Part 24 - High Risk Pregnancy?

The sickness arrived earlier, at five weeks this time and I felt awful. It was all consuming and particularly challenging with a toddler in tow. There just wasn’t the opportunity to rest as there had been during my first pregnancy and I struggled with this.

At seven weeks’ gestation I bled. I felt pretty certain that I was meant to have this baby, but this experience certainly tested my faith. I could still feel the energy of the baby within me and my pendulum was also suggesting that all was well, but the blood made me think otherwise.

It was a nervous hour as we waited to see the doctor, who confirmed that while my cervix was closed, there was still a high chance of miscarriage. She referred me on to the specialist who managed to see me the next day.

We were due a seven-week early pregnancy scan anyway, and it was a relief to see the heart beating on the screen; our growing embryo was alive and well and my faith was strengthened. It was also a reminder that we are all heart. It’s a profound moment when you get to see this in play; that heart and love is all there is really.

However, I did have a clot in my womb that was significantly larger than the growing embryo so I was placed on bed rest for a week.  This was a blessing of sorts as it provided me with an opportunity to rest, and helped ease me through this stage of the sickness as I was able to sleep and chill out.   

After the week on bed rest, life returned to normal, well as much as it can when you feel dreadfully sick, and over time the clot was re-absorbed by my body.  This whole episode did remind me of the need to take it slowly, and this certainly impacted on my yoga practice.

When I was pregnant with Elijah I continued with my active Vinyasa practice, making little allowance for the pregnancy. Yet now I felt very differently about the style of yoga and relished taking the practice gently. I adopted a much more feminine approach to my practice and was inspired greatly by the teachings of Uma Dinsmore-Tuli. I also made sure to incorporate Yoga Nidra and resting when I could to support the pregnancy.

The energy of this baby felt different than it had done with Elijah, which I found fascinating. S/he was less active, which concerned me at times, and encouraged me to dig deep and trust that all would be well. S/he felt much more grounded though and I had a sense that this was my healing baby.

I considered that perhaps this time I would be able to home birth and even though E was a little uncertain, I engaged the services of my doula, Anita, again. I wanted to have the spiritual birth experience that I hadn’t been able to have with Elijah and I wanted to do all I could to avoid having another Caesarean Section.

I was challenged therefore when I was scored by my midwife as being ‘high risk’.

“High risk, what on earth for?” I demanded to know.

“Well you’re over 40 years old, you’ve had a previous Caesarean Section and you’ve had IVF”, my midwife explained.

“But that’s ridiculous”, I tried to explain, “I’m fit and healthy and keen to homebirth”.

“Oh you won’t be able to do that”, she told me, “you’ll be under specialist care now”.

And with that the frustration began to set in again.

It didn’t help that when I saw the specialist for my initial consultation he was surprised I didn’t want a repeat Caesarean Section.

“Absolutely not”, I tried to tell him, “I had a bad experience last time and I certainly don’t want to repeat that again”.

With that he told me that my risk factors meant that there was absolutely no way that I could have a home birth. I was also not going to be allowed to go beyond 40 weeks without intervention and a Caesarean Section would likely become another reality.

I was incensed.  The specialist was new to the Island and seemed super cautious and I didn’t feel that he was listening to me.  E had come with me to the appointment and while he was pleased to hear that a homebirth was not going to be an option, he too felt that me being deemed ‘high risk’ was ridiculous.

There was another aspect to the appointment that also challenged me.  I knew with certainty the date of conception, as the clinic had confirmed this to me, but the 12-week dating scan had given me an estimated due date three days earlier than the ‘real’ one.  I have always been a little dubious of the due date thing, simply because babies arrive when they are ready, not the date that a machine has given to them based on the 12-week scan.

I was aware that the due date could play a significant role in one’s experience of late pregnancy and birth.  And now with the specialist talking about not letting me go beyond 40 weeks, those three days of discrepancy in due date became increasingly important to me.  I didn’t want the computer generated earlier due date, I wanted the due date given to me by the clinic, which was 2 December, just after E’s 50th birthday.

At the second appointment I got angry.  The specialist was again talking about the possibility of a Caesarean Section being the safest option for delivery and I was trying to say to him that I absolutely didn’t want a Caesarean Section, nor did I want intervention at 40 weeks which may inevitably lead to a Caesarean Section, and I absolutely didn’t want continuous monitoring of the baby either.

He was trying to stress the fact to me that the health of the baby was the most important thing to consider in terms of delivery.  I didn’t disagree with him but I did mention that my emotional and mental needs were important too, as I tried to explain how awful I had felt following Elijah’s birth and how I didn’t want to feel like that again.

He then asked me how I felt he should prioritise the health of the baby with my mental and emotional needs, which incensed me further.  Of course he needed to consider the health of the baby, that went without saying, but asking me to prioritise this was ridiculous, in my eyes it didn’t have to be so black and white.

E was also tested by this. He appreciated my need for a vaginal delivery and didn’t understand why that was going to be so difficult to achieve. I was fit and healthy, so in his eyes my age as a risk factor seemed crazy. He challenged the specialist on this but the specialist wasn’t listening. 

I was high risk and that was that. This meant growth scans throughout my pregnancy and a clinical birth. By the end of the appointment I felt disempowered, angry and frustrated. I didn’t want a Caesarean Section and I didn’t want the baby arriving earlier than it chose to arrive. Frankly I didn’t want any of this. I just wanted an empowering, joyful and spiritually enlightening homebirth.

It was a huge insight for me into how easily manipulated women are during pregnancy and how easily you can drop into a place of fear. I’d read extensively about birthing without fear and yet here I was, now full of fear. The specialist had tapped into my vulnerability and made me feel that my body was incapable of growing or birthing the baby without medical assistance.

I also felt that to choose an alternative birthing route would make me an incredibly irresponsible mother putting my baby and my life at risk. It didn’t help that E had also been affected by the fear pervading our specialist appointments and so I had the pressure of that too. While I desperately wanted to tap into and trust my body wisdom, the pressure to get it ‘right’ was now huge, trying for the birth of my choice seemed a massive undertaking.

I decided I couldn’t see the specialist again. His approach to my pregnancy was detrimentally affecting my experience of the pregnancy and making me feel sad and vulnerable. I cancelled my next couple of appointments with him and yet felt wayward even doing this, what if I did end up needing specialist care after all? I just wanted it all to go away and considered that my best option was birthing in a field on my own and seeing what happened!

My doula was aware how disempowered I felt from my specialist appointments and encouraged me to seek a resolution to it. As such I ended up contacting the Consultant Midwife here in Guernsey, and explained to her my concerns about the specialist led care and also the fact I was keen to birth at home if I could. 

She was wonderful, a true angel. She listened to me, which is something the specialist wasn’t doing, and this in itself was hugely empowering.  She also took action and arranged for me to see a specialist who would be more compassionate to my needs. She also confirmed that the midwife team would support me in my quest for a home birth.

I could have cried with the relief.  All of a sudden I felt liberated and supported and with that I felt that I could enjoy my pregnancy again.

After the morning sickness eased at 16 weeks, I really enjoyed this second pregnancy.  I’ve written about it before but morning sickness is so debilitating and it was a relief when it ended. Of course it was tiring, especially as Elijah was still waking at least once a night and wanted to be carried all the time, but it was a highlight in my life; I felt truly blessed.

I continued reading extensively on vaginal birth after Caesarean Section and homebirth.  I felt comfortable with my decision to try for a homebirth and decided that I would delay that conversation with my specialist for as long as possible. In many respects I should have opted not to see the specialist, but when you’re in the system it is very difficult to get yourself out of it without being made to feel irresponsible.

I finally saw the new specialist, who was female, and much more appreciative of my need to try for a vaginal birth, but was adamant that I shouldn’t be considering a home birth. She stressed the risk factors in doing both, which was frustrating because I felt the fear rearing its ugly head and had to be mindful of allowing the medical perspective to disempower me again.

It’s really incredible how we have managed to populate the world as we have when birth is considered so dangerous.  I appreciate there are risks.  The initial specialist had been keen to highlight this to me, when he quoted birthing vaginally in Afghanistan as being a very different experience from birthing vaginally in Guernsey. Women and babies regularly die from childbirth in Afghanistan, yet they don’t here, and we have the medical world to thank for that. And I guess we do really.  But all the same…

Still, there was still a high chance that despite all my efforts for a homebirth, this wasn’t going to happen because rather annoyingly here at 29 weeks, my baby was lying breech. I had already noticed this. I’d stupidly demonstrated a handstand in class the week earlier and whether that had been the reason I’ll never know, but it certainly hadn’t helped.

I was annoyed at myself for jeopardising the position of the baby. Elijah had been breech but due to the placenta previa it hadn’t really mattered so I had continued inverting during my yoga practice. But this time, I had been practicing yoga incredibly gently to ensure that this baby didn’t end up breech too.

Needless to say that the specialist was keen to point out to me (as it was her job to do) that if the baby remained breech at 36 weeks then we would need to discuss options for delivery. Sadly, breech babies are no longer allowed to be birthed vaginally and so a Caesarean Section would be the only option. Where was my luck?! I now had another hurdle to overcome and with that I took myself off to read all I could on breech babies and turning them around.

Part 23 - Another Frozen Embryo Cycle

I can’t tell you what a difference a few months made in aligning me fully to the IVF process. It was a huge lesson for me. There is a timing for everything and you cannot rush these things. You absolutely cannot afford to have any resistance to the treatment either.

I was absolutely not ready in October. I was not aligned in any way and there was a good deal of underlying resistance. I was doing what I thought I should do, rather than what I felt I should do. I was fearful of time rushing away and unfulfilled dreams. And because of this, it lacked grounding, there was no connection to the Universe, I was misreading signs and full of fear rather than excitement.

Life was very different now. It was February 2016 and I felt truly committed to fulfilling my New Year’s intention of bringing new life into the world. I was ready. I was excited. The timing felt right, the energy of the New Year for me is all about new beginnings and with the Spring energy of new life approaching, I was keen to tap into it. Everything has a resonance to it, and for me this time of year and IVF had a meaning to it.

This time we decided that we wouldn’t tell anyone, not even our parents, so that it could be our own special journey, E and I. This made a huge difference as it gave the experience more intimacy. I also made it known that I was retreating a little from the world, to focus on a creative writing project, but of course there were two creative projects going on and the significance of this – at least energetically, emotionally and spiritually - was crucial for me. It was a time to create.

The frozen embryo cycle was identical to that we had followed in October. The only difference was the fact we paid an additional amount for embryo glue, which is meant to help the embryo implant in the uterus.

In terms of drugs, here we were again; day nineteen of my cycle on 8 February 2016 and I started a seven-day course of the oral Provera so that my cycle could be controlled once more. Two days later the injecting began. Twelve days after that I had a blood test to determine that my body was responding to the drugs positively. Six days after that and we started the GEEP cycle, which involved the Progynova tablets.

I recognised the need to retreat from the world and immerse myself in the healing power of nature during the beginning of treatment, and to give it the attention it deserved. Thus the three of us retreated to the Island of Herm together for four days in the depths of winter and turned off the WIFI.  We spent our days walking around the Island immersed in the beauty of nature in the winter time, often not seeing another person.

We swam in the freezing cold sea, which I’ve always found to be both physically invigorating and so good for the soul. I also practised yoga on my own, enjoying the views of the sea from my yoga space in the cosy cottage we had rented, and resting with my legs up the wall, channelling Reiki onto my womb space.

It was a special time and ensured that we were truly in the intimate IVF zone for the rest of the treatment. It was now just a matter of continuing with this and as I did so, my connection to the Divine deepened and my faith was restored – Amen.

So by the time we got to embryo transfer I was getting really excited. It was due to happen a few days after my March Yoga and Wellbeing retreat on Herm and that whole weekend just felt perfect in terms of preparing me. Not least the energy of Herm and immersing oneself in that beautiful yogic energy with other like minded souls but more swimming in the sea and the connection to nature that the weekend provided.

It seemed that every time we left our room there was a robin in the tree outside the hotel. Robins are angels in disguise and also serve as validation that life is about to change. It was most certainly a sign and I took great comfort in this. So too on the way to the airport a few days later, when an owl flew right in front of the car at dusk. It was such a random occurrence that even E was blown away by the coincidence.

There is always the risk that the embryo – or in this case the six day old blastocyst which had been frozen for three years now – may not survive the thawing process and that the seven weeks of medication have been in vain. But fortunately for us this was not the case, the blastocyst survived and I felt that it had been waiting the whole time patiently for us.

