That annoying thing called imposter syndrome

I have many talented clients who are keen to offer Reiki or other holistic and trauma-based therapies, teach yoga and/or write books, but let the imposter syndrome get in the way.

This is a syndrome which essentially tells you that you are not good enough to offer whatever it is that you are wanting to offer, that you don’t know enough, aren’t clever enough, expert enough, knowledgeable enough, that you don’t have the right qualifications, that you won’t be able to do a good job, that compares you to others and concludes that there’s too much competition anyway and that you will never be able to make a go of it etc.

But really when it boils down to it, it shows that you just care too much what others think of you and that you don’t recognise your own magnificence.

It also shows that you don’t trust spirit and/or have faith in whatever it was that gifted the idea in the first place.

And that you are Ok about selling out on your heart.

It might also indicate that you have forgotten that we co-create in this life and it is about so much more than you.

We let our ego get involved.

This is the self-depreciating ego which tells us that we are not loveable, or good enough, or enough of this and that, or too much, or whatever other negative self-depreciating inner narrative we repeat over and over again and make manifest in our lives simply because we are always seeking validation of this negativity and embedding it deeper into our psyche and belief system.

If we look for trouble, we will see only trouble.

If we look for love, we will see only love.

If we look for validation of our uselessness, we will see it everywhere.

It is all about perspective.

And we have a choice.

We can keep limiting ourselves with all this negative crap, or we can choose to shift our mentality to something far more positive and expansive and live our best life.

It’s not our fault. We have been conditioned since birth to question ourselves, to doubt ourselves and to be down on ourselves.

We are constantly criticised for not being intelligent enough, or quick enough on the sports field, or arty enough, or musical, or thoughtful enough, or kind enough or polite enough, or not wearing the right clothes, or saying the right thing, or walking down the corridor correctly, or sitting still, or any of the other many, many ways that we are told how to be and judged for behaving differently.

No wonder so many are so tired.

This trying to be what others want us to be and this caring what others think and the hyper vigilance this requires, is really rather exhausting. It creates so much insecurity, anxiety and depression. It causes us to lose our centre, close our hearts and, at times, think we are negatively losing our mind.

Consumerism thrives on this insecurity. It thrives on our externalising of our worth. Of caring too much what others think. People make millions selling products that we are told will help us feel better about ourselves. Even in yoga, it has become all about the building or the mat or the clothes we wear, and this when yoga is absolutely an internal practice.

But that aside, it is crazy isn’t it, to base our self-esteem and sense of self on other people’s fleeting thoughts. Watch your own mind and ask yourself, “what thought will I think next?”, and watch the constant stream of thoughts that appear from the ether in all their randomness. Thoughts come and go. The trouble is we give them far too much energy and believe that they are a concrete representation of reality. They aren’t. So why on earth we care what other people are thinking about us or the opinions they hold one us (which are just thoughts) is quite beyond me.

If we don’t care about our own thoughts - and we really shouldn’t, especially those self depreciating ones, then why on earth should we care about other people’s thoughts? And this to the detriment of our experience and quality of life.

Because when we care too much, it stops us fulfilling our potential, it limits us and it keeps us stuck. And slowly a part of us begins to die, to give up, to feel hopeless, to accept our miserable lot. We close down to excitement and joy, we let our head drop, we drink more wine, eat more junk food, watch more TV, spend more time meaninglessly scrolling through social media, we might manifest illness and we tell ourselves all sorts of stories to justify why we won’t bother trying to move our life forwards and step into our power, share our gifts with the world, just yet.

Sometimes we are scared of failing. Or scared of our potential success.

Somewhere though, we have forgotten that there is a bigger picture.

You see spirit works through us. It wants to co-create with us. It needs us to be the channel and vehicle to bring more heart and soul onto this planet. The trouble is we block this flow by getting in our own way.

We make it all about us, rather than the people who may benefit.

We forget our place in the cosmos.

Maybe I am lucky. I didn’t intend to teach yoga or Reiki or offer Ayurveda. I only signed up for my yoga teacher training course because I wanted to immerse myself in yoga. Together with Reiki it had quite literally saved my life and I wanted to learn all I could about it. I also wanted everyone else on the planet to practice yoga because I knew how much it might help to ease our individual and collective suffering.

It was the same with Reiki. My Reiki Master had to really encourage me along to the first attunement session as I didn’t feel good enough. I was quite sure that the Reiki wouldn't work for me and when I was the only one in the room who didn’t feel a thing during the attunement itself and certainly didn’t see colours or have a sense of energy beings, i concluded that I definitely wasn’t good enough.

But alas a seed was sown and I found myself attending the Level Two training. It was the pendulum dowsing that got me really. I just couldn't believe that it actually worked for me. It was life changing. I slowly started to connect with, and trust, my intuition. It helped that I had by then started receiving spiritual life coaching using Reiki and the Reiki had been working its magic in my life, this to the extent that I wanted everyone else on this planet to benefit.

It was the same with Ayurveda. It felt like magic. I couldn’t quite believe how changing my diet in such an ancient way and taking some medicinal herbs could create such a profound difference in my energy levels and my relationship with myself. The pre-menstrual symptoms which had plagued me for years dissipated. The cysts on my ovaries healed. My disordered eating eased. The overwhelm and accompanying depressive moments abated. I was sleeping better. My digestive system was consistent. I wanted to learn as much as I could. I wanted everyone to try Ayurveda.

And so I ended up teaching yoga and Reiki and becoming an Ayurvedic lifestyle and nutrition consultant simply because I wanted others to experience the benefits for themselves.

I felt as if I had been given these incredibly sacred gifts and the only way I can truly thank the powers that be, is to share these gifts with others. My teachings and sharing then come from a place of deep gratitude.

Not only that, but I realise spirit is just moving through me. I don’t own any of it. Even Beinspired is not mine. It came in at just the right time and it has shaped itself.

The moments when I take myself too seriously, make it all about me, or try in some way to control things, especially Beinspired, is the time it all goes to pot. That I have learned the hard way.

And yes of course, I too have suffered imposter syndrome. Every time I offer something new, I can feel a creeping of anxiety and start questioning my ability and hear myself saying something like, “who do you think you are offering spiritual life coaching, do you really feel you have the qualifications/training/knowledge to help coach others spiritually, and can you honestly charge people for what you are offering?”

I hear those thoughts.

But then I also know that the idea to offer spiritual life coaching was not about me, it was about the people who may benefit from my sharing my passion for yoga, Reiki and Ayurveda, and all the many spiritual practices I have explored these last 20 off years. That is not supposed to sound arrogant, as if I am better than anyone else, I am not. But with all that I offer, it just suddenly comes in as a possibility, I haven’t gone searching for it.

The yoga teacher training course was the first of its kind and arrived on my penultimate day in Byron Bay when I was wondering what to do next with my life, but knowing that I wanted to continue immersing myself in yoga (you can read more about this in Namaste and From Darkness Comes Light). The Reiki came in by encouragement from my Reiki Master. The Ayurvedic training was encouraged by my Ayurvedic doctor. A part of me was cynical - they just want my money. But I know now, as I do this to others, that it is never about the money, it's an intuitive nudge, because you know that other person will benefit - if I have been badgering you to come to class, or do a Reiki attunement or consult with me for Ayurveda, this is the reason, something is telling me that you will benefit!

In many respects I have felt that I have had little choice. My yoga teacher told me to go back to Guernsey and start teaching yoga. My Reiki Master encouraged me to establish Beinspired and start offering Reiki. My Ayurvedic doctor was super keen for me to offer Ayurveda and did all she could to help me. These people are conscious, they have benefitted themselves from these spiritual practices and they also see the bigger picture - that we are co-creating with the divine, we are playing our role in positively shifting the vibration on this planet. We have incarnated at this time in history for this very reason.

So each time I come up against imposter syndrome, I acknowledge it and sit with it. Where is it coming from? What is the fear? And how is my heart feeling?

And as long as it still feels aligned, my heart sings, my intuition is nodding, then I’ll go for it anyway.

I’ll put on my big girl leggings and I’ll face my inner demon.

I’ll trust in whatever it was that gifted me the idea or the nudge in the first place.

I have learned a ton of lessons along the way.

At my first yoga class no one turned up. I went home and cried on my Dad’s shoulder. But I didn’t give up because something was telling me that I just needed to be patient, that Rome was not built in a day, that we all have to start somewhere, that it takes time for people to find their way to you.

And they do.

I have learned to trust in that.

That the right people will find you. That the universe will connect you.

Sure, it helps to advertise, to make people aware you exist. But people will come when the time is right - and for both of you, because it’s a two way process - I learn something from every single client and students who has entered my life.

I have also learned that you can advertise as much as you like, but if you have some resistance within you because you are letting imposter syndrome get in the way then people will not find you because on some level you are blocking them, you are also manifesting the validation you need that you are not good enough so let’s back out now while you can. I have sene this happen lots of times, people make it all about them again.

We have to be careful with our thoughts as they do create our reality. So shift your thoughts. And pray. Pray for assistance. For the most perfect situation for all parties.

I have also learned that we are not in control.

And that we should never base our self worth on external validation such as the number of students in our class or our busy schedule.

Just like we should never look to someone else to make us feel whole.

Or look to love to save us.

Or someone else to make us feel safe.

Or assume we need a community or tribe to feel as if we belong.

Our primary relationship in this lifetime is with ourselves. That much I have learned.

We come in on our own and we will leave on our own. This is the journey of OUR soul.

I know this with absolute certainty.

We can hear the powers that be if we are still enough, quiet enough, gentle enough.

We just need to learn to trust in what we hear, and cultivate greater faith in ourselves and in spirit in the process.

We need to cultivate self-belief. We have to learn to love and accept ourselves. This takes hard work. No one else can do it for us. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, you cannot buy this. Sure others can help you, but only you can really make the inner changes.

We need to switch off and switch in. People love eating energy. Protect your energy. Don’t give it away or let others steal it.

Faith is our protection.

Discernment is our weapon.

I have also learned that we should never have an attachment to outcome. If we do, we will never write that book, or run that course, or offer that treatment.

We do what we do for the love of it, for the sheer joy of the creative process.

We leave others to receive our offering in their own way. We are not responsible for this.

We have to let go of our idea of success or healing or whatever it may be.

We cannot control outcome.

We cannot make someone better if they don’t want to be better.

And we need to remember that we don’t all think and feel the same. So just because we might feel a certain way after say a yoga class or a Reiki treatment, doesn't mean that others will feel similarly. Some may like it, some may not.

And the other lesson I have learned is not to personalise everything. Someone doesn’t come back to yoga. Big deal. That’s their choice. Maybe that one session was all they needed to move them forwards in their life, maybe they can’t get a baby sitter, maybe they have to work late, maybe yoga is just not for them. We don’t need to make up stories that revolve around us, “oh I don’t think they like my style of teaching, oh I am such a rubbish yoga teacher blah blah blah.

Who cares!

Do what you do, offer what you offer, for the sheer love of it.

Stop caring what others think.

And put your energy to loving yourself more instead. Of being your greatest friend.

I have spent thousands of pounds on various trainings, workshops, courses and treatments over the years, but one of my best friend’s gave me the greatest advice for free. He told me to stop caring what others think. No one had ever told me that. Not one single person. or if they did, I didn’t hear them. I started putting this into practice and I couldn’t believe how deep the conditioning around caring what others think. Every time I was triggered, when I traced it back to source, I realised it was always about caring what others thought. I cannot tell you how liberating it has been to work with this and stop caring. It automatically tightens boundaries and helps you value yourself - and - it increases interestingly your compassion not least for self, but for others, because you see how much they suffer by caring too much what others think.

