Letting go with a burning bowl ceremony.

Today we held the yoga class to let go of 2019, followed by a burning bowl ceremony.

I was introduced to the burning bowl ceremony back in 2005 when I was in the middle of my Reiki training and I was part of a lovely group of Reiki students who met once a week with our teacher, Dr Alyssa Burns-Hill, for meditation and angel cards. I loved this hour, each Thursday evening, 6-7pm, on the way home for work. Not least because we got to sit and meditate together, Ally often leading us through guided meditations, and enjoying angel cards and the insight they provided, but because, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged.

I was relatively new to this world back then, the holistic one, with angels and chakras and crystals, but there was something about the energy of all this, the way it felt then, that just, well, felt right. The people were friendly and welcoming, and despite my naivety, I never felt judged or out of place. We’ve all gone in our own direction since Ally left the Island and I wouldn’t probably recognise many of them now, but I’ve always been extremely grateful for this very light fuelled time of my life.

One of the ladies was an American who has since moved back to America, and it was her who suggested one night that we do a burning bowl ceremony. i don’t remember the ceremony itself, but I do remember feeling a huge sense of relief that there was this opportunity to let go of things. Until that point in my life - I was approximately 29 years old then - I had no idea that we could let go of things that were no longer serving us. Mind you, there was lots I didn’t realise we could do back then, I was only just beginning to recognise that we create our own reality and that our thoughts create this. I was only just awakening.

So the burning bowl ceremony had quite a profound effect on me and I have done one every year since. Often these were with one of my best friend’s Hayley, with whom I spent a number fo new year’s eves. I’ll never forget on new year where we burned our letters in a saucepan and the whole thing was in flames and there as a complete panic that we ere abut to set the house on fire! How we laughed! Clearly we had a lot to let go of that year, but actually we did every year, and I’m never sure that back in those days the cava helped much!

One year, maybe when I was 34 though, my cousin, Yolande, and I were joined by my friend Samata, and we conducted our burning bowl ceremony at the fairy ring here in Guernsey, one wild afternoon when we were all sober! It was a blustery day and it was a challenge, it has to be said, to get the flame going, but Yo got it going and with that up into the air went all the things we wanted to let go of - I have a feeling that smoking was high on my list of priorities back then, to give up that is. That year, 2010 I did. I recognised that sober burning bowl ceremonies were best!

Burning bowl ceremonies are powerful. Potentially. I should caveat that. As I said to students this morning, you have to really feel it. No point writing down that you are going to let go of things that you know that you have no intention of truly letting go of from your life. Or after too much cava so that it becomes more of a wish list with ‘not drinking so much cava’ top of it, ha ha. You have to feel ready, as if there may be some possibility, with a little help from the angels and the universe generally.

Letting go is an interesting concept. I’ve worked a lot with it over the years, and this year I have been working with it a lot. What I’ve noticed is how difficult it is to let go! Even though we might think we want to let go of some childhood trauma, or some hurt that happened to us with maybe an ex-boyfriend, or whatever it may be, when we truly look at it, we realise that we’re holding onto it because on some conscious, some crazy level, we want to be pained! I know it makes no sense when you read that, but think about it. We’re all holding onto something. Some hurt, some pain something that stops us being totally free of suffering. I’ll be surprised if I’m wrong about that.

So what stops us letting go then? I suppose in many respects we form our current reality based on what’s happened to us in then past, so if we let go of some aspect of our past, well then that has the potential to change our current reality, and as much as we might want that, well it can be scary because it’s new and unwritten and we don’t know what it might feel or look like. Better to keep things under control, the way they’ve always been…only that deep down we know that hat isn’t serving us either. It’s a dilemma.

It’s like smoking. What good comes from continuing to smoke? And yet when we’re a smoker, so much of our identity is tied up in being a smoker. What will happen if we want a time out? What about our friends who smoke and our relationship with them if we don’t go fo sneaky fags together? And all that sneaking around? What happens when we just start being a ‘normal’ non-smoking human being, you know one who doesn’t feel crappy for smoking, who isn’t rebelling against parents, society, whatever it might be. Or if we’re smoking the wacky backy, what happens when we stop numbing out!

For so many years I kept smoking mainly because I liked to smoke the wacky backy. It was such a part of my identity and yet I hated smoking generally. But how to give up one and not the other. Impossible. I had to really look at that very honestly and come - in my own slow time - to recognise that while I may have thought I was having these wonderful spiritual experiences smoking cannabis, and somehow becoming more ‘spiritual’ (whatever the hell that means), I was actually just numbing out from life. I was self-medicating, in the same way that some might take anti-depressants or other ‘acceptable’ drugs.

It was difficult to let that go. You know what I mean? Who are we when we let go of whatever we are holding onto?

How about that childhood trauma (we’ve ALL got childhood trauma, it comes with being human), what happens if we just let that go? Gosh all of a sudden we get to take responsibility for our lives and our experience of it. Maybe we finally get to stand on our own two feet. Scary.

That hurt from those who took advantage of our kindness or who rejected us? Gosh, well then we have to accept the fact that actually it was us who put ourselves in that position and it is us, only us, who can really do any self-loving and who do a huge amount of the abandoning. We can’t keep blaming such and such for messing us up (even if he/she did…but we chose he/she in the first place). so all of a sudden we have to stop being the victim. Ouch.

I’ve been through all this. It’s the breath that really made me take note. A full breath in? Receiving all life can give? Am I worthy of that? The exhalation, letting go, truly…am I prepared to do that, who will I become?

I’ve been hauling my past around with me, like a heavy bag hung over my shoulders, weighing me down, making me play out unhelpful behaviour patterns all the time, attracting much of the same (crap) into my life despite the intentions and the affirmations and all the stuff I hope might change things.

You have to be ready. You have to get to a point where you’re done. I’m done. I no longer want to be defined by my past. There is only this moment and this moment can be whatever you want it to be. But for it to be unhindered by the past, tossed around, you need to let it go. It is not you. Just like the thoughts that run through your mind, day in and day out, are not you either. They’re thoughts. Your past is your past. In the past.

All the great spiritual teachers and masters teach one thing. Live in the present. You can’t live in the present when you’re carrying your past around with you, anymore than you can live in the present when you’re obsessed with the future.

But how do you let go? You just do. Like a hot potato. You just let it go. No need to analyse, to question, to write about it (ha!), justify it. None of that. Like forgiveness, you just feel it and you just do it.

A burning bowl ceremony helps enormously. Burn, burn, burn!

Today, lots of beautiful students wrote down the stuff they want to let go of from their lives and this evening E built a fire and burned the notes. I stood and watched, with a sliver of a new moon behind me, the sun having set and creating the most beautiful light on this unusually still and magical winter day, and I thought how wonderful, this letting go. In the flames. Fire to smoke and up into the air, transformed as we too, with our letting go are transformed (and eventually transformed from this body to spirit). Magic.

If there’s one thing I wish for all of you it is to transform, again and again and again, and I’m pretty certain that letting go of our past, of beginning anew and anew and anew is a fairly powerful way of doing this. Live in the present. Set the past down. Aside. Look back at it with LOVE.

