Kamalātmikā: Opening to female sexuality

I’ve been procrastinating about writing about the third Mahāvidyā, the third goddess that I shared at yoni yoga last Sunday, Kamalātmikā, because her power is the capacity for experiencing pleasure and delight in abundance; she is sexuality and intimacy! We don’t tend to have intimate conversations, even with those with whom we are most intimate, intimacy brings up our greatest vulnerability and there’s a certain intimacy in even writing about sexuality! 

Kamalātmikā is the radiant goddess of delight, she is always associated with abundance, love and beauty. Of all the Mahāvidyās, it is only Kamalātmikā who is always beneficent, all the others have weapons or fearful aspects. It is Kamalātmikā alone whose abundance and grace is always generous and giving. As Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes: 

“In relation to sexuality, Kamalātmikā’s radiant beauty and abundant generosity reveal the deep and continuous capacity for delight that experiences of conscious sexual fulfilment can bring throughout our lives. Hers is a powerful siddhi that connects us with the power of pleasure as a spiritualising force. When we explore the full spectrum of female sexuality, then the experience of the spirit of sexuality not only includes pleasures we bring to ourselves and those we share with others, but may also include periods of celibacy.”

As the tenth Mahāvidyā she often stands beside Kālī and their relationship is deep. Kamalātmikā is the beauty and delight unfolded into the physical and material realm, whereas Kālī is the beauty of the void from which everything manifests, and it is only by absolute surrender to Kālī that the true grace of Kamalātmikā can shower upon us – surrendering is not always easy as we know, it can be very messy, and nowhere more are we required to surrender than in the quest for deep sexual pleasure and orgasm as a form of spiritually-orientated blissful experience. 

Uma writes, “If we are attracted to the power of delight and pleasure on a superficial level – for example if we pursue sexual experience for the gratification of unconscious needs or the acquisition of status and power – then, inevitably the lotus goddess of delight will show her other form, and the hands that shower down the golden coins and abundant water will become the hands that hold the bloody chopper and the severed head. The immense power of pleasure is, when pursued without consciousness of its spiritual dimension, a potentially destructive force that can deplete, demean and/or disempower us.”

So it goes that Kamalātmikā shows us that sexual fulfilment is not so much delight and pleasure at a superficial level but an opportunity to access much deeper parts of being, that literally enable us to access more of the bliss body, of pure being. This can be healing, not least because of the depth of surrender that is involved, beyond our inherent vulnerability,  but in the way that this enables us women to step into – and unblock – our power, allowing shakti, the female creative essence, to flow where it is most needed.

Uma argues that “if our relationship with the siddhi of Kamalātmikā becomes distant, if we lose our connection for whatever reason with the true nature of our sexuality, then we become exiled from the source of our identity and vitality…We have long been exiled. The deep freedom of loving sexual expression as women is our motherland. But we’ve been away so long we don’t even know what it feels like to come home”.

The term ‘yoni’ means cunt, vulva, womb, source, home, or place of rest. We return home when we connect with this space in our body, upon which yoni yoga and Uma’s womb yoga is centred. It is a deeply healing approach to yoga practice for it literally helps us to come home to ourselves, in the very place of power (shakti) in our bodies. It enables us, if we allow it, to take us to deeper places in ourselves that we didn’t even know we were exiled from until we feel the depth of sensation and surrendering that an awareness here brings. 

 Female sexuality is not something that is freely talked about such is our cultural and societal limitations. This is a culture that still regards menstruation as shameful and should be invisible. This is a culture that teaches women to ignore the ebb and flow of their cycle and pop themselves on a pill through fear of pregnancy and termination, and in the process disconnecting them from the naturally arising cycles of sexual desire, and denying them the opportunity for inner understanding of the links between menstrual cycle, sexuality and fertility.

 This is a culture that lies to women about what to wear and the various cosmetic, depilatory and surgical activities, which are frequently undertaken to try to ensure that the female body is  considered glamorous and sexually attractive to men according to standards set by those in the porn industry. I could write at length at the myriad ways that women are asked to sell out on themselves trying to be something that ultimately takes them away from an authentic encounter with the energises of their own unique sexuality.

Instead they sell out to patriarchy and capitalism, giving up true beauty and the spiritual power of genuine and loving sexual encounter, because they are told that this is how it should be. It’s not just the pill that is the problem, but the whole deal, the high heels that suffocate feet and damage spines, the surgical alteration of breasts and vagina, the wearing of toxic chemicals in the quest to ‘smell nice’, and the potential damage done by wearing underwired bras, which have been the focus of debates as to whether or not the wearing of them contributes to breast cancer. 

Deadly to women too, and as Uma writes, is the “repeated experiences of conventional thrusting hetero-sex that involves rhythmic friction between penis and vagina without prior adequate female sexual arousal, such as that practised in most bedrooms and aggressively promoted on every porn channel/internet site in the world, causes long-term damage and desensitisation of female genitalia, to the point where many women are unable to experience vaginal, uterine or G-spot/blended orgasm. Tied into the expression of women’s sexuality is also a deep fear of the dangers to which it makes us vulnerable; the dangers of verbal and physical abuse, of public humiliation and rape. Our culture permits hardly any safe spaces for the genuinely free exploration and expression of female sexuality”.

It’s a sorry state of affairs where women are encouraged to sell out on themselves, give up on their inner arisings and feelings in the quest to look a certain way to encourage sexual desire in others. This so subtle too, that we don’t even realise that we are fulfilling cultural expectations rather than allowing our own greater fulfilment, sexually and spiritually too. I know from my own experience how difficult it is to break free from this conditioning, to understand the extent to which “our culture’s conventional definition of female sexuality truly is an empty shell”, as Uma writes.

Yet when we do it can be truly liberating, to appreciate the extent that our sexuality is not based on outward experience, but comes from a much deeper place within, that cannot be bought or manipulated, that doesn’t involve us changing our breast size or the shape of our labia or shaving our pubic hair, or wearing make-up and certain clothes or shoes, or wearing our hair a certain way, or being on the pill and sexually available at all times to meet the needs of someone else, regardless of whether we feel sexually aroused or not. No, this comes from a very different place. 

The trouble comes in trying to access this deeper place. If we have experienced sexual trauma and termination for example, or a relationship that left us feeling extremely vulnerable and sexually-used then it can take time to release these experiences from our bodies, to allow ourselves to open to pleasure when all we have felt in this most sacred of places in our bodies is pain. I know from my own embodied experience how tricky this journey can be, how there are layers and levels to the pain and the holding on that prevent us from truly surrendering to any potentially pleasurable and delightful moment of bliss, spiritual or not. 

It was only through discovering Uma and her womb yoga that I began to release that which was holding me back from finding my way back home again, and this motivated in part yoni yoga, which took me into these places where the shame, anger and sadness was still held. It was these places that revealed themselves to me when my body was positioned a certain way in my practice that caused a jolt of memory, forgotten memory, such was the pain that caused me to pop the feelings and the experience into the back of my mind, and deep into my body where I could ignore them and not feel.

