Happy yule and new moon

Happy yule everyone, the winter solstice, shortest three days of the year when the sun reaches a standstill before beginning to swing farther north again, allowing more light…

It’s a potent point in the cycle, reminding us of trust…we trust that the sun will rise in the east each day and set in the west. Just as we trust that each out breath will be followed by an in breath, at least until the day we move on to the next realm. Here though, many ancient megalithic structures are aligned with the winter solstice, to honour this shortest day and to no doubt ease fears of the sun never returning again, slipping farther and farther south. But alas t doesn’t. There comes a point, today, when it stops it’s movement south and that is a time to celebrate.

In our lives we may be transforming too. Delving into the darkness to find more of the light. The Gayatri Mantra is worth a chant today, and practising sun salutations in honour of the sun, provider of life, without whom we would not be able to sustain ourselves, not least by what we eat, but by the vitamin D provided, and of course the heat and light.

I had a feeling it wouldn’t be very clear today so I headed out to La Vardes dolmen on Friday, when I knew I’d actually get to see a sunset. It’s common knowledge now that a ray of light shines through this dolmen at Yule, hitting the point where the pregnant belly of a female stone meets the straight body of a male stone in the back chamber, which I believe is a fertility chamber. Without doubt this dolmen is a goddess temple, a carving of goddess is even etched into one of the capstones, and there’s evidence of rock art genitalia. I can see the face of an owl too, and various other bits and bobs that this amazing dolmen has revealed to me over the time I have been visiting.

Anyway, I was lucky to the place to myself to see it ‘going off’ on Friday while the boys played outside. It felt such a gift, because last year there were over 30 people in there with dogs and phones and chatter and general chaos, which sort of detracted from this most awesome spiritual moment, which was usually only enjoyed by a few of us over the last few years, the hard core ones amongst us who would troop up there day after day hopeful for clear skies.

We headed over to Sark that afternoon and I was lucky to enjoy a shooting star or two that night as I traipsed over to Little Sark and enjoyed all this magical island has to offer at night time and a visit to the dolmen of course, hidden as it is right there on the south coast, certainly I always get this place to myself, which is the best way!

I celebrated winter solstice sunset last night, ahead of time, simply because of the forecast for today, not looking so good. There’s an alignment on the south coast, the sun setting between some rocks, it’s rather special and the boys got to enjoy this with me again. It’s a gift to be able to see the sun rise and set like this and I am very grateful.

The message I am receiving over yule and the wane to the new moon on Friday is one of retreat, rest, solitude, silence, space and deepening into Self. I am keen to embrace this and dig deeper into this new moon cycle and clear out what needs to be clearer out, to create more space, and be very quiet, hermit like! So unless I get a momentary creative urge, then I probably won’t be on here again until the new year…so just to wish you all a happy yule and new moon beginnings and all these offer to you in the darkness that they bring, and of course a merry Christmas and happy new year for those celebrating.

Love Emma x

Mothering oneself ahead of menopause

I have seen quite a few women recently, especially older mothers who are really up against themselves. Not least because they are experiencing the tiredness that comes at this time of year, as we descend to the darkest days of the year, which demands our resting, while trying at the same time to keep going and manage all that Christmas demands of us. Add in hormonal shifts as we begin the transition from one way of being to another that the perimenopausal years bring with them and we are likely to feel a touch squeezed.

What I have noticed within all this, and again especially with older mothers who are navigating primary-aged motherhood while also navigating the beginning of the change to enchantress and on to crone, that they feel anything but enchanted. Maybe because they came to motherhood late, they have thrown everything to it and lost themselves along the way. Not to say that younger mothers haven’t done the same, just that energy levels for older mothers aren’t necessarily what they were when younger, and sometimes there are established careers to manage too, or at least the need to earn money continues regardless of age that one comes to motherhood.

The mother guilt can be huge around doing anything to nourish themselves, taking time out, going within, and looking at the internal landscape, giving back a little. Not only that but also connecting to a deeper level fo self and indeed truth. Many of these women are putting up with lives which don’t quite fit but not sure what to do about it and feeling selfish for putting themselves first.

This happens naturally, around mid forties. It’s how we come to embrace our inner power, cutting back dead woods, letting go of people who drain our energy, exiting dead end relationships, seriously considering what we want to do with ourselves in the latter part of our life, beyond our role as mother. We might also finally start to recognise that unless we do something now to love and accept ourselves, then it probably isn’t going to happen - at some point in our lives we have to look at ourselves honestly and what we want living forwards.

And while some will feel selfish for taking the time to look at themselves, it is absolutely necessary. Otherwise we are teaching our children that it’s OK to lose oneself to someone else, that it’s OK to spend your life in dead end relationships and jobs that don’t fulfil us and that often take advantage of us. That it’s OK to disrespect ourselves, to not care for and love ourselves.

But really it’s not OK and goes against our micro managing of our children’s lives as we try to reduce the harm done. And yet even this is an illusion because we can only ever base this on harm done to ourselves and the way that our mind and motional body has perceived/felt it. And our children are their own little beings with their own emotional body and mental perception and they can have exactly the same experiences as us, but perceive them and respond to them totally differently. So really we can let ourselves off the hook and just get on with getting on, knowing we are doing our best, life is not always easy and we each have a unique soul journey.

Whichever way we look at it, regardless of the age of our children as we approach our mid forties we are up against ourselves. But the quicker we can notice this and take ownership of it, doing something about it, taking time to nourish, nurture and heal ourselves, looking honestly at our lives, at what is working and not, of where our energy is being wasted, of the way we talk to and relate to ourselves, whether we are always pushing, whether we deal with our stresses and anxieties, whether we have resolved our trauma, then the less we will be burdened down by it as we enter menopause.

Menopause brings with it a huge change in the way we live and relate to self and it can floor people if they haven’t been doing the work to prepare themselves, if their life is out of balance and they have given themselves away to others. Menopause tries to bring you back home, but the body can do some pretty radical things to get your attention if you have been ignoring it thus far.

So really we absolutely need to ut ourselves first at times. Follow our joy. Fill ourselves up. Stop micro managing and controlling our lives and those we care for Love our children but don’t take away their right to their own experience of life. And definitely not to lose ourselves along the way. Freedom ultimately, from all that binds us and takes us further away from the truth of who we are.

Anyway I stumbled across this fab quote from Dr Christiane Northrup which I just love as it sums it up perfectly…

Mothering Myself

In a society preoccupied with how best to raise a child

I’m finding a need to mesh what’s best for my children with

What’s necessary to be a well-balanced mother.

I’m recognising that ceaseless giving translates into giving yourslef

away.

And when you’ve given yourself away, you’re not a healthy other

and you’re not a healthy self.

So, now I am leaning to be a woman first and a mother second.

I’m learning to just experience my own emotions without robbing

my children of their individual dignity by feeling their emotions too.

I’m learning that a healthy child will have his own set of emotions

and characteristics that are his alone.

And, very different to mine.

I’m learning the importance of honest exchanges of feelings because

pretences don’t fool children,

They know their mother better than she knows herself.

I’m learning that no one overcomes her past unless she confronts it.

Otherwise, her children will absorb exactly what she’s attempting to overcome.

I’m learning that words of wisdom fall on death ears if my actions

contradict my deeds.

Children tend to be better impersonators than listeners.

I’m learning that life is meant to be filled with as much sadness

and pain as happiness and pleasure.

And allowing ourselves to feel everything life has to offer is an

indicator of fulfilment.

I’m learning that fulfilment can’t be attained through giving

myself away.

But, through giving to myself and sharing with others,

I’m learning that the best way to teach my children to live a

fulfilling life is not by sacrificing my life.

It’s through living a fulfilling life myself.

I’m trying to teach my children that I have a lot to learn

because I’m learning that letting go of them

Is the best way of holding on”

x

Opening to greater love - clearing the heart

Well that was a punchy moon! A much needed one too. She gifted many lessons in her wax, and a realisation of many things on her initial wane.

I know many of you were working through the same themes around security and rejection and opening to greater love as a number of clients were heading into that territory on the day of the moon herself. Fortunately after a deep dive into the darkness and with the help of a timely book and the honesty of a friend, I was finally able to see through the illusion of all of this - it’s been a long time in coming!

And yes, the heart being cracked open with the bike fall allowed a deep healing of suppressed feelings of betrayal, grief and indeed broken dreams, let alone a final surrender to one’s love for self. We can pussy foot around this theme our whole lives but at some point we have to dive in, clear away the mud and the weeds and all the resistance we have from finally accepting, our own wonderful and beautiful essence.

Once we’ve cracked through the other side, we might wonder why it took us so long. What could be more amazing than finally valuing and loving ourself. It amazes me actually, the many ways we give ourselves away and give more of ourselves to others than we give to ourself as if it is somehow selfish to love and care for ourself as if we are somehow neglecting others or upsetting them if we put their needs before our own. Bonkers really, but this is how society conditions us and it take time to shift that perspective.