We had left Elijah with my parents in Guernsey, and this was the first time we had ever been away without him. It felt strange but appropriate too, a little more intimate, ideal given that we were intending to ‘conceive’ new life.  We stayed in the same hotel we had stayed in for the initial treatment three years earlier, which felt appropriate, ending the journey (or so we hoped) where it had begun.

The next morning, I was able to practice some yoga to help centre myself before walking around the beautiful grounds of the hotel together.  Strangely it was another clear wintery morning, as it had been the previous time we had stayed, and I practiced some more yoga in the deer circle before hugging the very old cedar tree and saying my prayers to the ethereal beings. 

At the clinic it was far less clinical than it had been in October.  The nurse was known to us and the consultant was friendly and personable and this time we got to see the star of the blastocyst going into my womb, hoorah. When we left, we said goodbye to the consultant and the nurse and I was fairly confident we wouldn’t need to return to the clinic again.

I felt the energy of the blastocyst in my tummy immediately; it was strong and vibrant, expansive too, full of the potential of new life. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to connect to the energy of life from conception like this and it gave me immense comfort during my pregnancy, but especially in those earlier days.

However even though I could feel this energy and had faith in a positive outcome, I was still challenged by the 12-day waiting period to take the test. I would sit at the beginning of my yoga practice and notice where I was feeing sensation in my body and inevitably it was in my stomach and as I dropped my awareness deeper into it, I recognised it as fear.

Fear really had no reason to be there, it was my mind playing tricks, my heart had a sense that all was well, and I could actually feel the blastocyst taking root inside me! So I sat with the awareness deep in my tummy, being curious to see what happened and inevitably there would be a shift and the anxiety would ease.

It was ridiculous really, because while there was the fear and anxiety there was also this knowing that all would be well and the Universe was certainly leaving me plenty of signs to validate this.   Three days before the test someone at work made an offhand comment about me being the next lady in the office to get pregnant; ha ha, if only they knew.

The next day, on a training course this time, we were given a pink USB stick that one of the guys mentioned looked like a pregnancy testing stick. He accidentally dropped it on the floor and it landed just by me so he reached down to pick it up and said to me, “oh it says you’re pregnant Emma”.  I chuckled to myself because little did he know that in two day’s time I would be taking a test that would hopefully tell me this!

There were other signs too – the child related cards flew out of my pack of angel cards and robins and feathers were everywhere I looked so I knew I was surrounded by the angels. This is not to say that there’s anything special about me, just that I had aligned myself on that level and was feeling the support of the Universe, which really helped to keep my spirit high.

It was 5am on testing day when I took the test, which fortunately validated what I already knew.  I was pregnant! The Goddess of the moon had bestowed me with child and I was ecstatic. I couldn’t stop smiling. E was relieved and my parents were joyful. My dream was coming true.  Maybe now I’d get the spiritual awakening that can accompany birth – a homebirth, or so I hoped.

Part 22 - Recovering from a failed IVF cycle

Failing an IVF cycle sucks. It’s not so much the wasted time and money, nor the fact you’ve pumped medication into your body unnecessarily but it’s the loss of the life you began to allow yourself to imagine. Broken dreams. And the fact that on some level you feel that you’re not good enough to be blessed with the gift of new life, almost as if the Universe has it in for you.

I know that I needed to understand how a failed IVF cycle felt to be a more empathetic, conscious and compassionate healer, and be able to help others, but it still hurt.  Having already had Elijah undoubtedly softened the blow and I can only imagine how much tougher it must be for those couples who have not already been blessed with a baby. Furthermore, I cannot imagine having to go through failed cycles repeatedly.

Deep down I had known the IVF wasn’t going to work and I’d self sabotaged really, but this didn’t stop me from feeling shocked. It was my wake up call and it was E’s wake up call too. He’d been going through the motions with me but not feeling it either, concerned as he was whether we would cope with another baby with both of us still so sleep deprived by the first.

We processed the failing in our own way and both concluded that actually, yes, we really did want another baby. We’d been told the greatest gift we could give Elijah was a sibling, and we both felt this. We were older parents with siblings of our own living, for the most part, the other side of the world and we didn’t want Elijah being left on his own.

We were also very well aware that we only had one frozen blastocyst still remaining, stored as it was in the clinic in Southampton. We knew this was our last chance because we didn’t want to have to go through the whole process from the beginning again, it was this blastocyst or it was none.

I still recall the moment in the clinic during embryo transfer the first time, when two of the three blastocysts had been inserted into my uterus, and we were told that the remaining blastocyst would be frozen. I had this overwhelming sense that the blastocyst would become a baby one day.  It had concerned me slightly as I had always dreamt of having two children and we had the potential for twins with that first cycle.

However, they say that the Universe only gives you as much as you can handle and clearly we weren’t going to be able to manage twins as only one of the blastocysts took. And now here we were, hoping to try for a second baby and only having that one frozen blastocyst left. 

It’s a strange concept; a life conceived with the energy of a February full moon in 2013 and yet frozen in time for use in another year.

I knew now, with absolute certainty, that I wanted this frozen blastocyct to become a baby.  I also knew that to achieve this, I needed to make changes. My body felt acidic and exhausted, my mind was cluttered and agitated, my spirit had been flagging and my life too busy and noisy.  I recognised that it was time to retreat, heal, deepen my faith and get my feet firmly back down on the ground again.

It was October at the time and I had a follow-up telephone call with the clinic, confirming that I wanted to try again using our final blastocyst.  The clinic was happy for me to begin whenever I felt ready and I had a feeling that this would be in the following February.  I was keen to align the frozen embryo cycle as closely as possible with the original cycle, and give myself plenty of time to heal.

The seasons each have their own energy, encouraging a different way of being, you can see this clearly in nature. Spring is full of the incredibly vibrancy of new life and new beginnings, ignited by Imbolc on 1 February and I wanted to tap into this.  I felt that to thaw the blastocyst in the same seasonal energy that it was frozen would spark some recognition and there would be a resonance that would be lacking at other times of the year.

Furthermore, nature encourages one to retreat, rejuvenate and replenish during the darker months of the year and I was keen to flow with this.  The timing felt ‘right’ as if it was always meant to be.

And I suspect it was always meant to be, for it felt as if my decision-making caused a rush of support to come in. I asked the angels for help and help was given.

I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go and see my Ayurvedic doctor and on her recommendation, and with complete ease, I booked myself on a three-day Pancha karma at her clinic near Gatwick during the beginning of December.    

This was a deeply healing experience, not least the opportunity to spend two nights on my own and much of it in silence, but the effect of the treatments too. I was massaged within an inch of my life, my body nourished and my mind cooled and quietened with glorious oils and herbs, and my soul nurtured and brought back to life. My feet were also brought back down to earth again.

There was another benefit to the trip in that Elijah self-weaned.  He was two by then and I had been praying for a peaceful weaning experience, and lo and behold here it came. My Ayurvedic doctor had been keen for me to wean him and had proposed the use of herbs which would make my milk taste bitter.

It had taken me a while to come to terms with this, and reach the point where I felt ready to do so, and so I agreed to the herbs being massaged around my nipples during the treatment.  Whether Elijah could sense the change in my smell, or had decided himself that he was ready to wean, I’ll never know, but strangely he didn’t even try to feed. I admit I grieved for a few days, but I was welcoming of the shift this created for the family.

I’ll also admit that Elijah started sleeping better, now he woke every three hours. The trouble was I couldn’t now pacify him with my breast, but a cuddle seemed to do the job, so I spent much of the night cuddling him now.  This didn’t seem so bad, plus I started to feel like I had a little more energy, and I enjoyed the additional freedom – E could now try settling him to sleep (this is the bit that now took the time and energy!).

I also went for some Ki massage sessions with an intuitive healer, who helped me to recognise and come to terms with the anger and rage I had been holding in my uterus towards the placenta previa and the Caesarean Section. The sessions were insightful and taught me a lot about how we hold our emotions in the physical body and how this affects how we feel on every other level and how our lives unfold in the material world as a result of this.

I also finally managed to find an ornament for my altar of a family of four, so I had a clear visual of what I was trying to create. I updated my vision board too, with images of babies and me pregnant. I know that the jury is out on vision boards as you need to also feel whatever it is you’re trying to create but for me the visual has always helped in manifesting the dream.

New Year arrived and with that I did a burning bowl ceremony where I let go of the old, and set my intentions for the year ahead – it was easy, 2016 was about creation and bringing another soul into the world.

Once an intention has been set and is felt deep within one’s heart and soul, then a spark ignites in the ether and the Universe conspires to provide the support that is needed to assist you on your journey.  All you’ve got to do is get out of the way and try not to control the process.

It was poignant therefore that two weeks later I cracked some ribs while skiing my last run of the holiday. I quickly realised why it had happened because it hurt to move, which meant I couldn’t really do anything. I had needed to slow down and the Universe had intervened and made sure of that!

As I mentioned, the Universe will always support what you are trying to create if it is heart felt, but it will never unfold in a way you could imagine. It will leave signs and prompts to direct you along the path, but if you continue ignoring them and not listening to the advice that is given then it will take drastic action to get your attention.

The Universe had my attention and I almost laughed at the state I now found myself in.  I had little choice but to rest. I couldn’t exercise and I couldn’t practice yoga, at least not in the active manner I had been practicing previously. It was a blessing really, as it encouraged me into a whole new way of being, especially on my yoga mat.

It gave me the opportunity to practice restorative yoga, which I had not practiced for years.  It was perfect, as it helped me to acknowledge the depths of my exhaustion and to (finally) do something about this.  I was amazed how quickly I felt the benefits of resting in poses for prolonged periods of time, and am thankful to Judith Lasater’s book called “Rest and Renew” for guidance with this

I also dropped into my Yoga Nidra space again and now felt aligned with the Sankalpa, “I am pregnant with a healthy baby”. I was meditating again too and I prayed for a successful IVF cycle and asked for the support and guidance of the angels.  I invested in Rose Quartz and Moonstone, both reputed to assist with fertility and pregnancy and dowsed for Bach Floral remedies to support me.

By the February I was feeling more myself again.  I was stronger physically and mentally than I had been for some time and my faith and connection to Source felt restored. I also felt empowered, as I had listened to my intuition and the guidance of the Universe and tried my best to flow with both and now here I was feeling whole and centred again; healed then.

I knew I was now ready for another round of IVF and I had a strong feeling that this time it would result in a positive outcome. I was back in my IVF zone and focused on doing all I could to support and trust in the process.

Part 21 - A Frozen Embryo Cycle

Once my fortieth birthday was celebrated I felt a pressure – admittedly my own - to try another round of IVF and use one of the three frozen embryos stored at the clinic in Southampton.  It was July and Elijah was due to turn two in the November and I was aware that time was ticking and we weren’t getting any younger.

The miracle of science means that embryos can be frozen in time and thawed for use in future cycles, depending on their quality. This is called a frozen cycle and means that you have to take medication to prevent ovulation and to prepare the womb for embryo transfer. Once the endometrium (lining of the womb) is of the right thickness, further medication is introduced and the thawing process takes place.

The embryos are thawed in the laboratory and assessed as to whether they have fully survived the thawing process. Sometimes embryos don’t survive the thawing process, or aren’t of a good enough quality to be used, and if this happens then there is little that can be done, aside from meet with one of the consultants to discuss further options.

I have always appreciated that there are no guarantees with IVF, but I was feeling desperately uncomfortable with the thought that you could take a whole heap of medication to get your body ready to receive an embryo, only for the embryo to die during the thawing process, or not be of a good enough quality to be used in that particular IVF cycle.

It was for this reason that I decided I would continue breastfeeding despite the fact that breastfeeding is a big ‘no, no’ in the IVF world. I had spent months deliberating about this and had even had counselling to help me make a decision.

However, I now knew with complete certainty that I wanted to breastfeed Elijah until he was two years old regardless of the IVF; I was keen to do all I could to promote and support his immune system, plus I definitely wasn’t (and I didn’t think he was either) ready to give up this beautifully intimate experience.

I read extensively on the subject and took much comfort in the fact that I was not alone. Many women go through the breastfeeding/IVF quandary and with good reason. For many, this may be their only chance to breastfeed as there are no guarantees that the IVF will work for them again.

Furthermore, while the clinics insist that you stop due to the potential harmful effect on the breastfed toddler or child, there is little research or evidence to quantify this.  It is more due to concern about the effect that breastfeeding has on a woman’s hormonal status and the manner in which this may impact on the effectiveness of the IVF drugs.

