The Joy of Yoga Nidra

Today I came across an article I wrote a while ago now for a Yoga magazine on the joys of Yoga Nidra.  I still thoroughly enjoy Yoga Nidra and have spent this year undertaking a foundation course on it.  This has meant I've practiced a lot of Yoga Nidra in all different formats and from different traditions this past year too, which has really helped me with the post-natal exhaustion.

I've also found that Yoga Nidra has helped to me to connect more deeply with my creativity, I've been writing a lot! I've also re-discovered a love of painting and have more creative ideas than I may have done previously.

Everyone should practice Yoga Nidra!  This is one of the reasons I incorporate Yoga Nidra into all of my retreats and ensure that we finish the Sunday morning Yoni Yoga class with one.  Bliss!!

If you'd like to know more then keep reading:

When I initially started practicing Yoga almost 10 years ago now, I simply could not relax.  It was impossible.  At the end of the Yoga class when the teacher announced Savasana, I would try and find any possible excuse to leave the class early so that I could avoid the last few minutes of relaxation. 

It was not so much that I was adverse to the idea of relaxation per se, it was more so that I found relaxing so mentally uncomfortable.  There were simply too many thoughts, too many tick lists, too many things I should be doing, rather than simply lying there on the floor trying to relax.

When I first ventured out to Byron Bay in Australia to immerse myself in Yoga a year into my practice, I shall never forget my first 2 hour Yoga session (the normal length of the classes out there at that time).  While I loved every single minute of the asana practice, the problem came, however, with a 20 whole minutes of quiet relaxation at the end of the class.  Proper quiet that is, with no music, no distraction, nothing.  Those were the longest 20 minutes of my life, or so it seemed in that moment!

Still with me attending these 2 hour sessions once or twice a day every day for a month and unable to leave the class early (many teachers will understandably discourage you from doing so), I quickly developed my own way of dealing with the mental chatter.  I imagined in my mind a train line with open trucks in which I placed each of my thoughts and then watched them pass by, one after the other, until I was able, eventually, to experience some relief from the constant background mental chatter.

Over the next year I practiced a lot of Yoga as I developed my practice both on and off the mat, qualifying as a Yoga teacher in the process.  My ability to relax improved hugely, but it wasn’t until I assisted on a teacher training course at Govinda Valley, Sydney that I discovered the joy and indeed benefit of Yoga Nidra. The relaxation became something I enjoyed rather than something that I endured at the end of a Yoga class.

I can still remember the experience of that first Yoga Nidra clearly.  There we were, the whole class of students, lying comfortably in the corpse pose, a bolster under knees and a blanket covering each of us to keep us warm as the teacher’s gentle voice soothed us into a state of cosy bliss as we relaxed each part of our body part by part, experiencing sensations and bringing awareness to the natural breath; it was a journey like no other I had experienced previously.

Time lost all meaning, what was actually 30 minutes felt like 5, and before I knew it we were back in the room, on our mats, in our bodies, feeling much more centred and grounded than I had felt at the beginning of the class.  What was also noticeable was the fact the mental chatter had eased, I had managed to drift beyond it into that wonderful state of being between being awake and asleep, the hypnotic state, where real healing takes place.  I felt brighter, lighter, rested and renewed. 

Essentially Yoga Nidra is a powerful meditation technique inducing complete physical, emotional and mental relaxation.   During Yoga Nidra one appears to be asleep but the consciousness is functioning at a deeper level of awareness so that you are prompted throughout the practice to say to yourself mentally, “I shall not sleep, I shall remain awake”.

Before beginning Yoga Nidra you make a Sankalpa, or a resolution for the practice.  The Sankalpa is an important stage of Yoga Nidra as it plants a seed in the mind encouraging healing and transformation in a positive direction.  The Sankapla is a short positive mental statement established at the beginning of the practice and said mentally to yourself in the present tense, as if it had already happened, such as “I am happy, healthy and pure light”, or “I am whole and healed”.

A Sankalpa can also be used to encourage you to let go of something in your life like smoking or overeating, focusing on the underlying feeling that leads you to smoke or to overeat such as “I love and care for myself and my body”, or “I choose to eat foods that support my health and wellbeing” or “I am relaxed and contented”.    In fact simply having the opportunity to establish a Sankalpa is powerful in itself as it gives you a focus and enhances your awareness of self.

