The IVF Journey Part 1 - The Very Beginning
It was one of those moments that will be forever etched in my mind and on my memory, one of those moments when time stands still and life suspends.
Here we were, E and I being told by the specialist that we may not be able to have children of our own.
Not have children of our own.
Not have my own children.
The words went around in my head as I tried to process them.
I had yearned to have my own children for as long as I could remember. It was a lifelong dream. And now here I was, sitting in the specialist’s office in Guernsey, being told that that dream may never become a reality. No part of this dream had come easily to me so perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised; I knew something wasn’t right, but hearing those words, well they’re not really words that you want to hear.
Needless to say the rest of the appointment drifted over me; there was talk of donors and adoption, and of more tests so that there was still some hope. The specialist was relatively upbeat and joked about the advert from one of the main supermarket chains in the UK, saying that we too should embrace the concept of “every little helps” as he patted his bum as they do in the advert. I’ll never forget that, not least because he was trying to be positive, but because it’s true, and it has stuck in my mind ever since.
The moment I reached the car I burst into tears. It wasn’t so much that I was thinking (at that moment) that we really wouldn’t have children of our own, just the reality that it was not going to be like I had imagined. I’m a spiritual being and I had in my mind the conscious spiritual conception with rose petals and gentle music – well ok perhaps not the rose petals, but you know what I mean! Furthermore, I’d been preparing my body for months and months, and yet that was not enough.
It was ironic really because actually it hadn’t just taken months and months, it had taken years and years. That’s years and years of me searching the world to find the man with whom I may want to have children (only to find him right under my nose here in Guernsey) and a few more up and down years with him to get to a point where we both accepted we were ready to settle down and commit, and another year before he finally agreed to the idea of having a child. And now here we were, a further year down the line, being told that we may not be able to have one after all.
If I’m honest I knew that something was amiss. I’m fairly in touch with my body, in fact it was hormonal imbalance and resulting depression that initially got me into yoga and Reiki and which helped me to connect more deeply with my body and with its wisdom. Over the years I have done a lot of work on myself, on all levels really, to try to heal the root cause of the hormonal imbalance and the depression which had plagued me on and off for most of my late teens and twenties.
So I had some understanding of my body and I had worked with a hormone specialist to balance my hormones and more recently with an Ayurvedic doctor to enhance my fertility naturally, so when I didn’t fall pregnant I knew something was wrong, albeit I didn’t know what it was at the time. I was intimately aware of my cycle, of its connection with the moon and the manner in which my mood and energy levels changed throughout the month. I was aware therefore – or so I thought – of when I was ovulating and when we should attempt to conceive.
But sadly it didn’t work and the arrival of my monthly period was a source of great sadness and disappointment, marking yet another month of being that one month further away from fulfilling my dream of being a mother. As one month became three months, became six months, became nine months, well it became soul destroying because you start questioning what you are doing wrong. And the whole time your friends are getting pregnant and you try your best to be happy for them but it just eats you up on the inside and then the fear kicks in so you question whether you’ll ever get pregnant in the end.
It’s poignant really because so many of us women spend some part of our lives trying not to get pregnant so that when you do want to get pregnant, well you assume it will just happen fairly painlessly and when it doesn’t, well it’s a kick in the teeth really. And try as you might to keep the conception as conscious and as special as possible, well truthfully it becomes a bit mechanical, something that you have to do to try and achieve an outcome. Over time it becomes emotionally charged too because you become demanding of your partner, and they feel a pressure to perform. It certainly wasn’t a highlight in our lives, that’s for sure!
So we kept trying for a year, because that is what you are encouraged to do before you seek medical advice, but it felt like an awfully long time and I was desperate for some help. It was June, just before my birthday, when I finally went to see my doctor and as I explained our predicament to her, I burst into tears at the frustration of it all. She was incredibly understanding and wasted no time in getting us into ‘the system’. There were initial tests which both of us had to undertake, to try to gain an initial understanding of what may be amiss and in the interim we were encouraged to chill out and practice!
Sadly, those initial test results indicated that we had a significant problem in our ability to conceive, so we were immediately referred onto the Medical Specialist Group (“MSG”) here in Guernsey. It wasn’t until August, a few months later, when we finally had our first appointment – time takes on a new urgency when you are trying to conceive and the months tick by waiting for appointments! We were assigned to Mr Nzewi, who was new to Guernsey at the time and very passionate about access to fertility treatment, which is not available directly on the Island.
It was at this appointment, as he looked at our results, that he shared the concern that we may never have children of our own. He was very matter of fact about it, because that is what the facts suggested and he mentioned that there may be other options for bringing a child into our life if we were faced with that reality. But that said, there was a chance that the test results were flawed so he sent us off for repeat tests and in the interim, he advised us to do as much as we could to promote our fertility – healthy eating, exercise, less wine, more rest, the stuff we had been consciously trying to do anyway.
So I tried to remain upbeat and fortunately it was the summer so we were kept busy with all that entails. However, all the worry did finally get the better of me – and I know, I know, worrying is a complete waste of energy as it changes nothing, but it can be difficult not to worry sometimes! At the end of August, we joined friends at a house in France for a weekend of birthday celebrations and on that first night, sat out on the lawn in the late afternoon sun, I drank far too much sparkling wine (so much for moderation!) and got very upset and told our friends what was going on, which was almost a relief really, because it gets to you keeping it all bottled up inside.
You see the thing is I have had my fair share of challenges in life – that’s what makes life life – but this was a particularly challenging time for both of us. For me there was an all consuming ache to become a mother and the pressure of the biological clock ticking, and for E, a pressure to help make that a reality. At that point, like quite a lot of other men we know, he could take or leave it, having a child that is, he didn’t have quite the same burning desire as me, he was just following my lead. But for me it was all I could think about.
Needless to say, hangover aside, I felt much better for the release, and in many respects it was good to have the support and understanding of our closest friends who all live off Island and who all have children of their own. They were all really keen for E and I to have children of our own too and were positively jubilant that our relationship had finally made it to that point, and they were all truly positive that one way or another we would make it a reality.
Despite the sadness, and the underlying concern of it all, I too was still doing my best to keep the positivity high. I just had this feeling that this challenge was all part of the process of whatever we both needed to go through, on an individual level and jointly, as part of the big Divine plan. During my whole life, but more so latterly, I had come to recognise that I was being continuously tested in patience, trust and faith, and really this was yet another test in all three. That didn’t necessarily make it any easier, but I did feel supported on a spiritual level at least.
I appreciate that my take on the whole infertility issue may sound a little crazy. But this is how I have come to view life (when I remember!), from an elevated perspective, with the belief and indeed understanding, experience then, that things happen for a reason, that there is no good or bad per se, and that often these challenges are blessings in disguise because they provide you with an opportunity to grow spiritually and to deepen your connection with the Divine. Time and time again I have been reminded that our dreams (if we truly believe in them) can come true in the end, but rarely in the manner in which we intend.
Something was telling me to trust in the process and that was good enough for me! But that is not to say that this trust wasn’t continuously challenged – that is the nature of lessons, they will return again and again until you have recognised the teaching, and trust has always been a big one for me. And when I say trust I don’t mean some airy fairy notion of “putting it out there to the Universe” and sitting back and seeing what happens; I believe it needs greater grounding than this, crystal clear intention and taking action - and indeed some responsibility - when necessary, and trying to let go of the worry, fear and the doubt that can cloud the mind and intuition.
