Trust the heavens and the earth on the new moon

Oh my goodness, I think I died and went to heaven this evening. I had this feeling we needed to come to Sark, no idea why, just a break, because I love it, because I needed to recharge, there was no reason really, just felt the pull.

Coincidentally, the lights were being turned on in the high street an hour or so after we arrived. Wow! There was quite a gathering, I didn’t realise there were so many people with children living on Sark, more so since the recent influx. The Sark School children treated us to some amazing singing, I was super impressed, well done you lot, and your teacher. Then Santa arrived and the lights were turned on. Another wow!!!

The lights are amazing!!! And overhead, the Sark skies, oh my goodness, we were so lucky after such a wet start to the morning, and here, the most incredible clear skies. Sark never lets us down, thank you!

I hadn’t anticipated the dark skies cycle ride home. I didn't think to pack a torch in my hand luggage, and my phone had run out of battery, so I attempted to cycle Eben and me home in the pitch black. Alas though I shouldn’t have been concerned, the message this new moon is bringing (an eclipse too, super potent and with the solstice soon and some planetary stuff going on) is to trust the earth beneath our feet and the heavens above.

This has been coming through all week, not least within me, but my students and clients too. Maybe it’s Covid, but I think Covid is a mere trigger for something much more ancient, an old pattern of humanity, our collective inability to trust that all our needs are met in each moment. That we don’t need to try to hold it all together ourselves, control outcomes, that we really can go with the flow of life, as nature does with such ease and grace.

I’ve seen this showing up in bodies all week, mine especially. I had no idea how much stress and anxiety I was holding deep within. I can definitely trace it back to childbirth, when I felt the earth drop away from me with a planned C-section due to full grace placenta previa with Elijah. I was extremely angry that I wasn’t being gifted the home birth that I dreamed, but I was also fully fearful, for the first time in a long time of what lay ahead.

This was not fear of motherhood, although if I had realised, I would have feared it, but more the actual birth and whether the surgery was going to go as planned. There was the fear that I might need a general anaesthetic and neither E or I would have been present to witness the birth. There was also the fear of a blood transfusion, which I knew I didn’t want, and having no choice due to the possibility of extensive blood loss.

I have never been as scared as I was waiting for E in that theatre room, almost willing him into the room, as validation that we would both get to witness the birth of our baby. I cannot tell you the relief when i did see him, it was indescribable after the weeks of stressing about it. This is me too, who should have known better, who should have trusted in the universe and remembered the Reiki principles, but I had fallen out with the universe by then, my faith had been tested and I hadn't risen to the challenge, I hadn't found the strength too go with the flow, not then.

Motherhood itself was a shock to the system. Literally. I was in shock and yet I tried to keep going, do what I’d always done, ensure some solidity, some continuity, some grounding to my world that had changed in ways I could not, ever, have imagined. I realise now that because it was so absolutely scary and demanding and all consuming, and me so selfish previously of my time and energy, that the change was so HUGE that I have not stopped running since.

I caught myself last week, breathing again, easily. Life has slowed down, both boys being cared for, me alone, and I realised that I can stop running now, that it has become manageable and less scary, joyful and pleasant instead. If you had asked me about that event year ago, I would have been too busy running, a 3 year old is the trickiest age for me, so it was a relief when our youngest made it to four a few months ago. Life has changed and there is more time and space and I have grown into motherhood, finally.

But it’s still in my body, the running, tight, in the fight/flight musculature, deep tension, so deep that it’s taken me seven years to find it, to get through the layers, to flow down enough to find the holding that accompanied that first caesarean section. A lot has happened during that time, three books have been written, a number of retreats have taken place, innumerable people have been assigned to reiki, our consciousness, collectively, has increased, life has changed. But there has still been this holding deep inside, drawing in more of the same; stress.

I write about it extensively in my new book, From Darkness Comes Light’ so I won’t repeat myself here, you’ll just have to wait. I can’t wait to finish editing it, I’m proud of it, excited to get it out there when the time is right. It’s madam dig deeper into my shadows, my skin drawing me in, my barrier between the inner and outer world highlighting my tension. Motherhood has a lot to answer for, and yet it is the greatest gift, not only bestowing us with daily mirrors, but making us look at our every core belief, our conditioning and our mental imprinting. It’s been an interesting seven years and only now, everything has a seven year cycle right, I’m opting through then other side,.

The universe has our back. We have our own back. Try and reflect back to what was happening for you seven years ago because I think the universe is bringing anything unresolved back up. Consider your connection to the earth, your deep trust in it (or lack of trust) and your connection to the heaven, your faith in some higher power, however you name it, and look at where you hold your tension, physical, mental and emotional.

The more I have practiced with an awareness of my spine, the more I do feel as if I have my own back. All of our roots have been shaken this year, all our core beliefs challenged. Once we were told we couldn’t work from home, couldn’t be trusted, now we are actively encouraged to work from home. Once we were watched 24/7, now we have greater freedom to pop to yoga classes during our working day, go sea swimming, sneak out, make up our hours later. The world kept spinning. Life continued. We’re starting to see how some of the stuff we’re been told, our conditioning, is a great big pile of poo. We’re reclaiming our power, step by step.

