Jill's recipe for Far Breton
Here's the recipe for the Far Breton, which was very well received at the yoga "class on the grass". Thank you again to those of you who supported this annual event, we raised £709 for both the Priaulx Premature Baby Foundation, Guernsey and the Namaste Children's Home, Nepal. I love that through practicing yoga in the garden and sunshine, we get to help make a difference to other people's lives both in Guernsey and Nepal.x
Far Breton - ingredients
1 packet stoned prunes soaked in tea for about 30 mins
3 1/2 ozs (100g) plain flour
3 ozs (90g) castor sugar
4 eggs
1/2 litre milk
Large pinch of salt
Oven at 350/175
What to do
Mix flour, sugar and salt in a bowl. Add eggs one at a time and whisk. Add milk in about 4 lots until you have a consistency like a pouring batter.
Butter and lightly oil a baking tin (I use a roasting tin as you need a little depth).
Pour batter into tin and then drop drained prunes into the batter evenly spaced.
Bake for 40 to 50 minutes. This depends on your oven but you need the centre to be 'set', so just keep checking it.
Leave to cool and refrigerate.
Voila!
Morning sickness? Day sickness more like!
So I still have every intention of writing and sharing more about IVF, about ICSI and preparing for egg retrieval, about embryo transfer and patiently (and anxiously) waiting to take a pregnancy test, about preparing for a frozen embryo cycle, that failing, healing and preparing for another final embryo cycle. But before I do all that, I’m keen to write about morning sickness, simply because I am still in the throes of it, so it seems appropriate to share from my current experience.
Morning sickness sucks! Yes, I know, I know, I should be very grateful for the fact that I’m even experiencing morning sickness because that means I’m pregnant! Yes, I get that, and I’m quite sure that when I was having trouble conceiving, I got sick of hearing other pregnant ladies moan about their sickness and about their indigestion and tiredness and all the other stuff that pregnancy entails.
But the truth is, morning sickness is the most debilitating thing I have ever experienced. And to be honest unless you’ve gone through it, I don’t think you can ever quite understand how absolutely awful a feeling it is.
For a start, the term “morning sickness” is utterly ridiculously. Yes, whoever thought this one up was clearly someone who has never experienced it because I am feeling pretty sick most of the day, from say 11am (if I’m lucky) right through to bed time, with things peaking sometime around tea time.
And please, no advice for things I can do to alleviate it – I know you only mean well but I’ve tried all sorts of things and absolutely nothing has made a difference, and no, please no ginger, even the thought of this makes me feel sick, let alone a ginger biscuit, and as for flat coke, or flat anything for that matter, no, no, no!!
Saying all that, some stuff has helped a little bit but in a temporary way. Not the homeopathic remedies, nor the Bach floral remedies sadly, but teaching yoga, probably because I am totally distracted and in the moment (although I tend to crash a few hours later), swimming in the sea (this is probably due to the shock of the 12 degree Celcius water) and sleeping. Yes, sleeping is the key, in fact all I really want to do is sleep, sleep and more sleep!
This time the sickness arrived almost as quickly as the pregnancy, at only five weeks. I just started having this slight sense of nausea and aversion to certain smells and foods that quickly became all encompassing so that by week six I was really feeling it. All of a sudden going to the supermarket became a very unpleasant experience as certain foods absolutely repulsed me and made me feel instantly sick, while others totally draw me in, it’s the strangest thing!
I remember towards the end of week six forcing myself into the Coop – it literally becomes an absolute effort to go food shopping as you know you’ll feel like you may have to vomit at least once - to find something for dinner and finding myself putting a can of Heinz tomato soup, a packet of Uncle Ben’s golden vegetable rice, a pack of those filled spinach and ricotta tortellini and ready made tomato sauce into my basket, four items that I‘d never usually give the time of day, let alone put in my shopping bag.
I was quite intrigued by this, not least discovering how much cheaper it is to buy what I class as processed/junk food than the normal heathier food that I would usually buy – think brown rice, organic broccoli, coconut milk, organic chickpeas, fresh vegetables blah blah blah – but also the fact that in that moment all my body wanted was this strange food. However, by the time I got home, a mere five minutes later, I’d lost my urge for the soup and the rice and they are still sitting in my cupboard right now and the thought of them makes me feel a little bit sick!
I did succumb to the tortellini though, but after that fix, I haven’t craved them since. I’ve noticed this happening quite a bit during this pregnancy, these strange cravings (for me at least) that I satisfy and then don’t have again. I don’t usually eat dairy cheese for example, (it doesn’t like me, I love cows and I don’t really like the industry) but one day I absolutely had to eat cauliflower cheese, another time I absolutely had to have cheese filled vegetable lasagne and another time I absolutely had to have cheddar cheese on crackers. None of this have I eaten since.
There’s been other stuff too. Two days on the trot I absolutely had to have baked beans on toast, like it was this all consuming need, while another few days all I could stomach – quite literally - was chips and mayonnaise! For a few days I couldn’t stomach anything, which is most unusual, I couldn’t even force soup down my throat and the idea of toast made me feel desperately sick. A few days later absolutely all I wanted was goat’s cheese and tomatoes and French bread smothered with real butter, so much for my disdain for the dairy industry, but you see the cravings become all consuming!
It’s funny because during my first pregnancy I really struggled with this, the thought of eating things I would never ordinarily eat, that represented something I didn’t like or I knew would ordinarily make me feel a little out of sorts, sluggish then, and I resisted it and gave myself a bit of a hard time about it. Not to say I didn’t eventually give in to it, the craving for cheddar cheese and tomato sandwiches, packets of Doritos and sparkling sugar based lemon or orange drinks was all consuming and was the only thing I could stomach during many of the sickness days. I even found myself eating fruity Mentos sweets, and believe you me I’m not usually someone who touches refined sugar!