Sadly, the second set of test results we received during the first week of September came back identical to the first. I was expecting this, but it still came as a reality check because it proved that there weren’t any problems with the test data itself per se, it just seemed that we didn’t have what we needed to conceive a baby, simple as that really. Only that it’s never as simple as that, which in this case was a good thing because advances in science mean that there are now options for those of us who are considered infertile and have trouble conceiving.
There was little that Mr Nzewi could do for us other than refer us to a fertility clinic for further tests. At that point he was trying to establish a better working relationship between MSG and Wessex Fertility Clinic in Southampton to make it easier for Guernsey patients to undertake fertility treatment. All fertility care in Guernsey is private so his intention was to try and help to reduce, at the very least, travel costs and inconvenience where possible, in respect of needing to go over to the UK simply for a scan or a blood test as part of that treatment.
Luck was on our side in terms of the timing because we were fortunate to be included in the first handful of patients who received appointments with Wessex on their first trip to MSG so that we didn’t even need to leave the Island for our first consultation. Ironically we were due to be off Island that day so I’m not entirely sure that it was any more cost effective for us, but nonetheless we appreciated the contact in Guernsey and the ease with which this happened for us, albeit not until early October which meant another month of waiting!
The consultant and nurses we saw were just great, both very welcoming, positive and calming. The consultant studied our results, looked at us both and concluded that there was indeed hope, we appeared healthy and looked like we most probably both had what we needed; I guess she must get a feel for this after years of working in the fertility world! She proposed carrying out a procedure the following January which would seal our fate, well our initial fate, one way or another. In the interim we were welcomed into the world of fertility treatment and all that that entails, namely a ton of forms and seemingly endless screening tests.
It was pretty full on but we were delighted that we had a chance, not as we had intended of course, but a chance nonetheless – the motto was most definitely, “trust in the process”. I remember very clearly completing those forms. I was sitting at a table with E and one of the nurses who was guiding us through them and in one of them it asked us whether I would consent to my eggs and embryos (if created) being used for training purposes, and I remember thinking, “wow, this is real”, and “it’s not something I’d usually do, but I’m so desperate to be helped that anything I can do to help others in the future is worth doing, so yes, yes, yes, tick the boxes, yes”.
Then there were questions about what would happen in the event of your death or mental incapacity and what would happen to your eggs and/or embryos, and for E, what would happen to his sperm, and whether you consent to your partner using them, or them being used for training purposes. We briefly discussed our position but to be honest we were so jubilant to even have this chance, to be talking about us having eggs and sperm and embryos and the like that we were happy to sign away on this too, “yes, yes, yes”.
There were also forms to ascertain the welfare of the child, where you had to disclose whether there is any serious violence or discord within your family environment, whether you have any drug or alcohol problems and whether there are any aspects of your life or medical history which may pose a risk of serious harm to any child you might have or anything which may impair your ability to care for such a child. In many respects I considered that perhaps everyone should have to compete one of these forms before conceiving a child, not just those having IVF!
Then there was the concept of a multiple birth. Being 37 at the time it was recommended that we have two embryos implanted at the same time to increase our chances of success. It goes without saying that this would also increase the chances of us having twins and all the risks associated with multiple pregnancy. Still, I don’t remember us giving this too much thought. Again we were happy to go with the advice being given to us and we ticked the box, “yes, yes, yes, bring on the twins!! “
To me that kind of summed up the situation. I never wanted to have fertility treatment – let’s face it who does – but here were Wessex providing some hope and I was willing to do all I could to make that hope a reality. That’s the trouble with hope isn’t it. I know its frowned upon in some spiritual circles as it has no grounding, no certainty, but hope gives life a reason to be lived and that was good enough for me! The fact we were even considering these options before we knew whether it was even possible was uplifting in some way.
So after seeing the clinic, feeling positive, we had to embark on a number of screening tests including Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C and HIV for each of us and Chlamydia, Rubella antibodies and Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) for just me. As you can appreciate this all gets rather expensive and rather time consuming fitting in all the appointments. Not only that, but having an HIV test for the first time, for example, is quite full on really so there is some anticipation that comes with these additional screening tests, and some of these, the HIV for example, needing to be repeated annually.
Still it was all part of the process and with all the tests and the paperwork we were given to read we were soon well and truly in the IVF zone and we now had a few months to prepare ourselves physically and – just as importantly – mentally and emotionally for what lay ahead. We were given an information sheet with pre-conceptual diet and lifestyle tips which included the following:
Weight - Ideally you should be as close as possible to the recommended weight for your height when trying for a baby. Apparently being underweight or overweight can reduce your chances of conceiving.
Food - Studies have shown that foods and fertility are linked in both men and women. For that reason you are encouraged to improve your diet three months to a year before conception. The Food Standards Agency recommends eating a variety of foods while trying to conceive including:
· Fruit and vegetables – aim for at least five portions a day.
· Carbohydrate foods such as wholegrain rice and bread.
· Protein such as lean meat and chicken, fish, eggs and pulses.
· Fish – at least twice a week, including some oily fish, but not more than two portions of oily fish a week.
· Dairy foods such as milk, cheese and yoghurt.
· Iron-rich foods such as red meat, pulses, dried fruit, bread, green vegetables and fortified breakfast cereals, to help build up your resources of iron in preparation for pregnancy.
Supplements – Folic acid - this B vitamin has been linked to a lower rate of heart attacks, strokes, cancer and diabetes. It also reduces a baby’s risk of being born with defects to the spinal chord such as spina bifida. Make sure that the supplement you use does not contain Vitamin A or fish liver oil. In addition, it is good to eat folate-rich foods such as dark green leafy vegetables, citrus fruits, nuts, wholegrains, brown rice, fortified breads and cereals.
For women a supplement for pregnancy before you conceive. For me, a vitamin preparation containing Selenium Coenzyme Q whilst zinc may be beneficial for sperm health and production.
Alcohol - In terms of alcohol the advice at that time was to drink no more than one or two units of alcohol once or twice a week.
Caffeine - Evidently there is no consistent evidence to link caffeinated drinks to fertility problems however studies have shown that having more than 200mg of caffeine per day may be linked to miscarriage and low birth weight.
To avoid - The Foods Standards Agency also recommends that women who are trying to conceive should also avoid the following:
· Too much Vitamin A – you need some Vitamin A but too much during pregnancy could harm the baby;
· Fish containing mercury – high levels of mercury can harm an unborn baby’s developing nervous system.
· Smoking – cigarette smoke contains harmful substances to eggs, sperm and developing embryos.
Excessive stress – this impacts the way the body functions. Prolonged periods of pre-conceptual stress should try to be avoided to help conception and improve fertility. A hectic, busy lifestyle with little time for relaxation, attention to diet or socialising – a less busy schedule generally promotes more happiness and a greater sense of wellbeing leading to improved pre-conceptual health.
To be honest we were already eating a healthy and balanced diet and we had made a conscious effort to reduce our alcohol intake. If anything my major issue was stress and a hectic lifestyle. Ironic really because as a yoga teacher and Reiki practitioner, you’d expect me to have a grip on this, but I am so passionate about yoga and Reiki that I have always kept myself very busy sharing my love of both with others where I can, while also keeping up with the office day job, albeit part-time.
