The light of the shadow, delving in

The wheel has to turn but I’m not sure I’m ready for autumn yet; summer has just been too much fun and I’m grateful that the sun continues to shine easing the transition!

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed taking a break from working and spending my time playing with the children instead. We’ve managed our first festival as a family of four in the UK (and finally got to visit the uplifting Stroud) and a camping trip to Sark, plus daily sea swimming, visits to the beach and many Guernsey adventures. 

I’ve also made the most of the extra time to myself to delve a little deeper into the shadows and indulge in some inner healing work - I’ve enjoyed receiving Reiki, massage and a couple of sound baths, and to have the opportunity to practice lots of yoga through Yoga International and at Wilderness too. I’ve also rested to some Yoga Nidra and enjoyed some Vedic chanting too.

This all helped to support the monthly work that I’ve been doing with the wonderful Jo de Diepold Braham. Jo is by far the most intuitive and gifted healer I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. She helps us to see, feel and potentially release the ‘stuff’ that we’re holding in our body and energy field that no longer serves us, and which is potentially (and negatively) impacting on our relationships (with self and other) and in our daily lives.

I’ve also been taking Ayurvedic herbs for a little while now (prescribed by my Ayurvedic doctor), initially focusing on healing the solar plexus following hernia surgery at the end of last year, but continuing on from there (there’s always another layer!). I managed to get to the Ayurvedic clinic for a healing and transformational Pancha Karma session back in March, which resulted in me spending the whole of May consumed by writing, as the old stuff poured out of my solar plexus and onto paper. 

A rather bemused E didn’t see much of me during the month (I don’t think I saw a single friend either, apologies!) as I spent every evening writing, ending up with a whole manuscript. Whether I publish it here or elsewhere remains to be seen, but my solar plexus feels better for it, not so clogged up with all the stuff that I hadn’t been able to digest or process at the time, and that had been weighing me down ever since (it gets awfully tiring dragging our past around with us). 

Despite having worked with Ayurveda for over 12 years now and having undertaken a few Pancha Karmas over that time, I’ve been blown away recently by the healing and transformative nature of the Ayurvedic process. I am reminded that we just never truly know our potential, and that we limit ourselves repeatedly through fear of change and stepping into the unknown (lack of trust and faith essentially).

Shadow work has been the focus these last few months and I’ll admit that this is never easy because we have to come to terms with parts of ourselves that we’ve kept hidden in the dark, those parts we’ve denied and those parts which we have found hard to accept so we pretend that they are not a part of us. Thus the work can get messy, and I’ve certainly shed a few tears and experienced a couple of outbursts of rage and anger as some of the pent up energy has released and things felt like they got worse before they got better, a healing crisis then.

Still, this is all part of the process, and after many years now of working on myself (how indulgent, I know, especially when you think of the Syrian refugees who are merely trying to survive, but that’s a whole other story for another time) and trying to shift old patterns that no longer serve me, and negatively impact on my life and relationship with self, I am aware that you do get to a point where it’s more painful to avoid the pain then to dive head first into it.

It’s important to do this work too. The more we ignore the shadow, the more it plays out in the world, affecting our relationships, not only with others but with our selves. Further, the more fragmented and discontented we feel, the more the world will feel fragmented and disconnected too – we are a reflection of the bigger picture.  Thus I believe that we have a responsibility as citizens of Planet Earth to do what we can to be as whole (all parts in union) and inwardly peaceful as possible so that this is reflected in the outer world too (and positively effecting everyone, including Syrian refugees).

Perhaps this was one of the most revealing aspects of the recent healing work; the recognition that it boils down to loving and accepting the self, because this alone totally shifts our vibration and therefore the vibration of the world (if you’re new to all this, I appreciate this sounds a bit ‘out’ there but have a think about it).

This is not just those aspects of self that we like (that’s the easy bit), but the whole package, allaspects of our self, the good, the bad and the ugly – because let’s face it, it’s only us who define in this way anyway, and that’s on a subjective basis so has no weight. What’s good to one, is bad to another, what’s ugly to one, is beautiful to another and so on.

It’s a sad and dark world we live in though, not least when we become desensitised to the plight of others (think Syrian refugees again) but when we have little respect for the self. I was shocked (and yet not) to recently read that a fifth of 14-year old girls in the UK self-harm. The Children’s Society report (as reported by the BBC) said that gender stereotypes and worries about their looks were contributing to unhappiness and those who felt boys should be tough, and girls should have nice clothes, were least happy with life.

On the one hand it seems utterly crazy to me that at the age of 14, teenagers have already decided that they are not good enough, and that they loathe themselves and their lives to the extent that they will self harm. Yet on the other hand I was only two years older when I also felt a deep loathing for the self. 

I know only too well, therefore, that self loathing messes with your mind and makes you feel pretty crazy fairly much all the time. At itscore it means you don’t really like yourself very much and there’s this voice running through your head constantly telling you that you’re not good enough, that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. The inner critique runs wild; the narrative is always negative. 

You loathe the way you look, loathe the way you feel, loathe your body, feel inadequate and loathe absolutely everything about your life. It’s all consuming and at times terrifying with the manner in which it takes over your life and keeps you shackled, playing over the same story in your mind and creating a life that’s fairly much always hard going and lacks any joy (anxiety and depression go hand in hand).

