A celebration of moving with lightness

We’re waxing down to the dark moon in a few day’s time and don’t I know it! I haven’t read too much about this new moon yet but what I did read confirmed to me that yes, this is a heavy one. In truth it feels like they’ve all been heavy this year, it is a heavy year, and from what I gather it’s not going to get any lighter just soon.

If ever we need to be reminded that we live in a world of uncertainty then this year proves it and as much as I might try to create some certainty in my life, arranging retreats and workshops in advance, I know that the arranging alone does not make them certain.

The practice, the yoga practice, the chanting practice, the reading of the ancient texts, the listening to the Sri Lankan monks, the Reiki, all of this, well it changes things. Everything changes. I was reading a lovely blog post about this yesterday and quoted from it in class. Even one yoga class will change us in some way, how can it not. But being changed is not easy because always we have to let go of our idea of how life should be lived and who we are, beyond the stories, narratives and titles we use to define ourselves.

I’ve not found that easy this year. I feel almost as if the roots have been lifted, my very foundations shaken as I have repeatedly questioned who I am and what exactly I’m practising and teaching, let alone how I’m living and how much of this is from my conditioning - most of it! On the one hand this is deeply liberating. but on the other it is very shaky and very unstable because I have to find a new way to be that might be more aligned, not just in terms of relationship with self but relationship with society too. The latter is almost trickier than the former.

I feel that each moon cycle has ramped this up a little, shone more lights into those places that I haven’t been able to see previously and there has been very little let up from one shift to another, one pattern showing up to another and all so much woven together.

There was a respite for a night spent on Sark, requested by my eldest for his birthday, his soul needing the peace as much as my own. It was magical as always, Sark air, the most incredible night sky and the rising half moon, cycling, no cars, peace, glorious peace and good friends to sit and chat with, a beach to ourselves to potter and swim. I died and went to heaven all in this lifetime.

There as a definite case of Sark blues returning back and into the thick of other people’s dramas and neuroses because we are all of us being squeezed.

I found my mat with renewed need today, and found my breath and a long yoga nidra. There was mediation and self Reiki later, and a need to come back to the texts, to something grounding. Then I thought maybe what I needed was to watch some yoga practised and I found this most beautiful video, which has warmed my heart and fed my soul and sorry if that sounds’s gooey but it was much needed and worked a treat - look at it, just BEAUTIFUL!!! It reminds me that it is worth it. The going against the flow, the doing things differently and all because my heart said so.

If your heart is saying so too then you’ll know that it’s not easy and that there are days when you just want to stay in bed and be done with it, when you might just throw your hands in the air and say that you’re done with it and join the treadmill again. But other days, when you are not so weary, when your children have slept and are not draining all your patience and energy and you are feeling inspired, that you don’t doubt it.

I don’t ever really doubt it, I just become tired by the challenges to almost help me deepen my faith in it. Then I’ll watch a video like that, or I’ll read this extract and I’ll feel strengthened by it, a bit like an angel card that says it exactly as you feel it, as if the universe really is able to commune with you, and it is, it is, it is. There is no such thing as a coincidence, the signs are everywhere, we’ve just got to open ourselves up to it:

“Freedom from the Known is one of Krishnamurti's most accessible works. Here, he reveals how we can free ourselves radically and immediately from the tyranny of the expected. By changing ourselves, we can alter the structure of society and our relationships. The vital need for change and the recognition of its very possibility form an essential part of this important book's message.”

I might just have stumbled across this book at just the right time, and what fascinates me the most is the fact I have finally stumbled across it, because Krishnamurti has been mentioned to me many times previously but all of a sudden tonight from nowhere, yet from a place of longing for something to shine a light, I find his name popping into my head and then I find my way to this book and this quote that means so much already. What force does that? Brings us to that which we need to connect? It’s not gravity and it’s not magnetism, so what is it, love? Divine? It’s amazing whatever it is.

So this is the video that I was watching that was like a light and gives me more strength to continue in the direction that my self practice has been taking me, with a little more lightness…and shining a light on those aspects of self that struggle with this, the linear, masculine and will based parts of me that have been so used to pushing my life forward over the years, of always trying my hardest to achieve come what may…come what may?! I’m pretty sure there’s a more gentle way. I see it in this lady’s practice and it inspires me on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvSBeujJKAo

Peace. That’s the word that keeps coming to me. Our inner peace. Reconciling all aspects of self, the right, the left, the active, the passive, the achiever and the complacent, the being in the middle of it all, the unknown and being OK with that. I’m pretty sure that the more lightness we can find in our movement on our mats, the less certain we are of form and more we allow the body it’s own beautiful expression, the more too our lives will be shaped by that lightness.

Enjoy the squeeze of the dark moon and her insights, and the new moon lightness that should follow…

xx

Having a float!

I went for a float on Sunday. I’d been told about float rooms a few years ago from a friend who swore by floating, finding it both extremely relaxing and enlightening, so it’d been on my mind. I’d heard along the grapevine that one had opened on Guernsey but I hadn’t gotten as far as booking in.

Then a pregnant friend mentioned she’d been and knowing we share a mutual love of baths she suggested that I go along and give it a try. So I did! And I have to say it was a really enjoyable, relaxing and, to a certain extent, enlightening experience.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, and was pleasantly surprised to find a very welcoming Dave and a very clean room with a lovely energy, safe and protected from the outside world!