It is actually in connecting with yourself that you come to realise all the deep seated tensions that Yoga Nidra helps you to release.  These are all the unconscious and unresolved issues that are playing a role in some of the unwanted habits and behaviour patterns you are noticing consciously.  This is the stuff that goes through your mind time and time again, the stuff you resolve to change at the beginning of each year but that “will” alone will not change.  What you need to do is get to the root of the problem and Yoga Nidra provides you with a means to do this.

With all the letting go of this “stuff”, such as trapped emotions and feelings, you become lighter and there is more energy available to be used in a more positive manner.  Plus with the power of intention in the form of Sankalpa, that which we attract into our life also changes.  It is in this way that Yoga Nidra offers us so much potential for transforming our lives in an even more positive direction than we can ever imagine.

Of course let us not forget the physiological benefits too, such as lowering of the heart rate and blood pressure, the release of lactate from the muscles that can cause anxiety and fatigue, a more restful night’s sleep and, ultimately, a calming and unwinding of the nervous system, which is basically the foundation of the body’s wellbeing.  So you see our physical health and sense of wellbeing can improve too.

Over the years Yoga Nidra has helped me in so many ways.  At times of crisis, when I have been tired and exhausted, sick and stressed, it has helped to restore, renew and heal me.  At confused times in my life when I have been unclear of the way forward then it has provided me with much needed clarity.  At other times it has helped me to let go of unhealthy addictions and behaviour patterns, the most profound was changing my relationship to myself and therefore enabling me to effortlessly let go of the need to smoke tobacco after so many years of battling with this nicotine addiction.

These days relaxation comes easily to me and I positively seek out and embrace any opportunity for Yoga Nidra for it is just such an amazing practice. In this stressful and fast paced world we live, where we can feel so disorientated and fragmented, it really helps to bring us back together and connect with ourselves again. Needless to say, I cannot promote the benefits of Yoga Nidra to you enough. But of course you cannot benefit from merely intellectualising these things, and reading about it will not necessarily change things.  What you really need to do is make a commitment to take the time out for yourself.  Lie comfortably, cover yourself with a blanket, close your eyes and allow yourself to be guided through a Yoga Nidra session.  I doubt you will regret it, in fact you may find it a life changing experience.

Happy Full Moon!

I managed a beautiful sea swim this evening with the full moon in Aries rising in front of us, we saw without our clothes too, it was very naughty and thoroughly liberating!

I was feeling the full moon rage yesterday and felt drawn to paint.  Today dawned blissfully calm as if the full moon had already peaked.  It's calm tonight too, crystals in the garden!

Enjoy the ride, the energy is very heightened on a full moon and it's an ideal time to forgive and acknowledge with gratitude all the wonderful things you might have in your life...creating spaces and higher vibration for new moon manifesting in two weeks time.

Happy new moon!

x

Jill's everything but the kitchen sink Kimchi - for good gut health!

The Kimchi festering before potting

I've learned an awful lot about gut health this past ten months. Eben was born with gut issues, a result of his entrance into the world - six weeks early, Caesarean Section, administered antibiotics upon birth, kept in a sterile incubator without much human touch those first few days of his life. It was far from ideal and has resulted in a lack of good microbes, which means he is intolerant to lots of things.

And when I say lots of things, I mean lots of things - dairy, wheat, gluten, oats, soya, tomatoes, strawberries, and peppers. If he eats any of these things then his digestion is compromised (constipation mainly) and his skin flares up with eczema.

It's been quite some journey managing this, not only for him but for me too given that I've been breastfeeding him.  We've followed the GAPS diet as best we can, with bone broth (yep, I even ate organic chicken for a time), lots of coconut oil, olive oil and fermented foods. My Mum's been helping lots and has made this wonderful 'Everything but the kitchen sink' Kimchi", which I share with you here:

Jill's everything but the kitchen sink Kimchi

There are many recipes for Kimchi but I guess the overriding difference to Sauerkraut is the inclusion of chillies.

