The Mother Wound

The ‘mother wound’ has been coming up during the eclipse season. This in the context of our relationship with the ‘mother’ and with Mother Earth especially. We used to revere Mother Earth, for all she gives to us - life, essentially. We used to honour the mother too, for exactly the same reason and statues of the Mother Goddess as a representation of the ‘mother energy’ have been found from ancient times. Then monotheistic and patriarchal forms of worships marched on in, creating a wounding in the human psyche, which still impacts, subtly and at times not so subtly, on our collective relationship with Mother Earth and mothers generally.

The wounding lives on, and as much as we try to kid ourselves that things have changed, they haven’t really. Sure we have greater freedom as women, we can grow herbs, we can help birth babies (although we’re not always supported to birth those babies at home here on Guernsey), we can work, we can vote, we can connect with our intuition and with our innate womb wisdom, but we’re still living in a patriarchal world where male dominance (power, authority, influence and leadership) rules - a woke world of influential billionaires such as Bill Gates, Charles Schwab, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos who have not been elected by the people.  

It wasn’t always this way. There was a time before monotheistic and patriarchal forms of worships where the goddess was revered. Where the land was respected. Where the cycle of the sun and the moon and the stars were noticed. Where we lived in touch with the changing seasons, respectful of nature, and where we celebrated the mother for all her life-creating and giving capacity. We saw things differently. It wasn’t all about power and control. It was about living in harmony and optimising all that has been gifted to us to help us survive - water to drink, sun to grow crops, materials to provide shelter etc.

In Guernsey we’re lucky to still have two Goddess statues from this time, perhaps the oldest in the world; certainly it’s unusual to have two of these statues in one place, which could indicate that we were a special and magical land back then. I visit these statues regularly, but it was just before my trip to Orkney when I went to seek safe passage from the statue-menhir which sits at what is now Castel church that the significance of her missing right breast struck me.

So it goes, she was found in the ground in 1878, within the chancel at about an equal distance from the north and south walls and about a foot below the surface. She was lying east-west and when she was turned over, the damage was found (or so the Society of Antiquaries reports). What’s interesting is that she was laid with her feet facing east, the same alignment as many passage graves so it is unlikely whoever buried her also defaced her because she was buried with thought - and love perhaps.  

It is believed she was buried in the sixth century when the church was first built and patriarchy started shifting things; churches were often built on sacred sites of Pagan worship, like here at Castel, central to the island and with a clear view to other Neolithic structures on L’Ancresse common. The churches were constructed in such places intentionally, to encourage the islanders into the new religion. I can’t help thinking that the statue-menhir was likely destroyed by the new power coming in, threatened as they were by the power of women to create and nourish new life.

Later that same day, I went to visit La Gràn'Mère du Chim'tière at St Martin’s church and while I visit this statue more regularly, because I personally worship her, it was only now that I saw how interesting the manner in which she carries a wounding too. So the story goes in 1860, a zealous churchwarden called Tourel was growing increasingly furious at the reverence being paid to her by parishioners and ordered La Gran’Mère to be destroyed.  This desecration was successfully achieved and she was broken in half. However, such was the outcry among local inhabitants, that she was mended with cement and relocated to her current position, just outside the gate to the church.

Regardless of the mending, the break is still visible, and while it may be purely coincidental (if you believe in such things), it does appear that the break goes straight through her womb. The woman with her creative energy and her magical ways of healing and feeling and being – with the innate wisdom and power of her womb - was a very real threat to the new order coming in. And even now, the same. As women we may have greater equality, but our relationship to our femininity and our female bits, to the womb, ovaries and breasts, is still deeply wounded.

The womb is a sacred and powerful place in a female body. It’s a creative centre where new life may grow and also a place that, for many women, sheds its lining monthly, sometimes creating pain, especially if a woman suffers conditions like endometriosis or fibroids. Amazingly, it can grow from the size of a pear to a watermelon in pregnancy, and then it can return right back to its original size, so it has this incredible capacity for transformation and change. As a place that can be subject to termination, miscarriage, child loss and/or child birth, it is also a space of both death and life.

Located in the sacral chakra, the second energy centre related to creativity, passion, pleasure and our relationship with our self, issues occur when personal and emotional insecurity prevents a woman from fully expressing her creativity. In these cases, she believes that she lacks the inner strength and ability to do so and will dig into her outer strength, and therefore her masculine energy, “to do”, further denying the feminine aspects of self, including her inherent ability to create, on all levels.

Furthermore, it can also be a place where trauma is stored, whether that be sexual, birth-related, from child-hood and/or from various difficult life experiences. There is an intimate connection between the womb and the heart, and any unprocessed life experiences and/or emotions can be stored and held in the womb, far away from the heart. The womb is a very accessible storage place, and our psyche will store those experiences, which are too much to digest in that moment to maintain (or attempt to maintain) the integrity of the heart.

This connection between the heart and the womb is very real, as well as mystical and mysterious - we potentially create new life in the womb that is truly magical. From a Taoist perspective, the womb is the Heavenly Palace, a woman’s main sexual centre and powerful energy source. The heart is referred to as the Emperor in many ancient texts, because of its key role in controlling all the other organs. Physically, the heart and womb share a mutual relationship to blood as the heart governs the blood and the womb relies on blood for its function.

Furthermore, the opening and closing of the womb for menstruation, conception and birth are regulated by the heart. Thus a woman’s heart and psyche needs to be nourished and strong to optimise the functioning of the womb. Any emotional stress, unresolved trauma or life experiences and/or a restless mind can affect the reproductive health through the womb-heart relationship – a good reason to practice Yoni Yoga as it tries to deepen the connection between womb and heart.

Many women don’t think about their womb until something happens or indeed doesn’t happen there - the arrival of the monthly bleed can be the source of much angst for many because of the potential physical pain but also because it indicates that conception has not taken place, and this can be difficult emotionally for those women trying to conceive. Women can also start to doubt the power of their bodies, and their ability to create new life, leading to feelings of disempowerment, depression, anxiety and discontentment, and a loss of faith.  