It was Scaravelli-inspired yoga though where the true release came. I knew that I needed to re-discover my ability to be intimate, to touch those lost parts of self that I knew were longing for expression, but that I couldn’t access. I could have continued my life as it was, in a loving relationship with a soul mate and the depth of intimacy and pleasure that that brings and yet knowing that there was another level even to this if I could allow the healing that I began to appreciate needed to take place.

I kept wondering how and then going back to sleep again, it was easier to resign myself to it than do anything about it, mainly because I didn’t know what to do about it, it’s not a conversation I have had with anyone other than a gentle soul friend in a snatched conversation on the beach before children interrupted our quick intimacy. I prayed for help as it happens, prayed to be shown the way that I might take to find my home again. 

In came Scaravelli-yoga and this took me to the soft places, the gateways and the sacred spaces where I had no choice but to peel back layer upon vulnerable layer, back to source, to reconnect to those deeper parts of self that had frozen in time with traumatic experience, sexual and otherwise, the clinical nature of IVF doesn’t help, in those moments lived that somehow tore at the very heart of me and caused me to effectively shut down from feeling the depth of pleasure, that I might have felt more effortlessly prior to these painful experiences, that prevented me from truly surrendering. 

There is a connection between the ‘low heart’ of the sacral chakra, home of the sexual organs, and the ‘high heart’ of the heart chakra. When the energy of the low heart is blocked by trauma, abuse, or any belief around sex not being enjoyable, then there will be an impact in the high heart too. It’s not just the low heart that suffers but the high heart too, and when we heal the lower heart we heal the higher heart too. I touch more on this in my book, From Darkness Comes Light, but you’ll need to wait for that as it is still being edited! 

There’s always a vulnerability in sharing so intimately but I believe it is time that we are more honest with ourselves as women and with each other women too. For we have been exiled for too long, selling out on ourselves, seeking validation for our sexual power in all the wrong ways. I know now that it is not something that is necessarily seen in outward appearance, but is an energy, something that can heal us and bring us home to ourselves in a very real way, that is not only a physical experience but is deeply spiritual too if we allow it and let go of what we think it is in the first place.

If you have found your way to these words and you know on some level, as much as you might ignore it, that there is healing needed, work to be done, a deeper connection to be made, a coming home to that sacred place, the yoni, then it is time now my friend to take the leap and slowly let go of all you thought it might be, to see what instead might reveal itself to you when you go gently…into…that…space. Slowly too. Slowly is best. 

Find womb yoga, yoni yoga, Scaravelli-inspired yoga, an approach to practice that is both intimate and healing, pray, ask for guidance and be prepared to follow what opens itself to you. Go easy. Take your time. Invite Kamalātikā into your life and let her guide you. I’ll leave you with this quote by Annie Sprinle, in Foreqard to Sundahl, 2003, which I copy from Uma’s truly amazing book, Yoni Shakti: 

 “Our sexuality is not only something that can be used for the enhancement of intimate relationships, for physical pleasure, or procreation. It can also be used for personal transformation, physical and emotional healing, self-realisation, spiritual growth and as a way to learn about all of life and death. An honest, sexually knowledgeable woman, or group of women, is a divine and extremely powerful force that not only can inspire other women, but also have the potential to contribute to the well-being of all life on earth”.

Expectant mums and right to a partner at birth and antenatal appointments in Guernsey

As You’ll know from my previous posts and my letters to the Guernsey Press and there was even a brief moment on Channel TV, I feel passionate about the rights of human beings and especially the rights of pregnant women on Guernsey during lockdown.

In an effort to try to help those women who have had their voice taken away from them through decisions made by the States of Guernsey, it was suggested I write to the CCA. The letter I wrote follows below.

I received a friendly and prompt response from Heidi Soulsby, who I very much respect. She says that she understands my concerns and how it would be the preference to have a companion at the birth of one’s child, but the decision falls under the mandate of HSC as part of its operational decision making, not CCA.

She explained that very difficult decisions are having to be made as the impact of COVID on the hospital is real and can be profound. She stressed that Guernsey only has one hospital and this has already experienced disruption due to a number of staff at all levels having to go into self-isolation - this is not a theoretical issue.

She very kindly offered to forward my letter to Deputy Brouard and ask at the next CCA meeting if he can look at whether anything further can be done to support mothers whilst we are in lockdown in light of the issues I raised.

I am hopeful that with decreasing rates of COVID, some of the stringent rules currently impacting expectant mums will be eased as part of the process of phasing out of lockdown. I do wonder if there is a broader picture here in respect of the need for a shift in perspective on birth generally. Even WHO stresses that a “good birth” does beyond having a healthy baby and stresses that each labour is different and that individualised and supportive care is the key to positive childbirth experience.

“We want women to give birth in a safe environment with skilled birth attendants in well-equipped facilities. However, the increasing medicalization of normal childbirth processes are undermining a woman’s own capability to give birth and negatively impacting her birth experience,” says Dr Princess Nothemba Simelela, WHO Assistant Director-General for Family, Women, Children and Adolescents. 

“If labour is progressing normally, and the woman and her baby are in good condition, they do not need to receive additional interventions to accelerate labour,” she says.

The article goes on to say that ‘Childbirth is a normal physiological process that can be accomplished without complications for the majority of women and babies. However, studies show a substantial proportion of healthy pregnant women undergo at least one clinical intervention during labour and birth. They are also often subjected to needless and potentially harmful routine interventions”.https://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/2018/positive-childbirth-experience/en/

The need for intervention will likely only increase with the stress that expectant mums are under here in Guernsey especially now during lockdown but also with the medicalised approach to birth that we see here with the maternity services being located within the hospital.

Anything any of us can do to help raise awareness and keep the conversation open, with the hope of changing local attitudes towards birth (that it doesn’t need to be a clinical experience) and ensures that expectant mums and their partners have a voice and are empowered and feel safe to use it - can only be a positive thing for human rights generally.

….

Dear members of the CCA

Expectant mums and right to a partner at birth and antenatal appointments. 

I am writing to express my concern that expectant mums are still being denied the opportunity to be accompanied into theatre with a birth partner when requiring a Caesarean Section, and that expectant mums are also still denied the opportunity to take a partner with them to their antenatal scans. 

Expectant mum and birth partner during Caesarean Section

The World Health Organisation (“WHO”) strongly recommend supporting women to have a chosen companion during labour and childbirth, including during Covid-19: “When a woman has access to trusted emotional, psychological and practical support during labour and childbirth, evidence shows that both her experience of childbirth and her health outcomes can improve.  In Companion of choice during labour and childbirth for improved quality of care, WHO and HRP present updated information on the benefits of labour companionship for women and their newborns, and how it can be implemented as part of efforts to improve quality of maternity care. 

The current COVID-19 pandemic is no exception. 

WHO Clinical management of COVID-19: interim guidance strongly recommends that all pregnant women, including those with suspected, probable or confirmed COVID-19, have access to a companion of choice during labour and childbirth.