Like so many of us, the seed of “I’m not good enough” has likely been laid in childhood, and been growing a little ever since.  But now, at the age of 16, after a trigger event where I didn’t get the boy I fancied (the skinny popular girl in our year did instead) it was as if the sun shone brightly on it, and the seed started flourishing.  Within six months I had developed an eating disorder as I attempted to become skinny because maybe then, or so I thought, I might be good enough.

Only that you can never be good enough.  Not really, not once you’ve started playing that silly game. Having an eating disorder is a terrible thing, an extreme expression of self harm.  It is utterly exhausting and all consuming and absolutely never creates the intended result of feeling worthy and liking yourself again.

While 18 and when at university, I started smoking and polluting my body with nicotine and tobacco, another way in which we harm ourselves and create a smokescreen. I also discovered that drinking alcohol helped to quieten the destructive voices and numb the insecure feelings inside, at least while I was drinking. Of course I always felt worse the next day, but the momentary relief was enough to keep me wanting to drink more cider or wine or blue curacao or whatever it may have been at the time.  Smoking pot helped enormously in numbing out too. 

After graduating I returned to Guernsey and fell into my first full time job in the offshore finance industry that I hated from the first day and the self-loathing became even worse, as I tried to fit into a world that didn’t fit me. One night I tried to cut myself. I didn’t like that feeling much, so I hit myself with my fist instead.  I was so full of self loathing that I actually hit myself!  I also hit my head against the wall once too, as if to knock the sense back into it!

Another night I was so repulsed at what I felt was a fat tummy, that I grabbed the flesh and squeezed it together and reached for the scissors and thought that perhaps I’d just cut it off there and then and teach my tummy a lesson. I was acting insane! But actually I was just very depressed and desperately unhappy and loathed myself to the extent that a few years later I actually thought life was no longer worth living. 

There was no where left to go. Fortunately, though, my desperation and the thought of truly ending my life that fateful evening, and my Mum’s intervention, woke me up from my madness of mind. I was desperate, the pain was deep. Fortunately, the magic of the angels ushered yoga into my life shortly afterwards, which truly saved my life as the practice helped me to slowly come to appreciate and accept myself just as I am. 

Of course this process hasn’t happened overnight, it’s ongoing and I shall always be grateful to the practice. Sometimes its difficult to truly know the impact that it has because it’s such an integral part of my life, and I don’t know how life might be without it, nor do I have any intention of finding out as I suspect it would lack a certain strength, nourishment and vibrancy. 

It’s become a cliché recently this whole idea of self care, and rightly so at times because in many circles it’s an opportunity to avoid responsibility, but I do believe that we need to look honestly at the way we are living our lives. We need to figure out what is truly working and what is not working, regardless of what society is telling us and whether it is deemed ‘normal’ or not. We need to care for the self. 

The trouble is, sometimes we blindly follow like sheep even though we know that the current speed of life and the way we exploit Mother Earth is not sustainable and that our lives can become so busy with meaningless distraction (think overworking, too much social media, filling our children’s lives with activities so that we don’t even get to embrace our inner child and play with them) that we forget to care for ourselves – meals become hurried, our yoga practice happens once a month (but in our head it happens regularly) and before we know it we loathe ourselves all over again because we’re totally out of balance and out of synch with nature’s flow. 

It’s hardly surprising that so many suffer with depression and anxiety and as a yoga teacher I see it show up all the time. Still, it came as a bit of a shock recently to talk with a friend and find out that anumber of her twenty-something friends are taking antidepressants to deal with their anxiety and depression.  I had no idea! There’s a whole generation numbing their pain via pharmaceuticals. 

Mind you there’s a whole generation numbing themselves out on alcohol, and a whole other generation numbing out on legal highs, let alone sugar. Numbing out can be subtler than that though.  We can numb out on TV, and on working too much, and on anything that distracts us from ourselves and from our pain, that gives us an excuse to never have to go there, because we’re too busy doing something else. 

I’m not a fan of ‘blame’, but I do feel that the media hasn’t done humanity any favours in giving us the idea that life has to look a certain way, or that we, as people, need to physically look a certain way. As if to prove this (as I was mulling it over), I recently came across a podcast interview with Jameela Jamil which really caught my attention (what an incredible lady she is by the way!

I’m a company secretary by profession so I tried to transcribe a part of what she said but there’s value in listening to the whole recording - https://www.channel4.com/news/ways-to-change-the-world-jameela-jamil):

“I had an eating disorder. I didn’t eat a meal between the ages of 14 and 17. I didn’t menstruate for three years because I was starving myself to fit into an ideal... I had all these different talents and gifts none of which I thought were important, none of which I remotely cared about because I felt that I would never be good enough unless I weighed six and a half stone.  

I was bombarded with a narrative that had no alternative. There were never any women who were celebrated for their intellect. They’re not given any attention in the Press. I wasn’t reading about wonderful astronauts or great scientists or musicians. I was just seeing highly sexualised popstars who were very, very skinny on my TV. Or I was seeing skeletal actresses who were obsessively…their weight was obsessively spoken about. And all of my magazines were selling weight loss products or telling me to be thin otherwise I wasn’t worth anything”. 