Ingredients

1 small daikon/mouli grated (I got mine from Forest Stores and they are large, so I only used half in this recipe.   You could use ordinary radishes instead and would need at least a whole packet)
2 large carrots (or equivalent) grated
1 apple grated
1 onion (red or white) or a bunch of spring onions, chopped
1 cabbage, sliced (core removed and cabbage quartered). KEEP 2 or 3 of the outer leaves for 'sealing' the mix in the jar.
1/2 bunch kale (red/white or both) or pack of small pack choi, sliced
5cm piece of ginger, finely grated
2 or 3 red chillies finely chopped or 1 to 2 teaspoons chilli flakes (to taste)
4 or 5 cloves of garlic, finely grated or minced (you do need some garlic but can reduce this amount if not keen or increase - to taste)
2 tablespoons fish sauce or dulse flakes (the latter from Hansa)
2 tablespoons Himalayan pink salt (or sea salt such as Celtic salt - as long as it is decent quality.

Using your hands mix it all in a large glass or ceramic bowl, squeezing it as you do so to start the release of the juices.    If you do this in the morning you can transfer it to jars later that day.  If made later in the day it should be left overnight before potting.

When potting, pack it down so that you force the juices to cover it, but don't pack right to the top of the jar, leave 4 - 5 cm.   Fold one of the retained outer cabbage leaves to create a 'lid' inside the jar, then use a bit of carrot set in the middle of the leaf, a little bit higher than the lid, so that as you screw the lid on, it forces the leaf down and ensures the juices cover the mix.  DON'T screw the lid tightly at this point as you need to leave it on a work surface for 3 days so that it starts to fizz a little.  You can leave it longer but after those 3 days the lids can be screwed on tightly and it can now be stored in the fridge for up to 3 months (if it lasts that long - it is moreish!).

You can vary the vegetables, although cabbage is a staple in it.

Packed into jars, see the liquid near the top

Use the retained outer leaves, folded, to 'seal' the kimchi below.  Use carrot, a little higher than the lid, to push the seal down when you put the top on.

With the lids on loosely, you can clearly see the liquid right up to the top.

The light of yoga

I'm very excited about the seven day yoga challenge that we're launching tomorrow. I love sharing yoga and hope that this may encourage some of you to dust off your mat and have a go.  

I've been thinking recently how yoga can be a little bit like that saying, "people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime".  So it's the same with yoga.  For me it's certainly a lifelong practice, whilst I recognise that people flit in and out, sometimes because something is going on in their lives and they need the support and other times, because yoga gets too confronting.

I realised yesterday that I've now been practicing yoga, on a virtually daily basis for 14 years now. My body's changed a lot during that time, not least in terms of my flexibility,  but the hugest change has been in my outlook on life and my relationship with my self (which has had a knock on effect on every relationship in my life).

I was suffering with depression and PMS when I discovered yoga. It was for those reasons that I sought it out. Yoga made me feel better.  I mean not consistently better, at least not overnight, but gradually the depression eased as I made changes in my life, that the yoga has helped me to realise needed to be made, and gave me the strength to make the changes.

I came home to myself, to my heart and soul. Yoga saved my life.  It taught me how to dream and to believe in my dreams, it encouraged me to see the positive in all things. It helped me to learn to love myself again, to let go of the insecurities and the shame, to acknowledge my gifts and use them. It helped me to heal.

It also helped to deepen my connection to Mother Earth and to take responsibility for my impact on her. This recognition in itself has been hugely life changing, because it's all too easy to overlook this and not take any responsibility. It's made me more conscious then, which has been hugely rewarding, if at times confronting!

Yoga's amazing and I shall be eternally grateful to all the yogis and yoginis who came before me and led the way. Thank you. I hope that the seven day challenge may help in a way too, passing on a little of the light passed on to me. 

Happy practicing!

x

Yummy immune Boosting Soup Recipe

I can’t take credit for the recipe, it’s been adapted from one given to me from an Australian cookbook…its incredibly yummy, and very good for you!