During that first pregnancy, when I was just eight weeks pregnant and in the real throes of the sickness, we spent two weeks staying in a rather lovely private house outside of Chiang Mai in Northern Thailand with an in-house Thai chef. Well usually I love Thai food but I just could not stomach the smell of it, and each evening meal was a real trial. It didn’t help that my brother’s fiancé developed a love of textured soya protein, so we ended up having various kinds of it as the base (if not the only constituent part) of our vegetarian meals throughout our stay, and I just absolutely could not stand it. Even now the thought of it makes my stomach turn. Thankfully I was able to eat rice!
So this time around I decided I was not going to give myself a hard time and just eat whatever my body was telling me it needed, however random that appeared to be. And while some of it has been random, the main cravings have been much more acceptable than last time, mainly a huge amount of tropical fruits and cherries, which has been a bit costly but my saviour at many a meal, wholegrain brown baguette, cherry tomatoes and a whole heap of fruit juice. It could be worse right!
Food aside, morning sickness is just incredibly challenging what with the whole sensitivity to smell thing. For a few weeks I absolutely couldn’t stand the smell of the cottage, as soon as I walked in the front door it made me feel rather sick, and actually even now there’s something about the cottage that smells funny and believe you me, I have cleaned everywhere, even behind and under all the furniture, but still the smell has persisted!
I have also developed an aversion to my usual loved aromatherapy oil scented candle, and that has had to go in the wing, because even the slightest whiff of it was making me feel a teeny bit sick – ok, quite a little bit sick! And as for the fridge, well I developed an absolute aversion to this, so that it has been an absolute effort opening this, crazy isn’t it, imagine feeling sick every time you go to your fridge.
Needless to say cooking has been a trial of sorts, to the extent that actually I’ve had to stop doing it, it makes me feel sick and I cannot stomach the thought of vegetables, let alone cooking meat for the boys. Thankfully my Mum is amazing, not only does she love cooking (like LOVE cooking) but she is also very kind so she has been doing meals on wheels, which Ewan is delighted about because her cooking is much better than mine so he’s enjoying lots of yummy dishes, and probably hoping my sickness will continue for a long while!!
I have to admit, that I’ve also struggled with the smell of his meals on wheels dishes cooking, so I’ve had to remove myself from the room when he is eating! Sadly, I don’t have that luxury in the office and believe you me, that has often been the most challenging experience. The air conditioning was broken for a few weeks which didn’t help matters, but oh my gosh, I don’t think people have any idea how awful the smell of chilli chicken and garlic chicken baguettes can be at the best of times, let alone when one of your colleagues is suffering with morning sickness. Yuck.
Because the morning sickness arrived so early in the pregnancy – or so it seemed - I became a little obsessed with the concept of it peaking and thereafter easing. You see at seven weeks when it was cranking up a gear so that I suffered with diarrhea and everything seemed to go through me (still not sure if that was a virus or the sickness) I also experienced a miscarriage scare which found me signed off work and on bed rest for a week. In many respects this was a blessing because I felt so dreadful, what with the inability to stomach anything, the concern about the miscarriage and the acute tiredness (think body hitting wall tiredness) that it was all I could do to leave my bed.
If I’m honest I felt right proper sorry for myself and did some google searching to find that I was not alone. I came across a blog where the lady was honest enough to say that at week seven too and in the throes of acute sickness, she was actually questioning whether she wanted to be pregnant after all and you know what, I felt exactly the same. It sounds awful to say that and I certainly didn’t want to tempt fate, what with everything we had been through, and of course the recent miscarriage scare, but I felt so dreadful, so utterly sick to my skin that I just couldn’t see how I could carry on like that for a further nine weeks (working on the basis it would ease at sixteen weeks as it had done with Elijah).
And the thing is I’m pretty hardy and strong, but it was certainly getting the better of me. Thankfully, by the end of week seven, the diarrhea eased, and while I still felt nauseas 90% of the time, it became slightly more manageable, certainly because I had now surrendered to the intense tiredness and was not checking emails/doing any work in the evening and was going to be by 9pm, a real shift for me – and what a revelation, if only I had experienced the joy of early nights many years previously!
By week eight I was really beginning to question how long this sickness malarkey was going to hang around. I was due to run a weekend yoga retreat at a centre near Glastonbury at the end of week nine and I was beginning to wonder how I was going to do this - it wasn’t the teaching that concerned me as such, as I already mentioned this made me feel strangely better, well temporarily, but more so the holding it all together, especially with no one meant to be knowing.
And that’s the other crazy thing about this morning sickness malarkey. The one time in your pregnancy that you absolutely need sympathy and people to cut you some slack, when you’re feeling totally out of sorts and desperately trying to get through the day, and you can’t tell anyone! I mean I understand the reason for this, not wanting to tempt fate and all that, but its so unfair because you feel so rubbish and yet somehow you just have to get through it, put on a brave face and pretend all is well with the world. Pants!
So I did some google searching on peak sickness times and while some ladies said their sickness peaked at week seven to eight, the majority said week ten. No!!!!! This was not what I wanted to read and as the retreat approached I tried to convince myself that week seven to eight had absolutely been the worst for me and things were only getting to improve so I’d breeze through the rest of this dreaded first trimester.
If only. Week nine arrived and off we flew to the UK – flying and morning sickness absolutely do not compliment one another, I felt rubbish. We hired a car and I quickly discovered that driving distances at a speed above the local speed limit of 25mph/35mph with morning sickness absolutely do not compliment one another either, I felt rubbish on every journey and it was all I could do not to have to vomit then and there – I’m lucky by the way I know some ladies who have vomited driving to work.