It’s so true, that so many feel a deep sense of dissatisfaction with them selves simply because they are comparing themselves with the media’s superficial and warped perception of what it means to be to good enough. Furthermore, there is this underlying idea that we must continuously seek perfection, whatever that means, as if we need to embody our own utopia, which of course never truly exists, it’s just a concept in our heads that can create so much inner disharmony and dissatisfaction.

A few week’s ago I was swimming far out from shore on my own at high tide at Petit Bot, and I looked back at the beautiful Guernsey south coast cliffs and just thought, “Wow! This landscape is stunning, absolute stunning!”.  I was so moved by the moment and the beauty of it all that I couldn’t resist literally shouting out, “You’re so beautiful” to the cliffs, to the land, to the sea, to the sun, to the rocks as I tried to soak it all in! 

I thought to myself, “That cliff over there, it doesn’t question its beauty, doesn’t give itself a hard time, just is what it is, it’s accepting of its everything”. This made me think again how crazy we are, to give ourselves a hard time for being anything other than just ourselves, fully accepting of all aspects of ourselves, even those bits that we’ve decided that we don’t like for whatever reason.

All this conditioning, so much of it so insidious in our society and culture that we are unconscious of it, lurks in the shadows shaping our reality as we play out the unconscious time and time again. It’s often subtle and yet sometimes not so subtle too. It’s always so much easier to see it in someone else than in ourselves.

That’s the joy of this work though, because we start to see the mirrors all around us, in those with whom we come into contact – especially those who we find challenging, who mirror back to us some unresolved side to ourselves. Irritated by your princess friend? Yep, then perhaps you’re a princess too, but don’t recognise it because it’s not a side of you that you’re comfortable accepting, ‘better’ to think of yourself as humble and without needing attention, less ego then right?!

Shadow work may be tough, but it’s also very enlightening (you’re bringing in the light) and amazingly liberating because all of a sudden (once you’ve done the integration), you stop pretending to be someone that you’re not. You don’t need to say ‘yes’ when really you want to say ‘no’, Your boundaries become tighter and you’re OK being all the things you didn’t think you were. 

Inevitably things will shift for you and perhaps relationships that once resonated won’t resonate any more as the dynamics change and you stand firmer in your sense of self.  You’re less likely to give yourself away, and less likely to give yourself such a hard time – or at least you might catch yourself when you’re triggered and about to give yourself a hard time. It’s all good and it’s all a process, a never ending one I suspect, as we do our bit to step further into authenticity and cut the cr@p!

This is one of the many reasons I love yoga, not least because a regular and dedicated practice will help to make us stronger, more flexible and more balanced in body and mind, but it will also help us to develop a healthier relationship with self. The practice will also allow us to sit with our pain and allow it to transform into something that no longer has a hold over us. 

We need to learn to love ourselves, however tough that might be, because maybe then, the world will finally start to be a more loving place for everyone to live.  It may also help the younger generation to stop harming themselves, and start to recognise their beauty –there is beauty in everything!

So remember that there’s always a bigger picture to all you do in your lives. You’re not just practicing yoga for yourself, for example, and while I joke about healing work being indulgent, this is merely because I think of all those who don’t have the space/money/time/support to do this, but therefore it becomes even more important for those who can, because it does make a difference to the bigger picture of life. 

What we do does have an impact on others and please never forget that.  If you’re reading this, then it’s likely you already recognise this, or maybe you’re just starting out and will always remember this.  We need to heal ourselves to heal the world, the more we do the inner work the more the outer world benefits. 

Have a fabulous end of summer and beginning to autumn, the wheel is turning and we’ll soon be retreating further into the darkness!

Holding space - the magic that is Ed Sheeran!

I attended Ed Sheeran's concert in Wembley on Thursday evening with my Dad. I wasn't sure it was for me as he's so "main stream" but it was AMAZING! It was also deeply inspiring as I watched and indeed felt him hold space for 85 thousand people.

I sat there, with Dad beside me, contemplating this, and the clouds above, and the energy in that stadium all evening. I'm not sure I was always entirely present to the music, as I felt into the whole experience and thought about what I was learning.

Ed kept going on about joining him in singing however bad your voice, and dancing however self conscious you may feel, and I watched as slowly around me, one by one people started to find their voices and their feet.

When it came to the penultimate song, I looked up to find my Dad on his feet dancing and singing. Then the last song was played and before I knew it, I was also on my feet dancing and singing at the top of my voice.  The whole stadium was dancing and singing and there was an incredible energy of loveliness pervading the space. I couldn't quite believe it!

Ed is very ordinary, totally authentic and very gifted. He naturally held space, him and his guitar, all on his own for a whole two hour set for 85 thousand people.  That's quite some feat.

Holding space is something that fascinates me.  How we can bring people together and something happens energetically, and someone often holds it so that this can happen.

We are all of us connected in a field of energy - us, the trees, the stones, the plants, the cats and the bird. Our every action has a consequence and will affect someone or something somewhere.

When we come together in space, something magical can happen, depending on the energy created.  

When women come together in circle, to talk or to practice yoga then something magical can happen.

When people come together on a yoga retreat to practice yoga, then if that space is held well, magical things can happen.

