The womb - is she calling you?

Probably because I have written a book about fertility, pregnancy and birth, I am often asked for insight into what might help women with their menstrual or fertility issues, or how to heal after suffering a miscarriage.

I’m certainly no expert, and while I am keen to share all I have learned, I am very aware that this is a result of listening to my body wisdom and honouring that inner guidance, and this may very well not work for other women who have their own body wisdom.

Plus, I am also very aware that menstrual and fertility issues, and the quest to conceive and give birth to new life, is a huge journey for us and often one of awakening, so there will be our own unique lessons to learn in the process.

Still, regardless of all our uniqueness, there is one commonality - something that I am keen to share with women, and it is this…honour your womb.

It wasn’t until I undertook our first round of IVF that I became aware of the significance of the womb in terms of growing new life and the need for this to be a super cosy and nourishing environment for a baby to grow.

I ended up with placenta previa during that first pregnancy, which means that the placenta (an organ attached to the lining of the womb, which keeps your unborn baby’s blood supply separate from your own and is connected to the baby by the umbilical cord) was totally covering the cervix (the narrow-neck like passage forming the lower end of the womb), which meant that I wouldn’t be able to birth vaginally.

I was very angry about this both during the pregnancy and beyond and it wasn’t until I met the wonderful Jo de Diepold Braham, that I realised the extent of the resentment that I was still carrying in my womb (let alone the scarring from the Caesarean Section) eighteen-months after the birth.

I’d gone to see Jo, an osteopath, to have my neck sorted, and instead ended up with her guiding me into my womb, which was dark and murky and most definitely not in a good state.  Given that E and I were thinking of going through another round of IVF, I had a sense that I needed to do some significant healing here.

I started seeing Jo regularly for Ki massage.  Jo is the most intuitive healer that I have had the pleasure to meet, and the way she works, by taking you into your body and helping to shift energy, resonates massively with my approach to healing. You can find Jo at the Natural Health Clinic twice a month in Guernsey and I strongly recommend you see her if you need any healing womb or otherwise.

Into my life at this time also arrived the wonderful Dr Uma Dinsmore-Tuli with her incredible book Yoni Shakti: A Woman’s Guide to Power and Freedom Through Yoga and Tantra, which all yoginis should have beside their mats. Also the inspiring Dr Christiane Northrup and her marvellous book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, which should be a reference book for all women at all stages of life.  A little later in came Lisa Lister too with Code Red, which absolutely every menstruating lady should be referring to for monthly menstrual insights.  

There was this whole new world that opened up to me and I started to see the womb in a whole different perspective.

The womb

The womb, or uterus as it is formally called, is a hollow muscular organ of the female reproductive system that is responsible for the development of the embryo and foetus during pregnancy.  It is approximately the shape and size of a pear and sits in an inverted position within the pelvis. 

An incredible distensible organ, the womb can expand during pregnancy from the size of a closed fist to become large enough to hold a full term baby. It is also incredibly strong, able to contract forcefully to propel a full term baby out of the body during childbirth. 

However, the womb is so much more than this!

It is also the seat of our creativity, not least in creating new life, but in helping us to create the life of our dreams, and connects us to our deepest knowing.

As Uma writes: “The very term yoni sakti locates the place of power [sakti] in our own bodies, in our yoni, a term that means both cunt or vulva, and womb or source. Yoni also means home, or place of rest. It is in and through the yoni that we encounter our connection to deeper knowledge, or blood wisdom. The term blood wisdom conveys a sense of the profound experience of ‘knowing already’, or recognising, sometimes not always so clearly, that this deep wisdom is present as a spirituality in our lifeblood. The understanding of blood wisdom is that in our very cells, in our wombs, this knowing has never really been absent, and all that has been denied is access to the living consciousness of the true wealth that this wisdom brings, not just for women but for the whole planet.  She is a deep and tender inner teacher. What she teaches is freedom.”

Certainly since honouring my womb with the greatest reverence for all she knows, and all she can reveal, my life has changed significantly. I started writing again, a passion which had lay dormant for many years, and I haven’t really stopped since, even managing to write a book (which you can purchase here).  I have also felt an incredible sense of freedom and have had a greater connection to my own wisdom and all that this needs to reveal. Of course there is always work to be done, but connecting with my womb has made a huge difference.

This is the reason, that when women are experiencing some issues with the womb space, in whatever way that may be, I am always keen to encourage them to begin their work here.

As Dr Northrup writes: “The uterus is related energetically to a woman’s innermost sense of self and her inner world. It is symbolic of her dreams and the selves to which she would like to give birth. Its state of health reflects her inner emotional reality and her belief in herself at the deepest level. The health of the uterus is at risk if a woman doesn’t believe in herself, is excessively self-critical or is putting too much of her energy into a dead-end job or relationship”.

So perhaps there is some change that occurs when we begin working with the womb, and perhaps this is confronting at times, but also a necessity.

As Dr Northrup further writes: “The health of the pelvic organs (ovaries, tubes and womb) depends upon a woman feeling able, competent, or powerful to create financial and emotional abundance and stability, and to express her creativity fully. She must be able to feel good about herself and about her relationships with other people in her life. Relationships that she finds stressful and limiting, and which she feels she has no control over, on the other hand, may adversely affect her internal pelvic organs. Thus, if a woman stays in an unhealthy relationship because she feels she cannot support herself economically, or emotionally, her internal pelvic organs may be at increased risk of disease”.

This is supported by Bri Maya Tiwari who writes in her wonderful book The Path of Practice: A Woman’s Book of Ayurvedic Healing: “Our Shakti-prana [the primordial feminine energies within) circulates through and around the womb, a woman’s area of greatest vulnerability…Too often, we do not recognise the sanctity of the womb, and the sacred prana that governs it. Herein lies the paradox of the Shakti-prana: this profound source of feminine power also makes us extremely susceptible to disease.  When you care for your womb, and thus honour your Shakti-prana, you heal your feminine life force and protect yourself from illness.”

Thus it is imperative that we do the work to heal the womb. We must celebrate her and all she can reveal to us. How do we do this? Well here are the ways that help me:

Womb yoga

In theory, all yoga should help us to heal and connect more fully with our body wisdom and increase our sense of wellbeing in the process, but womb yoga offers so much more than this. In practicing with deep reverence for the womb and womb space, and working with Shakti (the spirit of our primordial feminine energies within) and Shakti-prana (the body’s inherent life-force), we can effect significant transformation.

As Uma writes: “By greeting the womb with love we not only reconnect to the Sakti or life power in the womb or womb space, but also receive the loving energies of the heart by bringing them into conscious connection with the nourishment potential of the the womb space energies”.

There is a free yoni yoga video on our YouTube channel here, that focuses on bringing awareness and love into the womb space. You might also benefit from the free fertility video here and/or the free video for menstruation here. 

It could also be beneficial to you to join our Sunday morning yoga class (click here for our class timetable), which while not gender specific, does tend to attract just women and many of the practices are based around the heart and womb. You could also join one of our Yoni Yoga sessions that take place from time to time.

I would also highly recommend investing in Uma’s book, Yoni Shakti: A Woman’s Guide to Power and Freedom Through Yoga and Tantra, which you can purchase from Amazon here.  Please don’t be intimidated by the book – it is huge, but just follow the practices that are relevant to you at any stage on your cycle/life.