My whole world was turned on its head simply because I discovered a way to practice yoga that was actually kind to my body, that didn’t force it to be a certain way, that wasn’t exercising it for the sake of exercising it, that wasn't trying to change it’s fundamental nature. As someone who had suffered for years with an eating disorder, this was profound, I cried with the sheer relief that there was another way form the one I had been trained and had grown weary of. I was bored, the practice was no longer sustaining me. We have to evolve. Get out of our minds, out of our conditionings, we have to trust.

Which brings me back to Sark, because as I was cycling home in the pitch black I was wondering how we might make it home as I really couldn’t see anything ahead. And then, lo and behold, another cyclist (not daddy as it turned out) appeared from out of nowhere with lights, which saw me to the next section of path where a mobile scooter was travelling along with a whole heaps of lights so I could see a little further ahead, to the junction when daddy did finally appear!

It struck me as rather appropriate as I question trust and faith and the path. That the light appears to help us move along our path when we are on it, and we just have to trust in that and have faith. Sark is amazing, it really does allow us to go with the flow and notice the comfort that comes from that, when we truly let go. The lights are amazing if you happen to get a chance to visit (taken me 45 years though to make it for a pre-Christmas Sark!).

Enjoy the new moon if I don’t see you before then, it’s a potent one, so really pay attention to what it is trying to show you.

x

Why are we always at war?

Maybe it’s already been discussed on social media, but is it any coincidence that as we declare war on a virus, ‘our enemy’, the fashion industry is awash with camo print this season?! Why do we always have to be at war with something?

I saw on the news today that people are going to be asked to “step forward for your country” in terms of getting the vaccine. I mean seriously, if ever we think we’re at war then it’s comments like that. I’m not anti the vaccine by the way, or pro it for that matter, everyone should have the right to choose according to their perspective, situation and families. But I do wish we’d stop this war talk and look deeper, at the reason we’re getting these super killing viruses in the first place.

Furthermore, I really wish, for the sake of my children and their children, that we’d stop focusing on the quick fix and look at the bigger picture, how we’re living, and how we’re living in relationship with our own nature and nature generally. It seems so blindingly obvious to me. Yet here we have 70 million Americans voting for a man who doesn’t even believe in climate change, let alone equality for all regardless of race or gender.

We could easily get really depressed about the state of the world at the moment, all the actual wars as people kill one another in the name of religion, or some sort of power base, whatever it is, crazy. Krishnamurti was right when he said:

“We human beings are what we have been for millions of years - colossally greedy, envious, aggressive, jealous, anxious and despairing, with occasional flashes of joy and affection. We are a strange mixture of hate and gentleness; we are both violence and peace. There has been outward progress from the bullock cart to the jet plane, but psychologically, the individual has not changed at all, and the structure of society throughout the world has been created by individuals. The outward social structure is the result of inward psychological structure of our human relationships, for the individual is the result of the total experience, knowledge and conduct of man. Each one of us is a storehouse of all the past. The individual is the human who is all mankind. The whole history of man is written in ourselves”.

It can only ever change with each of us, but we’re often at war within ourselves, not at peace with who we are and/or our purpose on planet earth. We fight with those we love, take our crap out on those we don’t, and wonder why we suffer the way we do. The only way we’ll change the world is by changing ourselves, taking responsibility for our health and wellbeing, our state of mind, our level of consciousness then, and our resulting experience of life, determined as it by the state of our mind.

But of course, so many don’t make any effort to know more of themselves, to understand the nature of their mind and the manner in which their mind impacts on the collective consciousness of life lived here on planet earth, how the lack of delving in the shadows, the lack of fundamental change, of increasing consciousness by waking up to our true selves (beyond the illusion of this material world), means that we just keep getting more of the same, albeit packaged differently, because we are continuously reinventing the wheel.

As Krishnamurti said: “…in order to understand ourselves we need a great deal of humility… But how can we be free to look and learn when our minds, from the moment we are born to the moment we die, are shaped by a particular culture in the narrow pattern of the ‘me’? For centuries, we have been conditioned by nationality, caste, class, tradition, religion, language, education, literature, art, custom, convention, propaganda of all kinds, economic pressure, the food we eat, the climate we live in, our family, our friends, our experiences - every influence you can think of - and therefore our responses to every problem are conditioned.”

So it is that when we feel threatened as a society by something, be that another religion or a virus, we declare war on it! This is the conditioned response. If only we could get out of our minds and find a different way to live, that doesn’t respond to conditioning, to what has happened previously, to always having to find a way to harm and limit the possibility for peace.

The way we live is harmful! This is really at the crux of it. Life is being lived too quickly, frenetically, and we are expected to keep up, even though it is not in our nature, not fundamentally, to live at this pace. Increasing numbers of people are suffering mentally with depression and anxiety rates on the rise, let alone stress and the resulting loss of life through heart conditions and cancers, as our hearts give up under the weight of all the tension, and our cells are the battleground for all the inner tension.

This from trying to live in a way that isn’t harmonious with the very core of our being, and within us all this dis-resonance, being one person at work, another person at home, another person with friends and another with our children, never truly knowing who we are deep on the inside beyond the titles, labels and names we give ourselves, beyond all the outward stuff to try to prove who we are - that we are someone - in this world.

