Overwhelm

Today I had a moment of overwhelm.

I felt the rage rising inside me and I heard a scream, it came from my mouth, but I didn’t recognise it as mine.

Not once, not twice, but three times. I felt like I was screaming for me and for all of humanity. This was a raw scream from a deep place that I didn’t even know existed and it surprised me.

I have been feeling this scream building the last few weeks, and as much as I’ve tried to scream, to clear my throat chakra, it felt forced and insincere. I tried the lion breath and some Vedic chanting too, hoping that this might clear the block, but alas, the feeling remained. 

But yesterday, there was a trigger, something small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things that happened, and all of a sudden I was filled with this overwhelming sense of frustration and anger at the pointlessness of it all. 

In that moment of madness, I felt done. Done with life. The fury was all consuming and hot, fury at the world, at humanity and at Planet Earth. How have we managed to create this collective disaster that is our current society all out of balance? Why is there so much pain and suffering? What is the point to it all?

The tears followed. Big and warm angry tears running down my cheeks and dropping onto the floor beneath me. I was so angry that I didn’t know what to do with myself, almost shaking with it. 

I remembered my breath and took big angry gulps of air. I roared.

Anyone would have thought me utterly mad. I felt mad! It was a release, that’s for sure, a healing crisis. It was very real, very present moment and very much a part of what has been building since the last eclipse.

We are awakening, as a collective. And there has to be significant letting go of the way that we think life should be lived, of what it looks like. We need to step out of our comfort zone and into the unknown, and establish a new way of living that better serves our future generations. My children and their children!

Of course the collective is influenced by the individual and so it is us, each of us, that actually needs to do the letting go, so that we positively impact the collective and all of society.

But letting go is difficult, and painful, because we have to let go of our pains and our traumas and all the stuff that we hold on to, which falsely defines who we are, and which prevents us from moving our lives forward. The letting go, sometimes means that we feel into our pain, and this discomfort is what prevents us letting go in the first place.

It’s been a fascinating and yet incredibly exhausting process, all this letting go these last few weeks. I mentioned this in my previous posting, but it’s like things have been popping up rather quickly, one layer after another, of stuff that I thought I had already worked through, and resolved, at least in my mind if not in my body. But clearly there’s more depth to this current healing process than I had recognised and the moon has been encouraging greater release.

So old stuff has come up from nowhere, like an old energy entering my life again, which has felt uncomfortable, because the resonance is all wrong, but there it is nonetheless, reminding me of a time gone by, a depression here, a disappointment there, a frustration here, an old behaviour pattern there, I even reached for my childhood teddy bear the other day, because inner child stuff has certainly been a part of the process.

When I stand back (if I can manage to stand back) then it’s really rather amazing, that we are being given this opportunity to clear out, on the autumn clear out, for the greater good of all humanity as humanity herself, with climate change concern ringing in our ears, giving us the perfect opportunity to make the collective shift that needs to be made.

Today seemed to bring all those old feelings together in one big surge, and threw in, just for good measure, that feeling of utter despair that comes with overwhelm. It’s a scary feeling, because while it is one of great potency for change, it can push people over the other edge, into a void from which you may never recover, numbing out on life as a result. 

I am aware that it is part of a process, of the breaking down of all that’s been, so that life can be recreated all over again. This is life, if we allow it. It moves through cycles. The opportunity to destroy and re-create are constants. We just need to learn to ride it, to be comfortable in the uncomfortableness of it all, of not knowing what it is that we need to destroy, and what might come into its place instead. 

I comfort myself by thinking about a river. How its course will often change, but how it just keeps flowing, sometimes turbulent, sometimes gentle, but one way or another, it does its thing, weaving its way to the sea, its journey’s end, and with that, a letting go of what it has once been. 

I know that I’m not alone, because whatever I am feeling, is felt within the collective, we are one, and because I have asked friends, and many are sharing this healing crisis and feelings of overwhelm.

Please be very gentle at this time and keep close to the land. Get in the sea if you can and keep clearing your energy.

There is an awful lot of fear out there. 

Climate change is now everywhere. Lots of people talking…let’s see how many do the walking. We’re very good at making excuses for maintaining our own status quo, and yet finding fault with how other people are adjusting to the need for a more sustainable way of living.

Fear separates communities, and it separates aspects of ourselves, so we must be careful not to buy into it. 

The antidote to fear is love. The world has only ever needed love, yet how many of us truly love? How many truly love themselves, let alone others? That is, without applying conditions, making it conditional.

I’m humoured by all the ‘sustainable business’ chatter that we’re also now hearing. I can’t help thinking that it is business that got us into this mess in the first place. Investopedia reads, “the term business also refers to the organised efforts and activities of individuals to produce and sell goods and services for a profit”. Business is ultimately about making profit and I can’t help thinking that until we reframe and re-define business, then nothing is going to change.

Sure there’s lots of people talking about sustainable business, but are they going to give up their bonuses and profit margin so that greater consideration can be given to the climate and to Mother Earth? Unlikely. Many will actually use the whole idea of ‘sustainability’ and ‘going green’ to profiteer even further, using it as a marketing tool to attract people to their business. Sorry, I’m feeling a bit cynical about it all!

No one really knows what we should be doing, or how we might positively shift the way that we are living. Not yet. But we will know. It’s just a matter of raising consciousness so that we have the awareness. And the only way we will do that collectively, is if we do the work on ourselves to raise our own consciousness, to love more, and let go of anything that prevents us from doing so. 

This happens in many different ways, sometimes life circumstances present opportunities to grow, through illness and trauma, and sometimes we just need to grasp the ball by the horns, so to speak, and do the inner work that is required of us, the universe and the moon will always support us.

 The calmness has returned now, and I have a strong sense that what is trying to breakthrough is the children; my children, your children, everyone’s children. They are our future and we need to become increasingly conscious of how we are treating them and the ‘food’ we are feeding them, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. I shall ponder anon and see what else materialises, as my children try to get my attention (the irony of it!).

If you feel a scream coming on, then go for it. It’s not as mad as it may seem, because it can really clear the energy. I’m not mad, honest, just sharing and opening myself to vulnerability, in the hope that this may help you too. 