Like most women in my position, I was effectively hedging my bets. It’s not an easy decision to make and I was easily judged for it. But at the end of the day, right, or wrong, it was the decision that I felt most comfortable with for all concerned, and E supported me with it.

We had a telephone set-up appointment with a nurse at Wessex, to run through the process.  There were lots of forms for both E and I to complete and I had to have another HIV test as my previous one had expired.  This was slightly annoying as it was yet another IVF expense, although the frozen embryo cycle was going to cost us significantly less than the first cycle at approximately £3,000 (including our travel and blood tests etc.).

I had to attend MSG in Guernsey to be reminded how to inject myself and to pick up my prescription for the drugs.  My heart felt heavy and I couldn’t get excited like I had done on the first attempt.  I didn’t really want to be injecting myself with all the drugs, and I felt the self-pity seeping in before I’d even begun.

I was very well aware that IVF is hard work. It demands metal, emotional and physical strength and I was tired. The constant sleepless nights had taken their toll, plus our lifestyle hadn’t slowed down at all.  It was the summer and the summer is active in nature and I was active with it.  I didn’t know how to stop, or to get to bed early, or to do any of those things that might encourage a more restful state of being.

I also hadn’t really prepared myself beyond reducing my wine consumption and eating as healthily as I could.  I was still practicing yoga, but not in a manner that might support the IVF. I didn’t seem to have the time to meditate or to practice Yoga Nidra as I had done previously and anyway the Sankalpa, “I am pregnant with a healthy baby” felt forced and didn’t resonate.

Furthermore, while I went for a few acupuncture sessions, I did this because I felt that I had to, and even then it was tricky finding the time, and I would rush in and rush out to get on with whatever else I had scheduled into my busy days. I certainly didn’t manage to find the time to go for reflexology and Reiki sessions; having a toddler in my life and a busy job certainly challenged this.

Day 19 of that cycle finally arrived and with that I started a seven-day course of Provera. This is a synthetic form of progesterone which the clinic uses to suppress the natural cycle so that they can then control it through drugs. It’s a tablet, which felt strong on my liver and I wasn’t best pleased about having my cycle suppressed like this.

I am fascinated by women’s cycles and the manner in which these can be so insightful about how we are living our lives and our mental, emotional and spiritual state of being. We have a womb wisdom and I wasn’t sure I liked my womb being artificially manipulated like this.  I had a level of resistance to the process, and angst about what was happening to my body.

On day 21, I had to start injecting the drug, Buserelin. Buserelin is a synthetic form of a hormone which occurs naturally in the body. It works by acting on the pituitary gland in the brain to stop the production of natural hormones that control the release of eggs from the ovaries. E administered the injections for me and I tried my best to just suck it up again and accept my reality, but I quickly grew weary of the drug regime.

Ten days later my period started and four days after that I had to attend MSG for a blood test.  It was such a relief that this testing could be done on Guernsey so that I didn’t need to travel to Southampton. The test checks the levels of the hormone oestrogen in your blood to see whether suppression has occurred.

Fortunately, I was suitably supressed and with that we were now able to move to the GEEP cycle. It really felt like a long and drawn out treatment schedule as I had been taking drugs for 15 days at that point, and was now about to begin a new cycle of the treatment plan.

This cycle involved a reduction in the dosage of the Buserelin, although this still needed to be injected daily.  Also, I now had to start Progynova, oestrogen tablets which are administered in order to prepare the endometrium for implantation. I had to take 2mg dosage for five days, before the dosage was increased to 4mg for four days and then up to 6mg for the remainder of the treatment.

Day 15 of the GEEP cycle and I began taking the Cyclogest pessaries twice a day too. Cyclogest contains the active ingredient progesterone, which acts on the womb lining and causes it to thicken in preparation for a fertilised egg to implant. On the basis that pregnancy occurs, this medication is continued until the the placenta develops fully and begins to produce progesterone to continue to support the pregnancy.

This meant that each morning I was now injecting Buserelin and taking 2mg of Progynova and 400mg of Cyclogest.  At lunchtime I had to take an additional 2mg of Progynova and then in the evening I took the last 2mg of the Progynova and also an additional 400mg of the Cyclogest.  While inserting a pessary into the vagina twice a day is not ideal, at least it bypassed the liver, so that was one less thing to process.

On day 17 of the GEEP cycle I had to attend Southampton for a blood test, with the possibility of embryo transfer a few days later. It wasn’t ideal timing as this coincided with a pre-booked yoga course with Cyndi Lee in London that I was due to attend with a friend.

This meant having to tell my friend what was happening, which was unfortunate as we had hoped to keep the IVF a secret, not only to make it more intimate but to reduce the pressure when it came to the testing. Furthermore, while I tried to convince myself that a yoga course was the ideal environment for an embryo to take root, rushing up to London with family now in tow was likely going to challenge that.

We also now had two days between the blood test and embryo transfer to fill and I felt this overwhelming and all encompassing need to go to Glastonbury. We’d visited briefly when Elijah was three months old, and something about the energy of the place had gotten under my skin. I knew I needed to return.

They say that Glastonbury is the heart chakra of the world and home of the Mother Goddess. It is located where the St Michael and St Mary ley lines meet and has an incredibly healing and nurturing energy. It attracts spiritual seekers and those connecting to the other worlds. For me, it feels a little like coming home.

It wasn’t until we were in Glastonbury however that I realised how much I needed its energy and its healing. This was validated to me on the eve of embryo transfer when I went for an Angel Reiki session with a practitioner in the centre of town.  The lady commented that I wasn’t in the here and now, floating in the ether instead. She was right, I was aware that I had been ungrounded and disconnected since the trauma of the placenta previa, two years before.

The lady knew that I was undertaking IVF and I knew that she knew that there wasn’t a soul waiting to come in.  How could it as I had no grounding or anchoring to draw it in. It was a desperately uncomfortable feeling, and I didn’t like that she could see my truth so clearly through the layers of denial I’d created.

It felt strange being in the centre of town that afternoon as I felt as if I was floating through it and I saw others floating through it too.  I was deeply aware that what we put out is reflected back to us and I was uncomfortable seeing so many lost souls wandering around. I couldn’t keep pretending that all was well and there was a painful recognition that I too was fragmented and disconnected to my soul.

Walking up Glastonbury Tor later that afternoon, I wondered whether I had been drawn to Glastonbury to ground ahead of embryo transfer, as if I might wing it at the last minute. It’s a ridiculous thought really as you don’t just ‘wing’ IVF. There was no chance of that regardless as I continued to self sabotage into the evening drinking some wine with a particularly spicy meal, which I’m very well aware imbalances my energy.

A part of me was hugely resisting the IVF process, because deep down, in my heart of hearts, I knew that I wasn’t ready. How could I be? I wasn’t sure who I was and what I wanted anymore.

It was a fascinating experience as it gave me a real insight into the energy of manifestation and how we absolutely need to be whole and aligned, and how we need to feel deep within with every ounce of our being whatever it is we’re trying to create and bring in.

I certainly wasn’t feeling it.  I felt like a fraud praying for a healthy pregnancy because this wasn’t my truth, so I prayed for other things instead, things that seemed more pressing and which had nothing to do with the IVF process.

The next day we returned to Southampton for embryo transfer. We had arranged for my Dad to fly over from Guernsey for the day to look after Elijah while we attended the clinic. It wasn’t that the clinic had said we couldn’t take him with us, more so that they had not been encouraging of it, and we felt it should be an intimate affair without having to manage him.

However, it was far from intimate. We didn’t know the consultant or the nurse and we felt a lack of connection to either. The embryologist explained that they had thawed the two remaining embryos (3-day) leaving the blastocyst (6-day embryo) frozen. One of the embryos had not survived the thawing process and the other one they had managed to culture to blastocyst stage.

This threw me a little as I had expected to use the blastocyst frozen at the time Elijah was conceived, but the clinic felt that we should use the recently cultured one instead.

The embryologist showed us an example image of the blastocyst we would be using to demonstrate the quality of it, and explained that it was of slightly less quality than the one we had in storage but that the difference was miniscule.

However, that miniscule difference meant a lot to me and I knew then and there that it wasn’t going to take. It didn’t help that we had trouble identifying the star of the embryo as it was released into my uterus. It just all felt like such a clinical procedure that was over within minutes.

Joining my Dad and Elijah for lunch in the park, I could certainly feel the expansive energy of the new life within me, and I shall always be grateful for this opportunity. However, over the weekend, on the yoga course in London, I struggled to feel it, and knew it wasn’t going to make it.

I’d known for a while that I needed to experience a failed IVF cycle, to know how it felt.  A number of women have come to me for Reiki who had experienced failed cycles.  I could feel in their energy that there was some resistance to the process and that there was a lack of grounding and faith or trust in the process or their ability to create.

Furthermore, I had a sense that the IVF was part of their journey towards greater healing and connection to self.  It had arisen in their life as an opportunity to go deeper, to do the inner work required to truly ‘know thyself’, and to connect perhaps for the first time, or more deeply even, with the spiritual element of all life.

I had come to recognise this during our first attempt at IVF, how the process had increased my faith in, and connection to Source, and encouraged me to drop into the space that supported this. My practise had deepened and awakened me to the potential to heal myself and know my own truth. It had been an empowering experience in manifestation too.

Here now, I knew there was more healing work to be done.  I was quite literally sitting on an awful lot of anger and frustration in my pelvis.  My faith had been challenged with the placenta previa and the taxing introduction to motherhood, and I knew that I needed to make peace with this before truly inviting another soul in.

Still, this awareness didn’t make the 12-day waiting period to take the pregnancy test any the less challenging.  It was awful. I slept fitfully, waking with this frantic need to feel the energy of the embryo within my tummy.  And even though deep down I knew that the IVF wasn’t working, there was still a level of denial that had me trying to convince myself that I could feel the energy.

The days passed slowly and I spent a lot of time with my hands on my tummy, feeling anxious and daunted. Fear had taken root and I couldn’t seem to shift it.

I’m not sure I really slept the night before taking the test. By 5am I’d had enough and took myself off to the bathroom shaking with the apprehension. This time I didn’t bother to take the test through to E, I just left it sitting on the edge of the bath while I went downstairs to put the kettle on.  By the time I returned the test was complete and there it was, what I knew already, “Not pregnant”. And with that, I burst into tears.

Part 20 - Sleep Deprivation and Adjusting to Motherhood

There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the reality of the sleep deprivation that accompanies night time feeding – and I was most certainly no exception.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I lost count of the number of people who told me to get the sleep while I could. It used to really annoy me because it was nigh on impossible to get any decent sleep due to the discomfort of sleeping with a huge bump and the constant need to pee. I considered it nature’s way of preparing me for what lay ahead, but it didn’t really. It just meant I was tired before I’d even had the baby.

The first few nights in hospital challenged my ability to sleep too. Not only are you woken regularly for the obligatory checks, but I was high on the hormones that accompany birth, and I had drunk a lot of black tea to keep me going following the Caesarean section. Plus, I was acutely aware that Elijah could wake at any moment and I was nervous about my ability to comfort him and prevent him crying.

Thus by the time I made it home I was absolutely shattered; not least from the activity on the ward but also from the surgery and the acute blood loss that accompanied it.   All I wanted was some quality sleep to support the healing process and my recovery from the surgery, but of course this isn’t a reality when you’ve got a new baby, especially when you’re breastfeeding.

There was a novelty factor to the night time breastfeeding those first few days. I tried the ‘watching TV while drinking tea and eating biscuits’ approach but this just made me feel yucky. I tried the ‘check Facebook in the middle of the night’ tactic too, but this meant I got too engrossed in things that I didn’t need to be getting engrossed in. So I opted instead for the ‘stay in bed and put the side lamp on’ approach so that I didn’t wake E in the process.

In those early days feeding took an extraordinary amount of time, because it wasn’t just the feeding but the winding too.  And then if a nappy and clothing change were required, as they frequently were during those first couple of weeks (until I realised that we needed bigger size Naty nappies - skip size one they don’t work, go straight to size two), then I could be up for forty minutes to an hour by the time I’d also managed to settle Elijah to sleep again.

I quickly gave up with the ‘trying to settle Elijah thing’.  I had his Moses basket right beside the bed but he absolutely loathed going in this initially and I found that the only way to settle him was if he slept on my chest with me sleeping virtually upright propped up on pillows.  I’ve since discovered that this is common in those first few weeks and perhaps not surprising given that the baby has been nestled inside you all those months and wants to stay close to you.