To the extent they don’t live their best life.

And this, to me, is a real tragedy.

So too the fact that they are denying others the benefit of their gifts by not sharing them - it’s like a form of stealing.

If you are reading this, then the chances are that you too have something to share. That you have a passion for yoga or writing or holistic therapies or whatever it may be and that your life has been touched positively to the extent that you would like others to benefit from what you have to share, be that your healing hands, your story or just your ability to listen.

So my advice is to share it. Notice the self-depreciating and limiting thoughts and do it anyway. Dig deep. Find the courage. Trust in whatever it was that gave you the idea. Cultivate faith. Pray for assistance along the way. Please don’t deny others the benefit of whatever gift you are here to share.

If it helps then I am happy to work with you to move you forwards, but remember that I cannot do it for you. You have to do it for yourself.

To help others.

To liberate yourself. Fly free.

To raise the vibration on this planet.

And boy do we need it!

Love Emma x

Yoga practice and our patriarchal conditioning

My last blog was exploring patriarchy and the effect on our conditioning and began to touch on how this might have influenced our approach to yoga, and whether this has been healthy, especially for us women. 

What I mean by that, is whether the style of yoga we practice, whether a trend or not, is harmonising any energetic imbalances, especial from a divine masculine/feminine perspective and helping to set up free from our conditioning and perceived limitations which literally limit us and keep us stuck in more of the same.

My favourite quote of all time as many of you know is by Henry Ford,

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” 

I have become increasingly curious whether repeating the same approach to practice over and over again helps or hinders and whether repeating someone else’s approach to practice – yin or yang - allows us our freedom. 

As I explore this further, I have found it helpful to remind myself of the origins of our modern day approach to yoga and I share a little of this now. Please note that I am not a historian and am relying on information shared with me by my teachers and by what I have read previously. 

It all started with Tirumalai Krishnamacharya (18 November 1888 – 28 February 1989), who was an Indian yoga teacher, Ayurvedic healer and scholar, often called the ‘Father of Modern Yoga’. He is seen as one of the most important gurus of modern yoga for his wide influence on the development of postural yoga. Like Yogendra and Kuvalayananda, he contributed to the revival of hatha yoga because of their emphasis on the physical. 

Krishnamacharya’s students include many of yoga’s most renowned and influential teachers, notably Indra Devi (1899-2002), K Pattabhi Jois (1915-2009), BKS Iyengar (1918-2014), and his own son, TKV Desikachar. As is the traditional way, Krishnamacharya taught each student depending on their individual needs, which is the reason that they each went on to teach quite differently and yet had a massive influence on the yoga that we know today, probably infusing the style of yoga that you yourself practice. 

For example:

Indra Devi – was a pioneering teacher of yoga as exercise, having been the first woman to study under Krishnamacharya at the Mysore Palace, alongside BKS Iyengar and K Pattabhi Jois. She went to India in her twenties (born Eugenie Peterson in Latvia) and became a film star. 

She was invited later to a wedding in Mysore where Krishnamacharya lived and worked, and she asked him if she could study with him but he refused, stating that he did not teach women or foreigners. Indra was disappointed but determined and she approached her friend, the Maharaja, Krishnamacharya’s employer, and he directed Krishnamacharya to instruct her. Krishnamacharya hesitantly took Indra as a student. Apparently, he was strict and difficult with her in the hope that she might quit.

Krishnamacharya ordered Indra to follow a strict vegetarian diet and a difficult daily schedule. To his surprise she showed dedication studying asana and pranayama for eight months alongside Iyengar and Jois.

Krishnamacharya gained increasing respect for her and his son, Desikachar, said later that Indra changed his father’s viewpoint, with Krishnamacharya later saying that “women are the future in yoga and for yoga in the West”.

While Indra started teaching in China, she moved to the US and set up a yoga studio in West Hollywood in 1947, where she taught celebrities including Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe, and Gloria Swanson. Here she earned herself the nickname, “first lady of yoga”. Her biographer, Michelle Goldberg, wrote that Devi “planted the seeds for the yoga boom of the 1990s”. 

Michelle also commented that for most of her life, Devi’s only goal was to bring yoga to the West, which certainly has been the case and she played a significant role in helping to make it a predominantly female pursuit, even if the yoga that has become popular is much more vigorous than the style Devi taught – and note that the style she taught, is not the style taught to her by Krishnamacharya, she developed her own style to teach to Westerners.  

K Pattabhi Jois

Krishnamacharya started teaching Jois, an Indian, when he was only 12 years old. At that time he needed a practice that promoted his growth and vitality through his teenage years. Apparently Krishnamacharya researched an ancient text he called the Yoga Korunta in 1924 and he shared this with Jois. He claimed to have learned the text from his own teacher named Rama Mohan Brahmachari on a supposed seven year stay in the Himalayas. The practices included asana (postures), vinyayas (connecting movements), pranayama (breathing exercises), bandhas (core muscular and energetic locks) and drishti (visual focal points). Jois systemised this approach and went on to share it as Ashtanga yoga.

This is the style of yoga that first drew me in. I was very much in my masculine energy, playing competitive sports and working my way up the career ladder, competing with the men for managerial positions, wearing suits to boot and seeking perfection in everything I did. It’s perhaps not surprising that I wasn’t happy, never quite living up to my idea of perfection, suffering from eating disorder, depression, PMS and a strong dislike for myself. 

I was out of balance and yoga was a gift which entered my life at just the right time. While Ashtanga yoga is not inherently competitive, it did allow me to apply my competitive nature to it, because it follows a set sequence and one cannot progress to the next level until all the postures in the first level have been mastered. I was competing with myself as much as I was competing with everyone else in the room. 

I had been taught by my patriarchal conditioning to achieve, to prove myself, to progress in some way into a future where I would be successful, perfect, and finally experience happiness. Obviously this is an illusion but I bought into it and invested in it because I knew no different, and yoga was now offering me another path to this end goal of success, perfection and happiness, just I’d do it on my mat now. Ha.

Not only that but the athletic nature of the practise, with its emphasis on strength and flexibility, came easily to my body, it was used to me working out and pushing it. I loved that I could practice many of the strengthening postures comfortably while others struggled, and that my flexibility could be enhanced by really pushing it – I could quickly see the ‘results’ and it didn’t take me long to establish a dedicated daily practice to further ‘progress’. In reality I was really caught up in my masculine energy and had the shoulders to prove it!

This is not to say that things weren’t changing, they were. Yoga by its very nature changes things. Only that this approach to practice allowed me to bypass a lot of my body issues, making me even more obsessed about the external, feeding my obsession with it, and encouraging more of the same in my mind, increased rigidity and emphasis on a linear ‘progress’ approach, and left me frequently disappointed when I still found that I didn’t really like myself very much, despite my trying to perfect my practice. 

A year into my yoga practice, I ventured to Byron Bay, the yoga capital of Australia at that time to immerse myself in yoga. Here I discovered what was called dynamic yoga, a combination of Ashtanga and Iyengar, which I had not practiced previously.

Iyengar yoga arose from BKS Iyengar, another Indian student of Krishnamacharya, who also happened to be his brother-in-law. Iyengar had been very sick as an infant and throughout his childhood he struggled with malaria, TB, typhoid, fever and general malnutrition. Krishnamacharya asked Iyengar to join him in Mysore and improve his health through the practice of yoga postures. During a two year period, while Krishnamacharya only taught Iyengar for about 10-15 days, these teachings had a positive influence on Iyengar and when he was 18 Krishnamacharya sent Iyengar to Pune to spread the teachings of yoga. 

Iyengar’s approach to yoga postures is focused on strict alignment principles, this because he was coming at it from a health perspective and was very specific about how a student should place their body to improve their health. This of course, a different approach to Jois, who had arrived to yoga, not through ill health, but with a need for a practice that promoted his vitality during his teenage years. Both of them, Jois and Iyengar, shared the same teacher, but the practices given to them were very different and what they did with those teachings was also very different.

The way they were taught was also different. I won’t go into this now because it’s a whole massive subject all of itself around heart and compassion and the manner in which yoga influences us on that level. From what I gather Krishnamacharya was tough on his students, easily criticising them and especially Iyengar. It is said that Iyengar never really recovered from the criticism he received, and it was not unusual for him to bark at his students and be hard on them too, sometimes slapping them to wake up a part that may have been unconscious. 

Iyengar attracted his students by offering them just what they sought – usually physical stamina and flexibility.  He conducted demonstrations and later, when a scooter accident dislocated his spine, began exploring the use of props to help disabled people practice yoga. Propping in yoga has continued to this day, albeit this is not something that is used in the Ashtanga tradition. Here Jois was renowned for giving intense adjustments taking students beyond their physical and psychological comfort zone that at times caused injury in his students, and now we are aware that he was sexually abusing them too. See, a whole other subject about ethics and morality, for another time perhaps. 

Here in Australia the dynamic yoga classes sought to combine the two approaches, namely the precision of bodily alignment and the focus that this demands, (the perfection one might say) and the movement of the body linked with the breath through set patterns. Both systems promoted strength, stamina, flexibility and balance. 

I was quickly hooked not least because I felt infinitely better for the practice, but simply because of my obsession with perfecting and advancing my yoga practice and here was an approach that not only fed my need for physical workout but also fed my need for perfection, because the strict alignment principles now gave me something to work with – a right way or a wrong way, black or white. This regardless of my body and its needs, or whether putting my body in such a strict shape was healthy for it or not. That didn’t matter, my body needed to fit the pose, not the other way around. 

I was soon practising up to six hours a day with two male teachers mainly, feeding an eating disorder by living on fruit alone (I wanted to have the perfect yoga body, which I believed to be very light and lean) and it is perhaps not surprising that my periods stopped. I was jubilant, no menstruation getting in the way of my practice, but really what it showed was that I was not healthy, feeding my masculine energy, which was out of balance in the first place.

It took me a long time to let go of this approach to yoga which I taught for many years and was well received by my students because they too were often caught in the patriarchal conditioning of exercise, perfection and achievement.

Even when I found my teacher who tried to untrain me and open me up to a more feminine approach to practice, I would still find myself practising in my old masculine way, after our lessons together, because in my mind I had to push and jump around my mat if I hoped to see change. What I failed to realise, was that the greatest change, at least on the inside, would come when I let go of my yoga practice having to be a certain way – the way taught to me mainly by men previously. 

There was one other influential student taught by Krishnamacharya, namely his son, TKV Desikachar, born in Mysore in 1938. Desikachar had a formal education which cumulated in a degree in engineering. However, shortly after beginning his career in this field, he decided to become a yoga teacher after a realisation of the great skills and knowledge that his father was offering.

He asked his father to be his teacher and guide and stayed at his side and learned from him until his death at 100. Desikachar founded the Krishnamacharya Yoga Mandiram in Chennai in his father’s honour.

Early in Desikachar’s yoga teaching and studies, his father asked him to teach the famous philosopher, Krishnamurti. This led to him accompanying Krishnamurti on a lecture tour of Europe and began his involvement with Western students, many of whom then committed themselves to 2 to 3 years of practice with him in India. As they in turn returned home, they set out to spread the teachings to a wider western audience with the main message that yoga practice needs to be tailored to suit the individual, more like bespoke tailoring that “off the peg”.