Not only that, but menstruation is still stigmatised and shamed by many, blood wisdom denied, and little attention given beyond the management of bleeding. If women realised the wisdom they can gain by going within during this stage of their cycle, then they might come to know more of their own truth and have a better understanding of the reason that conception has not taken place as it often highlights the need for healing our trauma and wounding, and as an opportunity to deepen into faith (you can read more on this in my book Dancing with the Moon, available on Amazon).

More often than not, there is a divine timing to conception, and a need to make changes to allow more space in a woman’s life, taking time to rest, heal and energise, nurture and nourish, while embracing her femininity and doing whatever is needed to ensure that her womb is ready to receive new life; not too hot, burning with the fury of being denied its expression, or sad with the rejection of aspects of self, or through abuse and the emotional holding that can result from this and our various life experiences.

A woman may also need to consider her attitude towards mothering, perhaps she has a wounding from her relationship with her own mother, which needs healing - sometimes if  a woman have had a negative experience of being mothered, she can be concerned about her own ability to mother, worried that she’ll turn out like her own mother, and this can create a mental/emotional/physical block around conception. Also, a woman can be challenged by the thought of the potential changes that her body may experience through pregnancy, such as weight gain.

Furthermore, with the womb as the seed of our femininity including our sensuality, our sexuality and our feelings about ourselves as women - or however we experience our femininity - part of us has been conditioned to reject this. We have patriarchy to blame, as being feminine is not a quality that is viewed as powerful in our culture of power and control and male dominance, and some will turn away from their femininity and dig into their masculine energy in order to be seen and heard better, and to make it in a man’s world.

Conditioning aside, some of us may reject our femininity simply because of previous sexual trauma, and feeling as if our femininity has betrayed us, making us more vulnerable to violence and/or emotional/mental abuse. It doesn’t help that the various transitions from menarche through to birth and motherhood and onwards through to menopause are often viewed as banes, rather than as spiritually transformative and expansive moments in a woman’s life, when she can access deeper levels of wisdom and knowledge, if aware.

The National Cancer Registration and Analysis Service reports that uterine (womb) cancer incidence is increasing with the increasing prevalence of obesity understood to be being the main driver in this trend. However I can’t help wondering if this is the result of our ongoing wounding and our rejection, as a culture, of our innate femininity, wisdom and intuitive and creative capacity; whether our continued inability to be comfortable within ourselves - of not being at home within ourselves and our creative potential - causes our loss of womb health.

The ovaries, on the other hand, represent our point of creativity, allowing our unique creativity to flow through us based on our own individual potential in this world. They are the sex glands, which secrete female sex hormones and form eggs to be fertilised, while also  representing motherhood, the desire to procreate, sexuality creativity, femininity, being female and feeling satisfied as a woman.

When a woman experiences symptoms in her ovaries it may be because she is living or has lived in a situation where she has lost her basic family ties, or is experiencing a general feeling of loss in her life. According to the Dr. Christiane Northrup (author of a marvellous book, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, which every women should have), ovarian cysts and ovarian cancer are related to our creative power in the world. As the seat of power, creativity and creation, when we are addicted to the approval or authority of others, we create an energetic block and dysfunction around the ovaries.

Furthermore, life is busy for many women, they are often holding down full-time jobs, doing the housework, managing the shopping and cooking, while simultaneously sorting the childcare and children’s commitments. Many would really like to start a creative project but simply don’t have the time and energy and this can lead to frustration. Thus, conditions such as ovarian cysts, for example, are often delivering the message of unfulfilled creative expression.

Of course, this also impacts on fertility. As mentioned, many women are trying to make it in a man’s world, digging into their masculine energy, characterised by doing and achieving and is moulded by logic and reason. The feminine energy, by contrast, is more intuitive and empathic, focused on receiving and allowing and being. When these energies are balanced then we experience a greater sense of harmony and fulfilment.

But more often than not, women are stuck in their masculine energy and they don’t even realise it - they feel empowered, without appreciating that they’re still caught in the patriarchal conditioning. Add in concerns mentioned earlier, about being a good mother, or what it might mean for her career, which she has tended to as if it were indeed a baby and what will become of her identity, well it’s hardly surprising that so many women experience fertility issues.

Thus, trying to conceive, as the ultimate creative expression, becomes trickier, for all these reasons. One thing that my journey to conception taught me, was the need to drop into my feminine energy and make changes, step back, slow down and rest into it. Even now, I am very aware when the balance has tipped, which is frequently may I add, because overcoming our patriarchal patterning around achievement and doing is difficult, our society is geared towards it, we’re obsessed about tangible results and becoming definable to others.

This is the problem though. We have become so conditioned to this way of being that we can’t imagine it being different. To make it as women, we have to be all things and this gets exhausting. We’re an exhausted sex. I’m not sure that men are faring any better either - their feminine energy has been denied too, so this is definitely not an ‘us versus them’ situation. Patriarchy came in and it denied all of us the softer parts of our being, it separated men from their children, and indeed from their emotions, and it sent them to work, and only now are things slowly changing, but leading to some confusion about their role these days (or so I’m told).

In short, ovarian issues are often the result of a woman’s notion that people and circumstances outside her alone prevent her from being creative – there is no time. Therefore, women should do all they can to make space and time to express their creative nature throughout their lives. Obviously what we feel to create will change as we grow, transform and evolve. But as long as we allow that creative urge deep within us, and express it, our ovaries should stay healthy.

It is worth noting that if the ovaries need our attention, they try and get it very quickly. A large ovarian cyst can develop in a matter of days when we feel controlled or criticised by others or when we control and criticise others. Furthermore, energy blocks that create ovarian cysts can also result from too much stress - this isn’t necessarily bad stress, in so much as a woman may absolutely love her job and her family, but she can be consumed by it and neglect her creativity in the process.

It is sometimes suggested that ovarian cancer is linked to the extreme need for male authority or recognition, while the woman puts her own emotional needs in the last place. A woman may feel that she doesn’t have the strength, or the financial security, to move or change her situation even when she is abused and manipulated. Thus, unlike cervical cancer, which can be incubated for years, ovarian cancer usually develops very quickly due to sudden trauma, such as when a partner announces that he is leaving, gets sick and/or dies.