Ingredients

3 cups of sweet potato, cut into 3cm cubes

1 leek (both white and green parts), cut in half, washed and thinly sliced

2 tsp cooking oil

1 garlic glove, minced

1 Tbsp grated ginger

1.5litres basic vegetable stock

1 medium broccoli head, small florets and thin slices of tender stalk

2 cups of seasonal leafy greens such as kale or spinach

½ cup cashew nuts

1 tsp sea salt

¼ large bunch flat leaf parsley

Fruity, high quality extra virgin olive oil

What to do

Preheat the over to 200 Celcius

Toss the sweet potato in oil to coat, place on a roasting tray, and roast for 25-30 minutes, or until the potato is tender inside and golden outside.

In a large, heavy-based saucepan or flameproof casserole, sauté the leek in cooking oil for 8-10 minutes or until soft and golden. Add the garlic and ginger, sauté another 2 minutes. Next add all the stock. Add the broccoli pieces, leafy green, roasted sweet potato (whenever its ready, it can be added a little later if necessary), cashews and salt. Simmer, covered, for 15-20 minutes or until the vegetables are tender. Add three quarters of the chopped parsley (it will cook almost instantly in the hot soup).

Turn off the heat and puree the soup either with a and held blender or a food processor. Reheat then mix in a few grinds of peppercorn and taste for seasoning.  Garnish with remaining parsley and a glug of olive oil.

Enjoy!!

Part 29 - The Light of Surrender

Our lives were filled with light that Thursday morning; as if the surrendering brought with it a rush of support from the Universe.

There were Earth angels everywhere as I was assigned the most beautifully funny and reassuring midwife who was the embodiment of compassion and understanding.  She was supported by another midwife who happens to be the best friend of my cousin-in-law.  It was perfect.  Ladies who cared and who were in part familiar to me.

My parents kindly rushed around collecting some things for me from the cottage and dropping them into the ward as we hadn’t brought anything with us that morning.  While I was deemed an emergency, we had time, and all I asked was the opportunity to take a shower, which was granted.

I enjoyed standing bent over in the shower cubicle, the water washing over my back and cleansing me. I needed to feel clean ahead of the surgery.  It also gave me time and the space to be on my own too, processing events and coming to terms with my present reality.

The contracting had eased at this point, and I was feeling decidedly calm about everything. After some time, I dried myself and sat quietly, holding my precious lump of rose quartz, dropping awareness within and noticing how it felt; was there any residual fear and could I let go of this? I then sat with my breath until I felt aligned and centred.  I checked my pendulum, yes, now I was ready.

While I was showering, E was shown around the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (“NICU”) for babies, which I’d been shown around when I’d been in hospital a few days earlier. I hadn’t been too interested, because back then I hadn’t expected the baby to arrive at 34 weeks.  Even now I wasn’t too fazed, there was mention that the baby may need support in the delivery room, but my sole focus was on the birth.

Back at my bed the final arrangements were put in place. I had asked to keep my placenta and a tub was found for this.  I’d also asked for vaginal seeding to take place although this was refused me – the specialist almost laughed that I’d suggested it in the first place.

One of the reasons I had resisted a Caesarean birth was due to the increased risk of health conditions in childhood as the baby is deprived of the bacteria that live in the mother’s vagina.

One way around this is to collect the mother’s vaginal fluid on a piece of gauze prior to the birth and wipe this gauze over the baby’s mouth, face and body directly after birth.  This will help to kick start the baby’s immune system and gut by exposing the baby to a diverse mix of bacteria.

However, I was told that this would be extremely risky given that I had an infection and the baby was being born so early. I accepted this easily, the baby’s wellbeing was paramount and I had to respect the knowledge and experience of the medical team, even if this went against my own understanding of things. 

By late morning they were ready in theatre for me and I was ready to meet my baby. I walked to theatre this time, which made a huge difference psychologically, as if I was giving my full consent to the process and not being pushed in a bed as had happened previously.

Arriving at the theatre it was still a relatively alien environment to me, although this time I had none of the fear that had gripped me previously. The theatre nurse assigned to me was another Earth angel who did all he could to care for me.

I knew with certainty that the Universe had my back and that I was being truly supported. I also had my mantra running constantly thought my mind, “love not fear” and it was this that I repeated to myself as the spinal block was applied.

