Addressing the self-critical voice

That was one very intense new moon on Friday highlighting our tendency to self-criticism and self-blame. I was aware that my clients and students were being encouraged to find a kinder voice to talk to themselves, to shift the internal narrative to something much more positive.

In my own healing too, I was aware that we were being asked to question the various roles we have taken on and the way these limit us, so too to consider the stories we tell ourselves and the narrative and thoughts running through our mind.

I was essentially reminded that we are our own jailor and punisher. That we create our own suffering by our limited beliefs (as mentioned in the previous blog post) and our limited perception of reality.

We also create our suffering when we try to control our reality. Sometimes in life things just happen that are quite beyond our control and to blame ourselves for not having seen it coming or managing it better only services to diminish our energy levels and depress our spirit and soul. Life is as it is. There will always be challenges, always be curved balls, always be something that gets our attention and asks us to go deeper still.

We are being asked to let go and flow. Let go of how we think it should be, and allow something more aligned to come in.

We are being asked to let go of our various roles and the way we define ourselves to the world so we can show up as the soul that we are, regardless of the titles and what ‘we do’ in this world. Because we can always do it differently.

But as for the self-criticism, this needs working with. We have to become conscious of the self-derogatory words as they arise, catch them, and shift them into something more positive instead. After all, why so negative?

Here is some info I share with my spiritual life coaching clients to help them navigate all this, and I feel to share here so that you may benefit too, after all, you making these shifts and having a more positive relationship with yourself, positively affects the collective - we’re in this together whether we like it or not!

What is self-criticism?

Self-criticism is the tendency to evaluate oneself harshly. When we are self-critical we are always scrutinising ourselves and our performance in most areas of our life.

Self-criticism is sometimes considered a personality trait, which means that some people tend to be very hard on themselves whereas others are less so. But, we all fall somewhere along the continuum.

If we are being self-critical then we are generally deeply afraid of failure and rejection, and can feel a lot of guilt. We may also prioritise achievement over social connection.

Furthermore, being self-critical can make it difficult for us to form close relationships.

What is the psychology behind self-criticising behaviour

Self-criticising behaviour arises from a complex interplay of psychological, social, and environmental factors. At its core, self-criticism often stems from internalised beliefs about our worthiness, competence, or likability, which can be influenced by early experiences, cultural norms, and societal pressures. 

 Those who exhibit self-criticism or tend to be hard on themselves may have grown up in environments where perfectionism was encouraged or where criticism was prevalent, leading them to adopt harsh standards for themselves.

Comparing oneself unfavourably to others—whether in terms of achievements, appearance, or abilities—can fuel feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.

Experiences of trauma or abuse can also increase the likelihood of internalising negative messages about oneself, resulting in a persistent pattern of self-blame and self-condemnation. 

Additionally, societal ideals of success and beauty, for example, often promote unrealistic standards, causing us to constantly judge ourselves against unattainable benchmarks. 

Furthermore, we may think self-criticising will help to undo whatever bad thing(s) we have done, even though in reality, we can’t change the past as it has now passed – the past is passed and the future is just an imagining, so live in the present and forgive, let go and move on.

Also, maybe we were criticised a lot as a child, and we may (unconsciously or consciously) believe we deserve criticism. When we’re told we’re stupid or fat or lazy repeatedly, we start to believe it. And then, even after our parents, teachers or other critics from childhood no longer have our ear, we may find that we’ve taken over their job and repeat these criticisms to ourself to the extent that we normalise them.

It is important to note that these thoughts are not objective truth, even though they can feel that way. In order to push back against internalised negativity and criticism, we might try to assess the truth of critical thought as we have them. What did we do wrong? What specific standards were we trying to achieve? How would we feel if someone else made the same mistake? Will punishing ourself do anything to fix the situation?

What are the consequences of being self-critical?

Increased stress and anxiety: Constantly criticising ourselves can lead to heightened levels of stress and anxiety. Furthermore, ongoing internal pressure to meet unrealistic standards can create a perpetual cycle of worry and tension.

Physical health issues: The knock on effect of chronic stress and anxiety resulting from self-criticism can have negative effects on physical health as well, including increased risk of cardiovascular problems, weakened immune system, and other stress-related ailments.

 Low self-esteem: Continuous self-criticism often erodes self-esteem. When we focus solely on our flaws and mistakes, we begin to see ourselves in a negative light. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy.

 Depression: Persistent self-criticism is closely linked to depression. The constant barrage of negative self-talk can contribute to feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and a general lack of motivation or interest in activities.

Perfectionism: Self-criticism can fuel perfectionistic tendencies, where we feel we must meet impossibly high standards to feel worthy or accepted. Perfectionism can lead to a fear of failure and avoidance of challenges.

Impaired relationships: Excessive self-criticism can affect our relationships with others. People who are overly critical of themselves may become irritable, or may also be overly critical of others, leading to strained interpersonal dynamics.

Procrastination and avoidance behaviours: Fear of failure resulting from self-criticism can lead to avoidance behaviours and procrastination. We may avoid taking risks or pursuing goals because we fear we won’t meet tour own high standards.

 Difficulty accepting feedback: When we are overly self-critical, we may have difficulty accepting constructive criticism from others. We may interpret feedback as further evidence of our inadequacy, leading to defensiveness or withdrawal.

Addressing self-criticism

Addressing self-criticism often requires cultivating self-compassion and self-acceptance, challenging negative thoughts, setting realistic expectations, and seeking support from friends, family, or mental health professionals. Learning to treat ourself with kindness and understanding can help break the cycle of self-criticism and improve our overall mental well-being. 