It was at this point that I read Zita West’s marvellous book, “Fertility and Conception” that I recommend to anyone interested in increasing their chances of conceiving whether naturally or with intervention. It really is a fabulous book with lots of useful tips. And silly as it sounds coming from a yoga teacher, but it was reading this book that encouraged me to re-prioritise my time and incorporate daily meditation and Yoga Nidra into my hectic schedule.
I am absolutely certain that it was these practices that helped me to maintain my sanity during this time and keep myself focused and my spirits high. I began to look forward to my daily sitting, just twenty minutes if I could, but this was more than enough to feel that it made a positive difference; I just felt clearer and calmer too, there is no doubt that my mind was stronger as a result of this, and I felt more level-headed, focused and less emotional somehow.
As for Yoga Nidra, well I have always been a huge fan of this but the IVF made me dig deeper into the practice and I would encourage anyone else with fertility issues to tap into this as I have no doubt that this helped me enormously. Essentially Yoga Nidra is a powerful meditation technique inducing complete physical, emotional and mental relaxation. During Yoga Nidra one appears to be asleep but the consciousness is functioning at a deeper level of awareness so that you are prompted throughout the practice to say to yourself mentally, “I shall not sleep, I shall remain awake”.
Before beginning Yoga Nidra you make a Sankalpa, or a resolution for the practice. The Sankalpa is an important stage of Yoga Nidra as it plants a seed in the mind encouraging healing and transformation in a positive direction. In practical terms, a Sankalpa is a declarative statement, resolution or intention in which you vow to commit to fulfil a specific goal, in this instance to become pregnant with a healthy baby – “I am pregnant with a healthy baby”.
Sankalpa or resolution holds a special and highly esteemed place in the ancient teachings. The concept of Sankalpa appears even as early as the Rig Veda, the most ancient of all the Vedic texts. The ancient concept of Sankalpa is based on the principle that your mind has measureless capacity to effect the quality and content of your life. As the Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think you become”. That said, it is also important that you feel how it would feel to achieve your Sankalpa so there is some felt-sense, some sensation then, related to it.
Furthermore, a Sankalpa provides you with an opportunity to notice any resistance that may be holding you back in creating/manifesting what you dream in your life. For example, if you are struggling to conceive and there is no recognised medical reason for this, working with Yoga Nidra may help you to realise any unconscious resistance you may have to getting pregnant or becoming a mother. You may not initially recognise this consciously, but over time, the unconscious element of this will become conscious (bring it out of the shadows) so that you are able to recognise it, if you see what I mean.
It is very powerful indeed and I cannot recommend this enough for anyone wishing to conceive. Not least working with a Sankalpa, but also just taking the time out for self-care and to rest – this in itself presents many physiological benefits such as lowering of the heart rate and blood pressure, the release of lactate from the muscles that can cause anxiety and fatigue, a more restful night’s sleep and, ultimately, a calming and unwinding of the nervous system, which is basically the foundation of the body’s wellbeing. So you see our physical health and sense of wellbeing can improve too, which can only help to support the fertility process.
Needless to say all of this certainly helped me to drop even deeper into my spiritual practice. I already had a daily mat-based yoga practice, but I carved out more time to make this an absolute priority prior to the meditation and Yoga Nidra. For me daily silence is essential too and I’m fortunate in that I have the space to achieve this at home. So each day I would take to my mat; sometimes I needed to move my body and practice actively and other times I needed to practice more gently, quietly or restoratively.
But what became very important to me during this time was prayer. Now I’m not religious but as I’ve mentioned I am spiritual, and for me prayer has always been a way to connect more deeply with the Divine and with the angels, and now here, I found it essential to my grounding and wellbeing to commune daily with these aspects of being and self. It made a huge difference to me to align on this level and feel even more supported by the Universe, (however you define that), and therefore deepen my trust and indeed faith in the process and wherever it was leading us.
There were other things that I tapped into including She Oak, which is one of the Australian Bush Flower Essences that is very beneficial in overcoming imbalances and bringing about a sense of wellbeing in females. It is said to benefit women who feel distressed about infertility and it helps therefore to remove personal blocks that prevent conception. For me this was essential, doing what I could to ensure that I was ready and receptive on all levels, making sure that I had addressed all aspects of my being, not simply the physical, but the mental, emotional and spiritual too.
I also started Acupuncture. I had heard that while there is no scientific evidence to support the link, there does appear to be some correlation between acupuncture and successful IVF. If nothing else it enabled me to take time out of my schedule to lie down and chill out, although I did notice a positive uplift in my energy levels after each session. I complimented this a little with Reiki, massage and reflexology, fortunate as I was to be able to swap this for yoga and Reiki with friends.
Treatments and spiritual practice aside, life carried on much as usual the rest of that Autumn. I kept myself busy with a combination of my existing yoga teaching and Reiki channelling schedule, and the office job. At that time the company I worked for was being sold to a larger company in the UK and as company secretary this meant many more hours in the office than usual – a welcome distraction from our fertility issues and helped me to earn extra money to be able to pay for the treatment (more on that later!).
Before too long it was Christmas and we decided to make the most of this as we were quite certain – positivity and all – that this would be our last Christmas just the two of us. We decided that we would enjoy ourselves and have lots of fun. We even took ourselves away for a night of partying in London, to kind of get it out of our system, knowing that from 1 January it was absolutely all about IVF and conceiving and we were feeling really focused in that 2013 would be our year. It was just a waiting game really until the next round of tests in late January.
We don't need no education - at least not as we know it!
“We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the class room
Teachers leave those kids alone
(yells) Hey, teachers! Leave those kids alone!
All in all, it's just a
Nother brick in the wall”
(Pink Floyd)
It’s been a challenging autumn thus far; it was perhaps inevitable really as the change in season from Summer to Autumn has brought with it some pretty intense moon cycles. Not only that but Autumn always brings with it new beginnings, which affects so many of us as our routines change to accommodate the new school and University terms. I don’t know about you but there is a smell in the air in early September that still catches me from time to time and reminds me of that feeling of getting ready to go back to school again.
For many years I also used to get this in late September too with the arrival of the University term and it used to throw me a bit. School I loved but University was a little more challenging for me as I used to get really homesick and would miss my family and friends and our life on Guernsey. For a few years afterwards, I’d smell that smell and find myself feeling a little anxious – it was a relief when I got over this and the smell of Autumn meant nothing more than exactly that – a change in season, all negative associations gone.
This September was an interesting one for us as Elijah was booked to begin pre-school, which would not only bring with it a change in routine for all of us, but would herald the beginning of integration into the main stream conforming world of education and all that entails. I can’t say I have ever been comfortable with the idea of him going to pre-school, not only does he still seem so little but he has lots of fun in his existing daily schedule and I wasn’t convinced that pre-school was going to add any value to his current life experiences, at least not in a positive way.
Needless to say I held off for as long as I could (he will be turning 3 in November) but I was very aware that most of the toddlers we have mixed with through baby yoga and playgroup etc. were either already in pre-school or due to start this September too. It’s been a popular subject for a while now, most conversations with other mothers involve a question about pre-school so you could say that I felt some societal pressure to ensure he was signed up for one before all spaces got filled. It’s been a huge lesson in that actually, the doing things just because others expect it of you and tell you it’s the right thing to do even though your innate wisdom as a mother tells you otherwise. Bad Emma, I should know better!