Again and again, research shows, that women greatly value and benefit from the presence of someone they trust during labour and childbirth.  A companion of choice can give support in practical and emotional ways. 

They can bridge communication gaps between a woman in labour and the healthcare workers around her, offer massage or hand-holding to help relieve pain, and provide reassurance to help her feel in control. As an advocate, a labour companion can witness and safeguard against mistreatment or neglect.   

The benefits of labour companionship can also include shorter length of time in labour, decreased caesarean section and more positive health indicators for babies in the first five minutes after birth.”

Please see this link to the full article, https://www.who.int/news/item/09-09-2020-every-woman-s-right-to-a-companion-of-choice-during-childbirth

Furthermore, and as you will know, human rights require public bodies to treat people with dignity and respect and to consult them about decisions and respecting their choices. Human rights law give expectant mums the right to receive maternity care, to make their own choices about their care and to be given standards of care that respect their dignity and autonomy as human beings. 

The Human Rights (Bailiwick of Guernsey) Law came into effect on 1st September 2006.The law incorporates the provisions set out in the European Convention on Human Rights into Bailiwick law. It also makes it unlawful for a public authority to act in a way which clashes with those provisions. The law ensures that everyone in the Bailiwick is entitled to the fundamental rights and freedoms of the European Convention on Human Rights.

The fundamental human rights values of dignity, autonomy and equality are often relevant to the way a woman is treated during pregnancy and childbirth. Failure to provide adequate maternity care, lack of respect for women’s dignity, invasions of privacy, procedures carried out without consent, failure to provide adequate pain relief without medical contraindication, and lack of respect for women’s choices about where and how a birth takes place, may all violate human rights and can lead to women feeling degraded and dehumanised.

Article 8 of the European Convention guarantees the right to private life, which the courts have interpreted to include the right to physical autonomy and integrity. The European Court of Human Rights has held that the right to private life includes a right for women to make choices about the circumstances in which they give birth. The separation of either parent from their newly born child also constitutes an interference with their (and their child’s) rights under this article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. 

Birthrights, a UK based organisation, protecting human rights in childbirth published legal advice on 12 February 2021, which states that, “The separation of either parent from their newly born child constitutes an interference with their (and their child’s) rights under article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. The circumstances of giving birth also engage the rights of the parents and the child under article 8.4. It is therefore wrong in law to suggest that “legislation” requires all parents who test positive for COVID-19 to self-isolate at all times. Being present during childbirth and at the neonatal stage may be necessary for the purposes of “medical assistance” or it may be necessary, depending on the facts of an individual case, to facilitate the exercise of article 8 rights.” JUDE BUNTING DANIEL CLARKE Doughty Street Chambers 29th January 2021. 

You can view the letter here: https://www.birthrights.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Note-on-lawfulness-of-NHSE-Guidance-sent-to-client-09.02.2021.pdf

The WHO believes “high quality care” should encompass both service delivery and the woman’s experience: “Our new recommendations on intrapartum care set the global standard on the provision and experience of care during birth. The guidelines place the woman and her baby at the centre of the care model, to achieve the best possible physical, emotional and psychological outcomes.

Critical components of a woman-centred approach include: avoiding unnecessary medical interventions, encouraging women to move around freely during early labour, allowing them to choose their birth position and have a companion of their choice by their side. It also means ensuring privacy and confidentially and providing adequate information about pain relief.”

See more here, https://www.who.int/mediacentre/commentaries/2018/having-a-healthy-baby/en/

It shouldn’t even be a matter of law or human rights or the WHO’s guidance on childbirth, it should be a matter of compassion and respect. Any woman who has experienced Caesarean Section will know how important it is to have a birth companion present.  I have experienced two Caesarean Sections, one planned due to pregnancy complications and another emergency, due to early rupture of waters and perceived risk of infection. 

Like many, my partner and I conceived through IVF, suffering loss in the process. We also experienced the trauma of early pregnancy bleeding and pregnancy complications so that by the time of the birth, we had been on a stressful and traumatic journey to parenthood together and we were keen to see that through to fruition together. We are not unlike many other couples, the journey to conception can be challenging, and there are often losses and complications along the way.

Birth is also not without its challenges, not least because of inherent fear of stillbirth but because of the current-medicalised nature of birth and the fear that accompanies a clinical hospital environment. During my first pregnancy, due to complications with the placenta, there was a risk that I would require a general anaesthetic. This notion caused me to feel extremely stressed because both my partner and I wanted to be present at the birth of our firstborn and be a family together - finally. 

Fortunately a general anaesthetic was not required but I spent the first part of the procedure shaking uncontrollably (and yet trying to keep still for the spinal block), surrounded by people I didn’t know, in a clinical theatre that I had never seen before, with bright lights and noise, wearing only a thin hospital gown to protect what was left of my modesty. This was not the environment that I had wanted for birth.

I cannot express the relief I felt when my partner was finally admitted to theatre and stood beside me holding my shaking hand. He was not only a source of much comfort as my baby was essentially cut from me, but he was able to reveal the sex and be part of the ‘birthing process’, an experience neither of us will ever forget – we have the photos if we do, because we were permitted an iPad in theatre. He was also able to hold his son while my low blood pressure was stabilised, and be with me for the duration of time spent in recovery.

To have expected me to do this on my own, and denied my partner the right to be with us as a family and welcome his son into the world would have been cruel and unforgivable. Yet here in Guernsey we are expecting women to do this during the stress of lockdown too. 

The strict new rules that have been implemented at the PEH further compound this, which will undoubtably cause more women to require medical intervention than may otherwise have been necessary, resulting in a higher incidence of Caesarean section and more partners missing the birth of their babies. 

Surely birth partners in full PPE, having taken a Covid test every 96 hours prior to birth, and self-isolated, should pose no greater risk than theatre staff and midwives who are not subject to the self-isolation rules prior to birth. Further, the argument that theatre staff shouldn’t be burdened with caring for a partner is nonsense; they do this ordinarily (together with a  midwife and the kindness of the anaesthetist in my case) so what difference does it make now. 

There is a thin line between protecting the vulnerable and creating greater vulnerability. In the CCA’s effort to protect the elderly and most vulnerable from death through COVID-19 and to ensure that the medical services are not overrun, CCA is overlooking the vulnerability of expectant mums and the increased risk of birth trauma and resulting impact on mother, partner and baby post-partum, leading to mental, emotional and psychological issues at a later date. This is not a time to be ‘selling out’ on the next generation.

Taking a partner to an antenatal scan

I am also concerned that the current strict rules in place in the maternity unit resulting in expectant mums not able to take partners with them for antenatal scans are infringing on their rights.

Albeit in the UK, Birthrights has received legal advice stating that maternity services which prevent partners from attending scans, and don’t allow partners to be involved in the appointment remotely, may be acting unlawfully and unreasonably.

