The IVF Journey Part 8 - Twins?

It was a strange few weeks after I found out I was pregnant.

I was technically 4-weeks pregnant the day we took the test with thirty-six weeks to go until the estimated due date, based on a gestation period of forty weeks.  I found it difficult to get my head around this initially because I’d always been led to believe that a pregnancy lasts 9 months, which it does in terms of when you find out you are pregnant (and have therefore missed a period) but officially it is counted from the date of your last period, or the date of whichever part of your IVF cycle mimics this.

We were due a scan between 6-7 weeks to confirm the pregnancy and to determine if I was still carrying the 2 embryos implanted - an embryo is defined as the developing pregnancy from time of fertilization until the end of the eighth week of gestation when it become known as the foetus. Other than the scan, we had now completed the IVF process and life was strangely quiet.

I know I’m not the only lady who has gone through IVF who has found this transition challenging. You go from following a rigid treatment session and receiving an awful lot of attention to all of that suddenly stopping.  It felt a little like being in limbo land. I was pregnant, but didn’t feel any different to how I normally felt. In those early days of pregnancy post IVF, there was no indication to me or to anyone else that life was significantly changing.

In fact, life continued much as usual and the day after finding out I was pregnant, I was leading my bi-annual Yoga & Wellbeing Retreat on the Island of Herm, a 20-minute boat journey from Guernsey. Fortunately, my Mum had taken care of much of the organising for me, so it was less stressful than it may have been ordinarily. It felt like it was perfectly timed actually because retreats are incredibly uplifting, even if you’re the one facilitating.

There is something about the collective energy of bringing people together with the common purpose of practicing yoga and increasing their sense of wellbeing that always leaves me feeling high spirited.  Furthermore, Herm is a fabulous place to retreat as you cannot help but feel more deeply connected to nature and the elements when you spend time there. It’s incredibly grounding and healing.

Also, I loved the fact that the embryos were already being bathed in this beautiful Herm yoga retreat energy at 4 weeks gestation. Not that I would ever know how this would affect their development or influence their growth or personality in the future, but I liked that yoga and Reiki had been in their lives since conception. It felt complimentary to their lightness, to immerse them in the lightness of the energies of these spiritual and healing practices.

It was a wonderful weekend and I was on a massive high just knowing I was pregnant. Perhaps because of this, I experienced one of those moments where everything just felt right. It was Saturday afternoon between classes, and I was practising yoga on my own in the main studio space in front of views of the sea and the East coast of Guernsey. Deva Premal’s beautiful voice filled the room and there was the faint smell of sandalwood in the air.

I sat on my mat with my hands on my tummy so that I could feel the energy of the embryos inside me.  All of a sudden I was overcome with that incredible and momentary feeling of peace. It was a split second, it came and went so quickly. But in that moment I felt expansive and aware that absolutely everything was as it was meant to be. All was well. It’s the most magnificent feeling of utter joy and peace that happens so infrequently that the moments become memorable.

Poor E on the other hand, while jubilant that the IVF had worked, was still struggling with his back, to the extent that he was now using a stick to help him walk. The fact we didn’t know if I was carrying 1 or 2 embryos was weighing heavily on him. I was convinced I was pregnant with twins and while I was anxious about how this would play out during pregnancy and birth, I didn’t give it too much consideration beyond then.  E, on the other hand, was constantly questioning how we would cope.

Those 2 weeks between the retreat and the scan seemed to drag on. E started seeing a new doctor who was adamant that he didn’t need surgery, so he was feeling a little more positive and empowered, the fear was losing its grip a little.  Still we were both anxious about the scan and we tried to keep the energy light as we sat in the MSG waiting area for our appointment, I was then 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant.

I could still feel the energy inside me albeit denser now than it had been at the beginning so I was feeling confident.  Our Specialist was delighted that I was pregnant and didn’t waste any time in getting me scanned.  It was yet another transvaginal ultrasound as this is the safest and clearest way of seeing an embryo at this very early stage of pregnancy. At 6 week’s gestation, an embryo is generally between 5-9mm long, which is very tiny.

So there I was again, legs in stirrups as the Specialist inserted a probe up into my vagina. I was getting a little over all this by now. Still, I didn’t have too much time to reflect, because all of a sudden we were able to see a heart beating on the screen to my side. A heart beating! It was truly incredible. There on the screen, at 6 week’s gestation, was the tiniest little heart beating away very quickly, double the rate of an adult heart. I’ll never forget this.

E and I looked at each other, huge smiles on our faces, this was real, and there on the screen was the heart to prove it, a heart created by the love and union of our hearts. It’s amazing. Certainly I would never have chosen the path of IVF if we had been able to conceive naturally, yet here we were, because of the IVF able to witness new life like this, it was a privilege and a joy.

In the spiritual world we talk of all life being about love, and here to prove this – to me at least – was the image of our 6-week old embryo as a single beating heart! I was beginning to recognise the blessings in the challenge that is conception through IVF. As an energy worker I was continuously learning about the energetics of new life, of all life, of the purity of the energy of love – the heart beating on the screen proved this to me. We are all heart, there is only love.

However, we’d only seen one visible heart and while the specialist managed to find what looked like the sack of the other embryo there was no heart beating. Still there was hope as he advised that it may be just a little bit too early to detect a heartbeat, so we’d need to check again the following week. Either that or it hadn’t made it.

I knew as he said those words that there wasn’t going to be another one. But I wasn’t ready to accept it just then. I’d had my heart set on twins. I hadn’t considered that we may lose one of the embryos as everything else had gone to plan. It was a weird feeling. On the one had I was ecstatic about seeing the growing embryo, the heart beat within me, and delighted that I was pregnant with this new life, but also strangely upset at the potential loss of the other one.

We had to wait a further 2 weeks for the next scan and in many respects this was ideal.  It gave me a little time to process things. I still had hope that I was carrying twins, but at the same time, I was also aware that this was unlikely to be a reality.  It was another weird limbo time although by now I was experiencing morning sickness so the reality of the pregnancy was hitting home. We were due to go away on holiday the day after the scan, so by the time it came around, I was just keen to know.

It was a different Specialist this time so no stirrups. This was a blessing – it seems they all have their own way of doing things. I doubt there is any lady comfortable with legs in stirrups. It’s insane to me to think that women used to have to give birth in this position, but that’s another story. For now, it was all about the second embryo and sadly it seemed that it had indeed died. I was pregnant with what was now a healthy growing foetus and that was that.

I was upset. It sounds ridiculous I know.  I was very lucky, I had a healthy foetus inside me, and I realise that some ladies don’t even get that opportunity.  But for all intents and purposes, I had miscarried and this hurt. I questioned whether I had done something wrong, I had played competitive netball not long after conceiving and I wondered whether that may have created the loss. Or perhaps I should have practiced yoga differently.  All these thoughts ran through my head.

Until that point, I’d never really understood how women could feel loss over an early pregnancy miscarriage.  But now I understood.  It doesn’t matter how that embryo was conceived, or the period of its gestation, you can still create an immediate emotional bond with it, as you excitedly imagine your future with a new baby in it.  To have that then taken away from you, or at least to feel that this is then taken away from you, is heart breaking.

I’ve no idea how women cope when they repeatedly miscarry. It must be soul destroying.  I felt a new level of respect for all the ladies I knew who had miscarried. It was humbling to gain this new level of awareness. The Universe works in mysterious ways at times. The IVF journey was not something I would have chosen as an opportunity for spiritual growth, but that was exactly what it was presenting to me.

Not only was I encouraged to be more open minded and do a whole 360 turn on my perception of the medical world and science, so that I had a new level of respect for both, but I was being encouraged to open my mind and be less judgemental.  Through my experiences I was also learning a lot about the energetics of new life, initial pregnancy and loss so this may make me a more aware and compassionate yoga teacher, healer and indeed human being. 

My life was taking on a new direction in more ways than one. I was now 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant now and I was certainly feeling the changes in my body.  My breasts were heavy and achy, my nose was super sensitive to smell, I experienced an overwhelming sense of tiredness, and I felt nauseous and yucky. Urgh! It was both incredibly unsettling but also reassuring to know that the embryo was working its magic and my body was adjusting to the new growth.

I visited my GP to formally advise her that I was pregnant and to enter into another system, the pregnancy one this time.  My doctor was delighted for us and sent me away with a pack of information to add to the pile of books I had waiting for me at home. It was clearly time to educate myself on pregnancy and birth. One thing I already knew however was that I really wanted a vaginal home delivery, that was my new mission…

The IVF Journey Part 7 - The Pregnancy Test Waiting Game

The limited boat schedule meant that we had to spend an additional 48 hours in the UK following embryo transfer. This was a blessing in many respects as it prevented me from rushing around as I have a tendency to do at home.  Resting has never come easily to me, embryo transfer or not. However, it wasn’t quite the uneventful and restful time we had anticipated.

The day following embryo transfer we pottered around the South Downs visiting Stansted House which is a Grade II Listed Edwardian country house set on a 1,750-acre estate within the South Downs National Trust.  It is well worth a visit if you happen to be in the area.  It has a fabulous arboretum, which was a delight for E, not least because he’s a tree surgeon with a passion for trees, but because it distracted him from the increasing pain in his back.

From there we drove to Petworth Park which is host to incredible gardens designed by Lancelot Capability Brown.  I studied Capability Brown at University so it was a big deal for me to see his work first hand. Capability Brown is reputed as the super-guru of parkland landscaping. He was hired at Petworth in 1751 and it is said that he left hardly a square foot of the gardens untouched.  It’s amazing!

We had a wonderful day together and I was expecting us to return to the hotel for dinner that evening before lazing around on the bed watching TV - a treat as I would soon be teaching yoga again most evenings. However, E had other ideas. The pain in his back was acute and he was now experiencing shooting pains down his left leg. He became increasingly anxious and felt he needed to see a doctor.

So it followed that my imagined restful TV night remained exactly that; imagined!  Instead I found myself driving E to Southampton on the M27 at speed, in the dark, and with rain pelting on the windscreen.  Not fun! And to be honest we were silly really because we were staying just up the road from Portsmouth but E thought it better to return to Southampton as he had already visited their A&E department at the beginning of the trip.  Big mistake!