Nurturing the pain our partner has given us, returning to the memory and narrative of what has happened, re-running the same experience can hurt us, as much as fostering false hope, and over time this approach to our life can lead to gynaecological diseases such as changes in the cervix as well as tumours on both the ovaries and uterus. In a situation where a woman loves a partner and is suddenly abandoned, cheated, mentally and/or physically abused, the disease manifests itself after many years because they have not ‘gotten over it’, resulting in a milder or more severe gynaecological form.

In terms of the breasts, Cancer Research UK advises that incidence rates for breast cancer are projected to rise by 2% in the UK between 2014 and 2035, to 210 cases per 100,000 females by 2035. Metaphysically, the breasts represent the ability to give and receive - in ancient times, they symbolised the abundance of nature and its ability to sustain life. Located in the heart chakra, more often than not, breast lumps and breast cancer arise due to injury, sadness and unfinished emotional problems associated with feeling, grief and giving.

Apparently, the risk of cancer is significantly higher if a woman grieved (or didn’t properly grieve) for a person who died, lost her job, and/or experienced a divorce in the previous five years. According to Louise Hay, an expert on all things metaphysical, one of the reasons women get breast cancer is because they can’t say “no” and they respect every concept except themselves. Furthermore, the guilt women may have because they can’t forgive themselves or others blocks the energy in their breasts.  

It is also said that women with breast cancer are often prone to self-sacrifice, incapable of receiving the support of others, unable to vent anger or hatred, tending to hide these feelings behind the facade of kindness, and often have unresolved hostile conflict with their mothers, as well as an inability to establish good communication with female children. Very often, a woman who has been abandoned by her mother in early childhood, for whatever reason, has a predisposition to experience any of these conditions, unless she finds the strength to forgive her mother for leaving her in early childhood.

Essentially, it is not the emotion that causes the problem, but rather the inability to express ourselves completely, releasing the emotions and responding to a situation in a healthy and adaptable way. Thus, it is not an extremely stressful life event that causes breast cancer, but more so the nature of our response to that event. Loss is inevitable in our lives, it is part of the life process for all of us, but it is necessary and indeed helpful to do all we can to try to let go of regret, accepting the situation and surrendering to something greater than ourselves.

Cancer aside, as a society we have such a strange relationship with the breasts, such is our concern about what they look like which can lead to surgery and the need for specific underwear, which promotes a certain size/shape. In some parts of the world women can sunbathe topless quite happily, in others, even here on Guernsey, breast feeding a baby in public without an array of scarves and baggy tops can create a frown and an awkwardness for a breastfeeding mother. Even worse, in many respects, the pressure to breastfeed in a designated area, penned away, like a cow.

But herein lies a deeper issue, and the greatest wounding for us women perhaps, is the sexualisation of our bodies and the notion that they have to look a certain way to be adored and indeed accepted in our society. I watched a presentation a few years ago with Kathy Jones, a high priestess at the Goddess Temple in Glastonbury, on goddess statues and imagery and how this has changed over time. In the ancient world, before the widespread adoption of monotheistic and patriarchal forms of religious worship, goddesses – like the statue-menhirs in Guernsey - served vital roles in their own respective pantheons.

In the earlier days these statues often depicted women with wide hips, large buttocks and/or thighs, full belly (presumably pregnant in many cases), the pubic-V and ripe and voluminous breasts. There was usually no face, because this wasn’t seen as important, in terms of her life giving capabilities, quite in contrast to how things are today.

An online article on gender in prehistoric society, writes, “Consider the Venus of Willendorf figurine from 30,000 BC, found in Austria in the early 1900s. Unlike most artistic depictions of women, it celebrates the female body without sexualization: Here, this is a woman, it seems to say, she is soft and round, her breasts are large, her hips full, her kneecaps prominent. It’s made of limestone, but you’d be forgiven for feeling you could squeeze it—looking soft and touchable, it seems to defy the physical properties of stone.”

The question we might ask is who created these statues in the first place - women or men? Because as time went on and we were encouraged away from ancient worship of Goddess and Mother Earth, statues of women changed; buttocks, thighs, tummy and hips were slimmed and clothed, the pubic V hidden, the breasts shaped, and the face and hair becomes much more important – in short, women’s bodies became sexualised. Would women have sexualised their own bodies?

It’s an interesting point. We will never know, but it is entirely possible that when Goddess culture reigned, when people respected Mother Earth and the mother, the images of women were made by women, at a time when they celebrated their bodies for their life giving capacity. Then everything changed and women’s bodies were viewed through the eyes of men, and for the most part this continues on today.

It’s interesting to me that some of the most influential fashion designers of our time have been homosexuals, who have been tasked with designing clothes for women and setting the trend. I have absolutely no issue with homosexuality, or indeed fashion designers, but it is merely fascinating that men can lead the way with women’s fashion design, without truly knowing what it might feel like to wear those clothes as a woman, nor perhaps appreciating the manner in which the various fashion trends cause a woman to love or reject her body depending on how those clothes feel and her ability to fit into them depending on her individual body shape.

The fashion industry has a lot to answer for in how it has shaped women’s often poor relationship with themselves, but its more than that. As subtle as it is, many women continue to see themselves through men’s eyes. Thus, they don’t dress for themselves but for men. They unconsciously and sometimes consciously, still buy into the notion that to be accepted, to be comfortable in their own skin, to overcome any inherent insecurity, they have to dress a certain way – often sexualising themselves - so that they may receive the attention and/or approval of men and therefore validation of self.

And if they are not dressing a certain way for men, then many will dress a certain way to seek the approval and validation of other women in their life, be that family, friends and/or work colleagues. Here, too, they’re not necessarily dressing for themselves, but for the positive feedback they may receive from others, which may help to ease inherent feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. The problem with this though, is the seeking outside themselves for validation of their worth, which merely buys into the illusion of happiness and inner contentment being found on the outside. This is not true.

The risk is that if that validation/approval is not given then it can merely increase feelings of insecurity and unworthiness, to the extent that many women will spend significant time each day preening and preparing themselves – carefully applying make- up, styling hair and choosing clothes - before feeling comfortable putting ‘their face’ out into the world. Not that there is anything wrong with this per se, it is more so that as women age and their hair and body shape changes beyond their control, they will still be up against their inherent inner lack of love and acceptance of self, and cause ongoing self-esteem issues.