So we signed Elijah up at a lovely pre-school recommended to us, and with a heavy heart we awaited D-day and the new chapter in all our lives. We weren’t the only ones with heavy hearts though and while some of these heavy hearts were also to do with pre-school, I have a work colleague and some friends who were also experiencing heavy hearts on account of their children heading off to University for the first time, right at the other end of the educational system.
We laughed about the different experiences us mother’s experience (this separation and togetherness is complex indeed) what with toddlers not wanting you to leave them at pre-school and clinging on for dear life, and on the other side, University students desperate for you to leave them so that they can get on with their new lives apart from you as you try to cling on to them instead! I remember this only too well from my own experience as my own family had to adjust to life without me back in the day.
My poor Mum was bereft and even the cat was sad on account of the fact (or so the vet said) that I had died as my Mum stripped my bed and did all my washing immediately I left, so there was no smell of me left for the cat to expect me to return – it was a lesson learned quickly, thereafter my bedding remained unwashed every time I returned to Uni until the morning of my return! My brother was thrown amiss too by the changes, he’d lost not only his partner in crime but also his driver and was stuck surfing at Vazon unless he could get a list to the other surfing breaks with my parents!
D-day finally arrived, Elijah’s new Tractor Ted rucksack was packed and the obligatory photo was taken before we all piled into the car and journeyed to the Pre-School together. Even now thinking back makes me feel a little uncomfortable because I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. There was my poor innocent little boy sitting in the back of the car completely unaware of what lay ahead of him while we tried to keep things jovial but were consumed by a sense of trepidation in the background. The truth is we hadn’t really considered the enormous change about to take place.
Now we are absolutely not fans of parenting labels, we have never read a parenting book between us and certainly haven’t done any research on the supposed long term effects of various approaches, we’ve simply done what has felt right for us all, as a family, and checked into our innate wisdom along the way. This is not to say that I am not aware that parenting styles exist – you have only to google, “how can I get my toddler to sleep?” to be bombarded with a variety of viewpoints on the best way to achieve this depending upon parenting approach, but we have never followed any of them for the sake of following any one them – the fact he still doesn’t sleep is probably proof of that!
But that aside, if I was forced to define our parenting approach, I guess you could say it is gentle and slightly along the attachment parenting lines, but unintentionally so! This means that in practice we have fairly much co-slept from day one with no sleep training (any attempt to get him in his bed for the whole night fails miserably, he always ends up in ours at some point during the evening), extended breast-feeding until he was 2 (and the only reason I stopped was due to IVF treatment), lots of carrying (the pushchair has sat fairly empty this whole time) and lots of one –to-one attention simply because our schedules and extended family allow this.
We are lucky in this regard, we have flexible jobs so that we can manage childcare with more ease than most, and more importantly we have free childcare courtesy of my parents who are fortunate to have a small holding and lots of outdoor space so Elijah gets to do a lot of outdoor play – not only that but all three grandparents are ex-teachers so there is a degree of learning that comes from them simply because that’s how they’ve lived their lives; educating!
Thus Elijah has never been left with anyone other than me, E, my parents or E’s Mum. No one has ever put him to bed other than one of the 5 of us. This is not unusual as such, just that expecting him to just fit into an alien environment with children and adults he doesn’t know was a little, hmm, naïve of us I guess. In fact, it was plain right stupid and I gave myself a bit of a hard time about it for a while, although I appreciate that everything happens for a reason now that we’re coming through the other side of it!
That first morning Elijah ran straight into the pre-school distracted by all the toys as we said our goodbyes and left him to it figuring that we’d gotten away with it all very lightly as other children were dropped off crying. However, when we came to pick him up 3 hours later he was very upset, in shock if anything actually. Let me just make the point that this was not the fault of the pre-school, they were great and were doing all they could to ease the situation, there is a recognised settling in period and I hold my hat off to the staff for trying to manage this.
He sat sobbing in his car seat all the way back to my parent’s house clinging onto my bra straps as I sat beside him cuddling him as best I could with him sitting in his car seat. The bra strap thing started when he was breastfeeding, its like his comfort blanket and I always know he is out of sorts when he starts reaching for them! He carried on this way for a little while longer back at my parents’ house before he eventually bounced back to his normal self thankfully.
During that first session he had stubbed his toe on account of not wearing his shoes outside. We live in a shoe-free house and he is not a fan of shoes at the best of times and has spent most of the summer barefoot, we’re all totally comfortable with this as it is better for his physical development (or so we feel), and its up to him essentially, it’s his body wisdom. He also doesn’t like to wear jumpers unless absolutely essential as he is rather warm blooded and we all honour this.
Still, I realised as we picked him up that second day crying again and wearing his shoes and jumper that here he was beginning societal conditioning before he’s even reached the age of 3. I totally understand the pre-school’s need to do this as they have health and safety regulations they need to follow, but I guess perhaps it just served as a reminder of the world we live in, not only from a health and safety perspective, but in terms of how, from such a young age, we have our own innate wisdom knocked out of us because we are told that to be a fully functioning member of society we absolutely must do certain things – like wear shoes and jumpers when we go outside to play.
The next week he was rather sombre in the morning and it was an effort to get him to eat anything. He complained that he missed Mummy and didn’t want to go to school, and he started to get tearful in the car on the way to the pre-school. At the pre-school itself he got very upset and I felt sorry for the poor ladies trying to comfort him (and the other children) as he would take one look at them and howl into my chest. To say it was heart-breaking leaving him is an understatement and I know I was not alone – there were other mothers looking equally upset in the carpark.
The pre-school staff were kind enough to send me texts each morning, although sadly on this third session it seemed he was struggling to settle, albeit that they didn’t think it warranted my early collection of him, there were just tears on and off all morning. Suffice it to say he was upset when I collected him and I felt dreadful because something just wasn’t feeling right about all this regardless of the fact all the other mother’s I talked to about it said it was normal and you just have to go with it, it can take weeks to settle them in apparently.
The trouble was, he was worse the following session, the tears started upon waking and he cried his way to the pre-school and howled on entering to the extent that I actually wondered if I should take him back home with me. The ladies were busy comforting other children and as lovely as they are and as much as they tried to make it easier for me to leave him, it just felt so counter intuitive to leave him distressed and howling with – essentially – a complete stranger while I returned home to an empty house and my parents sat around awaiting for his return at lunchtime.
As I’ve tried to stress, none of this was the fault of the pre-school, absolutely none. It is a popular and happy place, only that my son was not enjoying it. He was crying when I collected him and while one of the ladies had been kind enough to show me a photo she had taken of Elijah playing on his own and not crying, this almost made me feel worse because he was on his own and he can be on his own at home – one of the reasons I felt pressured to put him to pre-school was to encourage the social interaction which everyone tells me is so essential to his development.
The fact he was not thriving with the new arrangements, however, became apparent over the weekend. The mere mention of the word ‘school’ set his bottom lip trembling and the tears would quickly follow as he told me and my parents (E was away) that he didn’t want to go to school. He started grinding his teeth which he had never done previously. He also became ridiculously clingy and was very restless at night, difficult to settle and insistent on sleeping with me but requiring “big cuddles” on an hourly basis. He wasn’t even sure about being left with his grandparents, simply because he needed the extra reassurance that I would return for him.