It was Sunday early evening after all, and while we’ll never know if Portsmouth would have been any better, Southampton A&E department was jam-packed. I’ve never known anything like it, we’re certainly spoilt in Guernsey. Triage prioritised E to the bottom of the list, which was positive on the one hand but did mean a long wait for us on very uncomfortable plastic seats.  This was not quite the relaxing evening I had in mind.

By 8pm I was anxious for food.  The clinic encourages healthy eating for successful implantation and here I was stuck in an A&E department with only a snack machine at my disposal or a fast-food establishment in the main hospital itself (get that, fast food in a hospital!). This left me with little choice but to head out on my own in the car to try and find something to eat and then try and navigate my way back to the hospital successfully again.

I managed it though, finding a Coop and buying myself a pre-packaged salad, which I ate in the car. It wasn’t ideal and I felt a little sorry for myself. This was not what I had in mind for adequately feeding the little embryos hopefully growing inside me! Still one does what one needs to do and I had never seen E in quite so much pain. Fortunately, by the time I returned E had moved from the waiting room into the A&E treatment area.

It wasn’t until 10.30pm however that E was finally seen by a doctor. The doctor carried out the usual tests to determine that there was no apparent nerve damage, before sending E on his way with a prescription for drugs he already had. While it felt a little like a wasted journey, at least E was reassured that there was nothing massively serious going on and he could carry on life as normal, at least until we got home and he could see his own GP. 

Being a holistic therapist it was absolutely no surprise to me that E’s back had deteriorated whilst we had been undertaking the IVF.  As a potentially older first time dad, and one who had, until a few years earlier, been very non-committal about, well commitment really, it was inevitable that this potentially hugely life changing and committed event would unground him and test his roots.

Furthermore, E’s back is where he carries his stress and if ever there was a stressful time to be had, then IVF is up there. It’s easy to overlook the stress that partners go through during IVF. While it may be us women going through the injecting and the scans, the egg recovery and embryo transfer, the men are going through their own process too. They often feel at a loss to know how to help, especially if the need for IVF is due to male fertility issues. It’s a testing time for everyone.

Leaving the hospital late that evening, I was initially irritated with E for getting himself so worked up about the IVF and his back pain.  I felt like he was stealing my thunder, which is a terrible thing to say, but I was supposed to be resting and looking after myself in that critical 48 hour-period. Instead, here I was driving us both back to our hotel at 11pm in the pitch black and the continuous rain when I should have been tucked up in bed.

I came around to seeing the funny side and we still joke about it this day; how he couldn’t cope with it being all about me and made sure it was now all about him instead! It certainly was all about him those next few days because he continued to be in huge amounts of pain. It didn’t help that we had to endure a 7-hour ferry crossing back to Guernsey the next day. For me it was ideal however as I got to rest and channel lots of Reiki onto my tummy.

It felt a little strange arriving back in Guernsey that Monday afternoon. We had gone away the 2 of us yet here we were – in theory - returning 4 of us instead. Everything looked the same, yet we had changed. Our relationship had deepened, how could it not. But it was more than that. Without having to say anything to each other, we both knew that life would never be the same again, regardless of whether the IVF worked.

I was still feeling confident of success however, although the fact we still had to wait 10 days to take a pregnancy test was unnerving. Waiting does not come easily to me. I’ve always had a tendency to impatience and this has frequently been tested these past few years. I doubt that there has ever been a single lady going through IVF who has felt calm, collected and patient during this twelve to fourteen-day period (twelve days for blastocysts, fourteen days for embryos).

I tried to keep busy so that the time would pass quickly. I returned to working in the office and teaching yoga again. I offered Reiki treatments too. No one would have known what we had just been through, it was very much life as usual to the outside world. Inside however, I was doing what I could to hold it together, dropping deeply into my spiritual practice to try and keep my faith and spirit high during this decidedly edgy time. 

I was fortunate in that I could feel the new life growing inside me, which helped enormously. As someone who works with energy it was incredibly exciting to feel such vibrant and pure energy, the spark of new life. As the days went on, the energy changed and it began to feel like running your hands over a string of pearls. It’s like the energy becomes a little more contained, a little heavier, but with movement, a circular movement as they grow inside. 

It really was amazing to be able to feel energy like this, a real blessing. I really wish every lady who undertakes IVF could feel this, not least because its like nothing else, but because at least you know then that the embryo is still alive and growing inside you and this can give you so much comfort. It really is such a horrible time, especially if you’ve suffered a failed cycle previously.

For us, this was our first time and we had no reason to doubt the process.  We had done what was asked of us and deep down I had this unwavering faith that it was all going to be ok. It wasn’t until a few years later that I discovered what it feels like when you don’t have this faith - it makes for an extremely stressful and anxious wait, at a time when you should be keeping your stress and anxiety levels to a minimum.

That’s not to say that during this time there weren’t moments of doubt and fear.  The mind is tricky like that. Fear I find particularly fascinating as it feels so real and yet it’s not real at all. It translates as “False Evidence Appearing Real” and if you can remind yourself of this when you feel it taking hold then it helps enormously in recognising it for what it is and letting it go. It’s not easy though.

I’ve no doubt that my daily meditation practice helped enormously in keeping my mind strong and focused during this time. I would wholeheartedly encourage any lady going through IVF to carve out some time in your day to just sit with what’s coming up.  Even just 5 minutes can make a huge difference to centre and check in daily. It’s in this way that you come to recognise the illusion that is fear and the negative thinking that accompanies this.

I also made sure to allow time after my asana practice for a Yoga Nidra.  I’ve mentioned it previously but Yoga Nidra really is incredible and everyone, regardless of whether they are going through IVF or not, should try and practice one regularly.  It’s incredibly grounding and centring and helps to reinforce a positive state of being.  I worked with the Sankalpa, or intention for the practice of “I am pregnant” to help to make this more of a reality.

During this waiting period I also did a huge amount of praying and talking to the angels. I love the angels and make no apology for this. Since they’ve been in my life, they have provided much comfort and guidance. I certainly felt their presence during this time which helped to buoy my spirits. I regularly read my angel cards and during this period the “child” and “new beginnings” cards kept flying out, which certainly helped!

I also noticed white feathers in front of my path, which are a sign that the angels are surrounding you and that all is well - there is a Divine Plan to all life! I noticed robins during this period too. They are believed to be another sign that the angels are with you and that it is time to sing your own song for a new period in your life. They will also teach you how to incorporate new beginnings with faith and trust in the process, which seemed incredibly appropriate.

I was channelling Reiki into my tummy at every available opportunity – I also wish every lady going through IVF could be Reiki attuned to be able to do this. I enjoyed going for Reiki treatments too. I was keen to do all I could to ground and balance my energy. I walked and swam as often as I could, but avoided strenuous activity like netball, which I had been playing prior to IVF. I also kept a low profile socially and retreated as best I could.

E was very much forced to retreat during this time as his back had become so bad that he spent his days lying on the sofa or floor drugged up on very strong painkillers. He had been to see his GP and was awaiting a referral to see a surgeon in Exeter. It was tough for him; he wasn’t able to distract himself from the impending pregnancy test other than by watching an awful lot of Miami Vice!

I was fascinated by his chronic condition and the mind-body connection. I truly believe that much of his physical pain at that time was a result of the mental and emotional stress that the IVF was causing. He was adrift, completely outside of his comfort zone and with that, he had zero grounding.  I did what I could by way of Reiki and yoga therapy, but I knew that it would eventually improve once our future was clearer.

As D-day finally approached I was excited about what lay ahead. I could still feel the energy of new life within me and I had this knowingness that all was well. Still that didn’t stop me sleeping fitfully the night before I was due to take the test. I woke regularly to check the time and the energy of the embryos in my tummy; I was longing for morning to arrive. It’s always the same, the more you long for morning, the longer it takes to arrive.

By 5.30am E and I had had quite enough. We were both keen to just get it over with now. I felt the energy of the new life in my tummy before leaping out of bed and almost running to the bathroom. I had butterflies and was shaking a little. I re-read the information pack even though I had read it the day before and probably the day before that too, wanting to ensure that I didn’t make a mistake and waste the kit.

There was nothing more for it than to get on with it. I peed on the stick for the allocated time and replaced the cap before joining E back in the bedroom and passing it to him.  I didn’t want to have to check the result – I remember doing the same with my degree, I didn’t want to be the first one to find out. I wanted someone else to take the responsibility!

E timed the 2 minutes on his watch as we both sat anxiously not really knowing what to do with ourselves. I suspect I fussed around a little, tidying or something, I don’t really remember.  I do know that it felt like an awfully long time.

Finally, the 2 minutes was up and I hid my head in E’s chest as he looked at the test and told me what I already knew – I was pregnant!  I could have danced with joy. The IVF had worked and I was jubilant! E was absolutely relieved. I couldn’t stop smiling and just wanted to tell the world! Phew!

The IVF Journey Part 6 - Embryo Transfer

Embryo transfer – or in this case blastocyst transfer – was due to take place late morning on a wintry March 2nd 2013. In many respects it was perfect timing. I’m a Pagan at heart and and we were a month away from having celebrated Imbolc, which in the Celtic seasonal calendar marked the beginning of the lambing season and signalled the beginning of Spring and the stirrings of new life – the reawakening of the Earth.

The original word Imbolg means “in the belly”, which explains the underlying energy of this time. All is pregnant and expectant – and only just visible if at all – like the gentle curve of a “just-showing” pregnancy. It brings with it the promise of renewal, of hidden potential, of earth awakening and life-force stirring. There is hope, light at the end of the tunnel. It is a time to celebrate the returning light and witness Life’s insatiable appetite for rebirth.

This is a time to let go of the past and look to the future, clearing out the old, and making both outer and inner space for new beginnings. It’s a good time for spring cleaning and wish-making. It’s also a good time to prepare for what you wish to accomplish in the months ahead. At this time, you will want to clarify and refine what you began to work on at Yule.

Imbolc is also a time for celebrating the Celtic Goddess Brigid. Brigid is the Goddess of Poetry, Healing, Smithcraft and Midwifery. She is the Goddess of fire, of the sun and of the hearth. She brings fertility to the land and its people and is closely connected to midwives and new-born babies. She is the triple Goddess (maiden, mother and crone) but at Imbolc she is in her Maiden and virgin aspect.

It was appropriate therefore. I was a Maiden wanting to become a Mother. Ripe with new potential and the stirrings of new-life force. I had begun the journey some time ago, but made my intentions very clear at Yule. The dream of pregnancy was now becoming more of a reality, and it felt like nature was supporting this with her Spring energy. On some level, unconscious though I had been of it, it was indeed perfect timing for new beginnings!