When a gifted singer takes to Wembley and is himself in front of 85 thousand people, sharing his  talent and gift with the world, then magical things happen.

The heart opens.

Ed Sheeran helped to open hearts. And as each of our hearts opened, so the energy of the art grew stronger in the auditorium and all of a sudden magical things started to happen.  The clouds looked like hearts as if they were awoken too.  People smiled and laughed and were considerate of one another and I felt an overwhelming sense of love for mankind, all will be well in the end.

In that moment it seemed so simple to me, and I thought that really, it is just a question of being real, and sharing whatever it is we have in our hearts to share with the world, because us sharing a bit of our heart will touch the hearts of others, so one by one we each awaken and the whole world becomes an increasing unified field of love, like a force field, spreading out.

Ed Sheeran, I aspire to hold space like you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart to your heart for the manner in which it touches lives.

With gratitude.

Returning to Avalon, the home of the Goddess

I struggle to find the words to explain how it feels when I see the sign to tell us that we are back again in Avalon, Glastonbury.  Just like I struggle to find the words to explain how it feels to stay at Lower Coxbridge House, three miles from Glastonbury.

There are many special places that I have  had the grace and fortune to experience in this lifetime, and both Glastonbury and Lower Coxbridge House are two very special ones for me.

For me, there's nothing more magical than practising yoga outside on the Earth in view of Glastonbury Tor, or lying on the bed in the yurt and looking through the open door to that magical view.

I don't know what it is about the Tor but it mesmerises me.  I watch it endlessly.  In the early morning I see it rising through the mist, the mist of Avalon.  In the day time, I stare at it, noticing how it changes with the changing light.  

In the evening I can barely keep my eyes off it as the sun sets to its left side, the sky lit up with oranges, purples and reds. In the middle of the night when I go to pee in the field, I am mesmerised again as I can see the gentle crescent of the new moon glowing in the sky to the left of the Tor, and the stars shining brightly overhead.

These are the moments when I feel I may have died and gone to heaven.  Let alone the moments  when I'm the only one awake, sitting writing in the early morning light, enjoying the birds' morning choruses and watching as one or two of them flutter around collecting material for their nests.

Then there's the moments when the children run wild with the freedom of this beautiful place, wired into the late evening as it must surely be located on a special energy line that heals and energises.

I am energised beyond belief.

It's a big deal sometimes to run a retreat with two small children who don't like to sleep, one of them hanging off any breast at any available opportunity.  But there is something about Lower Coxbridge House and Glastonbury that sustains me, all of us really. 

The yoga practiced in this space of healing energy is a joy. The place holds space all on its own and further sustains me. 

The beautiful healthy vegetarian food prepared and cooked with love by Olga sustains us all.

Glastonbury is the heart chakra of the world and my heart is always opened when I come here, as if it is the place that gives, and gives and gives.

It is also the home of the Goddess and certainly the Goddess within awakens a little more on each visitation. I can feel her. She's everywhere. It's hardly surprising that so many women flock here.

We trekked up the Tor and wound our way back down, this was metaphoric on some level, as we felt the energy shift into a gentler pace, and we spotted the line to Lower Coxbridge House.  

In Chalice Wells we drank the iron water and were treated to the beautiful sound of the vibrationally-aligned-heart crystal singing bowl of the beautiful soul who played her so beautifully by the open well. Even Eben was quiet for a good few minutes before he started shouting and was whisked away by E because this is a place of peace and tranquility,

This was actually the most stressful part of the weekend - my children running riot in Chalice Wells and being aware of the disapproving stares of those adults who had come to experience the quiet. We took them out as soon as we could and I carried Elijah with me to the White Spring, which he has grown to endure!

It's a cavern of darkness, as if retreating into the very womb of Avalon, and a relief from the early afternoon bright sunshine. Chris and I dipped naked in the cool and cleansing waters of the White Spring, revitalised and bonded by the experience.  I love this place for its quirkiness and for helping us step outside the comfort zone.  

The heart-singing-bowl lady was playing here too, her voice bringing shivers to my spine.  Not so to Elijah, who was keen to leave at this point!

We visited the Goddess Temple too, Elijah and I lighting a candle and making wishes. We visited the beautiful Abbey as well and I stood on the bleeding stone, wishing it was more obvious to the public - let's not be shamed by bleeding! There's so much power in giving our blood back to the Earth.

I did a lot of shopping too. For Goddesses and crystals and wands and chocolate brownies. Glastonbury is abundant in all of these amazing things. Bless E for being so patient throughout!

I could go on.  But really you have to come to this place for yourself.  If you are feeling the calling, then answer it.  there is something deeply profound about this place...but you need time to dig down to its depths...and still I have some digging to do because as I said earlier, it just keeps giving and giving.

With a deep bow of gratitude to the Goddesses who joined me to make the retreat possible and for their sharing and energy, to Olga and Sarah for their magic and to E and the boys for enabling this all to happen, and to my Mum and Dad for doing all our washing and preparing dinner for the boys so I could dash off to teach within an hour of our return to Guernsey...and to Lower Coxbridge House and Glastonbury, may you continue to light the lives of many.

x

Guernsey has truly awakened!