So we roll out our mat and we practice, and we look inside, beyond the superficial, to deeper parts of us that we ignore, to those muscles that we never use, or need to connect into, because some of the larger muscles take over the path of least resistance, repeating more of what has been, depending grooves that now need to change, awakening to unhelpful movement patterns in the body and the underlying emotional and mental imprinting, the stuff that doesn’t need to be there anymore, that weighs us down, keeps us stuck, keeps us limited, keeps us being at war within ourselves.

The wonderful thing about yoga is that it doesn’t ask much of you, just to turn up and keep turning up, that’s all. Yoga weaves magic into our lives, we breathe, we move with awareness, we rest, we sit in silence and observe, it doesn’t need expensive clothes, an all-singing, all dancing mat, it doesn’t need our titles and our labels and our stories and narratives, it just needs our attention, our awareness, and it is this that will help to wake up, help us make peace with ourselves and be at peace within ourselves.

The world needs us to wake up. Not more war. We’re done with war. There has to be another way and I’m hopeful the next generation will be more awake than us and usher in the change we need on planet earth. But we need to lay the pathways for them, do the work on ourselves, encourage greater inner resolution and peace, greater responsibility for our experience of life lived so that we positively influence them.

This because when we resolve dis-resonance in ourselves, then it is resolved in them too energetically and so we clear it from the line, shift the consciousness filtering through, positively affect intergenerational patterns, so that we literally change the course of our family line…we stop passing our crap (inherited from our parents and their parents, all the conditioning from eons ago) through to the next generation…It’s our duty then.

But more on that another time!

x

The Secret Kissing of the Sun and the Moon

There’s this wonderful Hang Massive song called ‘The Secret Kissing of the Sun and the Moon; and Got to experience this for myself on Sunday, such was that amazing full moon energy.

I just had this feeling I needed to head to Le Varde to sit with the ancients. My soul has been craving calm and never is it calmer than here, even Elijah felt it, there’s something incredibly incredible about that place, I sometimes wonder if I might be transported to another place in time and space in there, like a portal just awaiting the right alignment.

I also had this feeling that we needed to head to Fort Le Marchant. I’m pretty sure I must have headed out there at some point in my life but not consciously and I couldn’t get over how amazing it is out there and this on my doorstep, I pay a fortune to travel to other parts of the world to find this albeit there were lots of dog walkers and it’s the solitude I pay for in the Outer Hebrides etc.

We were out on our own at the Fort ever so briefly until we chanced upon another yoga teacher as it happens who was out there to enjoy sunset. Our timing was perfect and totally unintended, but as we left, we got to see the sun set to the west and the moon rise to the east, my goodness, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven! The universe was abundant in all her glory and there too followed a skinny dip and howl in the dark sea lit gently by the light of the full moon above, this with a soul swim friend, thank you Jo.

Monday I awoke forgetting it was E’s birthday, and settled into my meditation before I remembered, whoops, so gave that up, there were presents to be opened, by the children obviously! Once that was completed though my pendulum called me to the Bach floral remedies and the Star of Bethlehem appeared, I don’t know that I’ve ever dowsed this one before and lo and behold brought with it the word ‘shock’. Of course!

This last week especially I have noticed a pattern in bodies I’ve been interacting, and souls too of course, this deep distrust in heaven and earth and here of course sitting in the centre is a deep shock, covid will have escalated these feelings, the shock of arriving on planet earth probably set the scene, the arrival into the bright lights of this world, unless you were fortunate to arrive in the dimmed lights of a maternity room or at home. Many more these days appear in theatre, bright lights and clinical introduction to planet earth, was that what was intended?!

I did think to myself that if it is true and Le Varde was a fertility chamber and with that a portal for new life to enter, then what a space! A calmness that you might not find in the hospital environment or in the stressful and chaotic nature of our lives lived these days. But I am reminded that we have a choice and it is up to us the choice we make, the thoughts we allow ourselves to think and the manner in which we relate to our environment, externally and internally, a reflection of each other perhaps. Something somewhere always has the possibility of shifting, of pausing so that the change can come in.

I was talking about this with my philosophy teacher yesterday and I am blown away by the Sutras and the manner in which they address all this! The first step is to become aware. To notice that which no longer serves us and at least then we get to choose. Until that point we have no idea that what we’re doing is even a choice, or that it is no longer serving us. I’ve always found yoga and Reiki so helpful in helping to show up the patterns so that we start to become aware of what might need to change.

Then we start to make a conscious decision to do something different, little steps, baby changes, one glass of wine less each night perhaps, chocolate only once a week, an earlier bedtime if we can manage it, an earlier start so we might incorporate a 5 minute mediation, committing to a yoga practice twice a week, little things that we can commit to, that we consciously decide to change and as we do we make space - inside and outside - for the mystery to weave her magic in our life.

That’s what the full moon revealed yesterday, more of my own patterns, around stress and rushing, around shock that I can continue to ignore and hope will go away, or I can take ownership and responsibility and change something, me, mainly! So I’m grateful to the moon and her illuminating more of where the path is right now, not where it’s going, because I’m becoming increasingly aware that we can really only be aligned with it in this moment…this moment right now. Let’s breathe to that!

Trust on the full moon

The message this full moon is trust.