We were the only patients in the clinic that morning, which made the clinic feel less clinical somehow, more relaxed and personal. It helped that the consultant and nurse were both known to us too. They were the ones we had initially met in Guernsey, and who had been with us at our initial appointment in the clinic in January, the consultant having delivered the good news that we could begin ICSI.

It’s funny really how life unfolds. Initially when E and I first talked about having a baby, I prayed for a very conscious conception.  And now here we were experiencing exactly that.  Admittedly it was absolutely not in the manner I had imagined – think beautiful environment with rose petals brightening the room, candles flickering and atmospheric music playing in the background – but a conscious moment nonetheless.

It’s a good reminder that we must be careful what we wish for, and to let go of any expectation of how our wish may manifest as it is rarely in the manner we anticipate. So here we found ourselves in a very clinical environment in Southampton, with monitors and scanners and a consultant and a nurse. It certainly wasn’t the stuff of dreams and I was aware that I was going to have to dig deep to find the spiritual in all this.

Still one does what one does and the clinic being less-clinic-like than it would be ordinarily (there being no other patients or members of staff rushing around) helped enormously. Our relationship with the consultant and nurse helped too. I feel very strongly that having a positive and friendly relationship with the staff supports the whole IVF process, and certainly makes embryo transfer the intimate experience it should be.

The appointment was running to schedule, which was a relief as my bladder was bothering me.  It has to be half full for the procedure but mine felt that it was fuller than this and it was too late to do anything about it! The nurse led us from the reception down the stairs to the theatre room. Here I was asked to remove my fluffy boots and leave them by the door, whilst E had to put what looked like blue plastic bags over his shoes.

We were then led into the theatre room where the consultant was busying herself. E was directed to the stool beside the bed and me to the bed itself as the embryologist joined us from the adjoining laboratory. She asked me to confirm my name to ensure that the blastocysts she was preparing for transfer were mine. This was certainly not a time for making mistakes and I was grateful for the security even if it did feel a little silly having to confirm who I was when it was obvious who I was!

The embryologist then showed us pictures of different quality blastocysts and explained that we had produced 3 very good quality grade blastocysts. Phew, this was a relief. It was certainly the outcome I had hoped and prayed for and I felt I had done all I could to help to achieve this, but of course you never really know, all you can do is be guided by your intuition. I felt pleased that my intuition had served me well and I felt quietly confident of a positive outcome now.

The embryologist advised that she had selected 2 of the blastocysts for transfer with the other remaining blastocyst being frozen for a future cycle (if we chose). It was strange.  As the embryologist explained this to us, I just had this all consuming feeling, a sense then, that that 1 remaining blastocyst would be very important to us one day. While I had certainly never intended to have 3 children, I also knew that there was no way I would be able to just let that blastocyst go to waste.

It was a situation I had discussed this with my IVF friend - the dilemma of what to do with any extra embryos that you may be lucky enough to create. It’s a wonderful position to find yourself in, when others have such difficulty in producing 1 quality embryo, let alone having a surplus like us. But it can create an issue because that’s potential new life in the embryos and it’s very difficult to just turn your back on that and let them go down the drain.

It was soon time for the transfer. While the embryologist returned to the laboratory to prepare the 2 chosen blastocysts, I was directed to a small changing cubicle at the side of the room to remove my tights and pants. From there I was directed onto the bed and had to shuffle down to its end so that my legs could be placed up into the dreaded stirrups again. E was still positioned beside me on his stool.

As we waited for the the embryologist to return, the lovely consultant took the opportunity to remind me what I should or shouldn’t be doing while we waited the twelve days until we could take a pregnancy test.  It was a little surreal hearing her talking about pregnancy tests, and especially that I may find myself pregnant in twelve day’s time.  It was really happening. Here we were, awaiting embryo transfer…which may well lead to pregnancy. Oh my gosh!

She reminded me to take the luteal support, which I had started taking a few days earlier in preparation for implantation and indeed pregnancy.  This is progesterone which is a hormone that helps to prepare the uterine lining to accept a fertilised egg and provide support for a developing embryo. It’s administered by way of a pessary, Cyclogest, which had to be inserted into the vagina morning and evening. Sore breasts and feeling emotional are the potential side effects.

The consultant mentioned a chance of some blood spotting and ‘period type’ pains following embryo transfer, and that one can feel a little bloated too. She explained that the embryos cannot become dislodged in the womb as they are held between the walls of the womb where surface tension forces are far greater than gravity. It was reassuring to hear this, because silly as it may sound it had crossed my mind and I didn’t want to do anything which may compromise a potential pregnancy.

She also advised that there is no current evidence to suggest that full and complete rest for the twelve days following transfer will improve the chances of a successful pregnancy. However, she did stress the fact that psychologically it’s important that a woman feels that she has done everything possible to promote potential implantation. Thus it’s a very personal choice about how you spend those twelve days.

There were things to avoid however, such as strenuous exercise, hot baths/saunas that raise your core body temperature, sexual intercourse, ibuprofen, smoky environments and drinking more than 3 caffeinated drinks a day. Other than that it was life as normal and I certainly intended to get back into the swing of things when I got home. I’ve never been one for sitting around and with twelve days to wait to take the test I knew that I would need to keep busy; that’s just my way!

The embryologist returned to the room and I re-confirmed my name to her, feeling particularly silly about doing so a second time! The consultant then set about inserting a small flexile catheter into my vagina, up through the cervical canal and into the womb.  We could see this all happening on the screen positioned at the end of the bed, the nurse sliding the ultra sound device over my tummy (and full bladder) to get the clearest view.

The sensation is similar to having a smear as I had been told to expect. It wasn’t painful as such, more so uncomfortable. I think it’s more the combination of the fact your legs are in stirrups, there’s pressure on your bladder and your cervix is making itself known to you. I gripped E’s hand and dropped my awareness to my breath, practicing the Ujaii breath, in and out, deepening the inhalation and lengthening the exhalation.

The consultant found what she believed to be the optimal position and before we knew it a star flashed on the screen as she released the blastocysts inside of me. It’s an amazing sight. My IVF friend had told me to look out for it and I’m pleased she did as it disappears quickly. I shall never forget that star though, the flash of life, all parts coming together, the essence of spirit, conception. It was truly magical.

Here’s another piece of advice for anyone going through IVF. Look for that star. It’s a blessing to be able to witness the vibrancy of life like this. Magical. It’s a fabulous reminder that we are all, essentially, stars. And to see this essence with your own eyes is a privilege. It was recorded on paper for us too so we will always have the reminder, although its forever etched in our memories and we still talk about it to this day.

The catheter was slowly removed and the embryologist was called back into the room to take it back to the lab to check that both blastocysts had indeed been released. It only took a short moment for her to confirm that yes, they’d both been released. With that my legs were released from the stirrups and I was helped off the bed and guided back to the changing area to put on my pants and tights. I was then able again to relieve my bladder, oh the relief!  

Then that was that.  It was certainly not the stuff of dreams! And it was absolutely not the environment I had in mind for the conscious conception either.  Nope, this was as clinical as you could get, quite literally in a clinic and with others watching on too.  Still here’s the thing, it was incredibly conscious because both E and I were incredibly, totally, utterly, absolutely aware, mindful, present and all those other words that mean you’re very conscious of that exact moment.

In truth if there’s one thing IVF brings you, it’s awareness of the process of conception.  How can you be anything but aware with all the appointments and scans, the drugs and examinations and everything having an exact timing to it? You certainly can’t pretend what’s happening.  You feel every single step of the journey from beginning to end.  Your nerves are tested time and time again.  There’s certainly no drunken “Wham, bam, thank you Mam” moments with IVF!

There’s also no certainty with IVF and both the nurse and the consultant wished us luck as we left the clinic. It was a roll of the dice. Back in the car we sat quietly for a moment, letting it all sink in. I couldn’t stop smiling. I was feeling very upbeat about everything. It had been a little like a whirlwind but here we were, procedure completed. With that I felt this overwhelming desire to give thanks.

So we drove straight to Salisbury, which has since become something of a place of pilgrimage for us both.  On the way I started channelling Reiki on my tummy, and I suddenly realised that I could feel the energy of the blastocysts inside me. It was truly incredible. It was an energy I had never felt previously and this both fascinated and overwhelmed me.

It’s difficult to put it into words but I have since come to recognise that it was the igniting energy of pure spirit. Its like the initial spark of a lighter or the initial flame of a candle.  It’s the momentary pause between an exhalation and an inhalation, the bit that causes the inhalation to arise again…it’s the energy of Imbolc, the Pagan festival of light, full of new beginnings and potential new life.

It’s the lightest and most expansive energy I have ever felt. So new and alive and vibrant. It’s difficult to liken it to anything else but I guess its a little like bottling up the energy at the very beginning of Spring. And here we were, at the very beginning of Spring too. There is magic in all life, the trouble is we are often too busy or too distracted to notice it.  Here I felt privileged and blessed to have the capacity to feel such magic within me. It’s pure unconditional love essentially.

In Salisbury we headed straight for the cathedral. I am repeatedly awestruck by the beauty of this magnificent building and place of worship.  It pulls me in.  There is something about its ancient energy that finds me gravitating to its walls, hands held against the cool stone. You can feel the love in the structure of the building and I wanted to infuse and bathe my body and my soul in this beautiful energy, so that the blastocysts would know they had come home.

I sat on my own at the very front of the cathedral, staring up at the stained glass windows ahead of me and losing myself in their magnificence. I’m not religious but spiritual certainly, and in that moment, my faith was stronger than it had ever been. Surprisingly, going through IVF had strengthened this. I felt like we had been supported and guided the whole way. Now I knew that I just had to maintain this faith and trust in the outcome whatever that may be.

For now, it was about doing what I felt to do to support the new life growing inside me. It was appropriate perhaps that the moon was waning and leading up to a new moon, which is a time for rest and energy restoration.  I intended to retreat with this waning energy. I prayed for Guidance and gave thanks. I now knew that I was about to be tested, not only in faith and trust but also in patience.

The IVF Journey Part 5 - Preparing for Embryo Transfer

Egg retrieval brings with it risks. It’s common to experience some bowel disturbance such as constipation or diarrhea following the operation. Sometimes there can be some vaginal bleeding and in rare cases ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (“OHSS”). OHSS is a serious condition, which can cause symptoms of abdominal swelling and pain with shortness of breath, feeling faint and reduced urine output.