Yoga Nidra

I am a huge fan of Yoga Nidra.  It has supported me so much the last few years particularly.  I regularly practice Yoga Nidra as it helps me to rest and rejuvenate and can be incredibly healing too.

You can access our free Yoga Nidra for menstrual healing here.  You’ll find other Yoga Nidras on my website too. Otherwise I can highly recommend using the free ones that are available courtesy of Uma and her husband on the Yoga Nidra network at www.yoganidranetwork.org. I use these regularly – they were hugely supportive before, during and after the IVF process and for healing my womb post-natal too. I also accredit Yoga Nidra for helping to regulate my periods.

Ayurveda

I am a huge fan of Ayurveda because it is ancient, it works and it has roots in the Vedas like yoga! 

Ayurveda is the oldest authentically recorded health system in history, over 5,000 years old. It was created by yogis who spent their lives studying nature and the human condition.  

Meaning “the science of life” it is exactly that, viewing health in four dimensions of physical, sensory, mental and spiritual and is centred on preventative medicine and bringing a person back to balance.  It shows how an imbalance in one part of a person’s being will affect them in another, i.e. if a person isn’t being true to their life path (dharma) then physical and mental illnesses can arise which cannot be effectively treated with modern medicines but can be helped by Ayurveda.

Ayurveda has helped me lots in my life, not least to heal ovarian cysts and eliminate PMS, but also to support the IVF process (it is perhaps not surprising that I didn’t follow any Ayurvedic principles nor take any herbs prior to the failed IVF cycle, as I had done before the two successful cycles). Read more about this by reading my book Dancing with the Moon.

I follow Ayurvedic principles when I can and notice when I veer away, as I end up feeling depleted and out of balance. It really is amazing and I encourage any lady who is experiencing any sort of menstrual, hormonal, fertility or pelvic trauma to contact the Ayurvedic Clinic that I attend in Purley Oaks, not far from Gatwick Airport.

You can arrange a Skype appointment with one of the doctors and can be sent herbs and encouraged to follow an Ayurvedic diet plan for your type (diet in terms of what you should avoid eating for balance rather than weight loss). You might also attend the clinic itself if necessary for Panchakarma (treatments – these are amazing and I go whenever I feel depleted and completely out of balance and attended before IVF too). See http://www.theayurvedicclinic.com

Eating well

I know, I hear you, we all know about eating well these days, but it can be so important for the health of our womb.  If we eat really drying and acidic food then this may lead to a dry and acidic womb, which might lead to dis-ease and may also prevent an embryo growing. You need to nourish yourself with nourishing foods and those that are appropriate for your constitution and for what is going on for you. 

I’m absolutely not a fan of dieting in terms of losing weight.  I think it’s important that we follow a diet that supports our health and wellbeing and increases our vitality – this is the reason I try and follow an Ayurvedic diet that works for me and my constitution when I can, as it looks at the whole person. It’s so important that you nourish yourself and keep your digestive fire stoked.  Remember to drink plenty of water too.  

Reiki

I love Reiki! For me it has been truly life changing as it is so healing! If you are Reiki attuned then all the better as you can channel Reiki to your womb as often as you are able.  I channelled Reiki into my womb space a lot throughout IVF and pregnancy and was comforted by it (you can read all about this in my book Dancing with the Moon). 

If you aren’t Reiki attuned then you will need to arrange a treatment with a qualified Reiki practitioner (let me know if you need any recommendations). Reiki treatments are wonderful because not only do you get to relax, but you get to heal and have all your chakras balanced in the process! Definitely a great support for the womb.

So you see there are things that can be done. But you must trust in your own wisdom too.  What is your womb trying to tell you? Perhaps it’s trying to wake you up to your highest potential. 

As Bri Maya Tiwari writes: “The power of your Shakti goes beyond the space of the womb and its magic of bringing new life into the world.  Your womb also has a divine function, which is the cultivation of nurturing and healing powers of the Mother within. In working with your Shakti, you will discover profound physical and spiritual health. In so doing, you as a woman also affect and influence the well-being of all living things”.

If you find yourself reading this and something is resonating, then honour the calling. You are being called.  You’re being asked to do the work.  To heal the womb.  To come home to yourself. 

x

Menstruation...blood on the mat!

It's funny, I'd never thought of it like that, but a friend was saying how menstruation is in the field. I got what she meant, only that I'd not come across this concept of the field before, and actually it made a lot of sense. 

I've been menstruating for a long old while now, since I was 13 years old in fact, but it's only in recent years that I've become conscious of the spiritual significance and insight that comes from awareness of the menstrual cycle. I wish someone had told me when I was 13, wow, how life would have been so different!

Still, we have the life we have based on what we know and our choices in any moment and so I'm grateful at least now, for this awareness. 

Menstruation is without a doubt, in the field. A few weeks ago I was surprised to find menstruation being talked about on Radio 4.  Then just this week, it was talked about on EastEnders (yes I know, I watch EastEnders, I admit it, it's the only thing I watch on TV, and yes even my family think that's pretty crazy!), and that's when I realised certainly something might just be happening...

So this week I found myself talking about menstruation on a podcast chat with Michelle Johansen.  She was saying how a friend of her's had mentioned how she's not on her game for a week of the month, when she's menstruating.  And I responded by saying how silly it all is, that women think like that. 

The truth is that the week of each month that you're menstruating is a big deal. It's the time when you might retreat and have your most amazing insights. It's certainly not a time to be embarrassed about, or to try to pretend it is not happening, or, even worse, be peeved about it.

Admittedly the whole bleeding thing can be a touch challenging.  I get that. As it happened I started bleeding about an hour after talking to Michelle yesterday, on the eve of the full moon, so a day earlier than usual.  This morning I was teaching yoga.

If the truth be told, I was all over the place before the class.  My youngest son barely slept last night due to an ear infection and was hanging out on my chest most of the night, and the child care (parents) are all sick, so the children came in the car to drop me off at yoga, and of course we were running late. 

I was not my usual grounded and prepared self (I was planned however!), and it didn't help that I had my period.  I don't like to use anything other than pads as I don't like to disrupt the apana energy, the downward flow of energy, it needs to flow right. This does mean, however, that you need a particular type of pad, and sadly the eco ones I've tried just don't do it, they leak all over the place.

It was a snow day, the day I started bleeding and I didn't have anything in the house as it caught me a day earlier than expected, so beautiful E strode out into the snow and bought me some super huge pads from the local chemist.  It was one of these super beauties, I wore to yoga this morning. Sadly even though it was a non-eco friendly and supposedly super-absorbent one, it leaked!

Yep, what I thought was a worst nightmare came true as there I was sitting on my mat demonstrating something and all of a sudden I felt the blood rush down, as it does, and I hoped the pad had absorbed it, but just had this feeling.

Without thinking about the blood situation I got up and wandered around the room, checking alignment and glanced towards my mat (positioned in the middle of the strange-shaped room I teach in) and was rather concerned to find that there was blood on it.  Yikes!  Yep, the blood had seemed through my pad, onto my pants, though my leggings and onto the mat.

I rushed back to my mat and thought about turning it over and then figured that would give it away so maybe I should just sit on it, and then I felt a bit trapped, so I thought maybe I should mention it to the ladies, we were all ladies after all, but then I just felt a bit vulnerable I was exhausted as it was and a bit out of sorts with the moon, so I kind of sat on my mat awkwardly, and tried to keep it hidden!