If I’m honest all I wanted to do on that trip was sleep. And this is the other thing about the sickness, especially on your second pregnancy (I don’t even want to think about multiple pregnancies). First time around, one has all the time in the world to indulge in the pregnancy, to loll around in bed with morning sickness and to lie on the sofa when you can. Second time around you do not have such a luxury – well I certainly don’t in any case. You’ve still got another child to fuss over and if you have a non-sleeper like we have, then you still get woken during the night, at least once incidentally, let alone him being in bed for longer than 10 hours at a time (“this too shall pass”).
In any event the yoga retreat came around and amazingly, there was an answered prayer, (no Elijah did not sleep any better), but mind over matter meant that I just got on with it and did not give in, or even acknowledge, not even to myself, that underneath it all the nausea was still there. I just had it in my head that while I desperately wanted to enjoy the weekend (and I did), I absolutely just had to get through it too. And I did! And actually it was a joy to have someone cook and to eat healthy food without feeling too sick.
And rather foolishly I figured that perhaps that meant the sickness was now going to ease. But alas not. The day after the yoga retreat, back home in Guernsey, the acute tiredness and all consuming sickness returned with a vengeance and somehow I managed to crawl my way through that week, virtually collapsing into bed at any available opportunity, just feeling so desperately sick.
Still fourteen and a half weeks on now and and as I reflect back I see can see that things are changing. At eight weeks I honestly did not know how I could get through another week, let alone another six weeks, but you do somehow. You have no choice. Even if some days all you do is wake up and long for your bed again, you just somehow get through the day, however trying that may be and however much you are struggling. And while it is all for the greater good, it’s tough, it’s probably one of the the toughest things I’ve ever had to do.
Now I have good days and and not so good days, and the good days are slowly increasing – I don’t want to jinx it though! Some women are not so lucky and are sick throughout their entire pregnancy, it must be soul destroying. Others are like me and suffer for the first sixteen weeks and even then our suffering is different – I have a friend who has vomited every morning and then felt fine the rest of the day, another who vomits repeatedly at various stages of the day and another friend who wasn’t sick at all and wonders what all the fuss is about.
I honestly struggle with the idea that there can be any lesson to be learned or any hidden blessing behind all this pregnancy sickness. It certainly hasn’t been eased by my own yoga practice – and I can tell you once thing, attempting to meditate while experiencing morning sickness is just pointless, your mind is utterly distracted by this faint dizzy feeling and the unsettling nausea. Yoga Nidra on the other hand, can help, but more often than not I’ve just ended up falling asleep!
So you see I’m struggling with the advice on this one. I can’t even suggest drinking lots of water as that made me feel sick too. All I can say is perhaps take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone, and that it will end, even if that is around forty weeks when the baby arrives, but what I can say is that you do forget, which is just as well as we wouldn’t continue to pro-create, the human body and indeed mind is amazing in that respect!
So I don’t have too many tips really. But you could try the following:
· Sleeping at any available opportunity!
· Pray!
· Making no plans to socialise or see anyone other than essential appointments.
· Eat what your body craves, however crazy that may seem.
· Try and stay hydrated, whether that by drinking juice or sparkling water. Be prepared to go to the toilet numerous times throughout the night regardless!
· Encourage your partner to cook for him/herself and ask for help with the shopping.
· Ask for help/accept help from anyone who is willing to help whether that be food preparation or child minding so you can sleep.
· Know that it’s not forever, even if it doesn’t feel like that at the time!
The Quest for Conception: A Journey of Self-discovery
Since I wrote my last post I have been contacted by a number of ladies (in the strictest of confidence) who have all shared a little of their personal stories in their quest to become pregnant, whether that be naturally or through IVF, and others still investigating their options.
Some ladies are really lucky and conceive immediately, I have a couple of friends for whom this happened and my Mum apparently knew the exact moment I was conceived, but for others of us it is not so easy and can take years of heartache and anguish until we finally hold that bundle of joy (and life changer) in our arms.
I truly believe that the quest for conception has the potential to take us on a journey of self-discovery, at least that was certainly my experience and if you view it like this, well it becomes a little less scary and a little more intimate, spiritual and meaningful somehow. I can assure you that you are not alone and while there are times when it may feel really lonely out there, take comfort that others are going through it too.
There is a huge amount of fear that accompanies fertility: the fear of never conceiving and never having a baby of your own is the biggest one of course. If only you had the certainty that one day it would come true, then how much more you’d be able to enjoy the journey it takes you on. But here’s the thing, if you absolutely align yourself to the Divine and to your crystal clear intention to get pregnant, stepping into the heart and away from the fear, then you’ll be absolutely fine. You absolutely have to believe in yourself and your ability to create the life you desire.
There were a number of things I learned during my quest for conception and I truly believe that many of them helped me to finally become pregnant, and whether you are trying to conceive naturally or through IVF, it’s possible that some of these may help you too. They work on the basis that you are committing to an outcome and the more you can do to align every part of your being to the outcome the better.
However, I’m keen to stress that these were my experiences and the whole point of all of this, the journey to conception then, is for you to dig deep, listen in, connect with your soul and allow it to be your guide to realising your dream. In life we are so used to being told what to do that we often don’t listen to this little voice inside us which is doing all it can to guide us through. There are a lot of suggestions listed below so listen in to your soul and if what I say doesn’t resonate with you, well then its not for you simple as that, and please do not think you have to do all of them to achieve a happy outcome!
So here we go:
Pray. Now I’m not religious, not in the slightest, but I prayed every single day during my quest to become pregnant and I pray every single day now too. Prayer changed my life, it strengthened my spirituality and it absolutely strengthened my connection to the Divine. Try it. Drop to the floor and pray, direct your focus to that which you want to bring into your life and ask for guidance, give thanks and listen, absolutely listen to what comes back – there’ll be a message somewhere for you. I truly believe our prayers are always answered but NOT always in the way we imagine. You have to surrender a little to the process you are guided through. Notice your resistance to prayer because that can be telling too (more on this further down).