New moon and Equinox shifting

We’ve a super new moon on Saturday and I don’t know about anyone else, but I am certainly feeling it. Phew.

Like treading through treacle.

Emotional treacle.

But at the same time, the speed at which things are ‘popping up’ and ‘popping out’ is pretty fast, and has been since the last full moon. 

Everyone says that the energy around an Equinox is fairly potent and the layers between the dimensions are relatively thin, and this is certainly my experience this Equinox.

All of nature is in flux, as the light decreases and the colours change and the relentless wind blows the old away. This change should be welcomed, for it is bringing with it a collective shift in perspective that is long overdue.

It’s easy to fight it, to cling on to what we know, because it is scary letting go into the unknown - how can we know that there is another, more aligned way of being, until we have experienced it. It’s a tricky one. 

Sometimes we don’t even realise we are fighting change, or clinging on to a version of ourselves that needs updating. We might have a sense that something is amiss, a depression, for example, or a feeling of weariness and heaviness, or an overwhelming need to scream (as if the scream itself may release something). Sometimes we might just feel as if we have outgrown ourselves.

When we finally let go – and the universe will provide opportunities for this – it can be such a relief, because all of a sudden the heaviness lifts and we experience a lighter and brighter perspective and version of ourselves that we hadn’t even known was there in the first place (this can be both exciting and slightly depressing with the recognition that there is always more potential that we may never realise in this lifetime). It’s as if the world itself has changed, and yet it’s just that we see things differently as our perspective shifts.

This might bring with it some challenges though, because while we may see things differently, those around us may not be party to the same vision. It takes courage to live from this new perspective, because there isn’t always a template. This can be scary, and can prevent us making the leap in the first place as fear might take hold.

However, there is nothing worse than living a life that no longer fits. The resistance and the fear of change becomes much more painful than the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies the surrendering in the first place. Yet many never make the leap, and numb out instead – there are many, many ways we can numb out, just think about it, we all have a go to numb-out-approach.

If there’s one thing yoga has given me (and it has given me many things) is the ability to become increasingly comfortable settling into the unknown. This is mainly because the practice itself leads us into the unknown, to those parts of ourselves that we might not yet know or that we have been resisting, or have been in denial of, or have rejected for some reason. Furthermore, it directs our lives in ways that we couldn’t ever have imagined, and all it asks of us in return is to keep surrendering and practising.

It’s this reason that many stop practising yoga, because it all becomes too confronting. Why look at ourselves honestly if that is going to make us feel uncomfortable? Isn’t it better to rest in ignorance, comfortably numb, drifting along? That approach has never worked for me, there is too much of a drive for the truth, however difficult that might be, but I appreciate that we are all different. 

Surrendering is also not easy. There’s no guide on how you might achieve this. Generally, life will provide an opportunity, the final straw, so that there is no choice but to let go, no more fighting. This summer I had that experience, as illness took hold and forced me to surrender to another way of being. It was much needed as the way I had been living was unsustainable and was no longer fitting. 

But I feel as if that process continues on, that while I might have felt a settling a few weeks ago now, I have been shaken up all over again by this energy that is whipping through our cottage and sending my youngest wild. There is more that needs to shift, I was only touching the sides previously, there has to be another, more sustainable way to live, one that is even more aligned to my truth.

It’s perhaps good timing (as these things tend to be) to find myself reading Simon Haas’ book about dharma and making enlightened choices, because in here, he shares this quote, which struck a chord with me:

 “The low minded person thinks in one way, speaks in another, and acts still differently; but the great soul, or Mahatma, says what he thinks, and does what he says.”

It’s this reason that I find Greta Thunberg so inspiring. Here is someone who is not only living her truth but speaking it too. Her speech to world leaders was genius because it cut right through our denial and said what many of us have been feeling:

 “You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. And yet I’m one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing. We are in the beginning of mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!

For more than 30 years, the science has been crystal clear. How dare you continue to look away and come here saying that you’re doing enough, when the politics and solutions needed are still nowhere in sight”.

Speaking and living our truth is something that keeps coming up, and this new moon is just accentuating it. It’s not easy because on some level this is tied into boundaries, and boundary work is definitely not without its challenges, simply because it asks us to take ourselves seriously, and this brings with it a need for a shift in perspective.

So here we are. 

Being asked to consider our truth, and to look at where our actions are out of kilter with this, and to consider our boundaries too. It’s in the field, we can’t escape it.

It’s noble work, and needed.

Underlying all this – before it all gets too heavy – is to acknowledge that essentially all is well. Mother Earth is supporting us from below and the universe from above, and the moon and everything else in between. We can feel gratitude, for there is much to celebrate – we are on the cusp of a significant moment of change.

Each of us has a role to play, and it’s important to remember this, because it can be easy to feel lonely and isolated, as if only we are going through this inner shift that needs to be made. It’s also important to acknowledge that we have our individual role to play – our authentic offering to the world that is aligned to our truth, not anyone else’s (this awareness should keep the ego in check and stop us feeling threatened by others).  

We are part of the collective and so any change or shift we experience will shift the collective consciousness too. This is exciting. It makes the need for inner work even more important, for we can literally shift the collective experience of life on Planet Earth. This is important to remember when we start to feel overwhelmed about the current state of the world affairs and wonder how we might ever be able to change it. Just do you work, make your changes and this will impact on the collective.

We’ve heard it a zillion times before, but the change has to begin with ourselves. We can faff around trying to change our outer world, but until we change the inner world then the change is only superficial. What to do?    

 The clarity may well come with this new moon. Opportunities to surrender may also arise. The weather is supporting this, so try and flow with it as the wind clears the cobwebs away, and the rain cleanses our energy. We may have a greater sense of our truth and how we might manifest this in the world, and we may also feel renewed gratitude.  Let’s see! 

Happy new moon!

Jill's green curry paste recipe without heat

Here is Jill’s version of the green curry paste she made in Chang Mai, Thailand on a cookery course, but without the heat, so is better for those who react to, or don’t like, chilli, or are on a Pitta-reducing diet.