It was actually a relief to be anaesthetised because the contractions had started up again and it was a challenge to stay present to these and do what was asked of me in terms of my positioning on the bed.  The theatre nurses were very kind and I held one of their hands as I focused in on my breath. 

The spinal block soon took effect and we went through the usual checks.  I had made the anaesthetist aware of the issues I had experienced with Elijah’s birth and she was another angel who kept talking to me and making sure that I felt ok. Before I knew it E was beside me wearing his blue theatre attire.

It all seemed to happen very quickly after then and we held hands as our son was born at 12.21pm on Thursday 20 October 2016 with E watching on. Here he was safely Earthside, our little grounded warrior, Eben Ron McInnes, whose name had chosen itself months earlier.

We liked the name when we were looking at names for Elijah and we just had a sense that if we had another boy he would be called Eben. The name is Hebrew and means “stone of help” and this felt rather appropriate to me because in utero he felt grounded.  Furthermore, I had this sense that this was a healing baby and would help in the world as he was now helping me.

As we had named Elijah after E’s Dad, Iain, we had agreed that if we had a boy, he would name him after my Dad, Ron. The name comes from Old Norse and means “warrior”, and he seemed to be living up to this name already.

Eben weighed 5lb 1oz, which was a brilliant weight for a baby born six weeks premature, but he needed oxygen upon delivery and while I got a glance of him, he was immediately whisked away to the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit, while I was stitched up again.

I was jubilant, we had another son, a gift from above.  And his birth too was a gift, for I had been given the opportunity to embody surrender. This was all I had ever wanted to experience; the surrender that accompanies the birthing process.  I too, felt re-birthed.

There was nothing to fight against. There was just this incredible sense of peace and calmness. The Universe had our back. We were bathed in love and with that came the realisation that that’s all there is.  We are all heart, just like our babies had shown at their 6 week’s scan. There is nothing to fear and nowhere else to be but in the moment.

We were in the flow and that meant constantly surrendering to the present, whatever it may give. And I was grateful for this realisation over the coming week ahead.

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

I attended my second yoga class since Eben was born. What a joy! I practice yoga on my mat every day on my own and sometimes I practice along to YouTube yoga videos (Adrienne is a particular favourite) but there’s nothing quite as wonderful as attending a class. It’s a passion of mine.

I love nothing more than joining other yogis and yoginis in a dedicated yoga space to practice together. And I love a good teacher who is able to guide me to a deeper awareness of being. So I was in my yoga heaven yesterday when I joined Kevin and the Saturday morning class at the Brighton Buddhist Centre.

In the peaceful environment of the yoga space, I quickly became aware of the hectic nature of my mind. It’s easier to overlook this in one’s own practice, sometimes merely going through the motions and often increasing the pace to meet the mind rather than slowing down to try and tame the mind.

My mind was in overdrive. Within the first few minutes of movement, I noticed my mind thinking about a forthcoming Reiki attunement session and planning the food I should prepare for this and putting together a list of ingredients. I caught myself as I drifted into Waitrose and down the aisles, identifying the location of the ingredients I will need to buy.

I had a good laugh at myself. I may well have been physically present on my yoga mat in Brighton but my mind was in the future in a shop in Guernsey. As for my spirit? I knew it was there but my mind was too noisy to hear it. Before I knew it, I’d drifted from Waitrose to Infinity Foods in Brighton as I planned the food I was going to buy after the class.

I laughed again and brought my awareness back to the moment and back to the breath coming in and out, ujjayi breath, steadying, centring and calming. From the breath my awareness moved to sensation in the body to further ground me in the present. I was aware how it felt to move into Downward Facing dog and from there the relief of resting in Pose of a Child.

It was a wonderful feeling really. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. The thoughts kept coming but I was more aware of not becoming engaged with them and just noticing them instead.  This was easier at times than others, because sometimes the thoughts drag you in.

In yoga, we talk of cultivating equanimity, of being able to ‘stand in the middle of all this’, of being grounded, sane and ordinary. It’s about noticing how our mind works and getting familiar with it, recognising the hooks, the temptations, the things that drag you in. I was certainly noticing this during the class, it was much more apparent probably because I haven’t been to a class for a while now.