It was interesting. Menstruation is in my field, I talk about it in class, I ask women to be compassionate to it. And yet here I was embarrassed by it, because it was so bloody obvious, quite literally! And I giggled because at this time of the month, all I really want to do, and absolutely what I encourage ladies to do, is retreat!

But this is life.  This is the reality of life. It goes on.  So yes, while the idea of taking a week out each month to bleed and be with the women, as they did in the red tent, sounds amazing, it's not a reality when you have a job and children and people who depend on you. The best you can hope for is the opportunity to sit on your yoga mat when the children have gone to bed before either falling asleep to a Yoga Nidra or getting into bed and trying to sleep there instead. 

I did both last night as it happens.  I did a very gentle 20 minute yoga practice, before falling asleep to what I'm sure was a lovely Yoga Nidra and then made an effort to sleep, before being woken hourly by my nipple-sucking, energy draining and yet ever so cute and beautiful son, go figure!

I advise all menstruating women  to read "Code Red' By Lisa Lister.  It's a fab book to help you connect more fully with your menstrual cycle and your inner wisdom. I only wish this book had been around when I was 13! Admittedly the language is a bit challenging at times, and even I have a limit to the amount of "SHE" references I can deal with, but the fundamental info is interesting and empowering.

Certainly when we're menstruating I feel we naturally want to retreat away and so we should. Personally, I experience greater insight at this point in the cycle. Then we have this increasing energy until ovulation and with that we have more energy for the outward world, and more interest for it too.  Then we ovulate, hoorah for that, and feel fabulous, before the waning down towards menstruation.

When I was younger, I was lucky if I had any idea where I was in my cycle, let alone what each part of it meant (beyond the irritation of PMS and menstruation).

Now I know.  Since I've had the children, I bleed on the full moon.  I struggle with this a bit if truth be told, because the full moon is all about being full and this is generally the time for ovulating, when the eggs are reflective of the fullness of the moon, literally ripe and full of light; fruitful. But instead I'm like the fruit ripen instead and spoilt.

So this means that ordinarily, when the moon is new and full of new potential, when a lot of women are bleeding into new beginnings, having just had the darkness of the pre-menstrual phase with the dark moon (before the new moon), I'm ovulating.  

It's all back to front and I could get an ego trip off it, because it is said that women who have their bleed aligned with the full moon are healers and high priestesses...I'll take that thank you very much!  I guess it could also mean that we've passed the fertile and child creating state, maybe!

Anyhow the point is, menstruation is only going to get bigger - if EE have mentioned it, it has to, surely! And the other point is, we need to embrace it right, all parts of it, and yes if we can retreat with it, then retreat. If that's not possible, then let's try honour it somehow, and you know, if you bleed on your yoga mat, then maybe be OK with that, it's kind of cool - although she says that and her yoga mat is in the washing machine, ha ha!

We're human. 

Love x

Yoga, the coil and menstruation

I was asked a very valid question recently about women practicing yoga with a coil and what they should and shouldn't do. Uma is my inspiration for answering this, and I would encourage you, if you have a coil, to watch this short video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hh34PVZgl38

I've also been asked a number of times the reason I give options for women who are menstruating.  My answer is because when you're menstruating, really you need to take things gently - I'm impressed you're even at class.  At this time of the month often what our body needs is deep rest, darkness, stillness and the opportunity to truly tap into our womb wisdom. This is a time to get down on the Earth and get into yourself.

If you do come to class, I encourage you to be particularly gentle with yourself and this is the reason for the options.  Of course there are always options, if you're ovulating, maybe you want to practice a different way, if you're menopausal then maybe you want to practice by a window and take some time off to cool down, if you're lactating then maybe you need to rest more frequently than others and avoid lying on your front with your breasts pressing to the ground.

I'm a woman, I bleed, I breastfeed, I ovulate, I'm still technically post-natal (for two years after birth), I've been pregnant a few times, I've had two Caesarean sections and IVF. I bring this experience with me into class and share as much as I can. We're all different though, so I encourage you to check in to your own bodies and your own body wisdom and adjust the practice as you choose.

For many years I ignored my body wisdom and I resented my monthly bleed as it made practicing yoga more challenging as I would be tired and there was the small problem of bleeding to consider.  I just kept practicing as I practised the rest of my monthly cycle - in a masculine and yang way as I didn't know that there was another way.

I ended up with menstrual problems. My periods stopped essentially.  I then found out I had cysts on my ovaries.  This is a whole other story but I set out to heal myself and part of that healing was learning about womb wisdom and the need to honour my body and respect it's monthly cycle and to tap into the wisdom that it provides.

I've been deeply inspired by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and am full of huge and massive respect for her speaking her truth and walking her talk and being a shining light to us wild yoginis.

So I know from experience, how important it is to respect whatever stage of life we're going through, and especially our menstrual cycle. In Ayurveda (of which I am a huge fan), there are five energies (or pranas) and one of these is called Apana. Apana is a downward moving energy, which is involved in excretion, urination, ejaculation and menstruation. 

So I encourage menstruating women to avoid the inversions, such as headstand and shoulder stand, which reverses the natural downward flow of apana upon which menstruation relies. I also encourage them to avoid deep twists, certainly in the first couple of days of menstruation, maybe after then it feels good to do a deep twist.  

I would also avoid poses like bow and or anything that presses on the lower belly.  I don't even like to practice steamed forward bends where my lower tummy makes contact with my legs, I much prefer legs apart if I'm folding forward during this time. basically i feel it's important to keep the practice gentle and give the womb lots of space and nurturing energy.  Reiki hands on the lower belly is essential if you're Reiki attuned!

I've got a free video coming out soon on yoga for menstruation so keep an eye out if this interests you.

I'd also encourage any menstruating woman to read "Code Red" by Lisa Lister.  It's an inspiring book, which teaches you all about the menstrual cycle in a really accessible way. She's funny! It's inspired many women with whom I've shared it, and it certainly helped me to re-align my menstrual cycle with the moon post baby and drop a little more deeply into womb wisdom and the cyclical nature of being a woman.

With love and gratitude!

xx

Yoni eggs!

I'd never heard of a yoni egg until about three months after Eben's arrival in the world.  I was understandably a little ungrounded, as one tends to be after the birth of a baby, especially when said baby arrived six weeks early, and an intuitive healer suggested an obsidian yoni egg might both ground me and strengthen my pelvic floor.

I was familiar with the term 'yoni' as I teach a 'yoni yoga' class - it means place to call home, or vagina. I had certainly been coming home to myself since discovering and working with the term 'yoni' during my (womb based) yoga practice. However I had not until that point come across the concept of essentially placing a crystal egg into my vagina. 

Still I'm open minded and I could imagine the benefit and wondered how it had escaped my attention all those years. I duly commissioned my kind cousin, Yolande, to source  me a good quality obsidian yoni egg, which she duly did, and sent it to me here in Guernsey.

It was a beautiful egg, and I was quite certain of its grounding qualities.  However there was one small problem - it lacked a little hole through which I could tie a piece of thread.  This would mean inserting the yoni egg into my vagina without having anything to pull it out with afterwards (sorry to be so graphic!).

I tentatively gave it a go but had a bit of a minor panic that the thing would get lost up in there. needless to say my mind went into overdrive and within the course of fifteen seconds I had already run through the potential conversation I would have with the nurses here in A&E as I explained to them what I was attempting to do by placing a crystal egg up into my vagina, and no it wasn't some strange sexual thing and yes, I did know it was very silly blah blah blah.