OHSS usually occurs several days after egg collection when the ovarian cysts fill with fluid and the fluid collects in the abdomen.  In severe cases the fluid also collects around the lungs. OHSS sometimes requires admission to hospital to ensure adequate hydration and to treat the symptoms of pain so needs to be taken very seriously. It’s certainly one of those things to look out for.

Fortunately, I was lucky as I didn’t experience OHSS or vaginal bleeding. I also did what I could to support my digestive system by eating plenty of vegetables, brown rice and flax seeds, drinking plenty of water and taking probiotics. The ancient yogis say that dis-ease originates in the digestive system and I certainly feel out of sorts if my digestive system is challenged in any way so supporting it throughout IVF generally is essential.

I also took extra Vitamin C to help with the healing and of course arnica, which I’ve come to recognise as nothing short of a miracle plant. You can take arnica in tablet form but you can also apply the cream to your tummy too. I also took milk thistle to support my liver, which I felt was under pressure during IVF from all the drugs and in this case the sedative from egg retrieval.

For me those next few days were all about healing from egg retrieval and preparing my womb to receive an embryo.  I wanted my body to be as healthy and clean as possible, my chakras balanced and glowing and my energy channels to be clear – mind, body and soul perfectly aligned!  I also wanted my womb to be warm, cosy and inviting so that any new life would choose to grow in there.

I enjoy a mission, especially a healing one and tried to listen to my body and do what it needed and get me as prepared as possible for embryo transfer. This meant that that first afternoon and evening I rested in bed, placing a hot water bottle on my tummy to bring healing heat to my womb, and channelling Reiki into myself too. Reiki was key for me and the next morning I had arranged a Reiki session at at a Holistic Centre in a nearby town. 

The treatment was with a mother and daughter team, so that meant four hands on me and double the amount of Reiki than one would receive from just one practitioner. It was amazing! None of us had ever experienced such heat during a treatment. The ladies’ hands were burning and they had to remove their jumpers to cope with the heat they were feeling. After a while I dropped deeply into a state of relaxation. 

It was an incredible experience – I’ve channelled and received a lot of Reiki in my time but this session was powerful indeed. There was no doubt that my body absolutely wanted to heal, and it was absorbing as much Reiki energy as it could during the time available to it.  To this day I still marvel at the magic of Reiki and the manner in which is heals. I felt calm, ‘whole’ and grounded after the session; like I’d come back to Earth a little.

I shared with the ladies the reason that I was visiting them and it caught me a little, because the daughter was terribly sympathetic and asked me how many attempts we had had with the IVF. When I responded that this was our first, she was even more sympathetic and wished me good luck. It was a very different reaction to how I was feeling in my head as I had no doubt at that point that all would be well, and it caught me off hand a little. She was incredibly well meaning, but I didn’t want sympathy.

It reminded me of the need to retreat during this precious time and maintain my grounding and faith in the process.  However well meaning people intend to be, this is a period of intense vulnerability, and it is essential not to fall into the victim mentality. Pity has no place in IVF. Nor any comments which may be construed as negative. One must gently withdraw into one’s own place and listen to the inner guidance about how to support the process. Lesson learned!

That late afternoon I took myself off to a Bikram yoga class. Bikram is not really my thing but E’s best friend likes to attend so I always accompany him when we are staying in Surbiton.  It’s yoga in a heated room practiced in front of a mirror and follows the same sequence in each class. There are 26 poses which are chosen to “systematically move fresh, oxygenated blood to one hundred percent of your body, to each organ and fibre, restoring all systems to healthy working order, just as nature intended” (www.bikramyoga.com). 

I struggle a little with the heat, it’s pretty intense, like being in a sauna. And I don’t particularly enjoy practicing in front of a mirror. Plus, I find the sequencing challenging as it is static and you practice each pose twice. But despite all of this, it does make you feel very clean as you sweat so profusely throughout the class and it can be really energising too. I always leave on a high and feel incredibly stretched the next day.

In this instance, I had a feeling that Bikram may assist with my healing process and help to bring fresh blood to my uterus. I also felt that it would help to quieten my mind and promote a positive mental state – it would be a distraction and time filler if nothing else! It was the first time I had been to one of these classes on my own and I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. It was fabulous to be anonymous and I was able to drop into my body without any one distracting me. It was certainly what I needed.

The next morning, I attended a yoga class at a lady’s house a 5-minute drive from where we were staying.  It’s not the first time I’ve come across this in the outer London area, where a female yoga teacher turns a room in her house into a yoga studio accommodating 6-8 students at a time. It creates a real community feel. The practice was great too, there’s much benefit from practicing in the company and indeed energy of other women.

After the class I visited a dear friend who lived nearby. She had gone through IVF a few years before me and was a wealth of knowledge and experience. It made a huge difference to me to be able to talk to someone who had already been through IVF. I would encourage anyone going through IVF to find a positive IVF friend to confide in. She was an incredible support to me during this time and I shall always be grateful.

My friend had conceived through her first IVF attempt, also with ICSI, and I was heartened by this. I was also humoured that we had both had the same number of eggs collected at egg retrieval and I hoped mine would fertilise as well as hers had done. She still had some embryos in storage which could be used at a future attempt and this was certainly my ideal outcome. It was lovely to chat things through and leave feeling incredibly positive about our chances of conceiving too.

Later that afternoon, E and I pottered around Richmond Park.  We both felt the need for fresh air and nature. I don’t think you can ever underestimate the positive effect that nature has on the soul. It helps to make you feel more connected to something greater than yourself, and there can be much comfort in this. It was refreshing to feel the soft earth beneath our feet and to marvel at the deer while breathing the fresh and cool winter air.

We were due back to Wessex the next day for embryo transfer. E’s back was feeling the stress of this as he struggled to find a comfortable position and was taking pain killers continously.  It was fascinating for me to witness the manner in which his mental stress manifested physically – his root chakra was feeling the strain. This was new territory for both of us and we were both feeling a little shaky.

I was certainly beginning to feel the strain.  While no news was certainly good news, I desperately wanted the clinic to call me and tell me that we had a sufficient number of quality embryos (day 3) for them to be able to progress a couple through to the blastocyst stage (day 6). This would give the embryologists more time to study the developing embryo and determine whether it was more likely to develop into a healthy pregnancy.

By the evening we had not received a call so we carried on life fairly much as usual, with another early night watching Downton Abbey and yet more channelling of Reiki into my tummy. It was a restless night of trying to sleep. I was now beginning to feel the stress a little more than I may have done previously.  It was all very real. I was desperate to hear from the clinic for some reassurance, but aware that they would only call when necessary. It was one big waiting game again.

The next morning, I was very much on edge. Wessex still hadn’t called so we left Surbiton about 9am to drive down to the clinic in time for our appointment. This didn’t feel right though and after driving for about 10 minutes, E parked the car and called the clinic to double check that the embryo transfer would definitely be taking place. The receptionist took a message and advised him that one of the embryologists would call us back, so we continued with our journey, me now feeling super on edge awaiting the call. 

Fortunately, the call arrived quickly and I spoke to the embryologist directly. He told me that they had cultured 8 embryos, 5 of which were developing particularly well so they were keen to progress 3 of these through to the blastocyct stage, and freeze the others.  This was amazingly good news. I could have jumped with joy. Phew, what a relief! It was exactly what I wanted to hear.  I had been visualising and praying for 2 healthy blastocysts and we were one step closer to realising this.

This also gave me an extra 2 full days to prepare my body for the transfer and I intended to make the most of this. I attended 2 more Bikram yoga classes and started to get really into it, which surprised me! I also listened to a number of Yoga Nidras.  I am a great believer that the innate intelligence of the mind-body takes from this practice what it needs and I needed a combination of deep rest and creative stimulus – I was creating new life after all.

I truly believe that absolutely everybody can receive some benefit from practicing Yoga Nidra – the yogic sleep – in their daily lives.  But I am an absolute firm believer that Yoga Nidra absolutely supports the IVF process. If there is one piece of advice I have for women preparing for, and going through IVF, it is this – prioritise a daily Yoga Nidra practice.  There is a free one available on my website, but you will also find some fantastic free ones on the Yoga Nidra network too.

A good diet felt essential and we ate a lot of brown rice, fruits and vegetables during this time. I continued to enjoy a glass of sparkling wine each evening while cooking dinner, (although I didn’t have one the evening prior to embryo transfer as it didn’t feel right for me). There are no rules about this though and I read about a consultant who positively encouraged women to enjoy a daily glass of wine during IVF, especially after embryo transfer to relax and reduce their stress levels.

I was also keen to nourish my soul and cleanse my aura with nature, and while I certainly missed being able to swim in the sea, or just being on a beach, we made the most of the nature available to us.  Thus we tried to spend as much time as we could outside those few days, treading the earth, breathing fresh air and hugging trees – never underestimate the power of this, it sounds wacky I know, but there is much energy, support and joy that comes from connecting with Mother Earth like this!

We were also fortunate to have access to Chinese medicine in Surbiton. We both had acupuncture and while it seemed to make little difference to E’s back pain, I certainly felt the benefit as it leaves me particularly energised. I also received some reflexology and the lovely Chinese doctor, on hearing I was preparing for embryo transfer, spent more time with me than she was meant to – my life was blessed with many healing angels during this time.

Admittedly all these extra treatments cost money, but by this point we were done with worrying about the financial aspect. It was our first attempt after all, and I was keen to do what I could holistically to support the treatment. I was mindful however of only working with people who felt aligned. I was aware – and continue to be aware – how fertility has become big business with people profiteering from women’s – often - desperation to conceive.

There are now a multitude of supplements and other products available that are marketed specifically at fertility. There are also a multitude of people offering their services to help you conceive, whether that be through holistic treatments or coaching.  While this all has a place it is essential not to give your power away to others during this time and believe that they know you better than you know yourself. They don’t. They can’t!

Like with anything in life, it is only you who can really make it happen and retaining self-belief, self-worth and a sense of hope are essential – anything which takes this away from you needs to be avoided. Thus you mustn’t just do something because someone else tells you too or because it worked for them. You do it because it feels right for you, aligned then and not from a place or attitude of desperation.