Anyway, what I noticed when I deep dived into all this, mainly because the universe had grown impatient and clearly it was time to finally succumb to it, was the many ways we distance ourself from our heart simply because of our fears around being hurt. This feeds in beautifully with the whole rejection theme, which is a huge one really. We have a whole heap of behaviour patterns the arise when we feel in any way rejected. Yet are we truly rejected?

The truth is, we feel rejected when we reject the reality of a situation. Someone says they don’t want to meet us and we feel rejected. The reason we feel rejected has nothing to do with them really, albeit we’ll kid ourselves that it does, but mainly because we are rejecting the reality of being told that that person doesn’t want to meet us. We do not like the situation one little bit, so rather than just accepting it and going, ‘ok so they don’t want to meet’, we go into full on wounded mode and get upset and close our heart and maybe sulk and become grumpy and defensive, which just feeds more of that energy and indeed patterning.

As for security. Ha. When are we truly secure? It’s an illusion to believe that money gives us security as it can be taken from us in any moment. We might feel we have a lovely secure job and then a recession comes along and our job is no more. Anything external to us cannot really provide true security because even when we have money we can date so much energy stressing about it being taken from us, the stock markets crashing or being taken advantage of. We can still suffer with mental stress with or without money so there has to be more to it.

True security then, must come from within. It’s about owning who we are, at heart, standing on our own two feet, centred in ourself (not centred in someone else) and treading OUR path with trust and faith and being ok with uncertainty, because ultimately it is ALL uncertain, and yet we are always trying to make it certain. inherent within this is overcoming our fear around safety. This fear causes us to do all sorts of silly things like try to micro manage and control ourselves and other people to the detriment of family members and those who we might manage in the work place. This can get critical at times and end up in addictions, eating disorders, OCD, high level anxiety and general loss of mental wellbeing.

One of our inherent fears is around uncertanity

It’s difficult to change this though, until we deep dive into the feelings that our fear creates when triggered. Thus when triggered, rather than turning away from it and following one of our many well trodden paths to avoid feeling, or to distract ourselves from the situation or create some drama around it, we need to own it, step into it and be with it, however uncomfortable it feels, and start to notice, be super, super conscious and aware of what lies under it, why that might be and how we can change it because it is all an illusion anyway, the way that our mind thinks and perceives the world, not a truth then, despite the fact the mind will try to convince us otherwise.

Ultimately all of this is a lesson in trust and faith. Trusting in the earth to provide all that we need and having faith in our path and in our heart and truly leaning into all of this. Also inherent within this is accepting our reality as it is. I have noticed a tendency in me and of course in others, to imagine how life might be lived differently. Or to get carried away with the notion of dreams. But dreams can only ever be based on what the mind knows and therefore on the past and the reality is, that the universe often delivers to us more than we could ever have dreamt possible, beyond the control of the mind! And it’s all very well to imagine, but this prevents us from accepting our reality in the here and now.

Thus, the spiritual texts are totally correct in saying that there is only this moment. And to constantly take us out of it, by clinging onto the past and re-living it over and over again because of the limitation of our mind to know anything different, even if we believe that we are dreaming of a new future, is pointless really. This in much the same way as constantly imagining a different future when everything might just fit and we have truly learned to love and accept ourselves. If we can’t do it NOW, what makes us think it will be any different then?

At some point we have to truly accept our really as it is and if it isn’t how we want it to be then we have the choice in each moment to make it different, not by changing the external necessarily, but by changing the internal and letting go of the thoughts and behaviour patterns that are causing us to be frustrated by, or react to our reality in this moment. It sounds easy but isn’t always so easy in practice, but this is where the practice is helpful, because we practice our way there, and one day it just clicks and we land in the now.

Mainly though, we have to stop chasing our tail and looking outside of ourselves, pushing, being busy, trying to control and make things certain and secure, filling every single moment with something for fear of…

What could be more amazing than just being. Our wonderful self. In this moment. With all its wonderful uncertainty.

And this is what it’s all about. Really. About being and loving. This was made very clear to me the other day, a dusk walk in nature and seeing and feeling into the energy. Nature is love and being. It is not trying to be anything but what it is, it is not trying to achieve anything, gain anything, control anything, it is just its wonderful self, loving.

But of course for us humans fear gets in our way and this is the reason it is always so helpful if treading a path of heart to get to the root of the fears that prevent us from truly opening to love…unconditional live at that. It reminds me once again of Marianne Williamson’s poem, which I share with you below.

All I can say is how grateful I am to the universe for shaking things up for us and taking us to darker places because it is only by going to the dark that we find the light and sometimes the universe has to intervene to re-align us and help us to chip away at the defences that prevent us opening to greater love and the insecurity that prevents us from the simplicity of being. Our body knows the score and will get our attention when we are off course and need to go deeper to clear away those out dated modes of being and relating because it gets sick of holding the pressure and tension of repressed emotions, unhelpful behaviour patterns and an unresolved relationship with self and reality.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

xxx

Up against it, lessons to learn, the mystery of the feminine

Well that was definitely a very potent solar eclipse we had on 25 October, followed six days later by Samhain, representing the cycle of death and regeneration, of the dying of the old and the birth of the new, where the veil between worlds is thin and there are doors opening and closing simultaneously. The eclipse merely added to this energy.

In between all this, and perhaps with perfect timing, I launched my latest book, From Darkness Comes Light, which was a death of sorts as it turned out triggering old patterns around vulnerability, which caused a momentary drop into the darkness, ironic perhaps, given the content of the book, and yet a gift from the book. As this allowed me to dig deeper still, to see what still needed healing, of the old wounds and patterns of behaviour that are now unhelpful that pop up when I am feeling vulnerable.

Of course the eclipse bubbled in its additional triggers and the lessons have been pretty nonstop ever since. I know many of you have been experiencing this too, being challenged in many ways, to allow you to see more of your older patterns, which require healing - lessons finally learned perhaps, so that these patterns are not repeated again and can drop away now.

For me the doors were definitely closing too and uncomfortable as this process can sometimes be, I am also aware of its necessity. The publication of the book was most definitely an ending to a chapter in my life and brought with it a closing door. An incident happened soon after that further played into this, which asked me to dig deeper and to see the theme, still around vulnerability and being on the receiving end of attack and unfounded criticism. I’m grateful to the individual who brought this in, for it helped enormously to see what was no longer aligned in my life and let that door close without pushing against it.

I realise that I am now done with mental health as a healing focus, and especially being a facilitator for those who wish to perpetuate their victimhood, who are not prepared to take responsibility and blame others for their life situation. I am grateful to Guernsey Mind for all the wonderful clients they have sent to me for Reiki and indeed yoni yoga over the years, and for providing much needed work during the pandemic, but it is time now time to allow that door to close, and to step into the new, whatever that may bring, but away from mental health as a focus of my healing work.

There were other doors closing and lessons to learn. Ironic really, and yet, not, that one of my last proper blog posts was on the mother wound and the effect of patriarchy on our feminine energy and how we really need to reclaim this, if we hope to move away from the control and power dominated society that we currently live in. And yet there I was, still doing and pushing in a masculine way, allowing my mind to lead the show, because it can be very strong at times, caught up in the patriarchal energy of outcome, productivity and achievement so deeply ingrained in my psyche that while I may be aware, conscious of it, I still allow it to control me - another irony.

Of course there are times when it doesn’t. When I hear the voice of my heart and my soul. But when life is busy then it is easy to kid myself that I am hearing my heart, when really I am only hearing my mind and all it demands of me with its focus towards outcome, achievement and productivity, and usually follows a pattern already lived, because this is the nature of the mind, it requires safety and therefore follows a path that is already tried and tested. The heart, on the other hand, asks only that we be true, and this often means that life is lived on an edge, of not knowing and no certainty, but of deep trust and faith instead.

The universe tried to get me to see this, but of course the mind was too stuck in its ways. And as much as I tried to listen to my heart, because it was aching and demanding my attention, I couldn't get clarity, because I was too caught up in the noise of the mind. What I did know though, was that my body, my heart, were both screaming out for rest, to stop, for a change in direction, but my mind was determined to just keep on going - and this, despite my awareness!

When space did present itself in my life, I was grateful, my heart especially, but my mind quickly filled it with the demands of jobs that it believed needed doing, of something that needed producing, of something more to achieve, another box to tick. I could see this clearly, I was conscious of it, but I couldn’t stop it, the pathway so ingrained that it was difficult to change it. It became clearer that we have these Samskaras, habits then, grooves, that might begin healthily, as a way to protect us, keep us safe, but that become unhealthy when we keep repeating them, knowing that they are now outdated and causing us suffeirng.