This was very much the approach of his father, Krishnamcharya, who considered every student as "absolutely unique" and incorporated his knowledge of Ayurveda working with his students on a number of levels including adjusting their diet, creating herbal medicines and setting up a series of yoga postures that would be most beneficial. Krishnamacharya particularly stressed the importance of combining breath work (pranayama) with the postures (asanas) of yoga and meditation (dhyana)) to help them heal and reach their goal. 

Furthermore, he believed that the most important aspect of teaching yoga was that the student be "taught according to his or her individual capacity at any given time". Thus, for Krishnamacharya, the path of yoga meant different things for different people, and each person ought to be taught in a manner that he or she understood clearly.

I am now very fortunate to have two wonderful female teachers in my life who very much adopt this approach. I met both ladies by chance – thank you synchronistic nature of the universe - when I was stuck in my dynamic vinyasa practice when my boys were little. That approach to practice had taken me so far, and I am grateful for those teachings, but as I have mentioned, it got to a point where it was merely feeding more of what now needed to be healed and shifted and I absolutely needed to begin to let go of my patriarchal conditioning and find a more feminine approach to practice instead to set me and my students free.

The first to come in was Helen, who is a TSYP teacher, this the Society of Yoga Practitioners who follow the teachings of T Krishnamacharya and TKV Desikachar. She has taught me Vedic chanting, philosophy, especially the teachings of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, and asana and pranayama. Her approach has always been about what I most need and while it has been difficult at times, calming and slowing things down, I can now really appreciate the benefits of practicing in a way that is so very different to the dynamic vinyasa approach.

I was also led to Louise who is a Scaravelli-inspired teacher. Vanda Scaravelli, an Italian yogini was taught by both Iyengar and Desikachar as well as being good friends with Krishnamurti. She never wanted a lineage named after her, albeit she does have a following of students who will align with her as Scaravelli-inspired teachers. She developed an interest in the breath, gravity and the spine and her work has influenced the teachings which I receive, on a one to one basis mainly, to give me what I most need. Practicing like this has been life changing, no longer does my body have to fit the pose, the pose finds expression through my body. 

And maybe that is where I was getting to with all this. Because my teaching has inevitably changed in recent years as I have connected with parts of myself that were previously not allowed expression, the parts that I rejected because they didn’t fit my patriarchal conditioning, but which were desperate for my attention. It is in this way that my body has healed and my relationship with my menstrual cycle and what it means to be a woman and my sexuality and creativity have improved exponentially as I have reclaimed more of my feminine energy. 

Not only that but some of my fundamental core beliefs about the world and my place in it have changed as I have progressively let go of some of my conditioning and rigidity of mind, seeing through a little bit more of the illusion in the process. The joy of the Scaravelli-inspired approach to practice is one of energy and working with the body not against it. The joy of the TSYP approach to yoga is one of truly connecting with the breath and allowing more calmness because of it. Both approaches have helped me to let go of the notion of things having to be a certain way on my mat – black or white – which has been increasingly reflected in my life.

There is always more practice to be done, more to learn, and more to let go of in the process, more undoing, resting, being and trusting, but one thing that stands out as I approach 20 years of almost daily practice, is the need to honour our needs and what we most need in any moment, not because it is a trend, or someone has told us so, but because we are being increasingly honest with ourselves and the way we are living our life and what might then need to change. 

As a society it seems to me that we need less power and fast and push and rush and external, and more slow and gentle and inward and letting go and being and accepting and receiving. It’s about wholeness essentially and taking from the practice what enhances this rather than takes away from it. It’s an ongoing journey, an imperfect one at that, but this is the thing, life is perfect simply because of its imperfections and our honesty and authenticity. 

This exploration has been helpful because I can more clearly see why we have gotten to where we have gotten to these days as yoga begins to lose some of its popularity, this because people were sold more of the same – perfection, yoga body and endless calmness, happiness and joy. We have to be realistic. Life is messy and chaotic. We cannot expect a continuous state of being. Even enlightenment comes in flashes. 

Hopefully this sets us free from the patriarchal conditioning of perfection and achievement even on our mat and allows us to be more accepting of each moment as it arises and passes. We are part of a whole. My previous blog post explored this. Always a death leads to a new beginning. To try to maintain a linear approach is merely feeding more of what is out of balance in this world. Honouring our own nature is essential, so too our natural constitution. 

Practising in a way that creates greater harmony, encourages more of our whole is perhaps where the emphasis should be nowadays. This requires discernment and the courage to be true, to sift through our conditioning which runs deep. We have grown up in a patriarchal world and it has affected not only our world view but our relationship with our self and – at times – our choice in our approach to yoga practice. We need to be conscious of the effect our practice has on us. 

Tips for getting intimate with your menstrual cycle

Here are some of my tips for getting intimate with your menstrual cycle and your flow:

• Notice the moon cycle. Get outside and see where she is in the night sky and how your own cycle relates to her cycle – do you ovulate on the full moon when she too is at her juiciest? Do you bleed when she is new, so that you share a dark night together, the night before your period and her before she turns new? The more you notice the moon, the more your cycle will align with hers. But please do note that not every lady’s cycle is 29.5 days, so you might not always be in tune with her to the extent that you bless/ovulate on a new/full moon.

• Journaling is a really helpful way to connect with your cycle, writing down how you feel each day and noticing the differences throughout the month and the commonalities from month to month too.

• Notice changes in secretion and discharge throughout your cycle, especially if you are trying to conceive, so that you will have a better understanding of the time of ovulation and the discharge that this brings with it (like egg white!).

• Notice how you are drawn to different activities throughout the month, sometimes needing to rest, sometimes needing to be active, sometimes needing to be creative, other times needing to be quiet and retreat away from the world. Honour these, it is important that you recognise your cyclical nature as a woman and do not deny this in the quest to fit into a linear and masculine world.

• Notice how you crave different foodstuffs at different timed of the month, and honour this, you might well crave sweeter foods prior to your bleed, chocolate especially, go with it, it might be just what you need!

• Start to notice how you are likely to feel tender and vulnerable just after your bleed, becoming more positive and outgoing towards ovulation, before your energy begins to wane and you feel to retreat as you near your bleed and how the dark days prior to your bleed while often desperately uncomfortable can be extremely insightful and allow you to access deeper parts of yourself than you may have realised previously, such as visions and inner knowing. If you are truly honest with yourself at this time, you will notice what needs to change in your life.

• Pay attention to the messages your body is giving you throughout the cycle, notice any pain and tension that arises as this is your body trying to highlight that something is out of balance, that you are holding onto some inner tension, emotional or otherwise, suppressing some aspect of you that is desperate for expression.

• If you suffer with PMS as I did, then absolutely pay attention, especially in the dark days just prior to your bleed. Notice thoughts and dreams that arise during this latter stage of your cycle when your symptoms are at their worst. Notice any old feelings of shame and resentment, of anger and irritation. Do your best to release old emotions through various healing modalities such as SHEN or Reiki at this time, and slow and mindful yoga can help too.

• When you are bleed perhaps wear something red, so that you come to recognise and ritualise this time of your monthly cycle and be proud of it rather than shamed by it. Each bleed brings with it the opportunity for a deep release, for letting go and endings, before you begin your next cycle and allow more of the new into your life. This is the reason it can be helpful to undertake healing work and any kind of journeying towards the end of your cycle, or on the dark moon of the moon cycle – ideal if the two align!

• It’s a step too far for most but when you are bleeding, take yourself outside into a hidden place within your garden, where no one else can see you, even better if you can do it at night under the glow of the moon if she is in the night’s sky, and bleed directly onto the earth. I know for some it sounds absolutely gross, but there is a deep grounding, intimate and empowering that comes from this act of bleeding back to the earth, she who nourishes you and connects you to all life. Don’t tell anyone, just make it a ceremonial act between you, mother earth and the moon.

• Avoid tampons and anything which prevents your flow, or collects blood and holds it stagnant inside you. Allow the flow. Use recyclable pads if you can

• Cultivate a feeling of thankfulness towards your cycle, of allowing more of your deep wisdom, intuition and inner knowing. We women are cyclical in nature and should celebrate that, we are not linear, nor should we attempt to live our lives in a linear and masculine fashion. Embrace the twists and turns, the ups and downs, the tears and the laughter, embrace it all, and enjoy being more of who you truly are beyond the limitations of our culture, which attempts to shame menstruation and the emotional and cyclical nature of life lived as a woman.

• Let your emotions come and go, don’t try to supress them because whatever is repressed will find a way to express itself and this will show up in your menstrual cycle one way or another through pain or other irregularities. Cry, let the tears flow and cleanse and calm you and clear you out for the new. Don’t be ashamed of your emotional vulnerability, don’t be ashamed of menstruation and talking about it, don’t be ashamed of being a woman.

• Visit a site of ancient worship to the goddess, the mother. Here in Guernsey we are very blessed to have two notable ancient goddesses available to us, one outside St Martin’s church and another outside Castel church. Churches were frequently built on sites of ancient ceremony and worship, often to the goddess who was revered before patriarchy arrived into our world. Go visit a goddess, touch her, talk to her, invoke her energy into your life. You might invest in a goddess you can keep in your spiritual space (if you have one), you can buy them online from the Goddess Temple in Glastonbury (https://goddesstemplegifts.co.uk).

• Listen to my free videos and audios on mental health and wellbeing, available from my website at www.beinspiredby.co.uk.

• There are lots of books you can read, I recommend Code Red by Lisa Lister, Yoni Shakti by Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli, Women’s Bodies: Women’s Wisdom by Dr Christiane Northrup and Wild Power by Alexandra Pope. If you are trying to conceive then I highly recommend my own book Dancing with the Moon.

Interview with Emma for Resonance Magazine about IVF

Interview for Resonance Magazine with Reiki Master, Emma Després, author of Dancing with the Moon, about her spiritual journey through IVF.

What prompted you to write your book, Dancing with the Moon?

I was pregnant at the time, and I was aware that I was seeing an increasing number of ladies for Reiki and also at yoga classes who were experiencing fertility problems.  I would often share my story in the hope that it might help them, but decided that instead of repeating myself I would blog about it instead. These blog postings seem to take on their own energy, and it crossed my mind that I might turn it into a book.  However, at that point I didn’t have an ending.  Then my second son was born, and the manner in which he arrived into the world gave me the perfect ending.  I realised immediately after his birth that I had a book – I just needed to finish writing it!

What is the book about?

The book is essentially about my spiritual journey through IVF and on into pregnancy, birth and motherhood.  Each stage presented its own challenges, from failed IVF, complications during pregnancy, births that didn’t go as intended and the shock of motherhood!  It talks about how much Reiki and yoga both helped support me enormously.

In what way did Reiki support you?

I’ve been a Reiki Master since 2006, so Reiki is very much a part of my daily life and I’m eternally grateful for the day Reiki came into my life.  During the IVF, it was a true blessing to be able to channel Reiki to myself during all the treatment, not least to heal from all the injections but also to help to grow good quality, Reiki infused eggs in preparation for egg collection, and then to channel Reiki to recover from egg collection and prepare my womb to receive the embryos, and then to channel Reiki to the embryos minutes after they had been implanted into my womb.