Stay positive. The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me (and she had been through IVF herself) was to not give in to self-pity. If you have to go down the IVF route then this is absolutely essential. Self-pity will not help. You are not the only one going through this and you will not be the last. Do whatever you can to stay absolutely positive about the process and about a positive result. Keep the faith high.
Zita West. Invest in a copy of Zita West’s book entitled, “Fertility and Conception”. It’s brilliant and probably some of what I learned from there I’m repeating here. Some of it, of course, didn’t resonate with me, and that’s that I mean about only doing what feels right for you. She also has an IVF clinic, which is more holistic than most, have a look on the internet if you are interested in this.
“The Stork Club” – If you need reminding that you are not alone, then read Imogen Edward-Jones’ “The Stork Club”, it’s a funny and yet interesting read.
Yoga. Perhaps it won’t come as any surprise to know that I dug super deep into my practice. There were times when I needed to be gentle and quiet and restorative yoga was ideal and other times when I needed to move actively and keep the energy high. I already have a daily practice, but I would often take to my mat a little more than usual when we were going through IVF especially. Lots of hip work can be beneficial, to really work with the sacral chakra, but so too some grounding work, and also heart opening, and at other times forward folding and inwardly reflective. A balance really! And if the tears come then let them flow, your mat is an ideal place to process and let the healing work come through.
Meditation. Fertility issues really helped me to commit to a daily meditation practice. Just 10-20 minutes a day made such a difference, especially when I was going through IVF, not only did it make my mind stronger but it helped me to maintain a positive outlook and stay focused on the end result. I absolutely encourage this, you’ll notice a wavering mind and this should give you the opportunity to do something about it – much trickier to find the time when you already have a child/children however so just do what you can!
Ayurveda. Ayurveda is the science of life. I have been seeing an Ayurvedic doctor, Dr Deepika, for nine years now and coincidentally she is a fertility expert and has helped hundreds if not thousands of ladies conceive. Ayurveda is holistic and works on all levels of your being, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I went over to the UK and did a three day pancha karma at her clinic, which was just wonderful. Based at Purley Oaks near Gatwick, Dr Deepika also offers skype appointments. You can find out more about here at http://www.theayurvedicclinic.com
Yoga Nidra – working with a Sankalpa; in practical terms, a Sankalpa is a declarative statement, resolution or intention in which you vow to commit to fulfil a specific goal, in this instance to become pregnant with a healthy baby – “I am pregnant with a healthy baby”. Sankalpa or resolution holds a special and highly esteemed place in the ancient teachings. The concept of Sankalpa appears even as early as the Rig Veda, the most ancient of all the Vedic texts. The ancient concept of sankalpa is based on the principle that your mind has measureless capacity to effect the quality and content of your life. As the Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think you become”. So start practicing Yoga Nidra regularly, a couple of times a week if you can, not only to consciously rest but to implant, like a seed, your Sankalpa deep within. Needless to say I produced my own recording for this and you can obtain a copy of this from my website, but there are plenty of others out there, just check Amazon or You tube.
Fertility bracelet – I love fertility bracelets. They incorporate crystals that are known to promote fertility and pregnancy such as moonstone, rose quartz and fresh water pearls. Other crystals are often incorporated to alleviate stress and encourage a calm state of being. I have one which was made by Athene Sholl (www.athenesholl.com) but my cousin Yo also makes them (you can find her on facebook as Yolande Ifold). Just wearing these crystals will help, not least in invoking the energy of fertility but making your intention even clearer to the Universe and encouraging the law of attraction to bestow you with a babe in arms!
Sculpture of whatever it is you are trying to create – for me the first time around it was a sculpture of a man, woman and baby all hugging together. The second time around there was a child in it too. I sit it on my altar so that I look at it every day and every day as I look at it I remember what it is I am intending to bring into, and create in, my life.
Vision board – ok so the jury’s out on vision boards but for me they have always been very powerful in again making my intentions clear and reminding me of this visually. So in this case an image of a pregnant lady and a baby works a treat, or a photo of you holding a baby. And notice any resistance you feel seeing/imagining yourself pregnant or holding a baby (more on this below).
A healthy diet – this goes without saying right, lots of fresh fruits and vegetables (seasonal and organic where you can), wholegrains and protein. Lots of fresh water too. Limit the caffeine and alcohol, everything in moderation – I like a cup or two of black tea in the morning and the odd glass or two of wine in the evening and certainly didn’t stop either during IVF.
Reiki – I received a lot of Reiki in preparation for, and during, all my IVF cycles and beyond. Reiki really helps to release energetic blocks and can enhance fertility. It is also deeply healing, relaxing and calming. I can’t recommend it enough. I’m not practicing at the moment but can recommend practitioners on Guernsey. Even better if you can give yourself Reiki though and this is ideal for pregnancy and channelling Reiki to the baby in utero.
Acupuncture – I did a lot of acupuncture in preparation for egg retrieval, whether this helped me to produce the number of quality eggs that were produced on that first cycle I will never know, but it kept my energy high during that first cycle.
Holistic therapies generally – As a holistic therapist, I love holistic therapies and I am fortunate that I’m able to swap yoga for therapies with some of my friends. Thus throughout both positive IVF cycles (both egg retrieval and embryo transfer) I’ve done a number of different ones in varying degrees depending on what I felt I needed. I’ve received Bowen and osteopathy to realign me physically, lymphatic draining to clear my lymph, reflexology to support the uterus and to relax, Ki massage to clear energetic and emotional blockages and holistic massage to chill out. I’m happy to recommend practitioners here in Guernsey.