That’s the key. My friend, Michelle Johansen reminded me of this recently. Look back at your past for the blessings it gave. That hurt, that betrayal, that trauma, that crappy thing that happened to you, look back with love. Say thank you, feel gratitude, know that helped to make you the most amazing human being that you are, helped you to awaken and heal, to take steps to heal, time and time again. It made you YOU. That’s worth celebrating huh?

So here’s to a new decade, a lighter one too, without that haul of the past weighing us down and continuously limiting our future.

Let go!

This is a most powerful power (in my humble opinion) about letting go, shared by my doula, Anita Davies, which has been really impactful on my life, through birth and beyond…

She Let Go

by Safire Rose

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

Love Emma xxx

Beinspired supporting others to help themselves

Each month, Beinspired donates funds to the Ayurvedic Professionals UK charity work in Sri Lanka via the Ayurvedic Clinic with whom I studied to become an Ayurvedic lifestyle and nutrition practitioner.

I love that through yoga and Reiki we are not only helping ourselves and the planet by positively raising our vibration (and this having a knock on effect on everyone else with whom we interact and the planet as a whole), but that we can help others directly too.

The Ayurvedic project supports children in Sri Lanka, affording their education and helping them to cultivate their own herbal gardens. The herbs that they grow are cultivated and used to help produce the Ayurvedic medicine used, in part, by the clinic (after going through rigorous process), earning cash for the children and their families.

I just received a note from Dr Deepika, who is the founder of the Ayurvedic Clinic and the doctor with whom I initially connected when I discovered Ayurveda back in 2006, and who taught and inspired me on the course last year and thought to share it with you all, so you can read for yourself the good work done by attending class etc:

“I wanted to write to you personally to tell you about the progress of the child you are supporting. I am pleased to say that they are doing so well. They have sent us handwritten thank you letters in English which we are attaching to this email and sending to you by post.

With the support you have given them they are continuing to cultivate their herbal gardens and are able to attend school and continue their education and helping their families in so many ways.

I would personally like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness because I know that this money is going as far as it is possible to go and making a huge difference to their lives. From all of us at the clinic, we want to extend our heartfelt gratitude and best wishes to you and your families. The good Karma that you gain from such acts of humanity will stay with your soul forever. The blessings of these children will go with you always far beyond this life.”

Here’s the letter from the child

Beinspired also supports the Namaste Community Foundation in Pokhara, Nepal. This was initially the Namaste Children’s Home, which supported the housing facilities for about 60 orphaned children of Pokhara, Nepal, and which I visited on my first trip to Nepal in 2007. I found the whole experience deeply moving and was struck by how little support there is for orphaned children by the state, so that if it wasn’t for NGO’s like this children’s home, these children would literally be on the streets (or trafficked to India).

Since the time I visited, new projects were added as it became evident that there was much more to be addressed than just the orphaned children, and the name was changed to the Namaste Community Foundation to reflect this. Its mission now is to help as many children, single women and communities as possible in a sustainable way.

The Foundation helps to secure childhood in giving the children a nice and safe home as well as providing a good education and ensuring a positive perspective for the future (giving them options). It also supports parents in taking care of their own children and provides widowed and abandoned women with the skills and opportunities to work for their own livelihood and for the education of their children.

I know people say that charity should begin at home, but I think that when you visit these communities, you realise how much we are supported in the West by the state as much as by those charities within our own communities. In Nepal there is no state help, you are really on your own, it is one of the top ten poorest countries in the world and if it wasn’t for outside help then I dread to think what would happen to the people.

The culture is different too, and for women life can be hard. For example, if a woman is widowed or abandoned, through no fault of her own, then she if often stigmatised and it is very difficult for her to support herself, especially with young children as there is absolutely no state funding. She is literally on her own with the children unless she is lucky enough to have extended family who can help support her.

If not, then she is on the streets, and sometimes women will give their children away because they cannot look after them. Of course these children are easy prey for traffickers, and the children may end up in India - the statistics of the number of Nepali children that are trafficked to India each year is shocking and depressing - how can it be that fellow human beings create so much pain by promoting and buying into the sex trafficking industry?

So for me it is a no brainer to try to do what I can to help the Namaste Children’s Foundation and I am hearted to see the support they have received from others over the years - in fact Angelina Jolie provided them with their initial capital to get going, and they have since been supported by Joanna Lumley, although I only realised this recently.

We are headed out to Nepal in March, the first time in 9 years, it’s been a long time waiting and I am so excited about showing the boys this lovely country, a dream come true, and am intending to visit the Foundation and see first hand the good work that they are doing. Here’s a link to their website in case you feel like learning more or supporting them, they do take volunteers incidentally - https://www.ncf-nepal.org/about-us/

What i love about both these projects is the fact that they are helping people to help themselves, by empowering them and providing them with skills to work and earn money, and of course education too. It’s so easy to take this all so for granted here in Guernsey where we have free access to good education and people to help support us in securing jobs and a state to support us if we are not able to manage this.

So thank you, all of you, for the support you give to me, so that I can support these charities and the children who benefit directly. It is my wish that I can continue to support them in years to come and increase the level of funding too.

Love Emma xxx

The climate and separation urghhhhhhhhhhh!

Hi, I can’t believe how much the climate debate is creating so much fear and separation. Suddenly you’re a really bad person if you take a flight at the moment, especially if you’re a Guernsey deputy going for a day trip to discuss climate change! It would be funny if it wasn't so crazy!

The world is crazy at the moment though. Usually I’m all up for craziness, but this is a dark craziness, and as much as I like to stay positive and trust that the light follows the dark, I wonder how much darker we have to get first (but maybe this is all OK as it’ll bring in a while heap of light, let’s hope so).

It just seems so crazy to be judging each other for our actions in this moment when it’s actions of old that have created our current reality, and really, we are all as much to blame as each other, if we’re going to play this blame game. We each continue to contribute in some way or form to the planet being in the state it is in, whether it’s been about our choices for travel, for food, for clothes or the thoughts we think and the words that come out of our mouth.

All that is happening, as a result of the mass fear and hysteria, stirred up by the media as usual, is to create greater separation. The planet does not need separation. Humanity does not need separation. I’m sitting here listening to Coldplay’s latest album (which is genius btw, I applaud them for their recognition of the oneness that is so needed and so lacking at the moment in these confusing and chaotic times) and these lyrics catch me…

“What in the world are we going to do?
Look at what everybody's going through
What kind of world do you want it to be?
Am I the future or the history?

'Cause everyone hurts, everyone cries
Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies
Everyone falls, everybody dreams and doubts
Got to keep dancing when the lights go out

How in the world I am going to see?
You as my brother, not my enemy”

I suspect we’ve all had those moments, those glimpses, whether the birth of a child or the death of a loved one, when time stands still, life tis timeless and all that exists is love and an overwhelming sense oneness. Just the briefest of glimpses into the very heart of the universe, where nothing else matters and there is an overwhelming sense of everything being OK, the ultimate surrender to all that is, and then as soon as it happens, it’s over and the clock ticks and here we are again, in the 3-D world full of fear and limitation.