Fortunately I came to my sense and realised that it was very unlikely the yoni egg would get lost up there, simply because it's a rather heavy thing and gravity being gravity would encourage it earthwards in any event.  Still the damage was done, and I quickly removed the egg and it has sat (clean) on my altar ever since!

A couple of months later I became increasingly aware that my pelvic floor was not what it had once been. I may practice yoga daily and work with my bandhas, but nonetheless an unexpected sneeze or a quick run to/from the car would potentially cause a tiny leakage (quite common by the way once you've had a baby).  This was not good!  So my sister in law suggested to me a yoni egg and with that I set about looking for one.

However I just never came across one despite looking in Glastonbury on two separate visits and in crystal shops in Brighton too.  Then over Christmas I read Dr Christiane Northrup's new book, Making Life Easy, and in here she talks about the benefit of using a yoni egg to assist with pelvic flooring healing and I took it as a sign that I needed to do something about sourcing one.

Usually i don't like to buy significant crystal stuff from Amazon as I prefer to get a feel for it first, but I there caution to the wind and decided that whatever one came to me was the right one for me.  From what little I had read on the yoni eggs, I had an awareness that they are often made from jade or obsidian, but neither of these resonated with me, I wanted rose quartz.

So I placed an order and a week or so later my three rose quartz yoni eggs arrived in a beautiful box and so my journey with yoni eggs good and proper began.

It's really important to cleanse crystals and remove any of the energies which they have absorbed on their journey to you. So I soaked them in salts (epsom as it happens) before leaving them out on the window sill in the light of the moon and the sun.   And then i got going and haven't looked back since!

I'm certainly no expert on yoni eggs but from what I gather, there are different sizes depending on whether you've had children previously and the state of the pelvic and vaginal muscles. It's really fascinating, because I've never really given too much thought to my vaginal muscles, especially as I had caesarean sections with both my boys.

I also had no idea of their healing potential.  I honestly just thought I was using them to strengthen my pelvic floor muscles, I had no idea the they would help me to heal past sexual trauma.  This was a huge revelation to me and the reason that I felt drawn to write this blog post.

Sexual trauma is not often talked about.  Even in healing sessions, while an intuitive healer may have some awareness, it's just not somewhere you necessarily raise with your client very easily. And certainly it's not something that tends to be discussed openly - often it's not even discussed between good friends, because the shame and pain can be all consuming and difficult to voice out loud.

If I'm honest I thought I'd dealt with it.  I've done a lot of inner healing work over the years and a lot of forgiveness, so it came as a surprise when I had a couple of flashbacks, which brought it all flooding back. I felt desperately edgy - angry, frustrated, sad and shameful all in one go - and I didn't know what to do with myself other than run away from the feeling, it was desperately uncomfortable.

But I've grown more curious over the years, to delve deeper to try to find the root of whatever i'm feeling. What really was coming up for me?  Well I was incredibly surprised to find that while I may have done lots of forgiveness work, I hadn't actually forgiven myself, not properly -  I hadn't forgiven myself for the choices I had made, the decisions I had taken, the thoughts I had allowed myself to think, that led me to that moment.

"Ah ha", it was like a light switch being turned on, all of a sudden I could see so clearly how much I have been beating myself up over the years, and the manner in which my life she been shaped by that experience ever since. It was almost a relief. Of course. I needed to make peace with myself properly.

Grace intervened after then, as if the awareness had allowed light to flood in.  There is a timing to everything. My sacrum went out of alignment, as it always does when my body's re-setting after an energy shift, from the pelvis and root too, funnily enough.  This all coincided with a reflexology treatment where the theme was self-love and a massage/Reiki session, where I felt my pelvis actually moving as Reiki was channelled onto my feet.  I love Reiki!

I awoke the next day and felt so much lighter than I've felt for a long time - and there I'd been praying for lightness in my life. And here now, the body lighter, like a weight has been lifted, as if it's all OK now, no need to go over it again, no need to analyse any more, to play the victim role, to feel anything but, well indifference actually, and also compassion for the person I was then, who was doing the best she could with what limited wisdom she had available to her, we're not perfect. 

And it wasn't until the day after then that I realised that this had all happened after bringing yoni eggs into my life and rose quartz into my vagina. Rose Quartz is the stone of universal love. It is said to restore trust and harmony in relationships, encouraging unconditional love. It also purifies and opens the heart at all levels to promote love, self-love, friendship, deep inner healing and feelings of peace - it's amazing!

I googled, "yoni eggs and sexual trauma" and was amazed to see that there is a recognised link between the two.  How come no one has ever told me this?  Well probably for the same reason that you too may not realise the connection.  No one talks about sexual trauma and no one talks about yoni eggs!

Sometimes I'm just completely blown away by the mysteries of the Universe and how things unfold. I'm incredibly grateful.

Perhaps if you've just stumbled across this posting, it might be a sign that you too may benefit from investing in a yoni egg.  There's lots of stuff on the internet about them, they're incredible, we ladies should all be using them!

Love for the yoni!

x

Part 29 - The Light of Surrender

Our lives were filled with light that Thursday morning; as if the surrendering brought with it a rush of support from the Universe.

There were Earth angels everywhere as I was assigned the most beautifully funny and reassuring midwife who was the embodiment of compassion and understanding.  She was supported by another midwife who happens to be the best friend of my cousin-in-law.  It was perfect.  Ladies who cared and who were in part familiar to me.

My parents kindly rushed around collecting some things for me from the cottage and dropping them into the ward as we hadn’t brought anything with us that morning.  While I was deemed an emergency, we had time, and all I asked was the opportunity to take a shower, which was granted.

I enjoyed standing bent over in the shower cubicle, the water washing over my back and cleansing me. I needed to feel clean ahead of the surgery.  It also gave me time and the space to be on my own too, processing events and coming to terms with my present reality.

The contracting had eased at this point, and I was feeling decidedly calm about everything. After some time, I dried myself and sat quietly, holding my precious lump of rose quartz, dropping awareness within and noticing how it felt; was there any residual fear and could I let go of this? I then sat with my breath until I felt aligned and centred.  I checked my pendulum, yes, now I was ready.

While I was showering, E was shown around the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit (“NICU”) for babies, which I’d been shown around when I’d been in hospital a few days earlier. I hadn’t been too interested, because back then I hadn’t expected the baby to arrive at 34 weeks.  Even now I wasn’t too fazed, there was mention that the baby may need support in the delivery room, but my sole focus was on the birth.

Back at my bed the final arrangements were put in place. I had asked to keep my placenta and a tub was found for this.  I’d also asked for vaginal seeding to take place although this was refused me – the specialist almost laughed that I’d suggested it in the first place.

One of the reasons I had resisted a Caesarean birth was due to the increased risk of health conditions in childhood as the baby is deprived of the bacteria that live in the mother’s vagina.

One way around this is to collect the mother’s vaginal fluid on a piece of gauze prior to the birth and wipe this gauze over the baby’s mouth, face and body directly after birth.  This will help to kick start the baby’s immune system and gut by exposing the baby to a diverse mix of bacteria.

However, I was told that this would be extremely risky given that I had an infection and the baby was being born so early. I accepted this easily, the baby’s wellbeing was paramount and I had to respect the knowledge and experience of the medical team, even if this went against my own understanding of things. 