Needless to say the fashion industry profiteers from this, so too the wellbeing and fitness industry in feeding us this notion that we have to look a certain way to be valued in this society - the yoga industry is no better (sadly, it is an industry these days). This emphasis on the external can lead to all sorts of body issues, heightened since social media entered many lives, leading to increased rates of eating disorder and body dysmorphia, as well as an overriding pressure to look a certain way (often there’s a uniformity, you have only to look at a bunch of teenage girls to see this), feeding yet more of the illusion that happiness comes from outside of ourselves.

An Ayurvedic doctor with whom I once trained, commented on the manner in which western society rejects full hips, buttocks and stomachs, favouring the ‘flat’ and ‘straight’ figure instead. She said how in her Eastern culture it was reversed, and men sought women with child bearing figures, full breasts and hips especially. She joked how men in the west have been trained to like the thinner figure, regardless of the impact this has on fertility, women forcing themselves to look a certain way to feel accepted and validated by society, but at a cost to their ability to conceive. Of course I’m generalising, but this is an interesting perspective nonetheless.

Furthermore, a woman’s relationship with her body and her sexuality has undoubtably been affected by monotheistic and patriarchal worships in other ways, because there is still a hangover from the church’s emphasis on the virginity and purity of women as personified by Mary, mother of Jesus, and the rejection of the whore as personified (unfairly one may say!) by Mary Magdalene, a devoted disciple of Jesus and powerful healer. This perspective is still deeply embedded in the psyche of women, negatively affecting their relationship with their sexuality and resulting in feelings of shame.

Thus if a woman embraces her sexuality then she is up against her conditioning around being either virginal and pure versus dirty and whore-like. She then either supresses her sexual urges, never truly experiencing the depth of sexual satisfaction and pleasure that is her birth right and is left frustrated and angry, or she embraces her sexuality and feels shame and guilt for enjoying herself and no doubt is judged easily by others, women especially, who are in some way challenged by a woman feeling secure in her own skin and indeed sexual energy. We can’t win!

There are many aspects to this, worthy of a blog post all of its own, but just to add that sexually, a woman can feel a pressure to ‘perform’, to meet expectations, depending on her exposure to and conditioning around sex, based on media, films and pornography, which might be in contrast to how she truly feels and a potential deeper yearning for heart-felt, spiritual and intimate connection. Throw in feelings of insecurity and she will sell out on herself in her quest to be loved and desired, more often confusing love for lust and desire for a primal need.

Even now, such is the depth of conditioning around a woman’s role in the bedroom that she might not even recognise that she has a right to have her own needs met, to reach orgasm, for example, and has a voice to stipulate those needs. So often I hear of women unfulfilled in their sexual relationship, hoping things will change, but never finding the courage and strength to make the changes, to express their needs and overcome any insecurity they have about their relationship with their body and their sexuality, let alone healing whatever trauma needs to be healed.

And to be honest, if a woman doesn’t much like her body and doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin, if she struggles to touch her own body, to open to the potential pleasure of it, if she shies away from her inherent femininity and her creative and sexual energy, if she has previously suffered sexual or birth trauma and/or has a distrust in men and is doing nothing to address and heal this, then she’s probably not going to be able to relax into the true vulnerability and intimacy of the experience and allow herself to feel the depth of pleasure and potential spiritual connection of any true union.

Sadly, after all these years, we’re still up against patriarchal and monotheistic conditioning, which lays deep within our cells. And as if to prove this, I had an incident during the writing of this blog, which was most definitely divinely timed, a cosmic joke really. In short, I was contacted by St Martin’s Community Centre where I teach the majority of my yoga classes, to be advised that St Martin’s Church, who own the land upon which the community centre sits, have an issue with my Breath, Chant and Relax class scheduled for 23 November.

I was confused so I contacted Reverend Foote directly, who told me that my poster advertising said class –here’s the link if you’d like to have a look, or indeed join me, here - has a picture of Buddha on it, which has created some concern. I couldn’t believe it! Katie had chosen the picture simply because people associate Buddha with peace and the whole idea of the class is to promote peace! I did try and assure the Reverend that I am neither Buddhist, Hindu or indeed a Christian - I’m also not a feminist btw either, I’m just pro-freedom, pro-choice, pro-love, pro-acceptance and pro-respecting nature- but to no avail.

Well, the Reverend and I had a conversation about theology and about community, but I could tell I wasn’t going to get anywhere. No practices that might in anyway be confused for Buddhism are to be held in the centre after this class on the 23rd, and no Reiki either. For me, the whole experience merely highlighted that there is still work to be done. That we haven’t yet truly moved on, that we’re still not allowed our voice (ironically the class is encouraging us to find our voice through 15 minutes of chanting Vedic mantra - please note the Vedas pre-date Buddhism, Hinduism and Christianity) and that despite the drive towards greater acceptance of diversity and equality in all its guises, there is still separation and division depending on your faith.

The experience also highlighted a fear in me of doing something wrong, at least in the eyes of the church and getting into trouble. I suspect this fear is deeply imbedded in my cells, stretching through the lineage, all the way back to and beyond the witch trials. Not helped because of my perchance towards wiccan and healing work, and ironically my worshipping of the Goddess, and her located, even more ironically on the site of what is now St Martin’s church…and therein another issue around land ownership especially sacred sites…but I’ll save that blog post for another day…

As it goes, in 1484, Pope Innocent VIII, declared that witchcraft was heresy and a war was declared against the witches and wizards. Thus anyone suspected of being a witch or wizard was persecuted and often tortured into making confessions. Even convicted criminals and young children could give evidence and any lawyer who supported the person accused was often marked as suspect. Anyone convicted was then burnt alive at the bottom of Tower Hill in St Peter Port. In an 80 year period from 1560 to 1640, 44 people were said to have been burnt at the stake and 35 were banished from Guernsey for life.