But we know this, deep down, we know this. What I loved so much about Coldplay’s recent album is the fact they shared this most beautiful Persian poem, that I read on the internet was written by Saadi Shirazi (but don’t quote me on that!) and here it is (if I can get it to upload…) 

We knew all this so long ago and look at us now, where has progress taken us…pretty far away from the Divine and the heart that’s for sure.

Even in the ‘heart’ holistic world, I see separation and judgement as people argue over crazy things like whether green tea is good for you, and the impact of eating a plant-based diet versus a meat one. let alone whether this form of yoga is better for you than that one. Who cares! The trouble is the holistic world has become big business and where there’s business there’s competition and there’s generally a fairly big amount of ego too.

I always think of David Attenborough and his life lesson he gave which went something along the lines of while they should live the way they wanted, the trick was “just don’t waste”.

That does it for me. Slightly challenging with a 3-year old who loves to waste everything, soap, shampoo, cleaner, whatever it is and he can get his hands on - he even cut through the cord of our blinds the other day too, so they now don’t work, wasted, but you know, we do our best! We’re not perfect, but no one is, that’s the thing that’s so crazy about this whole climatic change shaming thing.

There’s another element to David’s perspective that struck me. It was something I was taught by one of my mentor’s – live your truth and don’t worry what everyone else is doing…if green tea makes you feel good drink it, if not, don’t, who cares what anyone else thinks on the matter, we’re all different and we all have our own different experiences and perspectives.

So there we go. Aside from wanting to share how marvellous I think Coldplay’s new album is (I have track 3 on repeat,), I just wanted to vent a little about how crazy we have become to judge each other on our climatic short comings (and holistic offerings) to share the love. Love, love, love, love, love. We should shower ourselves in rose quartz. Oh yes, I did! Rose quartz, love, love, Rose quartz, and a sprinkling of Reiki. Let’s create a new craziness that is based on a whole heap of love. From me to you. Love xxx

The November Herm Retreat!

I’m biased of course, if I didn’t love running retreats and spending weekends in lovely spots, then I wouldn’t run them. But, I have to say that that was another wonderful retreat we just held on the beautiful island of Herm!

I wasn’t sure how it would work out, as we are running it much later than usual, due to changes on Herm and them opening the white House Hotel much later than normal, into October. Typically the weekend coincided with the first Christmas shopping trip to Herm too, so I was imagining the Island packed with other people, which is not perhaps ideal when we have been running these retreats out of season for 10 years now, to make the most of the out-of-season-lack-of-other-people-on-Herm experience.

There was also concern about the weather, the closer we get to the darkness of winter, the higher the winds, in theory anyway, albeit there’s no guarantee for October either. So it was a relief to see that while higher winds were forecast, the boat was still able to travel in this.

It was a touch on the rough side though, and I can’t say I’m a fan of boat journeys when its quite so rough, but this seems to be a theme for the retreats to Herm and Sark, so I’m getting used to it now! It’s almost like that obstacle on the spiritual path. If you can pass the boat journey all will be well!

On Herm all was well, warm and cosy and ideal for retreating ahead of the new moon, as we were settling almost into the dark moon (which naturally asks us to turn inwards and see what might be lurking in the darkness). I hadn’t booked the retreat with an awareness of the moon cycle, but I have no doubt that it was well timed, and it definitely does affect the energy of a retreat.

i’ve had a few full moon retreats these last few years, it’s not forget that famous retreat on Herm three years ago when my water’s broke seven weeks early. There was a full moon on both the Glastonbury retreats this year too, and the first one, back in May. was particularly potent and there was many a tear and challenge for each of us in our own ways.

So for me anyway, this pre-new moon, on the cusp of the dark moon timing was interesting, beautiful and ideal really. It’s been a challenging year for so many of us, and it was a relief to be able to experience a gentleness for a change. I really felt this collectively.

It’s the first time on Herm at least that everyone has attended the first three classes, so there was a real sense of group energy. Understandably a few stayed in bed on the Sunday morning with our early 7.30am pranayama and meditation session, before asana and relaxation. About 14 of us met for the swim on the Saturday afternoon, but a number of others had swum on their own, so there was that energy too, of being connected to the sea, to nature and to the elements. A record number attended the chanting session with me too.

For me this was the most special part of the weekend. I love collective chanting of devotional mantra (Bhakti yoga), and have always found it deeply nourishing, enlightening and heart opening, my soul loves it! Tp have the opportunity to sing with other ladies who are open to it was a joy. I also love Vedic chanting, and am still studying this, so am not really in position to teach it as such, but we did explore AUM, and this was beautiful. We shared crystals and Reiki too, and it touched me that we unintentionally ended up sitting in a heart shape as a group! I should have taken a photo!

The sun shone when it wasn’t expected to, and I credit all the sun salutations! I made the most of it with Vicki and the family to go and see the Herm cows and get some fresh air. The shop was open so we got to peek in there too. It wasn’t as busy as we had expected and I still felt that I was getting away from it all!

Because of the shopping trips and the Mermaid being busy, we took our breakfasts and Saturday lunch in the Ship. This did work well, and I’m grateful to the hotel staff who are probably meant to be on holiday, who came in to serve and make it all happen for us. The evening meals were taken in the Mermaid as normal and I am grateful to the staff here too and especially the chef who had to juggle a number of food insensitivities and still managed to produce tasty vegan, gluten-free, soya-free and nightshade-free food - thank you!

I managed an early morning dip (I stress the word dip) on the Sunday early morning in the darkness, down at the beach in front of the hotel, slightly concerned that I might meet the Herm seal, and just thought how wonderful to have this opportunity. To be able to stay in the White House hotel and enjoy those views of the East coast of Guernsey, and spend my weekend with such lovely souls.

I’m grateful to Sarah Thackeray, Sam Le Compte and Jo de Diepold Braham for offering magical treatments and Athene Sholl for her jewellery making. I’m also grateful to Vicki Eppelein for helping me during the classes, and my Mum for making sure there were yummy snacks available and that all was well. Ewan and my Dad did a marvellous job of looking after the boys too, they love all this retreating, especially with Baba in tow!

A huge thank you to all the beautiful students who joined me this weekend, for their openness and going with the flow attitude - I found the weekend nourishing and transformative (some interesting dreams and processing) and I hope they might have returned touched by the magic of retreating on Herm too.

While I thought this might be my last Herm retreat on a count of the fact I don’t want to hold another one in November (I miss the October morning and evening skies), it seems that I might be able to get a date in October 2020…so I’m just waiting on that!

Lots of love and gratitude.

Running a retreat in India with the family in tow!

The Goa retreat may have brought with it some challenges, but it was an amazing retreat nonetheless and I know that I am not the only Goan adventurer who is feeling a pang for the nourishing energy of Satsanga Retreat Centre and the warmth of Goa.