I tried to stay as empowered and true to me as possible. Thus by the time embryo transfer day arrived, I felt that I had done all I could do in the time available to me to prepare myself physically, mentally, emotionally and indeed spiritually to receive new life. I was a little anxious about the procedure as it was still an unknown to me, but I was delighted that we had finally gotten to this part of the process. I was feeling hopeful and excited and keen to get on with the next stage of our journey...

The IVF Journey Part 4 - Egg Retrieval

I was awake early on egg recovery day; a combination of excitement and anxiety about the unknown ahead.  Plus, our appointment was booked for 10.30am, and I wasn’t allowed to drink anything beyond 8.30am so I was up in good time to fit in my essential morning cup of tea!  That was all I was allowed though, well that and water, but nil food by mouth from midnight so no breakfast for me.

We were also told not to wear perfume, aftershave, hairspray and/or strong deodorant when attending for egg recovery. Apparently embryos held within the adjacent laboratory are very sensitive to the chemicals contained in the products so it’s important to avoid using them. I’m all up for the natural approach in any event, but it does make you consider how much these products may affect sensitive hormonal balance and your health generally.

I spent the journey from Surbiton to the clinic (Wessex) in Southampton channelling Reiki onto my tummy, hoping to infuse the growing eggs with as much loving, healing and energising Reiki energy as possible. I was just really hoping that the eggs were going to be good enough to grow into healthy embryos.  It was exciting certainly, but I was still silently praying that it would all go well - it really is a test of one’s ability to stay positive and have faith.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect that morning, I’d read the notes in the booklet provided by the clinic, but I was still nervous about what the procedure actually entailed. Fortunately, we only had to wait a few minutes in the waiting area of the clinic before we were led downstairs and into a small consultation room. Here I was asked to change out of my clothes and into a gown provided by the clinic before covering myself with my own dressing gown, which I had been asked to bring.

A small cannula was then inserted into my arm. This was probably the most uncomfortable part of the whole procedure as the nurse had to make a few attempts. Finally, the cannula was in place and before I knew it, I was kissing E goodbye and being led by the nurse across the corridor to the small theatre for the procedure.  It was probably a good thing it happened so quickly as it didn’t give me too much time to dwell on what lay ahead.

I was welcomed into the theatre by the consultant and her assisting nurse, both of whom I knew from our previous appointments.  I appreciated the continuity of care, although I’m not sure you get that so much these days with IVF now so popular. At that time however, it made a huge difference in putting me at ease and we were able to chatter and joke with some familiarity. The theatre itself wasn’t threatening either, as far as I can remember it just contained a bed with a stool beside it and a large scanning system at the foot of it.

There was a sense of purpose in the room and after our friendly exchange I was asked to remove my pants and sit at the base of the treatment bed. It was then that all dignity went well and truly out of the window as I lay back and my legs were padded and strapped up into stirrups. I wasn’t expecting this and it’s certainly not an experience I’m in any hurry to repeat.  Still it wasn’t long after this that I was administered a sedative, which sent me straight to sleep.

I was oblivious to the procedure itself, I’m told that the it’s not particularly lengthy, perhaps 10-20 minutes, it depends really on how many eggs are being retrieved. The recovery of the eggs from the follicles is generally done using a vaginal ultrasound probe, which guides a needle to aspirate each follicle. It’s incredible when you think about it and amazing that science facilitates this.

Once the egg is retrieved it’s studied under a microscope and given a grading, with each clinic having its own grading system. The emphasis is on quality rather than quantity, especially as not all the eggs retrieved will be fertilised so the number doesn’t necessarily give an indication of how many embryos may result. However, to a greater extent, the more eggs the clinic have to work with, the greater the chance of them fertilising so it’s all relevant.

Once the eggs are retrieved, they are put together with the sperm in the laboratory (in-vitro) about 4 hours after egg retrieval, or, as in our case, the sperm are injected individually into the eggs (ICSI). The eggs are then checked the next morning for evidence of fertilisation. At Wessex, statistics indicate that there’s a 5% chance that none of the eggs will achieve fertilisation. This does mean however that 95% should be ok!

I remember waking up in the recovery room and being surprised to find that it was all over, it felt like it had been seconds since I had laid down on the bed in the theatre. I was also amazed by the number of other ladies in the room with me as I had been unaware of them upon arrival at the clinic.  There was a lady in the bed next to me and I could hear a couple of other ladies chatting beyond the thin curtain that separated us – the nurse confirmed that it was indeed a busy morning. 

I was very excited about this as there was full moon due later that evening. Not only do I literally worship the Goddess of the Moon but she is also the Goddess of fertility and the full moon is a time when women are (in theory) most fertile. I found it fascinating that despite us all taking fertility drugs, our “cycles” were somehow still connected to the moon. Furthermore, I was jubilant at the auspicious nature of the timing with my eggs being fertilised within the energy of a fertile full moon!

I was keen to share my excitement about the full moon IVF gathering with whomever would listen. The poor lady in the bed beside me couldn’t avoid my ramblings and I was delighted to educate her about the connection between the full moon and fertility, and the auspicious timing of us both having our eggs retrieved on this day. She told me that this was her third attempt at IVF, the first two cycles failing. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like and I hoped that the moon was working some magic for her. Unfortunately, I shall never know whether she conceived but I like to think so.

The nurses were less interested in my moon tales, I don’t think they really understood the significance, it was just another day for them. There was a time when I too didn’t really know much about the moon, and I certainly didn’t understand or recognise the correlation between the moon cycle and my own cycle. Nor did I appreciate the power of the menstrual cycle as it moves us from girl to woman, through to wise woman and on to Crone, it was just something that happened every month.

Further, I had no idea of the way in which we can use our menstrual cycle to connect with our innate feminine wisdom – the wisdom of our grandmothers and great grandmothers and all the wise women that have lived before us – and the fact that this is available to us all the time.  It’s something that every woman should be taught when they first begin menstruating, because it offers us so much insight into how we’re living our lives and can be deeply empowering – imperative for any lady with menstrual issues.

Since I discovered the wonders of the Goddess of Moon, I have been honouring her, praying to her and dancing with her whenever I can.  Quite literally too. There is nothing quite as uplifting and indeed wiring as dancing naked in the light of a full moon.  I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to deepen their connection to her, and feel her energy, especially anyone with fertility issues. If that’s not your bag, then just stand under her light with your arms held high and be moon touched instead.

But be prepared, she likes to shake things up a little in her quest to bring out the light in you (so that you may shine as brightly as she does when full). She’ll ask you to dance with her and shake yourself loose, surrendering to the moment and all that holds for you. She’s a blessing and brings blessings with her too. I was excited about her appearing on egg retrieval day – it was answered prayers and this strengthened my faith in the magic of the Universe.

After an hour sitting in one of the armchairs in the recovery room, drinking tea and literally recovering from the procedure, I was allowed to leave. It really was that simple, although the clinic insist that someone collects you as you’re still recovering from the sedative. I changed back into my clothes and E came down to collect me. It was then that our kind nurse met us and told us that they’d retrieved 11 eggs during the procedure and these were now with the embryologists for grading.

She told us to return in 3 day’s time for embryo transfer and that was that. It was exciting but I was very aware that the eggs may not fertilise or indeed be of a fertilised quality that would allow for embryo transfer.  IVF really is a waiting game, from one procedure to the next.  It can get so exhausting just waiting to hear the results of the various tests and procedures, and never being quite certain if you’ll be able to move on to the next stage or not.  

Still I was feeling positive – the moon was full and I was quite sure her energy would work some magic and help to fertilise the eggs.  Plus, I was rather hyper off the combination of the sedative and the relief of surviving egg retrieval. This meant I talked non-stop to E all the way back to Surbiton, it was like being giddy off a glass of champagne – I’d like to bottle that feeling!  Poor E was also relieved that the procedure was over and was looking forward to a few days lying on the sofa and resting his back, which was still very painful.

The clinic advice you to do very little, certainly no driving, no alcohol and no signing of legal documentation in the 24 hours following egg retrieval. They mention that you may experience some discomfort following the procedure with a swollen and sore abdomen and some cramping that may require strong pain killers.  They also advise you to abstain from sexual intercourse until you have received the result of the pregnancy test as the ovaries may remain enlarged and intercourse can potentially damage them.  Furthermore, some eggs may remain uncollected and these could potentially give rise to significant multiple pregnancy.

For me, between now and embryo transfer, it was absolutely all about healing from egg retrieval and preparing my uterus to receive the fertilised embryo(s). I saw it as a bit of a mission and set to work as soon as I got in the car, taking some high dosage arnica and channelling Reiki into my tummy. Back at the house in Surbiton, I continued with the Reiki while nestled up in bed with a hot water bottle on my abdomen. I like a good mission and I like healing work so I was looking forward to seeing how I could heal myself within this short time period.

The IVF Journey Part 3- Scans and Injections!

I don’t think you can ever get used to having transvaginal ultrasound scans as such, but by the time I began the IVF Antagonist cycle I had already had two of them, and I tried not to think too much about it. I just had to consider that these scans are all part of the process to achieve a certain outcome - pregnancy.  It was all about the outcome after all, and staying focused on this helped enormously. Not to say they weren’t still intrusive, they are, they’re incredibly intrusive but I just couldn’t allow myself to think too much into it.

E was great and attended every specialist appointment with me scan or no scan.  I just felt that I needed the moral support and he felt that it was important to be part of the process too.  We were trying to conceive after all and that involved bits from both of us so we gave it our all, body, mind and soul.  Thus after my next period started I had to go to the Medical Specialist Group here in Guernsey for a transvaginal ultrasound scan of my ovaries to check for cysts before I could begin the IVF cycle.

I wasn’t expecting the specialist to find any and he didn’t, but it’s still a necessary part of the programme before you can be given the go ahead to start the medication.  It’s perhaps worth sharing here that there was a time when I did have cysts on my ovaries.  I share this only because I know that others experience this, and the cysts can make it tricky to conceive naturally and can complicate the IVF process (or so I believe).  I managed to heal my cysts naturally and it was a lesson for me, not only in terms of how we can hold unprocessed emotions in our bodies, but how we may perhaps heal these holistically.

As I have mentioned previously, I developed an eating disorder when I was 17 years old. It began with me starving myself so that my periods stopped.  Then when I went to University later that same year I fell into the nasty trap of starving myself and then binging, so that I actually put on weight and every day my life was consumed with what I was eating.  It went on for too many long years.  The trouble is that once an eating disorder has taken root, its very difficult to let it go.