Ingredients - for the paste

2 small shallots - chopped
A piece of fresh ginger (about thumb size) - chopped
2 or 3 lemongrass stalks - chopped
Fresh coriander - a handful including stalks
1 Kaffir lime - skin only (difficult to find in UK)
1 teaspoon roasted coriander seeds
1 teaspoon roasted cumin seeds
Twist of pepper
A large pinch of salt

You could add garlic but Jill chooses not to.

Put all ingredients into either a mini food processor or a pestle and mortar and grind until it looks like this :-

It is a rough paste.

To make the actual green curry

Use with a tin or two of coconut milk. Add chopped veg and chopped chicken (leave out chicken obviously if you are vegetarian or vegan), along with about 6 kaffir lime leaves that you have scrunched in your hand. Leave to simmer until veg/chicken are cooked, then add a shake of fish sauce and a small amount of palm sugar (or light brown sugar - 1/4 of teaspoon). Check seasoning and adjust as necessary. Add Thai basil just before serving if you can get hold of some.

It is very moorish!

Please be kind and gentle to the children!

Please, if your child is screaming and clinging to you when you drop to him or her off at pre-school or school, don’t shout at them!

There is a reason that a child screams and you screaming back at them, or losing your temper or getting cross or, even worse, threatening them, is not going to help, its just going to make their experience traumatic 

There is a reason that a child screams and clings to you when you try to leave them at pre-school or school. They’re scared! You’re putting them in the unknown, separating them from you, and they are rightly anxious and in need of your support and love, not your harsh words!

They trust you, you’re their stability and here you are, handing them over, into a situation, and with people, with whom they have no trust whatsoever. Who wouldn’t be scared?!

 Having had a child of my own suffer with separation anxiety both at pre-school and school, I know only too well how distressing it is for both parent and child, but I also know deep in my heart that losing it with them (or telling them you are going to lose it with them, as I heard one mother tell her distressed and screaming son in the playground at school drop off this morning) is not going to solve the problem. All it is going to do is harden your child to this world, scar their heart and harm their soul.

 Why is it that adults feel that they can impose their will over their children, and do so with harsh words and brute force? To me, this is all that is wrong in this world. That even as parents we can’t just be kind and gentle to those we love the most and are meant to be looking after, and caring for, in this world.

Listen to your child. Why is he or she screaming? Take a moment to think which of their needs is not being met. What is it that they are trying to tell you? Sure, it can be extremely confronting to consider the manner in which your actions might have added to your child’s distress at being separated from you in the first place (have you been giving them enough attention and attending to their emotional needs, for example), but better to do this than just yell at them as if it is all their fault (they’re children!).

There is such a pressure in this world to conform to society’s expectations, and to promote this need for separation as if that is a good thing. What’s good about separating new-born babies from their mothers immediately following birth and popping them in plastic boxes albeit by your hospital bed, or in cots in another room all on their own at home, for example? Why the need to stop breastfeeding babies simply because of working commitments or societal norms, whether the little thing is ready or not.

On it goes, the pressure to get your child sleeping through the night so that you ignore their cries and let them, ‘cry it out’ as if that’s a good thing, imposing your will over them, when all their little hearts want is some comfort in the middle of the night, when it’s dark and they have woken scared, or perhaps hungry, and are desperate for another heart to be held against. But no, you ignore their cries because that is what you are meant to do because other member of society say so, to get a good night’s sleep, and they will adapt won’t they? 

Yes, they will, but a little bit of their soul is likely to have withered in the process, as another of their needs is not met. Their heart will bear the burden too, still craving that heart-to-heart contact, a compassion – will they one day find that comfort that they sought in the when they were a helpless baby? We can only hope that that’s the case, that they consider themselves worthy of the love that their parents neglected to give them in the middle of the night, or when they were scared about going to pre-school or school and were shouted at instead. 

I’m certainly not perfect and I am constantly learning how to be a gentler and kinder and more heart-led mother. Parenthood is not easy. My youngest is a few months away from turning three, and he is testing all the boundaries and is constantly doing rather naughty things. He still wakes in the night, at least once, and he likes to lie on my chest given the choice, so sleep is not something that we get a huge amount of, still, in this household.

But I feel it is worth this short-term sleep deprivation, because at least he knows that I am there for him when he needs me in the night. And the breastfeeding too continues until he is ready to stop, his immune system benefiting by each passing month. Both are not the norm, and people do think that we are crazy to put up with all the night time waking’s and heaven forbid that I might attempt to breastfeed my almost-three-year-old in public – it’s totally out of most people’s comfort zone.

Last year, during that first term, my eldest son cried most mornings as I dropped him to school, and it was all I could do to leave him in the classroom. Fortunately, the teachers were really compassionate and I was welcomed to stay as long as I needed, until I felt that he was settled – none of the ‘leave him crying and screaming and just run’ approach of the pre-school we initially chose and thankfully had the sense to stop fairly soon afterwards, albeit much of the damage had been done (why did I not trust my intuition and leave with him?! Oh yes, because every one told me that this was normal. Normal? It’s a crazy world we live in).

 Sure, my life has had to change considerably. I recognised that I hadn’t been there for him as much as he needed, that I hadn’t been meeting his emotional needs. I had been too busy working, too busy trying to achieve. So I gave up one of my jobs, which also meant giving up our financial security as well as a (false as it turns out) sense of identity. It was a big deal for me at the time, but I haven’t regretted it since. 

 Admittedly it took some time to adapt to all the seemingly endless trips to and fro from school, so that the day passes so quickly and very little else gets done in the interim (I’ve just taken a deep breath as we get back into the routine this term). But you do what you do, don’t you, for your children, for the next generation? You find a way. A kind way. One that you hope doesn’t damage them in the long-term, or give them the impression that their needs don’t matter. 

This is even more important if you are parenting one of the wave of sensitive children who have come in to this world in the last ten years or so. True gifts to the world they are, because they don’t fit in, they’re not meant to fit in, because they are going to show us another way to live, a more conscious, calm and peaceful way to live, if we let them guide us, rather that feeling we need to knock their sensitivity out of them. If you have a sensitive child then you need to nurture him or her, and their need for quiet space, meet them rather than expecting them to change to meet your expectations of what their life should look like.