Dave explained the process, how he would leave me on my own in the secure space so I could undress (you can wear a bather if you choose), put in the ear plugs before showering using products provided (faith in nature) and applying Vaseline to any open cuts (as these would sting otherwise!). I was then to ease myself directly from the shower into the float tank, which is little more like a wide and shallow bath, not the tank I had in mind fortunately! It has an emergency button if you need help at any point!

The room was dimply lit and I chose ‘ocean wave’ music to be played gently in the background throughout the session. Dave had warned me that initially some of his friends had experienced a sore neck after floating as they had been unable to fully relax their neck and let their head be held by the extremely high salt content of the tank (dead sea salts from Israel), which enabled the body to float. 

I’m pleased he had warned me of this because I quickly noticed that I was unable to relax my neck, there was something within me stopping me doing it. I tried to talk myself into it, asking my neck to relax but for some reason, it was holding on tight. It made no sense because I could feel that the salt content was holding me afloat, my head was not dropping backwards into the water, but nonetheless my neck was holding on tightly to something that it wouldn’t let go.

 Fortunately there is a plastic pillow of sorts that you can use, to rest the back of your head, so I grabbed this and placed it behind my head. It made a huge difference for me, for some strange reason I was able to relax my neck knowing that there was something contacting the back of my head, even though it was the salt holding this, as it would have held my head too, if my neck had allowed it!

With my neck finally relaxing, I felt as if the whole of me might now relax too, but all of a sudden there was a momentary panic as I questioned what exactly I might now do for the remaining 55 minutes of the session. I might well practice yoga and meditate a couple of times a day, plus practise some yoga nidra a few times each week, but I don’t often (never) lie down for a whole 60 minutes unless I am also reading in bed at the same time. 

I thought maybe I might think about a few things, process some stuff which has been playing on my mind, but amazingly the combination of the salted water and the sensation of lying, let alone the ocean sounds and the dim light meant that I was incapable of holding a stream of thought, and the effort to think became too effortful and with that I drifted into that beautiful liminal space where you are neither here nor there and time passes quickly, too quickly in this case! 

I felt my body move at times, as if I was jolted awake momentarily, perhaps a twitch or a release, and then I drifted back into that restful space where – I believe - healing takes place. It reminded me of Reiki, where you just drift off to this other place and before you know it the session is over.

Lo and behold before too long, the air con kicked in again and a waft of cooler air blew into the room, while the star-studded lights above the tank turned on once more, only gently, but enough for me to know that the session had ended. I scraped the salt off my skin and as much as I could off my hair, as requested by Dave, before stepping out of the tank and back into the shower to shower off once again.

After dressing and removing the ear plugs, I joined Dave in the reception area to pay him and to share my experiences. While he was probably keen for me to leave and let him get on with his day he didn’t show it and was extremely welcoming and giving of his time. I wondered if I might have been better driving, but fortunately the rain held off as I cycled back home, grateful in many respects for the fresh air and opportunity to wake myself a little before the boys joined me that afternoon.

When they did join me I became very aware how much my ears were tested by their noise. My boys are noisy and I do sometimes struggle with this, but I hadn’t realised the extent to which noise generally bothers my ears and how desperate a part of me was for peace and space. I didn’t get it of course, such is the reality of family life, and I felt on edge and aggravated by it to the extent that after dinner, and with my mother in law helping E, I was able to escape to our room where I promptly burst into tears.

I couldn’t stop once I had started, this endless stream of watery release, which I think was the result of something unearthed from my neck during the float. Perhaps it was also the release of something touched in a distance ki massage session with my shadow worker Jo just a few days previous to that, which had taken me to the criss-cross of a few layers beginning to reveal themselves from the shadows, as if this was all timed perfectly, the float facilitating the release.

It continued the next morning too, the tears just coming without any angst or emotion attached to them, just a release. My neck was a little achy and I was curious about this. In my yoga practice I really focused on my neck and I noticed, when I was lying on my mat at the beginning of the session, how I was unintentionally holding on in my neck. I had never noticed it previously because it was obviously my norm, but now I could see how there was just this subtle holding of my head and inability to totally surrender the weight of it to the floor. 

So I settled into that and noticed how my softening and letting go softened my throat and changed my breathing, so it was more relaxed somehow. I couldn’t quite believe how I had allowed that pattern to be there for all these years, this need to somehow protect the vulnerability of the neck and it’s place there between the head and the heart, not able to fully surrender the head and all this emotional holding, a lot of misguided guilt and an inability to allow the heart to flow up and out, to fully express itself in the world.

A few days on and the emotions have settled. It took me completely by surprise and I am grateful to the float for being a conduit for the release that it brought. I’m really keen to return again, they offer a three-session deal, which sounds great, albeit my one session did the trick. I’ve been feeling calmer since, and curious too, to learn more of the tension I’m holding and what underlies that, just as I’m curious to find out what will come of the additional freedom now in my neck!

It’s funny how the releases come in their way, how things can be divinely orchestrated, to an agenda that we’re created and yet has some magical input into it too. I always find this place a little uncomfortable though, the neither here nor there as things settle after any letting go, but I trust that it is for the greater good, that the change will come when the timing is right and that there is a bigger picture to all of this. My advice – go for a float! 