I was a little nervous about this at first, given the fact it had been drilled into me in hospital that you must not have the baby sleep with you in your bed (I got told off for doing this one night), but I absolutely needed sleep and this was the only way I could manage it. It was never enough sleep though, and as E returned to work immediately after I returned home from hospital, and as my breasts were frequently required for feeding, I didn’t get to lie in either.

After six weeks of Elijah lying on my chest I was desperate to lie on my side to sleep. By then my shoulders, neck and upper back were aching from all the breastfeeding and carrying of car seats and my awful posture when it came to the night time feeding.  I was often so tired that it was all I could do not to fall asleep as I was leaning over breastfeeding him.  I was severely anaemic and had such little energy.  All I longed for was a good night’s sleep.

I managed to transfer Elijah into the Moses basket, albeit that the Moses basket was placed in the centre of the bed between E and I.  Fortunately, we had invested in a super king sized bed in preparation for his arrival and already this was proving beneficial as it meant we still had lots of space.  It was lovely to sleep as I chose and he was still close by and amazingly it didn’t take much longer to settle him than it had done when he slept on my chest.

It helped in settling him that he slept on his front. We had little choice as he wouldn’t sleep on his back, and I don’t blame him, its not a position I favour either, but we felt hugely guilty placing him to sleep on his tummy, as this once again went against all the guidelines that you’re given in respect of safe baby sleeping.  Still it felt intuitively okay to take that perceived risk, and my Mum and her friends were very much of the opinion that they’d slept their babies like that so what was the big deal and I tended to agree.

I had been keen to mother Elijah intuitively, but when it came down to it, as a first time Mum I was fearful of unintentionally doing something to harm him and often sought validation that what I was doing was okay.  I was a member of various baby related Facebook groups back in those days and would get regular updates from Baby Centre about what my baby should be doing when.

I quickly became aware that there is a myriad of opinions on how best to raise a baby and often mothers would present their opinion and validate it by including a link to a relevant research paper. Now I certainly have no wish to discredit researchers and the often valuable work they do, but research findings can be decidedly biased depending on who’s funding it, the nature of the research subjects used and the manner in which the research is interpreted.

The research would often ignore the fact that every baby is different, every mother is different and mothers should be given an opportunity to go with the flow.  It is my experience that far too often in life we are not given the opportunity, or encouraged then, to truly check in with our intuition and our gut feelings, and trust in these and have the strength to act on them. 

Many women don’t even know how to access their innate voice, because they’ve spent the best part of their life making decisions based on other people’s opinions be that their parents, partners, siblings, friends or society. This lack of connection with natural insight, and our inability to make decisions based on it merely serves to make motherhood an even trickier and confusing time than it is already. 

People would so readily give their opinion, and this took some getting used to.  Even complete strangers would comment on whether Elijah looked hot, or enquire into his sleeping and feeding patterns and offer unrequested advice. Perhaps it’s no surprise then that the majority end up doing things by the book – whatever the book may say at that particular time – even if it doesn’t resonate with that mother or isn’t right for her baby or her immediate family.

I fell into this trap with Elijah. It was ridiculous really because up until that point, at least since I’d been practicing yoga and Reiki, I had been living my life intuitively.  However, having a baby was new to me and I was so extremely exhausted and ungrounded that even if I did experience some clarity, I always felt that everyone else knew better than I did and initially I felt a pressure to conform to what was expected of me as a responsible mother (whatever that meant).

I had been told that babies often start sleeping better at six weeks so I was hanging out for this.  But the six-week anniversary came and went and there was no positive change, he was still waking every two hours and I was desperate for this to change. The fact I was still terribly anaemic didn’t help, nor that I was often having to check the blackberry and keep abreast of developments at work.  I was running on empty and desperate for sleep.

The twelve-week anniversary was soon upon us and with that my return to work. Still the sleep didn’t improve and if anything it got worse. It was like he needed the night time intimacy to make up for the fact I was now parted from him for up to five hours a day. It didn’t help that this coincided with his teething and he would sometimes wake every hour or even more than this at times. 

I felt permanently jet lagged and existed on black tea and dark chocolate in quantities I had never before consumed or indeed since.  The job was demanding as I was on a three month catch up with a never ending inbox and there were lots going on that was time pressured and urgent. Additionally, I now had to factor in time away from my desk to express milk and I had to be really disciplined in taking the time to do this.

It also didn’t help that I now had baby brain and acute sleep deprivation, which created an inability to retain information for longer than five minutes.  I was okay if I could stay in my zone, but the moment anyone asked me a question I would lose the thread of what I had just been doing and sit there staring at my screen completely baffled and incapable of thinking clearly. 

It was the most frustrating experience, so too the inability to remember words so I was frequently asking my male colleague the most ridiculous questions.  Fortunately, he had a young family himself so he was well aware of what I was going through.  But still I had to check and re-check my work because I would make silly little mistakes, which was infuriating for a type A personality! I began to think that I was going mad.

And then I did go mad. 

Well not mad in the sense that I lost my mind entirely, just mad in the sense that as the weeks went on and the night feeding and waking continued at one to two hourly intervals, I found myself on an edge. The cumulative effects of the sleepless nights began to take their toll. I was incredibly angry about the birth, the resulting anaemia and the manner in which this had affected my health with recurring thrush infections and a compromised immune system.

I had completely lost my grounding and with this, I had also lost my footing. I was surviving each day, obsessed with my tiredness and my inability to think clearly, I felt directionless and unsupported and I was angry at the Universe.  The dark night of the soul was upon me. This was not how I imagined motherhood to be, it was exhausting and relentless and was seriously affecting my relationship with E.

My life became one of constant rushing, I’d get myself and Elijah ready for the day, go to work and try and get on top of things, and then I’d rush away from work to collect Elijah, and inevitably I was always running late and aware that Elijah would be wanting breastmilk. I’d feed him at my parents’ house and then return home mid afternoon to washing that needed hanging up, dinner that needed preparing, a house that needed tidying and a baby who would cry unless I was holding him.

My life felt terribly out of control and it was no surprise perhaps that my OCD for cleanliness went into overdrive. It became imperative back in those days that the kitchen floor was spotless and I wasted a good few cumulative hours of my life cleaning this each day. My yoga practice became even more important to me as it provided a life line, a sanctuary, a quiet space without anyone demanding anything of me.   

Really I should have just adopted a gentle practice with a lot of resting, but I challenged myself with a dynamic practice because I figured that that was what my mind needed. I was trying to cling to anything that felt normal, even if, ironically, it was further unbalancing me. Active and dynamic yoga has its place but certainly not in the post natal period and I’m keen that other women don’t make the same mistake on their mats as I did.

It took me until Elijah was two to appreciate my profound tiredness and the need for a gentle and restorative practice and the benefits that this would offer me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve since discovered the joy of Uma Dinsmore-Tuli and her incredibly feminine and healing approach to the yoga during the post natal period.

I had started teaching yoga again when Elijah was about six weeks old and it was this that kept me sane.  Yes, I was drained and often running on empty and there is a very strong argument that post natal yoga teachers should wait a good few months before giving to others through teaching, but I experience great joy from teaching, it stops me thinking about anything else and keeps me present.

It was the exhaustion that made everything so challenging. I just didn’t have the same energy for life. I certainty didn’t have any energy for E either. This was another shift. All the attention I previously gave to him, I gave to Elijah and I had absolutely no interest in him touching me. Pre-baby I’d been very tactile but now I felt like my body was for Elijah and I couldn’t cope with anyone else touching it. My libido was at an all time low!

It was a particularly challenging year and there were times when I didn’t think that we would make it. Sleep deprivation brings you to your knees. It’s no surprise its used as a form of torture.  I certainly felt like I was being persecuted at times, and it affected my perception of reality. This wasn’t what I’d signed up for. Motherhood was all consuming and I longed for something to shift, for Elijah to sleep, for E and I to have some fun and for life to become brighter again.

E didn’t seem to understand and was constantly frustrated at my low mood and obsession with how much sleep I wasn’t getting. The fact he didn’t understand just compounded matters and with that the resentment set in and I had no idea how to change things.  Resentment is a horrible energy, all woody and edgy so that it splits things apart, and certainly there were moments where it was doing that to us.

I now know that this is perfectly normal, in that many couples go through a significant period of adjustment during the first year of parenthood. The dynamics of the relationship change and the mother is often exhausted and trying hold it all together with the home, the baby and work, while the father’s life appears to continue as usual albeit he now has to adjust to someone else demanding his partner’s attention. It didn’t help that we came to parenthood late, when we were both so used to doing what we wanted, when we wanted.

The father doesn’t always appreciate the significant change that the mother’s body has had to go through, not least to accommodate the pregnancy but post natal too.  There’s often weight gain and you don’t feel so good about yourself and you might be breastfeeding and have full and leaky breasts.  Factor in sore bits from the birth and all the hormonal shifts happening and its hardly surprising women just want to be left alone at this time.

I found the changes to my body one of the most difficult aspects of the initial post natal period.  That and the sleep deprivation. Not only was I giving mentally and emotionally, but now I was giving physically as well and I certainly didn’t have any energy to give to E too. Because I was so sick this just compounded matters and occasionally I just wanted someone else to manage everything so I could have some time off from all the responsibility!

This was not how I expected motherhood to be. I’d desperately wanted to have a baby and now I was questioning whether I had been wrong to encourage E to have that baby with me. I’d had this terribly romantic idea of how things should be, breastfeeding and floating around with a baby attached to me, whereas the reality was completely different. I was super sensitive to everything and would cry easily. The tiredness was all consuming and I didn’t know how to change things.

Fortunately, I had befriended a lovely Mum with a little boy just a month older than Elijah, who helped to keen me sane.  She too was going through the same experience so we were able to moan and share together. We were also keen to find a solution that meant we got more sleep. We were both keen to gentle parent so the ‘crying it out’ approach was never an option for either of us.

The only time I read a baby-related book was in my quest for more sleep.  I tried the ‘No Cry Sleep Solution’, which was all very well and good, but to be honest I was just too tired to put any of it into practice! I just simply didn’t have the energy to make a change; breastfeeding when Elijah awoke seemed the quickest and easiest way for us to get back to sleep, even if everyone told us that this was creating the sleeping issue.

I tried all sorts of other things.  We went to baby yoga and while we both enjoyed the classes, they didn’t make him sleep any better that night.  I took him for cranial-osteopathy and to see a healer too and while both ladies told me he would sleep better after the sessions, he never did. I burned lavender oil in his room and wafted pine essential oil into his aura to ground him. I gave him Bach floral remedies and homeopathic remedies.

We bathed in dead sea salts to cleanse our auras and I put crystals under his pillow. We spent a lot of the day outside in nature, running around and getting lots of fresh air. I tried to do Reiki on him but while others are calmed and sleep amazingly well after receiving Reiki, typically it seemed to make no difference to him at all. I used the soothing sounds of Tranquil Turtle too, but this seemed to soothe me more than it did him.

Of course there was always hope that the sleep would improve, and it was this hope that my friend and I lived off.  It got to the point where we’d laugh because someone was always telling us that when we reached certain milestone things would change, for example when they started on solids, when they started crawling etc. But those milestones came and went and made no difference to our sons’ respective sleeping patterns, if anything they merely got worse.

E and I did what was encouraged and moved Elijah into a cot when he outgrew the Moses basket.  Intuitively I had intended to co-sleep but I was told that I would be making a rod for my own back and that he would smell my milk and want to feed even more than he did already. In hindsight, it was silly because now I just spent half my night traipsing backwards and forwards across the bedroom to feed him and try and settle him in the cot that he didn’t like to sleep in. 

Sometimes I was up and down every 45 minutes to an hour, which was incredibly tough. It was at times like this that I felt wholly resentful of E sleeping soundly beside me.  There was little he could do however as Elijah was very attached to me and would want the comfort of my cuddle and my breast, but nonetheless I was annoyed E didn’t appreciate the extent of my tiredness.

Mind you it’s difficult to truly explain how detrimental lack of sleep can be to one’s wellbeing, or indeed how you manage to keep on going.  But you do, because each night you hope it will be better.  I lived and breathed sleep deprivation and I made sure everyone knew about it. It became my thing. It was hard for it not to be though as it impacted so hugely on my quality of life and my health.

Essentially I needed help but I didn’t know how to ask for it and I couldn’t see how anyone could help because I wasn’t prepared to stop breastfeeding.  People told me I needed to move Elijah into his own room as he’d sleep better farther away from us.  We tried this and now I just spent half my night going backwards and forward across the landing.  So we moved him back into our room, where he stayed until he was big enough to go straight into his own bed.