It was a little traumatic for all of us to witness the change in him like this, he was usually such a happy go lucky and cheeky little monkey and now all of sudden he was anxious and clingy, and a little sad really. I guess in his eyes we’d abandoned him and he really didn’t understand the reason for this. We had hoped that by putting him into pre-school he would thrive but he seemed to be wilting instead and while, yes, it was early days, there was something telling me that this was not right.
So I spent that weekend doing lots of online research on pre-schools and schooling generally and my parents and I discussed the matter at length. As previously mentioned, my parents are both ex-teachers, my Dad having headed up a local Guernsey primary school before he left education to pursue an alterative – and less exhausting – career. He remains very passionate about education, and had come across an article on “unschooling” which even he had found interesting and did make him question his perspective on education, especially now witnessing the effect of pre-school on Elijah.
I have to say that I found the article on unschooling very interesting too as it gave me a name for something that has been on my mind for a while now. While I have looked into home schooling and joined on occasion the local home schooling community, there is something about this that doesn’t resonate quite so much with me. It has been explained that all unschooling is home schooling but not all home schooling is unschooling because while home schooler children follow a structured curriculum, unschoolers have almost total autonomy over their days.
But what does this mean in practice? Well Earl Stevens, whose children are “unschooled”, writes the following: “Our son has never had an academic lesson, has never been told to read or to learn mathematics, science, or history. Nobody has told him about phonics. He has never taken a test or been asked to study or memorize anything. When people ask, "What do you do?" My answer is that we follow our interests - and our interests inevitably lead to science, literature, history, mathematics, music - all the things that have interested people before anybody thought of them as "subjects".
A large component of unschooling is grounded in doing real things, not because we hope they will be good for us, but because they are intrinsically fascinating. There is an energy that comes from this that you can't buy with a curriculum. Children do real things all day long, and in a trusting and supportive home environment, "doing real things" invariably brings about healthy mental development and valuable knowledge. It is natural for children to read, write, play with numbers, learn about society, find out about the past, think, wonder and do all those things that society so unsuccessfully attempts to force upon them in the context of schooling.”
I have to say that I recognise some truth in this. We too follow our interests, me with yoga, E with gardening and Elijah with tractors and together we learn. I have learned so much from E about nature since I met him and have developed a complete love of being outdoors at every opportunity, I can even name a few trees! From me he has developed a love of sea swimming and even learnt stuff about yoga, crystals, healing and angels (whether he’s wanted to or not!)! From Elijah we have learned an enormous amount about tractors and diggers and farming; where once a tractor was a tractor, now it’s a Massey Ferguson or a New Holland and we know about telehandlers and combines let alone about harvesting the maize and what happens on farms!
With my parents Elijah learns a lot about growing and working outside, my Mum cooks and paints with him and reads to him, my Dad plays with him at length, both lost in the moment of their imaginary world, making incredible train tracks that stretch through the living room and beyond, and spending hours on their electric/petrol fuelled tractors out on the land. This summer we’ve spent hours on the beach playing and collecting shells, and also identifying the type of sand we need to make the optimum sandcastle, let alone the rather impressive tractors that my Dad now specialises in.
With his grandma he sings and sits plonking at the piano, they spend time watering all her hundreds of potted plants in the garden and they go to the Model Yacht Pond and identify the boats – he knows them better than I do! They go out on the bus and into town. When out with Daddy and Grandma together there are regular visits to garden centres and to the parks, let alone shopping and going to the Bank and all that stuff that teaches them a little about how life works.
I absolutely know we are not alone, that is not my reason for sharing, more so just to explain that for us, we love doing and experiencing things, whether that be on Guernsey or on our travels off Island. This way of living has provided me with an opportunity to witness how much children learn from just being – from playing essentially, not only on their own but with others, albeit that those persons are older than them! In many respects why would Elijah want to go to pre-school when he has his grandparent’s undivided attention and gets to do so much playing whether that be on their land, in the house or on the beach.
Of course the unschooling approach is not for everyone, and I’m not saying we’ll be doing this, more so that I can understand the reason that parents decide to offer this style of “education” to their children. It does massively go against the grain though, especially as we are so conditioned to believe that education has to be a certain way. The truth is there are many different ways to educate children, it really should depend on the individual and what works best for them.
I am fascinated by the Finnish education system for example. For the past decade Finland has consistently performed among the top Nation’s on the programme for International Student Assessment (PISA), a standardised test given to 15-16 year olds in 65 nations and territories around the world. Yet here their education system is very different to ours in the UK. The children do not start school until 7, and can attend voluntary play-based kindergartens prior to this where all they do, quite simply, is play. The idea is that children learn far more from play than being forced to learn in the more traditional sense, and by the age of 7 they are said to be like sponges, absolutely thirsty to learn.
Furthermore, there are no school inspectors or league tables, no examinations for any child under the age of 16, there is no private tuition industry and charging school fees is illegal. Teachers are all educated to master’s level and have autonomy, they are called by their first name and there are no school uniforms. There is no homework either, children are encouraged to get outside and play.
Not only that but I like the whole “equality” ethos behind the system where they support everyone and don’t waste anyone’s skills. Regardless of a person’s gender, background or social welfare status, everyone is given an equal chance to make the most of their schools. They really believe that for young people cooking, creative pursuits and sports are really important. They teach the meaning of life and community skills so that they recognise their role in the greater whole.
Essentially therefore, the Finnish have created a school system based on the concept that we are all one, that we all have a gift, a strength, a thing (whatever it may be) to offer to the world however different that may be, and they do their best to help children tap into this so that the whole community and indeed society can benefit – let alone helping to empower that individual and provide a way for them to express themselves, regardless of whether this is academic or non-academic.
This is at odds with our own education system here in the UK, which has a strong focus on testing and academic results. Now please don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that this works for many – it worked for me for example, but there are lots of children who suffer as a result of this approach to educating, my brother being one such case. While I thrived with my Grammar School education and absolutely loved studying (I know, crazy), my brother “failed” his 11+ (despite having a higher IQ than me, but he had to contend with dyslexia) and has considered himself a bit of a failure academically ever since then.
The truth is his education at Les Beaucamps was far better than mine at the Grammar School in many respects. I may have been able to pass exams, but I certainly couldn’t retain the knowledge and I left school with very few life skills - I went to University unable to cook and therefore feed myself, I had no idea how to work a washing machine and clean my clothes, I didn’t know how to change a light bulb or sort out bills, I had no idea how to budget or to manage my money, I couldn’t sew a button let alone darn a sock, it was a miracle really that I made it through those three years, it was certainly a massive shock for me.
My brother on the other hand had been better prepared. He knew how to cook for a start and has been good at it ever since. He also knew how to exist outside the academic bubble – to this day my best friend’s husband still jokes about the bubble I live in, because I missed out on so much life experience in my earlier years due to spending so many hours sitting in my room or a library studying – and was far more sociable and well rounded in his general knowledge, the fact he had a general knowledge was a step up from me!
Now you could argue that my parents should have better prepared me for the big wide world and perhaps they should have done, but I truly believe that school should have been doing this too. I’m not convinced there’s much advantage to answering questions and writing essays on Chaucer’s “The Knight’s Tale” (I know, I’m sorry all your English literature lovers) when I couldn’t even feed myself at University. And yes, I’m sure there must be some merit to learning how to make a pink fluffy seal in my first year of home economics, but the fact I can’t really sew a button indicates that perhaps we should have been focusing on the basic – and indeed important – stuff before trying our hand at something as, hmm, well, as interesting a seal then!