By late morning they were ready in theatre for me and I was ready to meet my baby. I walked to theatre this time, which made a huge difference psychologically, as if I was giving my full consent to the process and not being pushed in a bed as had happened previously.

Arriving at the theatre it was still a relatively alien environment to me, although this time I had none of the fear that had gripped me previously. The theatre nurse assigned to me was another Earth angel who did all he could to care for me.

I knew with certainty that the Universe had my back and that I was being truly supported. I also had my mantra running constantly thought my mind, “love not fear” and it was this that I repeated to myself as the spinal block was applied.

It was actually a relief to be anaesthetised because the contractions had started up again and it was a challenge to stay present to these and do what was asked of me in terms of my positioning on the bed.  The theatre nurses were very kind and I held one of their hands as I focused in on my breath. 

The spinal block soon took effect and we went through the usual checks.  I had made the anaesthetist aware of the issues I had experienced with Elijah’s birth and she was another angel who kept talking to me and making sure that I felt ok. Before I knew it E was beside me wearing his blue theatre attire.

It all seemed to happen very quickly after then and we held hands as our son was born at 12.21pm on Thursday 20 October 2016 with E watching on. Here he was safely Earthside, our little grounded warrior, Eben Ron McInnes, whose name had chosen itself months earlier.

We liked the name when we were looking at names for Elijah and we just had a sense that if we had another boy he would be called Eben. The name is Hebrew and means “stone of help” and this felt rather appropriate to me because in utero he felt grounded.  Furthermore, I had this sense that this was a healing baby and would help in the world as he was now helping me.

As we had named Elijah after E’s Dad, Iain, we had agreed that if we had a boy, he would name him after my Dad, Ron. The name comes from Old Norse and means “warrior”, and he seemed to be living up to this name already.

Eben weighed 5lb 1oz, which was a brilliant weight for a baby born six weeks premature, but he needed oxygen upon delivery and while I got a glance of him, he was immediately whisked away to the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit, while I was stitched up again.

I was jubilant, we had another son, a gift from above.  And his birth too was a gift, for I had been given the opportunity to embody surrender. This was all I had ever wanted to experience; the surrender that accompanies the birthing process.  I too, felt re-birthed.

There was nothing to fight against. There was just this incredible sense of peace and calmness. The Universe had our back. We were bathed in love and with that came the realisation that that’s all there is.  We are all heart, just like our babies had shown at their 6 week’s scan. There is nothing to fear and nowhere else to be but in the moment.

We were in the flow and that meant constantly surrendering to the present, whatever it may give. And I was grateful for this realisation over the coming week ahead.

Wild yogini and the moon

I started bleeding this week. It was such a relief.  I’ve had 20 months without bleeding, well not with menstrual bleeding, what with pregnancy and then the post-natal period.

The pregnancy was fine, it’s pregnancy after all and brings with it its own rhythm.  But the post-natal period is a tough one.  I was bleeding for the first six weeks after the birth and then I was so exhausted that it was a relief not to have to factor in the exhaustion that can accompany the menstrual cycle too.

However, by six months I was ready to get back into the menstrual groove again and while I could feel rumblings, I felt a little rudderless, without my menstrual navigational system kicking in.

So I welcomed the blood that appeared two days before the Pisces full moon and I was excited about the timing. That’s not bad is it, to be two days short of the full moon when you haven’t bled for almost two years? I was certainly delighted.

It was a joy to crouch down and bleed directly onto the Earth again in the light of the full moon in all her glory. I was smiling from ear to ear, it was like I’d properly come home again, and then I did a little dance in the garden.

You might ask yourself what E was doing when the menstrual moon shenanigans were taking place? Watching TV of course, he’s a good one that one, knows what’s going on but chooses to overlook the detail!

Not that there was much ignoring it the next morning when I went skinny dipping at Petit Bot. I’m a wild yogini at heart and what better way to truly get wild then to swim at high tide, without clothes, in the early morning light and bleeding too. I felt properly cleansed by the sea and the moon.

It was good too as my vampire boy at ten months has puncture wounded both my nipples with his sharp teeth and relentless night time feeding so the salt water helped with this healing too.

Now if you’re reading this and getting a little bit judgemental then take that as a sign that perhaps you’re meant to be getting into your menstrual moon and naked sea swimming grove too.  Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

I wish more women would get up close and personal about their menstrual cycles.  There’s nothing dirty about it.  Quite the opposite.  It’s incredibly empowering and enlightening to track your cycle and embrace your bleeding days with whatever helps to connect you deeper to the earth and your womb wisdom.

I’ve written about it before – have a look here if you would like to read more - http://www.beinspiredby.co.uk/blog/2016/9/19/moon-cycles-and-lady-cycles-welcoming-womb-wisdom

I appreciate also that sometimes the arrival of the blood is not something to be celebrated because it means another month without getting pregnant.  I hear you, I’ve been there myself. But actually if you are struggling to get pregnant, then getting up close and personal with your menstrual cycle should be paramount.  Greet it and meet it, it’ll have a message for you.

So that’s me shared, wearing something red, and chilling out on my yoga mat.  I’m hoping to record a yoga video for menstruation soon, because it really changes how I feel to move my body on my mat (not so much but a little) and I’m keen to share this with others as it really supports me during this period (quite literally!).

I also love to prop myself for a yoga nidra, and raise my legs up on the bed.  I also love to sit and watch my breath and see what arises from my womb space.  It’s insightful I can tell you.

So whether you’re a wild yogini moon lady or not, I hope you’re enjoying the waning moon energy, and get to check in to the energy of your cycle too.

Part 27 - Preterm pre-labour rupture of the membranes

One of the few things I had brought with me to the hospital from Herm was my laptop, so after a few hours of restless sleep, I gave up trying and researched all I could on ‘waters breaking early’ instead. 

The baby lies in an amniotic sac of fluid or ‘waters’ and ‘waters breaking’ means that the sac has ruptured or broken. Waters normally break around the time that labour is due but in around 2% of pregnancies they break early. The medical term for this condition is PPROM, which stands for preterm pre-labour rupture of the membranes and means that the waters have broken before the baby has reached full term (37 weeks).

Intrauterine infection is present in around third of women with PPROM but in most cases it happens without any infection being present. The reasons for these cases is unclear, however it has been linked to heavy smoking during pregnancy.

At that time, I didn’t have any signs of infection and I wasn’t a smoker so it was considered just ‘one of those things’. I couldn’t help thinking however that the Goddess of the Moon had a role to play in all this and certainly that role became clearer in the days ahead.

I had thought that once the waters break, the pregnant lady immediately goes into labour but I discovered that this isn’t the case, contrary to the scene depicted in many a film (the recent Bridget Jones is a classic example of this).

When waters break early, the treatment is dependant on the stage of the pregnancy. There is an increased risk of going into labour prematurely and this brings with it the health risks for the baby of early birth, which are obviously greater the younger they are. There’s also the risk that if the pregnant woman doesn’t go into labour that she and the baby are at risk of infection.

The specialists had to balance these two considerations. If the waters had broken because of infection, then there would be an increased risk of the baby getting the infection and delivery may have to be immediate. 

When the waters have broken but there is no infection present, as in my case, then while both of us were still at risk, the immediate risk is lesser and the treatment depends again on the stage of pregnancy.

It was agreed that I would remain in hospital for the initial 24 hours so that I could be monitored for infection and have steroids administered to help the baby’s lungs fully develop.  Furthermore, if I was going to go into early labour then it is more likely to happen in that 24-hour period following the waters breaking.

