The thing that screws us up the most in life

I stumbled across a quote a few years ago now, which I was reminded of as the dust settled after the new moon blast of insight.

It goes something like, ‘the thing that screws us up the most in life, is our idea of how it is meant to be’.

This is so true!

And of course inherent within this is the idea of how we have been conditioned to believe it is meant to be so.

This because our conditioned and therefore fixed - and often rigid - mind is often at the crux of our suffering. The ancient yogis knew this, the whole premise of yoga is about reducing our suffering and unlinking our link with pain. More often than not, our pain arises because of our state of mind and its tendency to want to control through fear of the unknown and the uncertain and the patterns that arise because of this.

I stumbled up against another strand of this in my own life just recently. An event happened that was completely out of my control. Eben managed to rack up - and we still don’t quite know how - a substantial amount of credit on the dreaded Roblox, bypassing all security measures so the amount was deducted from my bank account. Panic ensued. Fortunately, my bank and Apple were helpful; this is clearly something that happens regularly and eventually Apple did refund me the majority of the charges, but it took me on quite a journey.

In fact it was a much needed experience, because it gave me the opportunity to witness my own patterning around not being in control. First I went into shock; shock that this had happened and I had been none the wiser - shock then that I hadn’t managed to be in control of this. Then I went into self-criticism and made it all my fault because I hadn’t been ‘on it’ whatever that means. I also criticised myself for my apparent lack of attentive parenting skills.

This giving myself a hard time of course dampened my spirit. It also kicked into being an old pattern of then trying to control everything I could control, as if to find some safety in a world which clearly wasn’t safe because otherwise the whole Apple thing wouldn't have happened in the first place - or so my mind told me, because it had at that moment labelled the experience bad and I must surely then be a bad person for having attracted it in. Of course this is negative and limited thinking, but in that moment I had overlooked that there is always a different side to the coin and that every challenge brings with it a blessing - more on that later.

Furthermore, as with every challenging situation, I was overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear. It’s like all our fears get triggered just by hitting up against one of them - in this case a fear of losing money, which brought up a fear of being unsafe. This also brought with it doubt about the power of spirit to resolve the situation favourably, even though on some level I sort of knew that the situation would resolve itself, but I was looking for signs to validate this.

I am conscious that when we act on these feelings - let the fear get the better of us and lose our faith in the higher power - that we can split apart from the our spiritual path and start to doubt it or doubt ourselves. My tendency is to doubt myself - shouldn’t I have known better, was my intuition wrong? For many this is when imposter syndrome can kick in, and anxiety which then prevents people from making changes in their lives and living more of their dream. For me, I got stuck in a pattern of anxiety, which caused me to want to control whatever I could control because of the uncomfortable feeling of not being in control.

And yet this is counter productive because then the mind creates even more rigidity and gets stuck in its limited patterning. It is easy to forget the wisdom of patient non-action. In some way I was conscious of this and was grateful to be able to observe my mind as it followed a well trodden path rather than being stuck in it - this is what yoga is teaching us in many ways, the ability to observe, rather than being a victim of our mind, not realising we are not our mind and that we have choice in our thoughts and feelings and therefore our experience of reality.

Not that this made it any an easier process - the path to greater consciousness is anything but easy in fact. This because we have to break through our conditioning which is causing the unhelpful patterns and the fixed mind and the resulting pain and suffering. And this demands that we let go. We have to let go of all we thought and believed to be true, to allow something deeper to come in stead. But we don’t like letting go because the unknown is scary.

Yet our suffering can become so painful that we realise there is little choice in holding on. This is when we expand consciously. When we give it up. We stop trying to think our way through something and allow the benevolent and grace of the universe to enter our lives instead - I might argue this is just the higher self being finally allowed expression. This is a metamorphic process, like the butterfly exiting the cocoon, like the breaking of the casing of the seed, nature has many examples. Essentially, the breaking down needs us to be still and quiet, accepting our reality rather than fighting against it and instead weathering the storm patiently.

I was trying to explain this process to a client the other day. Because once we have caught our patterns, then we need to do something about them. I tend to dig deeper into spiritual practice, prioritising time on my mat, engaging in breathing exercises, going for long walks, being outside, getting in the sea, baking, doing things with my hands, and settling into the physical discomfort of the feelings as they arise.

I was feeling anxious. I knew it was part of the process, but it is still a horrible feeling. However, rather than turn away from it, I knew I needed to turn deeper into it. I could feel it deep in my stomach, an unsettling feeling that makes me want to get busy or run, anything to distract myself from it. But it is important that we don’t turn from it, that we sit into it instead, really feel it and allow it its expression.

It is also helpful to talk to it, to the mind which is creating it. So in this instance I kept repeating to myself “thank you mind for trying to keep me safe. I know you are trying to help, but it isn’t helpful anymore, I can just be with my experiences as they arise without having to feel anxious”. After all anxiety is just a form of fear manifesting, when the mind is challenged because it doesn’t feel in control and therefore safe.

Ideally we are trying to train the mind to be OK with the unknown and the uncertain. Then we can just be with our experiences as they arise, without labelling them good/bad, right/wrong, for example, or in any way allowing the mind to have power over us.

Eventually, working with the mind in this way, of noticing the feeling, of challenging the thoughts and any limited beliefs which arise, we can get to a point where we can actually laugh compassionately at the mind for it’s attempts to keep us safe - in this way we can befriend it rather than judge it, berate it or in any way limit our experience.

Thus, the more I worked with it, and challenged whatever thoughts and limiting beliefs were arising such as “Am I really unsafe? No”, “Am I really going to lose all my money? No”. “Is there any evidence to suggest that I am unsafe? No”, “Is there any evidence that I will lose all my money? No”, the more the mind lets go of its grip.

Of course we (the mind) is not in control, how can it be. The universe will always send challenges and curved balls to remind us of this. Not to say we don’t do all we can to try to control things, but ultimately we squander copious amounts of energy in trying to make things the ‘right’ way whatever that is. This because you're ‘right’ and my ‘right’ are no doubt totally different, so it is ALL an illusion anyway, which keeps us trapped. At some point we have top break free, especially if we are keen to evolve in this lifetime.

In many ways we are up against our indoctrination, our false belief that there is a right way to live our lives. I am convinced part of this arises because of our fear of getting it wrong and being bad and therefore needing punishment and if we are not careful ending up in hell, because this notion lives in our psyche whether we are religious or not. But really this is a benevolent universe, it knows only kindness, it is just our mind that labels things good or bad, right or wrong, as my previous blog post touched upon.

I came to realise that the Apple situation actually brought a huge gift because life had to change - it was a wake up call on many levels, the universe intervened and life has not been the same ever since. The iPad went in the drawer and is still there now. Eben hasn’t asked for it once, instead he has found other activities to entertain himself that do not dumb him down. I have made more effort to be offline and this has created a much needed re-prioritisation in how I live my life.

Ultimately, there is now space. And space of course is needed to make change and for the us to create a new way of living. And I can tell you one thing - when we have managed to cultivate more space in our lives we absolutely don’t want to give it up. We no longer want to over plan or over commit, we no longer want to fill our diary, we no longer want to waste our precious time here on earth doing things that our mind tells us to do but our soul is not the slightest bit interested in.

Ultimately though, this whole process helped me to see very clearly that our idea of how we think it should be is one of the greatest obstacles to our inner peace. Not only because we then try to control our reality to make it what we think it should be, opposed to just accepting it as it is, which inevitably creates stress, but because we also play roles, behaving in ways we think we should behave rather than just being ourselves regardless of the situation. Furthermore role playing becomes exhausting, and creates greater stress, as we mask to the world.