We put him in a double bed initially and we were told that this was the reason he continued to keep waking. So we replaced it with a single bed but this made no difference. I was still spending half my night in his room and now it just meant there was less space for me in the bed beside him. So I’d end up just carrying him into the bed with us where he’d wrap his arms around my neck and hang on until the morning.

It felt like things would never change and by the time Elijah was about eighteen months I was just about keeping a grip on things.  I’d done an eight-week mindfulness course a few months earlier and that had made me very aware that my life was out of balance and I that I was stressed and unhappy. It wasn’t just the sleep deprivation that was challenging, my working life was far too busy, I was approaching my fortieth birthday and knew that we still had frozen embryos in Wessex.

Furthermore, I was under pressure from E and other family members to stop breastfeeding and I knew that if we went through another round of IVF that this was necessary. However, I was adamant that I wanted to breastfeed him until he was two years old so he could gain the immunity benefits. I also knew that I wasn’t mentally or physically in the ‘right’ place for IVF and was concerned I never would be.

I ended up seeing a counsellor because I just needed to talk to someone who didn’t know me and who wouldn’t judge me, so that I could try to make sense of how to make things better again. I’m not sure the counselling itself helped, but the fact I had acknowledged that I needed help set the wheels in motion and I slowly started to make the necessary changes to the way I was living to help me to heal.

I recognised that the more I went on about being tired, the more I was going to create “tired” in my life, it’s the law of attraction. I also realised that I needed to take my need for sleep more seriously.  I had to go to bed earlier and slow my life down to facilitate this.  I had to stop juggling so many balls and trying to be superwoman. I had to accept my imperfections and that it was ok to rest and let things be (like the floor).

I also finally learned to accept that Elijah just didn’t need much sleep.  I acknowledged that there was nothing wrong with him and stopped looking for the magic sleep solution because it didn’t exist.  One day I knew that we would have the opposite issue – we wouldn’t be able to get him out bed in the morning, so I resolved to accept what I couldn’t change and appreciate the blessing of my energetic little boy instead – it was me who needed to change, not him.

Part 19 - The Joy of Breastfeeding

During my pregnancy there was a local campaign to encourage more women to breastfeed. I didn’t need any encouragement as I was desperate to breastfeed.  But equally I didn’t want to be pressurized into a state of anxiety about whether I could actually breastfeed and E and I were very much of the opinion that we would wait and see what happened.

In my ideal world, as I have mentioned before, I would have birthed vaginally and peacefully at home and the baby would have immediately latched on to my breast and that would have been it, job done! Sadly, this was not the case, especially as I was not feeling very well immediately post-surgery and it wasn’t until I was back up on the ward that I was encouraged to try and get Elijah to latch on.

Easier said than done however and the first few attempts didn’t go well at all. The midwives took it in turns to try to help Elijah latch on and introduced me to a variety of feeding positions, including the rugby style one, which still flummoxes me today. I was aware that the pressure was rising but E and I had it in mind that when Elijah needed to feed he would feed.

Whether that was the reason he finally latched on I have no idea, but it coincided with my lovely male midwife helping me to establish breastfeeding. It was karma really, because there I’d been at the beginning of the day loathing the idea of a male midwife as I thought he would lack empathy and an awareness of how to help a pregnant and then post natal lady, but he was exactly the help I needed. I was breastfeeding!

It was amazing and yet equally strange that first time.  Here was my new-born son who was still so incredibly unfamiliar to me, and yet strangely familiar too, latching on to my left nipple, and suckling away. The sensation was much stronger than I had imagined and I had this sense of the enormity of the task at hand – I was my son’s sole source of nourishment, I had to make this work.

In the days that followed it was tough.  My nipples became really sore and it hurt when Elijah fed. I’d find myself wincing and thinking that surely this couldn’t be right, but apparently it was perfectly normal to feel like this. It was also very new to me and I was concerned about how I was holding him and whether he was feeding properly. 

When I returned home there was an enormous (external) pressure for him to put on weight. I’m not surprised so many women give up trying to breastfeed and go immediately to the bottle, because I was made to feel as if something was wrong with my milk, or that I wasn’t breastfeeding him properly. The visiting midwife told me that if he didn’t start putting on more weight he was either going to have to return to hospital or we would have to start supplementing with formula.

It was ridiculous.  There you are, a new mum trying to do your best, only to be told that your best isn’t good enough and perhaps you don’t have enough milk to feed your own baby.  Cue feeling disempowered all over again. So, then, in my infinite wisdom (not so wise as it happens) I tried to massage milk from my breast into my nipple, which resulted in me flooding Elijah and giving him excess wind.

It wasn’t until a lovely calming Irish midwife came around to the cottage and shared the magic words, ‘Nose to nipple, tum to mum’, that we truly ‘got’ the breastfeeding. Why had no one told me this earlier? Unbeknown to me at that time, I had been unintentionally squashing Elijah’s nose into my breast so that the poor thing couldn’t breathe, which didn’t make for a particularly restful feeding time!

Plus, I’d been switching breasts too quickly in a mission to make sure he got plenty of milk but had been giving him lots of hind milk. And of course with the breast massage and the squashed nose, it was hardly surprising he ended up with too much wind. I also hadn’t worked out at that stage that what I ate made a difference too, for example dairy made him very snuffly with mucus and soya made him particularly windy.

My Mum would talk about him being blue above his mouth and how this was an indication that he still had wind, but I just couldn’t see this.  My Auntie took this to another level because she could actually feel the wind while she was rubbing his back.  I can feel energy and auras and chakras, but I couldn’t feel the wind in Elijah’s body and felt that my Auntie must certainly have a gift.

Others had this gift too as they would visit and wind my baby for me in half the time it seemed to take me.   It was certainly not my skill and I was quite happy for anyone else to take control of this. This was the bit that I found most exhausting, simply because Elijah was so unsettled until he had been winded properly, and during the middle of the night this really challenged me.

Winding aside, this whole ‘babies not putting on weight’ thing is a common theme and I know that I am not alone with my experience. I’ve heard lots of stories of women being told in those first few days after birth that their milk is not good enough and that their babies are losing weight and may need to be topped with a bottle.   It’s crazy because babies lose weight after birth.  That’s a reality.

Given the time and encouragement, many women will go on to feed their babies perfectly adequately without the need for top ups. That’s not all women, I appreciate that some are simply not able to establish breastfeeding – to this day my Mum’s still sad that she was never able to breastfeed my brother and I beyond six weeks simply because no one told her she needed to drink lots of water (and not milk as she had been advised and which she can’t tolerate).

Others find that they don’t have enough milk to satisfy the needs of their babies, or that they lose too much weight trying to sustain their milk supply due to the demands of the baby.  Others simply don’t have the energy, and others just don’t like it. There are a myriad of reasons and while I’ve always been very pro-breastfeeding I do appreciate that it’s not for everyone, it’s a personal thing.

For me, once breastfeeding was established, that was it.  I was well away and absolutely loved every minute of it.  I loved the fact that I could nourish my son from my own body.  There is this notion that the breasts constitute a chakra (energy centre) all of their own and so when you’re breastfeeding, you’re not only physically and emotionally nourishing your baby (especially with you holding him/her by your heart space) but you’re spiritually nourishing them too.

I also loved the fact that breastfeeding comforted and soothed Elijah.  As mothers we become experts on learning how to comfort and soothe our children. It’s what we do best. You’ve only to see how a child calls out for his Mum when he falls and calms immediately when she picks him up and talks to him in soft tones. Or how a baby calms immediately when he is brought to the breast, or rocked or ‘shhh-ed’. Well Elijah was certainly calmed by my breast.

This certainly had its advantages, not least in helping him to settle to sleep, but also when we travelled. It was just so easy to whip out my boob on the aeroplane for example, and not only calm him, but help to clear his ears as we changed altitude. He’d often sleep the whole journey.  He was comforted by the boob on boats too, and made travel in that first year so easy. In fact, it made everything easy because we didn’t need to faff around with bottles, or warming milk, and there it was, his source of nourishment within me.

Of course this did present its challenges. Elijah cluster fed for the first 16 weeks of his life.  This meant that he was fussy each evening unless he was attached to my breast. No one really understands the reason that babies cluster feed as it certainly didn’t help Elijah to sleep through the night. But for whatever reason he needed a constant supply of my milk during the evening from approximately 6.30pm to 10.30pm, when he’d finally fall asleep.

It was exhausting.  In the earlier days I had a really hard time accepting the fact that each evening I basically had to sit down and feed him. Prior to the birth I was used to teaching yoga each evening and being out and about, and now here I was, having little choice but to sit down and join E watching TV.  I’m not a massive fan of TV so I tired of this novelty very quickly and became frustrated that I couldn’t be doing something active instead.

When I did return to teaching yoga after six weeks, I initially taught for two evenings a week. This meant that E had a very testing time because all Elijah wanted during those two hours was my breast. I had learned to express by then but the bottle didn’t cut it for Elijah and I’d return home to a traumatised E and an unsettled baby. I’d take Elijah immediately to my breast and he’d calm down instantly while E would pour himself an extra large glass of wine!

These evenings certainly didn’t help our relationship at the time and I soon cut back to just the one class a week.  This I absolutely relished as I love teaching yoga, and it was a welcome break from the usual evening routine. It probably helped to keep me sane during this time even if it was testing for E. Needless to say we were both delighted when the cluster feeding finally came to an end and we could have some time out together during the evening.

Then of course there was the challenge of the night time feeding and nothing can prepare you for this. When you’re in the final stages of pregnancy and finding it difficult to sleep with the discomfort of your bump and the constant need for peeing, it’s easy to conclude that it’s preparing you for the night-time feeds.  But in reality night time feeding takes it to an entirely different level.

Initially it was a novelty and I had heard other women say that they spent that time watching TV and eating biscuits.  So I tried this.  As soon as Elijah awoke for a feed I would take him downstairs and breastfeed while drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching TV.  I quickly realised this approach was not for me and made me feel particularly yucky!

Instead I stayed in bed and fed him there under the light of a lamp, while E continued to sleep beside me. I was ok with this initially, but after a few weeks of being woken every two to three hours the sleep deprivation had truly kicked in and I started getting resentful that E was able to sleep while I had to keep waking. It wasn’t just the feeding of course, but also the winding and the nappy changing that took the time.

I kept a little notebook by my bed and jotted down the time I was woken for feeding and the time I was able to go back to sleep again.  The intention was to note how long Elijah was going between feeds, but really all it did was make me completely obsessed by the number of hours of sleep I was getting each night, which wasn’t very many. Sleep deprivation continues to be a major theme in my life, but more on that later.

Returning to work at twelve weeks certainly challenged the feeding schedule as I had to ensure I had enough milk for my Mum to be able to feed Elijah for me. There was so much work to do in the office and while in the past I had been able to work longer hours than I was contracted to do, now I had to rush off at the contracted time to collect Elijah. I also had to make time to express milk and I was often so busy that I had to make a real effort to factor this in. 

Of course my breasts made it very clear to me that it was feeding time and I was certainly thrown into some degree of panic if I turned up at work having forgotten to put in my breast pads.  Yikes, leaky breasts! Initially expressing was challenging; I had invested in a double electric pump and I recall sitting at the kitchen table with one of my friends as I attempted to pump milk from my breasts. I felt like a milk cow and with my friend laughing at me it was perhaps hardly surprising that no milk came out!

My cousin suggested a hand held pump and that worked a treat.  It also made it easy for me to express at work as the only private space available to me was the toilets.  This wasn’t exactly ideal but there really was no other option, so I just accepted my reality and I quickly established a routine, making sure to store the milk in the fridge and take it home with me at the end of the day.

Expressing soon became second nature but it was another consideration in an already busy and exhausting day. I was increasingly frustrated at never really clearing my inbox and constantly chasing my tail. I was resentful of the fact I had to work and then rush straight to my parents to feed and collect Elijah. I then had to go home to the pile of washing and the cooking and all the other chores that come with running a household.

I lived off 70% dark chocolate those weeks. And tea.  And wine in the evening. I justified the chocolate on account of its iron content, and the fact I absolutely needed the caffeine and the sugar to get through the day.  The wine I justified because the sugar from it was the only thing to get me through the evening and take the edge off a little bit.  People say that you lose weight while you’re breastfeeding but with E that certainly wasn’t true, if anything I put on weight as I was constantly ravenous and still totally thrown by this new way of being.