My body was continuously replacing amniotic fluid to protect the baby, but as the sac was broken it was not retained and was constantly trickling out of me.  It was the strangest sensation and I had to wear pads to collect the fluid, which I needed to change regularly.  The fluid was a clear/pinkish colour and I had to keep checking that this didn’t become greenish or brown, which would indicate infection. I was encouraged to drink lots of water to enable the body to use this to create the amniotic fluid.

I found it funny – the Goddess of the Moon was up to her tricks again.  Earlier on in the pregnancy I had made a real fuss about the due date as the dating scan at 12 weeks had given me an earlier date than the clinic.  I couldn’t understand the reason the medical profession would work from the computer generated date, when I quite clearly knew the exact date of conception because of the clinical manner in which the baby had been conceived.

I was concerned, back then, of intervention at 40 weeks as the specialist I initially saw told me that he wouldn’t want me carrying the baby beyond the 40-week period.  Thus I had been very keen that the medical profession use the date given to me by the clinic as this would ‘buy’ me an extra four days of pregnancy before any talk of intervention.

Now however, the earlier due date was working in my favour because it meant that I reached the ‘safe’ 34 weeks four days earlier than if we had used the due date given to me by the clinic. Thus when Monday arrived, I’d reached 34 weeks per the dating scan and I was administered the final steroid. I could almost hear the midwives sighing with relief that we’d managed to get to that date without me going into labour.

Over the course of that initial 24-hour period in hospital, I saw three different specialists and they all agreed that I should be allowed to go home and continue life as normal, except no baths, no sex and no teaching yoga.  I was to return to the ward every other day for monitoring and to check for any signs of infection by continuing to regularly take my temperature and check my discharge. 

The intention was to keep the baby in utero for as long as possible, but no longer than 37 weeks when the baby is considered full term.  At that point I would need to have a Caesarean delivery as the baby was breech and without the amniotic fluid, there was no way it could turn now. This was far from ideal as I was still adamant that I didn’t want to have a Caesarean section and I was going to do all I could to fight for a vaginal delivery.

I raised the issue with each of the specialists in turn.  My lovely lady specialist was adamant that that wasn’t going to be an option. Another was aware that the Hannah Term Breech Trial had been flawed and that while there were risks with a breech delivery, there were also risks associated with a Caesarean Section and it was a case of seeing what happened.  The other wouldn’t give an opinion either way and left me with some hope that possibly I could convince him of a vaginal breech delivery when we got to decision day.

I spoke to the midwives at length about breech delivery too and enquired whether any of them would be able to facilitate this delivery, but the answer was a resounding ‘no’. There is now a lot of fear surrounding vaginal breech delivery and many midwives are not trained to support such a birth.

It was frustrating and yet I was still so determined. I prayed with increased vigour for a resolution that would find the baby miraculously turning and tried to keep my thinking positive. 

Around this time, I emailed my four University friends and shared with them the recent events and my desperation to avoid another Caesarean Section. One of them had had a planned Caesarean section as her son was also breech and the another one had experienced both an emergency and a planned Caesarean Section. Both were keen to allay my fears and assure me that a Caesarean birth could be both empowering, intimate and beautiful.

While I was still stubbornly resistant to the idea of a Caesarean Section, their comments did get me thinking.  I knew without doubt that my experience of Caesarean Section had not been empowering, intimate or beautiful, yet I began questioning whether that was due to the placenta previa more than the procedure per se.

I was released from hospital that Monday late morning and returned home to find the book I had ordered on the Saturday “The Universe Has Your Back” by Gabrielle Bernstein, had arrived. This book is about relinquishing the need to control our lives, to transmute fear into love, find safety in the face of uncertainty, joy in what might otherwise be pain and to recognise that the Universe has your back. It was certainly well timed.

If there was one thing I needed to be reminded of right now it was that the Universe had my back and that there was a greater plan at work here.  Deep down I already knew this, but I realised that I needed to try to come to terms with the possibility of a Caesarean Section and address all the fears that were attached to this.  I had to see the love, and strengthen my faith in a peaceful outcome, whatever that may mean.

My colleagues thought I was mad returning to work on the Tuesday with my waters broken but the specialists believed that this was the safest option for me as it meant I was sitting for most of the day.  They were all nervous though and there were jokes of a delivery in the office.

I felt fine, albeit that I was constantly leaking amniotic fluid and I couldn’t feel the baby kicking so easily now, so there were moments of minor panic. However, the more I read my new book, the more I started to realise that this was all a lesson in overcoming fear and stepping into a place of love and trust instead. 

I felt this overwhelming need to try and get on top of my workload and finish off loose ends. This feeling increased that evening and I had a fretful night’s sleep as I ran over in my mind all that I needed to do to ensure that my workload was in a position to handover to someone else.

I woke up feeling energised and raring to get on with the day. Firstly, however I needed to get in the sea, as I just felt I needed cleansing and grounding ahead of the day. We all traipsed down to the beach and I remember the intimacy of it and mentioned to E that I didn’t think I would be back again for a while and that we needed to capture this moment just the three of us.

I had to go into the hospital that morning so that my temperature could be checked and for the baby’s heart to be monitored. Basically this means that two flat devices (sensors) are held in place over the baby bump by elastic belts and the baby’s heart beat is recorded on a chart and checked for any abnormalities.

I also had to press a button each time the baby kicked so the midwives could monitor the baby’s movements.  Other than that I got to lie back and read my book, which was constantly reminding me to turn to love and away from fear.

After that I headed into the office and worked as quickly as I could to tie off loose ends.  I remember being so focused and busy that I didn’t even stop to eat anything. I had resigned from my job a few months earlier but a replacement had not yet been found.  So I wrote notes detailing all aspects of my role so that someone could easily come in and pick this up from me if necessary.

By 5pm I was finished and it was a huge weight off my mind. I felt like I could finally relax, although I had this sense that I needed to go to a church and pray. E and Elijah joined me and we tried our local church, St Andrews, where E’s Dad’s ashes are kept but this was strangely closed.  We visited E’s Dad’s grave nonetheless, which felt appropriate in the circumstances.

We then headed to St Martin’s church, as it was the next closest one to us, and it was only when we arrived that I realised why we had been directed here.  Outside the church is a granite standing stone or Menhir dating from 2500 – 1800BC, which is shaped as a female figure and is known as La Gran’mère du Chimquière. New brides place flowers on her head for luck and she is adorned with flowers on May Day.

I couldn’t help feeling that I needed her energy and wisdom in my life now too, so I touched her, said a prayer, gave thanks and asked for her support. We then briefly visited the church and I prayed to Mary for a miracle.  I still wanted the baby to turn from its breech position and I was hoping for Divine intervention!

I felt comforted by our church visitation and returned home feeling that now I could relax as everything was completed. It was perfect timing for a facial appointment I had booked later that evening as a post-retreat treat, an opportunity to finally relax, or so I thought!

Moon Cycles and Menstrual Cycles: Welcoming Womb Wisdom

So ladies, do you know where are we in the moon cycle? How about your own cycle? Perhaps some of you are pregnant or menopausal and don’t consider that you have a cycle.  Well my lovely lady friend, regardless of your stage of womanhood you’ll have a cycle of sorts and you may well have recognised this yourself. You may also have recognised a connection between your cycle and the moon cycle because it’s the moon cycle that so powerfully affects how us women feel.