For us, the changes to the way we lived, me prioritising my eldest son’s needs, seemed to work. By the end of the school year, he had settled and made one really good friend, who is a regular visitor at our house these days. He made other friends too and was OK about being separated from me, because he knew I was always there for him, that I had managed to find a way to make myself available to him. I’m grateful to his teachers too, for respecting and addressing his individual needs and doing all they could to help him settle.

Our children learn from us, and unless we can find a way to interact with them that doesn’t involve yelling at them when they do something that we don’t want them to do (like making a scene when they don’t want to go to school), then they’ll think that it’s OK to shout at, or threaten others if they don’t do what they want either. And on it goes from one generation to the next. So that this world never changes. More hurt hearts and people searching for their souls, lost and disillusioned, wondering where it all went wrong.  

This is our responsibility as human beings and as parents especially, to make the difference, to make this world a kinder and gentler and more compassionate place to live, and this has to start with how we not only treat ourselves, but equally as important, how we treat our children.

We don’t have to do things the way society expects us to do things, if that way doesn’t work for us, doesn’t have a heart, especially. Let’s face it, does this look like a happy society in which we are currently living? The rising anxiety and depression rates certainly don’t support this being a thriving society, to say nothing of the greed and quest for material wealth which is leading to exploitation of Mother Earth. No, we’re not thriving as a humanity and something will need to change.  

So if your child is having a hard time settling into pre-school or school, please don’t think that you have to act a certain way. That it needs to look a certain way. Please be gentle and kind and loving. Please don’t shout at them. Please try and find out what is bothering them and work together with the teachers and carers to find a way so that they may settle gently. Make sure you’re heard – if it doesn’t feel right, don’t leave them - and listen to your children.

And when your child wakes in the night needing comforting, please do go and give them your heart to rest their head upon. We need more awakened hearts in this world.

 xx

Seasonal shifting

Driving on my own, on an early Sunday morning to a course I was leading, I was struck by the joy that is the changing season.

I love summer and I never want it to end, but when it does, the pitta in me is grateful for the change. This is especially now, with children, where I am lucky enough to spend a considerable part of the summer on the beach. This is wonderful, but a challenge for my pitta, which has most definitely been out of balance this summer, especially with the earlier-summer-exam-stress.

 Pitta comprises the elements of fire and water and pitta people can be aggravated by too much sun exposure and by the summer season (the pitta season). Pitta people are often athletic and driven people, competitive, hard working and ambitious. They have a tendency to like to control things and have high expectation for themselves and others. 

They like nice things and a lovely (and often luxurious) lifestyle. They like to consume hot and spicy foods, tomatoes, caffeine, alcohol and stimulants like chocolate – thinks that feed their fire! They have a tendency towards frustration and anger, and can be impulsive, jealous, envious and get really annoyed by people.

When there is too much pitta, pitta people are prone to loose stools and excess stomach acid leading to ulcers and acid reflux. They are susceptible to red skin conditions and hormonal imbalance too. This is when the rage may appear too!

If you can relate to any of this, then perhaps your pitta has been out of balance too and you will rejoice at the shift that the seasonal shift will bring to you. Already my pitta feels soothed by the cooler mornings and evenings, and I relish the calmer energy, and the changing light that is brighter and sharper than summer, and brings with it a much welcomed settling – like a breath of fresh air, which finds me almost sighing with relief (as much as I love summer!).

Autumn is the vata season. Vata comprises the elements of air and ether, and so it’s the turn of those with a tendency towards vata to be potentially aggravated by the seasonal shift. It’s worth noting here that you don’t have to have a predominantly vata constitution to be affected. We will all have an element of vata, and some of us will have a tendency for this to be aggravated (like pitta and kapha) from time to time depending on how we are living our lives. Certainly I find that my pitta imbalance brings with it a vata imbalance.

Vata people like change and movement, and like to flit around, snacking on the go, rather than taking regular meals. They like to eat bird food (think nuts and seeds) that help them to fly even more up in the air, trying to get lighter and lighter Sometimes they are living so much in the air and up in the ether that they chop and change their minds and don’t always get things done, or manifest on the ground, in this world.

When out of balance, vata people have a tendency towards nervousness, anxiety, fear, indecisiveness and worry. They can suffer with tics, tremors and twitches. They can also suffer with light and disturbed sleep, and can be prone to constipation and excess wind (too much air!). They can also feel cold and scattered and airy and their skin might flake (reflecting their flakiness).

So look out those of you who have a vata constitution or a tendency for vata imbalance, as this seasonal shift could affect you. There are simple things you can do to ease the imbalance, such as eating nourishing and warming foods, avoiding the bird food, taking warm baths and oil massage, establishing a regular and daily routine with regular times for eating, sleeping and working etc., calming and grounding yoga, yoga nidra and body scans and some light exercise like walking and swimming.

Those of you with kapha tendencies might find yourself challenged by the winter months ahead, but you should be OK during autumn, as long as you keep warm. Kapha people are cooler and slower and their digestion tends to be sluggish with excess mucus. When kapha is in excess, they can be prone to weight gain and excess sleep. They can also be prone to attachment and greediness. So you might watch out for these tendencies if you know that you have kapha in you (a combination of earth and water). 

I haven’t yet found out if I’ve passed my Ayurvedic exams (I don’t get the results until November) so I am not yet able to practice professionally as a lifestyle and diet consultant but I’m always happy to try to help on a case study basis if you feel drawn to Ayurveda. 

Ayureda uses a combination of diet, lifestyle and medicine to effect positive change, balancing the dosha (fault) and restoring harmony and balance. It sounds easy but can sometimes be a touch challenging – our diet patterns are well ingrained and we are often asked to focus on new tastes. The lifestyle changes can also be confronting because our lifestyle patterns are also well laid. The medicine can sometimes taste bitter and we have to remember to take it at the prescribed times, which can be tricky.

But all of this, all of the changes that are asked of us and our reaction to this can be both revealing and potentially healing. There is a reason that we are out of balance in the first place and that dis-ease may have appeared (mental as much as physical). So we need to start to do things differently, to unravel the imbalance.

Sometimes however we don’t need to do very much.  Sometimes the imbalance can be re-balanced just by the seasonal shift. So to all the pitta people, enjoy the cooler and clearer skies and the routine that this new season brings as the schools return and everyone catches up on the summer months of activity. 