** It’s now six days after the float and a few days since writing that blog post and the whirlwind which it brought with the release has now settled, and I recognise the role it played in helping me to surrender and let go of a limiting belief that has been bothering me since March now. With that much needed clarity after months of not being able to ‘see’ clearly. It’s powerful stuff that floating!

 If you know you have something to release but you don’t know what it is, or you feel stuck in your life, not sure which way to go, lacking clarity and a little confused, then go for a float. If the body is holding on tightly, then go for a float. If you need some time out, some peace and some space to just be, then go for a float. I cannot tell you what an incredible conduit it is for letting go and just being…

Love Emma x

P.S. You’ll need to go look on Facebook, it’s called The Float Room, a friend sent me details, the email is info@thefloatroom.gg

Yoga Nidra!

With the Yoga Nidra session for Guernsey Mind soon approaching I thought maybe I might share an article I wrote that was published by a European yoga & health magazine about seven years ago now. This was before children so I do not reference the way in which my journey with IVF deepened my experience of yoga nidra and helped me recognise more than ever the transformative and supportive nature of this practice.

I write about it in my book, Dancing with the Moon, but yoga nidra really helped me to maintain a positive mind set when it came to my journey to motherhood and I worked a lot with the Sankalpa, “I am pregnant with a healthy baby”. I practiced Yoga nidra a lot, perhaps daily at times, during the post natal period as I found it so incredibly healing and helpful when i was depleted from C-sections and sleep deprivation.

Only now are we beginning to get more sleep, almost seven years on from having our eldest and I still practice yoga nidra a few times a week. It was helpful earlier on this year when I was initially exploring sobriety, and throughout lockdown it helped enormously in managing my angst at not being able to physically teach yoga or give hands on Reiki. It has been extremely helpful in recent months as I work through some old patterns around boundaries and self-worth.

That’s the thing with yoga nidra. It not only makes me feel better, but it actually helps to completely change things, we are potentially transformed by the practice, if we can make the time. This is the reason I am so keen to share it, not simply as a deep guided relaxation, although it is this, but because it literally transforms our mind in a more positive direction if we allow it, almost re-programmes it then. It’s quite remarkable.

Anyhow here’s the article…

When I initially started practicing Yoga almost 10 years ago now, I simply could not relax.  It was impossible.  At the end of the Yoga class when the teacher announced Savasana, I would try and find any possible excuse to leave the class early so that I could avoid the last few minutes of relaxation.  

It was not so much that I was adverse to the idea of relaxation per se, it was more so that I found relaxing so mentally uncomfortable.  There were simply too many thoughts, too many tick lists, too many things I should be doing, rather than simply lying there on the floor trying to relax.

When I first ventured out to Byron Bay in Australia to immerse myself in Yoga a year into my practice, I shall never forget my first 2 hour Yoga session (the normal length of the classes out there at that time).  While I loved every single minute of the asana practice, the problem came, however, with a 20 whole minutes of quiet relaxation at the end of the class.  Proper quiet that is, with no music, no distraction, nothing.  Those were the longest 20 minutes of my life, or so it seemed in that moment! 

Still with me attending these 2 hour sessions once or twice a day every day for a month and unable to leave the class early (many teachers will understandably discourage you from doing so), I quickly developed my own way of dealing with the mental chatter.  I imagined in my mind a train line with open trucks in which I placed each of my thoughts and then watched them pass by, one after the other, until I was able, eventually, to experience some relief from the constant background mental chatter.

Over the next year I practiced a lot of Yoga as I developed my practice both on and off the mat, qualifying as a Yoga teacher in the process.  My ability to relax improved hugely, but it wasn’t until I assisted on a teacher training course at Govinda Valley, Sydney that I discovered the joy and indeed benefit of Yoga Nidra. The relaxation became something I enjoyed rather than something that I endured at the end of a Yoga class.

I can still remember the experience of that first Yoga Nidra clearly.  There we were, the whole class of students, lying comfortably in the corpse pose, a bolster under knees and a blanket covering each of us to keep us warm as the teacher’s gentle voice soothed us into a state of cosy bliss as we relaxed each part of our body part by part, experiencing sensations and bringing awareness to the natural breath; it was a journey like no other I had experienced previously.

Time lost all meaning, what was actually 30 minutes felt like 5, and before I knew it we were back in the room, on our mats, in our bodies, feeling much more centred and grounded than I had felt at the beginning of the class.  What was also noticeable was the fact the mental chatter had eased, I had managed to drift beyond it into that wonderful state of being between being awake and asleep, the hypnotic state, where real healing takes place.  I felt brighter, lighter, rested and renewed.  

Essentially Yoga Nidra is a powerful meditation technique inducing complete physical, emotional and mental relaxation.   During Yoga Nidra one appears to be asleep but the consciousness is functioning at a deeper level of awareness so that you are prompted throughout the practice to say to yourself mentally, “I shall not sleep, I shall remain awake”.

Before beginning Yoga Nidra you make a Sankalpa, or a resolution for the practice.  The Sankalpa is an important stage of Yoga Nidra as it plants a seed in the mind encouraging healing and transformation in a positive direction.  The Sankapla is a short positive mental statement established at the beginning of the practice and said mentally to yourself in the present tense, as if it had already happened, such as “I am happy, healthy and pure light”, or “I am whole and healed”.