Because of working with energy through Reiki and yoga, it was an absolute blessing to be able to feel the energy of the embryos growing inside me.  This was a source of immense comfort to me during the rather challenging twelve-day wait to see whether the IVF has worked. It continued to be a huge comfort through miscarriage scares and other challenges presented during my two pregnancies – especially the “do not worry” principle.

The ability to channel Reiki to myself was also a huge comfort when both pregnancies ended in Caesarean sections due to complications.  The Reiki really helped my body to heal from the surgery much quicker than if I hadn’t been able to give myself Reiki. 

I still accredit Reiki to helping my youngest son after being born six weeks early and needing oxygen in Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit.  As soon as I was able to touch him, I placed my hands on his chest and channelled Reiki, and I am absolutely convinced that it was doing this as often as I could those first few days that meant he was strong enough to breathe without oxygen much earlier than any of the medical staff expected.  

Furthermore, Reiki helped me to come to terms with a failed round of IVF, and to recognise that there is a bigger picture to all life and everything has a timing. Plus, it helped me to be a much more empathic Reiki practitioner, I wish every lady going through IVF could channel Reiki to themselves, and feel the energy of the growing embryo.  I also wish every baby in NICU could receive Reiki – plus their parents, as it can be a potentially stressful experience.

Has Reiki inspired your writing?

Yes, enormously! I’m truly passionate about Reiki and writing. Reiki has shaped my life in so many ways and I mention it many times in my book, because it has been such an integral part of my journey. I don’t believe I would have written the book if it wasn’t for Reiki helping me to step further into authenticity and empower me to believe in myself and fulfil my dreams. Furthermore, there is no doubt that Reiki has helped me to heal me and connect more fully with my creativity. 

Dancing with the Moon is available to buy in paper back and ebook at www.amazon.co.uk.

Matangi - The Creative Process

This week’s yoni yoga focused on Matangi, one of the ten Mahāvidyas, who has been associated with creativity and the creative process. I like Matangi. I like all the Goddesses really, they’re each relevant at certain moments in our lives, but there’s something about Matangi which talks to me, especially at this time.

As Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes, “Matangi is the outcaste or ‘untouchable’ poet who stands at the edges of conventional society. She is a visionary, wild and free from social constraints of any kind. She is associated here with manifesting the śakti, (powerful energy) in creative expression. Her special siddhi is the capacity for abundant creativity and the expression of unique vision. 

To access this siddhi requires a consciously surrendered participation: for to create and manifest anything, be it a book or a dinner, a yoga festival or a vegetable garden, requires that we surrender entirely to the cyclical processes of creativity. Creativity may involve ecstatic outpourings that are joyous and free, but it always also involves spending time in uncertain places which are frightening and unknown, times when all there is to do is wait (for the seeds to germinate, for the bread to rise, for the editor to get back with the comments on the manuscript). All these aspects of creativity are part of the process. Matangi’s great power is to be equally at home in all of these phases.”

All of life, at all times, is unknown and uncertain, but never has this been highlighted to us more so than now during an outbreak of coronavirus and the resulting lockdown where life as we knew it has stopped, at least for now. We are reminded that all of life is uncertain and unknown and this is difficult for people because it brings up inherent fears, all sorts of fears, around personal safety and stability in an ever changing world. We crave solid ground, something concrete, something that we can anchor ourselves too; in short, something known.

 The creative process thrives on uncertainty and it thrives on those places that can’t always be known. It takes us into those uncertain and unknown places too, where we don’t know if we can do it, create it, write it, paint it, grow it, bake it, plan it, make it. And yet there are times when we know we have to create for our very survival, write, paint, grow, bake, get on with it, express that part of ourselves demanding our attention whether we’re ‘good at it’ or not. 

As a child I loved creative writing, and as a teenager I enjoyed writing poetry. I attempted writing a book but never got to the ending. At university I stuck with poetry, usually late at night when I was all alone, in that quiet and still time when others are asleep and the air is stiller somehow, smoking cigarettes or joints, making drinking wine, listening to Native America Indian music or Deep Forest or Pink Floyd, something that took me to a deeper part of myself, that was craving expression, my soul perhaps.

After university I joined ‘the real world’, as I was told, and any hope I had of making a career out of writing was short lived, there was a finance job instead, with professional exams and therefore endless studying that didn’t allow time for creative writing or much poetry.  There was still poetry though. Generally drunken, despairing poetry, the soul dropping farther and farther away so that I barely recognised myself anymore, I’d even cut my hair short, corporate haircut. 

Depression slipped in, it’s no surprise, I’ve always had a feeling the depression was the darkness of a life devoid of soul and creativity, suppressed, not allowed expression, dead to the world, treading water, heart sunken, joyless, even the poetry dropped away for a bit, tortured soul, breathe. PMS settled in, I wrote about this in the Tārā post, hormones all over the place, the creative voice deep within yearning for expression; the soul expresses itself creatively, is manifest in this world. 

Yoga arrived finally and Reiki soon too, brought about by marathon running and the depression that overwhelmed me, and I’m grateful to whatever it was that called that in - we have to ask ourselves what is it that connects us to our destiny? It’s like the breathe, what calls that in? I’m grateful to whatever it is, angels, spirit, the sacred...we are all of us connected, energy. Even before then though, as I stated living more of my dream for travel, I started to write again, travel emails home and then an article for the local paper, poetry appeared again, but it was the yoga and Reiki that helped me to get over my insecurity slowly, slowly.

A year into my yoga practice I realised that all I wanted to do was travel the world, practice yoga and write about it, and that’s basically what I did for ten years, until Elijah appeared but even then we still kept travelling so I could practice and write about it. By then I had published articles in a couple of yoga magazines and other publications, but I still hadn’t managed to write a book, the ultimate dream, which lay heavily on me, felt like a weight, would I ever manage it one day?

I’d written the first draft of Namaste by then but I’d not taken kindly to the first edit, when the book was really in its infancy and I was in my infancy as an author and I set the book aside, concluded it wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t good enough, without truly appreciating that there is a process to creating and that’s it’s not an altogether easy or straightforward one, which will take you into that void where you just want to give up but you can’t give up, not really, not when you have already invested so much in it. But now I had a child to look after and a job in finance that took a lot of energy. 

It was around then that Uma appeared in my life. I can’t remember the exact details now, which surprises me because I tend to remember those moments where something happens, someone comes in, and life changes. Regardless, I’m grateful to the ‘something’ that connected us, she was the answer to my prayers, bringing with her this beautiful womb yoga practice and yoga nidra. Both practices awoke something in me, made me listen to that deeper voice within that wouldn’t let me give up, that kept whispering in my ear that I needed to get back to writing, regardless of my other commitments, that I needed to prioritise it.

Elijah’s arrival, in my womb, the seat of our creation awoke something too, and even though we had conceived by IVF, there was still a deep creative process, the birth, crickey if ever there is a creative process let alone the pregnancy itself, taking me on a journey that I could never had expected, that was fraught with the unexpected what with the unknown and the uncertainty of full grade placenta previa and a clinical birth in a hospital, where I was gifted the opportunity to truly surrender, but I couldn’t, I kept holding on and on and on, until he was already born and still I held on. 

I was too angry to write, anger suppresses my creativity, dampens my world, as if it puts out the fire that would otherwise burn brightly, causing the words to arrive and arrive, the paradox because fire feeds anger and anger feeds the fire, but not the fire of creative glow, not for me, I need water, watery water, tears are best, so that the words flow from that deeper glorious place, like the waves, no moment the same, timeless, time disappears, the rocks remain the same but the tide moves again, in and out, the moon glows overhead, day and night.

Dropping deeper into that space, creating new life, another pregnancy and by then a whole heap more yoga nidra and womb yoga and another book started to take shape, and then Eben’s arrival into the world. This too a pregnancy journey and a birth that brought with it the unexpected with waters breaking early on a full moon and another clinical birth ahead demanding a deep surrendering, the moon still glowing overhead, dancing in the garden in her light, contracting, and yet knowing it was now time. 

La Gran’mère du Chimquière was visited and she spoke a language that my soul needed to hear. I still can’t be sure what drew me to her, but whatever it is I have learned to trust it, it led me to yoga, to Uma, to answered prayers, the world works in mysterious ways. The deep surrender followed, the letting go, giving in, being with it, a zillion thanks always to Heather Reed for her compassion and kindness, and for being still such a part of my life, there’s a magic that brings people together at just the right time, and this is the creative process. There is a timing. Uma writes about this:

“A crucial aspect of Matangi’s power is correct timing. To maximise the force of her power, the delivery of her observations and/or creative offerings needs to be perfectly timed and placed…It is this aspect of timing that links Matangi so directly to the preceding Mahāvidyā, Kamalātmikā. Because the creativity she manifests, just like the sexual energy liberated by Kamalātmikā, both utterly depend for their power on correct timing. 

Just as there is no point in pressing a woman for sexual intercourse if she is too tired, or too premenstrual or otherwise at the wrong end of her particular cycle, so too there is no point in pushing for productivity in the reflective or evaluative phase of the creative cycle. Both siddhis – the capacity of sexual pleasure to lead us to experiences of cosmic loving connection, and the capacity of creativity to manifest with abundance – have their own particular cycles. Neither the natural flows of sexuality or creativity can be mapped by continuous linear progression. To receive the full power of either siddhi we need to respect the ebbs and flows of the cycles of their power”.

This recognition of the ebb and flow and the cycles of our creative potential is very true and there is absolutely a timing to it. The more I have embraced menstruation consciousness as a spiritual practice, the more I have recognised and embraced my cycle and the creative cycle which is intricately linked, so too then with the moon cycle and the cycle of nature and the ebb and flow of the light. 

Scarvelli-inspired yoga with its emphasis on settling into the unknown and the uncertain has deepened the connection to the inherent creativity, so it has entered a whole other dimension. It’s not that it frees the voice necessarily, although it does do that, but that it frees more of the sacred and the soul and reveals more of that which was previously hidden and stuck and sets it free, beyond any limitation which we might have put in its way, our core beliefs that prevent us living life fully and lead to us trapping ourselves in a conditioned sense of right/wrong and good/bad. It is this that speaks to me when I read about Matangi. As Uma writes:

“In specific relation to the creativity of women, Matangi represents the power of women’s creative voices to overturn or unsettle patriarchal patterns of accepted female behaviours and opinions. She pushes the boundaries and extends the limits of our horizons, so that when we manifest the power of our creative energies we can express what has previously been prohibited or reviled, and we can reveal what was hidden and forgotten…

…Matangi knows the consequences of her revelation: she understands the power of saying what others fear to admit. She is fully aware of the position in which such observations place her and of her role as an object of fear and censure. So Matangi’s voice is brave, and terrifying to those who are constrained by fear to live their lives according to propriety and expectations. She rattles people, pokes holes in their comfortable boxes of convention, and embarrasses the cowed and silent by singing out loud and clear.”

It’s this aspect of Matangi that really draws me to her, stepping out of the box and having the courage and the strength to say it in a way that tries to awaken people and shake them from the binds that keep them enslaved and asleep, that prevents them from questioning and blindly following a path expected of them. We need more women to embrace Matangi and speak their truth, however uncomfortable that might be for everyone else, for patriarchy especially, so subtly entrenched in our society that we don’t even notice it, even us women, a victim to it.