Here, I’m back to teaching yoga and there’s a whole heap of retreats ahead which is exciting, as I do love retreating a little from the chaos of the rest of the world and especially as the light dims and we are encouraged to retreat inwardly in any case. There is a joy in seasonal shifts, another opportunity (as if we need more hey!) to let go and flow into the unknown. 

So enjoy the flow, and hope to see some of you soon, on your yoga mat or at Reiki.

Full moon mutterings

The full moon brings out the angst in me. It shines a light into the shadows and helps me to find the words for the things that have been bothering me.

I don’t know about you but I’ve grown weary of perpetuating the story about the ecological crisis which is occurring right now and being told that I must be feeling overwhelmed and burdened and unsure what I can do to solve the problem.

The truth is, it doesn’t have to be this way. Why feel choose to feel burdened by something that is beyond our control? Why spend our days depressed about the demise of the world? 

This serves no good to anyone, especially not to us. Nor to Mother Earth. 

 Better to just get out there and do something about it. Be the change. Don’t wait for someone else to do it for us.

 I was thinking about this in the context of the “Plant Trees: Promote Peace” charity class that I was intending to hold this summer, to raise cash through yoga to buy trees that people can then plant.  This because I love yoga and I love trees, and I have a theory that if we all practiced yoga and all planted trees, then the world would be a much better place to live.

 It crossed my mind that it’s a bit silly really, that we should have to come to an event like this to feel that we might be making a difference. I mean we could all practice yoga at home every day to promote peace and we could all go out there and buy a tree and plant that, even if we gifted it to someone and planted it on their land, or at a school, or on public land (with permission of course).

 Why is it that we need someone else to organise it for us? Why do we need to do something publicly to feel like we are making a difference – is it an ego trip, an image thing?

And why do we have to feel that we are getting something back, to put something in in the first place? (go to a yoga class, get something out of it, to donate our cash in the first place).

Why don’t we just do what needs to be done regardless? [In this instance planting a tree and practicing yoga].

This is not to knock my idea. I like my idea! I like the concept of coming together to share a love of yoga and do something that creates a positive difference and gives back to Mother Earth in someway.

 But it did get me thinking about what motivates us to do the things we do. 

Which brings me on to my other angst at the moment, which is the incredibly large number of holistic courses available to us that promise to change us during the course of a day or a weekend. You know, help us release all the trauma, all the blocks that are holding us back from living the life that we desire in our heads (if not our hearts).

I believe that these are all well and good, and have a place, as long as they don’t continue to perpetuate the story that there is something wrong with us that needs to be fixed. That somehow disempower us before we have even got going. That cause us to dwell on the negative and that put course leaders on pedestals. And even worse, that promise us the quick fix.

I’m also slightly cynical about the number of holistic courses being run, where making money is the motivation, rather than the heart-felt desire to help someone. I’m reading “Selling Yoga” by Andrea Jain at the moment, which probably doesn’t help matters, and has just made me even more aware how many sell out in the name of business - and the holistic world has become big business full of clever marketing to draw you in, but not really offering anything different, when you look at the small print. 

Sadly, even Yoga Nidra has become big business these days. We move in fads. I’d like to think that the recent Sound Bath craze will continue, but as consumers we can be fickle, and when we realise that these events are wonderful but don’t make all our problems go away in one hit, we move onto something else, like Yoga Nidra or a Goddess ceremony, that might offer us the quick fix that we seek. 

There is no such thing as the quick fix in the holistic world, because it takes time, and some effort (and some practice) to get to the root cause of a problem, which more often than not stems from our childhood.

It works the other way around too. I’ve had a number of couple of people contact me over the years wanting to advance their Reiki studies. Some of these are genuine, in so much as they truly want to help others through Reiki and have pure intention, but there are others who rarely use Reiki on others, let alone themselves, and simply want to advance their studies for the title that they can put on their business cards – so it becomes nothing more than an ego trip and ‘business’.

This is all that is wrong with the holistic world today – somewhere along the lines the heart got lost a bit.

This is the key for me. The heart. How does it feel about the decisions that we are making, about the way we are living our life, about the courses we are attending, and about our motivations (money, ego or otherwise)?

There’s this wonderful quote from Rumi, which reads

“Yesterday I was clever,

So I wanted to change the world.

Today I am wise, 

So I am changing myself”.

I agree. It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

Let’s let go of the story (and stop using the story to sell products) about how out of control we must be feeling, and how awful the state of the Planet and world affairs, and how broken we are (with all that unresolved trauma, anxiety and depression we’re carrying) to focus on something positive, like our breath and the fact we are breathing, or the fact that we live on a beautiful Island here in Guernsey where there is fresh air to breath, clean sea to swim in and little threat of war or natural disaster, where we can leave our cars unlocked and they are unlikely to be stolen.

Let’s remember all the good things.

Let’s remember that yoga has been around for thousands of years and has been tried and tested and really does make a positive difference. And Reiki too, the knowledge of which was contained in a sutra (thread of knowledge) uncovered by Dr Usui all those years ago.    

Both of these practices transform us into lighter and brighter human beings and heck that has to be good for the Planet. Actually, I KNOW it’s good for the planet, because every time one of us increases in vibration then the Planet has no choice but to increase in vibration.

However, every time we are told how overwhelmed, vulnerable, blocked, anxious, depressed, lost and disempowered we are…the vibration of the planet goes down again. We sag under the weight of the world telling us this story that doesn’t have to be true, but becomes true because someone is telling us it is true. A self-fulfilling prophesy.

I say listen to Rumi. Rumi is wise. Rumi knows. Rumi does not make us feel sad or depressed, or victims of someone trying to sell us the new ‘awaken’ fad. 

No one can do the awakening for us. No course achieves this for us, however much it might promise it. Sure it might provide a missing jigsaw piece or help us to see things differently, but we have to do the healing for ourselves.

That’s the reason I’m pretty happy with good old yoga and Reiki. You can practice both at home for free (there are a ton of free yoga videos out there these days and online stuff showing you the reiki self-healing positions) and they work! Get that. These practices actually work, they connect us to the heart and helps us to release all the stuff we don’t need to carry in our lives anymore (if we are ready to do the letting go). But, and here’s the thing, you just need to practice. That’s all these practices ask of you. Nothing else. 