I’ve worked with a number of people this week and there has been a common theme, this I feel in my own body too, a deep distrust, in the earth below and heaven above, not consciously, but from a very old place, past life, and from this life mental imprinting, which causes us to hold on extremely tightly, especially around the centre of the spine and in our solar plexus.

It’s an old pattern for us all, eons ago, and the full moon is bringing into the collective consciousness. I’m pretty sure you’ll be feeling it too.

This isn’t about letting go for the sake of letting go, this is about deeply trusting instead and in that deep deep part within yourself. This is knowing that even in the darkness and most challenging moments of your life that your soul has your back and that life can still be meaningful and hopeful. That actually it is sometimes those darkness moments, which will bring the most meaning and sense of hopefulness into your life, give life greater meaning.

So we trust in that and we start to notice the mental imprinting which conflicts with that, the need to control and make certain, to plan and organise and try to mitigate (and litigate) all risk from our lives. Covid taught us that. We can’t! It’s not easy, it’s one of the most challenging spiritual lessons, to overcome our deep distrust and need to control outcome and brings us right back to duality and to the mind and the manner in which this is really our problem!

It starts by noticing and the body provides us with this opportunity, in our yoga practice to notice where we are gripping and holding on for dear life, in all postures, not just those that take us out of our comfort zone, and the way we are challenged when presented with something new, a different movement pattern or way of practising a posture, and of the way we cling to notions of principles. Do not be fooled! The more you cling on to what you’ve been told, to an idea or a notion of something that’s concrete, absolute and somehow certain, the greater the fall when you realise that contain the soul.

It takes us to the path. I’ve finished writing my book about depression and I write in there about how the ‘sod it’ moments of my life have often been the most fruitful, not the carefully planned ones, not the arranged ones, but the ones that happen when I let go into spontaneity, and when I am therefore least expecting it, something new will pop in to lead me down a different path that I had literally not imagined.

This quite in contrast to the vision board and moon manifesting that I have done in the past, and which exerts a certain amount of will and a lot of energy to create an outcome. This approach started to settle uncomfortably with me, because even though I might have felt it came form heart, there was a lot of pushing and expectation of outcome, which took up a lot of headspace.

My yoga teacher just this week commented that if you think you’re following your path, you’re probably following someone else’s instead, because you’re path reveals itself to you moment to moment. This morning I stumbled across a quote, “trust in the path your soul is leading you to”, which just sums it up beautifully for me. It helps to turn it all on its head, so it is not about directing the path but about allowing the path to unfold moment to moment as your soul reveals itself to you.

This helps us get out of our head and out of our need to control and asks us to go deeper, to come from a different place entirely, not just of heart but of deep trust…of root and crown and everything in-between. There is a point where they meet, where the path reveals itself, in the down and the up and the up and down and it is that place that we let go into, the deep mystery and the deep unknown. This is where we find what we have been seeking and it will only reveal itself to us when we go within.

As Rumi wrote:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about."

There is no language for what we might find, no need for adornments, no need for anything other than courage and vulnerability and an openness to all that might be revealed when we find that place beyond the limitations of the mind.

Trust. Undoing. Releasing.

Enjoy the full moon!

xx

Beinspired is finding its voice

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently on the duality of this world we live in; with good there is bad, with black there is white, with hate there is love, and all this in the context of that which I most resist or have a strong opinion about, which might cause me to lose my centre because of orientating one way or the other. 

For example, since May I have turned my back on social media and while I have felt much better for it personally, I have recently found myself questioning the impact of me holding onto the perspective that it is ‘bad’ without also considering its inherent goodness too. 

It was not that my experience of social media was not bad per se, I was not vilified or bullied, but it never made me feel very good on the inside and I wasn’t sure it was bringing out the best in me, or in others, or in the wider world per se. I didn’t want to be doing something just because others were doing it and I certainly didn’t want to post for the sake of posting to satisfy an algorithm that has been set up to keep us online. It didn’t make sense to me and made me feel increasingly uncomfortable.

I am very aware that we all of us have a choice about how we utilise our time and while I might rather be writing or practising yoga or outside with the children than stuck inside online with social media, others may have a totally different take on things and it might for them be a lifeline. So while coming off social media has been a very positive experience for me, for others it might be a very negative experience. 

My ponderings have also caused me to watch Social Dilemma and consider more of the effect of social media on the mind and our sense of self. I’m very aware how social media can negatively impact our mental wellbeing, playing into our insecurities and making us feel as if we are missing out or don’t know what’s going on if we’re not on there. This to the extent that we can get hooked without even realising it, so that our mind cannot imagine a life without it such is our dependency on it. 

I’m aware how much the big corporations play into this and make every attempt to ruthlessly profiteer from our dependencies and the need to be someone and fit in to a world that tries to control through organising and boxing us into labels and definitions, organisations in fact, and common ways of being. I am fascinated by all this too – how we try to buy an identity and a sense of self, as if we too can be commodified, often looking outside of ourselves, just look at the yoga ‘industry’…

There’s a sutra in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras which talks about ‘pratipaksa bhavanam’ (Chapter 2, Verse 33), which basically means looking at things from a different point of the view. It’s used in the context of ‘when we find ourselves disturbed/unsure of what to do, not sure of the best way forward, try and look at it from the other perspective’, and I have tried to put this into practice with my resistance to social media.