One of the Yoga Sutras talks about the obstacles that one may experience on the spiritual path, and while these may include such inflictions as disease and laziness, we were all tested in our own way with obstacles on the path to India and the potential spiritual growth that lay ahead.

Sri Swami Satchidananda writes “…Yoga practice is like an obstacle race; many obstructions are purposely put in the way for us to pass through. They are there to make us understand and express our capacitates. We all have that strength, but we don’t seem to know it. We seem to need to be challenged and tested in order to understand our own capacities. In fact, this is natural law. If a river just flows easily, the water in the river does no express its power. But once you put an obstacle to the flow by constructing a dam, then you can see its strength in the form of tremendous electrical power”.

It seemed that many of us needed to demonstrate our strength to overcome the obstacles placed in our path! For example, there were a number of us challenged in the preparations for the retreat as the Indian authorities, in their infinite wisdom, have made it increasingly difficult for Channel Island residents to obtain a tourist visa. No longer can we obtain a simple and cheaper online e-visa, instead we have to apply by post, at increased cost and hassle. 

I admit that I found the whole visa thing an incredibly stressful experience, mainly because I had to complete the process four times, for each family member, and had to pay for it four times too, £140 each! This, may I add, after trying to obtain an e-visa (because I didn’t at that point know that we could no longer obtain e-visas, the system only changed in the spring) and losing £80 on that pointless application. 

Then there were the flights, as Jet Airways with whom we originally booked our outbound flights went bankrupt. I was keen to take night flights, thinking that this may minimise the challenge of travelling with young children, so this did limit the options available to us. Furthermore, as Dabolim airport in Goa is a military airport, international flights are only able to arrive during the night, so this adds another consideration.

Then, about two weeks before we were due to travel, Air India cancelled our flight out of Goa and onto Mumbai for our connecting flight home. By then I’d learned little of the lesson, that one clearly has to go with the flow, and try not to get stressed about things that are completely beyond our control. For us it just meant a night in Mumbai, and in many respects (and as it turned out), this was a positive and welcomed experience.

So all of this before we’d even left Guernsey! Still, it was all character building and there were definitely a few of us learning the lessons before we’d even got going. It’s like one of my friend’s, Alice, said, “don’t fight India, or India will fight you back”.  So true!

The four of us, me, E and the two children, left Guernsey on time and arrived into Gatwick in time, from there a train ride to Victoria and a bus ride up to Paddington by where we had arranged a day-use hotel from which to base ourselves ahead of our flight that evening. We thought we were terribly well organised, getting a hotel here, not only because we had to meet someone to take possession of a large pink suitcase containing taps, which we were taking with us to our friend Emma in Goa (don’t ask, long story that always makes me chuckle!), but also because it was close to the Heathrow Express. 

Taps in our possession and the children starting to tire at the end of the day (having fitted in a walk to the Princess Diana Memorial playground in Hyde Park for the children to play), we made our way towards the Heathrow Express platform at Paddington Station, Ewan having already bought the tickets earlier in the day (super organised see), only to find that all Heathrow Express trains had been cancelled. Arghh! So it was to follow, an expensive taxi ride for us instead. I should have known then that this was setting the scene for the journey ahead, but nonetheless it was clearly a process that we had to go through, for whatever reason, character building I suppose.

Heathrow was manic. I had forgotten how manic it can get. You need more than three hours these days to get through the whole check-in, security, obtaining-water for the flight etc. process, especially with children in tow. We thought we had ample time, I’d even checked out where we might find the children’s play area, but due to the chaos of Air India check-in, we ended up running past the children’s play area, because by then our gate was closing. As is always the case though, there was plenty of time once we had boarded the plane to sit around and wait, wishing that we had not rushed so much to get to the flight in the first place! Another lesson learned!

The flight from Heathrow to Delhi went without drama, but then we were delayed in Delhi for a good few hours, to the extent that we missed our connecting flight from Mumbai to Goa, so had to sit around Mumbai airport for a good few hours too; always a joy with children! The luggage went missing for a time too upon arrival into Mumbai. I couldn’t help thinking how typical it was, that our bags should go missing when we were in possession of the taps, which Emma was desperate to have so that she could finally get running water in her new kitchen.

This was most definitely a lesson in non-attachment, and I concluded that the only thing I was slightly sad about losing was my Tibetan singing bowl and my Yoga file, plus the crystals that I had brought with me as gifts for the retreat attendees. The rest of the stuff was just stuff that could be replaced, we’d managed to travel light with only 36 kilos between us all, which was much less than the 100 kilos we had available to us, and I wasn’t attached to it. “So what?”, I finally thought. 

As I reached this conclusion, by then at some early hour in the morning at Mumbai airport, me chasing our giggling boys around the arrivals hall (much to the delight of the elderly Indian ladies sitting and watching us), Ewan confirmed that our bags had been located, we just needed to wait for them to be delivered. More entertaining of children under the bemused and amused eyes of the Indian women who were desperate to get a hold of Eben and give him a squeeze.

This we encountered frequently, lovely Indian ladies of all ages, desperate to pick up Eben and have their photo taken with him, and with Elijah too if he’s indulge their requests, which he did eventually, disinterested as he was to all the attention. The main comment was about the length of the boys’ hair and how they look more like girls. “Yes, we know”, we were frequently saying, “but it’s less unusual back at home where we live”, although when I think about it, we don’t know many boys with long hair here either!

Finally, we arrived into Goa during the middle of the night/early morning, as we had been keen to avoid, and I did wonder at the ludicrous nature of our route to Goa all in the quest to avoid this exact outcome. We arrived into rain too, heavy rain, most unusual, the monsoon was meant to have finished.

The next day, it was still raining. Heavy rain. Not that this stopped us from having fun. It was wonderful to see our friends, Emma and Olaf, the owners of the retreat centre, and their beautiful boys Lomax (5) and Leo (2), plus all the beautiful staff who work at the centre and live in the local village. Our boys were grateful to have playmates and books and toys on hand, and there followed much playing and swinging from the indoor swing and interaction with the resident animals.

This was yet another challenge for us, when it came to the children at least, because Eben (who had turned 3 the day before we travelled) loves dogs but has no awareness of the fact that some dogs are kinder and more child-friendly than others. By the end of the trip he finally recognised this, but initially he was trying to hug and kiss all three of the dogs and one of them, Simba, was not so sure about this, and I’m not sure Shanti was that taken either! Prana, the friendliest sandy coloured dog, became the firm favourite and Eben was frequently found trying to pick him up or lie on him, or generally bother him. 

Seeing Goa through a child’s eyes was interesting, especially from the animal side of things. There was the novelty of the frogs and the lizards in our room, and then seeing cows in the roads, and the packs of dogs who frequented some of the beaches. Our first afternoon on the beach at Vagator, for example, during a brief break in the rain, a couple of dogs followed us to our spot in the shade, and were hanging around on account of the fact that the children were eating biscuits. Eben was desperate to interact with the dogs, but these are stray dogs, and it was certainly a challenge trying to educate him that these dogs are not like the dogs on the beaches at home who have owners and who are often on leads.