Change yourself, change the world. 

Go practice some yoga and Reiki. 

Go buy your best friend a tree. In fact, go buy everyone you know a tree.

And create a new and positive story. 

Don’t give your power away. And don’t put others on pedestals, particularly in the yoga and holistic world, they don’t know your way any better than you do it. 

Follow your way; your heart.

Happy full moon!

P.S. The “Plant Trees: Promote Peace” has been postponed until 2020, because something else has come up…but please go practice yoga and plant a tree regardless!

P.P.S I realise I’m slightly hypocritical in many respects because I too offer courses that are aimed at helping people heal. I offer them from my heart. I genuinely want you to heal and feel better (if you need healing and feeling better!) but I appreciate this won’t necessarily happen overnight. I hope I don’t promise this.

Ahimsā - non-violence and non-harming - how are we getting on?

Yoga might be extremely popular these days, but very few appreciate its philosophical merits. Viewed merely as an exercise regime, many will never have heard of Patañjali’s Yoga Sūtras, nor have any idea of the potential spiritual and personal transformation that Yoga offers.

Believed to be the most ancient text of classical Yoga, the Yoga Sūtras contain 195 sutras (threads) (sometimes argued to be 196), divided between four chapters, discussing the aims and practices of Yoga, the development of Yogic powers and finally, liberation. Like a guiding hand, the Yoga Sūtras detail the potential pitfalls on a spiritual journey and offer the means to overcome them.

 It is understood that Patañjali was not one man, but a group of scholars who were tasked with scripting the path to self-realisation. Like the Buddhist Eightfold Path, the Yoga Sūtras are made up of eight limbs (astanga) or steps, which offers a method of awakening; a path to higher consciousness and liberation. 

The eight limbs include:

• The yamas (codes of moral conduct);

• The niyamas (codes of social conduct);

• Asanas (postures);

• Pranayama (breathing exercises);

• Pratyahara (withdrawal of senses);

• Dharana (concentration);

• Dhyana (meditation);

• Samadhi (self-realisation).

 While most Western practitioners may be familiar with the third limb of asanas (postures), very few will be familiar with the yamas and niyamas, which form the foundation for this wonderful practice (that is more than just exercising the body). 

The five yamas constitute the ethical precepts, which provide us with basic guidelines for living a life of personal fulfilment that will benefit the whole of society. The yamas are therefore about our relationship with the world and about having an awareness of the inter-connected nature of it. They remind us that our every action has a consequence and they help to bring some order to an otherwise chaotic world.

The first of the five yamas is called ahimsā, which is often translated as non-violence or non-harming. In Yoga, ahimsā is believed to be the most important principle, and is mentioned first because the four other yamas are dependent upon it.

Over the years, my awareness of this yama has deepened. While some might argue that you should start first with the yamas and work your way through the other limbs, so that asana follows when you have spent time working with the yamas and niyamas, I have a sense that it doesn’t matter where you start.  You will, at some point, begin to incorporate all the eight limbs into your life in some way or another as your awareness shifts.

So while I may have initially started practising asana for it’s physical, mental and spiritual benefits, my interest and awareness of the other seven limbs has increased over the years and the yamas are very important to me and form a framework from which I attempt to live my life.

This hasn’t happened with any effort either may I add, it has naturally evolved the more I have practiced and the more I have deepened my practice. I don’t believe that you can force yourself to live a certain way, it has to arise naturally for it to be authentic and real. But we can have an awareness nonetheless and sometimes the awareness is what might help to create the positive shift. 

 For example, some argue that ahmisā implies the need to eat a vegetarian diet. Certainly Stewart Gilchrist, with whom I train, and with whom I attended a workshop recently where we discussed the yamas, will argue that ahimsā means veganism. I have been a vegetarian on and off since I was 13 and it is true, that over the years I have become increasingly passionate about the non-harming of all life and questioned the ethics of the meat and dairy industry, choosing a predominantly plant-based diet accordingly.

However, the Yoga Sūtras do not make specific reference to the need to be a vegetarian or vegan per se, it is based on interpretation of ahimsā and how this comes to play out in your life will be dependent on the individual. Vegetarianism or veganism cannot be forced because this forcing may create harm, and this will potentially override any benefit that might be otherwise gained. It needs to evolve naturally.  

For example, when I was younger I thought nothing of killing a fly that annoyed me or squashing a spider that might be in my room, let alone killing ants. Today I wouldn’t dream of killing an insect, I mean yes, it is tempting when the flies are relentless (as they are at the moment), but what right have I to kill? I’m curious how easily we justify the killing of animal and insect life to suit ourselves. 

I try and install in my children the need to help other living beings, and I admit I do struggle with the recent crabbing obsession of my eldest. It seems so cruel to in any way harm other living beings for our pleasure, whether we are learning about those species or not. 

Fortunately, I have managed to steer us to rock pools and merely looking and I’m pleased about that because recently we came across a mother crab literally hugging her baby crab. I didn’t have my camera to hand and I wish I had, because it was a very strong message to me that we shouldn’t be messing with nature, that even mother crabs have babies that they protect, what right have I to move them or separate them?  

 I also believe it is important that my children are aware of the source of their food, whether that be a dead animal or not, so that they can be more conscious of what they are putting into their bodies and the harm that may be taking place. They are too young to truly understand this, at least from my perspective. My eldest son loves pigs and loves sausages, and he is fine with this, despite understanding the connection.

There are many ways that we harm other human beings too. Physically hurting someone is one such way, but we shouldn’t overlook the emotional and mental harm that we can cause to others by the words we use -  harsh words uttered in moments of rage and anger, words used to manipulate and control, words used to put down and disempower, and words that add to insecurity and shame, for example. 

We can hurt by the tone of our voice, or by the volume of it, raising our voice and shouting at both other adults and children unnecessarily. We can harm with our moods and our behaviour patterns, ignoring family members, turning our backs on children because they’ve annoyed us, or even worse, ignoring their crying and neglecting to attend to their needs (children often cry because their needs are not being met, even if that need might just be a moment of our time and sole attention). 