Initially I had no qualms about breastfeeding in public but then we had an incident at six months that challenged this. E and I were in a neighbouring Island and out to dinner with my Reiki Master and her husband in their local Indian restaurant. Elijah still liked to feed most of the earlier evening and so I spent much of that meal feeding him.  I was wearing a floaty blouse, which made it easier – or so I thought – to breastfeed subtly in public.

Alas not.  There was a couple sitting at the table next to us, the wife and I sitting on the same bench that ran along the whole side of the restaurant. I was aware of their presence but I was so involved in our conversation that I didn’t pay them too much attention. As they stood up to leave, the woman came over to talk to us.  I was so used to people coming over and commenting on how beautiful Elijah was that I was confused by her words:

“It’s disgusting the way you’ve breastfed that baby”, she said
“Sorry?’ I asked with a confused look on my face, “sorry, what did you say?”
“I said it’s disgusting the way you’re breastfeeding that baby”, she repeated.
I was startled, “Sorry”, I heard myself saying because this certainly wasn’t what I was used to hearing and it took me a moment to clock that yes, she really did say those words, I hadn’t misheard her and I wasn’t imaging it. I never intended to upset someone else with my actions and so I was genuinely sorry, albeit totally confused.

By this point, E had stood up from his seat and was standing to the other side of the incensed, and drunken, lady.
“She’s just feeding the baby”, I heard E saying.
“I nursed all of my children, but I would never have been as indiscreet as you”, she said to me with disdain in her voice.

I was truly shocked. This had never happened previously, and while yes, Elijah had been fairly much on and off my breast the whole time we were in the restaurant, I had been doing my best to manage this.  Inevitably there’s always going to be a moment where you guide them on and off the nipple, and perhaps by six months I’d grown quite laid back about this, but heck, I was feeding my baby, it’s a nipple, what’s the big deal! Women sunbathe topless for heaven’s sake. It wasn’t like I was sitting there flaunting my breasts.

The lady was noticeably drunk and started challenging E, who was beginning to get a little wound up by this whole incident, which was something I’d never seen previously.  He was most certainly my knight in shining armour that evening. The lady’s husband had already left the restaurant and the restaurant staff quickly rushed over to see what was going on – I wasn’t used to all this drama! I told E to let it go, which he did, and the lady quickly left the restaurant.

It was one of those horrible incidents which happened very quickly but which has been ingrained on my memory ever since. I just couldn’t understand it and was mortified by it. The restaurant staff were incredibly friendly and apologetic, but of course it wasn’t their fault, and I was just confused by the whole experience.

I was shaken for the rest of the evening. Until that point I’d never questioned breastfeeding in public.  If Elijah needed feeding, I fed him, to me it felt like the most natural thing in the world.  But clearly others didn’t feel this way and it saddens me that this is the case. I was annoyed I never got to find out exactly what element of me feeding Elijah upset the lady the most, so that I’ve never been able to make sense of the episode.

Unfortunately, I became less comfortable feeding in public after this, especially as Elijah grew older.  If we were in a restaurant I would take him off to the toilets to feed him, which was silly really, because who wants to eat their dinner in the toilets, poor Elijah! Or I’d faff around with scarves and muslins to hide it.

Still, fairy undaunted, my love affair with breastfeeding continued and I was therefore incredibly distraught when at ten months Elijah went on a nursing strike. I was up in Edinburgh at the time visiting one of my best friends. It was bedtime and I was feeding Elijah when he bit down hard on my nipple, causing it to bleed, and I yelped! And that was that.

It was the strangest thing because that night he didn’t wake for a feed, which had never happened previously and I awoke in anticipation wondering if he was ok. The next morning, I considered that perhaps he’d finally learned to sleep through, but alas not, he refused to take my breast. I google searched and was introduced to the concept of a nursing strike.

Later that day flying back to Guernsey, he still refused to feed and screamed his way back on the plane instead. It was frustrating and incredibly upsetting because ordinarily he’d be comforted by breastfeeding. Back home he still refused the breast. By now my breasts were engorged and I was incredibly emotional and teary. I wasn’t ready to stop feeding. It just felt far too sudden.

That evening I approached the local Facebook breastfeeding group and was grateful for the advice. Someone suggested that Elijah may have an ear infection or some other condition that was putting him off feeding so I took him to the doctor the next morning.  The doctor thoroughly checked him over but couldn’t find anything wrong with him and concluded that he’d simply decided that he didn’t want to breastfeed anymore. There was a part of me that wasn’t prepared to accept this and I set out to do what I could to encourage him back to the breast again. 

By then I had researched ‘nursing strike’ at length and I decided to put into practice my findings and the advice of other mothers who had experienced a similar thing. Thus I did as much skin to skin as possible, laying naked with Elijah in the bath and in the bed.  I woke during the night and brought him in his sleepy state to my breast to try and trick him into feeding again, and I tried not to be discouraged when he turned his head away from my nipple. I drew him to my breast again in the morning, determined not to give up and later on and off throughout the day.  I kept expressing milk during this time to maintain my flow and ease the pressure in my breasts.

Finally, during the fifth night, after days of tears, skin to skin and expressing, he took to my breast again.  It was very early in the morning and I was so delighted and excited that I woke E to share my good news with him.  It was such a relief and I couldn’t have been happier; my son wanted to breastfeed again! I loved the intimacy of it, and the connection it created and it made me appreciate the beauty of breastfeeding in a way I had perhaps taken for granted previously.

E didn’t really understand and would have been happy if E had stopped feeding. He was desperately uncomfortable with the idea of me breastfeeding E until the two years I intended, and my Dad also had a similar opinion on the matter. But I was determined as I felt there were many benefits to be gained. Admittedly the accompanying sleep deprivation was challenging but I knew it was beneficial for strengthening his immune system and providing him with a natural immunity, plus of course the emotional, mental and spiritual benefits too.

I resisted the pressure I was experiencing from E and other people’s negativity because deep down I knew it was the right decision for Elijah and me.  It helped that my best Mummy friend was also breastfeeding her son and in fact continued to do so as she became pregnant with her second son. Both of us would talk at length about the need to wean at some stage, more so because we were both exhausted by the night time feeding, but the trouble was neither of us really knew how to do this.

As it happened her son weaned himself.  Apparently when you’re pregnant the taste of your milk can change and her son didn’t like it.  In so doing, she proved our theory that the breastfeeding was causing the excess night waking because her son started sleeping much better. Elijah on the other hand was still, eighteen months in, waking every two to three hours. It was getting super draining.

I was in some quandary.  I had a sense that I wanted to breastfeed for two years, but I was feeling the pressure from E and other family members, and I was aware that we had three frozen embryos in Southampton.  However, by then Elijah was talking and was calling breastfeeding “Nunnas” and he demanded it after any period of separation and I just loved the intimacy it created between us and I didn’t want to stop this. 

But I was tiring and fast approaching my 40th birthday. I had it in mind that after I’d celebrated my birthday, if we were going to try to have another baby, then we needed to get on with it.  Only that I still wasn’t quite sure how I was going to stop breastfeeding and wean Elijah, at least in a gentle way, as you are not meant to do IVF if you are breastfeeding. So I did the one thing I knew I could do – I handed it over to the angels and prayed for a solution.

Part 18 - Introduction to Motherhood

I was euphoric. I had a baby!  I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, tell the whole world, invite them all in to have a peak, “Look, I have a baby, a little boy, my dream came true”. I couldn’t have been happier; I was flying high, that little bundle of joy swaddled in his cot beside my bed was all mine. He’d arrived.

I was joyous too because I’d survived theatre and E had gotten to see his son being born. However, it was not how I had imagined birth.  And this was certainly not how I imagined my introduction to motherhood. There was no champagne or lazy hours spent in our bed at home admiring our new baby all on our own. There were no candles burning or soft music playing. There was none of the stuff I had hoped for when I had intended a home birth.

Instead here I was in hospital, wearing a blood spattered hospital gown with a catheter attached to my bladder and a drip attached to my arm. My body was full of drugs from the surgery including the obligatory antibiotics, which were killing all the good bacteria in my gut. And I was itchy, very itchy, as my body started to awaken from the anaesthetic. All I wanted to do was scratch.

I was also laying on what can only be described as a huge sanitary towel with a smaller sanitary towel soaking up the blood trickling from my vagina. No one had told me that I would be bleeding from my vagina following the birth. Just like no one had told me that I would need a catheter and a drip and be unable to move from my bed. I didn’t know any of this.

One thing I did know however was that there would be pressure to establish breastfeeding and as desperately as I wanted to breastfeed, I had resolved not to buy into the anxiety that accompanies this. I distinctly remember a variety of midwives trying to help Elijah latch on to me using all different sorts of techniques - I was completely thrown by the rugby style approach and am in awe of women who adopt this.

In the end it was my marvellous male midwife who helped Elijah latch on, which I found nothing short of incredible really.  My baby was feeding from me! It was a strange sensation initially though and it soon became clear to me the reason women suffer with sore nipples because my nipples weren’t used to it. Still at least I was able to relax a little and with that my breast feeding journey began in earnest (more on that soon).

That first night I couldn’t sleep because I was high on life and cups of tea, and because the hospital environment is not really conducive to resting with all the midwife checks and the babies crying. I was slightly on edge too because I wasn’t quite sure what I would do if Elijah cried because I was so ill prepared for the reality of life with a new born.

It’s ridiculous really, I had read a lot of books about pregnancy and about birth but not one single book about babies.  We had opted not to attend the NCT courses either so we were both clueless. All of a sudden, with this tiny person beside me my, “We’ll just wing the baby bit” attitude seemed ever so slightly naïve. What was I thinking?!

Breastfeeding wasn’t my only concern.  Nor was knowing what to do when Elijah cried.  It was more so the fact that I had such limited range of movement in my bed that I wasn’t going to be able to do very much regardless of the nature of his needs. And indeed I couldn’t do much, so that when he did cry because his nappy needed changing, the midwife had to tend to him, which I found desperately upsetting.  I couldn’t care for my own baby!

The next day the reality of recovery became glaringly obvious to me.  It hurt to move. No one tells you this do they.  Just like no one told me that I was going to bleed for six weeks.  Or that my breasts and indeed nipples would get really sore.  Or that I would have to wear those hideous compression stockings for a good ten days at home. Or that I would struggle to walk upstairs without feeling like I may collapse due to the blood loss I’d experienced during the birth and the lack of iron in my body.

I was keen to have the catheter removed first thing that next morning and, with the help of pain killers, I winced my way to the toilet as I was determined to get on with life as normal. Taking a shower later that morning felt amazing, albeit exhausting, and I remember staring aghast in the mirror at my post-pregnancy body, not recognising it.

Admittedly my bump was deflating quickly, but it was still very evident and felt strange knowing that the baby was no longer in there. I was very pale too and had a scabby nose from all the scratching post-theatre, and now I had this new scar below my bikini line, which was sore and soon bruised, and I felt all saggy. I stood under the water, holding onto the wall, head down and just let the water wash over me, cleansing me.

I had been told to invest in some high-waist leggings and big pants to wear post-surgery and I was grateful to my friend for the tip.  Both of these made a huge difference in ensuring minimal pressure on my wound. The leggings also helped to hide those horrible stockings, although I sneaked these off whenever I could as I was mobile and practicing yoga (of sorts) within a few days.

I also quickly realised that breastfeeding demanded a certain style of dressing, especially in winter time, a vest that could be pulled down from the top and a top that could be rolled up from below to reveal the nipple, or a button-down top. It’s knowing stuff like this that certainly makes a difference in navigating through this confusing time. It did mean a huge percentage of my wardrobe, including all my dresses, would remain unused for some time. 

I was constipated for three whole days following the birth, which just added to my general level of discomfort. I loathe being constipated and was frustrated that the balance of microbes in my gut had been adversely affected by the antibiotics and I usually resist them for this very reason. I took probiotics and ate yoghurt to increase the levels of good bacteria and consumed seeds, fruit and brown rice, as well as drinking a whole heap of water in a quest to empty my bowels.

However, there was a psychological aspect to this too; the scar was so painful that subconsciously I was very fearful of creating yet more pain through the pushing action to defecate. The mere hint of a sneeze had me panicking because sneezing hurt. A lot. As did coughing and any sudden movement. It sucked. I was given medication to soften the stools, but stopped these along with all medication as soon as I got home from the hospital as I just wanted to give my liver a break and heal my body holistically.