Actually the list goes on, because I’m not convinced that Algebra has ever really helped me in the real world, and to be honest it never helped me in school either, apart from making me feel very inadequate because I didn’t understand it or have any interest in studying it. Geography on the other hand, well that was a different matter, it was relevant to real life, it taught me about people and places and was very much alive, that’s probably the reason I went on to study it at University and have spent quite a lot of my adult life travelling and embracing different ways of life and culture.
But history and learning about the Peel government, yawn, yawn, yawn, and as for physics, well that was an utter turn off. The funny thing is I now spend quite a lot of my life working with energy so I have developed a keen interest in physics, well at least from a metaphysical perspective, and am quite sure that if I studied it now – and with relevance to the energy work particularly –I would be thoroughly engaged.
And that really is the ethos behind the unschooling. The fact that you learn what you’re interested in when you’re ready to learn it rather than being forced to learn something just because someone has decided that that’s the curriculum. I recall an incident in chemistry that I shall never forget that supports a little this theory – I absolutely loathed chemistry too at school, I was useless at it to be honest, but there was one time that my brother and I got our hands on one of those home chemistry sets and we got really into it, learning through playing with it.
We happened to be studying a similar thing in class and all of a sudden I was far more engaged than I’d ever been previously and for the first time ever I put my hand up to answer a question – and I got it right. The teacher was understandably surprised and that term I got a D2 for chemistry which made me laugh because I usually got a D4 (I only ever got Ds in chemistry, even physics I managed a C!) and it made me chuckle because while I was still useless at the subject, at least that term I started to put in a bit more effort, simply because I had the freedom to learn from my own mistakes as I played around with a chemistry set at home.
I think that the word “freedom” is the bit that stands out for me in terms of education – and indeed how I like to live my life generally, perhaps it’s a yogic thing! And I like very much what Ben Hewitt writes about this when explaining the price his children pay to be unschooled “...perhaps the best answer I can give to the question of what price my children might pay is in the form of another question: What price do school-going children pay for their confinement? The physical toll is easy enough to quantify. Diabetes rates among school-age children are sky-high, and the percentage of 6-to-11-year-olds who qualify as obese has nearly tripled since 1980. And what do children do in school? Exactly. They sit.”,
But, in truth, what I most want for my boys can’t be charted or graphed. It can’t be measured, at least not by common metrics. There is no standardized test that will tell me if it has been achieved, and there is no specific curriculum that will lead to its realization.
This is what I want for my sons: freedom. Not just physical freedom, but intellectual and emotional freedom from the formulaic learning that prevails in our schools. I want for them the freedom to immerse themselves in the fields and forest that surround our home, to wander aimlessly or with purpose.
I want for them the freedom to develop at whatever pace is etched into their DNA, not the pace dictated by an institution looking to meet the benchmarks that will in part determine its funding. I want them to be free to love learning for its own sake, the way that all children love learning for its own sake when it is not forced on them or attached to reward. I want them to remain free of social pressures to look, act, or think any way but that which feels most natural to them. I want for them the freedom to be children. And no one can teach them how to do that.”
Too often in life I can’t help thinking that we are forced to be and to live a way that isn’t natural to us, that doesn’t bring out the best in us. I know first hand how this can be detrimental to our long term health and wellbeing, I suffered with depression for years until I finally managed to align my life a little closer with my inner truth and live in a way that felt more harmonious to my heart and soul. I know that sounds awfully flaky to some, but there is a lot of truth in how we have been conditioned by our upbringing based on someone else’s concept of what they deemed right/wrong for us and how this later may negatively impact on the choices we make in our lives and how this then impacts on our general health and wellbeing.
For many economic success has been the motivator for life choices from pre-school through to University and onwards into careers whether those careers suit or not. I know an awful number of people who studied hard to get the good career to earn the good money, but who are essentially very unhappy. For many they have to work long hours to sustain their “success” and miss out on seeing their children growing up, or having any connection to themselves, to nature and/or the wider world we live in and compromise their health and wellbeing in the process.
It is only when something goes wrong be that with their health, their relationships or perhaps the blessing of redundancy, that they “wake up” and consider that there may be another way of living and that economic success is not always the path to inner peace and happiness. While this may be hard to come to terms with initially, it is often the point where people suddenly find this renewed energy for life and their lives take on an entirely different direction that they may not have considered possible previously – some even start living the dreams that they gave up on years previously.
Still it takes all sorts and I appreciate that we all have different motivating factors for the choices we make in life. For some they absolutely thrive in pre-school and the current UK/Guernsey educational system while for others there is an awful amount of struggling and unhappiness that comes with it. It is not for me to judge anyone else’s choices just as it is not for anyone else to judge our choice, we all make decisions based on what we believe works best for our individual children and for us as parents and families too.
I truly believe that there will be shifts in how we educate our children as more and more people begin to realise that there are options and that the current system is not working for everyone. In Guernsey we are certainly being forced to address this as we battle on with the 11+ issue. For us, for now at least, we are happy with the decision we have made to take Elijah out of pre-school and we’ll see where this takes us in the future, as long as he’s happy then that’s all that matters really.
References
Earl Stevens http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/earl_stevens.html
Ben Hewitt (http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/why-you-should-take-your-kids-out-of-school/)
Photography - courtesy of Rosemary Després
Jill's recipe for aubergine chutney
Ingredients
2 teaspoons pickling spice
2 lb aubergines -unpeeled and cut into thin slices
12ozs onion - finely chopped
1lb cooking apples (after peeling and coring) - chopped
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 pint vinegar
1 1/4 lb brown sugar
1. Tie the spices into a muslin bag.
2. Put all ingredients except the sugar into a pan and simmer until really tender.
3. Remove the spices and stir in the sugar. Boil until thick (I don't like mine too dry, so stop whilst there is still some liquid), stirring often.
4. Spoon into hot jars, seal and store.
Moon Cycles and Menstrual Cycles: Welcoming Womb Wisdom
So ladies, do you know where are we in the moon cycle? How about your own cycle? Perhaps some of you are pregnant or menopausal and don’t consider that you have a cycle. Well my lovely lady friend, regardless of your stage of womanhood you’ll have a cycle of sorts and you may well have recognised this yourself. You may also have recognised a connection between your cycle and the moon cycle because it’s the moon cycle that so powerfully affects how us women feel.
Since the beginning of time people have been influenced by the moon and its phases – everyone is “moon touched” although some more than others. The moon can influence our energies in a powerful way and I am sure that we all have some experience of this. For our ancestor’s moon watching was a part of life as it helped to light the skies and guide hunters, warriors and travellers safely through the dark and back to their tribes.
Furthermore, as our ancestors looked to the heavens, they saw how the moon waxed and waned, how night turned into day, spring into summer, and summer into winter. They saw the seas ebb and flow; plants bring forth grain and life burst forth from the womb. Everything in nature seemed to move in harmony with the phases of the moon, including women’s menstrual cycles and pregnancy.