Angels. I love the angels and talk to them daily. I’d encourage you to invite them into your life. Ask the angels to help you and they will by pointing you in the direction of people, therapies, books or whatever it may be that will help support you on your journey. I’m a massive fan of the Doreen Virtue Angel cards (you can buy these from Amazon) and I find that this is a wonderful way to communicate with them and get much more in touch with your intuition and what your soul’s messages. They’ll leave you feathers so you know they are with you and you’ll start noticing more robins too (these are angels in form). You may see an owl too.
Intimacy. Keep it intimate, between you and your partner. You can easily give your energy away discussing it with others. It’s your journey no one else’s and it certainly shouldn’t be a drama or source of gossip for others. The fact you have to become so conscious about conception can lose the intimacy, sex becomes all about getting pregnant, and IVF of course doesn’t even have the sexual element, so do what you can to retain some intimacy to the whole process. I think its more special that way.
She Oak – often an inability to conceive can be due to emotional issues, emotions that you haven’t yet processed and are holding on to in one form or another, perhaps something is eating away at you, or you haven’t made peace with childhood trauma. To help with this take She Oak tincture, which encourages the individual to be emotionally open and receptive to conceive. It also helps with the female balancing of hormones. You can order this from Amazon.
Have fun – don’t forget to have some fun. Life can become very structured and dull, what with ovulation dates and then waiting for the dreaded period or the joyful lack of period. And for those doing IVF, well it is one big treadmill of dates and times for injections and pills and blood tests and scans, so that it is all too easy for life to become very glum. Make sure you allow some time to have fun, even if that’s just going for swim in the sea or getting out walking in nature, laughing at a comedy, or going for a meal with friends. Keep the energy high!!!
Rest – yes, I’ve never been very good at this but it is really helpful if you can rest. The Yoga Nidra and treatments can help with this, but you’ll be trying to grow a healthy egg naturally or eggs with IVF and you need your energy to do this. So try and rest when you can, early nights and relaxing soaks in the bath!
Drop the energy vampires – we’ve all got them, people in our life who suck the energy right out of us what with their constant dramas or their constant demands on us. We don’t need them, and they probably don’t really need us, only that we’ve gotten into this dynamic which we feel we can’t get out of. But you can. And while sometimes it takes some adjustment, it is essential that all your energy goes to you, not those who take it all away from you. You know the people I mean and you’re probably feeling a little uncomfortable at the thought of how you are going to extricate yourself from the relationship, but you can. Let them go and perhaps you’ll be doing them a favour in the long run. Nature abhors a vacuum after all.
Activities which exhaust your energy – identify areas of your life where you are losing energy. For me Facebook has always been the major one, it draws you in and before you know it you’ve lost hours of your life. Not only that but it is filled with insecurity and opinions and judgments that don’t always serve the higher purpose, but of course that’s just my take on things, you’ll have other activities that drain you.
Bach Rescue Remedy – if things start getting a little stressful and you’re feeling a little emotional and out of balance then take some Bach Rescue Remedy, which is a wonderfully natural way to help you calm down, it works with flower essences and is marvellous.
The moon – I love the moon, especially as she is the Goddess of Fertility. So go and embrace her energy. When the moon is full, go outside and bathe in her rays and pray to her and ask her to bestow you with a child and remove the obstacles in your way. Remember to give thanks, especially when you achieve your outcome!
Resistance – this is HUGE. The most telling and powerful steps you can take to reduce your internal resistance to achieving your desire is to identify what we call in the Vedic tradition “vikalpas”. These are your unconscious sankalpas (intentions or resolutions, see above), but ones that move you in any one of countless directions away from the destiny your soul is here to lead you to. It is very important that you realise your unconscious mind is significantly more powerful than your conscious mind. You need to do what you can to recognise and become aware of your unconscious patterns and how they are sabotaging your conscious desires and to increase the intensity of your conscious desires. If you find that your actions are contrary to, or less than supportive of your goal and intention to conceive and give birth to a healthy baby, then there will be a vikalpa, an internal resistance at work here.
Perhaps you don’t think you’re worthy of having a baby, perhaps – unconsciously – you’re not sure you can cope with a baby, perhaps you’re worried about the effects of pregnancy on your body, perhaps you’re holding on to resentment from the past, from your own childhood etc, perhaps you’re worried you won’t make a good mother, perhaps you have a habit of sabotaging the good things in your life. So perhaps you need to identify your resistance and if necessary forgive and move on.
Stay grounded – hug a tree, go walk barefoot in the garden, sit on the beach, take a bath with natural sea salts, dry-brush, do whatever you can to stay rooted to this earth. You need to have your feet firmly on the ground to bring that spirit in. Don’t let yourself float around in the ethers, caught in your head.
Avoid online fertility/IVF forums – There is a ton of stuff out there on the internet about fertility and IVF and those forums are just plain awful, based on a whole heap of fear. My advice is to stay away from these at all costs, do not buy into negativity!
So my conclusion really is to continue being kind to yourself and absolutely do not give yourself (or anyone else) a hard time about all this. It is what it is. No point fighting it or fighting yourself over it. You’ll get your dream, the Divine may just have another plan of the route, the journey then, that you need to take there is all – remain patient, trust in the process and keep believing in yourself, its a journey of self-discovery, embrace it!!
Bringing another Spirit into the World: New Life!
Life is full of challenges isn’t it. So its always a relief when you surmount one of these and your dreams become a little bit more real.
Four years ago now, I remember sitting in the specialist’s office here in Guernsey listening to the specialist tell Ewan and I that we may never have children of our own. I’ve done an awful lot of praying and growing since then and I am delighted that we are now one step closer to realising our dream of bringing another spirit into the world, creating new life and giving Elijah a sibling.
Yes, that’s right, I’m pregnant again! And for this I am eternally grateful to science for without its advances we wouldn’t be in the position we are in today – and I’ll be honest, I’ve never been particularly interested in science, unless it’s the science of yoga of course, but science is, in my opinion, amazing!