The minute we give this ALL up and accept reality as it is, and ourselves as we are, warts and all, is the minute that things change for us, and our stress starts dropping away. This involves honesty, being very honest with ourselves about the way we are living, the choices we are making, and the stories we are telling ourselves that create our reality. At some point we have to let go of the many boxes we have created, to make our life neat and orderly, at least in our mind.

I knew my boxes needed to change because I was getting bored, but I didn’t know how to change them. So I am grateful to the universe for ushering in the the opportunity for change, to break down any fixed ideas about how it should be. It wasn’t in the way I might have liked, but in a way that has been extremely helpful. I have had to let go of my idea how I thought it should be, to allow something else to come in - and that something else is freedom - freedom to let life unfold as a continous experience and freedom to be myself regardless of the situation.

Thus, I am grateful to Eben and Elijah for continuously showing me another way, for unsticking me from more of my limited thinking and unconscious and unhelpful behaviours. I am also grateful to the universe for showing me that I am not in control as much as I might like to think that I am. And I am indebted to the Scaravelli-inspired approach to yoga which encourages me to let go of my fixed mind, and especially as it applies to my yoga practice - there is no one way or right way, just moments constantly unfolding and dancing in my body.

I hope that my honest sharing might help you if you are up against your fixed mind and idea of how life should be - how your children should present themselves, how your partner should behave, how your home should look, what role you should play to earn money, how you should ‘be’ in this world, what masks you wear and just let go and flow, remembering that we are not in control, there is always wiggle room and this wiggle room allows greater consciousness and the beautiful gift of freedom.

Love Emma x

A grandparent's perspective on homeschooling

By way of background, we offer the following:-

To be honest, we were not over-enamoured at some stages with Emma’s choices as regards raising initially Elijah and then Eben.  Maybe that is the same with all grandparents, who in our case raised Emma and her brother in a more traditional manner as was expected in the mid 70’s.  Her leanings to a more ‘alternative’ view to life was also rather counter to our beliefs (in the widest sense) and prejudices, as two full time working parents, albeit Jill did not resume work until Ross was 4 and settling in to school. Like most of our peers at that time, we were struggling to make ends meet in a period of 14+% interest rates.

Looking back Elijah was ill prepared for school and on reflection (hindsight is a wonderful thing), as much to do with us as grandparents, as Emma.  We were recently retired when Elijah was born, and as with many parents Emma and Ewan had to work, so we were delighted to provide the childcare, along with his paternal grandmother.  We became very close to Elijah but, being in our mid-60’s at that stage, did not have Mum’s groups etc. to take Elijah to, so that he could become used to children of his own age.  Jill tried various activities with him, but it soon became apparent he was a shy, gentle, but also an increasingly anxious little boy. 

We were undoubtedly over-protective but that said and as Emma has already stated we were all very slow to realise that these traits in Elijah meant the normal route in to ‘big school’ was not going to work. The experience of picking him up from a respected playgroup - where we saw him in the window looking for us absolutely crying his little heart out - at age 3 (we believe from 9. 00 in the morning, without them calling any of us, was cruelty in the extreme and still breaks our hearts when we recall it).  We then resumed our previous routine until, at almost 4 he was tried at another playgroup, closer to home and much smaller.  The leaders were very understanding and Elijah endured it but never really settled.  Therefore starting school was always going to be a challenge, and we cannot fault any of the teachers he had who were brilliant in trying to settle him in to school.  So, in many respects as Emma said, ‘home-schooling’ picked itself for him.

So:-

When our daughter first told us that she was taking our eldest grandson out of mainstream education and home-schooling him, we met the news with disbelief and quite a long list of adjectives describing our incredulity!

Our background, and indeed our daughter’s, was Education.  Both of us had started our careers as Primary School teachers and enjoyed passing on and stimulating learning in our classes.  

We encouraged both our children to embrace school and Emma, in particular was a diligent student, driven to succeed.   Whilst she would freely admit that she was not really ready to leave home and Guernsey for University Education (and found the initial terms hard), she flourished, academically at least.  Returning to Guernsey, she then continued studies, albeit in the Finance Sector.

So, with this background, you might imagine how this revelation was shocking to us.  We were particularly anxious from the social aspect, being removed from his peer group.  However this was mis-founded as Elijah was not an overly ‘social’ child.  He did not like noise or large groups and worked far better in a one to one situation.  

However, during Covid we had supported Emma with the school home-centred study.  So, to an extent we had already supported the home studying path at least a little.

Initially, we were loathe, determined even, not to assist what we saw as a crazy decision.   We agonised, as we had been very involved with Elijah’s upbringing thus far and came to the realisation that we were essentially ‘cutting off our nose to spite our face’ by our stance and (somewhat reluctantly) agreed to look after Elijah for the day on a Wednesday and then Friday morning.

We fumbled around a bit with the best way to proceed.  In many ways this was made easier for us as Elijah needed to ‘de-school’ and thus we focused on practical experiences, such as mowing, collecting pine cones, woodwork, rock pooling and so on. 

One dilemma for us was that of becoming Elijah’s teachers, rather than his grandparents and we found it a difficult path to tread.  

We determined to do our best for him and split the ‘teaching’ so that his grandfather, Ron, took on the Mathematics and practical aspects of his learning, such as woodworking, whilst his grandmother, Jill, concentrated on project work incorporating English, Geography, History and Biology, supported by Ron when necessary.   She also cooked with him and did some craft work on occasion.

So we settled into a loose routine of sorts whereby we embraced the opportunity to give Elijah experiences as they arose.   For example we had the option to take a sea (and all things fishing) loving child on one of the local fishing trawlers to see the equipment and have a short ride to see the sonar working.

Many have said it must have been easy for us both trained primary school teachers.  Well no, Ron had not taught a class of children full time for over 30 years, and Jill for over 40 years .  In that time education has changed so dramatically and we are in awe of teachers today, the pressures on them are immense, far more that when we left teaching.

As previously identified we focused on more practical activities, and do you know what, we are converts.  Elijah learns for himself when he wants/needs to, admittedly a lot online, but is that not the future anyway?  He reads well and, like his grandfather, he’s really not interested in fiction but anything factual he positively inhales. He reads and understands the most complex instruction manuals, directing ‘Baba’ (Ron) on how to set up the drone  received at Christmas.  Are we worried about his future academically?  No we’re not because he is now a very much more confident and relaxed young boy, keen to learn what matters to him.  Will he be ready to take exams, who knows?  We don’t but we are  pretty confident he will find his way in the world and will be a far more self-confident young man than had he had to persevere in a school environment which despite the best efforts of good teachers he found all too overwhelming.

After many trials and tribulations with our daughter over this, we are in in tune with her and have vastly different views on education provision than before. 

Clearly it is not easy to home school for several reasons, and not available to the majority, nor indeed suitable for the majority.  Emma was very fortunate that we had just retired when Elijah was born so could provide a fair amount of unpaid child-minding.  She and her partner also had no mortgage and they both had jobs where they could be flexible with their hours.  Nonetheless there have been significant challenges, not least financially. Expensive holidays are a thing of the past, and they have a ropey old car. 

We are also only, really, at the start of the journey - what does the future hold?  We have no idea, but at this moment in time we do not worry because the children are thriving where they were not before and are far more at ease and confident.  For us that is a price worth paying.