Uma’s sharing is fascinating, for she helps me to see another side, awakens me to the extent that I too am limited by cultural expectations, as she shares: “Sadly, many limits and constraints have been placed by our culture upon women’s creativity. Traditionally almost every dimension of our capacity to create has been curtailed and controlled, with the possible exception of our capacity to birth and mind babies and to make homes and meals for our families and for the families of those who are richer and more powerful than us. Successive waves of feminist activism have brought welcome changes to this state of affairs, and certainly today having babies and cooking are no longer the only spheres of creativity in which women can be expressive. But this is a very recent shift.

Even in the traditionally acceptable spheres of women’s creativity, the domestic realms of childbirth and homemaking, and even now, when you get right up to the top level of power-holding, our culture tends to hand even these womanly expressions of creativity back over to the men and to value their contributions more highly than those of women. For although women may birth babies and midwives may help them, it is the (usually, male) obstetricians who get paid ten times the rate of the midwives, and make the policies in the birthing units and labour wards. 

And though it is mostly women who are making homes and meals at the everyday, mundane level of getting food on the table every teatime and ensuring that the domestic environment is at least relatively non-toxic and that there is somewhere to sit down that is not covered in dirty laundry and Lego, most of the top paid TV celebrity chefs, restauranteurs and folks with their phots on the food packets tend to be men, and most of the wealthiest interior designers and retailers of home-making products, for example the CEOs of global homemaking powers like Ikea and Habitat, tend to be men. All this gives a clear message to women that although we  may be creative in the domestic sphere, out there, what really matters, and where the big money is to be made, it’s a man world, just like everything else, and so to compete with the guys you needs to play the game their way or back out”.

And in the creative field it does sometimes feel as if there is a game to play, at least if you hope to earn any money from it. A few years ago I contacted Hay House publishing about publishing a book, having self-published thus far and I was told that it didn’t matter so much about the quality of the book, but on the number of social media followers I had, and at that time I had none as I had come off all social media so I got a big fat no! There’s a game to be played if you’re up for it, but there’s also another way, our own way, in our own time and with our own voice finding its way. 

There is no doubt that the true creative process will take us into the unknown and the uncertain. The deep creative power that this process may reveal, as we explore more of those deep and luscious places within, will extend the boundaries of existing knowledge and present new perspectives to us that take us into those unknown and uncertain places within us! This can be both scary and messy and yet incredibly liberating, as we discover more of us than we had previously realised, stripping away our conditioning and setting ourselves free. 

This process is not easy, as it breaks down our self-imposed boundaries, our conventional belief system and all we thought was real, the norm then, even if it is not serving us, but its known and certain and gives a sense of stability, until it is broken, so we cultivate courage and we learn to settle into the messiness instead, where life is infinitely more colourful, brighter lived, on an edge of madness and sheer brilliance, to know the soul, like Lalla, and dance, like the moon, in Uma’s words, “a visionary wild and free from social constraints of any kind”, like Matangi, prepared to stand up for what she believes, free, free, free.

 Coronavirus and lockdown especially, with the emphasis on the unknown and the uncertain has ushered in this void of creative potential for those who have stepped away from the fear, the visionaries, those dancing, tapping the edge, exploring more of the space within. This is a time for Matangi, for people to speak up, be wild and free, and I am grateful to her for setting me free, for helping me to give voice to that which others won’t say, and for living life beyond the ordinary, for waking us up if we allow ourselves to be touched by the creative.

If you’re struggling creatively, you’ve written the book but you’re scared to edit it, you’ve drawn the picture but you’re anxious to share it, you have the business idea but you’re scared to turn it into reality, you’re trying to conceive but there’s something stopping you, you’ve turned your hand to baking but you worry others will reject your cakes, you’re keen to get growing but you don’t think you know enough, you’re keen to chant and sign but you don’t think you’re voice is good enough. If there’s some core belief getting in your way, some unhelpful core belief that makes you feel insecure, scared, anxious or somehow worried about your worthiness and how you will be received/judged by others, then you need to look at that.

It’s easy to put your head in the sand and just accept things as they are, but we are all of us inherently creative, it is part of being human and often the only thing getting in our way is us and our own insecurities. So step into them, notice all your excuses, look honestly at them, these obstacles, reframe them and get going, small steps so you won’t get overwhelmed. If you want to write, write, don’t worry about your audience or how you might write a best seller, just get writing, for the sheer love of it. It’s the same with all of it, do it because you love doing it, it doesn’t matter what anyone else things.

The soul seeks expression and will be so happy if you just get on with it. Start noticing your cycles too, because there will be a part of your cycle, whether you are menstruating or not there is still a cycle,  where you will feel more in your creative space than at other times. So embrace those times and try not to force yourself to be creative when the time just doesn’t feel right. Go for a walk instead, lie on your mat and enjoy a yoga nidra. The time will come and then you just got to embrace it. 

Kamalātmikā: Opening to female sexuality

I’ve been procrastinating about writing about the third Mahāvidyā, the third goddess that I shared at yoni yoga last Sunday, Kamalātmikā, because her power is the capacity for experiencing pleasure and delight in abundance; she is sexuality and intimacy! We don’t tend to have intimate conversations, even with those with whom we are most intimate, intimacy brings up our greatest vulnerability and there’s a certain intimacy in even writing about sexuality! 

Kamalātmikā is the radiant goddess of delight, she is always associated with abundance, love and beauty. Of all the Mahāvidyās, it is only Kamalātmikā who is always beneficent, all the others have weapons or fearful aspects. It is Kamalātmikā alone whose abundance and grace is always generous and giving. As Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes: 

“In relation to sexuality, Kamalātmikā’s radiant beauty and abundant generosity reveal the deep and continuous capacity for delight that experiences of conscious sexual fulfilment can bring throughout our lives. Hers is a powerful siddhi that connects us with the power of pleasure as a spiritualising force. When we explore the full spectrum of female sexuality, then the experience of the spirit of sexuality not only includes pleasures we bring to ourselves and those we share with others, but may also include periods of celibacy.”

As the tenth Mahāvidyā she often stands beside Kālī and their relationship is deep. Kamalātmikā is the beauty and delight unfolded into the physical and material realm, whereas Kālī is the beauty of the void from which everything manifests, and it is only by absolute surrender to Kālī that the true grace of Kamalātmikā can shower upon us – surrendering is not always easy as we know, it can be very messy, and nowhere more are we required to surrender than in the quest for deep sexual pleasure and orgasm as a form of spiritually-orientated blissful experience. 

Uma writes, “If we are attracted to the power of delight and pleasure on a superficial level – for example if we pursue sexual experience for the gratification of unconscious needs or the acquisition of status and power – then, inevitably the lotus goddess of delight will show her other form, and the hands that shower down the golden coins and abundant water will become the hands that hold the bloody chopper and the severed head. The immense power of pleasure is, when pursued without consciousness of its spiritual dimension, a potentially destructive force that can deplete, demean and/or disempower us.”

So it goes that Kamalātmikā shows us that sexual fulfilment is not so much delight and pleasure at a superficial level but an opportunity to access much deeper parts of being, that literally enable us to access more of the bliss body, of pure being. This can be healing, not least because of the depth of surrender that is involved, beyond our inherent vulnerability,  but in the way that this enables us women to step into – and unblock – our power, allowing shakti, the female creative essence, to flow where it is most needed.

Uma argues that “if our relationship with the siddhi of Kamalātmikā becomes distant, if we lose our connection for whatever reason with the true nature of our sexuality, then we become exiled from the source of our identity and vitality…We have long been exiled. The deep freedom of loving sexual expression as women is our motherland. But we’ve been away so long we don’t even know what it feels like to come home”.

The term ‘yoni’ means cunt, vulva, womb, source, home, or place of rest. We return home when we connect with this space in our body, upon which yoni yoga and Uma’s womb yoga is centred. It is a deeply healing approach to yoga practice for it literally helps us to come home to ourselves, in the very place of power (shakti) in our bodies. It enables us, if we allow it, to take us to deeper places in ourselves that we didn’t even know we were exiled from until we feel the depth of sensation and surrendering that an awareness here brings. 

 Female sexuality is not something that is freely talked about such is our cultural and societal limitations. This is a culture that still regards menstruation as shameful and should be invisible. This is a culture that teaches women to ignore the ebb and flow of their cycle and pop themselves on a pill through fear of pregnancy and termination, and in the process disconnecting them from the naturally arising cycles of sexual desire, and denying them the opportunity for inner understanding of the links between menstrual cycle, sexuality and fertility.

 This is a culture that lies to women about what to wear and the various cosmetic, depilatory and surgical activities, which are frequently undertaken to try to ensure that the female body is  considered glamorous and sexually attractive to men according to standards set by those in the porn industry. I could write at length at the myriad ways that women are asked to sell out on themselves trying to be something that ultimately takes them away from an authentic encounter with the energises of their own unique sexuality.

Instead they sell out to patriarchy and capitalism, giving up true beauty and the spiritual power of genuine and loving sexual encounter, because they are told that this is how it should be. It’s not just the pill that is the problem, but the whole deal, the high heels that suffocate feet and damage spines, the surgical alteration of breasts and vagina, the wearing of toxic chemicals in the quest to ‘smell nice’, and the potential damage done by wearing underwired bras, which have been the focus of debates as to whether or not the wearing of them contributes to breast cancer. 

Deadly to women too, and as Uma writes, is the “repeated experiences of conventional thrusting hetero-sex that involves rhythmic friction between penis and vagina without prior adequate female sexual arousal, such as that practised in most bedrooms and aggressively promoted on every porn channel/internet site in the world, causes long-term damage and desensitisation of female genitalia, to the point where many women are unable to experience vaginal, uterine or G-spot/blended orgasm. Tied into the expression of women’s sexuality is also a deep fear of the dangers to which it makes us vulnerable; the dangers of verbal and physical abuse, of public humiliation and rape. Our culture permits hardly any safe spaces for the genuinely free exploration and expression of female sexuality”.

It’s a sorry state of affairs where women are encouraged to sell out on themselves, give up on their inner arisings and feelings in the quest to look a certain way to encourage sexual desire in others. This so subtle too, that we don’t even realise that we are fulfilling cultural expectations rather than allowing our own greater fulfilment, sexually and spiritually too. I know from my own experience how difficult it is to break free from this conditioning, to understand the extent to which “our culture’s conventional definition of female sexuality truly is an empty shell”, as Uma writes.

Yet when we do it can be truly liberating, to appreciate the extent that our sexuality is not based on outward experience, but comes from a much deeper place within, that cannot be bought or manipulated, that doesn’t involve us changing our breast size or the shape of our labia or shaving our pubic hair, or wearing make-up and certain clothes or shoes, or wearing our hair a certain way, or being on the pill and sexually available at all times to meet the needs of someone else, regardless of whether we feel sexually aroused or not. No, this comes from a very different place. 

The trouble comes in trying to access this deeper place. If we have experienced sexual trauma and termination for example, or a relationship that left us feeling extremely vulnerable and sexually-used then it can take time to release these experiences from our bodies, to allow ourselves to open to pleasure when all we have felt in this most sacred of places in our bodies is pain. I know from my own embodied experience how tricky this journey can be, how there are layers and levels to the pain and the holding on that prevent us from truly surrendering to any potentially pleasurable and delightful moment of bliss, spiritual or not. 