We can hurt people on social media too, by the comments we make, and the judging that we undertake. We can also harm people by publishing stuff that might upset them. For example, I don’t appreciate seeing any images of violence, whether that be to animals, children or adults. I know it exists and I try to do what I can to help to make a positive difference, seeing a distressing image does not achieve anything positive, it just creates more anger and negativity and the world has enough of that already. 

The written word can also harm, not only in the way in which text messages and emails can be misinterpreted, but also in the way that we can be captive audiences. We don’t get to choose what people write to us when they contact us and before we know it they have offloaded on us and involved us in their dramas. It can be ever so draining, and can lead us onto another of the yamas called asteya, which means non-stealing, and the manner in which people steal time and energy from us, but that’s a whole other blog posting!

Of course Gandhi’s views and practices revolved around ahimsa and non-violence. He successfully implemented the rule of non-violence in the struggle for independence in India. He wrote, “non-violence is a power which can be wielded equally by all – children, young men and women or grown up people, provided that they have a living faith in the God of Love and have therefore equal love for all mankind. When non-violence is accepted as the law of life, it must pervade the whole being and not be applied to isolated acts”.

 I would love nothing more than for non-violence to be accepted as the law of life but I have a feeling that until we are non-violent and non-harming to the ourselves, then it is unlikely we will be able to non-violent or non-harming to the whole of society. 

For many years, I associated self-harm with intentionally damaging or injuring the body, usually as a way of coping with, or expressing, emotional distress. I tried it once, in my twenties when I was full of self-loathing, and it just made me feel worse, not better, but I have known others who experienced some comfort in it. It’s a pretty drastic thing to do and certainly indicates that life is very much out of balance.

I have since come to recognise that there are many other ways that we self-harm, some more acceptable by society, and some so subtle that we don’t recognise them as self-harming until someone points them out to us.

Self-harming can mean eating more than you need, for example, and being greedy, taking an extra helping of cake or chocolate or curry, or whatever it might be that stresses our digestive systems and body generally. Cancer Research UK advises that in 2018, 62% of the adults in the UK were overweight or obese, and that being overweight and obese is the UK’s biggest cause of cancer after smoking. This is most definitely self-harm manifest!

 However, self-harm can also mean not eating enough. Those who read this blog post regularly and have read my books will know that I used to have an eating disorder. Eating disorders are definitely a form of self-harm. I also carried a lot of repressed anger and bitterness, and the combination of the eating disorder and the negative emotions resulted in me having to have my gallbladder removed when I was 21 years old -the gallbladder holds bitterness in the body, closely related to the liver which holds anger.

Anger was a theme throughout much of my earlier life, both inherited but also in reaction to life events and the manner in which my life was unfolding, especially in my twenties. This was a form of self harm as I directed my anger towards myself, my inner critique giving me a hard time so that I loathed myself – I didn’t need anyone else harming me because I was doing a good job of that myself with my negative thinking. 

For many years of my life I always adopted a negative mind-set and negative thinking. I didn’t even realise that I was doing it, or that I had a choice about it – glass half full, glass half empty. I just thought that that was me. My negativity towards myself and my life led me to contemplate suicide and one evening I did get more desperate than at any other time in my life and I know that this was – thankfully – a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt at suicide. I had hit rock bottom and this was some serious harming.  

 It was a necessary moment for me though, to wake up to the harm I was causing myself and to ask for help to heal. Soon after this, a wave of help rushed in, through Yoga, Reiki and the love of many Earth angels, which you can read about in my book, Namaste. All of this helped me to realise that I didn’t have to be stuck in negativity, that I had a choice, and I took it upon myself to focus on love, and self-love and positivity instead, trying to shift my mind-set in the process. 

It is difficult to name one thing that made a difference, because all the various healing practices that I engaged had a cumulative positive effect on me. Although I do think that connecting with the angels and inviting the divine and indeed the Goddess into my life have all helped to make a huge difference. At their heart they brought in faith and love, and this made a huge difference in transforming my life in a positive direction. It was then, and much like Gandhi says, that I began to have greater love and respect for the whole of mankind.

However, it is worth noting that we can harm ourselves in the quest to heal ourselves too. In the earlier days of my Yoga practice I practised excessively, triggering the return of the eating disorder, which found me losing a lot of weight in the quest to be the ‘ideal’ yogini, or at least the notion in my head of what I thought was the ideal yogini. This was a journey all in itself, and helped me to see through the illusion that is ever present even in the Yoga world. My periods stopped during this time soon, which is always a sign that something is out of balance. 

We can harm ourselves by pushing ourselves too hard in our yoga practice, causing ourselves injuries. As yoga teachers we have to be mindful of not causing harm to our students in the words we use and the physical adjustments we make. As holistic therapists too, helping others to heal, we have to be mindful of not creating more harm and sharing only what is absolutely necessary and helpful, not dwelling on the negative. 

I harmed myself when I used to smoke cannabis, believing that it would assist with my spiritual development. I was travelling and practicing Yoga, and I convinced myself that it was OK as it was mentioned in the Vedas and there is an association between cannabis and Shiva, plus I hoped it would enhance my creativity and expand my mind. 

 When I look back I see that it was just another smoke screen, another way of distancing myself from the reality of my life and the issues that I still needed to address. I was neither more creative nor more spiritual as a result of the smoking, I just ended up with a nicotine addiction and polluted lungs and liver. Furthermore, I was desperately ungrounded and unable to make anything happen in my life as I floated around in the ethers of denial. 

There is no doubt in my mind that smoking is a form of self-harm. Fortunately smoking has become unfashionable and with good reason, with it being the number one cause of cancer in the UK. The fact that people are still allowed to smoke in their cars in Guernsey with children in the car too astounds me. Surely this is a form of harm too?

Drinking alcohol is also a form of self-harm despite the fact that it is considered socially acceptable. It amazes me how much alcohol underpins the British culture despite the fact that drinking alcohol is known to cause seven types of cancer, including breast and bowel cancer (per Cancer Research UK). Furthermore, studies indicate that those who drink alcohol (regardless of the amount) are more likely to end up with cancer than those who don’t. 