Interview with Emma for Resonance Magazine about IVF

Interview for Resonance Magazine with Reiki Master, Emma Després, author of Dancing with the Moon, about her spiritual journey through IVF.

What prompted you to write your book, Dancing with the Moon?

I was pregnant at the time, and I was aware that I was seeing an increasing number of ladies for Reiki and also at yoga classes who were experiencing fertility problems.  I would often share my story in the hope that it might help them, but decided that instead of repeating myself I would blog about it instead. These blog postings seem to take on their own energy, and it crossed my mind that I might turn it into a book.  However, at that point I didn’t have an ending.  Then my second son was born, and the manner in which he arrived into the world gave me the perfect ending.  I realised immediately after his birth that I had a book – I just needed to finish writing it!

What is the book about?

The book is essentially about my spiritual journey through IVF and on into pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  Each stage presented its own challenges, from failed IVF, complications during pregnancy, births that didn’t go as intended and the shock of motherhood!  It talks about how much Reiki and yoga both helped support me enormously.

In what way did Reiki support you?

I’ve been a Reiki Master since 2006, so Reiki is very much a part of my daily life and I’m eternally grateful for the day Reiki came into my life.  During the IVF, it was a true blessing to be able to channel Reiki to myself during all the treatment, not least to heal from all the injections but also to help to grow good quality, Reiki infused eggs in preparation for egg collection, and then to channel Reiki to recover from egg collection and prepare my womb to receive the embryos, and then to channel Reiki to the embryos minutes after they had been implanted into my womb.

Because of working with energy through Reiki and yoga, it was an absolute blessing to be able to feel the energy of the embryos growing inside me.  This was a source of immense comfort to me during the rather challenging twelve-day wait to see whether the IVF has worked. It continued to be a huge comfort through miscarriage scares and other challenges presented during my two pregnancies – especially the “do not worry” principle.

The ability to channel Reiki to myself was also a huge comfort when both pregnancies ended in Caesarean sections due to complications.  The Reiki really helped my body to heal from the surgery much quicker than if I hadn’t been able to give myself Reiki. 

I still accredit Reiki to helping my youngest son after being born six weeks early and needing oxygen in Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit.  As soon as I was able to touch him, I placed my hands on his chest and channelled Reiki, and I am absolutely convinced that it was doing this as often as I could those first few days that meant he was strong enough to breathe without oxygen much earlier than any of the medical staff expected.  

Furthermore, Reiki helped me to come to terms with a failed round of IVF, and to recognise that there is a bigger picture to all life and everything has a timing. Plus, it helped me to be a much more empathic Reiki practitioner, I wish every lady going through IVF could channel Reiki to themselves, and feel the energy of the growing embryo.  I also wish every baby in NICU could receive Reiki – plus their parents, as it can be a potentially stressful experience.

Has Reiki inspired your writing?

Yes, enormously! I’m truly passionate about Reiki and writing. Reiki has shaped my life in so many ways and I mention it many times in my book, because it has been such an integral part of my journey. I don’t believe I would have written the book if it wasn’t for Reiki helping me to step further into authenticity and empower me to believe in myself and fulfil my dreams. Furthermore, there is no doubt that Reiki has helped me to heal me and connect more fully with my creativity. 

Dancing with the Moon is available to buy in paper back and ebook at www.amazon.co.uk.

Expectant mums and right to a partner at birth and antenatal appointments in Guernsey

As You’ll know from my previous posts and my letters to the Guernsey Press and there was even a brief moment on Channel TV, I feel passionate about the rights of human beings and especially the rights of pregnant women on Guernsey during lockdown.

In an effort to try to help those women who have had their voice taken away from them through decisions made by the States of Guernsey, it was suggested I write to the CCA. The letter I wrote follows below.

I received a friendly and prompt response from Heidi Soulsby, who I very much respect. She says that she understands my concerns and how it would be the preference to have a companion at the birth of one’s child, but the decision falls under the mandate of HSC as part of its operational decision making, not CCA.

She explained that very difficult decisions are having to be made as the impact of COVID on the hospital is real and can be profound. She stressed that Guernsey only has one hospital and this has already experienced disruption due to a number of staff at all levels having to go into self-isolation - this is not a theoretical issue.

She very kindly offered to forward my letter to Deputy Brouard and ask at the next CCA meeting if he can look at whether anything further can be done to support mothers whilst we are in lockdown in light of the issues I raised.

I am hopeful that with decreasing rates of COVID, some of the stringent rules currently impacting expectant mums will be eased as part of the process of phasing out of lockdown. I do wonder if there is a broader picture here in respect of the need for a shift in perspective on birth generally. Even WHO stresses that a “good birth” does beyond having a healthy baby and stresses that each labour is different and that individualised and supportive care is the key to positive childbirth experience.

“We want women to give birth in a safe environment with skilled birth attendants in well-equipped facilities. However, the increasing medicalization of normal childbirth processes are undermining a woman’s own capability to give birth and negatively impacting her birth experience,” says Dr Princess Nothemba Simelela, WHO Assistant Director-General for Family, Women, Children and Adolescents. 

“If labour is progressing normally, and the woman and her baby are in good condition, they do not need to receive additional interventions to accelerate labour,” she says.

The article goes on to say that ‘Childbirth is a normal physiological process that can be accomplished without complications for the majority of women and babies. However, studies show a substantial proportion of healthy pregnant women undergo at least one clinical intervention during labour and birth. They are also often subjected to needless and potentially harmful routine interventions”.https://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/2018/positive-childbirth-experience/en/

The need for intervention will likely only increase with the stress that expectant mums are under here in Guernsey especially now during lockdown but also with the medicalised approach to birth that we see here with the maternity services being located within the hospital.

Anything any of us can do to help raise awareness and keep the conversation open, with the hope of changing local attitudes towards birth (that it doesn’t need to be a clinical experience) and ensures that expectant mums and their partners have a voice and are empowered and feel safe to use it - can only be a positive thing for human rights generally.

….

Dear members of the CCA

Expectant mums and right to a partner at birth and antenatal appointments. 

I am writing to express my concern that expectant mums are still being denied the opportunity to be accompanied into theatre with a birth partner when requiring a Caesarean Section, and that expectant mums are also still denied the opportunity to take a partner with them to their antenatal scans. 

Expectant mum and birth partner during Caesarean Section

The World Health Organisation (“WHO”) strongly recommend supporting women to have a chosen companion during labour and childbirth, including during Covid-19: “When a woman has access to trusted emotional, psychological and practical support during labour and childbirth, evidence shows that both her experience of childbirth and her health outcomes can improve.  In Companion of choice during labour and childbirth for improved quality of care, WHO and HRP present updated information on the benefits of labour companionship for women and their newborns, and how it can be implemented as part of efforts to improve quality of maternity care. 

The current COVID-19 pandemic is no exception. 

WHO Clinical management of COVID-19: interim guidance strongly recommends that all pregnant women, including those with suspected, probable or confirmed COVID-19, have access to a companion of choice during labour and childbirth.

Again and again, research shows, that women greatly value and benefit from the presence of someone they trust during labour and childbirth.  A companion of choice can give support in practical and emotional ways. 

They can bridge communication gaps between a woman in labour and the healthcare workers around her, offer massage or hand-holding to help relieve pain, and provide reassurance to help her feel in control. As an advocate, a labour companion can witness and safeguard against mistreatment or neglect.   