Those first few days, the rain continued to fall relentlessly from the grey-laden sky and soon the winds whipped up – there was a cyclone sitting offshore that wasn’t moving, just our luck! If ever there was the lesson in letting go of attachment to outcome and going with the flow then this was it. I have been working with both this year, as part of boundary work (the theme of the year it seems, not only for me but for others too as it is in the “field’) and letting go of the need to control outcomes, be that taking responsibility for other people’s experience or trying to force things to happen.  If there’s one thing I absolutely cannot control, however, it is the weather!

I’ll admit that this awareness didn’t stop me fretting! The thought of 19 lovely students travelling all the way to Goa and being met with relentless rain was not ideal. There followed a sleepless night the evening before the retreat began, as I listened to the relentless rain falling heavily, knowing that some of the ladies were arriving during this time, and some with wonderful open-top bathrooms – no need for a shower with that rain, they just needed to stand in their bathrooms with the heaven’s pouring down upon them! 

Fortunately, by the Saturday morning and the arrival of the last remaining guests, the rain had eased and while the forecast had suggested rain all week, we were happy to go with our taxi driver’s prediction that the cyclone was moving away and sunnier weather was ahead. He was right! By the time the retreat began later that afternoon, the sun had reappeared and life looked decidedly brighter.

As for the retreat itself; if there is one thing I love more than anything else (bar the family and writing) is teaching yoga, and especially teaching yoga in the Shiva Shala at Satsanga, which for many years was a dream. I felt enormous gratitude to the students who had travelled so far to help to make this dream a reality, and I had to catch myself at times, because as a teacher who teaches most of these students regularly at home, it was a blessing to have the time and the space within which to help them explore and deepen their practice and for me to share what I have learned with them in more ways than I can at home. 

This was my third trip to Satsanga and it was as beautiful as ever. It’s difficult to explain the attention to detail and the nurturing energy until you have experienced it for yourself, from the friendly smiles, to the flowers that were carefully and lovingly placed around the centre, to the men who cleared leaves from the pool, swept the paths, and made sure we felt safe with 24-hour security watch, to the women who cleaned, cooked and washed for us. Nothing was too much trouble, and no one ever imposed on your space. 

The food was a definite highlight and I am grateful to the local women who lovingly prepared this for us – no one was sick and all dietary requirements were catered for, including one of the ladies who had a severe nut allergy and various other dietary restrictions. For her, it was a real treat, because the majority of the dishes she was able to eat, and for once she didn’t feel as if she needed to be treated differently.  

The centre is strictly vegetarian although the majority of the dishes were vegan to allow for the various dietary requirements. This was the most amazingly tasty and nourishing home-cooked vegan food I have ever had the fortune to taste, and I am missing it very much now I am back home. It was served buffet-style so that you could help yourself and help myself I did!

Breakfast composed of a variety of cut tropical fruits, plus soaked chia seeds and a quinoa-puff cereal. There was also a choice of breads, porridge and another warm option, maybe a local savoury dish or pancakes, it always smelled yummy but I never managed more than just the fruit. 

We were often away from the centre for lunch, heading straight to the beach after breakfast, to get the children off-site and give the guests some quiet space, but also because we rather enjoyed travelling up north and exploring the beaches, playing in the sea and drinking chai!

I am assured that lunch was yummy, and certainly if it was anything like the evening meals then this is true. There was always so much choice and so many different flavours, and a real range of vegetables too.  There was a mix of rice, noodles, chapatti and dosa. It makes me miss it, just writing about it, and I’m not usually a foodie!

As for the yoga, this took place twice daily (apart from Wednesday when we took a break in the afternoon) in the stunning wooden-floored Shiva Shala, so called because it features an amazing bronze statue of Nataraja (the dancing Shiva) so that you cannot help but welcome Shiva into your life come what may – he being the destroyer of the trinity, including Brahma, the creator, and Vishnu, the preserver. 

We embraced mouna in the morning, and therefore arrived to class in silence, able to enjoy the morning sounds of the birds and insect life outside! Here we practiced some breathing exercises together before sitting in silence, building up a minute a day so that by the end of the retreat we were sitting for 11 minutes in silent meditation. This may not sound very much for seasoned meditation practitioners, but was a real achievement for those who had not sat for any length of time previously.

The rest of the morning class was active in nature, and everyone rose to the challenge. Not once was there any moaning about the heat, or about the fans being on too much or not enough, these practitioners just got on with it! it was a delight for me to have a whole cupboard of props available to use during the classes (mine are sadly all packed away in storage awaiting the moment I finally have my own yoga space!) so that we were supported where needed and were able to explore our practice. 

It was also a joy to have wall space available to us too. Much of my training was undertaken using walls and it really does add another dimension to practice and testing limitations (often of the mind, more than the body!). The walls helped many of the students to access inversions and backbends in a way that they might not have been able to otherwise. Furthermore, we were able to consider alignment principles, and experience postures in a different way – even on our yoga mats we get stuck in ruts and in habits so it is good to challenge these and maybe shift our perspective on life generally. 

The afternoon class was softer in nature and we often chanted together, learning the Om asatoma mantra (sometimes known as the peace mantra), but also singing devotional mantra and exploring ‘Om” as well as chanting the Bija mantra regularly. There was gentle movement, some yoni yoga (embraced by our male participant too), restorative yoga and daily yoga nidra too.

I invited Chiara one evening, an Italian singer of the Dhrupad tradition, who sang to us on the last retreat; she is fab! Dhrupad is a form of music to bring the mind to a peaceful and meditative state. It is an ancient science of sound and music that aims to develop human consciousness and its corresponding nervous system. An original form of Indian classical music, it has retained its pure form to date – it’s ancient, beautiful and powerful and I was certainly moved by the experience and felt a moment of heart opening and momentary expansion. 

I also arranged a singing workshop another evening with a lady called Natalie, also a Reiki Master, who has lived in Goa for many years and uses the voice for healing. I was joined by 9 other lovely ladies and together we found our voices and managed to create a beautiful sound together. I was proud of us for embracing the fear and joining together and supporting my efforts in arranging this. 

On our penultimate night I arranged a sound bath, which was unfortunately not as enjoyable as I had hoped. Simply because by then we had created a rather special group energy and it was a lesson for me in bringing someone else in to manage this, who was not part of the group energy. This meant that her resonance did not resonate with us as a group per se, and therefore it was not as restful an experience, or indeed as much of an expanded experience as I and others on the retreat know that sound baths can be (we’ve been spoilt in Guernsey!). We live and learn!

But really, this didn’t matter. The fact the group energy was so strong and had taken on so much of its own energy was testament to the positive attitude of all the students and their willingness and openness to embrace each other and all these new experiences. For me it was a joy to witness friendships formed, and everyone getting on with it, with non of the drama that can sometimes accompany these retreats, with different personalities and needs.