I was aware, for example, that daily sea swimming was making me very cold, and I was taking half the day to warm up, which was challenging my adrenal glands and stress levels, but my mind was so used to fitting this into the day, it was a habit I formed about 13 years ago now to help ease feelings of depression, and I clung onto it, because of that, because it was what I always do, because a part of my identity is tied up in it, and also, in fairness, because I enjoy getting to the beach daily, looking for beach treasure and enjoying the calmness of that environment. But, whether I needed to keep swimming, during the colder months, is another matter entirely.

There are so many things we do, pathways we set, whether it’s yoga or working to at the gym, running or following a particular diet, that begin healthily and that enhance our wellbeing, but that over time create our suffering because a part of us has changed and we need to change the way we practice yoga or work out, or exercise or eat to accommodate the change within us. There’s this wonderful saying that if we always do what we have always done, we will always get what we have always got - the wisdom comes in knowing when to make the change, when to honour the heart and soul and body and let go of the bind of the mind.

I also began to notice how we define ourselves by what we do, how we can limit ourselves because of this, and - as I have mentioned in previous blog posts - how we can care too much at times about what other people think. of us to the extent that we don’t follower heart, but live accordingly to other people’s expectations of and dreams for us. Also because we wonder who we might be if we let go of such and such an identity, or do things differently and what that might mean for our lives generally. In short, we get used to living a certain way to the extent that we don’t think it can be lived differently until a change is forced upon us either through illness or through life events.

Furthermore, we become so used to always doing, for example, that we don’t realise how much we are doing, because it becomes our norm. My norm has always been to do and to achieve, to study, to obtain certificates, to fill any available space for fear of not doing and being perceived as being unproductive or lazy, and/or a failure. When I dug deeper, I realised not least the depth of my conditioning, but the fears that drove my behaviour, not around worth per se, but around fear of safety, a fear that has been drilled into all of us since the moment we are born, because of our fear around our security

It is the fear which motivates so much of our behaviour, makes us into good citizens, whatever that might mean - it is the ultimate control, the hold that patriarchy still has on us. Furthermore, I am the result of the society I grew up in, of what it might mean to be an equal and empowered women, a worker, a busy bee, to always be doing to to create an outcome, to produce an end result, to have something to prove my worth and validate my usefulness in society.

Even with this awareness it has been challenging to change these patterns, to stop, pause, take time out, cease the incessant drive towards doing and productivity. I could see my patterning very clearly around exhaustion and I knew that I was treading a thin line. All around me this was being highlighted, through friends and students and clients, who have embodied what happens when we do too much and push beyond what we can hold, and the resulting immune-compromised illnesses, dis-orders and conditions which arise and which are challenging to heal.

When we keep pushing and doing, when we hold on to unresolved aspects of self, when we stress our bodily systems, and we find ourselves living in a way that is out of nature to us individually, it is understandable that something has to give - the inner tension of trying to hold so much, of this being our norm and yet always stretching us, causes disharmony within the mind and body and causes dis-ease. It doesn’t help that our society itself asks us to live a way that doesn’t always feel natural, that asks more of us than we can give, that leaves us depressed, stressed, anxious exhausted and at times, empty.

I began to notice how many people keep telling me that they don’t know how I managed to do all that I do. Yet to me it doesn’t seem a big deal. I do it, all of it, because I have always done it all. Yet when I think back, I can see how crazy it looks. Each time I have had a baby I have thrown myself into further study; an advanced yoga therapy course with Elijah, a Yoga Nidra course with Eben. This is because studying is a safe space for me and when life throws me new challenges and uncertainty then I study!

With Eben I did raise the stakes though, not only studying but I chose his arrival into the world to finally get on with publishing not one but two books within the space of about six months. What was I thinking? Was I mad? Probably. Yes, the books were written from the heart but the mind controlled the timing and the pressure to get them done then. Is it any wonder that it was about that time that I started suffering a skin condition which reflects not only the internal pressure of always doing, but indicates a lack of love for self because of all the doing.

How can we possibly truly love ourselves when we do so much. It is like we are the work horse and the person who whips the work horse simultaneously, our minds pushing our bodies.. Is it any wonder that we get to periods of our life where we crash. It’s not sustainable. Something has to give. And we can only hope that at some point we might wake up to the fact that we are really giving ourselves a very hard time. The trouble is, this too is normalised. Most people give themselves a hard time. Most people make choices which aren’t always kind to them selves, but they do it because it is expected of them, because we are a society which doesn’t place a lot of value on self-love and self-appreciation, and doing nothing and resting.

I heard my friends and students and clients making their own excuses, just as I heard my own excuses in my mind. But I was starting to hear another voice too, one that I had consistently ignored because this is who I am and this is what I do. Or am I? And do I? This voice, talked of simplicity and quietness, of just being, of the basics, of good food to eat, not rushed, of playing with children, not rushed, of watching the birds in the garden, not rushed, of lying in bed and chilling out, not rushed, of a day spent pottering, without plans, not rushed. My soul has been craving, longing for me to notice the imbalances in my life. My heart literally hurt with the pain of living a life out of balance.

But I could see no way out, because of the depth of my habitual patterning. This to the extent that when a gap finally presented itself in my life rather than resting into it, I did what I do best and signed up for an online course to study to be a spiritual life coach. I laugh about this now because as I watched the videos and completed the course content I realised that I’m already working in that capacity and have been doing so for some time, but clearly on some level, I felt I needed a certificate to validate this to myself let alone the world.

What was also funny was the fact that I have been questioning our current obsession with courses and trainings, let alone women’s circles and cacao ceremonies, which can all play a significant role in helping us, but can become yet another unhealthy habit, when we lunge from one to the next, a distraction almost, not least from going deeper within, but from truly owning our experience and inner knowledge and wisdom.

It’s crazy when you think about it, that we place more value on someone else’s experience and their ‘way’, than we do on our own. Sure, sometimes it can be helpful to be shown a way. I enjoyed reading Wim Hoff’s book, for example, where he shares his way, but that’s his way not mine and to replicate it means I’m not necessarily being truthful to myself.

Furthermore, we have a habit of aways thinking that others know more on a subject than we know ourselves. We have a fear sometimes of charging money for our knowledge and life experience, and feel more comfortable doing so only when we have a certificate to validate it. It’s a really interesting exploration by the way, the one of training and certification. I always think of a tiger being trained in a circus. At some point in its training that tiger has to lose its tiger ness because it is being trained to be something it is not…this leads to the question - does all our training just train us to be something we’re not too? It’s like the cosmic joke - all this external searching for what is only ever found on the inside.

Even with this knowledge, the pattern was well established and I still did the online course. Was it helpful? Well it helped me realise all this so in many respects it worked its magic, and was all part of the process. Would I do it again? No. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m done with courses, with online evening learning, of the need for certification.

However there was one further incident that was to make this even clearer to me because I was due to attend a Tantra course in the UK last weekend. I love Tantra and I really enjoyed the online Tantra mystery sessions that I joined online earlier this year. There was no certificate, nothing to achieve, just the experience of going deeper within and embracing Tantric practices to help liberate the mind, heal any body issues and help expand consciousness. It was exactly what I needed at the time. I am not a fan of groups but with it being online, it made it easier somehow, and I could switch off from the group energy whenever I needed, mute myself, turn off the screen.

Finishing the sessions I felt I might like to learn more, despite the fact I have already been incorporating Tantra into my life for some time and more so since Beltane. But the trouble is the Tantra School offers a seven-course step to achieve a higher Tantra outcome. I knew I couldn’t really afford it, not least the time away, because each course demands three nights plus any extras to allow for travelling, but financially too, I also don’t enjoy group sessions, especially not residential, but alas my mind was attached to the outcome of what I might learn, and it made excuses, convinced me that it was the right choice to make.

And maybe it is, but there is a timing to everything and clearly this is not the right time. But I didn’t know that then and I signed up, and hoped for the best, ignored the niggles of doubt around room sharing, experience, cost and time away, and tried to keep focused on the imagined Tantric outcome. Ha! As the course approached I realised I was running on empty but what could I do, I was signed up now, and it was taking place in Cornwall and Cornwall has lots of stone circles and menhirs and that was a rather exciting prospect, even though all I really wanted to do was switch off from the world, stop and rest.

And well the universe agreed, and what followed was hilarious really, because I was incapable of making that decision for myself and giving myself what I needed - a break no less. Sadly the break came in ways I hadn’t expected but this was the way to get my attention at least.

A week before I was due to attend the course, my car wouldn’t start. I was at a friend’s house at the time, it wasn’t ideal. E and the children had to come and collect me and while we managed to get the car to the garage it transpired that a piece of seaweed has wrapped itself around some part of the engine and the battery was virtually flat - nature really had intervened! What was also funny, was that my laptop battery was regularly flat too. My car and laptop were both reflecting my own flat battery!