The effect of this lives on in our psyche. There is still a deep fear of being revealed for our inherent power as women on this planet. I read a brilliant book called Hex by Jenni Fagan on my way up to Orkney in which she writes about one of the most turbulent moments in Scotland’s history, the North Berwick witch trails. The book focuses on the last night of the life of convicted witch, Geillis Duncan,  when she receives a mysterious visitor, Iris, who says she comes from a future where women are still persecuted for who they are and what they believe. This particular paragraph really got my attention:

“Iris says to Geillis, “I wish a particular kind of hell for those who put you here. The thing is, men don’t know why they are here. None of us do. Not really. Tall stories only make tall churches. Not reality…Men want to know how they got trapped on earth. Don’t they? It’s an issue. What does each one of them see when he turns around to work it out? He sees a woman. Every single one of them sees the exact same thing. There is no man on this earth who didn’t get here except by a woman parting her thighs! We are portals. Humans emerge from our bodies into a world without explanation. Some men hold a brutal kind of grudge for that. They hold hatred in their heart. They fear us – for bringing them out of the Null and into this. They want to kill us because we create their lives from our bodies. What kind of alchemy is that? What kind of power? Within our flesh, we make flesh. Whilst we are reading books, working, fighting, sitting on the bus, we form atria, blood, lungs, legs, nails, hair, eyes, ears. Not all make it. We try again, or we don’t. We bear pain. We bear loss. We serve a customer coffee when we are feeling anxious and achy and dead tired on our feet, but we still offer a smile, and right at that moment inside us – unseen – is the first stretch and yawn in amniotic fluid. At some point we cross ourselves and summon to each being a human soul. They say there is no such thing as magic! Tsssssssk! So existence is explainable by – what? Devils and gods. Don’t make me spit on all the textbooks”.

Ultimately though, this is not about men versus women or Pagan/goddess worship versus monotheistic/patriarchal forms of worship. This is about our relationship with the mother and all that she gives. Going full circle, the fact that the statue-menhir at Castel Church is now devoid of her right breast, is poignant. This is the heart chakra and a mother draws her baby to it. The collective heart chakra is affected when we each close our hearts to the world – when we see ourselves separate from Mother Earth, when it becomes about power and control, about logic and rational, rather than unconditional love, compassion, empathy, joy and acceptance of all.

Furthermore, the fact that La Gràn'Mère has been broken in two is also poignant - a wounding to the sacral chakra, of women’s connection to their inherent creativity and wisdom, to a deep knowing, which literally creates, as if by magic, new life, and which is so powerful that every effort is still made to disguise it from us – keep it in the shadows. Never is this clearer than in our attitude towards the menstrual cycle, ingrained in our psyche as inconvenient, dirty and hidden, rather than something celebrated for the potential spiritual and empowering journey it can take us on, a month process of death and rebirth, letting go and receiving, a direct reflection of the cyclical nature of the sun, the moon and all of nature.

Over the years, women have been taught to fear this feminine power deep within them, and to turn away from it, exhausting themselves in the illusionary world of masculine power, control and materialism, of trying to encourage equality by giving away yet more of themselves to ‘make it’ in a male dominant world. The manner in which we have popped science on a pedestal further validates this. Whereas once we put our faith in the church, now we put it in the white coats of scientists, with all their logic and rational, left brain, male energy characteristics, and believing they know us and our bodies better than we do. This needs to change.

Rather than trying to fit in to the current paradigm, women might instead turn inwards and truly listen, using the menstrual cycle and the various transitions of womanhood as a compass for directing their lives, reclaiming their power, retrieving ownership of their body and their inherent feminine energy  and giving themselves the time and space to be guided by their intuition and inner wisdom so that individually and collectively they can create a reality far more magical, compassionate, truthful, balanced and nourishing than the one we are currently living in.

This no easy feat but the time has come. We individually need to be the change we most want to see in the world, and it has to start with each of us taking responsibility not least for healing our own inner wounding and trauma, and freeing this up and down the ancestral line, but living in a more authentic way, with greater alignment to our truth, stepping into our power, honouring our inner wisdom, trusting our intuition and acting from it, rather than giving away our power to the establishment. In the process we will free ourselves from outdated agreements, contracts and conditioning, and help to collectively change our relationship with Mother Earth into something far more respectful, sustaining and loving.  It’s time to heal the mother wound within each of us.

The Eclipse squeeze and changing the narrative

Well we’re in the eclipse squeeze but I feel that we are being gifted the opportunity to change our narrative, this because our old stories are being highlighted and we have the chance to assess whether they’re still true…or whether they ever were in the first place.

Often they’re not, just our perception of something or something we’ve taken on as if it is a truth based on what we have been told by others, our whole lives lived on the basis of someone else’s throw away comment or whatever it might be, our conditioning, cultural, educational or otherwise.

Any negative story can be changed into something far more positive. We are good enough. We are worthy enough. We are beautiful enough. We are safe. We are abundant. We are whole. We are already all these things, just we’ve been taught differently. To keep us disempowered, challenged, insecure and feeling that we need fixing.

We don’t need fixing. We just need to notice the unhelpful stories. The outdated ways of seeing ourselves and relating to ourselves ad acknowledging the positive instead and all that we are and have become and all our life experiences, those we labelled good, those we labelled bad and everything in between that have made us the person we are today. We should be rejoicing in that.

There’s more going on. Women. Patriarchy. Women being heard. Still the wounding. And I have been attempting to write a blog about this…and each day the universe brings in something to reinforce this. Other women feeling the same. St Martin’s Church having to be a little more discerning than they have been and feeling uncomfortable about us practicing Reiki or chanting at the community centre as its consecrated land owned by St Martin’s Church…still Christianity rejects us women and our voice and our healing potential.

But obviously that’s just my perception and that’s not right or wrong, I just long for a world where all belief systems, all approaches to healing and living, for the greater good, are allowed and encouraged and not this segregation and division. And let’s not forget the land that St Martin’s Church is now on, was once a place of Pagan worship, until that was denied…and my blog on the Mother wound that resulted will follow…really, when will we change the narrative in this world?