It was also a joy to see so many embracing what they could of Goa in their down time. While we as a family may have limited our excursions to exploring the beaches, with only a short trip to the weekly famed Anjuna market, others ventured further afield. There were visits to temples and to the Spice Farm, to Mapsa, the main centre of the area, to local eateries and villages, and even a sunset-viewing drink from one of the beach bars. 

There was also a lot of lying around and chatting beside the pool, and of course swimming - Elijah finally learned to swim properly on this trip! I took great delight in swimming in the evenings once the children had gone to bed, and I was joined by a few other ladies on a couple of the nights. On the last retreat we had managed a full moon swim, but this retreat coincided with the new moon, so there were star-swims instead!

The retreat was, without doubt, an unforgettable experience, that allowed all of us to get away from it all and dive deeply into our yoga and spiritual practice. You can’t help but be spiritually nourished and expanded, practicing in that beautiful Shiva Shala with all the energy of years of yoga practice and meditation that has taken place in that space under the watchful eye of Shiva. There is also no doubt that staying at Satsanga leaves you feeling nourished and nurtured and with a renewed sense of wellbeing that continued after the retreat finished.  

Not to say that India wasn’t still challenging us as she does. We left the retreat centre at 7pm the same day that the retreat finished, for our 11.35pm flight up to Mumbai. To say we were tired might be an understatement, given that I had taught about 22 hours of yoga, and Ewan had looked after the children during this time, all the while tested by our 3-year old testing boundaries. Twice he managed to run away from Ewan and turned up in the Yoga Shala while I was teaching! Nothing like teaching tree pose with a small child in arms!! 

So we could have done without the delay to our flight that meant sitting around the airport with the children until well after midnight. The highlight was the fact we attracted a number of Indian children who were keen to play games with the boys, their ability to speak English was just amazing and here they were some of them only 6 years old. 

By the time we made it to our hotel in Mumbai it was 3.35am. Not quite what you have in mind when you have finished a retreat, and needless to say body clocks being body clocks we were all up by 7am! Still the hotel was a treat, and we are grateful to our travel agent, Lisa, for having taken pity on us with all the flight changes we had encountered which meant we needed to stay a night in Mumbai; and we were treated to pure luxury and we relished every moment of it!

We enjoyed our limited time in the city too, taking a tuk tuk (at Elijah’s request) to see some of the boats and the beaches, passing shanty towns and the luxury buildings that lies side-by-side. Our tuk tuk driver, appreciating we had limited time, stopped enroute at a building crowded by Indian tourists. We had no idea what it was but took an obligatory photo anyhow, thinking maybe it was a famous temple, but when I later googled it, I discovered it was the home of a famous Bollywood actor! This is certainly a city that deserves more time and more exploring. 

We chanced upon a café near to our hotel that served the most wonderful India chai. This felt like a gift from India before the long journey back home. The caffeine was also much needed, because after only 3.5 hours sleep post-retreat, we had to keep going until our 10pm flight that evening. We had learnt by then the need to get to the airport really early, and this certainly made the whole experience less stressful – I even managed a final Thali. 

The flights home were uneventful fortunately. Admittedly it would have been a joy to take a direct flight back to the UK, rather than a short hop to Dubai and a wait there, before the longer leg, at 1.30am back to the UK. The boys slept on the short hop and then in pushchairs throughout Dubai, but Ewan and I had to keep going. I think we managed 3 hours of broken sleep on that journey. 

I admit that while we are experts in sleep deprivation having had two boys who still, 6 years on, don’t sleep through the night without waking us at least once, the 6.5 hours of broken sleep split over two nights, following the end of an intensive week-long retreat, was a whole other level of sleep deprivation, that I don’t want to experience again if I can avoid it! We are only now beginning, slowly, slowly, to feel more human, especially now the children have stopped waking at 5am!

Sleep deprivation aside, it was a wonderful retreat and I miss Satsanga and our friends dearly. India was as wonderful as ever, and the challenges perhaps necessary for us to learn the lessons she was trying to teach us. Namely, go with the flow, non-attachment to outcome and running retreats in India with the family in tow is a sure sign of madness!!

In all seriousness, though, I did question whether this was some form of self-harm that I had set-up for myself – teaching a retreat in India with two small children on site and enduring all that travel. It’s something I am still pondering, because these patterns do have a way of playing out in our lives, even though we may try and convince ourselves that it is character building and all in the quest for love and light.

Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed all of it, and would love to teach at Satsanga again, but all the challenges did get my attention! Perhaps I was also, on some level, testing out the superwoman role. This is being tested for many of us women at the moment – do we want to be superwomen? No, I can honestly say I don’t. It’s an old paradigm, that we women need to move on from now.

How? I don’t know. But in our quest to ‘rise, sister, rise’ I do feel that we’ve got ourselves trapped even more into the ‘being of all things’ with this pressure we’ve put on ourselves to run a household and run a business, like it’s a badge of honour now, the latter, rather than the former. I don’t get off on the ‘running the business’ thing anyway, because what is that all about anyway, who cares?! Just do what you love and love what you do.

Which is my problem. Because I do what I love and love what I do, and somehow that takes me on crazy adventures to India! Thank you Shiva for calling me back, and thank you to our most beautiful friends Emma and Olaf for making it as easy as possible when we were there. Thank you also, to you most wonderful yoga students who joined me, I really miss you all and look forward to seeing you at class soon!

*Many more photos can be found on the Beinspired Facebook pages.

Jill's Walnut Pesto

Ingredients

Good handful of basil leaves (or rocket)
1/2 cup of walnuts
Glug of olive oil
1/2 cup finely grated Manchego cheese (it’s a hard sheep’s cheese)
1 clove garlic (if using)
Salt and ground black pepper

I use my mini mixer to make it, but you have to pack the basil down and whizz it a couple of times. The olive oil ‘loosens’ the mix. I guess it’s probably 1 to 2 tablespoons. Start with less and add if necessary.

Dark Night of the Soul

I can’t help noticing that this is a big year for many people. Like 2003 and 2008, there is significant change and the turmoil that comes with this.

It feels to me that with all these eclipses we are in a washing machine spinning around and around. I can’t be sure when the washing cycle is going to end but I do know that we have an annular solar eclipse** on 26 December, followed by a penumbral lunar eclipse*** on 10 January 2020 so perhaps things might settle then.

This, after a year that found us experiencing a partial lunar eclipse* on 6 January 2019 followed by a total lunar eclipse* on 21 January 2019, and then a total solar eclipse on 2 July 2019 followed by a partial lunar eclipse on 16 July 2019. 

I’m certainly no expert on the effect of these things, I can only share from my own experience but I have to admit that life has been a touch challenging this year and while I like to blame the moon, I’m going to blame all these eclipses too!

There was the Ayurvedic and Sanskrit studying and then discovering the Scaravelli-approach to yoga, which turned everything on it’s head, this before July. My Ayurvedic exams took place a few days after the July partial eclipse and this was followed by a virus that left me sick and feeling very sorry for myself all summer. 

I finally recovered from the virus in time for our retreat in Glastonbury on the full moon in mid-September, and I felt so much better for this, but it was short lived. In came the super new moon on 28 September 2019 and things felt decidedly sticky again with more illness and more disorientation. 