The wise women before us were totally in synch with the moon. They were fertile when the moon was fertile and they rested when the moon rested. Today we are often totally out of synch with the moon’s cycles – many of us have little idea of where we are within our own cycle, let alone where we are with the moon cycle and whether there is any correlation between the two – you may be an exception to that of course!
Each phase of the moon brings with it its own significance:
The new moon – this is when the moon is directly between the Earth and the Sun and is therefore hidden from view and provides no light. This can be a great time for starting new projects, planting seeds and setting out intentions for the moon cycle.
Waxing half moon – when the moon is waxing it is getting bigger in the sky, moving from the new moon to the full moon. The energy is building so this is a good time to take steps towards establishing and realising plans and intentions, trying new and challenging ventures, meeting new people and being proactive. This is also the time to get out there and walk in wild places, connect with the birds, animals and signs that nature puts in your path.
Full moon – this is when the moon is full and forms a perfect sphere and is present in all her magnificent Divine glory. The day and the night of the full moon is a time when the energy is most powerful. This is a time of great fertility and increased psychic awareness. It is a wonderful time to celebrate the moon and her seasonal gifts by outdoor evening meditation and enjoying drumming, fires, gazing at the moon and singing and dancing with friends.
Waning full moon – the waning moon is decreasing in size, moving from the full moon towards the new moon. As the energies of the moon become less, so it becomes a good time to think of letting go, banishing those things from our life that we no longer need, those things that hold us back such as bad habits or bad addictions. This is the time to do less and reflect more, contemplation, meditate, listen to music and tend to the seeds that you have planted.
Dark moon – this period arises just before the new moon. It is often a time to take the pressure off, give into the low energy that you may experience, it is a great time to reflect on where you want to go next in preparation for the new moon. So give yourself a break and enjoy sitting outdoors, retreating from the world a little, pampering yourself and allowing the quiet into your life.
Our lives are often so busy that we don’t notice the subtle and indeed not so subtle cyclical changes of the seasons and the moon cycle. Even those of us living by the sea often have no idea of the tides and whether they are high or low. Furthermore, we miss the signs from nature that it is time to let go and move on to another stage of being in our lives whether that be month to month or year to year. We also miss the signs and messages that come to us through our feminine cycles, which potentially serve as a guide in how we may positively and creatively live our lives.
Our menstrual cycle is deeply spiritual and incredibly powerful. It is a cycle that moves girl to woman, through to mother, through to wise woman and on to crone. It’s the way in which we connect with our innate feminine wisdom – the wisdom of our grandmothers and great grandmothers and all the wise women that have lived before us – and it is available to us all the time. This wisdom is held in our womb, and is better known as our intuition, our knowing, our power and shows up throughout our cycle. We’re amazing us ladies, just as men are amazing in their own masculine, “gut’ instinct way.
However often women have the added complication of the effect of medicating with synthetic hormones which further removes them from the ability to truly connect with their inner wisdom. When the blood arrives so many try to do what they can not to have to acknowledge it, using tampons and trying to carry on life as normal. No allowance is given to the need to slow things down, retreat and let the blood flow of its own accord down to earth, allowing the downward movement of the energy of menstruation. It’s perhaps not surprising that so many women end up with dis-ease in this area of the body and suffer with menstrual issues, fertility issues, depression, anxiety, paranoia, stress and exhaustion.
Furthermore, should any pain be experienced - which is our body’s way of trying to communicate with us - then there’s a tendency to self-medicate with pain killers, alcohol, or recreational drugs and disregard the messages that the body is trying to convey, the fact it is even trying to get attention in the first place. I know, I used to do this myself. That’s the reason I ended up with PMS and other menstrual issues. I wasn’t listening. I was trying to negate all emotions, all feelings and live consistently. But really we want to feel. This is what makes us women, whole and real. And we should make no apologies for this.
Sadly, however, we don’t realise – or even recognise, let alone respect – our power, the power that comes from listening in deeply to our heart, body and womb and noticing our shifting energy both during our monthly cycle and beyond into menopause. Furthermore, we don’t recognise that our bodies are also deeply in tune (or have the potential to be deeply in tune) with the cycles of the seasons, the elements, and the moon. And that essentially our cycles reveal all we need to know to live our life to a full and happy potential, in touch with our soul.
The phases of our cycle are like the phases of the moon and of nature, there are correlations:
The waxing moon, spring and pre-ovulation. This is the first phase of the cycle and usually begins around day seven all the way through to day thirteen. Every lady is different but around day seven you will start to come out of your winter retreat as increasing oestrogen levels boost your brain’s serotonin levels and you should experience an increase in energy and excitement about life! You’ll feel much more yourself and want to engage with the world again. In fact, this stage of the cycle makes you more verbally articulate, creative, fearless, confident and full of self-belief. This is the time to party, to dance, to give presentations, to be active and to make things happen.
The full moon, summer and ovulation. This is the second phase of the cycle, the time you are most likely to get pregnant as one of your two ovaries releases an egg (well in theory anyway). This is the second phase of the cycle and generally begins around day thirteen all the way through to day twenty-one. You’ll likely to be feeling pretty good about yourself and will be doing all you can to attract a lover into your life. This is the time when oestrogen and testosterone reach their highest peaks and like the full moon, who is ripe and has reached her full potential, you too become full and blooming too.
This is the time to truly get out there, being with other people, and enjoying the most productive and creative part of your cycle so that working hard will come easily as you’ll have tons of energy! Essentially this is the time to manifest whether that involves creating a baby or birthing projects – each month you have the opportunity to reap the rewards of the seeds you planted in the Spring and create the life you want to live. This is most definitely a pleasurable time of each cycle indeed!
Waning moon, autumn and pre-menstruation. This is the third phase of your cycle and if your egg wasn’t fertilised during ovulation, from approximately day twenty-three though to menstruation, you will now experience a withdrawal of oestrogen, testosterone and progesterone. This withdrawal can create all sorts of feelings from depression to anxiety, from mood swings to full-on anger outbursts, let alone all the tears that may come, and insecurities about your appearance and your ability to do anything well. It’s not a great time for many of us, especially when you add in the sore breasts, cramps, spots, headaches, bloating etc. Still all is not in vain.
We have now entered the more feminine and yin time of our cycle and we may have a desire to switch all the “doing” to “being”. But the trouble is – and I know this only too well – many of us push on through, thinking we should be doing and functioning and creating at the same levels that we did during the more masculine and high energy parts of the cycle. No, no, no. This is the time to slow things down, let go and truly connect with your inner Goddess, to let our heart and womb lead us into a more authentic and deeper way of being, to experience your own incredible unique wisdom.
The new moon, winter and menstruation. If you are not pregnant then you will start bleeding (in theory anyway). The day you start to bleed is day one of your cycle and this can last anything from three to eight or nine days. Initially your oestrogen levels are very low but around day three they start to increase and this is when you’ll experience a rise in energy levels and outlook on life. Initially the low oestrogen levels will be encouraging you to rest and to indulge in self-care and preservation, retreating from the world and just letting things be. Then at day three when your oestrogen levels rise (and testosterone levels), you may begin to feel more yourself again.
Our energy is different when we are bleeding. The body needs rest, it needs the space and time to allow the blood to flow and for us to step into the depth of our womb wisdom and retreat inside ourselves. I can highly recommend reading “The Red Tent” by Anita Diamant, which tells us all about the red tents that used to exist, where women went to birth and to bleed. Its seeing a revival at the moment and you may well have come across red tent movements, which are appearing throughout the Western world.