The benefits of labour companionship can also include shorter length of time in labour, decreased caesarean section and more positive health indicators for babies in the first five minutes after birth.”

Please see this link to the full article, https://www.who.int/news/item/09-09-2020-every-woman-s-right-to-a-companion-of-choice-during-childbirth

Furthermore, and as you will know, human rights require public bodies to treat people with dignity and respect and to consult them about decisions and respecting their choices. Human rights law give expectant mums the right to receive maternity care, to make their own choices about their care and to be given standards of care that respect their dignity and autonomy as human beings. 

The Human Rights (Bailiwick of Guernsey) Law came into effect on 1st September 2006.The law incorporates the provisions set out in the European Convention on Human Rights into Bailiwick law. It also makes it unlawful for a public authority to act in a way which clashes with those provisions. The law ensures that everyone in the Bailiwick is entitled to the fundamental rights and freedoms of the European Convention on Human Rights.

The fundamental human rights values of dignity, autonomy and equality are often relevant to the way a woman is treated during pregnancy and childbirth. Failure to provide adequate maternity care, lack of respect for women’s dignity, invasions of privacy, procedures carried out without consent, failure to provide adequate pain relief without medical contraindication, and lack of respect for women’s choices about where and how a birth takes place, may all violate human rights and can lead to women feeling degraded and dehumanised.

Article 8 of the European Convention guarantees the right to private life, which the courts have interpreted to include the right to physical autonomy and integrity. The European Court of Human Rights has held that the right to private life includes a right for women to make choices about the circumstances in which they give birth. The separation of either parent from their newly born child also constitutes an interference with their (and their child’s) rights under this article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. 

Birthrights, a UK based organisation, protecting human rights in childbirth published legal advice on 12 February 2021, which states that, “The separation of either parent from their newly born child constitutes an interference with their (and their child’s) rights under article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. The circumstances of giving birth also engage the rights of the parents and the child under article 8.4. It is therefore wrong in law to suggest that “legislation” requires all parents who test positive for COVID-19 to self-isolate at all times. Being present during childbirth and at the neonatal stage may be necessary for the purposes of “medical assistance” or it may be necessary, depending on the facts of an individual case, to facilitate the exercise of article 8 rights.” JUDE BUNTING DANIEL CLARKE Doughty Street Chambers 29th January 2021. 

You can view the letter here: https://www.birthrights.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Note-on-lawfulness-of-NHSE-Guidance-sent-to-client-09.02.2021.pdf

The WHO believes “high quality care” should encompass both service delivery and the woman’s experience: “Our new recommendations on intrapartum care set the global standard on the provision and experience of care during birth. The guidelines place the woman and her baby at the centre of the care model, to achieve the best possible physical, emotional and psychological outcomes.

Critical components of a woman-centred approach include: avoiding unnecessary medical interventions, encouraging women to move around freely during early labour, allowing them to choose their birth position and have a companion of their choice by their side. It also means ensuring privacy and confidentially and providing adequate information about pain relief.”

See more here, https://www.who.int/mediacentre/commentaries/2018/having-a-healthy-baby/en/

It shouldn’t even be a matter of law or human rights or the WHO’s guidance on childbirth, it should be a matter of compassion and respect. Any woman who has experienced Caesarean Section will know how important it is to have a birth companion present.  I have experienced two Caesarean Sections, one planned due to pregnancy complications and another emergency, due to early rupture of waters and perceived risk of infection. 

Like many, my partner and I conceived through IVF, suffering loss in the process. We also experienced the trauma of early pregnancy bleeding and pregnancy complications so that by the time of the birth, we had been on a stressful and traumatic journey to parenthood together and we were keen to see that through to fruition together. We are not unlike many other couples, the journey to conception can be challenging, and there are often losses and complications along the way.

Birth is also not without its challenges, not least because of inherent fear of stillbirth but because of the current-medicalised nature of birth and the fear that accompanies a clinical hospital environment. During my first pregnancy, due to complications with the placenta, there was a risk that I would require a general anaesthetic. This notion caused me to feel extremely stressed because both my partner and I wanted to be present at the birth of our firstborn and be a family together - finally. 

Fortunately a general anaesthetic was not required but I spent the first part of the procedure shaking uncontrollably (and yet trying to keep still for the spinal block), surrounded by people I didn’t know, in a clinical theatre that I had never seen before, with bright lights and noise, wearing only a thin hospital gown to protect what was left of my modesty. This was not the environment that I had wanted for birth.

I cannot express the relief I felt when my partner was finally admitted to theatre and stood beside me holding my shaking hand. He was not only a source of much comfort as my baby was essentially cut from me, but he was able to reveal the sex and be part of the ‘birthing process’, an experience neither of us will ever forget – we have the photos if we do, because we were permitted an iPad in theatre. He was also able to hold his son while my low blood pressure was stabilised, and be with me for the duration of time spent in recovery.

To have expected me to do this on my own, and denied my partner the right to be with us as a family and welcome his son into the world would have been cruel and unforgivable. Yet here in Guernsey we are expecting women to do this during the stress of lockdown too. 

The strict new rules that have been implemented at the PEH further compound this, which will undoubtably cause more women to require medical intervention than may otherwise have been necessary, resulting in a higher incidence of Caesarean section and more partners missing the birth of their babies. 

Surely birth partners in full PPE, having taken a Covid test every 96 hours prior to birth, and self-isolated, should pose no greater risk than theatre staff and midwives who are not subject to the self-isolation rules prior to birth. Further, the argument that theatre staff shouldn’t be burdened with caring for a partner is nonsense; they do this ordinarily (together with a  midwife and the kindness of the anaesthetist in my case) so what difference does it make now. 

There is a thin line between protecting the vulnerable and creating greater vulnerability. In the CCA’s effort to protect the elderly and most vulnerable from death through COVID-19 and to ensure that the medical services are not overrun, CCA is overlooking the vulnerability of expectant mums and the increased risk of birth trauma and resulting impact on mother, partner and baby post-partum, leading to mental, emotional and psychological issues at a later date. This is not a time to be ‘selling out’ on the next generation.

Taking a partner to an antenatal scan

I am also concerned that the current strict rules in place in the maternity unit resulting in expectant mums not able to take partners with them for antenatal scans are infringing on their rights.

Albeit in the UK, Birthrights has received legal advice stating that maternity services which prevent partners from attending scans, and don’t allow partners to be involved in the appointment remotely, may be acting unlawfully and unreasonably.

This legal advice prepared by Shu Shin Luh of Doughty Street Chambers with support from Irwin Mitchell concludes that “a blanket prohibition on the use of streaming or recording during antenatal appointments in circumstances where the support partner is unable to attend in-person with a pregnant woman is likely to be unlawful, discriminatory and violate both Articles 8 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights.”

It makes clear that “there is a well-established body of clinical evidence showing that partner participation in antenatal appointments and through a woman’s pregnancy improves maternal and foetal health.”

The advice mentions that there is compelling evidence that having a support partner present at antenatal appointments improves maternal and foetal outcomes for pregnant women, a finding backed by clinical studies and by the WHO, even in the context of the pandemic; and evidence of potential harm and risk of harm to pregnant women and their families of not facilitating partner participation at important clinical junctures of a woman’s pregnancy journey. 