Maybe that also is coming up on this eclipse season…

Love Emma x

Samhain - From Darkness Comes Light

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who bought my e-book on Thursday 27 October helping to make it a #1 best seller in the New Age category and #2 in spirituality. As of Friday the book was also currently #1 in the Hot New Releases chart for New Age Meditation and #3 in Hot New Releases for the entire Mind, Body & Spirit category. We’re all delighted!

Hopefully these rankings will help it to get to the people who many benefit, which is what it was all about really, to try and help others from my own experience. It wasn't easy writing that book, over four years of digging deeper into the issues raised, re-writing and re-writing again. It got to the stage when I was done. Otherwise you could just keep re-writing your whole lifetime.

It wasn’t my intention to release it just before Samhain. I would have loved to have launched it months ago as it has become a bit of a weight, keeping me tied to the past, and desperate to break free and create space, but alas there was one delay after another, and well, I am a big believer in divine timing and also knew that the book was all about taking me on an inner journey and one thing I am continuously working with is patience and trust…so…

But what’s interesting is that really it’s perfectly timed without me having any control over it…another wonderful reminder that we should never try to control…because we are descending into the darkness, and this book of course entitled From Darkness Comes Light!. And I’ll be honest, the last week has been a little challenging, not least because of the eclipse and the intense energy it brought with it, but all my fears around being so open and vulnerable to criticism, let alone the fear of harming anyone through the words written, obviously never my intention, but one can never be sure how one’s words are received. It’s been a big week.

All of this then, drew me into a darkness, not because I was unhappy, but because of the fears and because of the sense of what next? There is this space, this emptiness, this not knowing, this not feeling entirely safe, because there is nothing concrete to hold into, because all is dark, transitioning from one way of being to another, and not yet sure what that looks like and therefore the mind’s tendency to want to replicate what has happened before because it is known and therefore safe.

This can cause one to live one’s life very much in one’s head, not really here, trying to work things our logically and rationally, unable to settle the energy down into the heart, because of the inability to let go to it, not a conscious resistance but a resistance nonetheless, and with all that a life review, figuring out what’s working and what’s not, noticing what is abiding and what is dropping away, where energy is being leaked and by whom, and what needs to be taken back again.

This has not been a bad thing because it has drawn me into myself again, caused me to want to rest, to retreat, to tighten boundaries, to be with myself again, after months of outward energy, and try to tie up loose ends, finish the book, release it out into the world, be there for clients, for the children, we know how it goes, always so much going on, but it doesn't have to be like that. What we see outside ourselves is a reflection of what is going on within, and I have seen too much busyness and noise, and now to find greater balance, calm and peace. Needless to say I have found myself in dolmens and making the most of alone opportunities.

It hadn’t dawned on me today, that this is actually the energy of Samhain, the cross-quarter autumnal festival, marking the end of the Celtic year and the beginning of the new one. This is the time of chaos and the several of normal order; endings and beginnings occurring simultaneously. The Celts understanding of the cycle of the year, the turning of the wheel, saw death and darkness as important and necessary, and this part of the cycle, on the wane down to the winter solstice, as a period of rest and regeneration before rebirth.

Like Beltain (1 May - famed by the St Michael’s ley line, which is aligned with Beltain sunrise and passes through Glastonbury Tor and Avebury), Samhain (pronounced sow-ein) is a magical time, because the veil between the world of matter and the unseen world of spirit becomes thin - a sort of crack in the fabric of space-time. It’s a time for going within, connecting with the mystery, divination, and communicating with our ancestors.

It’s also a time to re-evaluate our life and goals and to rid ourselves of any negativity or opposition that may surround our perceived achievements or hinder any future progress. In theory, Samhain should have seen the accomplishment of our previous desires and intentions, and now we seek to stabilise them and protect whatever has been gained. It’s important, because it is impossible to concentre or put energy into new goals, intentions and desires, when what we have is not yet secure.

This is the dark phase of the year, the the mystery of transformation can take place. But alas a part of us may die and that creates some resistance, some anxiety, some depression, some fear as we have to let go like the leaves on trees, and trust in spirit. But there has to be this death in preparation for something new to be reborn. It is a time to journey into the unconscious and the spirit realms within each of us and this of course asks us to sacrifice our outer selves for a while, to rest, sleep, meditate, slow down, be quiet - all the things I, and others I’m sure, have been drawn to do. .

Whatever needs to be born will become increasingly clear after time spent exploring our unconscious over the winter months, ready for rebirth in the spring. We can honour this cycle, safe in the knowledge that each end and death of what has been, of what is now old and done, will bring the opportunity for a fresh start, as each beginning also holds within it an end.

As Glennie Kindred writes, “This endless cycle of change is necessary, bringing renewal of cells, of our understanding, our ideas and ourselves. It means there are always new opportunities to start again, to stay healthy. Many illnesses are rooted in stuck energy patterns, emotional congestion and hanging onto the past.

We have been taught to fear our inner world and to mistrust the information we may receive through our intuition, and our connection to our inherent inner wisdom. Many of our actions come from our subconscious thinking and belief patterns. We may not always be aware of the subtle conditioned responses that may silently rule our lives…

…We need to turn and face our fears with courage and determination and find the potential hidden within them. From this courageous journey will come transformation, a balanced perspective and re-birth in the age-old tradition of Samhain”.

I couldn’t have written that better myself. We can probably all relate to it. And I wonder now if this is why so many are currently feeling anxious because of the energy of the Samhain let alone the eclipses, encouraging us to face our fears and consider where their roots may lie, being honest with ourselves and looking at our lives, seeing where we are with any goals, intentions and desires, paying attention to what needs to be protected, and noticing what needs to be let go of…our fears can be our greatest teacher.

thus it really is a time to drop within, the clocks changing, the dark nights drawing in, an opportunity to get beyond the rational and the logical and explore the edges of our own inner wilderness, beyond that which is seen, known and safe, to truly go to that fear of uncertainty and edginess…and sit deep into it…

I’ve been trying to do this. It’s not easy. But I know that there is no other way. Otherwise we just keep doing more of the same and wondering why we feel stagnant and stuck. Change. And this, was something else that entered my orbit today. The word ‘change’ is used to describe the money we receive when we pay for something and we get some back again. It is understood that this change, can create exactly that. Because we get to choose how we spend that change, and that change and the way we spend it, might just change our life.