By the time I was approaching my mid-twenties I knew that something had to change. I was still caught in a cycle of obsessing about what I ate and starving and binging myself in equal measure while exercising excessively. Essentially I didn’t really like myself very much and both my relationship with food, the PMS and the bouts of depression I experienced were all consuming at times and utterly exhausting.

Fortunately, after running the London marathon, I found yoga.  My body was in a mess and someone mentioned to me that yoga may help.  I had already read that yoga can help with PMS and depression, so it seemed to make sense to give it a try.  I had nothing to lose.  So that’s what I did and the rest is history really. Yoga made me feel better.  For the first time in a long time I was encouraged out of my head and into my body.

Without doubt yoga saved my life. It was through yoga that I came to discover Reiki, which was truly life changing for me, and also presented a world of healing, crystals, angels and good nutrition. I started seeing a local nutritionist who was just brilliant. She was very no nonsense and prescribed a hormonal balancing diet and a selection of supplements, which made an incredible difference to how I felt, I couldn’t believe it!

Until that point, I ate what I ate depending on what I felt it would do to my weight, opposed to what I felt it would do for my health. It was incredible really, to finally understand that much of my PMS symptoms were due to my diet, and I came to realise that we truly are what we eat, and with that there was a huge shift in my relationship with food and with myself, but sadly eating disorders do not disappear over-night and there are always trigger events.

A trigger event for me was immersing myself in the Byron Bay yoga scene, which was full of skinny yogis who ate very limited diets under the guise of being healthy.  I tried many of them, from a vegetarian diet to a raw food vegan diet from juicing to a fruit-only diet. After a stay of 5 months one time I returned home to Guernsey the skinniest I had ever been and with that my periods had stopped again and my mind was utterly consumed with my weight. 

I knew without doubt that something had to change.  My Reiki Master happens to be a professionally qualified hormone expert so I undertook some saliva testing, a service she offers, to investigate the lack of periods.  The results confirmed her suspicions - they indicated I had polycystic ovaries and with that I took myself off to the doctor.  However, the doctor took a good look at me and disagreed with the diagnosis as I wasn’t overweight (quite the opposite), I didn’t have spots, and there was no excess hair on my face. 

Still, she sent me for a scan and sure enough this showed that I had a whole heap of tiny cysts covering both my ovaries.  The doctor was surprised and I was slightly alarmed as I knew that on some level I was responsible for this. There was no allopathic treatment for the cysts as such, the doctor just mentioned that having cysts may make it trickier for me to conceive but we’d have to wait and see and address the issue then if necessary.

I decided I wasn’t going to wait until I wanted to conceive and with that decision I set out to heal myself naturally.  My Reiki Master, the hormone expert, prescribed a treatment plan, which involved taking a whole heap of supplements and using natural progesterone cream so I started with this.  However, I recognised that there was an emotional element to the cysts - and the underlying eating disorder which I didn’t mention to anyone and no one raised with me – and I knew I needed to address this too if I hoped to heal.

I had recently read a popular self-help book by Brandon Bays called “The Journey: A Practical Guide to Healing Your Life and Setting Yourself Free”, which I had found inspiring. Brandon was diagnosed with a basketball-sized tumour in her uterus and refused drugs and surgery. Instead she discovered what she described as “a powerful direct path to the potent healing power of the soul”. Six and a half weeks later, she was tumour free and this book shares her story and her pioneering vision of an entirely new paradigm of healing.

 “The Journey” has apparently been used by hundreds of thousands of people worldwide to awaken their own infinite potential and set themselves free. It sells itself as “a powerful, step-by-step means to find direct access to the soul, the infinite intelligence that is within us all”, and through that medium to heal. I liked what I read. A lot.  And now, for some reason, I just couldn’t get “The Journey” out of my head and when I investigated the location of practitioners, I was delighted to find that one lived on Jersey, a neighbouring Island.

So I took myself off to Jersey on the boat for a day-trip to see this lady.  It was funny really because I was living with my parents at the time and while I told them I was going to Jersey for the day to see a lady for a healing treatment, I asked them not to ask me anything about it, because I knew they wouldn’t understand and would think me crazy.  Not that that would have put me off, sometimes you just absolutely know that you have to do something and even though no one else may understand why you’re doing it, or they judge you for doing it, you know you have to do it anyway.

When you have a knowing like this, when you have absolutely no doubt about the decision you’ve made, it can feel like you are being guided by some higher power. When this happens, whatever it is you have to do tends to happens very easily and effortlessly - it’s like all the doors opening for you along a corridor or all the traffic lights being on green along a main road. I’d had that experience when I first went off on my yoga travels. To this day I don’t know what drew me to Byron Bay but something did and despite the fact I had to extricate myself from my life in Guernsey first, it happened very easily and I felt supported every step of the way – little did I realise it would be quite so life changing.

“The Journey” was life changing too. Sitting in a comfortable chair in her private treatment room, the friendly practitioner guided me into a meditative state and took me on a journey to my ovaries.  There, with her guidance, I was surprised to see that eating away at my ovaries - quite literally - was a resentment I had been holding on to for some time, since I was 17 actually, and an incident which I believe may have triggered my eating disorder in the first place.

Initially I was surprised that this particular episode of my life and my reaction to it had ruled my life for so many years. I mean it kind of made sense to me, but nonetheless I was alarmed at the impact it had been having on my health and wellbeing. I was only relived that I now had the opportunity to recognise this so that I could get to work forgiving, making peace and setting myself free from it, before it impacted any further on my life.

In many respects it was a blessing as it taught me a huge lesson about how our thoughts and unexpressed emotions can be literally held within the tissue of the body, negatively impacting on our health and wellbeing, and potentially leading to - and indeed creating - dis-ease. It was also a huge lesson in how we can heal ourselves if we are ready to do the work, to face our demons, to dig deep and get down to the nitty gritty of it, finally addressing whatever it is we were unable to address and process at the time the experience/incident took place.

I complemented “The Journey” with Ayurveda. Meaning “the science of life” Ayurveda is exactly that, viewing health in four dimensions including the physical, sensory, mental and spiritual. It is centred on preventative medicine and bringing a person back to balance.  It shows how an imbalance in one part of a person’s being will affect them in another, i.e. if a person isn’t being true to their life path (dharma) then physical and mental illnesses can arise which cannot be effectively treated with modern medicines but can be helped by Ayurveda.

Ayurveda uses elemental medicine which means that they balance out earth, fire, water, air and ether in the body.  These are divided into three doshas or types - Vata, Pitta and Kapha - which are the basis of a person’s constitution and also the factors that can create imbalances.  Ayurveda places great emphasis on diet, lifestyle, yoga, meditation, massage and herbal medicines to bring a person back to health and keep them there.

The Ayurvedic doctor, a truly lovely Sri Lankan lady based near Gatwick, prescribed a nourishing diet that would suit my natural constitution. This alone was very healing as it meant I started to view food differently, not on a calorific/weight basis but on an energetic and balancing basis. She also prescribed me a selection of ground herbs that I had to mix with warm water and drink first thing in the morning, before and after meal times and before bed. I also attended the clinic for a half day nourishing and healing Ayurvedic massage.

The Ayurvedic approach is very much aimed at healing the root cause of any imbalance, which for me – the imbalance that is - was presenting itself as the cysts and PMS.  While the herbs were smelly and tasted disgusting, they encouraged me to eat regularly, which was not something I did ordinarily and was healing by its very nature. All together, the diet, herbs and massage certainly shifted how I felt and amazingly my periods soon started again and eventually synched with the moon. I was also aware that I was ovulating once more too, or at least producing the secretions which indicated this!

I have fairly much followed the Ayurvedic diet for my constitution ever since then.  It fascinates me because whenever I move away from this, I notice that my fire element gets out of balance and with that all sorts of changes occur. My mind gets very busy, nothing is ever right, I anger easily and I get very blinkered in my way of thinking. When this happens I know its time to get back on track again.

There is no doubt that Ayurveda has been as life changing for me as yoga and Reiki. As a yoga practitioner and someone fascinated by energy and healing, it resonates on every level. I really like the Ayurvedic doctor I see, she has counselled me spiritually and has certainly towed me into line when it has been necessary over the years. She is also a fertility expert and I would certainly encourage any lady experiencing fertility issues to speak to her.

The combination of all this healing work helped me to heal my ovaries from the cysts naturally and this was one of the reasons I was surprised we were not able to conceive initially. Still, we were where we were and it was with some relief that the specialist confirmed that as far as he was concerned we were all good to begin the IVF treatment the next day. Wow! I was excited, it was really happening, we were about to embark on IVF with the intention of conceiving new life. We were one step closer to realising our dream!

The next morning marked the beginning of my first IVF cycle and I began injecting. Only that I didn’t actually do the injecting myself, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, it didn’t really feel right somehow, so E kindly did it for me.  He was happy to do it too, not to cause me pain (obviously) but to be involved in the process and I found it easier leaving him to sort out this side of the treatment. This meant that each morning he would measure out the quantity of daily drugs that needed to be injected. He would then inject these into my tummy, trying his best to ensure minimal pain and bruising – it became like an art and there were good days and bad days!

The first medication was called Gonadotrophin, which is a stimulation medication containing two hormones, luteinizing hormone (LH) and follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), which are normally produced by the pituitary gland. These hormones stimulate the ovaries to produce a follicle, which contain an egg. It’s rare to experience side effects from this ovarian stimulation medication but occasionally a mild skin reaction can occur around the injection site, and more commonly abdominal discomfort will be felt as the ovaries are stretched by the developing follicles (bearing in mind that you usually only produce one in a cycle, not multiple).

At the same time, I started taking a high dosage of arnica prescribed to me by a homeopath. I am sure this remedy helped to ease the bruising from the injections. Mentally, I was very much working on the basis that there was no real reason that I should experience any untoward side effects from the medication. I deemed myself healthy and believed that the drugs would do what needed to be done – I was keen to flow with the process to achieve the intended outcome and let go of any resistance to this.

I continued working in the office as usual during this time, although I was fortunate to be working on a part-time and flexible basis where I could come and go as I pleased depending on my workload.  I also continued with my usual yoga teaching schedule, which helped to distract me from the IVF – not only have I always found teaching yoga energising for me but it brings me completely into the present and I think of nothing else but what is happening in the class in that moment.