A Sankalpa can also be used to encourage you to let go of something in your life like smoking or overeating, focusing on the underlying feeling that leads you to smoke or to overeat such as “I love and care for myself and my body”, or “I choose to eat foods that support my health and wellbeing” or “I am relaxed and contented”.    In fact simply having the opportunity to establish a Sankalpa is powerful in itself as it gives you a focus and enhances your awareness of self.

It is actually in connecting with yourself that you come to realise all the deep seated tensions that Yoga Nidra helps you to release.  These are all the unconscious and unresolved issues that are playing a role in some of the unwanted habits and behaviour patterns you are noticing consciously.  This is the stuff that goes through your mind time and time again, the stuff you resolve to change at the beginning of each year but that “will” alone will not change.  What you need to do is get to the root of the problem and Yoga Nidra provides you with a means to do this.

With all the letting go of this “stuff”, such as trapped emotions and feelings, you become lighter and there is more energy available to be used in a more positive manner.  Plus with the power of intention in the form of Sankalpa, that which we attract into our life also changes.  It is in this way that Yoga Nidra offers us so much potential for transforming our lives in an even more positive direction than we can ever imagine.

Of course let us not forget the physiological benefits too, such as lowering of the heart rate and blood pressure, the release of lactate from the muscles that can cause anxiety and fatigue, a more restful night’s sleep and, ultimately, a calming and unwinding of the nervous system, which is basically the foundation of the body’s wellbeing.  So you see our physical health and sense of wellbeing can improve too.

Over the years Yoga Nidra has helped me in so many ways.  At times of crisis, when I have been tired and exhausted, sick and stressed, it has helped to restore, renew and heal me.  At confused times in my life when I have been unclear of the way forward then it has provided me with much needed clarity.  At other times it has helped me to let go of unhealthy addictions and behaviour patterns, the most profound was changing my relationship to myself and therefore enabling me to effortlessly let go of the need to smoke tobacco after so many years of battling with this nicotine addiction.

These days relaxation comes easily to me and I positively seek out and embrace any opportunity for Yoga Nidra for it is just such an amazing practice. In this stressful and fast paced world we live, where we can feel so disorientated and fragmented, it really helps to bring us back together and connect with ourselves again. Needless to say, I cannot promote the benefits of Yoga Nidra to you enough.

But of course you cannot benefit from merely intellectualising these things, and reading about it will not necessarily change things.  What you really need to do is make a commitment to take the time out for yourself.  Lie comfortably, cover yourself with a blanket, close your eyes and allow yourself to be guided through a Yoga Nidra session.  I doubt you will regret it, in fact you may find it a life changing experience. 

La Gran’Mère du Chimquière

Oh my goodness, this most beautiful gift and addition to my altar arrived into my life today, totally unexpectedly and I have been smiling ever since.

This was a gift from a special friend who knows me much better than I realised and knew what I was missing when even I didn’t.

Last week, as you know if you have been reading this blog regularly, I went to see La Gran’Mère du Chimquière because I felt things were a little shaky and wobbly with the moon and I wanted some of her strength and support to help me see it through to the other side of the full moon. It’s been a bit like going through the mill, break down to break through, always the process is uncomfortable, but heck, how else would we grow!

I managed a trip to the fairy cave yesterday, felt the need to just go and be held by that space, and the ancients, always there to support if you feel the need and are able to heed the call. We sort of just ended up there, if anything it was E’s call, he was insistent we visit Lihou island even though it was far too windy to walk with the children far. But it got me in the cave and I’m grateful for that and the ancients because it did positively shift something.

I could feel it all lifting yesterday evening and talk of the new came in which got my heart fluttering and I awoke this morning with the clarity I had been searching these last six months or so. It’s always an utter relied when the light floods back in again, and yet funny it should happen on the waning moon and the decline into winter, Samhain not too far away now, so maybe actually it’s perfect.

It was certainly perfect timing for her to come into my life today. I hadn’t even realised she had arrived until I was just about to go out to the beach and there she was by the front door, delivered and I wasn’t even aware of it ensconced in my yoga practice upstairs instead. I was overwhelmed by her. Of course I took it as a sign but I also took it as a reminder of the goodness in life and that everything is just as it needs to be. With that I positively skipped to the beach for a swim.

Thank you Kristin for being so thoughtful, kind and generous, and thank you La Gran’Mère du Chimquière for being in my life.

Love x

Insecurity and safety

The squeeze keeps going, into the vulnerable places that we try to ignore. I’ve known it needed exploring but it was always possible to put it on the back burner, keep busy, pop it in the shadows, hope it might resolve itself without too much effort on my part. Those of you doing the work will know what i mean. You’ll also know that you cannot help it to resolve without going to those vulnerable places; it’s the natural lore!

It needs expression, release, a voice, a way of being digested, expelled.

I’m always, always blown away by how it works, the coincidences and the synchronicities, the seemingly small things that the universe sends in to help us feel the uncomfortableness of staying stuck and yet the uncomfortableness of finding our voice and speaking what needs to be said. Urgh.

It’s all good though. Today I’m very aware that it’s a beautiful world, really it is, however awful we may feel or however challenged or squeezed, really it is a beautiful world and it will support us and meet us as we need to be met. Everything is perfectly ordered in our lives, we just need to notice it.