I have no qualms whatsoever with removing myself from all social media platforms, I have made complete peace with that, but I was beginning to have doubts about Beinspired, not least because I have finally accepted that I am running a business, albeit one with a heart and a genuine orientation towards the community, but because I’ve been feeling increasingly that it needs its own voice. 

Since last May, as lockdown in Guernsey eased, I have stood back a little to feel into things. 2020 has thrown life up in the air and I wasn’t quite sure how it would settle and where I would settle with it. There was a point where I wasn’t even sure I wanted to continue teaching, which surprised me a little as I have always imagined that I would teach until the day I die, but the questioning was there nonetheless.

I even found myself questioning what yoga means to me, and perhaps this was has been the most challenging  aspect of all my questioning, because even this has changed too. It’s been gradual, but picked up a pace this summer the more I practiced with my teacher and began to heal old wounds around eating disorder to the extent that I stopped considering asana (postures) as just another way of controlling my body and feeding into old patterns of self-harm (the ‘push through it/overextending mentality’). 

I began to see the way in which my old way of practising had been feeding into my imbalances and keeping me stuck. My practice had taken me so far, I could practice all these fancy poses but I couldn’t be sure that it was truly changing me, or at least it wasn’t getting at some of my deeply ingrained patterns that I knew needed shifting and releasing. There was nowhere to hide anymore, and actually I didn’t want to hide or use my practice to numb out from feeling and from deepening my experience of yoga. 

While I have always approached yoga as a spiritual practice and tried to share this in my teachings, it has become clearer and clearer to me over the years that it really is a spiritual practice, that not only connects us more fully to the ‘self’, but that calms our mind to the extent that we are even able to recognise, let alone ‘hear’, the self. Thus it becomes a practice to literally freeing us from the limitations and restrictions of the mind, and not just a form of exercising for the sake of exercising. 

Of course yoga does involve movement as we practice asana (postures), and this – in theory - to ensure that the body is healthy enough to enable us to live to a ripe old age where we might have more chance to sit comfortably and realise the self. Of course the postures offer many benefits and the attentive practising of them with an awareness of the breath, can, without doubt, help to still our mind and enable us to access deeper parts of ourselves in the body, but of course we have to be in the body to begin with, not lost in the thinking mind.

Being in the body enables us to notice where we are stuck and holding onto emotional pain which hasn’t been processed. This will often create physical discomfort as much as it will mental and emotional, and also spiritual suffering. With a regular practice we might begin to notice restrictive thought and behaviour patterns that both create and compound our own suffering an keep us tied in the past and limit us in some way, keeping us stuck.

It felt at times like feeling my way through a dark wood, seeking some evidence of a path which might lead me back to the light and to a greater understanding of what it means and how best to be with it in this lifetime! Of course there was a bigger picture, there is always a bigger picture, but I couldn’t see it, because on some level I was in the metamorphic stage and wasn’t actually sure whether I would truly end up finding my butterfly at the end, despite the many signs the universe tried to give me but that I struggled to see because I was so caught up in the uncomfortableness and muckiness of it in that moment!

The clarity eventually arrived, the bigger picture became clearer, there are always steps to take on the path to realising our dreams and of course appreciating and loving more of the self, but sometimes those steps make no sense in the moment, until we are later able to look back and go, ‘ah ha, so that was what that was all about!’. And while I may have had the idea, the notion then, that I always wanted Beinspired to be about more than just me, it’s taken it’s time to unfold to the extent that I’d stopped even imagining it.

But seeds that are planted, albeit some time ago, and that are tendered will, one day, potentially grow, and what they grow into, well who knows; look at Jack and his magic beans! So the seeds are growing in their own way and at their own pace, and perhaps it’s too early, I don’t know, but Beinspired is just starting to have a little bit more of its own voice, one that talks of serving the community and raising consciousness through teaching and sharing yoga and Reiki and through charitable projects and giving back to the island and to the land. 

Which brings me back to social media, because if there is one ‘good’ thing that social media offers, is the opportunity to bring together community, to share community based projects and events, which might help to bring together like minded people for the greater good of humanity and our evolution on this beautiful planet we call home. This left me in a quandary.

So I’ve tried to put into practice what I can (with my current level of understanding of the philosophy) of Chapter 2, verse 33 of the Yoga Sutras and ‘when we find ourselves disturbed/unsure of what to do, not sure of the best way forward, try and look at it from the other perspective’, which has found me considering the ‘goodness’ of social media and the benefits it offers. 

This has helped me to get myself out of the way a little and to be reminded that there is always another way of seeing things, to the extent that we might consider what might happen if we don’t do it, compared to what might happen if we do, do it. If we are stuck in an attitude of fear or resentment, for example, then we are asked to positively cultivate the opposite, to see this from a different perspective.

I’ve found this process extremely helpful to help me let go of my fixed idea about something, so that I might see both sides of the argument. Ultimately we all have a choice, that is the important thing, and over time our spiritual practice may help us to become increasingly conscious of the choices and impact of the decisions that we make – so we might ask ourselves, are we feeding something with good energy or bad energy and what might be the implications of this? It reminds me of mirrors, what we put out is reflected back at us. 