I continued to provide Reiki treatments for this reason too. As a channel for the Reiki energy, not only do you receive it while giving it, but being in a quiet and peaceful environment for an hour or so can be restful and rejuvenating. I did however make every effort to protect myself from negative energies and to ground and cleanse myself after each session. Generally, though, I was keen to protect myself in life generally and I tried to avoid situations and people with negative and draining energy. I felt that this helped me to keep my own energy levels and vibration as light and stable as possible.

To enhance this, I took to my mat daily, not only to practice asana (postures) and pranayama (breathing exercises) but to do a Yoga Nidra using the Sankalpa, “my eggs are growing and ripening”, “I am pregnant with a healthy baby” before sitting and meditating for 20 minutes. I tried to take lots of walks and spend time in nature too. I continued swimming in the sea too – I find this so cleansing and grounding, and believe it enhances one’s sense of wellbeing.

I already drank lots of water and ate a healthy diet but I increased my protein intake. I was also already supplementing with oil of evening primrose, which is known to encourage the development of cell membranes. I still drank the occasional glass of sparkling wine, but was aware that the medication was already taxing my liver so I supplemented with milk thistle tincture to support this.  

I made an effort to rest as much as I could. I was growing eggs after all and I needed to do all I could to enhance this process. So I invested in the Downton Abbey box set and watched a couple of episodes every evening with a hot water bottle on my tummy (in Chinese medicine, warmth is considered necessary for the development of a baby). I took relaxing baths with aromatherapy oils and tried to take early nights, a novelty for me as I had a tendency back then to stay up very late working on my laptop!

I also received regular Acupuncture, reflexology, holistic massage and Reiki, most of which I was able to barter for yoga – the joy of having friends who are holistic practitioners!  All of the energy work helped to further relax me, keep my energy as light and clear as possible and help me – I hoped - to grow healthy eggs. In short, I was visualising healthy eggs, dreaming about healthy eggs, and living and breathing healthy eggs.  It was absolutely all about the eggs!!

On day seven I had to start taking Cetrotide, which is an antagonist injection. This is used to prevent premature ovulation (early release of eggs from the ovary). This drug rarely causes side effects other than a potential skin irritation around the injection site. Fortunately, I didn’t experience this although I suspect the arnica helped to reduce my susceptibility to any irritation. It was around this time however, that I started to feel a little irritated with all the injecting.

I’d been trying to stay positive but self-pity was creeping in and with that the “why me?” mentality and the “I don’t want to be putting these drugs into my body” way of thinking. There was fear there too, and I caught myself buying into it a little as I questioned whether the drugs were working and caught myself analysing the subtle changes I was feeling such as increased tiredness. I also started fretting a little about the fact I didn’t feel quite myself, which felt a bit strange having spent so many years of my life trying to feel normal and hormonally balanced.

Fortunately, I had the motto “do not give in to self-pity” clearly ingrained in my mind. This was soon joined by another one, “suck it up”, which my IVF friend had said me when I started to complain a little to her.  Both these mottos worked a treat, especially the “suck it up” one, because it’s true, if you’ve made the decision to do IVF then you need to suck it up and get on with it. It’s never going to be easy or plain sailing, but its all about the outcome and my friend was right, self pity and feeling sorry for myself was not going to help, I literally had to suck it up and get on with it. 

On day ten I attended the Medical Specialist Group for blood tests and yet another transvaginal ultrasound scan to see how I had responded to the stimulatory injections.  The specialist measured the number and size of the follicles, which he recorded and faxed immediately to Wessex. This scan essentially provided an indication of the number of eggs being produced and gave an idea as to the potential timing of the trigger injection and egg recovery. I also had to have blood test to check the levels of oestrogen in my blood.

At this stage of the treatment there is a risk that you produce very few or no follicles, so that the cycle has to be abandoned.  There is also the risk that you produce over 20 follicles (over stimulation), and again the cycle may have to be abandoned because to continue could prove a risk to health. This is one of the many reasons that IVF can be stressful because at every stage of the process there is the risk that it’s not going to plan and that you may not achieve the outcome through no fault of your own – its not an exact science after all - and the build up to an appointment can make you feel anxious.

Still we were lucky in that everything appeared to be going to plan and Wessex told us that I would now need to attend a scan with them at the clinic in Southampton on day 12, two days away.  We had hoped that this would be the case, so we were prepared to a point - I had already booked the time off from work and now we could book the ferry. We decided we would take the car with us this time as we knew we would need to be in the UK for a few days awaiting egg retrieval and then a further few days until embryo transfer (on the basis the sperm fertilised the eggs).

We had arranged to stay with one of E’s best friends who was living on his own in a lovely house in Surbiton, Surrey at that time.  It was only an hour and half drive away from the clinic, which was fine, and meant that we could experience a home-away-from-home environment and keep our costs down, because ICSI is certainly not cheap.  At that point, February 2013, the treatment, including the initial consultations, screening, testing and now ICSI had cost us £5,885, excluding any travel costs and expenses.  Of course the expense merely adds to the stress of it all!  So we were very indebted and grateful to our friend for putting us up free of charge for the remainder of this treatment cycle.

We left Guernsey on the Thursday teatime and took the overnight boat to Portsmouth. I remember feeling rather excited that it was well and truly happening and that I should be having my final injections the next morning. The injections do begin to get a bit waring to be honest and that’s after only a short time - some IVF treatment plans can be rather lengthy in comparison. Still, I was just hoping that the scan at the clinic would confirm the end of the injecting and we could now get on with the whole egg retrieval process.

Injections aside, we had a whole other focus going on in our lives that evening. E had put his back out. Talk about timing!  Mind you perhaps it’s no surprise really.  IVF is stressful for everyone involved, including partners. Admittedly E does have a weakness in his back having broken it twice, but that aside, I am fairly convinced that it was emotional – the lower back has some connection to us feeling supported and stable, grounded then.  I’m not sure that IVF lends itself to a supported, stable or grounded state of being! Emotional or not, the pain was manifesting physically and E was in quite some pain, not ideal on a 12-hour boat crossing!

We arrived into Portsmouth at 6am the following morning, which was some relief for E – it had been a long night trying to sleep comfortably.  We drove around for a bit before parking in a relatively empty underground carpark, which is where E administered what I hoped would be the final morning injection. It all felt a bit suspicious and seedy being injected in such an environment but needs must. We then had a few hours of waiting ahead of us until my appointment at Wessex where I was due yet another transvaginal ultrasound scan so the consultant could determine if my eggs were ready for retrieval.

E was now experiencing acute pain and getting himself a little anxious about it.  I was sympathetic but also found it rather fascinating that the closer we got to potential completion of the IVF process, the worse his back was getting! There was inevitably some fear there about the life changing nature of this whole procedure and I began to question whether on some level this is the reason that some women have unsuccessful cycles – the fear of the life changing nature of becoming pregnant and the inner resistance this creates. It’s a complicated one.

E was of course adamant that his back pain was merely physical and with that he was concerned that movement was making it worse.  He was getting shooting pain down his left leg and was worried about potential nerve damage.  We discussed our options and E decided that he wanted to go to Southampton General A&E to see a doctor and get peace of mind – and some painkillers – if nothing else.

I can’t say this was an ideal way to spend the time we had before the Wessex appointment but I guess it saved us driving around aimlessly killing time.  Instead we sat around aimlessly killing time!  It may have been early in the morning but the A&E department was already busy and triage certainly didn’t consider E a high priority.  On the one hand this was good as it merely served to confirm my belief that much of the pain was emotional, but it also meant that I had to go to Wessex on my own, and have my first scan without E being there with me.

It was clearly the day for challenges.  The female consultant who undertook the scan decided that my eggs were not quite ready for collection, they needed a few more days to mature further.  My heart sank and I had to really hold back the tears. I didn’t want to think that the eggs weren’t developing properly. I also really didn’t want any more drugs injected into my body. I was done with them. Still, I had little control over this and the consultant prescribed another dose of the medication costing me £84. One starts to get a little flippant about the cost, merely handing over one’s debit card and hoping for the best!

E was waiting for me by the time I made it back to the hospital. The doctor had undertaken some tests and concluded that his back wasn’t bad enough to warrant any additional treatment. He was sent on his way with a prescription for some strong painkillers instead. E seemed calmer now he’d seen a doctor and I guess I was also calmer now I’d seen the consultant. While taking additional drugs was not ideal, it was just one of those things and a reminder that IVF is not an exact science and everyone responds to the drugs differently. Funny that we should both now be on drugs!

From Southampton we drove straight up to Surbiton, an hour and a half away, and settled ourselves into our friend’s welcoming home. Aside from the familiarity, I also enjoyed the fact there was no Wi-Fi in the house at that time.  While this does take some getting used to if you are used to frequently going online, it is actually incredibly refreshing. I felt like I could properly retreat from the world and focus on me! This may sound self-indulgent, but I believe there is necessity to this when undertaking IVF. I joked, however, that E was determined it wasn’t all about me, because his back was making it a little all about him too!

All this self-indulgence meant I spent my evenings enjoying a relaxing bath and watching Downton Abbey in bed on my laptop while channelling Reiki onto my tummy.  I practiced a lot of Reiki on myself during this period, I was keen to energise the growing eggs with as much energy as possible to ensure that they were as healthy as possible.  Not only that but Reiki is healing and relaxing by its very nature so I was able to use it to help to heal the bruising from the injections and ease myself to sleep.

The next morning, Saturday, E administered the last Cetrotide antagonist injection, hoorah! I celebrated that afternoon with a yoga class with Aram Raffy at TriYoga in Chelsea.  I had discovered Aram a few months previously and loved his active vinyasa style of teaching. I find this style really helps me to get out of my head and into my body. Aram is a popular teacher and I enjoyed being in a busy class with all that group energy. It was just what I needed at the time and I was buzzing for a good while afterwards – the joy of yoga!

Back at the house in Surbiton and later that evening, 10.30pm to be exact, E injected me with the final injection of this IVF cycle, called Ovitrelle. This synthetic hormone helps to trigger the release of the eggs by the ovaries (ovulation) and stimulates the final maturation of eggs during the IVF cycle.  Hoorah! This meant I was done with the injections and that much closer to the outcome.  I cannot tell you the sense of relief I felt and the joy that followed. No more injections!