It was only through discovering Uma and her womb yoga that I began to release that which was holding me back from finding my way back home again, and this motivated in part yoni yoga, which took me into these places where the shame, anger and sadness was still held. It was these places that revealed themselves to me when my body was positioned a certain way in my practice that caused a jolt of memory, forgotten memory, such was the pain that caused me to pop the feelings and the experience into the back of my mind, and deep into my body where I could ignore them and not feel.

It was Scaravelli-inspired yoga though where the true release came. I knew that I needed to re-discover my ability to be intimate, to touch those lost parts of self that I knew were longing for expression, but that I couldn’t access. I could have continued my life as it was, in a loving relationship with a soul mate and the depth of intimacy and pleasure that that brings and yet knowing that there was another level even to this if I could allow the healing that I began to appreciate needed to take place.

I kept wondering how and then going back to sleep again, it was easier to resign myself to it than do anything about it, mainly because I didn’t know what to do about it, it’s not a conversation I have had with anyone other than a gentle soul friend in a snatched conversation on the beach before children interrupted our quick intimacy. I prayed for help as it happens, prayed to be shown the way that I might take to find my home again. 

In came Scaravelli-yoga and this took me to the soft places, the gateways and the sacred spaces where I had no choice but to peel back layer upon vulnerable layer, back to source, to reconnect to those deeper parts of self that had frozen in time with traumatic experience, sexual and otherwise, the clinical nature of IVF doesn’t help, in those moments lived that somehow tore at the very heart of me and caused me to effectively shut down from feeling the depth of pleasure, that I might have felt more effortlessly prior to these painful experiences, that prevented me from truly surrendering. 

There is a connection between the ‘low heart’ of the sacral chakra, home of the sexual organs, and the ‘high heart’ of the heart chakra. When the energy of the low heart is blocked by trauma, abuse, or any belief around sex not being enjoyable, then there will be an impact in the high heart too. It’s not just the low heart that suffers but the high heart too, and when we heal the lower heart we heal the higher heart too. I touch more on this in my book, From Darkness Comes Light, but you’ll need to wait for that as it is still being edited! 

There’s always a vulnerability in sharing so intimately but I believe it is time that we are more honest with ourselves as women and with each other women too. For we have been exiled for too long, selling out on ourselves, seeking validation for our sexual power in all the wrong ways. I know now that it is not something that is necessarily seen in outward appearance, but is an energy, something that can heal us and bring us home to ourselves in a very real way, that is not only a physical experience but is deeply spiritual too if we allow it and let go of what we think it is in the first place.

If you have found your way to these words and you know on some level, as much as you might ignore it, that there is healing needed, work to be done, a deeper connection to be made, a coming home to that sacred place, the yoni, then it is time now my friend to take the leap and slowly let go of all you thought it might be, to see what instead might reveal itself to you when you go gently…into…that…space. Slowly too. Slowly is best. 

Find womb yoga, yoni yoga, Scaravelli-inspired yoga, an approach to practice that is both intimate and healing, pray, ask for guidance and be prepared to follow what opens itself to you. Go easy. Take your time. Invite Kamalātikā into your life and let her guide you. I’ll leave you with this quote by Annie Sprinle, in Foreqard to Sundahl, 2003, which I copy from Uma’s truly amazing book, Yoni Shakti: 

 “Our sexuality is not only something that can be used for the enhancement of intimate relationships, for physical pleasure, or procreation. It can also be used for personal transformation, physical and emotional healing, self-realisation, spiritual growth and as a way to learn about all of life and death. An honest, sexually knowledgeable woman, or group of women, is a divine and extremely powerful force that not only can inspire other women, but also have the potential to contribute to the well-being of all life on earth”.

Expectant mums and right to a partner at birth and antenatal appointments in Guernsey

As You’ll know from my previous posts and my letters to the Guernsey Press and there was even a brief moment on Channel TV, I feel passionate about the rights of human beings and especially the rights of pregnant women on Guernsey during lockdown.

In an effort to try to help those women who have had their voice taken away from them through decisions made by the States of Guernsey, it was suggested I write to the CCA. The letter I wrote follows below.

I received a friendly and prompt response from Heidi Soulsby, who I very much respect. She says that she understands my concerns and how it would be the preference to have a companion at the birth of one’s child, but the decision falls under the mandate of HSC as part of its operational decision making, not CCA.

She explained that very difficult decisions are having to be made as the impact of COVID on the hospital is real and can be profound. She stressed that Guernsey only has one hospital and this has already experienced disruption due to a number of staff at all levels having to go into self-isolation - this is not a theoretical issue.

She very kindly offered to forward my letter to Deputy Brouard and ask at the next CCA meeting if he can look at whether anything further can be done to support mothers whilst we are in lockdown in light of the issues I raised.

I am hopeful that with decreasing rates of COVID, some of the stringent rules currently impacting expectant mums will be eased as part of the process of phasing out of lockdown. I do wonder if there is a broader picture here in respect of the need for a shift in perspective on birth generally. Even WHO stresses that a “good birth” does beyond having a healthy baby and stresses that each labour is different and that individualised and supportive care is the key to positive childbirth experience.

“We want women to give birth in a safe environment with skilled birth attendants in well-equipped facilities. However, the increasing medicalization of normal childbirth processes are undermining a woman’s own capability to give birth and negatively impacting her birth experience,” says Dr Princess Nothemba Simelela, WHO Assistant Director-General for Family, Women, Children and Adolescents. 

“If labour is progressing normally, and the woman and her baby are in good condition, they do not need to receive additional interventions to accelerate labour,” she says.

The article goes on to say that ‘Childbirth is a normal physiological process that can be accomplished without complications for the majority of women and babies. However, studies show a substantial proportion of healthy pregnant women undergo at least one clinical intervention during labour and birth. They are also often subjected to needless and potentially harmful routine interventions”.https://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/2018/positive-childbirth-experience/en/

The need for intervention will likely only increase with the stress that expectant mums are under here in Guernsey especially now during lockdown but also with the medicalised approach to birth that we see here with the maternity services being located within the hospital.

Anything any of us can do to help raise awareness and keep the conversation open, with the hope of changing local attitudes towards birth (that it doesn’t need to be a clinical experience) and ensures that expectant mums and their partners have a voice and are empowered and feel safe to use it - can only be a positive thing for human rights generally.

….

Dear members of the CCA

Expectant mums and right to a partner at birth and antenatal appointments. 

I am writing to express my concern that expectant mums are still being denied the opportunity to be accompanied into theatre with a birth partner when requiring a Caesarean Section, and that expectant mums are also still denied the opportunity to take a partner with them to their antenatal scans. 

Expectant mum and birth partner during Caesarean Section

The World Health Organisation (“WHO”) strongly recommend supporting women to have a chosen companion during labour and childbirth, including during Covid-19: “When a woman has access to trusted emotional, psychological and practical support during labour and childbirth, evidence shows that both her experience of childbirth and her health outcomes can improve.  In Companion of choice during labour and childbirth for improved quality of care, WHO and HRP present updated information on the benefits of labour companionship for women and their newborns, and how it can be implemented as part of efforts to improve quality of maternity care. 

The current COVID-19 pandemic is no exception. 

WHO Clinical management of COVID-19: interim guidance strongly recommends that all pregnant women, including those with suspected, probable or confirmed COVID-19, have access to a companion of choice during labour and childbirth.

Again and again, research shows, that women greatly value and benefit from the presence of someone they trust during labour and childbirth.  A companion of choice can give support in practical and emotional ways. 

They can bridge communication gaps between a woman in labour and the healthcare workers around her, offer massage or hand-holding to help relieve pain, and provide reassurance to help her feel in control. As an advocate, a labour companion can witness and safeguard against mistreatment or neglect.   

The benefits of labour companionship can also include shorter length of time in labour, decreased caesarean section and more positive health indicators for babies in the first five minutes after birth.”

Please see this link to the full article, https://www.who.int/news/item/09-09-2020-every-woman-s-right-to-a-companion-of-choice-during-childbirth

Furthermore, and as you will know, human rights require public bodies to treat people with dignity and respect and to consult them about decisions and respecting their choices. Human rights law give expectant mums the right to receive maternity care, to make their own choices about their care and to be given standards of care that respect their dignity and autonomy as human beings. 

The Human Rights (Bailiwick of Guernsey) Law came into effect on 1st September 2006.The law incorporates the provisions set out in the European Convention on Human Rights into Bailiwick law. It also makes it unlawful for a public authority to act in a way which clashes with those provisions. The law ensures that everyone in the Bailiwick is entitled to the fundamental rights and freedoms of the European Convention on Human Rights.

The fundamental human rights values of dignity, autonomy and equality are often relevant to the way a woman is treated during pregnancy and childbirth. Failure to provide adequate maternity care, lack of respect for women’s dignity, invasions of privacy, procedures carried out without consent, failure to provide adequate pain relief without medical contraindication, and lack of respect for women’s choices about where and how a birth takes place, may all violate human rights and can lead to women feeling degraded and dehumanised.

Article 8 of the European Convention guarantees the right to private life, which the courts have interpreted to include the right to physical autonomy and integrity. The European Court of Human Rights has held that the right to private life includes a right for women to make choices about the circumstances in which they give birth. The separation of either parent from their newly born child also constitutes an interference with their (and their child’s) rights under this article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. 

Birthrights, a UK based organisation, protecting human rights in childbirth published legal advice on 12 February 2021, which states that, “The separation of either parent from their newly born child constitutes an interference with their (and their child’s) rights under article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. The circumstances of giving birth also engage the rights of the parents and the child under article 8.4. It is therefore wrong in law to suggest that “legislation” requires all parents who test positive for COVID-19 to self-isolate at all times. Being present during childbirth and at the neonatal stage may be necessary for the purposes of “medical assistance” or it may be necessary, depending on the facts of an individual case, to facilitate the exercise of article 8 rights.” JUDE BUNTING DANIEL CLARKE Doughty Street Chambers 29th January 2021. 

You can view the letter here: https://www.birthrights.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Note-on-lawfulness-of-NHSE-Guidance-sent-to-client-09.02.2021.pdf

The WHO believes “high quality care” should encompass both service delivery and the woman’s experience: “Our new recommendations on intrapartum care set the global standard on the provision and experience of care during birth. The guidelines place the woman and her baby at the centre of the care model, to achieve the best possible physical, emotional and psychological outcomes.

Critical components of a woman-centred approach include: avoiding unnecessary medical interventions, encouraging women to move around freely during early labour, allowing them to choose their birth position and have a companion of their choice by their side. It also means ensuring privacy and confidentially and providing adequate information about pain relief.”

See more here, https://www.who.int/mediacentre/commentaries/2018/having-a-healthy-baby/en/

It shouldn’t even be a matter of law or human rights or the WHO’s guidance on childbirth, it should be a matter of compassion and respect. Any woman who has experienced Caesarean Section will know how important it is to have a birth companion present.  I have experienced two Caesarean Sections, one planned due to pregnancy complications and another emergency, due to early rupture of waters and perceived risk of infection. 

Like many, my partner and I conceived through IVF, suffering loss in the process. We also experienced the trauma of early pregnancy bleeding and pregnancy complications so that by the time of the birth, we had been on a stressful and traumatic journey to parenthood together and we were keen to see that through to fruition together. We are not unlike many other couples, the journey to conception can be challenging, and there are often losses and complications along the way.