The practice offers us the opportunity to see what’s happening without getting hooked, without having a drama, noticing that everything arises, abides and dissolves. I love that we can embody this in our yoga practice. We inhale and arise into a pose, we stay abiding in that pose and then we exhale, dissolving out of the pose.  And in this whole process we have the opportunity to learn how our mind works, and to get more familiar with it.

Yoga is amazing for many reasons, but especially as it offers us the opportunity to train the mind. This does involve some effort, as it can be hard work to let go of the seductive thoughts, the thinking that throws us off centre and draws us in. It’s a constant practice to keep coming back to the breath, to notice that you are thinking, and being able to resist going after the thoughts, which, like our asana practice, arise, abide and dissolve.

Only that sometimes – well actually quite a lot sometimes – we abide within the thoughts.  And our thoughts give rise to behaviour patterns and beliefs that shape our life.  We create our reality by our thinking. In simplistic terms this means that if we have negative thoughts then we are more likely to have a negative experience and a negative perception of life. Our thinking affects our biochemistry so negative thinking can create dis-ease.

Our yoga practice offers us the opportunity to not only move the body and breathe but also to witness our thoughts as they arise, abide and dissolve, strengthening our mind in the process. Furthermore, it can provide us with the opportunity to notice the nature of the thinking.  How is it for us? Has the habitual thinking given rise to a negative behaviour pattern or to a belief which is no longer serving us? Are we fearful or anxious? Are we constantly giving ourselves a hard time?

Often these patterns are laid down in childhood and we don’t question them, just considering that that is how it is – inherited as they’ve been from society, culture and our parents. We forget that everything is impermanent, that life is not linear. Instead it’s full of movement, fluidity and potential. We just have to recognise the nature of our thinking and not get stuck in our thinking patterns!

I remind myself of this as we practice a number of asana, to notice my habitual way of thinking and it’s liberating.  To be able to stand back and notice the arising thoughts, allowing them to abide and then dissolve, they’re not me!

With that I feel lighter, not least physically but also mentally.  There is a pause between thoughts, a silence.  I long for more of those silences. Those liminal spaces. That gap between the inhalation and the exhalation and between the exhalation and the inhalation. That space where magic happens. That’s the reason I also love Yoga Nidra, it’s full of liminal spaces.

After the class I headed to a crystal shop and chose a Goddess card before having my tarot cards read by a beautiful lady called Nina. Both of them told me what I’d already realised.  It’s time to retreat to silence and calm the mind. It’s true what they say, that we teach that which we most need to learn, but that makes sense doesn’t it, otherwise how would we know.

The effects of the class continued into the day.  I kept catching myself when the hooks presented themselves. The victim/martyr archetype kept showing up and I had to reel myself back from getting hooked. It is what it is. We create our own reality. Equanimity. It’s a life long practice, of arising, abiding and dissolving, taking it all very lightly and questioning the thinking!

Part 28 - Dancing with the Moon

I started contracting during the facial treatment.  I didn’t realise what it was at the time, I just thought it was some cramping.  The sensation increased during the evening to the point that I found it difficult to sleep.

I was jubilant, I was finally contracting!  I had longed to experience this sensation, ever since it was denied to me with the planned delivery of Elijah three years earlier.  This time around, I had wanted the baby to choose it’s birthing date, and here it was, making that choice.

I loved every moment of that evening; it was one of the most intimate experiences of my life. I shall always treasure the insight it provided, of my breath, of sensation, and of the opportunity to be joyfully present.  Pain brings this gift to us, and here I was able to rejoice with it.

I spent some time on the sofa, dipping in and out of Facebook, aware of the time changing because the new day brought with it new birthdays.  I shall never forget that, because I felt so pleased with myself being one of the first people to congratulate a friend on her birthday.

When I had tired of that and the sensation demanded otherwise, I wrapped myself in a blanket and spent time outside in the darkness of the night with the waning moon and the stars above me.

I squatted on the Earth where Elijah’s tree grows with his placenta nourishing it, and where I’d bled prior to conceiving this new life growing inside me, and felt an incredible oneness with everything. It felt poignant, as if I was stepping into a portal that connected me to the mysteries of this world.