This legal advice prepared by Shu Shin Luh of Doughty Street Chambers with support from Irwin Mitchell concludes that “a blanket prohibition on the use of streaming or recording during antenatal appointments in circumstances where the support partner is unable to attend in-person with a pregnant woman is likely to be unlawful, discriminatory and violate both Articles 8 and 14 of the European Convention on Human Rights.”

It makes clear that “there is a well-established body of clinical evidence showing that partner participation in antenatal appointments and through a woman’s pregnancy improves maternal and foetal health.”

The advice mentions that there is compelling evidence that having a support partner present at antenatal appointments improves maternal and foetal outcomes for pregnant women, a finding backed by clinical studies and by the WHO, even in the context of the pandemic; and evidence of potential harm and risk of harm to pregnant women and their families of not facilitating partner participation at important clinical junctures of a woman’s pregnancy journey. 

Furthermore, the advice stipulates that, “the outright refusal to make arrangements to enable pregnant women to involve their partners in the antenatal appointments, either by streaming or recording the appointments would, in my view, engage Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights (“ECHR”) and the right to of both parents’ to their private and family life. It is my view that it will be difficult to identify any clear or proportionate justification for taking such extreme measures, particularly given strong policy reasons for encouraging and facilitating partner attendance as clinically beneficial to maternal and foetal health.” SHU SHIN LUH Doughty Street Chambers, 21 January 2021. 

You can read the full advice here https://www.birthrights.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/210114-Birthrights.Advice-filming-at-scans.pdf and the article from Birthright here https://www.birthrights.org.uk/2021/01/31/partners-should-be-able-to-join-maternity-scans-remotely-say-lawyers/. 

Again, perhaps it’s not until you have been an expectant mum attending a scan with a history of fertility and pregnancy complications that you appreciate the need for a partner to be present. 

Having experienced early pregnancy bleeding, I was extremely nervous attending the 12 weeks scans during both pregnancies, this after early pregnancy scans to confirm IVF pregnancy and continuation of pregnancy despite bleeding. There is a degree of ‘not being able to rest easily’ until passing 12-week scan threshold, when rates of miscarriage decrease, and expectant mums feel at greater ease of revealing the pregnancy publicly. 

The 20-week scan was equally as nerve racking if not more so, because at this scan the foetus is checked for visible abnormality. The sex of the foetus can also be revealed. It was at this scan that a problem with the placenta was identified and this required a transvaginal ultrasound, where a probe was inserted into the body. Regardless of any previous sexual trauma, it can be a stressful experience and I would have felt desperately uncomfortable having this transvaginal scan conducted without my partner being present in the room with me.  

Not only that but many women have suffered miscarriage and are highly stressed ahead of any scan. My friend who is 20-weeks pregnant attended a scan on her own here in Guernsey last week, this after attending a 12-week scan during her first pregnancy and discovering that there was no heartbeat. To have expected her to attend a 20-week scan on her own, without her partner, to check for birth abnormalities, after having suffered a miscarriage during her first pregnancy and this revealed to her at a scan is inherently cruel.

She asked the sonographer if she could take a video for her partner, this being their first baby together and possibly their only child, but this was denied. A question was raised in Monday’s States briefing about the reason women cannot take videos of scans to share with their partners but this went unanswered. I suspect it is to do with litigation, but this should not prevent the live streaming of scans to partners at home.

Deputy Al Brouard is quoted in the Guernsey Press on Monday 15th February 2021 as saying: “They (the medical staff) are 100% committed to helping women and families have the best birthing experience possible, whatever the circumstances”. I don’t agree with him and I am both ashamed with, and disappointed, at the States of Guernsey and their decision to deny women the opportunity to take a partner with them during Caesarean Section and antenatal scan. 

I believe that the States of Guernsey has a moral obligation as much as a legal duty, to show greater compassion towards the rights of women, men and families when it comes to medical care during pregnancy and birth regardless of Covid-19 and lockdown. I hope that you will reconsider the current rules and extend an apology to those women, men and families who have been denied the best birthing experience possible during lockdown on Guernsey. 

Many thanks and best wishes

Emma

Tārā as the guiding star: the menstrual cycle

This week’s Mahāvidyā, is Tārā. She is the great wisdom goddess, whose name literally means ‘star’. She is the protectress of navigation and earthly travel, as well as spiritual travel along the path to evolution, and fulfilment and enlightenment, offering the liberating grace of divine transcendence.

In this way, Tārā is a beautifully light-fuelled reminder of the ultimate direction and meaning of all our lives, as we are each our own embodied star, containing within us the wisdom to know the direction of our path, and of our time here on Planet Earth, a beacon upon ourselves 

In the Buddhist tradition, there are a number of different forms of Tārā although her most recognised quality is that of beneficence and compassion. She is by far the most popular and greatest deity within Tibetan tantric Buddhism, worshipped throughout Nepal, Tibet and South-East Asia, and recognised as the ‘mother’, related to the very earliest worship of our Mother God.

However from a Hindu Tantric perspective, Tārā has a fierceness and capacity for violence which is similar to Kālī. She is one of the ten Mahāvidyās, which translates into English as one of the great revelations or manifestation. In Tantrism, there is the idea that the Divine Feminine is the supreme cosmic force in the universe equivalent to Brahman.  

An important aspect from the Mahāvidyā perspective is that Devi or the Great Goddess, has a tendency to manifest herself in a variety of forms so as to protect cosmic stability. The ten Mahāvidyās represent a common way of expressing the idea that goddesses can take many different forms. 

The common theme underpinning all this, is a recognition that our perceived world of dualities – male/female, pure/impure, sun/moon, good/evil, microcosm/macrocosm etc is a false one. For seekers, to know true reality is to reach a state of being where all opposites unite. 

As you may know from an earlier blog post, Kālī personifies the highest reality and ultimate truth. Blue as the sky, and equally all encompassing, to the seeker, the terrible Kālī is also the benevolent mother, the destroyer of false notions and beliefs and the primordial power that moves the universe. All the other deities arise and dissolve in her. 

Among the other mahāvidyās, none is as close to Kālī in spirit and appearance as Tārā. Second only in importance to Kālī in her importance, but like Kālī she carries deadly weapons and stands triumphantly upon the dead body of Śiva. As Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes, “Tārā has a paler complexion, but she is every bit as fierce. I understand this fierceness to be a strong compassion, a love that has the capacity to bestow deep liberation”.

The siddhi (magical power) that Uma associates with Tārā is “of trust in change as a way to be carried through difficulty”. The root syllable of Tārā’s name, tr, means to take across, and the feeling of her power is that it can carry us over and through challenge, but only if we give ourselves up to it. This is the central revelation of the siddhi of menstrual cycle awareness: that if we honour and respect the forces of change that work within us through the menstrual cycle, then what we learn about this cycle carries us through the challenges of all other cycles of change. Meeting the challenges of our experience of the menstrual cycle supports our capacity to embrace change in all other dimensions of our lives. 