Since the beginning of time people have been influenced by the moon and its phases – everyone is “moon touched” although some more than others.  The moon can influence our energies in a powerful way and I am sure that we all have some experience of this. For our ancestor’s moon watching was a part of life as it helped to light the skies and guide hunters, warriors and travellers safely through the dark and back to their tribes.

Furthermore, as our ancestors looked to the heavens, they saw how the moon waxed and waned, how night turned into day, spring into summer, and summer into winter. They saw the seas ebb and flow; plants bring forth grain and life burst forth from the womb.  Everything in nature seemed to move in harmony with the phases of the moon, including women’s menstrual cycles and pregnancy.

The wise women before us were totally in synch with the moon.  They were fertile when the moon was fertile and they rested when the moon rested. Today we are often totally out of synch with the moon’s cycles – many of us have little idea of where we are within our own cycle, let alone where we are with the moon cycle and whether there is any correlation between the two – you may be an exception to that of course!

Each phase of the moon brings with it its own significance:

The new moon – this is when the moon is directly between the Earth and the Sun and is therefore hidden from view and provides no light. This can be a great time for starting new projects, planting seeds and setting out intentions for the moon cycle.

Waxing half moon – when the moon is waxing it is getting bigger in the sky, moving from the new moon to the full moon. The energy is building so this is a good time to take steps towards establishing and realising plans and intentions, trying new and challenging ventures, meeting new people and being proactive. This is also the time to get out there and walk in wild places, connect with the birds, animals and signs that nature puts in your path.

Full moon – this is when the moon is full and forms a perfect sphere and is present in all her magnificent Divine glory. The day and the night of the full moon is a time when the energy is most powerful.  This is a time of great fertility and increased psychic awareness.  It is a wonderful time to celebrate the moon and her seasonal gifts by outdoor evening meditation and enjoying drumming, fires, gazing at the moon and singing and dancing with friends.

Waning full moon – the waning moon is decreasing in size, moving from the full moon towards the new moon. As the energies of the moon become less, so it becomes a good time to think of letting go, banishing those things from our life that we no longer need, those things that hold us back such as bad habits or bad addictions.  This is the time to do less and reflect more, contemplation, meditate, listen to music and tend to the seeds that you have planted.

Dark moon – this period arises just before the new moon.  It is often a time to take the pressure off, give into the low energy that you may experience, it is a great time to reflect on where you want to go next in preparation for the new moon.  So give yourself a break and enjoy sitting outdoors, retreating from the world a little, pampering yourself and allowing the quiet into your life.

Our lives are often so busy that we don’t notice the subtle and indeed not so subtle cyclical changes of the seasons and the moon cycle. Even those of us living by the sea often have no idea of the tides and whether they are high or low.  Furthermore, we miss the signs from nature that it is time to let go and move on to another stage of being in our lives whether that be month to month or year to year. We also miss the signs and messages that come to us through our feminine cycles, which potentially serve as a guide in how we may positively and creatively live our lives.

Our menstrual cycle is deeply spiritual and incredibly powerful.  It is a cycle that moves girl to woman, through to mother, through to wise woman and on to crone. It’s the way in which we connect with our innate feminine wisdom – the wisdom of our grandmothers and great grandmothers and all the wise women that have lived before us – and it is available to us all the time.  This wisdom is held in our womb, and is better known as our intuition, our knowing, our power and shows up throughout our cycle.  We’re amazing us ladies, just as men are amazing in their own masculine, “gut’ instinct way.

However often women have the added complication of the effect of medicating with synthetic hormones which further removes them from the ability to truly connect with their inner wisdom. When the blood arrives so many try to do what they can not to have to acknowledge it, using tampons and trying to carry on life as normal. No allowance is given to the need to slow things down, retreat and let the blood flow of its own accord down to earth, allowing the downward movement of the energy of menstruation.  It’s perhaps not surprising that so many women end up with dis-ease in this area of the body and suffer with menstrual issues, fertility issues, depression, anxiety, paranoia, stress and exhaustion.

Furthermore, should any pain be experienced - which is our body’s way of trying to communicate with us - then there’s a tendency to self-medicate with pain killers, alcohol, or recreational drugs and disregard the messages that the body is trying to convey, the fact it is even trying to get attention in the first place.  I know, I used to do this myself.  That’s the reason I ended up with PMS and other menstrual issues. I wasn’t listening.  I was trying to negate all emotions, all feelings and live consistently. But really we want to feel.  This is what makes us women, whole and real.  And we should make no apologies for this.

Sadly, however, we don’t realise – or even recognise, let alone respect – our power, the power that comes from listening in deeply to our heart, body and womb and noticing our shifting energy both during our monthly cycle and beyond into menopause. Furthermore, we don’t recognise that our bodies are also deeply in tune (or have the potential to be deeply in tune) with the cycles of the seasons, the elements, and the moon. And that essentially our cycles reveal all we need to know to live our life to a full and happy potential, in touch with our soul.

The phases of our cycle are like the phases of the moon and of nature, there are correlations:

The waxing moon, spring and pre-ovulation. This is the first phase of the cycle and usually begins around day seven all the way through to day thirteen. Every lady is different but around day seven you will start to come out of your winter retreat as increasing oestrogen levels boost your brain’s serotonin levels and you should experience an increase in energy and excitement about life! You’ll feel much more yourself and want to engage with the world again.  In fact, this stage of the cycle makes you more verbally articulate, creative, fearless, confident and full of self-belief.  This is the time to party, to dance, to give presentations, to be active and to make things happen.

The full moon, summer and ovulation. This is the second phase of the cycle, the time you are most likely to get pregnant as one of your two ovaries releases an egg (well in theory anyway). This is the second phase of the cycle and generally begins around day thirteen all the way through to day twenty-one. You’ll likely to be feeling pretty good about yourself and will be doing all you can to attract a lover into your life.  This is the time when oestrogen and testosterone reach their highest peaks and like the full moon, who is ripe and has reached her full potential, you too become full and blooming too.

This is the time to truly get out there, being with other people, and enjoying the most productive and creative part of your cycle so that working hard will come easily as you’ll have tons of energy!  Essentially this is the time to manifest whether that involves creating a baby or birthing projects – each month you have the opportunity to reap the rewards of the seeds you planted in the Spring and create the life you want to live.  This is most definitely a pleasurable time of each cycle indeed!

Waning moon, autumn and pre-menstruation. This is the third phase of your cycle and if your egg wasn’t fertilised during ovulation, from approximately day twenty-three though to menstruation, you will now experience a withdrawal of oestrogen, testosterone and progesterone. This withdrawal can create all sorts of feelings from depression to anxiety, from mood swings to full-on anger outbursts, let alone all the tears that may come, and insecurities about your appearance and your ability to do anything well. It’s not a great time for many of us, especially when you add in the sore breasts, cramps, spots, headaches, bloating etc. Still all is not in vain. 

We have now entered the more feminine and yin time of our cycle and we may have a desire to switch all the “doing” to “being”. But the trouble is – and I know this only too well – many of us push on through, thinking we should be doing and functioning and creating at the same levels that we did during the more masculine and high energy parts of the cycle. No, no, no. This is the time to slow things down, let go and truly connect with your inner Goddess, to let our heart and womb lead us into a more authentic and deeper way of being, to experience your own incredible unique wisdom.