I love Guernsey, I've always loved Guernsey, it's an amazing place to live, but this last year it's just become even more amazing than it's always been.

It's said that Glastonbury is the heart chakra of the world, Mount Kailish in Tibet is the crown chakra and Ayres Rock in Australia is the solar plexus.  There are minor chakras too and a star seed intuitive I spoke with in the US also believed (as do I) that Guernsey is one of these - Byron Bay too.

Guernsey has certainly awakened in recent years and especially during 2017 - I suspect it was all that light coming in, it has propelled people forward and helped them to awaken a little to their own light.  Never have I known so many people practicing yoga or being drawn to learn Reiki, and there are now a plethora of nutritional therapists, life coaches and holistic practitioners. It's incredible, it really is a healing Island!

There's been a re-wilding too as increasing numbers take to the sea for all year around swimming.  Ewan and I have been swimming all year around for a few years now - I started when I was suffering with a bout of depression, due to adrenal fatigue, and it has such a positive effect on me that I haven't stopped since. 

Others have since realised the benefits - helped I'm sure by the 30 bays in 30 days charity campaign and the Cheshire Homes Boxing Day swim and in the last few months I've met many new friends through swimming thanks to a WhatsApp group set up by one my original swimming friends. It's been brilliant, to have the opportunity to swim with other like minded souls, many of whom practice yoga, and to enjoy the great outdoors together, especially the moon!

Even the moon and it's effect on us is being more recognised and accepted these days. In yoga people don't seem so threatened by it and welcome it in, the fortnightly shifting energies and the opportunity this presents for forgiveness, gratitude, letting go and letting in - certainly the Sunday classes have always encouraged this awareness. 

There's been an awakening on Facebook too, although I'm always a little cynical. I'm not so keen on the need for labels whether that be 'conscious' or 'lightwkrker' or whatever it is.  We're all conscious light workers in our own ways, even if we don't realise it - and probably it's in the un-realising of it that we keep a part of ourselves in the shadows.

It's the shadows that truly help us to awaken.  The more we shine the light on those dark places within us, the more we can begin to realise our true potential in this lifetime. Talking about being conscious, or intellectualising it, or trying to join groups that claim to be more conscious, doesn't actually make us any more conscious than anyone else. It just means we get better at talking about it!

Really we need to be doing the inner work, the nitty gritty, getting stuck into it, shining lights on the shadows, coming out of our denial and become a clearer and higher vibratory channel as a consequence. It's then that the world will begin to change. It's a cliche I know, but we really do need to be the change we want to see in the world.

If we want to see a kinder world, then we need to be kinder to ourselves and to everyone else with whom we interact in our daily lives. My family provide me with many opportunities to become a better person.  I hear myself telling my boys to be kinder to one another, and then I might hear the words and tone I'm using and consider that maybe I could be kinder too!

The Universe is constantly trying to help us in our quest to be better people. There are mirrors everywhere. People do things that we don't like and we might catch ourselves complaining about them, only to then consider that perhaps they're a reflection of us - we do those things too, just it's so much easier to judge others for their shortfalls (in our opinion) than see this in ourselves!

Anyhow I digress.  I'm just excited.  Guernsey is a such a marvellous place and I feel very lucky to live here and to have my lovely sea swimming ladies and all these magical people drawn to the Island for their own healing and to help to heal others with their wonderful offerings. And this is before I've even gotten started on all the ancient monuments we have over here, the standing stones and the energy...more on that another time...

With gratitude. xxx

Crystals - the best Christmas present ever!

Crystals

Crystals are powerful healing tools; they can help with physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health; and they can help you and your family sleep better, amplify your healing power, and assist you in feeling calm, balanced and peaceful.

Crystals are a gift from Mother Earth to amplify the power of love and light and have been used for healing since before Egyptian times.

Although they may seem like inert objects crystals are very much alive, they are both filled with energy and are conduits of energy – that is one of the reasons crystals are used in watches, radios and modern medical devices.

We live in a world of constant vibration, intelligent vibration actually, because everything that exists is really energy information, or energy in-formation – vibration. These vibrations form matter, substance or intangible things. 

The key frequency of vibration of an object, a person, a plant or an animal etc. is known as its resonant frequency.  Like you and I, crystals also have their own resonant frequency. This is the reason that we are drawn to a particular crystal more than another – a bit like we are drawn to one person more than another!

Choosing crystals

I find that crystals tend to choose us as much as we choose them. They stand out to us when we see them, or we put our hand into a bowl of crystals and one feels good in our hand.

I believe that you intuitively know the crystal that is meant for you at any particular time. It comes into your life!

Sometimes crystals are with you for a whole lifetime.  But other times you also get a sense when it’s time to let a crystal go and pass it on to someone else. Sometimes they just disappear out of your life. It’s a bit like that saying, “people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”, it’s the same with crystals!

Choosing crystals for friends is fairly much the same – you just have a sense that your friend needs the one to which you are drawn when thinking about him/her. I like to buy my friends crystals and just go with what I’m drawn to, even if it’s not something I’d usually consciously choose for that person. It always has an appropriate meaning for that person.

Cleansing/energising crystals

Crystals often attract all kinds of energy vibrations both negative and positive.  Remember that your crystal may have travelled many thousands of miles and been handled by many people before you received it.  Therefore, your crystal may have acquired some negative energies and it is important to cleanse it before you use it.