There are many other ways we self-harm too, often as a result of our addictions. One of my yoga teachers always said that we all have addictions, some more harmful than others. Some may be addicted to love and the drama that often accompanies this, others to technology and the need to be online, yet others to sex and to porn, and yet more to pharmaceutical drugs, and those who choose illegal drugs instead. 

We can harm others in the process of harming ourselves too; spending too much time on technology and ignoring our children in the process, in any way buying into the porn industry, uncontrollable and unrestrained sexual indulgences and manipulations, the love drama that destroys marriages and harms children, and promoting the illegal drug trade with its links to sex trafficking and the underworld. 

Buying into Big Pharma is a big deal too. To have children we had to have IVF. This meant that I consciously ingested and injected pharmaceutical drugs into my body, some of which came with warnings of the potential cancerous side effects. Some of these drugs are aimed at, and used by, menopausal women to reduce their menopausal symptoms. I had a choice about whether I take these drugs, and had it not been for my overwhelming desire for children, there is no way I would have put that stuff into my body. 

I tried to do what I could to reduce the negative effects of the drugs, certainly energetically, with holistic means. I was still concerned however about what I was doing to my body and to the embryos created through the use of these drugs in my body, and what might be the effect in utero. Fortunately, both boys arrived safely, not without some drama though, and whether this was as a result of the IVF and use of pharmaceutical drugs or not who will ever know. You can read more about this journey in my book Dancing with the Moon. 

Going back to the menopausal medication, it saddens me that menopausal women feel they have little choice but to take synthetic drugs to lessen the symptoms of the menopause which, we should remember, is a transition from one way or being to another, rather like menarche for teenage girls, rather than a condition that somehow needs to be fixed (or delayed!). 

That women are prepared to risk cancer, shows how desperate they must feel and it is a shame that holistic means are not promoted as another option. Certainly from an Ayurvedic perspective a change to diet and lifestyle, and the use of some natural medicine can work wonders in supporting this transition, without the unwanted side effects such as cancer. Still we must each feel that we have a right to choose, without judgment, the path we should take, medical or otherwise. 

The fact that so many women still choose to take synthetic contraceptive drugs despite the researched links between the long term use of these drugs and various cancers surprises me. This link is recognised to the extent that doctors will encourage women to stop taking the pill at some stage, when they consider that they have been on it for long enough - this happened to two of my friends, who had never questioned, nor appreciated the risk they were taking by using the pill in the first place. These are subtle ways in which we might harm ourselves, 

[For anyone keen to explore menopause or menstruation further, I recommend reading any of Dr Christiane Northrup’s books on women’s wisdom and women’s bodies, she also has a book devoted to natural approaches to the menopause available through Amazon. For those who have been questioning the use of the contraceptive pill then I highly recommend reading Code Redby Lisa Lister and exploring alternative methods that might allow you to connect with your cycle again and all it will reveal to you in the process.]

I haven’t even started on vaccinations and harm because that is a whole divisive and potentially harming discussion point for all involved. My best friend once told me that we might fall out if we discuss vaccinations so I learned early on that even those nearest and dearest will risk a long-term friendship over this subject. I’m not pro or anti vaccine per se, but I am pro choice, and that people should have the right and freedom to make the choice whether to vaccinate themselves or their children without being judged or in any way harmed by others.

Whether you are harming yourself or others in choosing to vaccinate, is as valid a research point, as the decision not to vaccinate and the impact this is believed to have on the wider population. All I would suggest that in forming your opinion one way or another you undertake detailed and unbiased research, and even then, respect the choice of others. Certainly from an Ayurvedic perspective, it is fundamental to support natural immunity whether you vaccinate or not and cause as little harm as possible whichever route you take. 

We self-harm when we establish poor boundaries be that in relationships or in the work place and when we give too much of ourselves and our energy away. Further, we self-harm when we spend time with people who deplete us or in any way disempower or drain us. We self-harm when we subject ourselves to violent media or to the news, or to anything that in any way has a negative impact on our emotional and mental wellbeing and creates feelings of fear and anxiety in us. 

Then lastly let us not forget the manner in which we harm the planet. Those of us who drive cars, travel by aeroplane, waste water, fuel and food, and buy more than we need are harming the planet on some level. We live in a consumer society where it is all about buying and accumulating stuff. We don’t actually need very much. It’s important we recognise the difference between needing and wanting and consider what it is that we are actually buying. Are we buying into an illusion? And what about the source of what we are buying? Did it cause harm to people or to the planet? Ethical shopping has to be the way forward.  

I can even take this to the buying of crystals. I love crystals and like having them in the cottage, but I have started questioning the harm that was caused, not only to the planet but to the people involved in their mining, to bring them into my life. I went through a phase of returning all the pebbles and shells that we had collected over the year to the beach, considering that these are not mine, and that they should be returned to Mother Earth. I’ve eased up on that a little bit but it’s an interesting point – how are we harming Mother Earth through our actions?

The truth is, once we bring ahimsā into our life we do start questioning things. What once worked for us might not work anymore and that can be a difficult process to go through, not only for us but for our friends and family. There is often a period of adjustment because its implications are far wider than simply giving up meat or ditching the car for the bike

It is more than not being violent or not harming, it is more than an attitude, it is a whole way of life. It extends to all living things, to you, to me, to those we don’t get along with, to animals, to Planet Earth, it is all and everything. Ultimately it comes down to love and respect, and it comes down to being conscious of the decisions we make, and taking responsibility. It’s pretty cool, though, as a framework for living one’s life - ahimsā, being non-violent and doing no harm. 

Wake up!

There are words I long

to say, to anyone

who might listen.

To awaken the

sleeping, heads buried

in a layer of

ignorance.

There are people

dying and children crying

and mothers

being

separated from

their young.

Do we pretend

it’s OK. Head down.

Get on. Someone

else’s problem.

Someone else’s

life.

I’m pretty sick of it, if I’m honest,

of greed, and the desire for fame,

as if this demonstrates

the success of a human being.

Show me your soul

that’s all I want to see of you.

Naked. Honest.

Truthful.

Ditch the show, please,

for the sake of humanity.

This isn’t a game (get off

the screen, get outside. Breathe), this

is for real. They’re dying

while you’re lying with

your head in denial.

A poem by Emma Després