The new moon, winter and menstruation. If you are not pregnant then you will start bleeding (in theory anyway). The day you start to bleed is day one of your cycle and this can last anything from three to eight or nine days. Initially your oestrogen levels are very low but around day three they start to increase and this is when you’ll experience a rise in energy levels and outlook on life. Initially the low oestrogen levels will be encouraging you to rest and to indulge in self-care and preservation, retreating from the world and just letting things be.  Then at day three when your oestrogen levels rise (and testosterone levels), you may begin to feel more yourself again. 

Our energy is different when we are bleeding. The body needs rest, it needs the space and time to allow the blood to flow and for us to step into the depth of our womb wisdom and retreat inside ourselves. I can highly recommend reading “The Red Tent” by Anita Diamant, which tells us all about the red tents that used to exist, where women went to birth and to bleed. Its seeing a revival at the moment and you may well have come across red tent movements, which are appearing throughout the Western world.

During menstruation you are more likely to experience increased clarity about the direction of your life, you can let go of that stuff that no longer serves you and you can cope more easily with change - and have a greater ability to simply move on. So let the blood flow – into the earth if you can – and let it all go.  This is a time to avoid masculine activities and skip the dynamic yoga practice especially any deep backbends, deep twists and inversions.

Can you remember when you first bled? I started bleeding when I was 13 and the moment was met with a degree of excitement, I still remember where I was and the exact date!  But it was all very hush, hush, not something that was actually celebrated as it may have been by our ancestors many, many years ago now. It was acknowledged not so much because of the transition from girl to women but because of the need now for sanitary products and managing one’s ability to take these into the school toilets without anyone else know about it!  I’m sure you’ve been there yourself, it was silly when I reflect back.  We should have been rejoicing with a sacred women’s circle and celebrating this enormous transition in life into womanhood, but times have changed and these days such events are not celebrated. 

But the trouble is I’m not sure life has changed for the better as women nowadays often have such little respect or even awareness or knowledge of what it means to menstruate. There have been times in my life where I have been as guilty about this as the rest.  I made no allowance for the cyclical nature of being a woman.  Absolutely none.  After all I was living – as we all are – in a patriarchal world with masculine constructs that provide no guidance, or indeed allowance, for the feminine menstrual experience. The emphasis is on analysing, striving, doing and being successful; it’s about being linear and consistent, showing up in exactly the same way day in and day out and just getting on with it.

But we women are not like that.  Not at all. We’ve this beautiful flowing, creative and feminine energy that is fluid and absolutely inconsistent. We present differently at various stages in our cycles and yet we are led to believe that we are crazy for this inconsistency, especially as men struggle to understand us as we’re always changing our minds!  It’s what we do.  We change. We transition from one part of our cycle to another and as we do so we feel differently and therefore we can act differently.

We’re not meant to just keep going all the time, absolutely not and yet we try to, I did, still do sometimes, it’s so deeply ingrained within us simply because of the patriarchal nature of our society that demands the consistency. This makes it very challenging to live another way and to embrace our feelings (all of them!) and acknowledge and indeed honour our different energy levels, moods and needs throughout our cycle and the wisdom that comes from this.

As Lisa Lister says in her fabulous book “Code Red” (every lady should read this): “When you don’t honour your cycle, your body, your womb, yourself – you will always break. Sometimes right away, sometimes a year or five later, but you will break because this is the way of the feminine. If you do not work with your cycle, you work yourself into a place of depletion, whether it’s shooting for the top rung of the career ladder or whether its keeping your shit together for the sake of your brand/family/parents/lover or any of the gazillion possibilities in between that woman do in order NOT to break. Thing is, if you ignore your cycle, the monthly ebb and flow, the opportunity to create and let go, the opportunity that we are given EVERY month to give our body, mind and spirit exactly what it needs in the phase that it needs it, you will break, because ignoring your cycle is ignoring SHE, the divine feminine and basically, she’ll keep encouraging you to break until the Hindu goddess Akhilanda, you become never NOT broken”.

The divine feminine communicates to us through our intuition.  We are that divine feminine, each and every one of us ladies, we have that power deep within us if only we would recognise it. Too often we disregard it, our intuition, the messages that our body is trying to convey to us, or we don’t hear it because we are so busy living in our heads, or we don’t trust in it or act upon it. Often we look outside of ourselves for validation of the choices and decisions we make in our lives assuming that some other person – friend, family member, doctor, healthcare professional, teacher – knows us better than we know ourselves. Or we look for external validation of our self-worth, needing constant reassurance from others.

Perhaps you recognise this in yourself. Do you constantly seek answers from outside of yourself before checking in for the answers inside yourself instead?  How often do you listen to your heart, womb and body and then trust in and act on the messages that they are trying to convey to you?  Do you rest when your body needs rest or do you just keep going regardless?  Do you eat what your body is telling you to eat, or what some diet says you should eat? Do you say ‘no’ when your intuition is telling you to say ‘no’ or do you just give in and say ‘yes’ instead? Do you stand up for what you believe in, or back down when others question/challenge this?

If you find yourself reading this, then perhaps this is a sign that now is the time to take a stand for you, for your life, to connect more deeply with your own cycle and the cycle of the moon and see what this reveals to you. Each month state your intent to connect to your inner wisdom and to follow your spiritual path, embracing your feminine power and manifesting the goodness of your spirit in all you do. And then listen in, really listen in. 

This is not to say that you may want to hear what you are hearing.  You may pretend to hear differently. Denial is a fabulous thing. But denial gets you no-where really.  Who are you really kidding? Drop deeper still.  Peak into the shadows, embrace the fear, keep listening, what is happening, what is on your mind, what comes out emotionally when you bleed? Your menstruation is absolutely always trying to tell you something and it will do what it can to make itself known to you, to encourage you to listen.

As Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes, “…it is truly confidence-building for us to recognise and honour the cycles of our lives and our bodies, in particular the menstrual cycle. These natural cycles offer great support for the unfolding of creativity. If we have the confidence that we can trust what our bodies teach us, and that we do not have to mask over or run away from the changing shifts and moods and altered consciousness and awareness that these cycles are showing us, then we come into powerful alignment with the infolding forces of creativity around and within us, and gain the sense of profound self-esteem that is a firm foundation for any creative act”.

Start charting your menstrual cycle.  Make a note of the changes in the way you feel and you may start to notice commonalities month by month. It is in this way and by dropping deep into the body that you will come to recognise your own truth. And by recognising your own truth, you will come to find the strength and courage, the faith then, to make the changes that need to be made to live a more heart-based, creative, intuitive and feminine way of living. It’s not always easy, I know this from my own experience, and while it may be an ongoing practice, it does get easier and it is worth the effort.

You are the divine feminine manifest, powerful and magnificent beyond your dreams. You can live the life that you choose. It’s all there for you. There will be signs. Learn to dance with your changing cycle and learn to dance with the moon and trust in her power to nurture and nourish you too. Together, in this way, us ladies can do our bit to collectively raise the feminine in all life, beginning with our own.

I shall leave you with the following quote, which sums it all up beautifully:

…[there is] an eternal light, and right out in front, shining ahead of a woman, like a presence which goes a little bit before her and reports back to her what it has found ahead. It is her perpetual reconnaissance…Yet, when one sees and senses thusly, then one has work to do something about what one sees. To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work. It causes work firstly in watching and comprehending of negative forces and imbalances both inward and outward. Secondly, it causes striving in the gathering up of will in order to do something about what one sees. (Estés 1993: 108)