Tārā’s siddhi has the capacity to carry us through the mire and confusion of suffering and difficulty to reach the solid ground of wisdom and knowledge. Tārā is also, like Kālī, a great goddess of transformation. She is the first transformation of Kālī, the primary manifestation of the force of change at work. The notion of transformation is central to the spiritualised understanding of the power of the menstrual cycle: for it is through an acceptance and understanding of the rhythms of the our own monthly cycle that we are able to accept the transformative wisdom which each of these experiences has to offer us. 

If, however, we do not take the opportunity (or are denied the awareness that makes such acceptance  and intimate knowledge possible), then the great gift of cyclical knowledge and its capacity to transform us becomes a curse. Without the siddhi of understanding and acceptance which Tārā offers us, then the greatest female siddhi of them all becomes nothing but a heavy burden. For to encounter menstrual cycles without awareness of the capacity for deep wisdom that resides within them becomes an experience of difficulty and challenge that seems to have no point, a focus of resentment, annoyance, embarrassment and shame.”

It’s in this way that we can use conscious menstruation as a spiritual practice, understanding more of the siddhi of transformation that Tārā can bring. I have been experiencing this for myself for a number of years now. It wasn’t that I was unaware of my menstrual cycle prior to this, in many respects it was my menstrual cycle and PMS that played a central role in bringing me to yoga and waking me up, but that I hadn’t worked with it as a potential practice for spiritual liberation and opportunity to access deeper wisdom. 

My menstrual cycle used to be a source of much suffering and misery. Over the first two weeks of my cycle, the follicular stage, during the time between menses and ovulation I would feel great, have lots of energy and feel relatively confident and enthusiastic about life. But then the luteal phase would arrive from post-ovulation to menses and it would be like a light switch being turned off, all of a sudden I would be flung into the darkness of depression, and lose interest and enthusiasm in life.

The closer towards menses the worse I would feel; not only depressed but also anxious, sensitive to criticism, very critical about everything, especially myself, irrationally angry, ‘flying off the handle’ at the smallest things, weepy, bloated and completely uncomfortable in my own skin. It was a really horrible experience that made me loathe the menstrual cycle and its resulting PMS (as my experience was later diagnosed). 

It was the depression that brought me to yoga and this took me to Carol Champion, a Guernsey-based nutritionist who helped me to work out the link between the intensity of the depression and my menstrual cycle, a symptom of PMS. While Carol helped me enormously, my ongoing fascination with PMS and my quest to ‘rid myself of it’ took me to Ayurveda and this took me to Uma and onto Code Red by Lisa Lister, and I haven’t looked back since.

What I didn’t know back then, was that our menstrual cycle helps us to know more of the truth of ourselves. As Dr Christiane Northrup writes, “The menstrual cycle is the most basic, earthy cycle we have. Our blood is our connection to the archetypal feminine. The macrocosmic cycles of nature, the waxing and waning, the ebb and flow of the tides and the changes of the seasons, are reflected on a smaller scale in the menstrual cycle of the individual female body. The monthly ripening of an egg and subsequent pregnancy or release of menstrual blood mirror the process of creation as it occurs not only in nature, unconsciously, but in human endeavor. In many cultures, the menstrual cycle has been viewed as sacred.”

Our menstrual cycle can show us when we are living out of alignment with our truth. Me not feeling comfortable within my own skin those last two weeks of my cycle was indicative of my life at that time. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin generally because I was living a life that didn’t fit. I was working in a job I hated, I was in denial of an eating disorder, I was smoking cannabis and endless cigarettes and I was drinking far too much wine and giving myself a bloody hard time about all of it, leaving me feeling depressed, anxious and full of hatred for self.

Then yoga came along, quickly followed by healthy eating and Reiki and life changed as I changed my relationship with myself and vice versa.  The bouts of depression eased as I discovered more of my heart and started listening as my soul was also allowed expression. The symptoms of PMS eased too, but I kept overlooking the cyclical nature of what it means to be a women and I was constantly trying to ‘heal’ and ‘fix’ the second half of my cycle, because it made me feel ‘darker and edgier’ than the first half.

It wasn’t until much later when I discovered menstruation consciousness as a spiritual practice that I realised that the different stages of the menstrual cycle are not meant to be the same!   We women are cyclical in nature, like the moon, we have our own waxing and waning, and the more I connected with the moon, the more I connected with my menstrual cycle and the waxing and waning journey it took me on.

I stopped trying to ‘fix’ my cycle and learned to listen to it instead, to be with it, and appreciate the wisdom it was imparting, the manner in which it was highlighting where I was out of alignment with my truth, or where I was living my life out of balance, selling out on myself, stepping too much into my masculine energy again, doing too much, being too much of, well, everything and overlooking the subtleties of other ways of being, or other interests and passions awaiting discovery if only I might get out of my own way!

This wasn’t to deny then the full range of emotions that I might feel during my cycle, the last two weeks especially, but to better understand, interpret and absolutely allow them. This has been key. Whereas once I turned away from the emotional intensity of the last week of my cycle particularly, now I turn into it, because I know that it is potentially the most informative and transformative moment of the entire cycle. 

As Dr Christiance Northrup writes: “Since our culture generally appreciates only what we can understand rationally, many women tend to block at every opportunity the flow of unconscious “lunar” information that comes to them premenstrually or during their menstrual cycle. Lunar information is reflective and intuitive. It comes to us in our dreams, our emotions, and our hungers. It comes under cover of darkness.

When we routinely block the information that is coming to us in the second half of our menstrual cycles, it has no choice but to come back as PMS or menopausal madness, in the same way that our other feelings and bodily symptoms, if ignored, often result in illness.

The luteal phase, from ovulation until the onset of menstruation, is when women are most in tune with their inner knowing and with what isn’t working in their lives.

Studies have shown that women’s dreams are more frequent and often more vivid during the premenstrual and menstrual phases of their cycles. Premenstrually, the “veil” between the worlds of the seen and unseen, the conscious and the unconscious, is much thinner.

We have access to parts of our often unconscious selves that are less available to us at all other times of the month. In fact, it has been shown experimentally that the right hemisphere of the brain—the part associated with intuitive knowing—becomes more active premenstrually, while the left hemisphere becomes less active.

Interestingly enough, communication between the two hemispheres may be increased as well. The premenstrual phase is therefore a time when we have greater access to our magic—our ability to recognize and transform the more difficult and painful areas of our lives.

Premenstrually, we are quite naturally more in tune with what is most meaningful in our lives. We’re more apt to cry—but our tears are always related to something that holds meaning for us. Years of personal and clinical experience have taught me that the painful or uncomfortable issues that arise premenstrually are always real and must be addressed.

I pay attention in this later stage of my cycle. I notice how I have a rush of energy five days or so before menses, like I did the day before my contractions started for my youngest son (my first born was birthed by Caesarean Section prior to contraction due to full grade placenta previa), as if allowing me to tidy up things. Then I notice how my energy wanes, as if it has been sucked from me, so that I do not feel to rush around and instead there is a pull to retreat from the world as I also become more critical of the state of the world I find myself living in.

