Mothering oneself ahead of menopause

I have seen quite a few women recently, especially older mothers who are really up against themselves. Not least because they are experiencing the tiredness that comes at this time of year, as we descend to the darkest days of the year, which demands our resting, while trying at the same time to keep going and manage all that Christmas demands of us. Add in hormonal shifts as we begin the transition from one way of being to another that the perimenopausal years bring with them and we are likely to feel a touch squeezed.

What I have noticed within all this, and again especially with older mothers who are navigating primary-aged motherhood while also navigating the beginning of the change to enchantress and on to crone, that they feel anything but enchanted. Maybe because they came to motherhood late, they have thrown everything to it and lost themselves along the way. Not to say that younger mothers haven’t done the same, just that energy levels for older mothers aren’t necessarily what they were when younger, and sometimes there are established careers to manage too, or at least the need to earn money continues regardless of age that one comes to motherhood.

The mother guilt can be huge around doing anything to nourish themselves, taking time out, going within, and looking at the internal landscape, giving back a little. Not only that but also connecting to a deeper level fo self and indeed truth. Many of these women are putting up with lives which don’t quite fit but not sure what to do about it and feeling selfish for putting themselves first.

This happens naturally, around mid forties. It’s how we come to embrace our inner power, cutting back dead woods, letting go of people who drain our energy, exiting dead end relationships, seriously considering what we want to do with ourselves in the latter part of our life, beyond our role as mother. We might also finally start to recognise that unless we do something now to love and accept ourselves, then it probably isn’t going to happen - at some point in our lives we have to look at ourselves honestly and what we want living forwards.

And while some will feel selfish for taking the time to look at themselves, it is absolutely necessary. Otherwise we are teaching our children that it’s OK to lose oneself to someone else, that it’s OK to spend your life in dead end relationships and jobs that don’t fulfil us and that often take advantage of us. That it’s OK to disrespect ourselves, to not care for and love ourselves.

But really it’s not OK and goes against our micro managing of our children’s lives as we try to reduce the harm done. And yet even this is an illusion because we can only ever base this on harm done to ourselves and the way that our mind and motional body has perceived/felt it. And our children are their own little beings with their own emotional body and mental perception and they can have exactly the same experiences as us, but perceive them and respond to them totally differently. So really we can let ourselves off the hook and just get on with getting on, knowing we are doing our best, life is not always easy and we each have a unique soul journey.

Whichever way we look at it, regardless of the age of our children as we approach our mid forties we are up against ourselves. But the quicker we can notice this and take ownership of it, doing something about it, taking time to nourish, nurture and heal ourselves, looking honestly at our lives, at what is working and not, of where our energy is being wasted, of the way we talk to and relate to ourselves, whether we are always pushing, whether we deal with our stresses and anxieties, whether we have resolved our trauma, then the less we will be burdened down by it as we enter menopause.

Menopause brings with it a huge change in the way we live and relate to self and it can floor people if they haven’t been doing the work to prepare themselves, if their life is out of balance and they have given themselves away to others. Menopause tries to bring you back home, but the body can do some pretty radical things to get your attention if you have been ignoring it thus far.

So really we absolutely need to ut ourselves first at times. Follow our joy. Fill ourselves up. Stop micro managing and controlling our lives and those we care for Love our children but don’t take away their right to their own experience of life. And definitely not to lose ourselves along the way. Freedom ultimately, from all that binds us and takes us further away from the truth of who we are.

Anyway I stumbled across this fab quote from Dr Christiane Northrup which I just love as it sums it up perfectly…

Mothering Myself

In a society preoccupied with how best to raise a child

I’m finding a need to mesh what’s best for my children with

What’s necessary to be a well-balanced mother.

I’m recognising that ceaseless giving translates into giving yourslef

away.

And when you’ve given yourself away, you’re not a healthy other

and you’re not a healthy self.

So, now I am leaning to be a woman first and a mother second.

I’m learning to just experience my own emotions without robbing

my children of their individual dignity by feeling their emotions too.

I’m learning that a healthy child will have his own set of emotions

and characteristics that are his alone.

And, very different to mine.

I’m learning the importance of honest exchanges of feelings because

pretences don’t fool children,

They know their mother better than she knows herself.

I’m learning that no one overcomes her past unless she confronts it.

Otherwise, her children will absorb exactly what she’s attempting to overcome.

I’m learning that words of wisdom fall on death ears if my actions

contradict my deeds.

Children tend to be better impersonators than listeners.

I’m learning that life is meant to be filled with as much sadness

and pain as happiness and pleasure.

And allowing ourselves to feel everything life has to offer is an

indicator of fulfilment.

I’m learning that fulfilment can’t be attained through giving

myself away.

But, through giving to myself and sharing with others,

I’m learning that the best way to teach my children to live a

fulfilling life is not by sacrificing my life.

It’s through living a fulfilling life myself.

I’m trying to teach my children that I have a lot to learn

because I’m learning that letting go of them

Is the best way of holding on”

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