Still, I kept going and the next morning, on my cargo bike now, a Saturday, I did what I usually do, attempted to cycle down to Saints for a morning swim, all the while feeling shattered and craving a morning in bed and lo and behold I had my first bike accident. It literally came from nowhere. One moment cycling down the hill with Eben on the back, the same hill I have cycled down at least 800 times without any issue, but today the bike just went from under me and the next thing I knew I was literally heart and hand planting the hard road.

I went into immediate shock as I attempted to free myself from the bike, which was laying over the left side of my body - the feminine side of the body funnily enough and has caused quite some bruising to my left hip and left ankle! I had badly grazed the heel of my right hand, the skin was hanging off, blood running out, and I suspect a cracked rib where the left side of my ribcage, literally housing my heart, hit the ground at some speed. Eben was fine fortunately, a very brave little boy only a scratch on his hand.

As I attempted to pick the bike back up, trying to put on a brave face for Eben’s sake while feeling physical pain, I still looked down the hill at the sea below and wondered if I should carry on as planned and get in it! It really highlighted to me the depth of my habit around sea swimming and while a part of me wondered if it might ease my shock and the bruising to my body, the other part was only suggesting it out of sheer habit and because I wasn’t able to complete my morning mission of getting in the sea!

And while I didn’t make it down to the sea, I did still carry on. Somehow I managed to get us home and into a bath, trying to ease the shock before collecting Elijah from his appointment. And then we did what we were always going to do. E was away so the boys and I went for a walk as planned, out to the fairy ring, me hobbling and trying to pretend that everything was normal. We went into town to see Father Christmas arrive. I even held a Reiki Level Two the next day. It was probably only after that finished that the reality hit me.

Not only was I physically hurt but my heart was screaming out to me. It had hit the ground, been cracked open and I needed to listen to what it was trying to tell me. Of slowing things down, of making changes, of loving more of myself and knowing that I am worth it. It talked of areas of unforgiveness, not least to others but to myself for my perceived shortcomings in various areas of my life.

I realised the extent to which I gave myself a hard time when I really didn’t need to, how we are so often just up against our inner critic, that voice that I’m not so used to hearing these days, but is still there in even more subtle ways, that holds me up to my perfectionist tendencies. I almost laughed out loud at the ludicrous nature of it. My poor heart, no wonder it had been aching, I had been holding all this stuff inside that I didn’t know was there in the first place- another sign that things are ready for change, that my heart wants greater freedom, hoorah for that!

Cracked ribs are painful, so too hands that have lost skin. But even then it didn’t cross my mind to cancel the Tantra course, although upon reflection this would have been the sensible thing to do. I could barely wash my hair let alone lie down, how I expected to give myself oil massages and dance and shake on the Tantra course is now quite beyond me. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and at the time I just couldn’t see. Instead, on I went, packed my bags, got myself organised, still struggling to sleep, to move, to be at ease.

I pulled a Rune the morning of my flight. It was movement reversed which basically said that movement at this time is not possible but not to worry, whatever is due to us doesn’t pass us by. I was confused. Of course I was going to be moving. I had a flight to Exeter to catch and a drive down to Cornwall. I was definitely going to be moving.

But alas not. The universe had been trying to get my attention, to get me to stop. There had been the car and then the bike and now the plane. Much to my surprise, after two hours of sitting at the airport my flight was cancelled due to fog in Exeter! I honestly couldn’t believe it. I was shocked all over again! And you know what I did? I re-booked to make an attempt the next day, even though I would have missed quite a bit of the course and arrived late, disturbing the group energy. I was struggling to see what was becoming so clear to those nearest to me.

But alas, I finally saw what was happening. A friend helped me because I was so far in it that I couldn’t see it and he had to be direct too, for me to truly see it, and the blood wisdom that followed helped, making it very clear that I needed to stop. With that I suddenly realised the extent of my patriarchal conditioning and the fact that I am my own worst enemy, my obstacle into embracing more of my feminine. That I don’t necessarily need to go on a Tantra course to access more of my feminine, that there are other ways and these ways are presenting themselves to me if only I can get out of the way and just live it.

And really this is the lesson I have been learning - an expensive one at that! That it is one thing to have awareness and knowledge, and quite another to embody it. But often one does have to come before the other. First we need to see it. Then we need to understand it. And then we need to live it, create new patterns, new habits so that the old unhealthy ones drop away. It doesn’t happen over night and does demand a degree of awareness but it is possible.

Furthermore, when we know that doors are closing to us then we need to learn to settle into the uncomfortable void, a space that arises between the door that closes and the one that will open next, a space of transformation, between death and rebirth. But it is here, in the mystery of the energy, that amazing things can happen, if only we can rest into it. This to will take its time and we are encouraged to exercise patience, compassion and gentleness and kindness to self.

So that’s where I am at. Resting into it. Stepping back. Getting off line a little more. Getting to bed a little earlier. Creating little more space. Listening a little more to my heart. Enjoying the void and the uncertainty and trying to get out of my own way. I’m grateful to the powers that be, for the answered prayers that are being ushered in. There is always the potential for a strengthening of faith, when it feels as if we are up against it, and I have dug deeper into this and into trust, because the universe, the Goddess, well they intervene when needed, always our prayers are answered, always we get what we need, just not in the way that we expect it!

Enjoy the full moon!

Love Emma x

Happy New Moon!

Happy new moon! I’m told this one is going to calm things down, which is a relief as the eclipses were certainly life changing for so many, in changing perspectives and doors closing/opening. They’re full on though those eclipses, they’ll make the changes for us that we haven’t yet even seen needed to be made. It’s a relief to find some calmer times ahead.

The world is changing. And we just have to ride with this. I have watched some really inspiring interviews recently, with Diana Beresford-Kroeger about climate change and the obvious answer of planting trees. Often the answer to our problems isn much more simple than we or scientists or supposed experts realise. Its the same in our own lives. It’s just about going in and listening and then taking appropriate action.

Here’s the link for the interview with Diana - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8azgsk3jl4

There are a few changes in my own life currently in process. One is that I am progressively moving away from working within mental health, the publication of From Darkness Comes Light, has brought with it an end to that chapter in my life (please leave a review on Amazon if you have read the book). The other is the progressive move away from new age spiritualism, and I am so very delighted that yoga is finally out of fashion, so we can reclaim its roots and philosophical and spiritual underpinning. I am also stepping back a little bit, for now, iin writing. So I shall keep this brief, and leave you with a wonderful quote I stumbled across from the thought provoking and oh so wise Alan Watts

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

Enjoy this moon cycle and all you intend for it. Maybe plant a tree!

Love Emma x

The Mother Wound

The ‘mother wound’ has been coming up during the eclipse season. This in the context of our relationship with the ‘mother’ and with Mother Earth especially. We used to revere Mother Earth, for all she gives to us - life, essentially. We used to honour the mother too, for exactly the same reason and statues of the Mother Goddess as a representation of the ‘mother energy’ have been found from ancient times. Then monotheistic and patriarchal forms of worships marched on in, creating a wounding in the human psyche, which still impacts, subtly and at times not so subtly, on our collective relationship with Mother Earth and mothers generally.

The wounding lives on, and as much as we try to kid ourselves that things have changed, they haven’t really. Sure we have greater freedom as women, we can grow herbs, we can help birth babies (although we’re not always supported to birth those babies at home here on Guernsey), we can work, we can vote, we can connect with our intuition and with our innate womb wisdom, but we’re still living in a patriarchal world where male dominance (power, authority, influence and leadership) rules - a woke world of influential billionaires such as Bill Gates, Charles Schwab, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos who have not been elected by the people.  

It wasn’t always this way. There was a time before monotheistic and patriarchal forms of worships where the goddess was revered. Where the land was respected. Where the cycle of the sun and the moon and the stars were noticed. Where we lived in touch with the changing seasons, respectful of nature, and where we celebrated the mother for all her life-creating and giving capacity. We saw things differently. It wasn’t all about power and control. It was about living in harmony and optimising all that has been gifted to us to help us survive - water to drink, sun to grow crops, materials to provide shelter etc.

In Guernsey we’re lucky to still have two Goddess statues from this time, perhaps the oldest in the world; certainly it’s unusual to have two of these statues in one place, which could indicate that we were a special and magical land back then. I visit these statues regularly, but it was just before my trip to Orkney when I went to seek safe passage from the statue-menhir which sits at what is now Castel church that the significance of her missing right breast struck me.

So it goes, she was found in the ground in 1878, within the chancel at about an equal distance from the north and south walls and about a foot below the surface. She was lying east-west and when she was turned over, the damage was found (or so the Society of Antiquaries reports). What’s interesting is that she was laid with her feet facing east, the same alignment as many passage graves so it is unlikely whoever buried her also defaced her because she was buried with thought - and love perhaps.  

It is believed she was buried in the sixth century when the church was first built and patriarchy started shifting things; churches were often built on sacred sites of Pagan worship, like here at Castel, central to the island and with a clear view to other Neolithic structures on L’Ancresse common. The churches were constructed in such places intentionally, to encourage the islanders into the new religion. I can’t help thinking that the statue-menhir was likely destroyed by the new power coming in, threatened as they were by the power of women to create and nourish new life.