This is not necessarily an easy time for my partner because I become more critical of everything and my tendencies towards cleanliness of my immediate environment become more pronounced. Fortunately I’m rarely critical to the self anymore and the anger to self has dropped away. The fire inside me still burns strongly in me though at this time, lots of pitta, resulting in less tolerance, less patience and I am more likely to snap far quicker than I might do ordinarily – I might have a ‘sharper’ tongue too, and my temperature rises, resulting in a more unsettled night’s sleep and looser stools. 

I also become more opinionated and vocal about issues close to my heart. I feel much more creative too and tend to experience an overwhelming need to write. I can write prolifically during this time too, I’m on my second blog post of the day during this time, for example, having already edited a bit of my book – the enhanced critical eye and pickiness has its benefits as I can edit much more easily, I’m more certain, less wishy washy, it’s a good time for decisions, the words come flow more easily (at least if I am in the zone – my cycle will tell me if I am not!). 

In many respects my passion and my fierceness, and the fieriness that underpins this, reminiscent of Tārā and her fierceness, which Uma explains as a strong compassion, a love that sets us free, defines this period of my cycle. Don’t mess with me! I might feel increasingly vulnerable, to the extent that I might rather not have to stand in front of students and teach yoga or Reiki if I have the choice, but I will stand up for what I believe in, and this from a place of compassion and love. 

I surprise myself sometimes, because I don’t realise until that time the extent to which I feel passionate about something, such as women’s rights to birth with a partner of choice as revealed itself to me this latter part of cycle, and women’s relationship to menstruation and the need for more women to recognise that menstruation consciousness can be used as a for of spiritual practice, rather than feared through shame, embarrassment or any of the myriad of negative conditioning that we have absorbed from society. 

But this is the thing about this stage of our cycle. The more we pay attention, the more we come to know what really makes us who we are, and where we need to be placing our energy and what needs expression and/or healing. The dark moon day, the day before menses, this is a gift, as if the veil between the worlds is lifted, there is always some insight we may receive,  transformative potential if we can interpret it, and perhaps it doesn’t matter if we can’t, because it will likely unfold anyway, once we have started to become more open and receptive to it, friendlier then. Pay attention!

Notice the moon cycle too and how aligned or out of aligned your cycle is with this. Everyone’s cycle will have a different duration, those like me who are more pitta orientated will have a more regular cycle that lasts 28-29 days, but someone who is more vata orientated will likely experience an irregular cycle and those kapha orientated will have a slightly longer cycle. It’s the same with bleeding, depending on Ayurvedic constitution, the consistency and length of menses will be different, light and short for vata, initially heavy then lighter, 5 days for pitta and heavier 5-7 days for kapha. You’ll be more prone to weepiness and emotional outbursts if vata, anger and aggressiveness if pitta and lethargy and sleepiness if kapha.

Each phase of the menstrual cycle has a different Ayurvedic quality to it too. The vata phase lasts from approximately day 1-5 (from the first day of bleeding). The kapha phase lasts from the end of bleeding until ovulation (approx. days 5-14) The pitta phase lasts from ovulation until your period starts (days 14-18). This can really help you to understand your dosha, your fault, as you notice how each phase of the cycle affects you from an Ayurvedic perspective. If your pitta is out of balance, as mine was, for example, then you’ll feel excess fire, anger and aggressiveness in the pre-menstrual stage.

When I was paying particular attention to my menstrual cycle in preparation for IVF, I was absolutely delighted when my ovulation (albeit medically created through the use of IVF drugs) coincided with the full moon, and we conceived both our boys from this full moon cycle. There is a natural affinity between the ‘full moon’ and the ‘fullness’ of eggs at ovulation. Studies suggest that more women ovulate at the full moon than they do at the new moon as if proving the relationship between the menstrual cycle and the moon - so important to know this kind of stuff if you are trying to conceive. Even though my cycle is not the 29.5 days of the moon cycle, I tend to bleed on the new moon. I know that I need to pay extra attention if this alignment shifts dramatically.

I could write extensively about the menstrual cycle as you can probably tell, how studies have found that women who work in strip bars and at trucking stops get given more tips when they are ovulating, as our bodies secrete pheromones into the air that increase our sexual attractiveness to others, and how our ‘ripeness’ make us feel more attractive and contented within ourselves and therefore more attractive to others. 

I could also write about the impact of fear and ignorance on our menstrual cycles and this siddhi. How women will willingly spend decades of their lives taking synthetic contraceptive pills or using other contraceptive implants that not only reduce their sexual response but can cause long-term health problems (think  migraine, breast cancer, susceptibility to stroke, bone density loss etc.) not to mention compromising natural fertility (many realise too late). As Uma says, “these are all desperate choices born out of fears that there are no other options”.

The point is though, that without awareness of the menstrual cycle we run the risk of dismissing the great siddhi that Tārā has to offer us. Tārā is an inspiration and our guide on the complex path of spiritual freedom. One of her cosmic attributes is to  save us or free us from the different troubles we have to face in life. She doesn’t help us to destroy these obstacles but to sublimate them and successfully overcome them, gaining greater wisdom in the process. 

In other words, Tārā helps us transcend all the inferior and ignoble aspects of our life, helping us to connect with higher aspects of self and live from this elevated perspective. In the process we are not only saved from imminent danger, of lower energies and lives that don’t fit, but she also offers us the possibility of accessing elevated and more aligned levels of spirituality. Furthermore, as the greatest obstacle to overcome is our mind itself, Tārā helps us go beyond the fluctuations and limitations of this, so that we may see ourselves and life more clearly. 

As Uma writes, “Thankfully, many women now are lifting ‘the curse’ and embracing conscious menstrual experience as a route to a spiritual wisdom that liberates feminine experience from the limitations of patriarchal cultural expectations. We can use the practice of womb yoga [or Yoni Yoga!] to address ancestral repetitions of suffering and shame around menstruation, and we can use breath, movement and awareness practice to embrace the flow if the blees, to alleviate the physical and emotional pain and suffering that may be associatedwith our experience of menstruation”. She’s right! There’s no turning back once you begin,  the path, the star, becomes brighter and we transform into more than we could ever imagine!

*If you are curious to learn more, then I highly recommend reading Code Red, by Lisa Lister, Yoni Shakti by Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Dr Christiane Northrup. Also the work of Alexandra Pope and the Red School is valued by others.

Freedom of choice for birth in Guernsey

In Guernsey, during lockdown, pregnant women are now denied the opportunity to take a birthing partner with them when they go to theatre for a Caesarean -Section. To me this is inherently cruel and has elements of patriarchy about it.

Having had two Caesarean Sections myself I am very aware that the experience can be extremely scary and traumatic. My first pregnancy brought with it complications, which meant I had to have a planned Caesarean Section. I was told repeatedly that due to the complications there was a risk that I might require a general anaesthetic resulting in neither E or I witnessing the birth of our baby. 