I took some milk thistle to support my liver, and also to increase my milk supply. I took arnica remedy to help with my internal healing and I used a combination of arnica cream, tea tree oil and lavender oil on my scar to heal this too. I found that rubbing arnica onto my skin where the bump had been helped with this contracting, and I channelled Reiki onto myself at any given opportunity.

It was a relief when my digestive system started working properly again. There’s such a connection between the gut and the mind that when you’ve a whole heap of toxins stuck inside you it starts to change the way you feel, and I didn’t need anything else throwing me off balance as I was having a hard enough time as it was.  I’d completely lost my grounding, like the rug had been pulled from under my feet.

Admittedly those first few days in the hospital and then back at home I was still euphoric.  My dream had come true and I was blown away with the love I felt for this little being who was a part of E and I. It was nothing short of a miracle and I was incredibly grateful. I was also inundated with deliveries of flowers, cards and presents, and received lots of emails and messages of congratulations.

It was mind blowing, like entering a whole new world – people seemed genuinely happy for us that we’d had a baby, and I found all the attention both uplifting and incredibly overwhelming. I’ll never forget the delivery of a huge cuddly teddy bear from my work.  It was so huge that it took up half of the dining room table and both Mum and I were in hysterics about it. I love that teddy as it represents all the love that was directed to us at the time and the craziness of it all.

It took five days before I crashed.  My Mum had expected it earlier and was concerned I was going a little too hyper. I’d been warned that the tears may arrive with the milk on day three and there was a part of me that naively thought maybe I’d gotten away with it. But alas not. I couldn’t stop crying and I felt incredibly sensitive, insecure and low. It threw me, what did I have to feel low about?  I had a baby, I should have been continuously happy for ever more.

However, it’s all part of the process as the hormones do their thing and the exhaustion begins to kick in. It did make me think though that we often believe certain events or changes to our life will bring us continuous happiness, but there’s often always a challenge. This challenge was hormonal and the fact my world was well and truly turned upside down and I didn’t have a clue how to find my grounding again.

It didn’t help that I’d lost so much blood during the birth that I was on the borderline for a blood transfusion, which I refused.  I just didn’t like the idea of taking on someone else’s blood and energy. I questioned my decision in the week’s that followed. I shall never forget leaving the hospital and walking to the carpark and being so out of breath and feeling so weak that I had to support myself on the car to steady myself. I shall also never forget arriving home and struggling up the stairs and having to sit down at the top to recover. 

Due to the fact I’d lost so much blood I wasn’t allowed to be left on my own in case I collapsed or fainted. This in itself was a challenge as I love being on my own, its what I do best, pottering until my heart’s content and enjoying solitude and silence. So it was tough always having to have someone in the house with me, and of course not being able to drive so that I felt my wings were truly clipped - I struggled with this as much as I struggled every other aspect of the post natal period.

I know I’m not alone.  A huge shift occurs when women become mothers for that first time, which can often lead to a period of shock. Not only do they tend to lose blood and with that iron and their magnetic and indeed energetic connection to the Earth itself, but their whole identity and sense of self changes.  Life is no longer all about them - as it tends to be during pregnancy, at least the first pregnancy - and now there’s this other little being demanding their attention, and their own needs become secondary to that.

There’s this fabulous quote from Uma Dinsmore-Tuli in her book, “Yoni Shakti” that sums it up perfectly, “For a postnatal woman, the experience of transformation is direct, bloody and embodied. Whatever kind of birth a woman experiences, the transition from being pregnant to being a mother is an immense and rapid transformation at every dimension of being from the visceral to the spiritual. At a physical level the body changes overnight from a living embodiment of ripe fullness into an empty and often damaged and exhausted shell.

Even after the most positive birth experience, the postnatal body can be left bleeding, leaking and broken. The shift in hormone levels is like falling off a cliff, or going cold turkey from class-A drugs. From the astonishing experience of peak levels of pregnancy and birth hormones (the feel-good progesterone, oestrogen and endorphins that facilitate the super-human endeavours of late pregnancy and labour, and the massive adrenalin kick that actually births the baby), a postnatal woman encounters a dramatic hormonal drop accompanied by a chaotic vortex of shifting patterns of endocrine activity”.

Fortunately, I was fully supported during this challenging time and my Mum virtually moved in to make sure I wasn’t on my own during the day. This meant that E could continue his life as usual, and while I was initially aggrieved that he didn’t take any time off when I initially came home from hospital, I came to realise that this was his way of coping with the significant shift in our lives. 

This did present issues for us later however as he lacked an understanding of what having a baby at home entailed. By the time he returned home from work all the chores were done, the washing was up to date and dinner was in the oven. This was all my Mum’s doing may I add, she did everything for me, well for us really those first few weeks, because I really didn’t have the energy.

I was so pleased to have the extra help. I sweated so badly at night those first few weeks that the sheets would get wet, which I believe was my body’s way of trying to release the after effects of the drugs from my system, that and the shock on my body of night time waking, so these needed to be washed daily. Plus, there was all the extra baby washing - I couldn’t believe that a baby could create so much washing.

I also hadn’t realised that breastfeeding was a full time occupation and while the opportunity to sit down was appreciated from an energetic perspective, I wasn’t used to it and I often felt that I should be doing something instead.  I watched a lot of television during this time, which was also strange to me and while it was a novelty initially, I soon tired of it. I also used the opportunity to respond to work emails because I couldn’t switch off from this and still felt the pressure to work.

I was desperate to get back on my yoga mat and while I certainly wasn’t able to do this in hospital (what was I thinking?!), I made sure to get on it as soon as I could once I was back at home. Initially I just lay on it and breathed, before incorporating some gentle movement in an effort to relieve the congestion in my digestive system and try and energise my system again.

It wasn’t long though before I was desperate to actively move my body and practice as I had done previously in a yang and active manner.  It didn’t matter to me that I’d just had major abdominal surgery or that I was exhausted from this and from the sleep deprivation, I just wanted some anchoring in my life again and this way of practicing came naturally to me. In my naivety I felt it would benefit me physically and mentally, bring me back to Earth a little.

In hindsight it was silly of me, yet it was also an essential part of my yoga journey and learnings. I eventually came to realise that if anything this approach to practice, especially in the post-natal period, was without doubt creating further energetic imbalance within me and stressing my body and mind, yet I couldn’t see it at the time.  I was desperately clinging on to anything which felt normal, even if it wasn’t actually enhancing my wellbeing.

It’s a lesson we learn. The one about letting go and surrendering.  But here I was with babe in arms and still I wasn’t dancing with the Goddess of the Moon and allowing her energy to flow through me.  I was still taking a masculine approach to yoga and to life, despite absolutely needing the softness and compassion of the feminine at that time and it would take me a few more years to realise this.   

I just found those early weeks so incredibly challenging. I was so ‘gung ho’ about the transition to motherhood and what this would entail. My life for 38 years had been about me, doing what I wanted when I wanted and now it felt like that freedom had been taken away. I loved Elijah of course but I remember at his six week check saying to the doctor that I wasn’t sure how anyone could want more than one, as one was such hard work.

I was very well aware that we still had one blastocyst and three frozen embryos stored at Wessex and I felt this urgency to do something with them. The doctor told me to let that go and just concentrate on Elijah, and she was right. The last few years the focus had primarily been about having a baby and now I had the baby I felt a little directionless and a little thrown off balance because the reality of having a baby was very different to what I had imagined.

So, a little like with my yoga practice, I compounded my exhaustion by doing the things I used to do previously to maintain some sanity when it felt like everything else around me was totally out of control. This meant that five weeks post Caesarean Section I went running. I felt like I needed to get out the house, get into nature, clear my head and feel alive again. On some level I was also trying to run my life forwards.

It was insane now I think back, there I was with milk filled breasts and a tugging scar, running through the lanes, simply because I needed some fresh air, freedom and space to process all that had happened. I would never encourage any other new mother to do this. During the immediate post-natal period, let alone post-surgery, the body needs rest, not to be pushed like this, and a gentle walk would have been more appropriate.

Still, I was listening to my body in other ways. I had been trying to increase my iron levels through my vegetarian diet by eating vast quantities of dried apricots, spinach and dark chocolate, but I didn’t feel like they were having any significant impact. If anything, all the sugar was simply encouraging the growth of candida and creating a greater imbalance in my gut flora, which was already struggling due to the antibiotics and my lowered immune function.

So I finally relented and to my family’s relief I agreed to eat red meat. My Mum made me a Shepherd’s pie as she felt that this would make it easier to eat.  Well I certainly didn’t have any problem eating it.  It was an animalistic experience as I was salivating at the sight and smell of it and I simply couldn’t get enough of it and ate it with such vigour that E was astounded as he’d never seen me eat meat previously.

It was an empowering experience because for once I was truly listening to and honouring the needs of my body in a way that I hadn’t done previously.  It wasn’t easy though and I had to dig deep to make peace with this on a soul level – I feel strongly about animal welfare and killing animals for our pleasure, so it helped to see it as a short-term medicine. It worked and I’m very grateful to the animals who helped me to heal.   It took a few months but my iron levels increased and I reached a point where I no longer needed to eat meat and I returned to my vegetarian diet.

Six week’s post-surgery, I had a check-up with the specialist and by then my scar had healed. I could still feel it when running, but I wasn’t aware of it other than that. The vaginal bleeding had also stopped and I was finally able to drive again. I was also well enough now to be left on my own again and I relished this. I was still extremely exhausted though, the sleep deprivation was beginning to take its toll and little did I realise at that time that this would go on for many years!

I was still feeling pretty overwhelmed however and there were lots of tears and moments of frustration. It just took so long to do anything, to get Elijah changed and ready to leave the house, and then inevitably we’d need to have another nappy change and that would add on another ten minutes, so we were always running late. I was beginning to anger quickly too, a combination of the sleep deprivation and the tiredness and I blamed the Caesarean section for all of this – this wasn’t how it was meant to be!

And I think that’s the trouble. One of the five Reiki principles reads, “Just for now, do not anger”, because anger is often a waste of energy and can create disharmony if expressed inappropriately. It often arises because our expectations are not met, so the principle asks us, just for today to let go of expectation. But here I was full of expectation – expectation of birth, of motherhood, of having a baby, of what E should or shouldn’t do to help, and my expectations were not being met. It was a rocky road over those next few months.

It actually took me a few years to heal from this birth experience and the shock of the transition to motherhood. I couldn’t understand the reason any woman would elect to have a Caesarean section or have another baby, and I had increased compassion and respect for all mothers. My healing and spiritual journey would help me to finally come to terms with this experience, for what I would later discover is that what you resist persists…and the Goddess of the Moon was still waiting for me to dance with her.

Part 17 - The Caesarean Birth

There’s no denying the fact that I was nothing short of terrified as we arrived at the hospital that gloomy November morning for the birth of our baby.

I’d barely slept the night before and while I’d managed my much needed early morning yoga practice, no amount of conscious breathing was really going to ease the edginess I was feeling.

I’d read extensively about ‘birthing without fear’, yet here I was, feeling exactly the opposite, so that I was most definitely going to be birthing with fear.  Not that I felt that I was really going to be doing much birthing; I just had to show up and the birthing bit was going to be done for me.

There was a certain finality to leaving the cottage that morning, as I knew that life would never be the same again. I was excited of course, but also extremely nervous about the unknown and consumed by the anxiety of whether we’d have the chance to witness our baby being born.

We tried to stay jolly during the short drive to the hospital and onwards on the walk up to Loveridge Ward, the maternity unit at the Princess Elizabeth hospital here in Guernsey,  where I’d been born too. As requested we arrived at the ward at 8am, which still seemed ridiculously early, especially as we then spent the next few hours sitting around waiting for something to happen.

I was allocated a bed close to the central nurse’s station, although the curtains were drawn around it so we had some privacy. There was nothing much we could do aside from sit around and wait, me on the bed responding to work emails on my blackberry and E attempting to read a magazine as he sat on a chair beside me drinking tea. I was nil by mouth from midnight and envious because I was desperate for a cup of tea!

It felt that there was an assumption we knew the routine of being here on the ward, but it was all new to us.  We weren’t familiar with the ward, nor the manner in which it was run. And while an initial midwife was allocated to us, she was quickly whisked away to an emergency and replaced with another one instead.

This second midwife had recently moved to Guernsey so we chatted about life on the Island as I was keen to establish a relationship with someone who might be with us during such a life changing event. She ran through the preliminaries for the Caesarean section and handed me a gown which I would need to wear to go down to theatre.