Later that same day, I went to visit La Gràn'Mère du Chim'tière at St Martin’s church and while I visit this statue more regularly, because I personally worship her, it was only now that I saw how interesting the manner in which she carries a wounding too. So the story goes in 1860, a zealous churchwarden called Tourel was growing increasingly furious at the reverence being paid to her by parishioners and ordered La Gran’Mère to be destroyed.  This desecration was successfully achieved and she was broken in half. However, such was the outcry among local inhabitants, that she was mended with cement and relocated to her current position, just outside the gate to the church.

Regardless of the mending, the break is still visible, and while it may be purely coincidental (if you believe in such things), it does appear that the break goes straight through her womb. The woman with her creative energy and her magical ways of healing and feeling and being – with the innate wisdom and power of her womb - was a very real threat to the new order coming in. And even now, the same. As women we may have greater equality, but our relationship to our femininity and our female bits, to the womb, ovaries and breasts, is still deeply wounded.

The womb is a sacred and powerful place in a female body. It’s a creative centre where new life may grow and also a place that, for many women, sheds its lining monthly, sometimes creating pain, especially if a woman suffers conditions like endometriosis or fibroids. Amazingly, it can grow from the size of a pear to a watermelon in pregnancy, and then it can return right back to its original size, so it has this incredible capacity for transformation and change. As a place that can be subject to termination, miscarriage, child loss and/or child birth, it is also a space of both death and life.

Located in the sacral chakra, the second energy centre related to creativity, passion, pleasure and our relationship with our self, issues occur when personal and emotional insecurity prevents a woman from fully expressing her creativity. In these cases, she believes that she lacks the inner strength and ability to do so and will dig into her outer strength, and therefore her masculine energy, “to do”, further denying the feminine aspects of self, including her inherent ability to create, on all levels.

Furthermore, it can also be a place where trauma is stored, whether that be sexual, birth-related, from child-hood and/or from various difficult life experiences. There is an intimate connection between the womb and the heart, and any unprocessed life experiences and/or emotions can be stored and held in the womb, far away from the heart. The womb is a very accessible storage place, and our psyche will store those experiences, which are too much to digest in that moment to maintain (or attempt to maintain) the integrity of the heart.

This connection between the heart and the womb is very real, as well as mystical and mysterious - we potentially create new life in the womb that is truly magical. From a Taoist perspective, the womb is the Heavenly Palace, a woman’s main sexual centre and powerful energy source. The heart is referred to as the Emperor in many ancient texts, because of its key role in controlling all the other organs. Physically, the heart and womb share a mutual relationship to blood as the heart governs the blood and the womb relies on blood for its function.

Furthermore, the opening and closing of the womb for menstruation, conception and birth are regulated by the heart. Thus a woman’s heart and psyche needs to be nourished and strong to optimise the functioning of the womb. Any emotional stress, unresolved trauma or life experiences and/or a restless mind can affect the reproductive health through the womb-heart relationship – a good reason to practice Yoni Yoga as it tries to deepen the connection between womb and heart.

Many women don’t think about their womb until something happens or indeed doesn’t happen there - the arrival of the monthly bleed can be the source of much angst for many because of the potential physical pain but also because it indicates that conception has not taken place, and this can be difficult emotionally for those women trying to conceive. Women can also start to doubt the power of their bodies, and their ability to create new life, leading to feelings of disempowerment, depression, anxiety and discontentment, and a loss of faith.  

Not only that, but menstruation is still stigmatised and shamed by many, blood wisdom denied, and little attention given beyond the management of bleeding. If women realised the wisdom they can gain by going within during this stage of their cycle, then they might come to know more of their own truth and have a better understanding of the reason that conception has not taken place as it often highlights the need for healing our trauma and wounding, and as an opportunity to deepen into faith (you can read more on this in my book Dancing with the Moon, available on Amazon).

More often than not, there is a divine timing to conception, and a need to make changes to allow more space in a woman’s life, taking time to rest, heal and energise, nurture and nourish, while embracing her femininity and doing whatever is needed to ensure that her womb is ready to receive new life; not too hot, burning with the fury of being denied its expression, or sad with the rejection of aspects of self, or through abuse and the emotional holding that can result from this and our various life experiences.

A woman may also need to consider her attitude towards mothering, perhaps she has a wounding from her relationship with her own mother, which needs healing - sometimes if  a woman have had a negative experience of being mothered, she can be concerned about her own ability to mother, worried that she’ll turn out like her own mother, and this can create a mental/emotional/physical block around conception. Also, a woman can be challenged by the thought of the potential changes that her body may experience through pregnancy, such as weight gain.

Furthermore, with the womb as the seed of our femininity including our sensuality, our sexuality and our feelings about ourselves as women - or however we experience our femininity - part of us has been conditioned to reject this. We have patriarchy to blame, as being feminine is not a quality that is viewed as powerful in our culture of power and control and male dominance, and some will turn away from their femininity and dig into their masculine energy in order to be seen and heard better, and to make it in a man’s world.

Conditioning aside, some of us may reject our femininity simply because of previous sexual trauma, and feeling as if our femininity has betrayed us, making us more vulnerable to violence and/or emotional/mental abuse. It doesn’t help that the various transitions from menarche through to birth and motherhood and onwards through to menopause are often viewed as banes, rather than as spiritually transformative and expansive moments in a woman’s life, when she can access deeper levels of wisdom and knowledge, if aware.

The National Cancer Registration and Analysis Service reports that uterine (womb) cancer incidence is increasing with the increasing prevalence of obesity understood to be being the main driver in this trend. However I can’t help wondering if this is the result of our ongoing wounding and our rejection, as a culture, of our innate femininity, wisdom and intuitive and creative capacity; whether our continued inability to be comfortable within ourselves - of not being at home within ourselves and our creative potential - causes our loss of womb health.

The ovaries, on the other hand, represent our point of creativity, allowing our unique creativity to flow through us based on our own individual potential in this world. They are the sex glands, which secrete female sex hormones and form eggs to be fertilised, while also  representing motherhood, the desire to procreate, sexuality creativity, femininity, being female and feeling satisfied as a woman.

When a woman experiences symptoms in her ovaries it may be because she is living or has lived in a situation where she has lost her basic family ties, or is experiencing a general feeling of loss in her life. According to the Dr. Christiane Northrup (author of a marvellous book, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, which every women should have), ovarian cysts and ovarian cancer are related to our creative power in the world. As the seat of power, creativity and creation, when we are addicted to the approval or authority of others, we create an energetic block and dysfunction around the ovaries.

Furthermore, life is busy for many women, they are often holding down full-time jobs, doing the housework, managing the shopping and cooking, while simultaneously sorting the childcare and children’s commitments. Many would really like to start a creative project but simply don’t have the time and energy and this can lead to frustration. Thus, conditions such as ovarian cysts, for example, are often delivering the message of unfulfilled creative expression.

Of course, this also impacts on fertility. As mentioned, many women are trying to make it in a man’s world, digging into their masculine energy, characterised by doing and achieving and is moulded by logic and reason. The feminine energy, by contrast, is more intuitive and empathic, focused on receiving and allowing and being. When these energies are balanced then we experience a greater sense of harmony and fulfilment.

But more often than not, women are stuck in their masculine energy and they don’t even realise it - they feel empowered, without appreciating that they’re still caught in the patriarchal conditioning. Add in concerns mentioned earlier, about being a good mother, or what it might mean for her career, which she has tended to as if it were indeed a baby and what will become of her identity, well it’s hardly surprising that so many women experience fertility issues.

Thus, trying to conceive, as the ultimate creative expression, becomes trickier, for all these reasons. One thing that my journey to conception taught me, was the need to drop into my feminine energy and make changes, step back, slow down and rest into it. Even now, I am very aware when the balance has tipped, which is frequently may I add, because overcoming our patriarchal patterning around achievement and doing is difficult, our society is geared towards it, we’re obsessed about tangible results and becoming definable to others.

This is the problem though. We have become so conditioned to this way of being that we can’t imagine it being different. To make it as women, we have to be all things and this gets exhausting. We’re an exhausted sex. I’m not sure that men are faring any better either - their feminine energy has been denied too, so this is definitely not an ‘us versus them’ situation. Patriarchy came in and it denied all of us the softer parts of our being, it separated men from their children, and indeed from their emotions, and it sent them to work, and only now are things slowly changing, but leading to some confusion about their role these days (or so I’m told).

In short, ovarian issues are often the result of a woman’s notion that people and circumstances outside her alone prevent her from being creative – there is no time. Therefore, women should do all they can to make space and time to express their creative nature throughout their lives. Obviously what we feel to create will change as we grow, transform and evolve. But as long as we allow that creative urge deep within us, and express it, our ovaries should stay healthy.