Birth is also not without its challenges, not least because of inherent fear of stillbirth but because of the current-medicalised nature of birth and the fear that accompanies a clinical hospital environment. During my first pregnancy, due to complications with the placenta, there was a risk that I would require a general anaesthetic. This notion caused me to feel extremely stressed because both my partner and I wanted to be present at the birth of our firstborn and be a family together - finally. 

Fortunately a general anaesthetic was not required but I spent the first part of the procedure shaking uncontrollably (and yet trying to keep still for the spinal block), surrounded by people I didn’t know, in a clinical theatre that I had never seen before, with bright lights and noise, wearing only a thin hospital gown to protect what was left of my modesty. This was not the environment that I had wanted for birth.

I cannot express the relief I felt when my partner was finally admitted to theatre and stood beside me holding my shaking hand. He was not only a source of much comfort as my baby was essentially cut from me, but he was able to reveal the sex and be part of the ‘birthing process’, an experience neither of us will ever forget – we have the photos if we do, because we were permitted an iPad in theatre. He was also able to hold his son while my low blood pressure was stabilised, and be with me for the duration of time spent in recovery.

To have expected me to do this on my own, and denied my partner the right to be with us as a family and welcome his son into the world would have been cruel and unforgivable. Yet here in Guernsey we are expecting women to do this during the stress of lockdown too. 

The strict new rules that have been implemented at the PEH further compound this, which will undoubtably cause more women to require medical intervention than may otherwise have been necessary, resulting in a higher incidence of Caesarean section and more partners missing the birth of their babies. 

Surely birth partners in full PPE, having taken a Covid test every 96 hours prior to birth, and self-isolated, should pose no greater risk than theatre staff and midwives who are not subject to the self-isolation rules prior to birth. Further, the argument that theatre staff shouldn’t be burdened with caring for a partner is nonsense; they do this ordinarily (together with a  midwife and the kindness of the anaesthetist in my case) so what difference does it make now. 

There is a thin line between protecting the vulnerable and creating greater vulnerability. In the CCA’s effort to protect the elderly and most vulnerable from death through COVID-19 and to ensure that the medical services are not overrun, CCA is overlooking the vulnerability of expectant mums and the increased risk of birth trauma and resulting impact on mother, partner and baby post-partum, leading to mental, emotional and psychological issues at a later date. This is not a time to be ‘selling out’ on the next generation.

Taking a partner to an antenatal scan

I am also concerned that the current strict rules in place in the maternity unit resulting in expectant mums not able to take partners with them for antenatal scans are infringing on their rights.

Albeit in the UK, Birthrights has received legal advice stating that maternity services which prevent partners from attending scans, and don’t allow partners to be involved in the appointment remotely, may be acting unlawfully and unreasonably.

This legal advice prepared by Shu Shin Luh of Doughty Street Chambers with support from Irwin Mitchell concludes that “a blanket prohibition on the use of streaming or recording during antenatal appointments in circumstances where the support partner is unable to attend in-person with a pregnant woman is likely to be unlawful, discriminatory and violate both Articles 8 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights.”

It makes clear that “there is a well-established body of clinical evidence showing that partner participation in antenatal appointments and through a woman’s pregnancy improves maternal and foetal health.”

The advice mentions that there is compelling evidence that having a support partner present at antenatal appointments improves maternal and foetal outcomes for pregnant women, a finding backed by clinical studies and by the WHO, even in the context of the pandemic; and evidence of potential harm and risk of harm to pregnant women and their families of not facilitating partner participation at important clinical junctures of a woman’s pregnancy journey. 

Furthermore, the advice stipulates that, “the outright refusal to make arrangements to enable pregnant women to involve their partners in the antenatal appointments, either by streaming or recording the appointments would, in my view, engage Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights (“ECHR”) and the right to of both parents’ to their private and family life. It is my view that it will be difficult to identify any clear or proportionate justification for taking such extreme measures, particularly given strong policy reasons for encouraging and facilitating partner attendance as clinically beneficial to maternal and foetal health.” SHU SHIN LUH Doughty Street Chambers, 21 January 2021. 

You can read the full advice here https://www.birthrights.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/210114-Birthrights.Advice-filming-at-scans.pdf and the article from Birthright here https://www.birthrights.org.uk/2021/01/31/partners-should-be-able-to-join-maternity-scans-remotely-say-lawyers/. 

Again, perhaps it’s not until you have been an expectant mum attending a scan with a history of fertility and pregnancy complications that you appreciate the need for a partner to be present. 

Having experienced early pregnancy bleeding, I was extremely nervous attending the 12 weeks scans during both pregnancies, this after early pregnancy scans to confirm IVF pregnancy and continuation of pregnancy despite bleeding. There is a degree of ‘not being able to rest easily’ until passing 12-week scan threshold, when rates of miscarriage decrease, and expectant mums feel at greater ease of revealing the pregnancy publicly. 

The 20-week scan was equally as nerve racking if not more so, because at this scan the foetus is checked for visible abnormality. The sex of the foetus can also be revealed. It was at this scan that a problem with the placenta was identified and this required a transvaginal ultrasound, where a probe was inserted into the body. Regardless of any previous sexual trauma, it can be a stressful experience and I would have felt desperately uncomfortable having this transvaginal scan conducted without my partner being present in the room with me.  

Not only that but many women have suffered miscarriage and are highly stressed ahead of any scan. My friend who is 20-weeks pregnant attended a scan on her own here in Guernsey last week, this after attending a 12-week scan during her first pregnancy and discovering that there was no heartbeat. To have expected her to attend a 20-week scan on her own, without her partner, to check for birth abnormalities, after having suffered a miscarriage during her first pregnancy and this revealed to her at a scan is inherently cruel.

She asked the sonographer if she could take a video for her partner, this being their first baby together and possibly their only child, but this was denied. A question was raised in Monday’s States briefing about the reason women cannot take videos of scans to share with their partners but this went unanswered. I suspect it is to do with litigation, but this should not prevent the live streaming of scans to partners at home.

Deputy Al Brouard is quoted in the Guernsey Press on Monday 15th February 2021 as saying: “They (the medical staff) are 100% committed to helping women and families have the best birthing experience possible, whatever the circumstances”. I don’t agree with him and I am both ashamed with, and disappointed, at the States of Guernsey and their decision to deny women the opportunity to take a partner with them during Caesarean Section and antenatal scan. 

I believe that the States of Guernsey has a moral obligation as much as a legal duty, to show greater compassion towards the rights of women, men and families when it comes to medical care during pregnancy and birth regardless of Covid-19 and lockdown. I hope that you will reconsider the current rules and extend an apology to those women, men and families who have been denied the best birthing experience possible during lockdown on Guernsey. 

Many thanks and best wishes

Emma

Tārā as the guiding star: the menstrual cycle

This week’s Mahāvidyā, is Tārā. She is the great wisdom goddess, whose name literally means ‘star’. She is the protectress of navigation and earthly travel, as well as spiritual travel along the path to evolution, and fulfilment and enlightenment, offering the liberating grace of divine transcendence.

In this way, Tārā is a beautifully light-fuelled reminder of the ultimate direction and meaning of all our lives, as we are each our own embodied star, containing within us the wisdom to know the direction of our path, and of our time here on Planet Earth, a beacon upon ourselves 

In the Buddhist tradition, there are a number of different forms of Tārā although her most recognised quality is that of beneficence and compassion. She is by far the most popular and greatest deity within Tibetan tantric Buddhism, worshipped throughout Nepal, Tibet and South-East Asia, and recognised as the ‘mother’, related to the very earliest worship of our Mother God.

However from a Hindu Tantric perspective, Tārā has a fierceness and capacity for violence which is similar to Kālī. She is one of the ten Mahāvidyās, which translates into English as one of the great revelations or manifestation. In Tantrism, there is the idea that the Divine Feminine is the supreme cosmic force in the universe equivalent to Brahman.  

An important aspect from the Mahāvidyā perspective is that Devi or the Great Goddess, has a tendency to manifest herself in a variety of forms so as to protect cosmic stability. The ten Mahāvidyās represent a common way of expressing the idea that goddesses can take many different forms. 

The common theme underpinning all this, is a recognition that our perceived world of dualities – male/female, pure/impure, sun/moon, good/evil, microcosm/macrocosm etc is a false one. For seekers, to know true reality is to reach a state of being where all opposites unite. 

As you may know from an earlier blog post, Kālī personifies the highest reality and ultimate truth. Blue as the sky, and equally all encompassing, to the seeker, the terrible Kālī is also the benevolent mother, the destroyer of false notions and beliefs and the primordial power that moves the universe. All the other deities arise and dissolve in her. 

Among the other mahāvidyās, none is as close to Kālī in spirit and appearance as Tārā. Second only in importance to Kālī in her importance, but like Kālī she carries deadly weapons and stands triumphantly upon the dead body of Śiva. As Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes, “Tārā has a paler complexion, but she is every bit as fierce. I understand this fierceness to be a strong compassion, a love that has the capacity to bestow deep liberation”.

The siddhi (magical power) that Uma associates with Tārā is “of trust in change as a way to be carried through difficulty”. The root syllable of Tārā’s name, tr, means to take across, and the feeling of her power is that it can carry us over and through challenge, but only if we give ourselves up to it. This is the central revelation of the siddhi of menstrual cycle awareness: that if we honour and respect the forces of change that work within us through the menstrual cycle, then what we learn about this cycle carries us through the challenges of all other cycles of change. Meeting the challenges of our experience of the menstrual cycle supports our capacity to embrace change in all other dimensions of our lives. 

Tārā’s siddhi has the capacity to carry us through the mire and confusion of suffering and difficulty to reach the solid ground of wisdom and knowledge. Tārā is also, like Kālī, a great goddess of transformation. She is the first transformation of Kālī, the primary manifestation of the force of change at work. The notion of transformation is central to the spiritualised understanding of the power of the menstrual cycle: for it is through an acceptance and understanding of the rhythms of the our own monthly cycle that we are able to accept the transformative wisdom which each of these experiences has to offer us. 

If, however, we do not take the opportunity (or are denied the awareness that makes such acceptance  and intimate knowledge possible), then the great gift of cyclical knowledge and its capacity to transform us becomes a curse. Without the siddhi of understanding and acceptance which Tārā offers us, then the greatest female siddhi of them all becomes nothing but a heavy burden. For to encounter menstrual cycles without awareness of the capacity for deep wisdom that resides within them becomes an experience of difficulty and challenge that seems to have no point, a focus of resentment, annoyance, embarrassment and shame.”

It’s in this way that we can use conscious menstruation as a spiritual practice, understanding more of the siddhi of transformation that Tārā can bring. I have been experiencing this for myself for a number of years now. It wasn’t that I was unaware of my menstrual cycle prior to this, in many respects it was my menstrual cycle and PMS that played a central role in bringing me to yoga and waking me up, but that I hadn’t worked with it as a potential practice for spiritual liberation and opportunity to access deeper wisdom. 

My menstrual cycle used to be a source of much suffering and misery. Over the first two weeks of my cycle, the follicular stage, during the time between menses and ovulation I would feel great, have lots of energy and feel relatively confident and enthusiastic about life. But then the luteal phase would arrive from post-ovulation to menses and it would be like a light switch being turned off, all of a sudden I would be flung into the darkness of depression, and lose interest and enthusiasm in life.