We have the choice to use it to pay for things from ethical and independent organisations, or to use it to feed the big corporations. We can use it at farmers markets, supporting our community, we can use it at charity shops, recycling and re-using, we can do all sorts of things wit that change, we just need to be aware how we’re spending that change, and the impact that might have on this world…and how it might therefore be positively used to create change.

So there we go. Samhain. Bringing up our fears and the perfect energy for us to rest, renew and retreat within, to deepen into intuition and inner wisdom and to sacrifice our outer selves for the time being.

I’m excited to explore more of this with some of you at our Mind Your Mind, Yoni Yoga class tomorrow, to celebrate the launch of my book, with optional tea and cakes, conations to Guernsey Mind. All are welcome, 9.30-10.30am at Cobo Community Centre, bring a mat, a blanket and don’t forget the clocks go back!

Lastly, thank you again to those of you who have bought the e-book, it is still available on Amazon for 99p until Monday, and the paperback is now available on Amazon for £10.99, or from me for the same amount. Here’s the linkhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Darkness-Comes-Light-Journey-Wellness-ebook/dp/B0BKGJS9K8/ref=sr_1_1?crid=477D79DEILGD&keywords=From+Darkness+Comes+Light&qid=1667078257&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjgxIiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=from+darkness+comes+light%2Caps%2C134&sr=8-1

Oh and please don’t forget to leave a positive review! Thank you!

Happy Samhain.

Love Emma x

There's heightened anxiety in the air

Anxiety is definitely in the air. I don’t know much about the planetary alignments currently and whether that is to blame, or maybe it’s the effect of this now being eclipse season, or maybe it’s just that collectively our intuition knows that something is amiss, but we don’t yet know what exactly that is, or just a general vata-autumnal ungrounded thing going on, but it is real.

The majority of my clients this week have been anxious and some of them experiencing anxiety on a level never felt before. Many of them are not usually anxious, so are surprised about the intensity of the anxiety they have been feeling, deep in their solar plexus, so that they are actually getting physical symptoms, such as stomach ache, nausea and inner restlessness/churning.

I know I have blogged about this recently, but it’s still taking me by surprise, the extent that people are feeling it. They are manly ungrounded, too much mental energy, trying to work things out, stay in control, make sense of life as it is unfolding, with all its various challenges, which seem to be accentuated for many currently.

I know its easy for me to sit here and write about how we need to dig into trust when all anyone wants is something concentre to tell them that life will be OK, that they will be OK, that whatever they are worrying about (even if it is imagined and not real) will all work out OK, but really we have no choice, not if we want to maintain our sanity. We have to trust in something and try and elevate the perspective, see the good where we can ad know that ultimately, for now at least, in this moment, we are safe.

The trouble is, once anxiety takes hold then it can be difficult to shift it as the whole physical, mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual bodies get involved and sometimes we do need someone to help ground us and get our mental energy back down, into heart, and feet on the earth. Sometimes we just need some space out in nature to process and connect back in, or a chat with a close friend, to share whatever is bothering us, lighten our load, come back to centre and let go of stressing about things.

Often it is a letting go that is needed. Of trying to control things. Because let’s face it, we’re out of control down here. I mean we try to control things, but every once in a while the universe will remind us that we’re not in control, not really.

What I do know is that this way of living is not working for us as a society. Mental illness is prevalent. In England & Wales last year, the suicide rate was 6.9% higher than 2020, that’s the equivalent of 10.7 deaths per 100,000 and that’s only those who were formally registered as suicide. The greatest suffering is depression and anxiety. It’s everywhere. To me its an indication that we’re not living well. That we aren’t able to cope with the demands placed on us by the way society and our place in it has become. When will it stop?

It interests me what happens next. Because I can’t see how we can keep feeding the system and expecting things to change, how we can keep on this hamster wheel of busyness and financial pressures and not lose ourselves to it, not all crack up over it, lose our minds, stay under the duvet, unable to cope and be interactive in the world.

I was listening to The Chameleons today and they have this fab song called “Look Inwardly” and it’s ace, because the message is clear, ‘look inwardly”. That’s all we can do, look into ourselves and notice, and be honest about what isn’t working in our lives and maybe if enough of us do this, if enough of us say that this isn’t working for me, this pace, this technology, this automated world we now live in, then maybe something will change, and maybe we won’t be so overwhelmed, and anxious and depressed. And this really, is the only thing we can control - the choices we make and the way we think and relate.

And always there is the spirit, faith and digging deeper - as I wrote earlier - into trust.

So if you’re navigating anxiety be assured that you are not alone. Feel into it. Notice it for what it is. An emotional state. A mental game. An imagining. A need to be in control yet not managing to feel this. A worry. Whatever it is, notice what underlays it, the fear. Fear of dying. Fear of suffering. Fear of criticism. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment.

And when you have identified it, reassure your mind that all is well. Thank it for trying to help you. But let it know that it isn’t working anymore. And breathe. Find your roots. Imagine them from your tail bone down through your legs and take nourishment all the way up to your centre. Then come to your crown and imagine spirit flooding in and down to your centre. And breathe here. At your centre. Be in your centre in the here and now. It really does help to change things.

This too shall pass.

Love Emma x

Partial solar eclipse, anxiety and caring too much

We’ve a rare partial solar eclipse arriving on Tuesday, from 10.03 to 11.49am, when the sun will be partially obscured by the moon. Eclipses are potent. They change things. The ancients knew this and recorded through stones, so they knew when they were happening, pretty impressive really, way back when.

Here the internet tells us, how life has changed, and most will be unaware, and yet may well feel something different in the air. If you’re reading this before the event, you’ll have the awareness, and might be able to consciously feel into it. It’ll affect us whether we’re conscious of it or not however.

I’ve got a couple of Reiki attunements today, here from home, a Reiki Master and a Reiki Level One for a teenager, and I can’t help thinking what perfect timing, to increase one’s vibration and awareness of Reiki, just before an eclipse, to let go of the old, to allow more of the new in - creating space.