This troubled me endlessly, and when it came to being administered the spinal block I was shaking with fear and had to make a real effort to keep myself still. I cannot tell you the relief when E appeared in theatre, not least to hold my hand and give me strength while the procedure was taking place, and to reveal the sex of our son, but in recovery afterwards when my blood pressure was unstable and of which I now have very little memory.

My second Caesarean Section was less stressful and much more of the spiritual experience that I had hoped birth might be. Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli in her amazing book Yoni Shakti talks about birth as being the principle siddhi, or magical power, that allows the greatest spiritual transformation of all the siddhis, including menstruation, miscarriage, lactation etc if the women is conscious to it. 

Accessing the spiritually transformative experience of birth was extremely important to me. I wanted to be conscious of the process, less restricted by fear, as I had been during my first birth experience. I had hoped for a home birth where I might have been able to drop into the space of birth more easily, but this was not my path and I ended up with an emergency Caesarean Section, six weeks earlier than my son’s due date due, due to my waters breaking early. You can read all about this in Dancing with the Moon. 

It was still a profound spiritual experience for me as I surrendered to it in a way that I had not been able to do during the birth of my eldest son. It helped enormously to me that E was able to join me in theatre and that I did not have to experience the fear that I had felt during the first Caesarean Section, in that he might not be able to join me. I was able to approach theatre in a far calmer and more peaceful state of mind. 

Now, here in Guernsey, because of the alleged additional risk of COVID, birthing partners are no longer able to accompany their birthing mums to theatre. This sounds like a fundamental loss of human right for women to choose who they might have with them at what might well be a decisive turning point in their life. For first time mum’s this is a life changing event, as they transition from maiden to motherhood and absolutely they should be supported during this emotionally charged time by partners if they choose.

To me, this loss of choice, overlooks and dismisses the emotional, mental and spiritual needs of women, denoting the birth experience to nothing more than a surgical procedure. It also disempowers women and removes their voice. I know that many have complained and attempted to find a solution but they are repeatedly told that this is the way, that there is no other option available to them.

Pregnant women are in a vulnerable position throughout their pregnancy, continuously reminded by the medical profession of the inherent risks of both pregnancy and birth to the extent that they can then be easily manipulated and controlled through fear. In the process this denies them their own wisdom, which is potentially much easier to access than it might usually be because of the inherent spiritual experience of pregnancy and birth.

 The medical-decided risk of pregnancy and birth is evaluated in a way that overlooks this spiritual wisdom, and the mental and emotional needs of women. I totally appreciate that the outcome of a healthy birthed baby is essential, but at what cost to women? In Guernsey we seem hell bent on controlling through fear, which has elements of patriarchy to it, men, generally, making decisions about women’s lives and making them powerfulness to it.

A letter I wrote about this was published in the Guernsey Press on Saturday 6 February, and the very next day an article appeared on The States of Guernsey website entitled “First-time mum that [sic] underwent C-Section during lockdown is aiming to reassure expectant parents”. I cannot claim that this arose as a result of my letter, as I know this is a hot topic on social media and the States have been sent a number of letters and requests for a change of stance on Caesarean Section protocol during lockdown, but I was humoured by the timing.

I was concerned too, that the States felt the need to try to reassure parents, knowing full well that their decision has not been taken lightly by those affected. And they will be affected. What women do not need as they approach birth is any additional stress and emotional strain, for this will likely impact on their ability to birth vaginally and result in the one thing they will be keen to avoid, namely a Caesearn Section under lockdown. 

There are broader issues here though, around human rights. During childbirth, every woman has a right to:

·       safe and appropriate maternity care that respects her dignity;

·       privacy and confidentiality;

·       make choices about her own pregnancy and childbirth;

·       equality and freedom from discrimination.

Can the States of Guernsey honestly say that they are allowing expectant mum’s their own choice about how she births during lockdown? 

In the article on the States of Guernsey website, Head of Maternity and Paediatrics, Annabel Nicholas, is quoted as saying, “We are so passionate about women and families having the best experience they can, whatever the circumstances”. This, after new mum, Mrs Cornes, is quoted as saying, “Any emergency and any unplanned C-section is scary, but it was even more so because of COVID. At 12am when I was being wheeled down both Jake and I were crying…”. Is this really an example of the States of Guernsey offering women and families the best birth experience they can, whatever the circumstances? Is this allowing expectant mum’s their own choice?

As written in my second letter to the States of Guernsey, I’m both disappointed with, and ashamed at, their decision to once again overlook the mental, emotional and spiritual needs of birthing women, let alone their birthing partners. We’re told repeatedly that the decision has been made for safety reasons and yet given that we now have thorough and rigorous testing facilities in place, it seems crazy that this cannot be extended to birthing partners to enable them to support expectant mums at a crucial and life changing time. 

Surely if expectant mum and birthing partner self-isolate prior to the birth and are tested frequently, there should be no reason why the partner, in full PPE, should be any greater risk than one of the theatre staff. This overzealous decision to separate birthing mums from their birth partners in theatre is inherently cruel and I hope those in ‘power’ come to their senses soon. 

And really that’s the crux of the matter, this question over power, that weaves it’s way, even now, through our lives as women living in the 21st century. There are much broader issues at play, not only human rights and the fear and risk-based nature of allopathic care, reducing birth to nothing more than a surgical procedure, but what it means to be a women, and the choices available to us in relation to our body and our experience of these deeply feminine and life changing moments of our life.

All women should have a human right to be accompanied by their choice in birthing partner at the birth of their baby and Guernsey needs to wake up and start giving pregnant women a little more respect, empowering her, not taking her power away, regardless of the external circumstances and the state of the world at that time. 

**Those of you in Guernsey who feel a similar way, it would be wonderful if you would find them courage to give voice to this, either by writing to your local deputy, the States of Guernsey and/or the Guernsey Press. Also sharing on social media. Women need to reclaim their voice and be given back their right to choice.

Bring Kālī into our lives: the power of change and time

There is no doubt that I lost some of my grounding last week, but I have found the earth again and with that I have felt drawn back to Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli’s work and to the Goddess. Not that they went anywhere, just that the calling has been greater this last few days.

I have it in my mind that over lockdown and through the Yoni Yoga classes, I would like to share more on the Daśa Mahāvidyās, the ten great wisdom Goddesses, albeit I hope we might run out of time and lockdown won’t last for ten whole weeks… but one can never be sure! If there’s one thing Covid has taught me, it is to go with the flow and stop trying to make life certain and known!

It’s Kālī who I am especially drawn towards. She is the Queen amongst the wisdom goddesses and contains the whole circle of siddhis, or magical powers, within the reaches of her power. Acquiring a siddhi is a threshold between worldly and transcendental awareness, as a junction between the two and as a passing through, it is a kind of initiation.