It’s been a long old journey. We had ICSI 4 years ago now, where individual sperm are injected into individual eggs and embryos grown from this. We were lucky, with that initial treatment back in 2013 I produced a number of quality eggs which resulted in two embryos (grown to three days) and three blastocysts (grown to five days and meant to have a greater chance of taking when implanted within the uterus).
Two of those blastocysts, both of which were good quality, were implanted and while one of them didn’t make it, the other resulted in the birth of Elijah – IVF is not an exact science, some take, some don’t, what I’ve come to recognise is that there is more to bringing spirit into this world than merely science alone, incredible as is it in creating the opportunity in the first place.
The same day that those two blastocysts were implanted in me, the remaining blastocyst was frozen, together with the two embryos. I can still remember the moment the consultant told us that they were doing this because I experienced this incredibly strong feeling, a knowing then (as confident as one can ever have a knowing with IVF) that the remaining frozen blastocyst was going to result in a second pregnancy one day, and at least we would have to give it a try.
Last October we went through our first frozen embryo cycle where the two frozen embryos were defrosted, one of them didn’t survive the thawing process while the other survived and was left to grow a further two days in the laboratory to form a quality blastocyst. This was implanted but sadly never made it – this wasn’t a surprise as such, I felt a pressure due to our ages to get on with it but deep down neither of us were ready –I was still breastfeeding Elijah (a big ‘no, no’ in the IVF world), sleep deprived, exhausted and certainly not ready mentally for another baby. It was still sad though and I wrote about it at the time.
This meant that we had one remaining blastocyst, the one frozen four years ago now. We knew it would be our last chance – IVF, while a miracle in so many ways, is in my experience an expensive, invasive, emotionally exhausting and stressful process to go through – and we weren’t prepared to go through it again. Its not just the drugs, which put an enormous strain on your liver and on your body generally, but all the blood tests and scans and making sure you follow an exact schedule with all its demands and the need for secrecy.
Plus, being such a clinical procedure it lacks heart and a holistic approach, which I found particularly tough. And its crazy really because you can do exactly what you are told to do by the clinic and it may well still fail, hence it not being an exact science, so that actually something else has to be involved. That’s the reason I’m a true believer that the Divine plays a role in this and that you have to be mentally and emotionally in the right place – you know how it is with life, there’s a timing to everything and once you’re aligned to this, well it makes it easier going.
So following our failed cycle, as with the initial ICSI cycle, I dug deep into my practice and re-established my connection with the Divine, which had faltered a little following the full grade Placenta Previa I experienced with Elijah and the resulting interventional birth so that absolutely nothing about Elijah’s arrival into the world, from conception to birth was in any way natural or as I had hoped, although he did receive a lot of Reiki! I lost a lot of blood during the birth so that I almost needed a blood transfusion and I was angry for a long old time over that as I felt so dreadful.
So I lost my way a little. I was delighted to have Elijah obviously, but I was sick for a good few months and I struggled with the ongoing sleep deprivation of a baby who didn’t want to sleep, and woke every 3 hours for a good two years until I stopped breastfeeding. He still doesn’t sleep through the night at two and a half years old, I’m woken at least once and he is a late settler and early riser so its been tough. Anyone who’s been through this or is going through this will know how debilitating sleep deprivation can be, especially when you’re working.
Furthermore, compounded by the sleep deprivation, I struggled to adjust to the demands of this motherhood malarkey. I absolutely love spending time with Elijah but I also love spending time on my yoga mat and writing, plus I’m very driven and love working! It was a struggle fitting it all in, what with the day job. That said, being a Mum is tough whether you are working or not, women don’t usually talk about that, we’re all trying so hard to hold it together! So I made some adjustments along the way, but if I’m honest, I was still doing far too much and getting a little stressed and exhausted from time to time.
Thus I realised that I needed to make some changes to my lifestyle and to my way of thinking – its all very well saying you’ll do less but if it has become a behaviour pattern, as it had for me, then it can be quite a challenge to change things. So there needs to be a recognition of where you are losing energy, time wasting and making life harder for yourself, and once you’ve identified that (Facebook was a big one for me believe it or not, not only time wasting but energy draining too) you have to reach a level of acceptance to let that go and move on – well in theory anyway, I’m sure there’s still room for improvement!
So I looked honestly at my life and started to change things, I started writing again which makes my soul happy, and I did a whole heap of healing work including an Ayurvedic Pancha Karma with my Ayurvedic doctor who specialises in fertility, Ki massage, Reiki, Bowen and I retreated a little from the world, from my friends and from socialising generally!
Plus, I dug deep into my practice, re-establishing a daily sitting practice, doing a whole heap of restorative yoga to re-energise, a whole heap of Yoga Nidra working with the ancient and well tested Sankalpa (and Vikalpa to notice resistance), embraced my fertility crystals and did a whole heap of praying both to the Divine and to the moon, the Goddess of Fertility so that I was well and truly focused on a positive outcome. As a result, I deepened my connection to the Divine and increased my faith again – and I give thanks, Amen.
So by the time late January arrived and second and last frozen embryo cycle began I was more than ready – we had timed this with Spring, when we’d done our initial treatment in 2013, to tap into that Spring energy of fertility. I had to go through seven weeks of treatment (both pills and injections) before we sneaked off to the UK for the transfer a few days after the Herm retreat.
Fortunately, the blastocyst survived the thawing process (there is always the risk you do all that treatment and then it doesn’t survive the thawing process) and was implanted. It’s a clinical experience but the consultant was lovely and we saw the star of the blastocyst going into my uterus, which we’d seen with Elijah but not with the failed cycle.
I felt the energy in my tummy immediately, its expansive and new and light, its an incredible energy if you are ever fortunate to feel it. Its just so new and so alive and so vibrant that I can’t liken it to anything else. Its new life essentially and that is pretty powerful, you’ll know a little that feeling from Spring, which abounds with this energy but this is something a little different too.