I’d love to say that we’re evolving as a humanity, I really would, and I have had many a discussion with people about this, because maybe I’m a little bit more cynical than most, or maybe because of my passion for neolithic stones and their vibration, and the manner in which they shift consciousness and try to expand on the perfection of nature, harmonise it, rather than destroy and control it, I see things differently. I don’t feel that we are evolving.

I feel that we’re descending into more chaos and darkness. And yes, maybe this is needed, like the birth canal, to shoot us out the other side, but, but, but, I also wonder if we just continuously feed more of the illusion under the guise of being spiritual. Because this whole notion of spirituality follows in patterns. I’ve commented on this before. Yoga was big. Mindfulness was big. Cacao was big. Shamanism is now big.

We follow trends and don’t always commit, don’t always allow ourselves to go deeper still in any one practice, instead we flit off to another, which promises us the love and light and joy that we’re still not feeling, because we don’t do the deeper work - we maintain the superficial. This is really where I see us. On the superficial. Flitting around. An impatient culture, wanting change but not prepared to do the inner work to create the change.

The Yoga Sutras tells us to practice. That it is through practice that we will experience what it is we seek. That it is through long term practice, without interruptions and with a positive attitude too. We have to commit. We have to go inwards. All the rest, well its all more of the superficial. All our flitting from one group to another, from one circle to another. It’s all external. We want someone else to fix us, still viewing science and the doctor as God, expecting the latter (and the former now I think about it) to know us more than we know ourselves. In this way, we give away our power.

The moon has a clever way of bringing up our patterns. The moon will cover part of the sun on Tuesday. That’s unusual. This is what makes it potent. A shift in forces. Things not what they seem. An extraordinary event to challenge our sense of safety and security, take us out our comfort zone of knowing that the moon does this and the sun does that, and it does, each planet has its pattern, and sometimes their patterns combine to create a new vibration, to change the energy and the forces that flow towards us here on planet earth.

So perhaps its to be expected that we may be feeling more anxious than usual. Like we know, but don’t know. Like the earth isn’t quite so stable. And all our attempts to make it so are null and devoid when it comes to nature. Natural disasters happen. Weather patterns change. There are some things we can’t control despite our best efforts to make it so. We live in a society that has been structured to maximise power and control for certain individuals, and the rest of us slaves to this system. It allows us a sense of security. We know where we’re at. But it comes at a cost because it is illusionary and doesn’t necessarily accord with our soul.

It’s not that the ground drops away, because it doesn’t. But life events happen that make us lose our grounding anyway. Covid did this, powerfully too. But we clung back to old routines and ways of being, we craved the norm, the same structure, power and control, amassing our fortune, feeling safe and secure. And yet, this can still be taken away. The financial markets have sent many a person into a spin lately, increased interest rates challenging people, let alone the increasing cost of energy, all of this throwing light into the shadows of what we believe to be safe…everything changes.

So, anyway, its perhaps not surprising that so many are currently feeling intense anxiety. It’s that time of year. I blogged about this recently, about everything being up in the air, about this being the Vata time of year, an excess of air and ether, both of which can create a feeling of anxiety, a groundlessness, as if one is without an anchor, cast adrift. People have literally been saying this to me too - that they feel without an anchor. Life is still up in the air it seems.

Anxiety is a horrible feeling. I have blogged about this too, and I write about it at length in my new book which is coming out this week. Incidentally, if you’re not already signed up for my Launch Squad, I’d be so very grateful if you could help me out by going to Amazon on Thursday and buying the e-book From Darkness Comes Light at the special price of 99p! Yes, a whole 99p. And if you get the book on Thursday you’re entitled to come along to my ‘Mind Your Mind, Yoni Yoga for Mental Wellbeing’ class next Sunday 30th October for free and stay on and enjoy a cup of tea and cake, with donations to Guernsey Mind.

The impending release of my book has created some anxiety for me. It is a very honest book and it brings up a certain vulnerability. I feel anxious for my family, because it’s not easy for them, me writing about my life and sharing so openly with others. My inner journey, the issues I have had to navigate, have no bearing on them, they have always done all they can to support me, but it’s only natural that they might feel exposed too and I might feel exposed for them.

It was a difficult book to write, and it certainly pushed things here at home, writing books consumes one’s attention, and the content asked me to did deep and do the inner work that was unresolved. This took me to layers of anxiety that I didn’t know existed, and the publishing of the book has done the same. There are always layers it seems and levels to our awareness and what needs to be released in any given time.

But generally, there is an anxiety in the air and you too may be feeling it. To me it feels like we are being asked to go into it and enquire into the nature of it, so that we can release it. I have noticed my own patterning around it, when the feeling arises, there is usually something going on, a conversation that needs to be had, a confrontation, an exposure, something that challenges a core belief or a way of being that is no longer helpful, aways there is an underlying fear.

I touched an underlying fear myself last night, which I didn’t know was there until I felt into it and asked myself what was creating the anxious feeling I was feeling - it was a fear of letting people down. I can see how there are times when I give too much of myself and compromise my boundaries and my family time, because of this fear, and how I need to now own it and put into practice more of my sense that we shouldn’t really care, not because we’re not caring, but because we need to care more about our self and value our self.

It’s not easy, but there has to come a point where we say enough. Where we have to take back our power and say no, that such and such isn’t working for us, that we have allowed a certain way of being to manage a fear. If we can go to that fear and let go of its hold over us, then it sets us free. This is the path to liberation, and it is very much centred in the heart. Love for self ultimately.

I find anxiety such an interesting feeling to work with. I haven’t read anything about this new moon and there are still a few days to feel into it, but I would encourage you to feel into any anxiety that it is bringing up for you, any sense of being groundless, of fearing the unknown, and of fearing your own inner power. Also, how much we each of us feed a system that is illusionary, that takes us away from ourselves and gives us a false sense of security. Can we hold ourselves truly? Can we stand on our own two feet and retain our centre, regardless of what’s going on? Can we live in accordance with our heart, regardless of what our mind says? Essentially - can we trust our intuition?

The practice helps. And that’s where I am off to now. Let’s see what the moon does and what the eclipse helps to create. If it’s love for self that is truly lived, caring about ourselves, trusting in ourselves and our intuition then maybe the cynic in me can quieten down a bit!

Love Emma x