This is the message that i received today and if you are reading this then you might relate to it too:

“Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you. “

This my friends is what underlays my current healing. This feeling is not a very pleasant feeling, laid down in childhood, the insecurity one feels from not living up to one’s idea of perfectionism, which I believe it underpinned by the need to keep safe.

I felt like I had found the missing part of the jigsaw puzzle when I read this:

“Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.” Psychology Online.

It’s always such a relief when we see more clearly into the shadows and make sense of that which we have been trying to understand for a good old while now. I’ve written a third book as many of you know, about my journey with depression and eating disorder to a point, the two are so interlinked it’s difficult sometimes to separate them; they feed into each other. I’ve been trying to explore the root of all of this, to understand more of what caused it all to begin. I had known on some level, but this substantiates it in a way that had not been so visible previously.

It feels like an ending in many respects. Kali came into my life the other day, the Goddess of endings and new beginnings, of death ultimately, and it all make perfect sense. We need to the ending, the dying, the letting go, the grieving and the sorrow. Like a fire we combust that which is no longer needed into ash, and this can be added to the soil in which we grow new seeds. It is all a cycle.

Our inherent feelings of safety on this planet are all being tested right now, Covid has tested the habits and patterns that we have created in our lives to give us a sense of feeling safe, whether that is real or imagined. The rug has been pulled from under our feet and we are trying to find our grounding again, clutching at anything which makes us feel safe, even if it is just imagined. We are all being squeezed, to heal those wounds which prevent us from feeling inherently safe in our connection to the universe, to God, to a higher power, however you want to define ‘it’.

It’s not easy though, because we have to go to those vulnerable places. I see this in yoga. We know, the ancient texts tell us, that yoga can help to cease the fluctuations of the mind, can help to ease our suffering, but even then, even knowing this, it can be too confronting for many to go there in the first place. We might try, we might like to stretch the body, build strength, take a few photos for instagram, but something stops us letting the practice take us deeper, into the shadows, to the spirit, to the heart of yoga.

It’s a shame and while I’m delighted that yoga has become more mainstream with increasing numbers of people teaching yoga now, and some with very few years of practice or experience, it doesn't matter because it is spreading yoga out into the world. But, my concern is that what is being taught is no more than an exercise class, that lacks the potential of yoga, so that many are buying into the idea that they are practising yoga but are able to remain unaffected by it, so that yoga is diluted and not allowed it’s expression either.

But i have to trust in that, because if I don’t then I can feel the frustration creep in, especially when i hear about rising levels of depression and anxiety and increasing use of medication to create feelings of safety and security, to try to mask the inherent feelings of insecurity. There is another way. It’s not easy, but it is worth it when you get there. A whole new world awaits, that you could never have imagined, when you find that place within yourself, your centre maybe, that helps you to access your inner strength and sense of security, challenged as it might be from time to time.

Just for today, we let go of all that is in our way. Just for today, we allow ourselves to go to those tricky places. Just for today we hug ourselves and remind ourselves how beautiful we are inside and out. Just for today we celebrate our perfections and our imperfections in equal measure. Just for today we acknowledge our vulnerability and we’re OK with that, rejoice in it even, because we have to go there to pop through teh other side, into a more compassionate level of being, more connected, more trusting. Then the feelings of safety arise naturally. We are safe, we are safe, we are safe.

Basic goodness, compassion and community

That was quite some moon. I thought I had it all figured out and then it caught me on the wane, reminding me that it takes time sometimes, to see into the shadows and understand the lessons. 

This was a moon which brought up deep rooted fears and insecurities so that we could see them more clearly and allow them release as we prepare for the eclipse season ahead, getting all our ducks lined up so to speak. 

A very old pattern around fear of confrontation, criticism and rejection came up for me, and nestled in amongst that was a strand of self-worth, because that always seems to weave itself in somehow!

I’d also been enquiring into the concept of community last week too; with so many election manifestos here in Guernsey mentioning community, and compassionate community too, it was making me curious.

While I was sad that we were not able to make it to Sark for the retreat, I have learned this year that we have no choice but to go with the flow of things and that when matters beyond our control take over, then we are best to surrender to them; be neither attached nor averse.

I hadn’t considered that others might not be so easy going, and while I’m sure it was never intended, old feelings around fear of criticism and fear of confrontation were triggered, resulting in an overwhelming feeling of vulnerability and helplessness for the state of humanity. 

My inner child was calling out for some love and attention and I took myself to bed in tears, weary with the weight of the sadness of the way in which this world is sometimes lived, this ‘me’ culture that is so in contrast to the message we keep hearing about ‘community’. But of course it is all a perception, whichever side of the fence we sit.

What became clear to me today as I continued to settle into the discomfort of what I was feeling, my neck still aching with vulnerability and my stomach churning as I tried to digest all these feelings, I recognised that we don’t reject others necessarily, we reject the moment/experience and we look towards others to blame, because there is often a conditioned need to blame someone, rather than just accepting things as they are come what may and taking responsibility. 

A good friend shared with me how she has had to cancel a yoga trip due to the continued quarantine requirements on Guernsey, and when she asked for a refund she was told that giving refunds would put the small independent company out of business, so she took a voucher instead. I couldn’t help thinking that not only was this an act of compassion but also an act of true community.

For me community is about coming together and supporting each other where we can for the common good of all, especially now as lives are adversely affected by the response to Covid-19, and the manner in which this continues to challenge on all levels, monetary, mental and otherwise! But I did wonder last night how many people truly live as if in a community, and how many struggle to see beyond their own needs.