Furthermore, the advice stipulates that, “the outright refusal to make arrangements to enable pregnant women to involve their partners in the antenatal appointments, either by streaming or recording the appointments would, in my view, engage Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights (“ECHR”) and the right to of both parents’ to their private and family life. It is my view that it will be difficult to identify any clear or proportionate justification for taking such extreme measures, particularly given strong policy reasons for encouraging and facilitating partner attendance as clinically beneficial to maternal and foetal health.” SHU SHIN LUH Doughty Street Chambers, 21 January 2021. 

You can read the full advice here https://www.birthrights.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/210114-Birthrights.Advice-filming-at-scans.pdf and the article from Birthright here https://www.birthrights.org.uk/2021/01/31/partners-should-be-able-to-join-maternity-scans-remotely-say-lawyers/. 

Again, perhaps it’s not until you have been an expectant mum attending a scan with a history of fertility and pregnancy complications that you appreciate the need for a partner to be present. 

Having experienced early pregnancy bleeding, I was extremely nervous attending the 12 weeks scans during both pregnancies, this after early pregnancy scans to confirm IVF pregnancy and continuation of pregnancy despite bleeding. There is a degree of ‘not being able to rest easily’ until passing 12-week scan threshold, when rates of miscarriage decrease, and expectant mums feel at greater ease of revealing the pregnancy publicly. 

The 20-week scan was equally as nerve racking if not more so, because at this scan the foetus is checked for visible abnormality. The sex of the foetus can also be revealed. It was at this scan that a problem with the placenta was identified and this required a transvaginal ultrasound, where a probe was inserted into the body. Regardless of any previous sexual trauma, it can be a stressful experience and I would have felt desperately uncomfortable having this transvaginal scan conducted without my partner being present in the room with me.  

Not only that but many women have suffered miscarriage and are highly stressed ahead of any scan. My friend who is 20-weeks pregnant attended a scan on her own here in Guernsey last week, this after attending a 12-week scan during her first pregnancy and discovering that there was no heartbeat. To have expected her to attend a 20-week scan on her own, without her partner, to check for birth abnormalities, after having suffered a miscarriage during her first pregnancy and this revealed to her at a scan is inherently cruel.

She asked the sonographer if she could take a video for her partner, this being their first baby together and possibly their only child, but this was denied. A question was raised in Monday’s States briefing about the reason women cannot take videos of scans to share with their partners but this went unanswered. I suspect it is to do with litigation, but this should not prevent the live streaming of scans to partners at home.

Deputy Al Brouard is quoted in the Guernsey Press on Monday 15th February 2021 as saying: “They (the medical staff) are 100% committed to helping women and families have the best birthing experience possible, whatever the circumstances”. I don’t agree with him and I am both ashamed with, and disappointed, at the States of Guernsey and their decision to deny women the opportunity to take a partner with them during Caesarean Section and antenatal scan. 

I believe that the States of Guernsey has a moral obligation as much as a legal duty, to show greater compassion towards the rights of women, men and families when it comes to medical care during pregnancy and birth regardless of Covid-19 and lockdown. I hope that you will reconsider the current rules and extend an apology to those women, men and families who have been denied the best birthing experience possible during lockdown on Guernsey. 

Many thanks and best wishes

Emma

Freedom of choice for birth in Guernsey

In Guernsey, during lockdown, pregnant women are now denied the opportunity to take a birthing partner with them when they go to theatre for a Caesarean -Section. To me this is inherently cruel and has elements of patriarchy about it.

Having had two Caesarean Sections myself I am very aware that the experience can be extremely scary and traumatic. My first pregnancy brought with it complications, which meant I had to have a planned Caesarean Section. I was told repeatedly that due to the complications there was a risk that I might require a general anaesthetic resulting in neither E or I witnessing the birth of our baby. 

This troubled me endlessly, and when it came to being administered the spinal block I was shaking with fear and had to make a real effort to keep myself still. I cannot tell you the relief when E appeared in theatre, not least to hold my hand and give me strength while the procedure was taking place, and to reveal the sex of our son, but in recovery afterwards when my blood pressure was unstable and of which I now have very little memory.

My second Caesarean Section was less stressful and much more of the spiritual experience that I had hoped birth might be. Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli in her amazing book Yoni Shakti talks about birth as being the principle siddhi, or magical power, that allows the greatest spiritual transformation of all the siddhis, including menstruation, miscarriage, lactation etc if the women is conscious to it. 

Accessing the spiritually transformative experience of birth was extremely important to me. I wanted to be conscious of the process, less restricted by fear, as I had been during my first birth experience. I had hoped for a home birth where I might have been able to drop into the space of birth more easily, but this was not my path and I ended up with an emergency Caesarean Section, six weeks earlier than my son’s due date due, due to my waters breaking early. You can read all about this in Dancing with the Moon. 

It was still a profound spiritual experience for me as I surrendered to it in a way that I had not been able to do during the birth of my eldest son. It helped enormously to me that E was able to join me in theatre and that I did not have to experience the fear that I had felt during the first Caesarean Section, in that he might not be able to join me. I was able to approach theatre in a far calmer and more peaceful state of mind. 

Now, here in Guernsey, because of the alleged additional risk of COVID, birthing partners are no longer able to accompany their birthing mums to theatre. This sounds like a fundamental loss of human right for women to choose who they might have with them at what might well be a decisive turning point in their life. For first time mum’s this is a life changing event, as they transition from maiden to motherhood and absolutely they should be supported during this emotionally charged time by partners if they choose.

To me, this loss of choice, overlooks and dismisses the emotional, mental and spiritual needs of women, denoting the birth experience to nothing more than a surgical procedure. It also disempowers women and removes their voice. I know that many have complained and attempted to find a solution but they are repeatedly told that this is the way, that there is no other option available to them.

Pregnant women are in a vulnerable position throughout their pregnancy, continuously reminded by the medical profession of the inherent risks of both pregnancy and birth to the extent that they can then be easily manipulated and controlled through fear. In the process this denies them their own wisdom, which is potentially much easier to access than it might usually be because of the inherent spiritual experience of pregnancy and birth.

 The medical-decided risk of pregnancy and birth is evaluated in a way that overlooks this spiritual wisdom, and the mental and emotional needs of women. I totally appreciate that the outcome of a healthy birthed baby is essential, but at what cost to women? In Guernsey we seem hell bent on controlling through fear, which has elements of patriarchy to it, men, generally, making decisions about women’s lives and making them powerfulness to it.

A letter I wrote about this was published in the Guernsey Press on Saturday 6 February, and the very next day an article appeared on The States of Guernsey website entitled “First-time mum that [sic] underwent C-Section during lockdown is aiming to reassure expectant parents”. I cannot claim that this arose as a result of my letter, as I know this is a hot topic on social media and the States have been sent a number of letters and requests for a change of stance on Caesarean Section protocol during lockdown, but I was humoured by the timing.

I was concerned too, that the States felt the need to try to reassure parents, knowing full well that their decision has not been taken lightly by those affected. And they will be affected. What women do not need as they approach birth is any additional stress and emotional strain, for this will likely impact on their ability to birth vaginally and result in the one thing they will be keen to avoid, namely a Caesearn Section under lockdown. 

There are broader issues here though, around human rights. During childbirth, every woman has a right to:

·       safe and appropriate maternity care that respects her dignity;

·       privacy and confidentiality;

·       make choices about her own pregnancy and childbirth;

·       equality and freedom from discrimination.

Can the States of Guernsey honestly say that they are allowing expectant mum’s their own choice about how she births during lockdown? 