The closer towards menses the worse I would feel; not only depressed but also anxious, sensitive to criticism, very critical about everything, especially myself, irrationally angry, ‘flying off the handle’ at the smallest things, weepy, bloated and completely uncomfortable in my own skin. It was a really horrible experience that made me loathe the menstrual cycle and its resulting PMS (as my experience was later diagnosed). 

It was the depression that brought me to yoga and this took me to Carol Champion, a Guernsey-based nutritionist who helped me to work out the link between the intensity of the depression and my menstrual cycle, a symptom of PMS. While Carol helped me enormously, my ongoing fascination with PMS and my quest to ‘rid myself of it’ took me to Ayurveda and this took me to Uma and onto Code Red by Lisa Lister, and I haven’t looked back since.

What I didn’t know back then, was that our menstrual cycle helps us to know more of the truth of ourselves. As Dr Christiane Northrup writes, “The menstrual cycle is the most basic, earthy cycle we have. Our blood is our connection to the archetypal feminine. The macrocosmic cycles of nature, the waxing and waning, the ebb and flow of the tides and the changes of the seasons, are reflected on a smaller scale in the menstrual cycle of the individual female body. The monthly ripening of an egg and subsequent pregnancy or release of menstrual blood mirror the process of creation as it occurs not only in nature, unconsciously, but in human endeavor. In many cultures, the menstrual cycle has been viewed as sacred.”

Our menstrual cycle can show us when we are living out of alignment with our truth. Me not feeling comfortable within my own skin those last two weeks of my cycle was indicative of my life at that time. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin generally because I was living a life that didn’t fit. I was working in a job I hated, I was in denial of an eating disorder, I was smoking cannabis and endless cigarettes and I was drinking far too much wine and giving myself a bloody hard time about all of it, leaving me feeling depressed, anxious and full of hatred for self.

Then yoga came along, quickly followed by healthy eating and Reiki and life changed as I changed my relationship with myself and vice versa.  The bouts of depression eased as I discovered more of my heart and started listening as my soul was also allowed expression. The symptoms of PMS eased too, but I kept overlooking the cyclical nature of what it means to be a women and I was constantly trying to ‘heal’ and ‘fix’ the second half of my cycle, because it made me feel ‘darker and edgier’ than the first half.

It wasn’t until much later when I discovered menstruation consciousness as a spiritual practice that I realised that the different stages of the menstrual cycle are not meant to be the same!   We women are cyclical in nature, like the moon, we have our own waxing and waning, and the more I connected with the moon, the more I connected with my menstrual cycle and the waxing and waning journey it took me on.

I stopped trying to ‘fix’ my cycle and learned to listen to it instead, to be with it, and appreciate the wisdom it was imparting, the manner in which it was highlighting where I was out of alignment with my truth, or where I was living my life out of balance, selling out on myself, stepping too much into my masculine energy again, doing too much, being too much of, well, everything and overlooking the subtleties of other ways of being, or other interests and passions awaiting discovery if only I might get out of my own way!

This wasn’t to deny then the full range of emotions that I might feel during my cycle, the last two weeks especially, but to better understand, interpret and absolutely allow them. This has been key. Whereas once I turned away from the emotional intensity of the last week of my cycle particularly, now I turn into it, because I know that it is potentially the most informative and transformative moment of the entire cycle. 

As Dr Christiance Northrup writes: “Since our culture generally appreciates only what we can understand rationally, many women tend to block at every opportunity the flow of unconscious “lunar” information that comes to them premenstrually or during their menstrual cycle. Lunar information is reflective and intuitive. It comes to us in our dreams, our emotions, and our hungers. It comes under cover of darkness.

When we routinely block the information that is coming to us in the second half of our menstrual cycles, it has no choice but to come back as PMS or menopausal madness, in the same way that our other feelings and bodily symptoms, if ignored, often result in illness.

The luteal phase, from ovulation until the onset of menstruation, is when women are most in tune with their inner knowing and with what isn’t working in their lives.

Studies have shown that women’s dreams are more frequent and often more vivid during the premenstrual and menstrual phases of their cycles. Premenstrually, the “veil” between the worlds of the seen and unseen, the conscious and the unconscious, is much thinner.

We have access to parts of our often unconscious selves that are less available to us at all other times of the month. In fact, it has been shown experimentally that the right hemisphere of the brain—the part associated with intuitive knowing—becomes more active premenstrually, while the left hemisphere becomes less active.

Interestingly enough, communication between the two hemispheres may be increased as well. The premenstrual phase is therefore a time when we have greater access to our magic—our ability to recognize and transform the more difficult and painful areas of our lives.

Premenstrually, we are quite naturally more in tune with what is most meaningful in our lives. We’re more apt to cry—but our tears are always related to something that holds meaning for us. Years of personal and clinical experience have taught me that the painful or uncomfortable issues that arise premenstrually are always real and must be addressed.

I pay attention in this later stage of my cycle. I notice how I have a rush of energy five days or so before menses, like I did the day before my contractions started for my youngest son (my first born was birthed by Caesarean Section prior to contraction due to full grade placenta previa), as if allowing me to tidy up things. Then I notice how my energy wanes, as if it has been sucked from me, so that I do not feel to rush around and instead there is a pull to retreat from the world as I also become more critical of the state of the world I find myself living in.

This is not necessarily an easy time for my partner because I become more critical of everything and my tendencies towards cleanliness of my immediate environment become more pronounced. Fortunately I’m rarely critical to the self anymore and the anger to self has dropped away. The fire inside me still burns strongly in me though at this time, lots of pitta, resulting in less tolerance, less patience and I am more likely to snap far quicker than I might do ordinarily – I might have a ‘sharper’ tongue too, and my temperature rises, resulting in a more unsettled night’s sleep and looser stools. 

I also become more opinionated and vocal about issues close to my heart. I feel much more creative too and tend to experience an overwhelming need to write. I can write prolifically during this time too, I’m on my second blog post of the day during this time, for example, having already edited a bit of my book – the enhanced critical eye and pickiness has its benefits as I can edit much more easily, I’m more certain, less wishy washy, it’s a good time for decisions, the words come flow more easily (at least if I am in the zone – my cycle will tell me if I am not!). 

In many respects my passion and my fierceness, and the fieriness that underpins this, reminiscent of Tārā and her fierceness, which Uma explains as a strong compassion, a love that sets us free, defines this period of my cycle. Don’t mess with me! I might feel increasingly vulnerable, to the extent that I might rather not have to stand in front of students and teach yoga or Reiki if I have the choice, but I will stand up for what I believe in, and this from a place of compassion and love. 

I surprise myself sometimes, because I don’t realise until that time the extent to which I feel passionate about something, such as women’s rights to birth with a partner of choice as revealed itself to me this latter part of cycle, and women’s relationship to menstruation and the need for more women to recognise that menstruation consciousness can be used as a for of spiritual practice, rather than feared through shame, embarrassment or any of the myriad of negative conditioning that we have absorbed from society. 

But this is the thing about this stage of our cycle. The more we pay attention, the more we come to know what really makes us who we are, and where we need to be placing our energy and what needs expression and/or healing. The dark moon day, the day before menses, this is a gift, as if the veil between the worlds is lifted, there is always some insight we may receive,  transformative potential if we can interpret it, and perhaps it doesn’t matter if we can’t, because it will likely unfold anyway, once we have started to become more open and receptive to it, friendlier then. Pay attention!

Notice the moon cycle too and how aligned or out of aligned your cycle is with this. Everyone’s cycle will have a different duration, those like me who are more pitta orientated will have a more regular cycle that lasts 28-29 days, but someone who is more vata orientated will likely experience an irregular cycle and those kapha orientated will have a slightly longer cycle. It’s the same with bleeding, depending on Ayurvedic constitution, the consistency and length of menses will be different, light and short for vata, initially heavy then lighter, 5 days for pitta and heavier 5-7 days for kapha. You’ll be more prone to weepiness and emotional outbursts if vata, anger and aggressiveness if pitta and lethargy and sleepiness if kapha.

Each phase of the menstrual cycle has a different Ayurvedic quality to it too. The vata phase lasts from approximately day 1-5 (from the first day of bleeding). The kapha phase lasts from the end of bleeding until ovulation (approx. days 5-14) The pitta phase lasts from ovulation until your period starts (days 14-18). This can really help you to understand your dosha, your fault, as you notice how each phase of the cycle affects you from an Ayurvedic perspective. If your pitta is out of balance, as mine was, for example, then you’ll feel excess fire, anger and aggressiveness in the pre-menstrual stage.

When I was paying particular attention to my menstrual cycle in preparation for IVF, I was absolutely delighted when my ovulation (albeit medically created through the use of IVF drugs) coincided with the full moon, and we conceived both our boys from this full moon cycle. There is a natural affinity between the ‘full moon’ and the ‘fullness’ of eggs at ovulation. Studies suggest that more women ovulate at the full moon than they do at the new moon as if proving the relationship between the menstrual cycle and the moon - so important to know this kind of stuff if you are trying to conceive. Even though my cycle is not the 29.5 days of the moon cycle, I tend to bleed on the new moon. I know that I need to pay extra attention if this alignment shifts dramatically.

I could write extensively about the menstrual cycle as you can probably tell, how studies have found that women who work in strip bars and at trucking stops get given more tips when they are ovulating, as our bodies secrete pheromones into the air that increase our sexual attractiveness to others, and how our ‘ripeness’ make us feel more attractive and contented within ourselves and therefore more attractive to others. 

I could also write about the impact of fear and ignorance on our menstrual cycles and this siddhi. How women will willingly spend decades of their lives taking synthetic contraceptive pills or using other contraceptive implants that not only reduce their sexual response but can cause long-term health problems (think  migraine, breast cancer, susceptibility to stroke, bone density loss etc.) not to mention compromising natural fertility (many realise too late). As Uma says, “these are all desperate choices born out of fears that there are no other options”.

The point is though, that without awareness of the menstrual cycle we run the risk of dismissing the great siddhi that Tārā has to offer us. Tārā is an inspiration and our guide on the complex path of spiritual freedom. One of her cosmic attributes is to  save us or free us from the different troubles we have to face in life. She doesn’t help us to destroy these obstacles but to sublimate them and successfully overcome them, gaining greater wisdom in the process. 

In other words, Tārā helps us transcend all the inferior and ignoble aspects of our life, helping us to connect with higher aspects of self and live from this elevated perspective. In the process we are not only saved from imminent danger, of lower energies and lives that don’t fit, but she also offers us the possibility of accessing elevated and more aligned levels of spirituality. Furthermore, as the greatest obstacle to overcome is our mind itself, Tārā helps us go beyond the fluctuations and limitations of this, so that we may see ourselves and life more clearly. 

As Uma writes, “Thankfully, many women now are lifting ‘the curse’ and embracing conscious menstrual experience as a route to a spiritual wisdom that liberates feminine experience from the limitations of patriarchal cultural expectations. We can use the practice of womb yoga [or Yoni Yoga!] to address ancestral repetitions of suffering and shame around menstruation, and we can use breath, movement and awareness practice to embrace the flow if the blees, to alleviate the physical and emotional pain and suffering that may be associatedwith our experience of menstruation”. She’s right! There’s no turning back once you begin,  the path, the star, becomes brighter and we transform into more than we could ever imagine!

*If you are curious to learn more, then I highly recommend reading Code Red, by Lisa Lister, Yoni Shakti by Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Dr Christiane Northrup. Also the work of Alexandra Pope and the Red School is valued by others.