At Beinspired we have always intended and hoped to encourage a sense of community where people can discover, embrace and share their own uniqueness without fear of prejudice and have fun as they experience the healing and transformative nature of yoga and Reiki for themselves and never more so than now. If social media can help us to spread more love, joy and compassion out into the world then so be it, who am I to stand in the way of it! 

The way I now see it, Beinspired not being on Facebook will not stop others spending their time online, but it will mean that they cannot find out about us and that would be a shame. For Beinspired to have a voice it needs people who are willing to listen so I’m grateful to all of you who are already following us and thank you for hanging in there. We’re keen to let Beinspired speak for itself and look forward to connecting again soon.

 Plus, we’ve opened the blog up to comments in our quest to build more of our community and because sometimes we all have something that needs to be said, so please feel that you can leave your comments below, just appreciate that we’d like to keep the energy high and respectful too. 

A celebration of moving with lightness

We’re waxing down to the dark moon in a few day’s time and don’t I know it! I haven’t read too much about this new moon yet but what I did read confirmed to me that yes, this is a heavy one. In truth it feels like they’ve all been heavy this year, it is a heavy year, and from what I gather it’s not going to get any lighter just soon.

If ever we need to be reminded that we live in a world of uncertainty then this year proves it and as much as I might try to create some certainty in my life, arranging retreats and workshops in advance, I know that the arranging alone does not make them certain.

The practice, the yoga practice, the chanting practice, the reading of the ancient texts, the listening to the Sri Lankan monks, the Reiki, all of this, well it changes things. Everything changes. I was reading a lovely blog post about this yesterday and quoted from it in class. Even one yoga class will change us in some way, how can it not. But being changed is not easy because always we have to let go of our idea of how life should be lived and who we are, beyond the stories, narratives and titles we use to define ourselves.

I’ve not found that easy this year. I feel almost as if the roots have been lifted, my very foundations shaken as I have repeatedly questioned who I am and what exactly I’m practising and teaching, let alone how I’m living and how much of this is from my conditioning - most of it! On the one hand this is deeply liberating. but on the other it is very shaky and very unstable because I have to find a new way to be that might be more aligned, not just in terms of relationship with self but relationship with society too. The latter is almost trickier than the former.

I feel that each moon cycle has ramped this up a little, shone more lights into those places that I haven’t been able to see previously and there has been very little let up from one shift to another, one pattern showing up to another and all so much woven together.

There was a respite for a night spent on Sark, requested by my eldest for his birthday, his soul needing the peace as much as my own. It was magical as always, Sark air, the most incredible night sky and the rising half moon, cycling, no cars, peace, glorious peace and good friends to sit and chat with, a beach to ourselves to potter and swim. I died and went to heaven all in this lifetime.

There as a definite case of Sark blues returning back and into the thick of other people’s dramas and neuroses because we are all of us being squeezed.

I found my mat with renewed need today, and found my breath and a long yoga nidra. There was mediation and self Reiki later, and a need to come back to the texts, to something grounding. Then I thought maybe what I needed was to watch some yoga practised and I found this most beautiful video, which has warmed my heart and fed my soul and sorry if that sounds’s gooey but it was much needed and worked a treat - look at it, just BEAUTIFUL!!! It reminds me that it is worth it. The going against the flow, the doing things differently and all because my heart said so.

If your heart is saying so too then you’ll know that it’s not easy and that there are days when you just want to stay in bed and be done with it, when you might just throw your hands in the air and say that you’re done with it and join the treadmill again. But other days, when you are not so weary, when your children have slept and are not draining all your patience and energy and you are feeling inspired, that you don’t doubt it.

I don’t ever really doubt it, I just become tired by the challenges to almost help me deepen my faith in it. Then I’ll watch a video like that, or I’ll read this extract and I’ll feel strengthened by it, a bit like an angel card that says it exactly as you feel it, as if the universe really is able to commune with you, and it is, it is, it is. There is no such thing as a coincidence, the signs are everywhere, we’ve just got to open ourselves up to it:

“Freedom from the Known is one of Krishnamurti's most accessible works. Here, he reveals how we can free ourselves radically and immediately from the tyranny of the expected. By changing ourselves, we can alter the structure of society and our relationships. The vital need for change and the recognition of its very possibility form an essential part of this important book's message.”

I might just have stumbled across this book at just the right time, and what fascinates me the most is the fact I have finally stumbled across it, because Krishnamurti has been mentioned to me many times previously but all of a sudden tonight from nowhere, yet from a place of longing for something to shine a light, I find his name popping into my head and then I find my way to this book and this quote that means so much already. What force does that? Brings us to that which we need to connect? It’s not gravity and it’s not magnetism, so what is it, love? Divine? It’s amazing whatever it is.

So this is the video that I was watching that was like a light and gives me more strength to continue in the direction that my self practice has been taking me, with a little more lightness…and shining a light on those aspects of self that struggle with this, the linear, masculine and will based parts of me that have been so used to pushing my life forward over the years, of always trying my hardest to achieve come what may…come what may?! I’m pretty sure there’s a more gentle way. I see it in this lady’s practice and it inspires me on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvSBeujJKAo

Peace. That’s the word that keeps coming to me. Our inner peace. Reconciling all aspects of self, the right, the left, the active, the passive, the achiever and the complacent, the being in the middle of it all, the unknown and being OK with that. I’m pretty sure that the more lightness we can find in our movement on our mats, the less certain we are of form and more we allow the body it’s own beautiful expression, the more too our lives will be shaped by that lightness.