In the article on the States of Guernsey website, Head of Maternity and Paediatrics, Annabel Nicholas, is quoted as saying, “We are so passionate about women and families having the best experience they can, whatever the circumstances”. This, after new mum, Mrs Cornes, is quoted as saying, “Any emergency and any unplanned C-section is scary, but it was even more so because of COVID. At 12am when I was being wheeled down both Jake and I were crying…”. Is this really an example of the States of Guernsey offering women and families the best birth experience they can, whatever the circumstances? Is this allowing expectant mum’s their own choice?

As written in my second letter to the States of Guernsey, I’m both disappointed with, and ashamed at, their decision to once again overlook the mental, emotional and spiritual needs of birthing women, let alone their birthing partners. We’re told repeatedly that the decision has been made for safety reasons and yet given that we now have thorough and rigorous testing facilities in place, it seems crazy that this cannot be extended to birthing partners to enable them to support expectant mums at a crucial and life changing time. 

Surely if expectant mum and birthing partner self-isolate prior to the birth and are tested frequently, there should be no reason why the partner, in full PPE, should be any greater risk than one of the theatre staff. This overzealous decision to separate birthing mums from their birth partners in theatre is inherently cruel and I hope those in ‘power’ come to their senses soon. 

And really that’s the crux of the matter, this question over power, that weaves it’s way, even now, through our lives as women living in the 21st century. There are much broader issues at play, not only human rights and the fear and risk-based nature of allopathic care, reducing birth to nothing more than a surgical procedure, but what it means to be a women, and the choices available to us in relation to our body and our experience of these deeply feminine and life changing moments of our life.

All women should have a human right to be accompanied by their choice in birthing partner at the birth of their baby and Guernsey needs to wake up and start giving pregnant women a little more respect, empowering her, not taking her power away, regardless of the external circumstances and the state of the world at that time. 

**Those of you in Guernsey who feel a similar way, it would be wonderful if you would find them courage to give voice to this, either by writing to your local deputy, the States of Guernsey and/or the Guernsey Press. Also sharing on social media. Women need to reclaim their voice and be given back their right to choice.

Blame the moon!

This full moon has definitely been illuminating in many ways, shining a light into the shadows and, as always, bringing up fears and the opportunity to surrender to them. It has brought up a limiting belief too that has been awaiting release. 

I could feel it building all week, and with bad weather predicted and a Sark retreat to run I just had a feeling that the moon was going to make me face my fears around cancelling. I made extra time to meditate this week so that I could really feel into it and look at my fears and what underlaid them. I realised that there is only one way to manage a situation like this and it is to surrender to it, a little like when my waters broke six weeks early on the October full moon while leading a retreat on Herm and Eben arrived a few days later by Caesarean section. 

Me and retreats, we have a history, they provide a golden opportunity not only to me but to my fellow retreat goers too, to look at our fears and our patterns and potentially let them go. I don’t know that I’ve ever run a retreat that has been utterly painless or gone totally smoothly, they all bring with them a potential drama or issue, whether that be the weather, the boat, the hotel, the food and/or the student, there is always something that encourages me to surrender. This one was no different and I was remarkably calm when Sark Shipping finally told me they were cancelling (this after they had told virtually everyone else!) because I knew it was inevitable and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it but surrender!   

A limiting belief around motherhood also came up too, and I have a feeling that this may have been in the field as I know I am not alone. I could feel this creeping in during the week too, but I wasn’t able to give voice to it or understand what was happening until the clarity came today with the moon. I stared to feel old feelings around lack of worth and this in relation to my role in the world. I began to doubt the work I do and my choice to let go of titles and patterns of over work and over achieving in my quest to live my dream of being a more present mother to my children.

I ignored this dream for many years through fear that it would never become a reality and I threw my creative energy into my work and making money, in the finance sector initially and then in the holistic realm as I wanted to share my passion for yoga and healing with others. I gave everything I had and fell into a pattern of over work and exhaustion, which had always been my way, as if proving my worth through working and earning money. 

Then the children finally came along and not without a bit of effort and yet still, with the first one, I continued to throw myself into my work because this is what I had been conditioned to do, by my education and by society if I hoped to be seen as a successful woman. Yet this made me ill. I was trying to be all things to all people and my eldest child was growing up without me being truly present, always in the office or running off to teach yoga.

When the second one came along, and this after a failed IVF round which made me appreciate the fragility of life a little more, I decided I wanted to step up as a mother, but even then the patterns had been set and I got dragged back into the office and working and trying to be all things until my body made me aware that this couldn’t continue, but I didn’t know how to change things.

Then life intervened and my eldest suffered with separation anxiety at school which presented me with little choice but to step up and be a much more present mother. It took a bit of getting used to because I hadn’t realised how much of my identity and worth was tied up in my role as a company secretary where I could command a fairly decent salary and have people take me (relatively) seriously.

It’s ironic in many respects because as a career girl I used to judge those mothers who chose to stay at home, and those who worked but whose priority was their children. I had been sold the idea that to be a successful woman in this day and age, I needed to take my work seriously and put the needs of the business before both my children’s needs and my needs but I slowly started to wake up to this and the illusion I had been sold.

I started to notice how no one questioned the way in which we women are expected to be all things, how women were actively encouraged to put their children into childcare so that they could carry on working, women forced to stop breastfeeding, not because they wanted to, but because it impractical to continue once they returned from maternity leave and this sometimes after a mere 3 months.

Understandably many women have no choice, they have mortgages and bills to pay and they need to work. This was one of the reasons that I felt the pressure to return to work 3 months after having my eldest, but actually we could have coped. The reason I returned was because I didn’t know that I had a choice, it was what we women did, we had children and then (on the whole) we returned to work. 

I needed to earn money for the sake of earning money, I needed a career for the sake of having a career. I did all this because everyone else was doing it and it was expected of me. I did it because I expected to keep doing it. What was the point in all my education and professional training if I just gave up and stayed at home with my children? It just wasn’t even something I seriously considered; I was sold the notion that I would go mad, become brain dead, if I just stayed at home with my children.

It’s sad really, that we women have been conditioned to believe that we don’t have a choice. Some may well not have a choice and I am sorry about that; sorry that we live in a society where so little value is placed on the role of the mother in raising her young children herself if she chooses. I appreciate that not everyone wants to be with their children, and that is their right and choice too, it’s hard work and I was grateful for the distraction of work on many occasions!

Usually I don’t question the choice I have since made, to give up title and accumulation of wealth in exchange for more time spent with my children, but clearly there is something unresolved within me about it for it to have come up on the moon. I knew it was around feelings of self-worth but it wasn’t until today that I realised that this was in relation to my role as mum.

We finally watched Social Dilemma last night and this helped me to see some of the light. I saw so clearly the dark side of capitalism and how much suffering it creates in its pursuit of the accumulation of wealth above all else. This is partly the reason the earth is in such a mess and humanity too, that we sell out on that which is important in our pursuit of happiness=wealth=success. 

We know on a very basic level that this is not true, that wealth does not create happiness, yet we spend our lives trying to accumulate it anyhow and always at a cost. We equate money to success. It is very difficult to value motherhood, how can we measure it? And it’s this that makes it so tricky, when we have grown up in a society which is always trying to evaluate everything and put it in its place, even my six year old is evaluated on the speed at which he can answer sums to 10; its ingrained from a very young age.

Today I see this pattern so clearly and the extent to which society has lost its way.  But I also know how difficult it is to make the change, to go against the flow of things because something inside you tells you that it is not the way for you, to follow like a sheep, but this brings up fear because the way you are choosing is not known, it is not certain, it has no definite outcome, it is of the heart and soul and of trusting in that and having faith. 