And then the moment came as I always hoped it would, when all I wanted to do was sway my hips and dance.

I danced with the moon shining her light over me as I held my baby within me. Together we danced around the garden and I couldn’t stop smiling because I was on my own and I was having the most amazing time. 

I felt overwhelming love for my baby and for Elijah and E asleep inside, and for the world, and this oneness that goes as quickly as it comes.  I felt truly aligned.

I danced with the moon until I knew it was time to go inside again.

Here I lay in the bath, cleansed by the water, focusing on breath and sensation and on and on it went.

At some point during the early hours I released my mucous plug and while I was aware that if I was in labour I was meant to telephone the ward immediately, I felt that I didn’t need to do that just yet. 

All fear had finally gone and there was this sense that perhaps I could just wing it.  Perhaps I could just stay at home like this and see what happened, see whether I could birth my breech baby all on my own. I still hadn’t given up on that hope. But I was aware that if it was meant to be, it would be, and that the baby would arrive quickly.

However, by 5.30am there was no baby and I began to realise that I had to do something about my situation. E was awake by then and I noticed that the discharge had started to change colour, it wasn’t a clear/pinkish colour anymore, so I knew it was now time to telephone the hospital.

With E awake the sensations felt stronger because I wasn’t able to be in my space with my breath in the same way as I had been on my own.  This was an insight to me, the potential need to be alone during the birthing experience. Not that I had that opportunity because having telephoned the ward they told me to come in immediately.

With Elijah now awake, the three of us stepped out of the house into the darkness of the night, and there up in the sky ahead of us was the waning moon and the sign of a cross in the sky, made from two airline streams.  It felt incredibly auspicious and I knew in my heart of hearts that now was the time, this was a sign, this was really happening.

We dropped Elijah off at E’s Mum and went to the hospital where I discovered that its rather tricky to walk when you’re contracting at the same time!

It’s also rather tricky to lie still and be scanned.  But alas that is what happened and it showed that yes, I was contracting and a decision would soon need to be made about delivery because the specialists didn’t want me going into full blown labour and running the risk of delivering a breech baby.

A swipe was taken to test for an infection and I was allocated a bed on the ward. The specialist felt that one way or another there was a high chance that the baby would be delivered that day.  If the tests showed that I had an infection, then I would need to have the baby delivered that morning.

If I didn’t have an infection there was a chance that now it was light outside the contractions would stop and I would be monitored – the longer the baby was in utero the better for his/her development.

I was still talking about breech delivery because there was still hope.  There was still a chance that the contractions would ease and I would have time.

I was aware that the specialist I had first seen when I was initially pregnant was working the ward that morning and I was adamant that I didn’t want to see him.  He had told me I would be high risk and would likely deliver by Caesarean section and here I was about to do that.

It didn’t seem to matter anymore. By then I’d finished reading the “The Universe has Your Back” and my mantra was ‘love not fear’.  And here I was in hospital very aware that yes, the Universe had my back, and what was meant to be was meant to be.

I had to surrender.

And then came the opportunity.

My lovely female specialist was now on duty and she came to see me with the specialist who we’d seen earlier that morning to tell us that I had an infection.

She took my hand and told me that she knew this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but there really was no choice now, the baby had to be delivered that morning by Caesarean Section.

I laughed.

I laughed because one way or another I was destined to have a repeat Caesarean Section. The Goddess of the Moon was dancing and now I finally chose to dance with her.

I surrendered.

There was no choice.  There was nothing to fight any longer.  The Universe had my back. Love not fear.

And there it was.  I finally accepted my reality.  There would be no home birth. There would be no spiritual experience in the shower as I attempted to birth my baby all on my own.  There would be none of that.

But what there was, was far more profound in many ways.  Because I was being asked to step beyond the fear and my idea of how things should be, to experience the spiritual in it. This was the lesson that I had needed to learn and this brought with it the spiritual experience and opportunity for growth that I had always dreamt of, just it was presenting itself in a way I had not expected…but that’s the way of the Universe. Our dreams always come true but not as we expect them to, that too is a lesson in surrender and acceptance.