Uma proposes that a women may encounter eight female siddhis in her life including:

·      The onset of menstruation at menarche

·      Menstrual cycles

·      Female orgasm

·      Pregnancy

·      Miscarriage

·      Labour and birth

·      Lactation

·      Menopause

Because the physical siddhis are naturally arising physical experiences, it is important to understand the difference between merely experiencing their physiological aspects as bodily functions, and recognising these experiences as potential siddhis. It is conscious recognition that transforms the physiological and physical experience into a siddhi. 

As Dr Christiane Northrup writes, “Unconscious biological instinct and biological instinct that is honed and refined by consciousness and choice are two different things”. Thus if women are able to relate to their emotional, physical and physiological experience in any of the above events as siddhis, or as sources of insight, wisdom and opportunities for spiritual expansion, then they will need to approach them with conscious awareness. 

This leads me to Kālī, the greatest of all powers, whose powers of transformation, liberation and destruction both contain and permeate the whole of life. The literal meaning of Kālī is time and she teaches us that time is an inescapable power. As Uma writes:

“Kālī is also time and change from the perspective of cyclical knowledge; for the way that time is measured out in women’s lives is through the repetition of cycles, each one the same yet different from those before and afterwards. When we place this powerful goddess as the protective entity around the cycles of our lives, we embrace the inevitability of chance as a potential for great wisdom and understanding. Kālī in her closeness to death and darkness, shows us the necessity for self-acceptance and surrender. Her mahā-siddhi, or great power, is the power that comes with acceptance of change, and the willingness to let go in order to grow.”

I feel that this is pertinent for us all now. This is a great time for change and for letting go. We were given the opportunity here in Guernsey during the lockdown in 2020 and the opportunity has come again. I really do feel that there is a significant power around us right now, a true opportunity for wisdom, insight, spiritual growth and raising of consciousness, if we are able to surrender into all that life is giving us rather than turning away from it.

As a true pitta kapha, I have always struggled to let go of things, of past experiences and of believing that things have to be a certain way. Perhaps it’s for this reason that I have been drawn to Kālī these last few days, because I know that this is absolutely a time of change, of letting go of the picture we have in our heads of how we think it should be, and opening ourselves up to something that has yet to be lived and experienced.

Uma continues, “At its most profound level, Kālī’s siddhi empowers us to drop the limitations of who we think we are in order to encounter the limitless potential of what we can become. Kālī invites us to surrender completely any ideas that come from a desire to fix or define our sense of identity. To access the unlimited powers of her siddhi requires that we allow a part of us to die, the part that most strenuously asserts that it is the very source of our identity: our idea of who we are”.

The idea of identity is a challenging one for us women, because the notion of what it is to be a woman have been manipulated and changed by patriarchy. I joined a series of lectures on goddess led by a high priestess of Glastonbury and I was amazed to see the way in which the depiction of women changed when patriarchy came in. Prior to patriarchy, images of women were drawn and carved with full breasts, hips and thighs and a soft belly – women were powerful for they created new life and these child-bearing aspects of her were revered and celebrated. Many of the images did not show her face, for this was not deemed important. 

Then patriarchy came in and the image of women changed. Now she was sexualised with pert breasts, now covered, seductively, and longer thinner limbs, a face and hair, a clothed body with none of the fullness that was evident in the early goddesses. Her power was taken away. The maiden was objectified by men, menstruation was seen as dirty and birth kept hidden, the mother was no longer revered for bringing new life into this world. The wise crone was no longer celebrated either, her wisdom lost.  

Even now, we expand a huge amount of energy on attempting to fight off the signs of ageing. Still society celebrates the body and face of the maiden. Women have a hard time transitioning from maiden to mother, not least because of the demands on, and changes to her body, coupled with the overwhelming reality of life lived with a new baby and the constant sleep deprivation and need for lactation, but because of the loss of identity living as we do in a society that still only values the maiden and her youthful beauty. 

 As Uma writes, “Whilst it is deeply frightening to let go of the idea that we can always appear to be a certain way, with the passage of time it is absolutely inevitable that Kālī’s power needs to be faced. Such is her power, that if we choose not to engage with its effects through conscious acceptance and willingness to surrender, it will get to us in the end through suffering, grief, bitterness and regret. In relation to the cycles of a woman’s life, what Kali siddhi offers us is the immense power to recognise that the only constant is change itself. In our youth, our menstrual cycle teaches us this lesson over and over again, and the sooner we wake up to what we are to learn, the sooner we are able to embrace our limitless power and potential to live life in freedom”.

It’s fascinating to me, because the menstrual cycle prepares us for the changes ahead, and for what it means to be a cyclical woman living in touch with our cyclical nature, if we choose. We are the micro of the macro and we wax and wane as the moon does too. My boys have a bonkers barometer for me, I’m more bonkers at certain parts of the moon cycle apparently! I’m no doubt more bonkers at certain parts of my own cycle too, and in the moments when I am encouraged to transition from one way of being to another, because it is always messy!

My yoga teacher always says that yoga is teaching us to die well. By that she means that our practice can give us the opportunity to cultivate the ability to let go with ease and grace. Our every practice is an opportunity for this. I clung to my vinyasa practice for many years, and the transition, the letting go, to something kinder and gentler and compassionate, more aligned with who I wanted to be, was tricky for me. My identity was tied up in my yoga practice and on what I felt it was giving me physically. 

But the process taught me to trust the practice, that this takes us from one way of being to another if we allow it. But more often than not, we cling on through fear of something, of having to go deeper often, of having to be honest with ourselves to the extent that we can no longer ignore that inner voice that knows that there is more to us than we are allowing, another identity if we can only get out of our own way and die to the world as we know it.

Life supports this process too if we allow it. Those shifts from one way of being to another, of maiden to motherhood and on to wise crone, from menstruation to menopause.  And those cycles from one identity to another, of one way of expressing ourselves in the world to another. But all of this with conscious awareness, of being open to life as it unfolds moment to moment.  

I feel that lockdown here in Guernsey, the virus then, the corona-virus (corona = crown) is bringing with it an opportunity for significant change, of spiritual growth and a shift in individual and collective consciousness. Not only is the wheel turning again as we move into Imbolc and the stirrings of spring, but there is a turning into something wiser and deeper and more authentic and real if we allow it. 

This is a time of conscious acceptance and surrendering, of letting go of who we think we are, and who we think we have been, to become the person we are now meant to be instead. We might not know what that means and how that looks, but we can take comfort in knowing that it will only ever be for our highest good.

If this resonates with you on any level, then call Kālī into your life, but be prepared. She is a force to be reckoned with, a power like no other. She is heavy so that the weight of her power can spiral out to influence the movement of every cycle. She is also the power of time and change, these being the only true constants. So we embrace all of this; we are like stars in the night sky that appear to be fixed but are in fact wheeling around in a constant heavenly dance of shifts and change.

In our practice, we encourage change. We settle into the watery element of the pelvis, spiralling and moving, as we go with the flow in the outer world too. We find our roots, that which holds us steady, and we find our heart too, and open this to the world as if the one and only thing we might ever do with our one life is take the risk and love and create, over and over again.