 Keeping our faith high, and trusting in that little voice inside is not easy. This moon has made that very clear. But there really is no other way, not really, not if we are trying to live with integrity. It was this that struck me the most watching Social Dilemma, the way in which those humane IT guys live with integrity, and this gives me hope for the future of humanity. It also made me realise how easy it is to buy into the illusion and how we have to be really mindful about this. 

It is easy to convince ourselves that our actions are OK because everyone else is doing them. I know I’ve been kidding myself about that and air travel for a while now, justifying it somehow and yet knowing that it is not a sustainable way to travel, and in conflict with my other efforts to live more sustainably and with respect for the planet. There are many ways that we kid ourselves and buy into the illusion that its all OK. 

Social media is a prime example of this. I have been going on about it for months now and you can just imagine my joy that others are now taking note as a result of Social Dilemma. No doubt many will watch it and know they need to do something, but will continue to bury their heads in the sand because they will continue to buy into the illusion that this is the way that the world works now, this is the way to stay connected, the way to run a business, and the way to be someone.

But hopefully if enough of us find a different way, let go of the need for titles and the notion of ‘being someone’ and the idea of the happiness=wealth=success paradigm then things might change more positively. As for the over work and over achieve pattern, I can see this still so clearly rooted in the fear of not being good enough, of not being enough, of not being useful to society and of not living a life of purpose. Yet what could be more fulfilling or give my life more purpose or be of more value for society than me nurturing, watching, listening to and meeting the needs of my children? Let alone me meeting my own needs, that I have recognised too. 

This one of meeting our genuine needs requires a paradigm shift, meeting the needs of our children and ourselves, of genuine connection and simple living. It’s back to basics, coming full circle, knowing where our food comes from and having time to prepare it into a nutritious meal for our family, of re-prioritising and realising what is important, of valuing motherhood, of taking responsibility for our physical, mental and emotional health and looking after ourselves and our planet and saying no to anything that compromises any of this, including our own fears. 

Happy Midsummer!

Happy midsummer!

I was supposed to be celebrating at Stonehenge today, but Covid put an end to that, for all of us, including the Druids who are the ancient Celts, who hold ceremony at Stonehenge at the summer and winter solstices. However, it rained, so we wouldn’t have seen sunrise anyway, not in Guernsey nor at Stonehenge, so this eased the moment somewhat and does mean I got a little more sleep last night than I was anticipating even a few weeks ago. 

Fortunately, I glimpsed some of sunrise earlier this week, from Les Trepieds, which appears to be aligned with the summer solstice, this after seeing the mist that reminded me of the mists of Avalon! This has a rich wiccan past although it was referenced in relation to the witch trials and persecution so has a sad history too. It’s not somewhere I have spent much time, favouring the fairy cave instead, there’s something about its energy. However I felt it peaceful at 5am, with the sound of the birds and the sea. It took me back to ancient times perhaps.

I did visit the fairy cave that same early morning too, and the serious energy was quite in contrast to the energy of Les Trepieds. You have to be mindful with the fairy cave, respectful to the guardians, I have learned this over time. It is the same at La Varde, the pigeons will watch you anyhow, these are the guardians in time manifest, and they hold the secrets that they might slowly reveal to us if we respect this sacred goddess energy – I get a little uptight if I hear that people are messing with the energy. These are not summer solstice sites, at least that’s my experience.

As a family, we visited La Rocque Balan, to feel the midsummer eve energy, as there is reference to it having been a place of midsummer eve celebration in times gone by. The sun was lost behind clouds and there was a small party of ladies enjoying a picnic nestled in the rocks and a friend appeared to be holding ceremony with another friend by the cup marks at the summit – there are many theories as to what they were for, and geological explanations too; always a mystery where ancient sites of ceremony and worship are concerned.

In my mind I see a stone circle just below the main rocks, I’m always drawn here, there’s something about the energy, and Elijah was feeling it too. I was dowsing and he took the pendulum from me, the first time he has ever done that and wanted to learn how to do it himself and how to find the ‘energy focus’. As with everything, this is open to interpretation, which is perhaps the reason I love exploring these ancient sites, because we will never know, only in our hearts and third eyes, so there we can embrace all that is mysterious about this wonderful world of energy and moon/sun/star alignment.

I watched a lecture this week by Heather Sebire who used to work with my dad here on Guernsey, but who now manages Stonehenge, quite amazing! It was fascinating to learn more of this ancient site, which has long held sway over the archaeologist, the mystic, the astronomer and the poet and still evokes such a wide range of feeling and thought. I’m still buying into the idea that Stonehenge was built by the Druids, and I shall never forget spending sunrise here as part of my 40th celebrations, and watching the Druids and hearing the drumming and just blissing out on the Pagan energy, let alone the excitement at touching the stones.

I love touching stones and finding messages in them. Energetically I can sometimes feel things, we spent time during IVF treatment at Salisbury cathedral, I just felt this need to rest my head and hands against some of those old stones infused with the energy of prayer and connection to God, even if it is not a God that I worship. So too, to find hand positions in ancient rocks, here on Guernsey there are some in La Varde and the fairy cave, and probably elsewhere but these places are where I tend to spend the most time, and with La Gran’ Mère outside St Martin’s Church, who has definitely been changed, to transform her from goddess to man and yet the breasts give the game away!

I love not only the mystery of these sites but the fact that I might place my hands where hands were placed thousands of years ago, by those ancestors whose blood may run through mine, if you buy into this, and the manner in which we are drawn to that which we once were, as if we are remembering. Who knows. Another mystery, a reminder that we sometimes just don’t know, which reminds me of this beautiful poem I found the other day by Mary Oliver called ‘Angels’:

“You might see an angel anytime
and anywhere. Of course you have
to open your eyes to a kind of 
second level, but it’s not really
hard. The whole business of 
what’s reality and what isn’t has
never been solved and probably
never will be. So I don’t care to
be too definite about anything. 
I have a lot of edges called Perhaps
and almost nothing you can call
Certainty. For myself, but not 
for other people. That’s a place
you just can’t get into, not 
entirely anyway, other people’s 
heads. 

I’ll just leave you with this. 
I don’t care how many angels can 
dance on the head of a pin. It’s
enough to know that for some people
they exist, and that they dance. “

I love too finding imagery in the rocks, seeing figures, faces, signs, these are all messengers, also open to interpretation. I’m always hopeful there may be some evidence of Ogham, the ancient Celtic tree alphabet, which appears on roughly 400 stones which have been discovered thus far, 360 of which are in Ireland and the rest scattered around Wales, Scotland, England and the Isle of Man.  It might well be an excuse to visit Ireland and all the Celtic sites there, but I see perhaps my own language in the stones here; a re-membering!

So happy midsummer to you all (there were two longest days this year, that’s unusual!), and happy new moon solar eclipse too. May more of the mystery reveal itself to you, may you tread your path on the edge, where the magic happens, on the margins, not limited by the perceived certainty of definition, dancing with the angels, always dancing with the angels, and stepping closer and closer to who you really are on the inside. The descent into the darkness will support this, so let’s descend gently and enjoy all that the shifting seasons and planets may bring.

Love Emma x 

The Mother with the Moon

As we approach the summer solstice and the new moon solar eclipse on Sunday, I feel that the ‘mother’ in all her guises, both literally and as Gaia, is very much in the field at the moment. 