For others too, there is a sense of being shaken, as if we are being collectively shaken awake (this is exactly what is happening!) and with it there has been illness, bereavements, life-changing diagnoses, relationship break-ups, and/or job changes, and some of these changes happening suddenly, pulling the rug from under our feet, leaving us feeling confused and ungrounded.  

To me it feels like we’re going through a collective dark night of the soul. This is when life feels desperately uncomfortable, with a sense of despair and sometimes a total disinterest in living or in life itself – the darkness descends. Sometimes this feeling may only last a matter of hours, and other times it can last for days on end, and we might wonder if we will ever see the light ever again. 

Life doesn’t fit. Nothing feels right. There is a complete lack of clarity about how life may unfold and a panic that it might stay life this forever more. Life is full of uncertainty, and yet the uncertainty becomes more pronounced, and this brings with it a feeling of disorientation and not having a clue which way is up, or how life might look, or even who you are anymore as who you thought you were starts to dissolve and yet you’re still living the life of the person dissolving. 

There are tears, lots of tears and some anger, frustration, irritation, rage and an overwhelming sense of tiredness and exhaustion. Chaos reigns, we feel helpless and very alone, cast adrift without a map or a paddle to find our way home. And even if we know deep down that we just have to keep going, that it is just a process with a potentially positive outcome, it’s still extremely challenging!

I take some comfort in Simon Haas’ words, “A dark night of the soul is a period of purification and transformation. Like the process of refining gold or making ghee, parts of us that have remained concealed from others, and even from ourselves, rise to the surface during a dark night experience. During a dark night, we may become increasingly irritable, angry, impatient or resentful. We may fall into guilt, self-pity and even self-loathing. This is often our experience to the suffering we’re experiencing. We may even feel hatred towards those who we believe have contributed to our crisis”.

I don’t know about you, but I can relate to all of this! It’s both embarrassing and humbling! I am a cliché!

He continues, “We all have a dark side, an “ungodly” side, which only those closest to us may know. Sometimes the dissolution of our world can reveal things about us that surprise even ourselves. We suffer the death of who we thought we were, whilst encountering those parts of us we have kept hidden – qualities, behaviours and motivations that may be difficult for us to acknowledge. In a dark night, we come face to face with what we can no longer hide.

Some for instance, become aware of how much anger that carry. Others must face the unbearable truth that ultimately, they don’t really care about others. These inner revelations can be difficult to acknowledge or bear…[there is] a strong impulse to retreat from life. This impulse is partly the result of acute suffering and partly due to a loss of personal direction, leading to paralysis. When the ego is being destroyed, there is often intense angst and a strong desire to disengage from life. It can extinguish even the desire to remain alive…when our inner world collapses, we’re entirely powerless, like a shell tossed about in the waves of the ocean. It’s an inner helplessness.”

Sadly, I can’t offer you much advice in what you might do if you’re stuck in a dark night of the soul. It’s a process that we have to work our way through in our own way. Personally, I take comfort in getting out in nature, walking the cliffs and sea swimming, spending time alone (when I can) in silence, practicing yoga, repeating the Bija mantra, daily Yoga Nidra (grounded one’s mind), rose quartz, lots of rose quartz, and playing with the children, running around the beach, getting some fresh air together. Sleep helps enormously too, slightly tricky if you have children who don’t value sleep so much though!

 I am very well aware that as uncomfortable as it all is, it is part of the bigger picture and if I can remember this (and not get caught up in the intense emotions) then I feel some comfort in knowing it’s not just me! In fact, it’s the “me” that’s the problem, because essentially what is happening is part of “me”, is dissolving and the ego isn’t particularly happy about this, but it is necessary, because it leaves more space for the heart and the light to come in, instead.

This is all about the heart, it can only ever be about the heart. Love not fear. And as much as everyone says they love unconditionally, it is actually really difficult. There is huge vulnerability in truly loving, without conditions, of putting our hearts on a line and opening ourselves up for being hurt, betrayed or disappointed. Yet we are being asked to step more fully into the heart and out of the small mind. The situations in our life will ask us to step more fully into the heart.

 It is in this way that we may positively impact on the state of the planet. Where there is love, there is fear, and we see this clearly now with the fear being created by the media about the state of Mother Earth and the climatic disaster awaiting us. The fear will not create the change that is needed though, the only way things will change, at least positively and in the long term, is if we keep embracing love, and overcoming the fear (not ignoring it or turning away from it, but acknowledging it).

It feels to me that the whole universe is being upgraded, if only we can step up into it. We are experiencing perhaps a collective dark night of the soul, Mother Earth too. Only that Mother Earth will always be OK, she knows how to look after herself, it’s us, us humans, who will ultimately suffer. Which is why it is our duty to keep stepping into the love, not to just talk about it, but to embody it, to find it within ourselves to weed out anything which stops us from truly loving and truly living.

We are asked to turn towards those who have hurt us or harmed us or who just irritate us, with love.  We are being asked to be clear about our boundaries and what is acceptable in our life – we are being asked to love ourselves too, to keep stepping into the heart. Love conquers all. It is love that underpins absolutely everything (another reason to bring Reiki into your life, the energy of love!).

 I’ll leave you with this marvellous quote from Jack Kornfield in his marvellous book, “A Path with Heart”, which sums it all up rather nicely for me and reminds me of the spiritual and heart in all life:

“Whether in a monastery, in our place of business, or in our family life, we need to listen to what each cycle requires for our heart’s development and accept its spiritual tasks. The natural cycles of growth – developing right livelihood, moving to a new home, the birth of a child, entering a spiritual community – all bring spiritual tasks that require our heart to grow in commitment, fearlessness, patience, and attention. The cycles of endings – our children leaving home, the aging and death of our parents, loss in business, leaving a marriage or community – bring our heart to the spiritual tasks of grieving, of letting go gracefully, of releasing control, of finding equanimity and openhearted compassion in the face of loss.

Occasionally we get to choose the cycles we work with, such as choosing to get married or beginning a career. At these times it is helpful to meditate, to reflect on which direction will bring us closer to our path with heart, which will offer the spiritual lesson that it is time for in our life.

More often we don’t get to choose. The great cycles of our life wash over us, presenting us with challenges and difficult rites of passage much bigger than our ideas of where we are going. Midlife crisis, threats of divorce, personal illness, sickness of our children, money problems, or just running yet again into our own insecurity or unfulfilled ambition can seem like difficult yet mundane parts of life to get over with so we can become peaceful and do our spiritual practice. But when we bring to them attention and respect, each of those tasks has a spiritual lesson in them. It may be a lesson of staying centred through great confusion, on a lesson of forbearance, developing a forgiving heart with someone who has caused us pain. It may be a lesson of acceptance or a lesson of courage, finding the strength of heart to stand our ground and live from our deepest values”. 

*A solar eclipse happens when the moon moves between the Earth and the Sun while a lunar eclipse occurs when the Earth casts a shadow on the full Moon.