I was heartened then today to visit the Renoir Exhibition, quite by chance - a positive one, one might say - because if I had have been on Sark I would have missed it! Here was a fantastic example of true community and I applaud David Ummels and Art for Guernsey for all their hard work in bringing this idea into reality.

It got me thinking whether community is something that we can create, or whether it is inherent within us, like compassion. I hear people talk of compassionate community and I like very much the idea of this, but I wonder in reality whether it is something that can be created through political manifesto or whether it is something that comes to be by the meeting of compassionate people – who already have compassion within them.

Compassion is having a sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others, and it is compassion that motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental, spiritual and/or emotional pains of others and themselves. It is my experience and understanding that compassion is cultivated; the more we are able to open to our vulnerability and our suffering, the more we are able to open to the vulnerability and suffering of others.

 The trouble in our society is that we are so scared to reveal our vulnerability that we will do all we can to hide it and deny it and escape from it. We protect ourselves in innumerable ways; hardening our hearts, pumping our bodies, numbing out, disconnecting from our reality, controlling others, playing out the ball busting business woman, bullying others, using sarcasm, ignoring others or looking down on them, shaming others and on the list goes.

 It is only in allowing our vulnerability that we experience greater compassion, not least for ourselves but for others too. It is in this way that we grow as conscious human beings and help our community to thrive, simply because we can’t help but get involved. I know I get boring saying it, but it has to start with us, we need to cultivate compassion within ourselves by embracing our vulnerability, not turning away from it, and we have to support others when they find the courage to embrace their vulnerability too.

 I was reminded of this quote from Chogyam Trungpa Ringpoche in his book, From Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior:

“If we are willing to take an unbiased look, we will find that, in spite of all our problems and confusion, all our emotional and psychological ups and downs, there is something basically good about our existence as human beings. Unless we can discover that ground of goodness in our own lives, we cannot hope to improve the lives of others. If we are simply miserable and wretched beings, how can we possibly imagine, let alone realize, an enlightened society?”

Yesterday I experienced a temporary loss of faith, when I questioned the basic goodness of our existence as human beings. It was this, ultimately, that underlay my feeling of vulnerability that arose as a response to fear of criticism and rejection, which is underlaid essentially by a loss of feeling safe in this world. Watching Social Dilemma earlier this week has not helped. Is this a safe world?

Goodness is a basic human virtue and while we may lose sight of this at times, when we are triggered and scared and confused, goodness is all around us, if only we can acknowledge it. I take great comfort in this and in the many wonderful earth angels, the good people, the compassionate, part of my community, who appeared in my life today as if to prove this.  Thank you. 

Blame the moon!

This full moon has definitely been illuminating in many ways, shining a light into the shadows and, as always, bringing up fears and the opportunity to surrender to them. It has brought up a limiting belief too that has been awaiting release. 

I could feel it building all week, and with bad weather predicted and a Sark retreat to run I just had a feeling that the moon was going to make me face my fears around cancelling. I made extra time to meditate this week so that I could really feel into it and look at my fears and what underlaid them. I realised that there is only one way to manage a situation like this and it is to surrender to it, a little like when my waters broke six weeks early on the October full moon while leading a retreat on Herm and Eben arrived a few days later by Caesarean section. 

Me and retreats, we have a history, they provide a golden opportunity not only to me but to my fellow retreat goers too, to look at our fears and our patterns and potentially let them go. I don’t know that I’ve ever run a retreat that has been utterly painless or gone totally smoothly, they all bring with them a potential drama or issue, whether that be the weather, the boat, the hotel, the food and/or the student, there is always something that encourages me to surrender. This one was no different and I was remarkably calm when Sark Shipping finally told me they were cancelling (this after they had told virtually everyone else!) because I knew it was inevitable and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it but surrender!   

A limiting belief around motherhood also came up too, and I have a feeling that this may have been in the field as I know I am not alone. I could feel this creeping in during the week too, but I wasn’t able to give voice to it or understand what was happening until the clarity came today with the moon. I stared to feel old feelings around lack of worth and this in relation to my role in the world. I began to doubt the work I do and my choice to let go of titles and patterns of over work and over achieving in my quest to live my dream of being a more present mother to my children.

I ignored this dream for many years through fear that it would never become a reality and I threw my creative energy into my work and making money, in the finance sector initially and then in the holistic realm as I wanted to share my passion for yoga and healing with others. I gave everything I had and fell into a pattern of over work and exhaustion, which had always been my way, as if proving my worth through working and earning money. 

Then the children finally came along and not without a bit of effort and yet still, with the first one, I continued to throw myself into my work because this is what I had been conditioned to do, by my education and by society if I hoped to be seen as a successful woman. Yet this made me ill. I was trying to be all things to all people and my eldest child was growing up without me being truly present, always in the office or running off to teach yoga.

When the second one came along, and this after a failed IVF round which made me appreciate the fragility of life a little more, I decided I wanted to step up as a mother, but even then the patterns had been set and I got dragged back into the office and working and trying to be all things until my body made me aware that this couldn’t continue, but I didn’t know how to change things.

Then life intervened and my eldest suffered with separation anxiety at school which presented me with little choice but to step up and be a much more present mother. It took a bit of getting used to because I hadn’t realised how much of my identity and worth was tied up in my role as a company secretary where I could command a fairly decent salary and have people take me (relatively) seriously.