However, it might just be me, because I have been immersing myself more in the goddess recently, listening to a series of lectures by Kathy Jones, who is a Priestess of Avalon and a Priestess of Goddess and the Founder of the Goddess Temple, Hall & House in Glastonbury, and I am reading her book too, Soul and Shadow, so am fully in that zone. So perhaps it is a case of law of attraction, given the information coming in. 

Yet, and as I always say, I am merely a micro of the macro so it is likely that you are feeling it too and I suspect it will become clearer and stronger the closer we get Sunday. For me the body has been getting my attention, a sensation in the breast and a change in consistency of monthly blood (sorry, probably too much information but this is how the body talks to us, how the wisdom comes through, as a result of changes in our own nature, the very bones and muscles and skin of our body in this very lifetime on Planet Earth).

It’s in this way, through the body, that we are made aware of stuck energy that is often the result of old repressed emotions that have not been allowed expression, this is e-motions (energy in motion) that need releasing, of wounds that still need healing, for the energy to be able to flow again and for us to feel increased wellbeing and greater presence (less weighed down by the energy stuck (and sticking us) in the past). 

I dropped into the body sensations, and tried to listen. I’ve channelled quite a lot of Reiki recently and this has undoubtably helped in me understanding a little more of what my body is trying to tell me, although there’s still always more to know (one of the many wonderful things about working with Reiki is that you receive as you give!)

I realise how much I have been giving myself a hard time for my perceived mothering failures, about the decisions I have made in the past about how I might live in relationship with my children, about going back to work when Elijah was only 3 months old, and how this has pained me for six years now, to think that I felt I had little choice and the guilt at leaving my son albeit with my own beautiful mum, which of course made it easier. 

I know that I made that decision as consciously as I could at that time, and that if I knew then what I know now, I might have found a different way and made a different decision instead, which would have enabled me to spend more time with my son when he was still so young. Yet I recognise that we can only ever make decisions based on what we know in that moment, depending on our level of consciousness and our perception about where we are and what we feel we need/want from life. 

 It is all too easy to reflect back now and consider how we might have done things differently if only we had known then what we know now, and to give ourselves a very hard time in the process, focusing on our perceived failings rather than the bits we might have got right, that feel more comfortable to us. I know also that this ‘hard time giving’ serves no one, not us, and especially not our children. There is nothing to be gained by being negative towards ourselves, yet as mothers we do this. 

Sometimes the weight of what it means to mother can be overwhelming, simply because we are desperate not to mess it up, not to cause pain to our children or to damage them in any way. Yet we are only human and life is messy and uncertain, and we are all of our own nature, which means with the best will in the world we can never do it for our children and we may never truly understand the way that they see the world, as much as we may try, which means that we may not always be the person that they need us to be, regardless of how much of ourselves we give to them.

I know all this, and yet I have been so conscious of trying to be all that is needed and to understand their needs and their wants and accommodate these as best I can without losing myself in the process, which is the trickiest bit, because sometimes we do lose ourselves, despite our best efforts! The trouble is that mothering cannot be delineated. There is no line to say that this is where I begin and this is where I end, that this is what I will give and this is what I will keep for myself, as this too is always in flux and it cannot be pinned down or made concrete from one day to the next. 

Today I am this way and tomorrow I might be another way, and I know now that that is OK. Somehow we will find a way. And the way weaves this way and that, and the wind drops and the sun sets and all is calm, and then the storm comes to turn this all on its head and there is no sunset that day and the wind does not stop blowing so that we cannot hear so clearly, and we are flustered and full of rage, and then the rain comes and it cools us down, and we start again, the heart open closing open closing, wanting always to be open but there are moments when it cannot be that way. 

So too it is with mothering and being mothered. How much do we open to the vulnerability of being loved and of loving with all our heart? It sounds so easy but sometimes it is not. There are moments when we lose the awareness that allows us to be so present, even for a split second and we might say something that is not aligned to heart, because we are protecting our own heart, because there is some wounding, some resonance of some hurt that we didn’t like very much.

Sometimes we can be mothered so much that we don’t even know who we are, because we are smothered by the weight of another trying to protect us, to the extent that we cannot hear our own heart and we cannot therefore find our own path with heart . And others not mothered enough, so that their heart lays heavy with the sadness of the rejection and the abandonment so that they reject and abandon a part of themselves and the possibility of love because they do not consider themselves worthy enough, or because it is too hard. 

And speak to me also, of how you might mother yourself?  I reflect on this too. The breast talks of nourishment and the womb talks of sacred space, of ancient wisdom. Both talk to us of our unique spiritual path, our path with heart, our way. This is in contrast to the way that seeks to include everyone in the same ‘mundane’ expression of life according to the rules and order and constrictions of society.  

The womb is our power, we know this, the dark space, the void, the deep mystery. Babies grow inside this, inside ourselves. This blows my mind even now, even having grown two real live human beings inside me, even having felt it for myself and seen the heart beat alone of both babies when they were six weeks in utero (we are alllllllll heart and there was validation as I wrote about in Dancing with The Moon). The breasts that nourish new life, that allow new life to grow, that bring baby to heart, so that there is a heart-resonance on a very deep level from the moment the baby enters the world and suckles. 

Even now, at three and a half years I am frustrated by those who tell me that he is too old for milk. It is not just milk! This is one of the most natural things that my body does. It brings my son directly to my heart and it nourishes him beyond the calories and vitamins of breast milk. It is the most beautiful thing in the world to me and I am grateful to my Ayurvedic doctor for recognising this, and normalising this and knowing that in Sri Lanka, her mother breast fed all the children until they were ready to let it go, maybe six, maybe seven, whenever they chose. 

These are the messages that I am receiving. And I know now as I write this and share with you that there is deeper meaning. That this is about following our own unique spiritual path and it is about breaking free from all that constrains us and prevents us from doing this - from our conditioning and the conditioning of those from whom we seek validation, and from society. We each have our own unique nature. An oak tree is an oak tree, it cannot be a beech tree however much someone might wish it to be, it is not its nature. 

There is this wonderful song by José González, called In Our Nature, which goes:

It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.

Put down your sword.
Send home your dogs.
Open up your doors.
Let down your guard.

It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.

Put down your gun.
Ignore the alarm.
Open up your heart.
Let down your guard.

It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature.
It's in our nature

This has always spoken to me, of the need to allow our true nature by letting down our guard. It is only in letting down our guard and allowing our vulnerability that we can truly know our heart. Our heart speaks of our truth and our truth speaks of our nature and our nature speaks of our soul.

Mother Earth she knows only the song of the soul, she sings of love and truth and justice for all, she weaves the magic of earth, water, fire, air and ether, and it is this, manifest, that nourishes us all, the big mystery, the dark void, the essence of all we are is the essence of all she is too, yet she knows only heart, she knows only vulnerability, because this is her nature and she trusts in that, and it this that is the ultimate lesson. She trusts in her true nature, she trusts her soul. And this, my friends, is where we find ourselves now, at the crossroads of the new paradigm.  

Can we trust our soul to nourish and sustain us? Can we find the courage to allow the deepest vulnerability, the greatest intimacy? Can we let go of all that distances us from our own nature?

The moon will tell us a tale, and the eclipse will tell us a tale too. And the sun and the rain, they tell us a tale too, of violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange and red. We walk the rainbow bridge and she holds our hand as a mother holds a child, and we know that we will be safe, because we are held by the…great…mother…earth.

Love x