There are serval ways you can cleanse crystals including the following:

• Putting them in the garden under the light of the full moon (this is my favourite way);

• Putting them in sea salt or a natural water source (sea, stream, river);

• Burying them in the earth;

• Placing them in sunlight;

• Holding them in your hand and setting your intention that they be cleansed by Reiki.

More about crystal properties and working with them next...xx

Changing the mind!

It has to be said that that was a very tricky moon cycle, between swimming in the pool under the light of the-almost-peaking full moon on Friday 3 November 2017 in Goa, and the full moon that I celebrated in the dark and cold here in Guernsey on Saturday 2 December 2017. 

The wheels fell off for a time. We invited Shiva into our lives in Goa so I shouldn't have been surprised. India alone will bring you to your knees, but Shiva, well he's something else.  I knew there was a reason I needed to invest in a little statue of Ganesha, remover of obstacles, before I left Goa. He's been a central part of my Altar this last month!

Things need to fall apart so that we can grow, at least spiritually, but it's a tough process to go through.  I questioned every aspect of my life wondering what needed to change, what I no longer needed and what had to stay.  Of course I knew deep down that it wasn't about changing the external, but I was trying to maintain some control...the ego likes control. It makes us feel safe.

But I wasn't feeling so safe and with my right ear deaf for a good month, I've had to be honest about what I'm not listening to. Ah yes.

The healing came as it does.  The anger, the fury, the tears, the everything that we need to go through to reach our bottom where we finally surrender and let go.

That's where the magic lies. In the letting go. Because only then does grace enter in and all is revealed, as if emerging from the fog.  I felt foggy that's for sure, being partially deaf does that to you, and blocked sinuses that make it difficult to think clearly, and the extreme tiredness post long haul travel with children who take time to adjust to the time difference and a partner who's sick from the flight. 

It's not easy feeling so raw and vulnerable and wondering where it all went so wrong. Of course it never did go wrong, it's just about perception and realising that it's time to transition from one way of being to another.  The dream has shifted - it's no longer just my dream, my life, now part of  family, and with that priorities change.

Essentially the mind changes.  That's where the pain comes in. Changing my mind. Becoming more aligned. There's a poetic rhyme to it. And it is poetry really, the rawness of it.

I read probably one of the most poetic books I've read in a long time, "When breath becomes air" by Paul Kalanithi, which is nothing short of genius. An amazing book and an inspired mind and heart, that man. This lead me to read Henry Marsh's "Do no Harm".  There was a theme here, brain surgery, death and meaning in life.

It's been a heavy month! But I've learned more about the brain, about the mind, about faith and spirit and the ego and about the manner in which life unfolds, how it changes. 

I've recognised that it was my mind that needed to change, not the external of my life, but the internal tapestry that gives rise to a change on the outside. There was no effort required either, it was just about going through the process. Being present. Sitting with the pain (of change) and listening to the body as it communicated it's needs.    

The mind resides everywhere, not just in the brain. It fascinates me. My mind. Everyone's minds. Changing minds.  It's all there.

We make changes on the inside, often having to do a complete turn-around in how we believed things to be, so that we see things completely differently - the pre-school I didn't think I liked, becomes the place that actually I really love, the place I didn't ant to visit on holiday becomes the very place I now long to go, then person I didn't initially like on meeting is now my close friend.  

Everything I resist persists and becomes an integral part of my life.  So there's something to look out for. Resistance. It's often the very thing we need.

So once the mind changes, the inner world changes, then the outer world changes too. Not hugely necessarily, it all looks the same but it feels very different, more aligned, heartfelt and joyful.  It feels right somehow. 

It was a joy therefore to teach the waning moon and for everything to settle.  Shiva worked his magic, destroyed so that life could be re-created. I'm just grateful for the practice, for the mat beneath me, that space, for the breath and the Yoga Nidra and for the light of the candle reminding me to keep heading towards the light, the heart the truth.

Changing minds is never easy but it's essential too.

With love and gratitude. 

x

The Joy of Yoga Nidra

Today I came across an article I wrote a while ago now for a Yoga magazine on the joys of Yoga Nidra.  I still thoroughly enjoy Yoga Nidra and have spent this year undertaking a foundation course on it.  This has meant I've practiced a lot of Yoga Nidra in all different formats and from different traditions this past year too, which has really helped me with the post-natal exhaustion.

I've also found that Yoga Nidra has helped to me to connect more deeply with my creativity, I've been writing a lot! I've also re-discovered a love of painting and have more creative ideas than I may have done previously.

Everyone should practice Yoga Nidra!  This is one of the reasons I incorporate Yoga Nidra into all of my retreats and ensure that we finish the Sunday morning Yoni Yoga class with one.  Bliss!!

If you'd like to know more then keep reading:

When I initially started practicing Yoga almost 10 years ago now, I simply could not relax.  It was impossible.  At the end of the Yoga class when the teacher announced Savasana, I would try and find any possible excuse to leave the class early so that I could avoid the last few minutes of relaxation. 