It changes within a few days and the only way I can describe it is to say that it feels like pearls, at least that’s what I kept feeling and seeing in my head. The energy is like running your hand over a run of strung pearls. Its like the energy becomes a little more contained, a little heavier, but with movement, circular movement as I guess, the cells divide. I really wish every lady who undertakes IVF could feel this, because at least you know then that its still alive and growing inside you.
While I could feel it, and while the signs were there – oh my gosh the signs were there; three days before we were due to take the dreaded test someone at work made an offhand comment about me getting pregnant next, and two days before we took the test, again at work, on a course this time, we were given these UBS sticks and one of the guys mentioned that it looked like a pregnancy testing stick and he accidentally dropped it on the floor and it landed just by me so he reached down to pick it up and said to me, “oh it says you’re pregnant Emma”. I laughed inside because little did he know that in two day’s time I would be taking a test that would tell me this!
There were other signs too - my angel cards flung up child related cards and robins and feathers were everywhere I looked so I knew the angels were surrounding me – not to say there’s anything special with me by the way, just that I had aligned myself on that level and was feeling the support of the Universe, which really helps.
You may already know this from previous ramblings, but I’m a massive fan of angels, I talk to them daily (I’m not mad honest!) and I had this feeling that the angels were like, “oh come on Emma, you can feel the energy, you know its worked, we’re sending you all these signs, so heck let go of your anxiety”! You see the faith was strong, the energy I could feel and the signs were everywhere and yet still it was an incredibly anxious ten days.
Anyone who has gone through IVF will know what I mean about this being a hugely anxious time. And the silly thing is, you’re told to try and stay as calm and stress-free as possible and yet it’s probably one of the most stressful times of the whole treatment, waiting to see if its worked – because let’s remember again its not an exact science – ‘its like a roll of the dice’, a nurse told me when I was starting treatment for the second time.
So I had this full on nauseating and stomach churning feeling going on, so that I had to consciously remind myself to get out of the fear and into the heart. Fear does no one any favours but the trouble is we enter into that state so easily that we can lose ourselves in it and forget that fear is essentially, ‘false evidence appearing real’. This is the reason sitting can be so helpful, because you can feel the fear deep in the pit of your stomach and you can shift your awareness up into your heart instead and change the energy of it all a little and allow the anxiety to dissipate.
I think that it is during this waiting time that people begin to wish they hadn’t told anyone else about what they are going through. The first time with the ICSI we told all our close friends and family as we felt we needed the support and I was so confident about it working that I don’t remember feeling too anxious, more so excited. But once you’ve had a failed cycle, well that all changes, because you know how awful it is, how disappointing and sad it is then, to have gone through that whole process and for it not to work.
I made this mistake during our first frozen embryo cycle and really wished I hadn’t when we got the results. I knew that I wasn’t pregnant before I took the test, I couldn’t feel the energy of the blastocyst anymore and my head was elsewhere, but it didn’t help knowing that everyone else wanted to know. And while some undoubtedly wanted to know because they cared, others inevitably wanted to know because it s a bit of news, a bit of drama, a bit of gossip, and that made me very determined not to tell a soul, not even our parents, about our final attempt.
So it was much more intimate for us and while the parents had to be told eventually because we were going off Island, we enjoyed it just being about us this time. Not only did this keep the energy high but it felt like our own little journey that we managed to do all on our own without any negativity or influence from anyone else. And let’s face it, aside from perhaps telling our closest friend, how many people do tell others that they are having sex to make a baby that particular day, if you know what I mean!
So the result was positive, which I had expected but nonetheless this was a relief. The sickness arrived quickly this time, at 5 weeks and I’ve been feeling pretty rotten since then. Whoever named it morning sickness was having a joke, and please no one suggest to me to have a ginger biscuit, it makes no difference! I don’t think anyone can really understand the debilitating nature of pregnancy sickness unless you have experienced it for yourself.
Fortunately, I haven’t vomited, but I have felt nauseous from 11am until bed time absolutely every day for the last 7 weeks now. Some weeks have been worse than others, its true how this happens, weeks 7-9 were awful and week 10-11 was dreadful too. The only thing that has made me feel better is teaching yoga and going to bed early so I’m grateful that the Glastonbury retreat arose during this period as it gave me a weekend of distraction, even if I did feel utterly rotten the week afterwards!!
But it is all for the greater good. And feeling the baby’s energy and noticing my changing body is a blessing really. A dream coming true. And what we’ve been through doesn’t make me an expert in any way, but I’ve learnt quite a lot over the last four years and I am keen to share this with others who may find themselves in a similar situation to us. There is a lot out there already, a huge amount of this is fear based, and this does no one any favours. So I’ll be keeping things positive, because to be honest that’s the only way.
So if you’re having trouble conceiving and you’ve been told you may have fertility issues, well maybe my sharing will help, maybe not, but I feel compelled to share a little more nonetheless. It may take some time though; my energy levels are not quite what they were!!
I’m due 28 November by the way, two days before Ewan’s big birthday, and I’m intending to continue teaching until then – we have the Herm retreat in October after all and I’m very much looking forward to that!
Retreating at Lower Coxbridge House, Glastonbury
The view of Glastonbury Tor from Lower Coxbridge House
We love retreating here at Beinspired, it’s just such a marvellous way to slow things down, connect with nature and the natural flow of things and be reminded of the bigger picture, let alone deepen one’s yoga practice and potentially experience a more expanded and positive perspective on life. You may make a new friend too, which is great!
We came across the hidden gem that is otherwise known as Lower Coxbridge House near Glastonbury quite by chance last summer when I was google searching for yoga classes in Glastonbury. It kept coming up and intrigued me a little, so in October Ewan, Elijah and I went to stay for a few nights in the barn at the property. We were instantly enchanted and realised that it would make the perfect place for a yoga retreat. So 7 months later that’s exactly what happened, we held our first Beinspired Glastonbury yoga retreat.