**An annular solar eclipse happens when the Moon covers the Sun’s centre leaving the Sun’s visible outer edges to form a “ring of fire” or annulus around the Moon.

***A penumbral lunar eclipse occurs when the Sun, Earth and the Moon are imperfectly aligned. When this happens, the Earth blocks some of the Sun’s light from directly reaching the moon’s surface and covers all or part of the Moon with the outer part of its shadow, also known as penumbra.

Retreating on Sark

I love retreating and while I’ve never had a ‘bad’ retreat, there are some retreats that are very special, and this Sark retreat was certainly one of those.

The weather forecast for the weekend didn’t look that great earlier in the week, but we were indeed blessed. There was the usual strong winds on the Friday, testing us all in some way, but I’m very aware that there is always an obstacle on the spiritual path and always an obstacle in the days leading up to a retreat (or the months in the case of Goa and the whole visa drama), if not on the day itself.

But we arrived safely, albeit the journey was a little bumpy and a little longer than ordinary, setting us back a little from our tight schedule, which meant that the class started later than planned on the Friday and was therefore shorter than intended. But all good! Plus we were joined by a number of Sark residents, so there was certainly a welcoming feel to our first few hours on Sark, which continued throughout!

It was only when I was cycling home on my own that night, in the seeming pitch black that it hit me that this is one dark place! I know it’s a dark sky Island, but I’ve never noticed quite how dark it really is! It almost made me feel claustrophobic and certainly disorientated, and I couldn’t help thinking that it was a metaphor for life, as the recent moon cycle and equinox shift made a lot of us feel desperately disorientated and uncomfortable.

I was reminded that one has no choice really, but to just surrender to the flow as I too had to surrender to the bumpy path beneath me and keep pedalling, trusting that I would end up at my home for the night eventually! Of course we do have a choice, we always have a choice, we choose our thoughts after all! But what sense is there, what sense would there have been for me to go against the flow of the path on that dark evening? In life, what sense is there is pushing and battling against the flow of things?

The flow can be tricky though, simply because we can’t be sure, exactly, where we will end up. There is no certainty! But really, apart from the certainty of our breath (at least from the moment we are born, to the moment we die), and the fact we will age, what certainty is there in our lives anyway? It is more than this though, flowing often means that we need to let go. Letting go of who we think we are, so that we can settle more fully into a more authentic version of ourself, because life changes and sometimes we just stop fitting into the one that we have previously created.

There is grieving that comes with letting go, we have to break down all that we have created, and that can be tricky, heart over head, that is definitely not without its issues, the head likes to control, the heart doesn’t know what control means. So inevitably fear arises - there is some vulnerability that comes with following the heart and trusting the flow of things - and it could be very easy to resist and close the heart, dropping back into old well trodden paths instead, and yet knowing that you have outgrown these now so inevitably they will feel uncomfortable (cue head in sand or numbing out somehow).

Inevitably I made it home, to the light, and there were the children wired, absolutely wired with the excitement of being on Sark and of having my Dad, Baba, on hand to play with them at every opportunity, and of course Daddy too, but in comparison to Baba, Dady is rather boring! So there followed a mission to get them to sleep, and it was a late one! 10pm before the pickle otherwise known as Eben finally settled, and I was not far behind him! I’d love to say it was a restful night but it wasn't! Much bed swapping and finally some sleep!

I might only teach on retreats, rather than attend them as a student these days, but they are still transformative by their very nature. Not least because of the practices and spending at least 9 hours in a yoga environment full of beautiful yogic energy, but because of sharing my passion with others, which is a joy - I love to share yoga and only hope that others may be positively touched by the practice as I have been in my own life, this is what motivates me to teach, it is a duty!

On Saturday, the sun was shining as I cycled to the yoga space at the Island Hall for the first class that morning. We may have had a terrible night with our children, but I was beginning to see even more of the light - this is such a beautiful spot on Planet Earth, a tonic for the soul.

The class was active in the morning, raising the energy, and after brunch, a few of us met for a walk through the beautiful valley to Dixcart Bay for a high-tide swim. Others joined Caragh for her popular chocolate making sessions (you even get to take lots of chocolate home with you!). Other still cycled around enjoying the views, walking, chatting, doing what you do on Sark and on retreat - as little or as much as you like!

Later afternoon some of us met at 4.30pm for some Bhakti yoga and devotional chanting of mantra to Krishna, Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. We also enjoyed the illuminating and energising Gayatri Mantra; with much gratitude, thank you. This before the chanting of the Bija mantras, to raise the vibration of each of our seven main chakras. We shared Reiki too, and held crystals, there was a lucky dip and most definitely a theme with rose quartz for the heart and sodalite for the throat showing up frequently. It is all about the heart and voicing this!

The tea time yoga session was gentle in nature. By then my voice was well and truly giving up on me, my sore throat had been getting worse during the day, a message there for me metaphysically, and a chance to look clearly at my fear of not being heard, ha ha! I just loved the class regardless of the croaky yoga nidra!

More dark night and this time walking and chatting to Stocks with Sarah, before cycling on home alone, but this time enjoying the solitude and the unknown within the darkness and finding my way easily home. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but the children were suitably exhausted by their Sark antics, all that fresh air had worked its magic, phew, a night of quality sleep!

More sunshine awaited me Sunday morning and this fairly much set the scene for the whole day, which whizzed past after another active morning class, and the end to the yoga element of the retreat. I really enjoyed the group energy that the students helped to create, and felt emotional that this was us done, so quickly! Thank you to all you really lovely ladies who attended and joined together so easily, it was an absolute honour and a joy.

I joined the family and we cycled out to the dolmon on Little Sark. This place blows my mind. How did people get the stones here and why? It’s a beautifully protected spot, with the midday sun, at least at this time of the year, shining in. I suppose it’s just really peaceful, there was no urgency to leave. As those of you who know me will know, I love any sort of ancient stone for they contain a special energy, a link above and below, and I would certainly encourage the traipse to find these one next time you are in Sark.

We cycled around a little more but I’ll be honest, while others went sea swimming, I lay down in the bedroom of the house where we were staying and enjoyed a yoga nidra and opportunity to rest as Eben napped on the bed. Navigating Sark on a bike and breathing in all the fresh air, let alone the yoga, certainly makes one tired, plus of course life slows down a pace and all the stress dissipates.

We returned to Guernsey on the 4.30pm boat, but I can’t say I was ready to leave, there is something about this magical Island, which just gets right under the skin, you can’t help but be uplifted by a stay, there’s something in the rocks and in its general energy.

I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to retreat on Sark, and for the family to come with me. The children absolutely love Sark, especially as they love tractors and tractors are everywhere, but also because they can just be so free. We can all be so free! It feels to me that Sark frees us a little bit in some way, maybe that sounds esoteric but here is some truth in it.

I’m very grateful to all of those who retreated with me and to Sark for holding space so marvellously, and for enlightening, and lightening the path a little. There was a lot of love on that retreat, and on that island generally.

Thank you. xx