It’s ironic in many respects because as a career girl I used to judge those mothers who chose to stay at home, and those who worked but whose priority was their children. I had been sold the idea that to be a successful woman in this day and age, I needed to take my work seriously and put the needs of the business before both my children’s needs and my needs but I slowly started to wake up to this and the illusion I had been sold.

I started to notice how no one questioned the way in which we women are expected to be all things, how women were actively encouraged to put their children into childcare so that they could carry on working, women forced to stop breastfeeding, not because they wanted to, but because it impractical to continue once they returned from maternity leave and this sometimes after a mere 3 months.

Understandably many women have no choice, they have mortgages and bills to pay and they need to work. This was one of the reasons that I felt the pressure to return to work 3 months after having my eldest, but actually we could have coped. The reason I returned was because I didn’t know that I had a choice, it was what we women did, we had children and then (on the whole) we returned to work. 

I needed to earn money for the sake of earning money, I needed a career for the sake of having a career. I did all this because everyone else was doing it and it was expected of me. I did it because I expected to keep doing it. What was the point in all my education and professional training if I just gave up and stayed at home with my children? It just wasn’t even something I seriously considered; I was sold the notion that I would go mad, become brain dead, if I just stayed at home with my children.

It’s sad really, that we women have been conditioned to believe that we don’t have a choice. Some may well not have a choice and I am sorry about that; sorry that we live in a society where so little value is placed on the role of the mother in raising her young children herself if she chooses. I appreciate that not everyone wants to be with their children, and that is their right and choice too, it’s hard work and I was grateful for the distraction of work on many occasions!

Usually I don’t question the choice I have since made, to give up title and accumulation of wealth in exchange for more time spent with my children, but clearly there is something unresolved within me about it for it to have come up on the moon. I knew it was around feelings of self-worth but it wasn’t until today that I realised that this was in relation to my role as mum.

We finally watched Social Dilemma last night and this helped me to see some of the light. I saw so clearly the dark side of capitalism and how much suffering it creates in its pursuit of the accumulation of wealth above all else. This is partly the reason the earth is in such a mess and humanity too, that we sell out on that which is important in our pursuit of happiness=wealth=success. 

We know on a very basic level that this is not true, that wealth does not create happiness, yet we spend our lives trying to accumulate it anyhow and always at a cost. We equate money to success. It is very difficult to value motherhood, how can we measure it? And it’s this that makes it so tricky, when we have grown up in a society which is always trying to evaluate everything and put it in its place, even my six year old is evaluated on the speed at which he can answer sums to 10; its ingrained from a very young age.

Today I see this pattern so clearly and the extent to which society has lost its way.  But I also know how difficult it is to make the change, to go against the flow of things because something inside you tells you that it is not the way for you, to follow like a sheep, but this brings up fear because the way you are choosing is not known, it is not certain, it has no definite outcome, it is of the heart and soul and of trusting in that and having faith. 

 Keeping our faith high, and trusting in that little voice inside is not easy. This moon has made that very clear. But there really is no other way, not really, not if we are trying to live with integrity. It was this that struck me the most watching Social Dilemma, the way in which those humane IT guys live with integrity, and this gives me hope for the future of humanity. It also made me realise how easy it is to buy into the illusion and how we have to be really mindful about this. 

It is easy to convince ourselves that our actions are OK because everyone else is doing them. I know I’ve been kidding myself about that and air travel for a while now, justifying it somehow and yet knowing that it is not a sustainable way to travel, and in conflict with my other efforts to live more sustainably and with respect for the planet. There are many ways that we kid ourselves and buy into the illusion that its all OK. 

Social media is a prime example of this. I have been going on about it for months now and you can just imagine my joy that others are now taking note as a result of Social Dilemma. No doubt many will watch it and know they need to do something, but will continue to bury their heads in the sand because they will continue to buy into the illusion that this is the way that the world works now, this is the way to stay connected, the way to run a business, and the way to be someone.

But hopefully if enough of us find a different way, let go of the need for titles and the notion of ‘being someone’ and the idea of the happiness=wealth=success paradigm then things might change more positively. As for the over work and over achieve pattern, I can see this still so clearly rooted in the fear of not being good enough, of not being enough, of not being useful to society and of not living a life of purpose. Yet what could be more fulfilling or give my life more purpose or be of more value for society than me nurturing, watching, listening to and meeting the needs of my children? Let alone me meeting my own needs, that I have recognised too. 

This one of meeting our genuine needs requires a paradigm shift, meeting the needs of our children and ourselves, of genuine connection and simple living. It’s back to basics, coming full circle, knowing where our food comes from and having time to prepare it into a nutritious meal for our family, of re-prioritising and realising what is important, of valuing motherhood, of taking responsibility for our physical, mental and emotional health and looking after ourselves and our planet and saying no to anything that compromises any of this, including our own fears. 

Our suffering is our awakening

The last few days have been wobbly, the moon is waxing and she’s a powerful one, due full on Thursday, the first of two this October, the second will find us on Herm for the retreat, coincides with Samhain too and this month is due to be quite a potent one astrologically.