What can we do if we want to become less self-critical?

We can begin by acknowledging that our self-criticism came about for a reason and has likely had some purpose in our life. So, we should refrain from criticising ourselves for being self-critical, which only makes the situation worse.

We can try to be curious about the feelings behind our self-criticism. Is there a part of us that is feeling scared, angry, ashamed, and/or sad? We can try to have compassion for those feelings.

We can do our best to pay attention to our inner dialogue and notice when it becomes harsh and critical. Sometimes, when we’re feeling angry and anxious, it’s partly because the voice in our head has become attacking, so it helps to be mindful and not react.

We can challenge our critical self-talk. For example, “It’s not true that my performance/presentation/class was terrible. I could tell that some people were enjoying it”.

We can try to be more compassionate with ourselves and talk to ourselves as we might a friend. For example, “It’s really difficult to feel that I worked so hard on something and it still didn’t go as well as I’d have liked. It’s understandable to be feeling upset about this.”

Try and transform self-criticism into self-acceptance.

However, the road from self-criticism to self-acceptance can be a tough one. It requires us to challenge our negative thoughts and consider that we’ve been relying on distorted thoughts, inaccurate beliefs, and unrealistic expectations for years. It requires us to discard the notions that self-criticism is helpful and deserved.

Here some ways to get started:

Look for positives and cultivate a more balanced view of yourself: Intentionally notice your strengths, the things you do right, your progress, and effort – take time to congratulate yourself. This exercise works best when you take a few minutes daily to write down the positives, reflect on them, and let them sink in.

Challenge your inner-critic. Not all of our thoughts are accurate and you can weed out the inaccurate ones by being inquisitive and questioning whether they are true. When you have a self-critical thought, ask yourself these questions in an effort to create more accurate thoughts:

·      How do I know this thought is true? 

·      What evidence do I have to support it? / What evidence do I have to refute it?

·      Is my thought/belief based on facts or opinions?

·      Is this thought helpful?

·      Am I overgeneralising or jumping to conclusions?

·      Is this what I want to think about myself?

·      What would I say to myself if I was more accepting and self-compassionate?

Practice using helpful self-talk. Below are some examples, which might be useful. Please do feel they can be changed to meet your needs:

·      I don’t need to be perfect.

·      Everyone makes mistakes. That’s how we learn and grow. If we never made mistakes, we would never try anything new.

·      This is stressful. What do I need right now?

·      I’m not stupid (or any negative adjective), I am just stressed.

With lots of practice, you will be able to replace self-criticism with compassionate self-talk. But in the beginning, you may not notice a self-critical thought until after you’re had it. Over time being more mindful will help you to notice when you are being negative and criticising yourself.

When you notice that you are criticising yourself, practice self-compassion as a way to teach yourself how you want to think. You might gently say to yourself, “What I meant to say/think is that it’s OK to make a mistake and/or say what I said. I am not stupid; everyone has forgotten something important at home, everyone has said something they wish they hadn’t. I don’t’ need to make it harder by beating myself up about it.” Or “It doesn’t matter that I look different to other people, my body is unique and special and does amazing things for me, it is a special vehicle I have been gifted for this lifetime and I am happy living in it and taking care of it, even if it doesn’t look like how society tells me it should look, but then nor does anyone else’s really, not naturally”.

Tell yourself what you needed to hear as a child. Another variation of the exercise above is to talk to your inner-child. Think about a younger version of yourself — the little girl or boy who suffered through criticism from others. What did s/he long to hear? What words would have given her/him comfort and reassurance? What would have built her/him up rather than tear her/him down? Here are some examples:

·      You deserve to be treated with kindness.

·      You are lovable just the way you are.

·      Your body is beautiful and strong.

·      You can count on me. I’ll always have your back.

·      You are not lazy, you have your own pace and it is your right to live your life as you choose.

·      You are absolutely not a failure as there is no perfect so nothing to fail against.

·      I love you.

·      You don’t have to accept other people’s opinions as facts. 

·      There is no perfect.

·      It’s OK to make a mistake otherwise how can we learn and grow

·      Embrace your differences, they make you the wonderful soul you are.

Focus on self-acceptance rather than self-improvement. There is definitely a place for self-improvement, but when we focus on self-improvement exclusively, we set ourselves up for self-criticism and never feeling good enough. Although it may seem backward, we actually need to accept ourselves first and then we can improve. In other words, self-acceptance isn’t the result of self-improvement. Self-acceptance makes self-improvement possible.

Self-acceptance doesn’t mean that I don’t want or need to change. It means that I accept myself as I am in this moment; I accept that I have perceived limitations and flaws. I still want to learn and grow and improve, but I also accept who I am right now.

When you start accepting yourself, you become less self-critical and can start to create a more loving relationship with yourself. And when you start accepting rather than criticising yourself, you can change. You will become calmer and feel safer. You will likely becomes  less defensive, and be more open to learning and accepting feedback.

Accept your humanness and that you can only ever make choices based on your level of consciousness in any one moment given your psychology, mental, emotional and mental states in that moment too. There are no mistakes, just opportunities to learn and begin anew. Let go of regret, forgive, move on, love and follow your joy.

So to end, if you have found this helpful and want to explore further then book yourself a Reiki treatment with me, or perhaps explore the Spiritual Life Coaching as this can help enormously in shifting old patterns and finding a kinder voice and inner narrative - and therefore gifting freedom. Be gentle on this wax!

Love Emma x