It is worth noting that if the ovaries need our attention, they try and get it very quickly. A large ovarian cyst can develop in a matter of days when we feel controlled or criticised by others or when we control and criticise others. Furthermore, energy blocks that create ovarian cysts can also result from too much stress - this isn’t necessarily bad stress, in so much as a woman may absolutely love her job and her family, but she can be consumed by it and neglect her creativity in the process.

It is sometimes suggested that ovarian cancer is linked to the extreme need for male authority or recognition, while the woman puts her own emotional needs in the last place. A woman may feel that she doesn’t have the strength, or the financial security, to move or change her situation even when she is abused and manipulated. Thus, unlike cervical cancer, which can be incubated for years, ovarian cancer usually develops very quickly due to sudden trauma, such as when a partner announces that he is leaving, gets sick and/or dies.

Nurturing the pain our partner has given us, returning to the memory and narrative of what has happened, re-running the same experience can hurt us, as much as fostering false hope, and over time this approach to our life can lead to gynaecological diseases such as changes in the cervix as well as tumours on both the ovaries and uterus. In a situation where a woman loves a partner and is suddenly abandoned, cheated, mentally and/or physically abused, the disease manifests itself after many years because they have not ‘gotten over it’, resulting in a milder or more severe gynaecological form.

In terms of the breasts, Cancer Research UK advises that incidence rates for breast cancer are projected to rise by 2% in the UK between 2014 and 2035, to 210 cases per 100,000 females by 2035. Metaphysically, the breasts represent the ability to give and receive - in ancient times, they symbolised the abundance of nature and its ability to sustain life. Located in the heart chakra, more often than not, breast lumps and breast cancer arise due to injury, sadness and unfinished emotional problems associated with feeling, grief and giving.

Apparently, the risk of cancer is significantly higher if a woman grieved (or didn’t properly grieve) for a person who died, lost her job, and/or experienced a divorce in the previous five years. According to Louise Hay, an expert on all things metaphysical, one of the reasons women get breast cancer is because they can’t say “no” and they respect every concept except themselves. Furthermore, the guilt women may have because they can’t forgive themselves or others blocks the energy in their breasts.  

It is also said that women with breast cancer are often prone to self-sacrifice, incapable of receiving the support of others, unable to vent anger or hatred, tending to hide these feelings behind the facade of kindness, and often have unresolved hostile conflict with their mothers, as well as an inability to establish good communication with female children. Very often, a woman who has been abandoned by her mother in early childhood, for whatever reason, has a predisposition to experience any of these conditions, unless she finds the strength to forgive her mother for leaving her in early childhood.

Essentially, it is not the emotion that causes the problem, but rather the inability to express ourselves completely, releasing the emotions and responding to a situation in a healthy and adaptable way. Thus, it is not an extremely stressful life event that causes breast cancer, but more so the nature of our response to that event. Loss is inevitable in our lives, it is part of the life process for all of us, but it is necessary and indeed helpful to do all we can to try to let go of regret, accepting the situation and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.

Cancer aside, as a society we have such a strange relationship with the breasts, such is our concern about what they look like which can lead to surgery and the need for specific underwear, which promotes a certain size/shape. In some parts of the world women can sunbathe topless quite happily, in others, even here on Guernsey, breast feeding a baby in public without an array of scarves and baggy tops can create a frown and an awkwardness for a breastfeeding mother. Even worse, in many respects, the pressure to breastfeed in a designated area, penned away, like a cow.

But herein lies a deeper issue, and the greatest wounding for us women perhaps, is the sexualisation of our bodies and the notion that they have to look a certain way to be adored and indeed accepted in our society. I watched a presentation a few years ago with Kathy Jones, a high priestess at the Goddess Temple in Glastonbury, on goddess statues and imagery and how this has changed over time. In the ancient world, before the widespread adoption of monotheistic and patriarchal forms of religious worship, goddesses – like the statue-menhirs in Guernsey - served vital roles in their own respective pantheons.

In the earlier days these statues often depicted women with wide hips, large buttocks and/or thighs, full belly (presumably pregnant in many cases), the pubic-V and ripe and voluminous breasts. There was usually no face, because this wasn’t seen as important, in terms of her life giving capabilities, quite in contrast to how things are today.

An online article on gender in prehistoric society, writes, “Consider the Venus of Willendorf figurine from 30,000 BC, found in Austria in the early 1900s. Unlike most artistic depictions of women, it celebrates the female body without sexualization: Here, this is a woman, it seems to say, she is soft and round, her breasts are large, her hips full, her kneecaps prominent. It’s made of limestone, but you’d be forgiven for feeling you could squeeze it—looking soft and touchable, it seems to defy the physical properties of stone.”

The question we might ask is who created these statues in the first place - women or men? Because as time went on and we were encouraged away from ancient worship of Goddess and Mother Earth, statues of women changed; buttocks, thighs, tummy and hips were slimmed and clothed, the pubic V hidden, the breasts shaped, and the face and hair becomes much more important – in short, women’s bodies became sexualised. Would women have sexualised their own bodies?

It’s an interesting point. We will never know, but it is entirely possible that when Goddess culture reigned, when people respected Mother Earth and the mother, the images of women were made by women, at a time when they celebrated their bodies for their life giving capacity. Then everything changed and women’s bodies were viewed through the eyes of men, and for the most part this continues on today.

It’s interesting to me that some of the most influential fashion designers of our time have been homosexuals, who have been tasked with designing clothes for women and setting the trend. I have absolutely no issue with homosexuality, or indeed fashion designers, but it is merely fascinating that men can lead the way with women’s fashion design, without truly knowing what it might feel like to wear those clothes as a woman, nor perhaps appreciating the manner in which the various fashion trends cause a woman to love or reject her body depending on how those clothes feel and her ability to fit into them depending on her individual body shape.

The fashion industry has a lot to answer for in how it has shaped women’s often poor relationship with themselves, but its more than that. As subtle as it is, many women continue to see themselves through men’s eyes. Thus, they don’t dress for themselves but for men. They unconsciously and sometimes consciously, still buy into the notion that to be accepted, to be comfortable in their own skin, to overcome any inherent insecurity, they have to dress a certain way – often sexualising themselves - so that they may receive the attention and/or approval of men and therefore validation of self.

And if they are not dressing a certain way for men, then many will dress a certain way to seek the approval and validation of other women in their life, be that family, friends and/or work colleagues. Here, too, they’re not necessarily dressing for themselves, but for the positive feedback they may receive from others, which may help to ease inherent feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. The problem with this though, is the seeking outside themselves for validation of their worth, which merely buys into the illusion of happiness and inner contentment being found on the outside. This is not true.

The risk is that if that validation/approval is not given then it can merely increase feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, to the extent that many women will spend significant time each day preening and preparing themselves – carefully applying make- up, styling hair and choosing clothes - before feeling comfortable putting ‘their face’ out into the world. Not that there is anything wrong with this per se, it is more so that as women age and their hair and body shape changes beyond their control, they will still be up against their inherent inner lack of love and acceptance of self, and cause ongoing self-esteem issues.

Needless to say the fashion industry profiteers from this, so too the wellbeing and fitness industry in feeding us this notion that we have to look a certain way to be valued in this society - the yoga industry is no better (sadly, it is an industry these days). This emphasis on the external can lead to all sorts of body issues, heightened since social media entered many lives, leading to increased rates of eating disorder and body dysmorphia, as well as an overriding pressure to look a certain way (often there’s a uniformity, you have only to look at a bunch of teenage girls to see this), feeding yet more of the illusion that happiness comes from outside of ourselves.

An Ayurvedic doctor with whom I once trained, commented on the manner in which western society rejects full hips, buttocks and stomachs, favouring the ‘flat’ and ‘straight’ figure instead. She said how in her Eastern culture it was reversed, and men sought women with child bearing figures, full breasts and hips especially. She joked how men in the west have been trained to like the thinner figure, regardless of the impact this has on fertility, women forcing themselves to look a certain way to feel accepted and validated by society, but at a cost to their ability to conceive. Of course I’m generalising, but this is an interesting perspective nonetheless.

Furthermore, a woman’s relationship with her body and her sexuality has undoubtably been affected by monotheistic and patriarchal worships in other ways, because there is still a hangover from the church’s emphasis on the virginity and purity of women as personified by Mary, mother of Jesus, and the rejection of the whore as personified (unfairly one may say!) by Mary Magdalene, a devoted disciple of Jesus and powerful healer. This perspective is still deeply embedded in the psyche of women, negatively affecting their relationship with their sexuality and resulting in feelings of shame.

Thus if a woman embraces her sexuality then she is up against her conditioning around being either virginal and pure versus dirty and whore-like. She then either supresses her sexual urges, never truly experiencing the depth of sexual satisfaction and pleasure that is her birth right and is left frustrated and angry, or she embraces her sexuality and feels shame and guilt for enjoying herself and no doubt is judged easily by others, women especially, who are in some way challenged by a woman feeling secure in her own skin and indeed sexual energy. We can’t win!