Enjoy the squeeze of the dark moon and her insights, and the new moon lightness that should follow…

xx

Our Herm Retreat

That was a truly memorable, enjoyable and magical retreat on Herm. We’ve been retreating on Herm, Vicki and I, for almost 12 years now and I don’t know that there’s ever been a bad retreat, some have been more stressful than others, and some more enjoyable than others, but they’ve all been magical in their own way.

This year the retreat coincided with a blue moon and Samhain, the first time that has happened since 1944 and I was keen to celebrate that and make memories. I don’t think I’ll forget waking that Saturday morning and E telling me to look out the window at the most amazing sunrise, only to laugh and remind him that we were looking west and seeing the moon set! Amazing was definitely the word!

Only a matter of minutes after that we were swimming at high tide in Herm harbour, 13 of us in total, a good show, especially considering that it was very blustery and only 7am! Later that day, in an attempt to celebrate Samhain, the festival of the dead and the end of the Celtic year, I encouraged a walk to Belvoir via the dolmen on the common. I was carrying a sleeping Eben at the time (this because he was wired on the eve of the full moon and slept poorly, as did I therefore!) so merely managed to lay a hand on the stones, while Vicki and Elijah investigated further!

At Belvoir, while the boys played in the surf and managed to soak their feet and clothes, E and I enjoyed our second swim of the day, the sun shining by then, and beautiful views of Sark ahead. This was just what I needed to clear my energy and set me up for the Vedic chanting class that followed next, one of my favourite classes on every retreat because I love chanting and I love being able to share it with others; I was positively vibrating thereafter!  

Don’t get me wrong though, I loved teaching the asana classes too, there was a real sense of commitment shown by all students over the weekend and it was wonderful to witness some break throughs and smiles, let alone the calm energy after the evening yoga nidra, and seeing everyone enjoying themselves. 

That Saturday evening we met at 9pm, 9 of us this time for an evening swim at low tide at the beach opposite the hotel, wading through seaweed and just praying (or at least I was) that a seal’s head wasn’t going to pop up as it did a few years ago, albeit that in the morning light. Jo and I howled to the moon, even though she was hidden by cloud, but we wanted to acknowledge her anyhow.

 It was late and I was tired so my Samhain celebrations were short, a bath, a mediation and a tiny bit of magic work. Let’s see, it’s the ancestors really we need to thank for all of this. I only hope our future generations look back at us, ancestors too one day, and feel we are worth celebrating for all we are giving to this world (rather than taking away from it); I’m sure they will, we’re all doing our best aren’t we.

Sunday brought with it a little of the retreat drama about weather and boat sailing times, and while we prepared for a potential earlier sailing, 8 of us (I think) meeting for a 6.30am swim this time, and an earlier class time of 7am, the boat left as planned at 11am, so we had time to take a walk through the new trail and enjoy the wind blowing residual cobwebs away!

Herm is a beautiful place to retreat and I am very grateful to all the lovely souls that have supported our retreating there over the years, and those especially who have facilitated, through running (JP and Debbi), jewellery making (Athene Sholl) and the various treatment ladies who have all made the trip across to give massage, Reiki, Shen and reflexology (but sadly not this year due to the poor weather). 

I am also grateful to all the students who have attended time and time again, some making it a bi-annual, let alone annual trip. However it is time for me to take a break. I’ve loved it, but part of my heart is in Sark right now, and it’s here that we will continue retreating, and freeing up some time and energy for me to focus on other projects during 2021 instead. 

A big thank you to all of you and I hope to see you on Sark during 2021 instead!

Love Emma x

Having a float!

I went for a float on Sunday. I’d been told about float rooms a few years ago from a friend who swore by floating, finding it both extremely relaxing and enlightening, so it’d been on my mind. I’d heard along the grapevine that one had opened on Guernsey but I hadn’t gotten as far as booking in.

Then a pregnant friend mentioned she’d been and knowing we share a mutual love of baths she suggested that I go along and give it a try. So I did! And I have to say it was a really enjoyable, relaxing and, to a certain extent, enlightening experience.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, and was pleasantly surprised to find a very welcoming Dave and a very clean room with a lovely energy, safe and protected from the outside world!

Dave explained the process, how he would leave me on my own in the secure space so I could undress (you can wear a bather if you choose), put in the ear plugs before showering using products provided (faith in nature) and applying Vaseline to any open cuts (as these would sting otherwise!). I was then to ease myself directly from the shower into the float tank, which is little more like a wide and shallow bath, not the tank I had in mind fortunately! It has an emergency button if you need help at any point!

The room was dimply lit and I chose ‘ocean wave’ music to be played gently in the background throughout the session. Dave had warned me that initially some of his friends had experienced a sore neck after floating as they had been unable to fully relax their neck and let their head be held by the extremely high salt content of the tank (dead sea salts from Israel), which enabled the body to float. 