It was not so much that I was adverse to the idea of relaxation per se, it was more so that I found relaxing so mentally uncomfortable.  There were simply too many thoughts, too many tick lists, too many things I should be doing, rather than simply lying there on the floor trying to relax.

When I first ventured out to Byron Bay in Australia to immerse myself in Yoga a year into my practice, I shall never forget my first 2 hour Yoga session (the normal length of the classes out there at that time).  While I loved every single minute of the asana practice, the problem came, however, with a 20 whole minutes of quiet relaxation at the end of the class.  Proper quiet that is, with no music, no distraction, nothing.  Those were the longest 20 minutes of my life, or so it seemed in that moment!

Still with me attending these 2 hour sessions once or twice a day every day for a month and unable to leave the class early (many teachers will understandably discourage you from doing so), I quickly developed my own way of dealing with the mental chatter.  I imagined in my mind a train line with open trucks in which I placed each of my thoughts and then watched them pass by, one after the other, until I was able, eventually, to experience some relief from the constant background mental chatter.

Over the next year I practiced a lot of Yoga as I developed my practice both on and off the mat, qualifying as a Yoga teacher in the process.  My ability to relax improved hugely, but it wasn’t until I assisted on a teacher training course at Govinda Valley, Sydney that I discovered the joy and indeed benefit of Yoga Nidra. The relaxation became something I enjoyed rather than something that I endured at the end of a Yoga class.

I can still remember the experience of that first Yoga Nidra clearly.  There we were, the whole class of students, lying comfortably in the corpse pose, a bolster under knees and a blanket covering each of us to keep us warm as the teacher’s gentle voice soothed us into a state of cosy bliss as we relaxed each part of our body part by part, experiencing sensations and bringing awareness to the natural breath; it was a journey like no other I had experienced previously.

Time lost all meaning, what was actually 30 minutes felt like 5, and before I knew it we were back in the room, on our mats, in our bodies, feeling much more centred and grounded than I had felt at the beginning of the class.  What was also noticeable was the fact the mental chatter had eased, I had managed to drift beyond it into that wonderful state of being between being awake and asleep, the hypnotic state, where real healing takes place.  I felt brighter, lighter, rested and renewed. 

Essentially Yoga Nidra is a powerful meditation technique inducing complete physical, emotional and mental relaxation.   During Yoga Nidra one appears to be asleep but the consciousness is functioning at a deeper level of awareness so that you are prompted throughout the practice to say to yourself mentally, “I shall not sleep, I shall remain awake”.

Before beginning Yoga Nidra you make a Sankalpa, or a resolution for the practice.  The Sankalpa is an important stage of Yoga Nidra as it plants a seed in the mind encouraging healing and transformation in a positive direction.  The Sankapla is a short positive mental statement established at the beginning of the practice and said mentally to yourself in the present tense, as if it had already happened, such as “I am happy, healthy and pure light”, or “I am whole and healed”.

A Sankalpa can also be used to encourage you to let go of something in your life like smoking or overeating, focusing on the underlying feeling that leads you to smoke or to overeat such as “I love and care for myself and my body”, or “I choose to eat foods that support my health and wellbeing” or “I am relaxed and contented”.    In fact simply having the opportunity to establish a Sankalpa is powerful in itself as it gives you a focus and enhances your awareness of self.

It is actually in connecting with yourself that you come to realise all the deep seated tensions that Yoga Nidra helps you to release.  These are all the unconscious and unresolved issues that are playing a role in some of the unwanted habits and behaviour patterns you are noticing consciously.  This is the stuff that goes through your mind time and time again, the stuff you resolve to change at the beginning of each year but that “will” alone will not change.  What you need to do is get to the root of the problem and Yoga Nidra provides you with a means to do this.

With all the letting go of this “stuff”, such as trapped emotions and feelings, you become lighter and there is more energy available to be used in a more positive manner.  Plus with the power of intention in the form of Sankalpa, that which we attract into our life also changes.  It is in this way that Yoga Nidra offers us so much potential for transforming our lives in an even more positive direction than we can ever imagine.

Of course let us not forget the physiological benefits too, such as lowering of the heart rate and blood pressure, the release of lactate from the muscles that can cause anxiety and fatigue, a more restful night’s sleep and, ultimately, a calming and unwinding of the nervous system, which is basically the foundation of the body’s wellbeing.  So you see our physical health and sense of wellbeing can improve too.

Over the years Yoga Nidra has helped me in so many ways.  At times of crisis, when I have been tired and exhausted, sick and stressed, it has helped to restore, renew and heal me.  At confused times in my life when I have been unclear of the way forward then it has provided me with much needed clarity.  At other times it has helped me to let go of unhealthy addictions and behaviour patterns, the most profound was changing my relationship to myself and therefore enabling me to effortlessly let go of the need to smoke tobacco after so many years of battling with this nicotine addiction.

These days relaxation comes easily to me and I positively seek out and embrace any opportunity for Yoga Nidra for it is just such an amazing practice. In this stressful and fast paced world we live, where we can feel so disorientated and fragmented, it really helps to bring us back together and connect with ourselves again. Needless to say, I cannot promote the benefits of Yoga Nidra to you enough. But of course you cannot benefit from merely intellectualising these things, and reading about it will not necessarily change things.  What you really need to do is make a commitment to take the time out for yourself.  Lie comfortably, cover yourself with a blanket, close your eyes and allow yourself to be guided through a Yoga Nidra session.  I doubt you will regret it, in fact you may find it a life changing experience.