Here’s what we loved about retreating at Lower Coxbridge House near Glastonbury:
The peacefulness – it doesn’t take you long to recognise that this is a really special place and part of that reason is the fact it is just so peaceful, situated as it is in the Somerset countryside, three miles away from Glastonbury and with fabulous views of the infamous Tor. That’s not to say it is quiet necessarily, one of the neighbouring fields is filled with sheep and the birds can be very noise with their morning chorus, but it is peaceful nonetheless!
The countryside – I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, this is a beautiful spot right here in the Somerset countryside, surrounded by farms and fields, its tractor heaven actually, which was fab for my tractor loving son, he was in his element! Its stunning, especially for those of us from Guernsey who have don’t get to experience quite the extent of countryside as you do here.
Nature – oh yes, nestled in the Somerset countryside (there it is again!) far away from anyone else, you cannot help but connect with nature, what with the birds singing to welcome the morning, the sheep “baa-ing” in the fields, the stunning gardens with the rose arbour and the dappled fissured bark of the waving birch trees, the beautiful sunsets, the stunning views of countryside from the yoga space, the views of the Tor in the distance, the resident horse and little pony, more countryside, the night skies and the morning sunrise. Nature abounds here.
The yoga – it’s a beautiful space with Buddha, Ganesha and Shiva overseeing things, accommodating 11 students, 12 if you fancy a cosy class, so it makes for intimate and personal yoga sessions with lots of one to one attention and a little bit, ok quite a lot, of Reiki in the process! For me it was fab, and I believe the students enjoyed the sessions too, how could you not with the views of that wonderful countryside through the open doors and the sun warming the room!
The food – our very helpful and lovely chef Olga treated us to a veritable feast of yummy vegetarian food both cooked and raw. Having worked for 10 years as the raw food expert at a reputable Spanish yoga centre, she’s passionate about quality vegetarian food using local, fresh and organic produce and it tastes good! The fresh juice each morning was out of this world, so too the home-made granola, the fresh fruit and the home-made almond milk, making breakfast my favourite meal of the day! At lunch we enjoyed falafels, a rocket salad and a home-made tahini dressing. The evening meals involved a red pepper pate and home-made crackers the first night, followed by a yummy Moroccan tagine with prunes and butternut squash served with pomegranate couscous and finished with an almond tart. The last night we enjoyed a tasty lentil and haloumi salad, cauliflower and leek risotto and the most scrummy sugar-free raw lemon cheesecake. Amazing!! Thank you Olga x
The yurts - how can you not love the yurts. Not that we got to stay in one but we’ve reserved one for next time because they looked so cosy and even with the sheep in the neighbouring fields (let’s face it, you could count them if you struggle to sleep!), those who stayed in the yurts slept blissfully. Another one is one its way (but that’s ours next year!).
The house – what a beautiful space, I definitely got house envy! Designed as the dream family home by Sarah and her architect husband 23 years ago and lived in as a family home for many years, Sarah is now slowly turning it into a dedicated yoga retreat centre, and with good reason, its ideal for retreating away from the world and yet retains its home-from-home and rustic feel, which makes it so special and so homely really. You’ll know exactly what I mean when you see the photos, let alone when you walk in the door.
Glastonbury – ok so its not for everyone and there’s a limit to how much time we can spend in the centre without Elijah getting wired on the crazy energy and me getting carried away with crystal shopping and Ewan getting “fed up with the tree hugging hippy fraternity” as he so eloquently puts it (clearly forgetting he works with trees and has a tree hugging hippy girlfriend and son!), but it’s a pretty cool place really and its got some pretty cool crystal shops, a fab health food store and an enchanting Indian shop in town.
Glastonbury Tor – so if you’re into energy and ley lines then you need to get yourself here. Its great, it’s like a pilgrimage for us each time we visit town. Ewan took the group up on Saturday afternoon but I didn’t manage to get there until the Sunday afternoon. On our visit Elijah and I got to witness a ceremony at the top with drumming and a lady’s haunting voice so that we were mesmerised – Ewan sat outside bemoaning the “tree hugging hippy fraternity” of course! It’s been recognised as a holy hill for millennia and the home of the King of the Fairies, you should really head up it if you get the chance, the views are incredible and the energy is something else.
Glastonbury Abbey – we all headed here on the Saturday morning to enjoy the 26 acres of parkland and the peaceful and tranquil ambiance. The Abbey is shrouded in mystery and legend, dating from 1,200 and sitting on one of the oldest Christian sites in England, King Arthur is believed to have been buried here. It certainly has its own special healing energy and is quite some contrast from the energy of the town itself. It certainly complemented the retreat and deserves a picnic next time!
The sunshine – ok so we were just lucky but it was in the mid twenties on the Saturday, blissful in the gardens, what with the Somerset countryside and the birds and the peace and the tranquillity and that lovely yoga space and the food and the house, yes the sunshine just added an additionally lovely element to an already lovely weekend.
Sarah – the property owner, Sarah, who has been teaching yoga for over 20 years, is incredibly welcoming and delighted to be able to share her wonderful home with other yogis and yoginis. She really is a fabulous hostess and Elijah certainly enjoyed helping her out in the garden with his new digger. We’re really grateful that she let us come and stay even though she didn’t know us beforehand. Thank you Sarah x
So its perhaps not surprising that we are already looking forward to returning to Lower Coxbridge House from the 26th to 28th May 2017 for our second Glastonbury yoga retreat. We’re hoping to share the details in the Autumn and as spaces are so limited and as its such a special spot we won’t be taking any provisional bookings, but we’ll let you know when we’re about to release the details.
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