I’m pleased he had warned me of this because I quickly noticed that I was unable to relax my neck, there was something within me stopping me doing it. I tried to talk myself into it, asking my neck to relax but for some reason, it was holding on tight. It made no sense because I could feel that the salt content was holding me afloat, my head was not dropping backwards into the water, but nonetheless my neck was holding on tightly to something that it wouldn’t let go.

 Fortunately there is a plastic pillow of sorts that you can use, to rest the back of your head, so I grabbed this and placed it behind my head. It made a huge difference for me, for some strange reason I was able to relax my neck knowing that there was something contacting the back of my head, even though it was the salt holding this, as it would have held my head too, if my neck had allowed it!

With my neck finally relaxing, I felt as if the whole of me might now relax too, but all of a sudden there was a momentary panic as I questioned what exactly I might now do for the remaining 55 minutes of the session. I might well practice yoga and meditate a couple of times a day, plus practise some yoga nidra a few times each week, but I don’t often (never) lie down for a whole 60 minutes unless I am also reading in bed at the same time. 

I thought maybe I might think about a few things, process some stuff which has been playing on my mind, but amazingly the combination of the salted water and the sensation of lying, let alone the ocean sounds and the dim light meant that I was incapable of holding a stream of thought, and the effort to think became too effortful and with that I drifted into that beautiful liminal space where you are neither here nor there and time passes quickly, too quickly in this case! 

I felt my body move at times, as if I was jolted awake momentarily, perhaps a twitch or a release, and then I drifted back into that restful space where – I believe - healing takes place. It reminded me of Reiki, where you just drift off to this other place and before you know it the session is over.

Lo and behold before too long, the air con kicked in again and a waft of cooler air blew into the room, while the star-studded lights above the tank turned on once more, only gently, but enough for me to know that the session had ended. I scraped the salt off my skin and as much as I could off my hair, as requested by Dave, before stepping out of the tank and back into the shower to shower off once again.

After dressing and removing the ear plugs, I joined Dave in the reception area to pay him and to share my experiences. While he was probably keen for me to leave and let him get on with his day he didn’t show it and was extremely welcoming and giving of his time. I wondered if I might have been better driving, but fortunately the rain held off as I cycled back home, grateful in many respects for the fresh air and opportunity to wake myself a little before the boys joined me that afternoon.

When they did join me I became very aware how much my ears were tested by their noise. My boys are noisy and I do sometimes struggle with this, but I hadn’t realised the extent to which noise generally bothers my ears and how desperate a part of me was for peace and space. I didn’t get it of course, such is the reality of family life, and I felt on edge and aggravated by it to the extent that after dinner, and with my mother in law helping E, I was able to escape to our room where I promptly burst into tears.

I couldn’t stop once I had started, this endless stream of watery release, which I think was the result of something unearthed from my neck during the float. Perhaps it was also the release of something touched in a distance ki massage session with my shadow worker Jo just a few days previous to that, which had taken me to the criss-cross of a few layers beginning to reveal themselves from the shadows, as if this was all timed perfectly, the float facilitating the release.

It continued the next morning too, the tears just coming without any angst or emotion attached to them, just a release. My neck was a little achy and I was curious about this. In my yoga practice I really focused on my neck and I noticed, when I was lying on my mat at the beginning of the session, how I was unintentionally holding on in my neck. I had never noticed it previously because it was obviously my norm, but now I could see how there was just this subtle holding of my head and inability to totally surrender the weight of it to the floor. 

So I settled into that and noticed how my softening and letting go softened my throat and changed my breathing, so it was more relaxed somehow. I couldn’t quite believe how I had allowed that pattern to be there for all these years, this need to somehow protect the vulnerability of the neck and it’s place there between the head and the heart, not able to fully surrender the head and all this emotional holding, a lot of misguided guilt and an inability to allow the heart to flow up and out, to fully express itself in the world.

A few days on and the emotions have settled. It took me completely by surprise and I am grateful to the float for being a conduit for the release that it brought. I’m really keen to return again, they offer a three-session deal, which sounds great, albeit my one session did the trick. I’ve been feeling calmer since, and curious too, to learn more of the tension I’m holding and what underlies that, just as I’m curious to find out what will come of the additional freedom now in my neck!

It’s funny how the releases come in their way, how things can be divinely orchestrated, to an agenda that we’re created and yet has some magical input into it too. I always find this place a little uncomfortable though, the neither here nor there as things settle after any letting go, but I trust that it is for the greater good, that the change will come when the timing is right and that there is a bigger picture to all of this. My advice – go for a float! 

** It’s now six days after the float and a few days since writing that blog post and the whirlwind which it brought with the release has now settled, and I recognise the role it played in helping me to surrender and let go of a limiting belief that has been bothering me since March now. With that much needed clarity after months of not being able to ‘see’ clearly. It’s powerful stuff that floating!

 If you know you have something to release but you don’t know what it is, or you feel stuck in your life, not sure which way to go, lacking clarity and a little confused, then go for a float. If the body is holding on tightly, then go for a float. If you need some time out, some peace and some space to just be, then go for a float. I cannot tell you what an incredible conduit it is for letting go and just being…

Love Emma x

P.S. You’ll need to go look on Facebook, it’s called The Float Room, a friend sent me details, the email is info@thefloatroom.gg