There are many aspects to this, worthy of a blog post all of its own, but just to add that sexually, a woman can feel a pressure to ‘perform’, to meet expectations, depending on her exposure to and conditioning around sex, based on media, films and pornography, which might be in contrast to how she truly feels and a potential deeper yearning for heart-felt, spiritual and intimate connection. Throw in feelings of insecurity and she will sell out on herself in her quest to be loved and desired, more often confusing love for lust and desire for a primal need.

Even now, such is the depth of conditioning around a woman’s role in the bedroom that she might not even recognise that she has a right to have her own needs met, to reach orgasm, for example, and has a voice to stipulate those needs. So often I hear of women unfulfilled in their sexual relationship, hoping things will change, but never finding the courage and strength to make the changes, to express their needs and overcome any insecurity they have about their relationship with their body and their sexuality, let alone healing whatever trauma needs to be healed.

And to be honest, if a woman doesn’t much like her body and doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin, if she struggles to touch her own body, to open to the potential pleasure of it, if she shies away from her inherent femininity and her creative and sexual energy, if she has previously suffered sexual or birth trauma and/or has a distrust in men and is doing nothing to address and heal this, then she’s probably not going to be able to relax into the true vulnerability and intimacy of the experience and allow herself to feel the depth of pleasure and potential spiritual connection of any true union.

Sadly, after all these years, we’re still up against patriarchal and monotheistic conditioning, which lays deep within our cells. And as if to prove this, I had an incident during the writing of this blog, which was most definitely divinely timed, a cosmic joke really. In short, I was contacted by St Martin’s Community Centre where I teach the majority of my yoga classes, to be advised that St Martin’s Church, who own the land upon which the community centre sits, have an issue with my Breath, Chant and Relax class scheduled for 23 November.

I was confused so I contacted Reverend Foote directly, who told me that my poster advertising said class –here’s the link if you’d like to have a look, or indeed join me, here - has a picture of Buddha on it, which has created some concern. I couldn’t believe it! Katie had chosen the picture simply because people associate Buddha with peace and the whole idea of the class is to promote peace! I did try and assure the Reverend that I am neither Buddhist, Hindu or indeed a Christian - I’m also not a feminist btw either, I’m just pro-freedom, pro-choice, pro-love, pro-acceptance and pro-respecting nature- but to no avail.

Well, the Reverend and I had a conversation about theology and about community, but I could tell I wasn’t going to get anywhere. No practices that might in anyway be confused for Buddhism are to be held in the centre after this class on the 23rd, and no Reiki either. For me, the whole experience merely highlighted that there is still work to be done. That we haven’t yet truly moved on, that we’re still not allowed our voice (ironically the class is encouraging us to find our voice through 15 minutes of chanting Vedic mantra - please note the Vedas pre-date Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity) and that despite the drive towards greater acceptance of diversity and equality in all its guises, there is still separation and division depending on your faith.

The experience also highlighted a fear in me of doing something wrong, at least in the eyes of the church and getting into trouble. I suspect this fear is deeply imbedded in my cells, stretching through the lineage, all the way back to and beyond the witch trials. Not helped because of my perchance towards wiccan and healing work, and ironically my worshipping of the Goddess, and her located, even more ironically on the site of what is now St Martin’s church…and therein another issue around land ownership especially sacred sites…but I’ll save that blog post for another day…

As it goes, in 1484, Pope Innocent VIII, declared that witchcraft was heresy and a war was declared against the witches and wizards. Thus anyone suspected of being a witch or wizard was persecuted and often tortured into making confessions. Even convicted criminals and young children could give evidence and any lawyer who supported the person accused was often marked as suspect. Anyone convicted was then burnt alive at the bottom of Tower Hill in St Peter Port. In an 80 year period from 1560 to 1640, 44 people were said to have been burnt at the stake and 35 were banished from Guernsey for life.

The effect of this lives on in our psyche. There is still a deep fear of being revealed for our inherent power as women on this planet. I read a brilliant book called Hex by Jenni Fagan on my way up to Orkney in which she writes about one of the most turbulent moments in Scotland’s history, the North Berwick witch trails. The book focuses on the last night of the life of convicted witch, Geillis Duncan,  when she receives a mysterious visitor, Iris, who says she comes from a future where women are still persecuted for who they are and what they believe. This particular paragraph really got my attention:

“Iris says to Geillis, “I wish a particular kind of hell for those who put you here. The thing is, men don’t know why they are here. None of us do. Not really. Tall stories only make tall churches. Not reality…Men want to know how they got trapped on earth. Don’t they? It’s an issue. What does each one of them see when he turns around to work it out? He sees a woman. Every single one of them sees the exact same thing. There is no man on this earth who didn’t get here except by a woman parting her thighs! We are portals. Humans emerge from our bodies into a world without explanation. Some men hold a brutal kind of grudge for that. They hold hatred in their heart. They fear us – for bringing them out of the Null and into this. They want to kill us because we create their lives from our bodies. What kind of alchemy is that? What kind of power? Within our flesh, we make flesh. Whilst we are reading books, working, fighting, sitting on the bus, we form atria, blood, lungs, legs, nails, hair, eyes, ears. Not all make it. We try again, or we don’t. We bear pain. We bear loss. We serve a customer coffee when we are feeling anxious and achy and dead tired on our feet, but we still offer a smile, and right at that moment inside us – unseen – is the first stretch and yawn in amniotic fluid. At some point we cross ourselves and summon to each being a human soul. They say there is no such thing as magic! Tsssssssk! So existence is explainable by – what? Devils and gods. Don’t make me spit on all the textbooks”.

Ultimately though, this is not about men versus women or Pagan/goddess worship versus monotheistic/patriarchal forms of worship. This is about our relationship with the mother and all that she gives. Going full circle, the fact that the statue-menhir at Castel Church is now devoid of her right breast, is poignant. This is the heart chakra and a mother draws her baby to it. The collective heart chakra is affected when we each close our hearts to the world – when we see ourselves separate from Mother Earth, when it becomes about power and control, about logic and rational, rather than unconditional love, compassion, empathy, joy and acceptance of all.

Furthermore, the fact that La Gràn'Mère has been broken in two is also poignant - a wounding to the sacral chakra, of women’s connection to their inherent creativity and wisdom, to a deep knowing, which literally creates, as if by magic, new life, and which is so powerful that every effort is still made to disguise it from us – keep it in the shadows. Never is this clearer than in our attitude towards the menstrual cycle, ingrained in our psyche as inconvenient, dirty and hidden, rather than something celebrated for the potential spiritual and empowering journey it can take us on, a month process of death and rebirth, letting go and receiving, a direct reflection of the cyclical nature of the sun, the moon and all of nature.

Over the years, women have been taught to fear this feminine power deep within them, and to turn away from it, exhausting themselves in the illusionary world of masculine power, control and materialism, of trying to encourage equality by giving away yet more of themselves to ‘make it’ in a male dominant world. The manner in which we have popped science on a pedestal further validates this. Whereas once we put our faith in the church, now we put it in the white coats of scientists, with all their logic and rational, left brain, male energy characteristics, and believing they know us and our bodies better than we do. This needs to change.

Rather than trying to fit in to the current paradigm, women might instead turn inwards and truly listen, using the menstrual cycle and the various transitions of womanhood as a compass for directing their lives, reclaiming their power, retrieving ownership of their body and their inherent feminine energy  and giving themselves the time and space to be guided by their intuition and inner wisdom so that individually and collectively they can create a reality far more magical, compassionate, truthful, balanced and nourishing than the one we are currently living in.

This no easy feat but the time has come. We individually need to be the change we most want to see in the world, and it has to start with each of us taking responsibility not least for healing our own inner wounding and trauma, and freeing this up and down the ancestral line, but living in a more authentic way, with greater alignment to our truth, stepping into our power, honouring our inner wisdom, trusting our intuition and acting from it, rather than giving away our power to the establishment. In the process we will free ourselves from outdated agreements, contracts and conditioning, and help to collectively change our relationship with Mother Earth into something far more respectful, sustaining and loving.  It’s time to heal the mother wound within each of us.

The Eclipse squeeze and changing the narrative

Well we’re in the eclipse squeeze but I feel that we are being gifted the opportunity to change our narrative, this because our old stories are being highlighted and we have the chance to assess whether they’re still true…or whether they ever were in the first place.

Often they’re not, just our perception of something or something we’ve taken on as if it is a truth based on what we have been told by others, our whole lives lived on the basis of someone else’s throw away comment or whatever it might be, our conditioning, cultural, educational or otherwise.

Any negative story can be changed into something far more positive. We are good enough. We are worthy enough. We are beautiful enough. We are safe. We are abundant. We are whole. We are already all these things, just we’ve been taught differently. To keep us disempowered, challenged, insecure and feeling that we need fixing.