I’ve spent the day trying to feel into her. I had a sense that she is bringing surrender and there was something about community too, but then it came to me this evening, it’s illuminating more of the illusionary world we inhibit. Life is an illusion, this doesn’t mean that it isn’t real, or that it doesn’t exist, more so that it is subject to our interpretation and this a perspective and state of mind, so everyone will perceive the world differently.

There is no absolute truth therefore, other than purusha, the soul, the seer, which experiences through the mind but it is not the mind, it is the observer. The trouble is we cling to the mind and its idea of how life should be lived and we try to make certain that which is uncertain and judge and categories and otherwise create our own suffering through buying into the illusion.

Its interesting timing then that we should find ourselves going through an election here in Guernsey during October and between these two potent full moons. It wasn’t until I was talking to a friend earlier this evening that I realised how much this has been bothering me. I have spent the last few days reading manifestos and listening to videos and my soul has become increasingly weary. I don’t doubt that everyone wants positive change, but people are coming at it in such different ways, some with heart, passionate about some cause, and others because their ego says so.

Even those I might surmise are coming from heart, are trying to sell us a little of the illusion and the lie. I’m all up for the decriminalisation and legalisation of cannabis, for example, why not when alcohol and pharmaceutical drugs are used by the general public legally. But let’s be careful when we start using the excuse that cannabis is a plant medicine. Yes it is a plant medicine, but like any plant medicine you still need to proceed with caution. Wormwood is also a plant medicine but I’m not about to smoke that, and nor will I take more than I need without it having a toxic effect on my body and my mind.

But you can’t tell people this, or have a conversation about how we might look at reducing our dependency on drugs generally, because drugging ourselves on alcohol and prescription drugs has become such an acceptable part of our society that the notion of going without would literally create shock waves, because our pain and suffering is so great that we need something to numb it…don’t we? I’m biased. In the past I did use cannabis and alcohol to numb my pain, sometimes excessively and sometimes under the illusion that it was expanding my mind (the cannabis) and making me more spiritual (ha ha!).

But I finally recognised that my numbing to ease my suffering was actually creating more suffering in the long term and my buying into the illusion that antidepressants was going to help me find my way with depression, was a step too far for me. My little soul which was fairly much suffocated by this stage, managed to find the strength to flash through my mind and somehow make me consider in the darkest of dark moments that there had to be another way. Thank God for the soul. Thank God for yoga too.

Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras, chapter 2, verse 16, reads, “hey duhkhamanagatam”, which basically means what must be avoided is future suffering, what is done is done let it go - yoga is all about reducing suffering. The chapter then goes on to share with us the tools that will help us to reduce our suffering including asana (postures) but not limited to this! Chapter Six of the Bhagavad Gita contains four definitions of yoga and one of them is especially genius -'“ yoga is the unlinking of the link with pain”.

This has been my experience of yoga. I have been practising yoga daily for just over 17 years now and during that time my life has changed beyond recognition and my relationship with my self and my mind has also changed in ways that I never imagined it could ever change. My relationship to pain has changed significantly too; I am not longer scared of pain and I no longer need to numb myself from it. Without doubt, pain has become one of my best friends because it highlights to me where I need to focus my attention and it is in this way that I can ease my suffering.

Our pain will manifest in all ways, but there will always be a mental source. We suffer because of our mind. This does not mean that our physical pain is not real, our physical pain will feel very real, only that it is our mind that ultimately creates our suffering in how it responds and manages our pain. Therefore if we can find ways to manage our mind, then we might be able to free ourselves from our overall pain and our suffering.

Which brings me back to the election and the illusion. I appreciate that many of those standing are doing so to make a difference, because they believe that they have something new to offer to us, to save the environment, to boost our economy, to sort our education once and for all, to ensure that the elderly are better cared for, to improve the mental health service, to make cannabis available to all, but it’s all just words and it’s just feeding the illusion.

If we truly want change then it has to come back to each of us individually and we need to begin to take greater responsibility, to see through the illusion and stop feeding into it. Facebook is such a good example of this, so many people moan about how it makes them feel bad, how they waste so much of their time on there, but they still cannot delete themselves from it, they are still feeding into the illusion that they will miss out, or lose a sense of community if they are not on it.

My weary soul took me to see La Gran’mère du Chimquière today, to touch something real that has stood the test of time and change. I felt better for it, so too the sea swims and the time spent wandering on Richmond dreaming of spiritual community, This is what I crave the most here on Guernsey, the weaving of the spiritual into our ordinary life, creating a shift in our awareness, ushering in a new paradigm, which doesn’t try to create more of what’s been while calling it something different, but invites in a whole new way of being, one of heart and the sacred, of deeper respect for the self and for the world we live in.

This is a whole new idea of what it means to be alive, if only we could shift our perspective to that extent; so that all the rest would shift effortlessly in a more harmonious and positive direction, so that we wouldn’t need to be talking about treating symptoms but could get right back to the cause of the loss of harmony and wellness of our society in the first place, to what made us sick; treating the symptoms never solved anything.

In many respects our suffering if a gift. It has the potential to awaken us, and this is needed now more than ever before in our history. All of this life currently lived, with Covid is asking more of us individually and collectively. We are trying to fight it, but it is not a war to be fought, it is an opportunity to look deeper at all that is flawed and all that has been mis-sold to us, including yoga, yes, including yoga. This is a time for deep discernment and discrimination, to see beyond the illusion. Only then will life change in a truly positive direction. Are you up for it?!