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

I attended my second yoga class since Eben was born. What a joy! I practice yoga on my mat every day on my own and sometimes I practice along to YouTube yoga videos (Adrienne is a particular favourite) but there’s nothing quite as wonderful as attending a class. It’s a passion of mine.

I love nothing more than joining other yogis and yoginis in a dedicated yoga space to practice together. And I love a good teacher who is able to guide me to a deeper awareness of being. So I was in my yoga heaven yesterday when I joined Kevin and the Saturday morning class at the Brighton Buddhist Centre.

In the peaceful environment of the yoga space, I quickly became aware of the hectic nature of my mind. It’s easier to overlook this in one’s own practice, sometimes merely going through the motions and often increasing the pace to meet the mind rather than slowing down to try and tame the mind.

My mind was in overdrive. Within the first few minutes of movement, I noticed my mind thinking about a forthcoming Reiki attunement session and planning the food I should prepare for this and putting together a list of ingredients. I caught myself as I drifted into Waitrose and down the aisles, identifying the location of the ingredients I will need to buy.

I had a good laugh at myself. I may well have been physically present on my yoga mat in Brighton but my mind was in the future in a shop in Guernsey. As for my spirit? I knew it was there but my mind was too noisy to hear it. Before I knew it, I’d drifted from Waitrose to Infinity Foods in Brighton as I planned the food I was going to buy after the class.

I laughed again and brought my awareness back to the moment and back to the breath coming in and out, ujjayi breath, steadying, centring and calming. From the breath my awareness moved to sensation in the body to further ground me in the present. I was aware how it felt to move into Downward Facing dog and from there the relief of resting in Pose of a Child.

It was a wonderful feeling really. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. The thoughts kept coming but I was more aware of not becoming engaged with them and just noticing them instead.  This was easier at times than others, because sometimes the thoughts drag you in.

In yoga, we talk of cultivating equanimity, of being able to ‘stand in the middle of all this’, of being grounded, sane and ordinary. It’s about noticing how our mind works and getting familiar with it, recognising the hooks, the temptations, the things that drag you in. I was certainly noticing this during the class, it was much more apparent probably because I haven’t been to a class for a while now.

The practice offers us the opportunity to see what’s happening without getting hooked, without having a drama, noticing that everything arises, abides and dissolves. I love that we can embody this in our yoga practice. We inhale and arise into a pose, we stay abiding in that pose and then we exhale, dissolving out of the pose.  And in this whole process we have the opportunity to learn how our mind works, and to get more familiar with it.

Yoga is amazing for many reasons, but especially as it offers us the opportunity to train the mind. This does involve some effort, as it can be hard work to let go of the seductive thoughts, the thinking that throws us off centre and draws us in. It’s a constant practice to keep coming back to the breath, to notice that you are thinking, and being able to resist going after the thoughts, which, like our asana practice, arise, abide and dissolve.

Only that sometimes – well actually quite a lot sometimes – we abide within the thoughts.  And our thoughts give rise to behaviour patterns and beliefs that shape our life.  We create our reality by our thinking. In simplistic terms this means that if we have negative thoughts then we are more likely to have a negative experience and a negative perception of life. Our thinking affects our biochemistry so negative thinking can create dis-ease.

Our yoga practice offers us the opportunity to not only move the body and breathe but also to witness our thoughts as they arise, abide and dissolve, strengthening our mind in the process. Furthermore, it can provide us with the opportunity to notice the nature of the thinking.  How is it for us? Has the habitual thinking given rise to a negative behaviour pattern or to a belief which is no longer serving us? Are we fearful or anxious? Are we constantly giving ourselves a hard time?

Often these patterns are laid down in childhood and we don’t question them, just considering that that is how it is – inherited as they’ve been from society, culture and our parents. We forget that everything is impermanent, that life is not linear. Instead it’s full of movement, fluidity and potential. We just have to recognise the nature of our thinking and not get stuck in our thinking patterns!

I remind myself of this as we practice a number of asana, to notice my habitual way of thinking and it’s liberating.  To be able to stand back and notice the arising thoughts, allowing them to abide and then dissolve, they’re not me!

With that I feel lighter, not least physically but also mentally.  There is a pause between thoughts, a silence.  I long for more of those silences. Those liminal spaces. That gap between the inhalation and the exhalation and between the exhalation and the inhalation. That space where magic happens. That’s the reason I also love Yoga Nidra, it’s full of liminal spaces.

After the class I headed to a crystal shop and chose a Goddess card before having my tarot cards read by a beautiful lady called Nina. Both of them told me what I’d already realised.  It’s time to retreat to silence and calm the mind. It’s true what they say, that we teach that which we most need to learn, but that makes sense doesn’t it, otherwise how would we know.

The effects of the class continued into the day.  I kept catching myself when the hooks presented themselves. The victim/martyr archetype kept showing up and I had to reel myself back from getting hooked. It is what it is. We create our own reality. Equanimity. It’s a life long practice, of arising, abiding and dissolving, taking it all very lightly and questioning the thinking!