We don’t need fixing. We just need to notice the unhelpful stories. The outdated ways of seeing ourselves and relating to ourselves ad acknowledging the positive instead and all that we are and have become and all our life experiences, those we labelled good, those we labelled bad and everything in between that have made us the person we are today. We should be rejoicing in that.

There’s more going on. Women. Patriarchy. Women being heard. Still the wounding. And I have been attempting to write a blog about this…and each day the universe brings in something to reinforce this. Other women feeling the same. St Martin’s Church having to be a little more discerning than they have been and feeling uncomfortable about us practicing Reiki or chanting at the community centre as its consecrated land owned by St Martin’s Church…still Christianity rejects us women and our voice and our healing potential.

But obviously that’s just my perception and that’s not right or wrong, I just long for a world where all belief systems, all approaches to healing and living, for the greater good, are allowed and encouraged and not this segregation and division. And let’s not forget the land that St Martin’s Church is now on, was once a place of Pagan worship, until that was denied…and my blog on the Mother wound that resulted will follow…really, when will we change the narrative in this world?

Maybe that also is coming up on this eclipse season…

Love Emma x

Samhain - From Darkness Comes Light

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who bought my e-book on Thursday 27 October helping to make it a #1 best seller in the New Age category and #2 in spirituality. As of Friday the book was also currently #1 in the Hot New Releases chart for New Age Meditation and #3 in Hot New Releases for the entire Mind, Body & Spirit category. We’re all delighted!

Hopefully these rankings will help it to get to the people who many benefit, which is what it was all about really, to try and help others from my own experience. It wasn't easy writing that book, over four years of digging deeper into the issues raised, re-writing and re-writing again. It got to the stage when I was done. Otherwise you could just keep re-writing your whole lifetime.

It wasn’t my intention to release it just before Samhain. I would have loved to have launched it months ago as it has become a bit of a weight, keeping me tied to the past, and desperate to break free and create space, but alas there was one delay after another, and well, I am a big believer in divine timing and also knew that the book was all about taking me on an inner journey and one thing I am continuously working with is patience and trust…so…

But what’s interesting is that really it’s perfectly timed without me having any control over it…another wonderful reminder that we should never try to control…because we are descending into the darkness, and this book of course entitled From Darkness Comes Light!. And I’ll be honest, the last week has been a little challenging, not least because of the eclipse and the intense energy it brought with it, but all my fears around being so open and vulnerable to criticism, let alone the fear of harming anyone through the words written, obviously never my intention, but one can never be sure how one’s words are received. It’s been a big week.

All of this then, drew me into a darkness, not because I was unhappy, but because of the fears and because of the sense of what next? There is this space, this emptiness, this not knowing, this not feeling entirely safe, because there is nothing concrete to hold into, because all is dark, transitioning from one way of being to another, and not yet sure what that looks like and therefore the mind’s tendency to want to replicate what has happened before because it is known and therefore safe.

This can cause one to live one’s life very much in one’s head, not really here, trying to work things our logically and rationally, unable to settle the energy down into the heart, because of the inability to let go to it, not a conscious resistance but a resistance nonetheless, and with all that a life review, figuring out what’s working and what’s not, noticing what is abiding and what is dropping away, where energy is being leaked and by whom, and what needs to be taken back again.

This has not been a bad thing because it has drawn me into myself again, caused me to want to rest, to retreat, to tighten boundaries, to be with myself again, after months of outward energy, and try to tie up loose ends, finish the book, release it out into the world, be there for clients, for the children, we know how it goes, always so much going on, but it doesn't have to be like that. What we see outside ourselves is a reflection of what is going on within, and I have seen too much busyness and noise, and now to find greater balance, calm and peace. Needless to say I have found myself in dolmens and making the most of alone opportunities.

It hadn’t dawned on me today, that this is actually the energy of Samhain, the cross-quarter autumnal festival, marking the end of the Celtic year and the beginning of the new one. This is the time of chaos and the several of normal order; endings and beginnings occurring simultaneously. The Celts understanding of the cycle of the year, the turning of the wheel, saw death and darkness as important and necessary, and this part of the cycle, on the wane down to the winter solstice, as a period of rest and regeneration before rebirth.

Like Beltain (1 May - famed by the St Michael’s ley line, which is aligned with Beltain sunrise and passes through Glastonbury Tor and Avebury), Samhain (pronounced sow-ein) is a magical time, because the veil between the world of matter and the unseen world of spirit becomes thin - a sort of crack in the fabric of space-time. It’s a time for going within, connecting with the mystery, divination, and communicating with our ancestors.

It’s also a time to re-evaluate our life and goals and to rid ourselves of any negativity or opposition that may surround our perceived achievements or hinder any future progress. In theory, Samhain should have seen the accomplishment of our previous desires and intentions, and now we seek to stabilise them and protect whatever has been gained. It’s important, because it is impossible to concentre or put energy into new goals, intentions and desires, when what we have is not yet secure.

This is the dark phase of the year, the the mystery of transformation can take place. But alas a part of us may die and that creates some resistance, some anxiety, some depression, some fear as we have to let go like the leaves on trees, and trust in spirit. But there has to be this death in preparation for something new to be reborn. It is a time to journey into the unconscious and the spirit realms within each of us and this of course asks us to sacrifice our outer selves for a while, to rest, sleep, meditate, slow down, be quiet - all the things I, and others I’m sure, have been drawn to do. .

Whatever needs to be born will become increasingly clear after time spent exploring our unconscious over the winter months, ready for rebirth in the spring. We can honour this cycle, safe in the knowledge that each end and death of what has been, of what is now old and done, will bring the opportunity for a fresh start, as each beginning also holds within it an end.

As Glennie Kindred writes, “This endless cycle of change is necessary, bringing renewal of cells, of our understanding, our ideas and ourselves. It means there are always new opportunities to start again, to stay healthy. Many illnesses are rooted in stuck energy patterns, emotional congestion and hanging onto the past.

We have been taught to fear our inner world and to mistrust the information we may receive through our intuition, and our connection to our inherent inner wisdom. Many of our actions come from our subconscious thinking and belief patterns. We may not always be aware of the subtle conditioned responses that may silently rule our lives…

…We need to turn and face our fears with courage and determination and find the potential hidden within them. From this courageous journey will come transformation, a balanced perspective and re-birth in the age-old tradition of Samhain”.

I couldn’t have written that better myself. We can probably all relate to it. And I wonder now if this is why so many are currently feeling anxious because of the energy of the Samhain let alone the eclipses, encouraging us to face our fears and consider where their roots may lie, being honest with ourselves and looking at our lives, seeing where we are with any goals, intentions and desires, paying attention to what needs to be protected, and noticing what needs to be let go of…our fears can be our greatest teacher.

thus it really is a time to drop within, the clocks changing, the dark nights drawing in, an opportunity to get beyond the rational and the logical and explore the edges of our own inner wilderness, beyond that which is seen, known and safe, to truly go to that fear of uncertainty and edginess…and sit deep into it…

I’ve been trying to do this. It’s not easy. But I know that there is no other way. Otherwise we just keep doing more of the same and wondering why we feel stagnant and stuck. Change. And this, was something else that entered my orbit today. The word ‘change’ is used to describe the money we receive when we pay for something and we get some back again. It is understood that this change, can create exactly that. Because we get to choose how we spend that change, and that change and the way we spend it, might just change our life.

We have the choice to use it to pay for things from ethical and independent organisations, or to use it to feed the big corporations. We can use it at farmers markets, supporting our community, we can use it at charity shops, recycling and re-using, we can do all sorts of things wit that change, we just need to be aware how we’re spending that change, and the impact that might have on this world…and how it might therefore be positively used to create change.

So there we go. Samhain. Bringing up our fears and the perfect energy for us to rest, renew and retreat within, to deepen into intuition and inner wisdom and to sacrifice our outer selves for the time being.

I’m excited to explore more of this with some of you at our Mind Your Mind, Yoni Yoga class tomorrow, to celebrate the launch of my book, with optional tea and cakes, conations to Guernsey Mind. All are welcome, 9.30-10.30am at Cobo Community Centre, bring a mat, a blanket and don’t forget the clocks go back!

Lastly, thank you again to those of you who have bought the e-book, it is still available on Amazon for 99p until Monday, and the paperback is now available on Amazon for £10.99, or from me for the same amount. Here’s the linkhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Darkness-Comes-Light-Journey-Wellness-ebook/dp/B0BKGJS9K8/ref=sr_1_1?crid=477D79DEILGD&keywords=From+Darkness+Comes+Light&qid=1667078257&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjgxIiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=from+darkness+comes+light%2Caps%2C134&sr=8-1

Oh and please don’t forget to leave a positive review! Thank you!

Happy Samhain.

Love Emma x