During menstruation you are more likely to experience increased clarity about the direction of your life, you can let go of that stuff that no longer serves you and you can cope more easily with change - and have a greater ability to simply move on. So let the blood flow – into the earth if you can – and let it all go. This is a time to avoid masculine activities and skip the dynamic yoga practice especially any deep backbends, deep twists and inversions.
Can you remember when you first bled? I started bleeding when I was 13 and the moment was met with a degree of excitement, I still remember where I was and the exact date! But it was all very hush, hush, not something that was actually celebrated as it may have been by our ancestors many, many years ago now. It was acknowledged not so much because of the transition from girl to women but because of the need now for sanitary products and managing one’s ability to take these into the school toilets without anyone else know about it! I’m sure you’ve been there yourself, it was silly when I reflect back. We should have been rejoicing with a sacred women’s circle and celebrating this enormous transition in life into womanhood, but times have changed and these days such events are not celebrated.
But the trouble is I’m not sure life has changed for the better as women nowadays often have such little respect or even awareness or knowledge of what it means to menstruate. There have been times in my life where I have been as guilty about this as the rest. I made no allowance for the cyclical nature of being a woman. Absolutely none. After all I was living – as we all are – in a patriarchal world with masculine constructs that provide no guidance, or indeed allowance, for the feminine menstrual experience. The emphasis is on analysing, striving, doing and being successful; it’s about being linear and consistent, showing up in exactly the same way day in and day out and just getting on with it.
But we women are not like that. Not at all. We’ve this beautiful flowing, creative and feminine energy that is fluid and absolutely inconsistent. We present differently at various stages in our cycles and yet we are led to believe that we are crazy for this inconsistency, especially as men struggle to understand us as we’re always changing our minds! It’s what we do. We change. We transition from one part of our cycle to another and as we do so we feel differently and therefore we can act differently.
We’re not meant to just keep going all the time, absolutely not and yet we try to, I did, still do sometimes, it’s so deeply ingrained within us simply because of the patriarchal nature of our society that demands the consistency. This makes it very challenging to live another way and to embrace our feelings (all of them!) and acknowledge and indeed honour our different energy levels, moods and needs throughout our cycle and the wisdom that comes from this.
As Lisa Lister says in her fabulous book “Code Red” (every lady should read this): “When you don’t honour your cycle, your body, your womb, yourself – you will always break. Sometimes right away, sometimes a year or five later, but you will break because this is the way of the feminine. If you do not work with your cycle, you work yourself into a place of depletion, whether it’s shooting for the top rung of the career ladder or whether its keeping your shit together for the sake of your brand/family/parents/lover or any of the gazillion possibilities in between that woman do in order NOT to break. Thing is, if you ignore your cycle, the monthly ebb and flow, the opportunity to create and let go, the opportunity that we are given EVERY month to give our body, mind and spirit exactly what it needs in the phase that it needs it, you will break, because ignoring your cycle is ignoring SHE, the divine feminine and basically, she’ll keep encouraging you to break until the Hindu goddess Akhilanda, you become never NOT broken”.
The divine feminine communicates to us through our intuition. We are that divine feminine, each and every one of us ladies, we have that power deep within us if only we would recognise it. Too often we disregard it, our intuition, the messages that our body is trying to convey to us, or we don’t hear it because we are so busy living in our heads, or we don’t trust in it or act upon it. Often we look outside of ourselves for validation of the choices and decisions we make in our lives assuming that some other person – friend, family member, doctor, healthcare professional, teacher – knows us better than we know ourselves. Or we look for external validation of our self-worth, needing constant reassurance from others.
Perhaps you recognise this in yourself. Do you constantly seek answers from outside of yourself before checking in for the answers inside yourself instead? How often do you listen to your heart, womb and body and then trust in and act on the messages that they are trying to convey to you? Do you rest when your body needs rest or do you just keep going regardless? Do you eat what your body is telling you to eat, or what some diet says you should eat? Do you say ‘no’ when your intuition is telling you to say ‘no’ or do you just give in and say ‘yes’ instead? Do you stand up for what you believe in, or back down when others question/challenge this?
If you find yourself reading this, then perhaps this is a sign that now is the time to take a stand for you, for your life, to connect more deeply with your own cycle and the cycle of the moon and see what this reveals to you. Each month state your intent to connect to your inner wisdom and to follow your spiritual path, embracing your feminine power and manifesting the goodness of your spirit in all you do. And then listen in, really listen in.
This is not to say that you may want to hear what you are hearing. You may pretend to hear differently. Denial is a fabulous thing. But denial gets you no-where really. Who are you really kidding? Drop deeper still. Peak into the shadows, embrace the fear, keep listening, what is happening, what is on your mind, what comes out emotionally when you bleed? Your menstruation is absolutely always trying to tell you something and it will do what it can to make itself known to you, to encourage you to listen.
As Uma Dinsmore-Tuli writes, “…it is truly confidence-building for us to recognise and honour the cycles of our lives and our bodies, in particular the menstrual cycle. These natural cycles offer great support for the unfolding of creativity. If we have the confidence that we can trust what our bodies teach us, and that we do not have to mask over or run away from the changing shifts and moods and altered consciousness and awareness that these cycles are showing us, then we come into powerful alignment with the infolding forces of creativity around and within us, and gain the sense of profound self-esteem that is a firm foundation for any creative act”.
Start charting your menstrual cycle. Make a note of the changes in the way you feel and you may start to notice commonalities month by month. It is in this way and by dropping deep into the body that you will come to recognise your own truth. And by recognising your own truth, you will come to find the strength and courage, the faith then, to make the changes that need to be made to live a more heart-based, creative, intuitive and feminine way of living. It’s not always easy, I know this from my own experience, and while it may be an ongoing practice, it does get easier and it is worth the effort.
You are the divine feminine manifest, powerful and magnificent beyond your dreams. You can live the life that you choose. It’s all there for you. There will be signs. Learn to dance with your changing cycle and learn to dance with the moon and trust in her power to nurture and nourish you too. Together, in this way, us ladies can do our bit to collectively raise the feminine in all life, beginning with our own.
I shall leave you with the following quote, which sums it all up beautifully:
…[there is] an eternal light, and right out in front, shining ahead of a woman, like a presence which goes a little bit before her and reports back to her what it has found ahead. It is her perpetual reconnaissance…Yet, when one sees and senses thusly, then one has work to do something about what one sees. To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work. It causes work firstly in watching and comprehending of negative forces and imbalances both inward and outward. Secondly, it causes striving in the gathering up of will in order to do something about what one sees. (Estés 1993: 108)
Jill's homemade seasonal pesto
Ingredients
4 cloves garlic (or less/more depending on preference)
4 cups fresh basil leaves (blanched for 30 seconds then refreshed in iced water - it’s a bit of a hassle but worth it as it retains its colour better)
1 cup grated parmesan
2/3 cup pinenuts (could use walnuts instead)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 cup olive oil
Method
Put all ingredients into food mixer and blitz! If you like a coarser texture, blitz it in small bursts and use a spatula to wipe down the sides.
Pour into ice cube moulds and open freeze. Once frozen demould them and store in bags in freezer.
Really useful just to be able to take one or two out at a time.
Bon appetite!