My friend had already warned me about the need to shave the upper part of my pubic hair so I’d done this earlier that morning, saving the midwife a job. However, I hadn’t been warned that painted toenails are not allowed in theatre, so the midwife removed the nail polish for me. I felt a bit awkward her doing it for me, but my bump was so huge it would’ve been tricky trying to do it myself.

We had been allocated a theatre time and were preparing for this, but then there were a couple of emergencies which understandably took precedence over us. It was therefore just a waiting game and yet more sitting around becoming increasingly anxious, and of course hungry.  It also meant yet another change in midwife as the second one was also called away to one of the emergencies.

I was then reminded that what we resist persists, because for weeks I’d been going on and on about the fact that I absolutely didn’t want the one and only male midwife on the ward assigned to me.  In my small minded way of understanding how things were at the time, I had concluded that a male midwife would have zero empathy or indeed awareness of my needs as a woman.

It was inevitable therefore that I was allocated the male midwife, only to discover how very wrong I was! And needless to say I quickly learned that despite my initial resistance, he was everything I needed that morning, a true gift from the angels. He cared, he listened and he laughed helping to keep the energy light. The funny thing was the fact he wasn’t meant to be working that morning and had been called in at the last minute to help out.

The Goddess of the Moon was dancing and for the first time during that pregnancy, I smiled at the manner in which events were unfolding.  I’m pleased the Universe gave me the opportunity to recognise this, and to realise how judgmental I was being despite considering myself an open minded and non-judgemental individual!

It wasn’t long after he was assigned to me that, all of a sudden, they were ready for me in theatre. I had changed into a gown by then and removed my jewellery. I rushed off for yet another pee with my kidneys now definitely in fight or flight mode, before settling myself on the bed again. A porter arrived to wheel me down to theatre, which seemed a bit ridiculous as I could have quite easily walked.

I was upset to leave E and I recall looking back at him as I was wheeled out of the ward and silently praying that he would join me soon. I didn’t like the fact that we were separated at this scary time and I felt sorry for him left on the ward on his own. I was grateful for my male midwife who did his best to keep me humoured during the short journey.

Arriving into the waiting area was terrifying.  While I’ve had surgery previously, I don’t recall being in the theatre environment, so it was all new to me and it felt like entering another world that I knew nothing about. I didn’t recognise anyone, which is unusual here in Guernsey and it felt really busy with the the theatre staff rushing around doing their thing.

A theatre nurse was assigned to me and she checked my name tag and asked me to confirm my name. I was trying to keep it all together, trying to smile and trying to take it all in my stride but it was challenging, my mind was in overdrive concerned about the uncertainty of what lay ahead. My male midwife kept checking I was okay and the theatre nurse asked me questions about yoga to try and keep me calm.

I found it difficult to concentrate though as I had this myriad of ridiculous concerns going around in my head.  Should I still be wearing my pants? No, and the kind nurse helped me to subtly remove these. Would my midwife definitely retrieve my placenta for me? Yes, he was primed with a plastic tub, I didn’t need to worry. Would E be joining me soon? Yes, as soon we were settled in theatre.

I was handed a plastic hat to wear and we joked about this because we were all wearing them and it’s not the most attractive look.  To reduce stomach acids, I was given an antacid to take orally. I wasn’t happy about having to take anything which would impact on the balanced state of my gut, but I was aware that stomach acids can, in very rare cases, leak into a woman’s lungs during a Caesarean section, and the treatment is necessary.

Soon it was time to go into the theatre. It certainly wasn’t the environment I would have chosen for the arrival of my baby into this world.  It was bright, clinical and noisy with the sound of equipment buzzing and the theatre staff busily preparing for the procedure. I was shifted from the ward bed on to the theatre bed, which made me feel awkward as I didn’t like to think that I wasn’t capable of moving myself.  I’ve never been so nervous and fearful.

My memory is a little hazy of the exact course of events but I believe an intravenous line (IV) was placed into a vein on my right hand.  This was used to deliver medications and fluids etc. during the surgery.  It was also there if needed for a blood transfusion and I was reminded that blood was available for me in the theatre if necessary.

An oxygen monitoring device was placed on my finger and a blood pressure cuff was placed on my upper arm to monitor my blood pressure. I can’t recall now whether wires connected to heart-monitoring equipment were attached to my chest, I just remember there being an awful lot of wires and equipment generally.

As soon as I was settled, I was then helped onto my left side so that the anaesthetist could apply the spinal anaesthesia. I was wearing a gown that opened at the back so I felt exposed and vulnerable in front of a whole room of strangers. It was now that I became absolutely consumed by fear, especially that the anaesthetist might not be able to administer the epidural and me then requiring a general anaesthetic.

I was aware I needed to stay still to assist the anaesthetist but I was shaking uncontrollably. It was horrible because I just couldn’t seem to make it stop. A kind nurse held my hand and talked me through some deep breathing to calm me down. I thought it was ironic that I had to be reminded of this, especially being a yoga teacher but regardless, I was grateful for the support.

The focus on the breath made all the difference and I dropped my awareness deep into it, using Ujjayi breath as this calms me down almost instantly. It was a very present moment experience that I can still recall to this day, simply because of the manner in which I was desperate to stop the shaking, and was doing all I could with the breath to stop this.

I don’t remember feeling any pain as the anaesthetist injected into and around the nerves of my spinal column, near the middle to lower back, I was just focused on being as still as possible.  I was aware that once administered the anaesthesia would give a rapid and complete numbing sensation, relaxing all the muscles of the legs and abdomen and preparing me for surgery.

It was the strangest feeling, especially when I had to touch various parts of my body at the anaesthetist’s request to check whether the spinal had worked. My friend had already warned me about this because she said that while she was touching her own body, it felt like she was touching chicken breasts.

She was right, it felt very odd.  It also felt very odd that I couldn’t move my legs and I wasn’t entirely comfortable about this, as it made me feel a little claustrophobic. Still, this meant that the spinal had worked and with that I felt an incredible sense of relief. My greatest fear had not yet been realised, and hopefully E would soon be able to join me.

I was aware of activity around me. The specialist in his surgeon capacity was busying himself to the lower right of me and the anaesthetist was positioned to my right chest, monitoring the screens.  Soon a screen was placed over my chest so that I couldn’t see what was happening in front of me. My focus however was back towards the door behind me, and I kept crooking my neck around to look out for E who was supposed to be joining me.

A nurse mentioned that they needed to move my legs to enable them to insert a flexible tube, a Foley catheter, into my bladder to drain urine and keep my bladder as empty as possible during the surgery. This was also a strange feeling as I knew my legs were being moved but I couldn’t actually feel them.  Fortunately, I was too distracted by the door behind me to realise that this meant that my vagina was once again on display.

Finally, the door opened and there was E, dressed in his blue theatre attire with the regulation plastic hat on his head.  I could have wept with joy; it was an incredible relief that he was now able to join me. He was a little bit emotional himself at seeing me lying on the bed attached to all the wires and machines and the theatre staff primed for the birth, and quickly held my hand to comfort us both.

My relief was short lived however as I started to feel really sick. It probably didn’t last long as the anaesthetist reacted quickly, but it was long enough to send me into a minor panic. I felt helpless as I was lying on my back, unable to move, and concerned that I was going to vomit. I quickly figured that I could turn my head to the side if necessary so I wouldn’t choke, but nonetheless it was a very scary feeling.

The anaesthetist explained that my blood pressure had dropped and she did what she could to balance the level again and with that the sickness eased. I wasn’t very aware of what else was going on at that stage and I was trying to focus on my breath to steady myself, while gripping E’s hand.

E was standing to my left side and watching the procedure over the screen in front of me.  He later told me that it was incredibly graphic, but fascinating too as he saw the different layers of muscle and fat as the surgeon operated. It wasn’t long before I was told to expect some sensation of tugging and I could certainly feel this but it wasn’t painful.

Shortly after the tugging I heard mention of the need for forceps and went into another minor panic because it hadn’t crossed my mind that forceps would be needed during a Caesarean birth. I expressed my concern to E but he assured me that they were needed and were being used in a gentle manner. I shall never know if this was the case and fortunately I didn’t have a lot of time to reflect on the use of them because moments later the baby was born.

We didn’t know the sex ahead of the birth and we’d asked the specialist that E be the one to determine this. I remember E peering further forward over the screen as the baby was lifted out of me. I was impatient to know the sex and was asking him “is it a boy?” as this is what I had suspected throughout the pregnancy, and him nodding, before verbally confirming, with tears in his eyes, that our baby was a boy.

The name had chosen itself months beforehand. It had jumped out at me in the Baby Naming Book, E had agreed that he liked the name and it just stuck.  It wasn’t a name I would ever have imagined myself choosing, but it fitted very well. Here he was at 11.34am on Tuesday 12 November 2013 thrust up in front of us above the screen for a very quick peak, our new born son, Elijah Iain McInnes.

One of the meanings of the name ‘Elijah’ is ‘miracle’, which seemed appropriate to us as he was certainly our miracle, beating the odds by being conceived on our first attempt at IVF and staying safely in utero to 38.5 weeks despite the placenta previa. The other meaning is strength and power and that seemed appropriate too, he certainly felt strong and powerful, not least to beat the odds but also with all the kicking he’d done in the womb.

We gave him his middle name ‘Iain’ after E’s Dad who had passed away a few years before E and I met. We wanted to include him in Elijah’s life in some way and hoped that by giving him his name, it would connect him somehow.

I have to be honest I can’t remember which came first, my first glimpse of my son lifted up above the screen or hearing his cry. I was told that babies don’t need to cry upon birth, that actually if their birth is peaceful, they need make no noise at all. However, I had also read that a good cry lets a baby test out his/her lungs for the first time.

Before a baby is born, it takes in oxygen through the placenta via the umbilical cord, but the moment the baby leaves the womb, it’s on its own, so to speak. Natural instinct then kicks in and the baby does the only thing it can; it gives a good scream, the lungs fill up with air and for the very first time expand to their full capacity.

Furthermore, the baby’s first cry helps them to get rid of any amniotic residue in the lungs, mouth and nasal passages. This can also be suctioned out by the nursing team if required and everyone depends on that first cry to indicate that the baby is breathing well on its own. Our little boy certainly seemed to have healthy lungs and I welcomed that first cry.

I’m not sure of the exact sequence of events with the cord cutting either. Prior to the birth I had read extensively about the benefit of delayed cord cutting, which include a normal, healthy blood volume for the transition to life outside the womb; and a full count of red blood cells, stem cells and immune cells. For the mother, delayed clamping is said to keep the mother-baby unit intact and can prevent complications with delivering the placenta.

However, as I had placenta previa I had been told that there was no time for delayed cord clamping and with that the loss of all the researched benefits.  I knew this before going into surgery so I had already had time to process this, but it still seemed desperately unfair that my little boy wasn’t going to gain these additional benefits having been plucked from my womb before he was ready.

Still at least E was able to cut the cord. He had been resistant to this initially but now the opportunity presented itself he was more than happy to get involved. It’s often seen as a rite of fatherhood or the first stage of forming a relationship between father and baby and a Portuguese study found that the process aids emotional bonding between father and baby too. Whether it helped or not I’ll never know but I was pleased E was involved in the process.

After the cord was cut and Elijah had had his initial checks, our little miracle was soon brought to me as I lay on the bed while the specialist removed my placenta and stitched me up again. Fortunately, my placenta was retained by my midwife as the wild yogini within me wanted to plant it in the garden to nourish a tree for Elijah – and so the cycle would continue with the tree providing oxygen and nourishing us all that way too.

I’ll never forget seeing Elijah properly as he was placed skin to skin on my left side under my gown. He was wearing a pink and blue knitted hat, and looking so unfamiliar to me. I remember thinking, “This is my son, but I don’t recognise him, I don’t know him and yet he’s come from me”.

I lost all sense of time after this. My blood pressure dropped again and I have no recollection of being moved from the theatre to the post-operative recovery area. E tells me that we were there for a good hour or so as I was stabilised, but to me it felt like minutes.

All I remember is staring at Elijah and having the itchiest nose I had ever experienced. I just couldn’t stop scratching it because the itch just wouldn’t go away. The nurse administered an anti-histamine, which finally relieved it, but by then the damage had been done; I’d scratched my nose red raw and it was scabby for days after.

Once I was stabilised and back in the land of the living, I was wheeled up to the ward, Elijah swaddled and asleep beside me, and E beside us.  We had left the ward separately E and I and here we were returning as a family of three.  It was surreal but extremely exciting, I was now a mother with a healthy baby boy, it was a dream come true!