I was fortunate though in that I didn’t experience too many side effects, or at least, I didn’t allow myself to succumb to them. As I’ve previously mentioned fertility drugs stimulate the production of follicles in the ovaries and the production of the hormone oestrogen. High levels of oestrogen can cause side effects including breast tenderness, headaches, tiredness and vaginal discharge.

Also, when the ovaries are distended with follicles, abdominal discomfort may result from the stretching of the wall of the ovary. I don’t know whether it was the acupuncture, or the Reiki, or the yoga, or the Arnica, but I didn’t feel any pain. Yes, I knew something was going on, but I didn’t experience any discomfort as such, just irritation at having to have injections each day! But here I was now, injections over and almost there, only another day to go, without any medication (hoorah!) and then we were due at Wessex for egg retrieval.

On the day off from medication – the Sunday – I chanced upon a workshop at TriYoga in Chelsea with Steward Gilchrist.  I knew nothing about Stewart when I booked the session, but I quickly discovered that he is indeed a rare gem and is a Scottish version of my initial yoga teacher, Lance, an inspiring Australian. The session was all on balance, which was definitely a happy coincidence as I needed all the balancing I could get ahead of egg retrieval the next day.

The class was super busy and super active and absolutely perfect for my needs in that moment. I thought of nothing else but how I was placing my body on the mat and how I was breathing. I would highly recommend this approach to preparing for egg retrieval. I felt cleansed of the residue from the drugs.   I also felt that I had done what I could to energise my eggs with as much prana and light vibrational energy as possible.  I was hoping that now those eggs would be shining brightly and would go on to form beautiful embryos full of life. I certainly felt like I’d given it my best shot, and now it was just a matter of getting on with the next stage of the IVF cycle.

The IVF Journey Part 2 - The Clinic and Testing

Our appointment to attend Wessex clinic in Southampton for the procedure that would, one way or another, determine our future, was booked for mid-January. It was exciting and I couldn’t wait to just get on with it now.  I was still feeling positive and had begun the New Year completely focused and intent on a successful process so 2013 was – as far as I was concerned – all about faith, trust, fertility and getting pregnant.

Living on Guernsey, where fog is always an issue, we flew out to Southampton the evening before the appointment to ensure that we wouldn’t miss our booking. At the time E was a member of the Best Western, so we booked ourselves into the Chilworth Manor House in Southampton, which turned out to be a bit of a gem and I would highly recommend to others who have to go to Wessex. 

We didn’t get there until late in the evening, and while the hotel itself is a little quirky in lay-out, it wasn’t until the morning that we got to see that the gardens are something else. It may sound silly but the opportunity to calm ourselves in nature was well received, because despite our best efforts, we were both feeling a little anxious.  So after E had eaten breakfast and I’d taken that time to practice yoga on my mat instead, we ventured out into the grounds of the hotel and did exactly what we needed, grounded ourselves a little.

The hotel is located within 12 acres of beautifully landscaped grounds and right next door to a conservation area. It’s truly stunning. I will always remember our wanderings that morning. It was one of those bright, crisp and very cold winter days.  The ground was frozen hard, there was a layer of thin ice on the pond and our breath smoked in the air. It was ever so quiet and peaceful, just us and the odd dog walker, and the sound of our feet crunching across the hard and icy earth.

We came upon a collection of tall Cypresses trees, which had been planted in a circle and created what looked like a sacred site within.  We later discovered that this was a deer circle used to herd the deer, but to me it seemed more appropriate as a ceremonial area and clearly others felt the same as there was evidence of a fire in the middle.  I was rather uplifted by our find and took myself right to the centre to feel its beautiful central energy for some ritual yoga and prayer; I could almost feel the eyes of the wood sprites upon us as we walked away!

Back towards the Manor House itself we came across a very old Cedar tree with an absolutely enormous trunk.  It’s understood that the tree is approximately 420 years old, which is some age, apparently the oldest tree in the UK.  Well this was a bonus for us, there’s nothing quite as grounding as hugging a tree and especially not one that is that many years old – wow.  Can you imagine the changes that tree has seen, and all the time its just stood there doing its thing – incredible!  You can learn a lot by spending time with the trees and it made me consider that we too just have to do our thing wherever it leads.

We took a taxi to the clinic and were surprised to find it a little incongruous, set in a residential area and back from the road a little, with no evidence from the outside that it is a fertility clinic as such.  It made me realise that there still is – or was at that point in time – such stigma about fertility and fertility clinics and yet to me, it just seemed to be something you did if you couldn’t conceive naturally, no big deal.

Still, I have a dear friend who had gone through IVF to conceive her first born and was very keen that no one knew that she and her partner had had to have IVF and so they tried to keep it a secret for fear of what others may think. I’d never really understood this myself, because I’d never really seen it as an issue. However, seeing the clinic building made me consider that maybe I was the one who had got it wrong, perhaps there was a need to be secretive about this way of bringing new life into the world and perhaps I would encounter negativity if I mentioned it to others. 

There again, it crossed my mind that maybe I needed to be the one who didn’t worry about what other people would think, and could help others going through a similar thing and also assist a little in removing some of the stigma that still exists. I don’t feel that it needs to be secretive, there is certainly nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, the outcome is the same regardless of the process so what does it matter? It was certainly too late for us anyhow, we’d told most of our close friends that we were having trouble conceiving naturally and they knew we were meeting with the clinic for further investigations.

Entering the clinic, I noticed that the walls of the entrance hall and either side of the stairs leading up to the reception area are covered in photos of babies who have presumably been conceived through IVF at the clinic. I guess it helps to reinforce the reason we were there and I hoped that one day a picture of our own biological baby may also make it on to the walls, as proof that it really does work, IVF that is, and that it is possible for dreams to come true!

The staff at the clinic were very friendly and welcoming and we took our seats to wait for the appointment. It is only a small clinic, or at least it was back then (not that I have a comparison) and the small waiting area was filled with a few other anxious looking faces. It was strange to think that we were all there for one common goal, to conceive, and yet presumably all of us having some different complication that was preventing this from happening naturally. It gave me a sense that fertility issues are more common than I may have previously realised, and that we were certainly not alone in our quest for conception.

There was a part of me that couldn’t believe that we were here.  It was all so new to us at that point, a whole other world that we needed to learn about. I’ll never forget working with a Reiki client a few years earlier who was having trouble conceiving and was undertaking IVF.  That was my first real exposure to anyone having IVF and I remember it as if it was yesterday as something about it made me take note, not least because it was even more secretive back in the day, but because I really felt that the Reiki would help her conceive, but also because it seemed so stressful for her and now here I was going through the same process myself – its funny how the Universe leaves signs along the way.

IVF itself stands for in vitro fertilisation: in vitro means “in glass”. Essentially it involves an egg being fertilised in a Petri dish in a laboratory under very carefully controlled conditions. It’s quite amazing that science allows scientists to do this - and that’s said by someone who has never really been interested in science per se. I know not everyone agrees with this process, and perhaps that’s the reason some people are secretive about going through IVF, but it’s a miracle of science really.

I remember reading a book about gentle mothering, in fact it could very well have been entitled that, and in it the ‘spiritual’ author suggested that if you found out that you could not conceive naturally, then perhaps that was the Universe’s way of saying that you are not meant to conceive in the first place and instead you should try and reach some level of acceptance and either look at adopting or finding a child-free path instead.  She was very anti-IVF and made it sound like it was the work of the Devil, simply because it wasn’t a natural approach to conception and thus had no spiritual element to it.

The author’s comments touched a nerve because I suspect in the earlier stages of my spiritual journey, I too had probably felt that science lacked the spirit.  However, my perspective has shifted enormously since those earlier days – the Universe has continuously provided me with situations that have encouraged me to become a little more open minded to science and the value it brings to life, and indeed the fact that the spirit resides in all life, in scientists and in non-scientists too! Now here I was being given the opportunity to learn that IVF can be a spiritual journey – it is all about perspective!

In a woman’s normal and natural cycle, usually only one egg ripens within a growing follicle - an ovarian follicle is a fluid-filled sac that contains an immature egg, during ovulation a mature egg is released from a follicle. The egg is released and, if fertilised in one of the fallopian tubes (penetrated by sperm therefore), it travels to the uterus (womb) where – in theory - it implants and grows into an embryo, which eventually becomes a foetus at week 11 of gestation (9 weeks after fertilisation).

With IVF the aim is to cultivate multiple follicles to harvest many eggs, which are surgically extracted and fertilised with the sperm outside the body. If all goes well, the embryos are transferred into the uterus three days later. Depending on the age of the women, and because it is difficult to predict on day three which embryo is more likely to produce a pregnancy, it is not uncommon to have two embryos transferred in the hope that at least one will result in a live birth.  The downside (depending on your perspective) is the risk of multiple birth, which brings with it its own risks in terms of complications during pregnancy and the emotional and financial demands this can place on couples.

For some couples there is also the option of blastocyst transfer. A blastocyst is a highly developed embryo that has divided many times to a point where it is nearly ready to implant on the walls of the uterus. A blastocyst has come a long way from its beginning as a single cell. During maturation, an embryo rests inside a protective shell called a zona pellucid. You can think of this protective shell as being like a chicken egg, only that, unlike chicken eggs, the human embryo does not remain within a shell.  Instead, the embryo hatches (breaks out of the shell) on the fifth or sixth day so that it can attach to the uterine wall (implantation). Just prior to hatching, an embryo becomes a blastocyst.

It is known that embryos developing to the critical blastocyst stage have a much greater chance of implanting successfully and resulting in an ongoing pregnancy. This is because these embryos have passed an important test.  During the first few days, the embryo relies on the mother’s egg for all its nutrients. However, in order to survive beyond day three or four, the embryo must activate its own genes.  Not all embryos are successful. Those that are successful are understood to be more highly-developed, healthier and stronger and have a higher implantation rate when compared to day three embryos.

It perhaps goes without saying that the ability to develop embryos to blastocyst stage allows clinicians to have greater certainty about which embryos are more likely to implant. Still, blastocyst grading standards are still under development and it is difficult to accurately predict which blastocysts are destined for success. That said, if clinicians have the opportunity to allow embryos to develop into blastocysts before being transferred back into the uterus, then this is the preferred option.

Regardless of the science to it all, I was also well aware from my holistic research that you can have perfectly healthy blastocysts, but your uterus may not provide the ideal environment for them to grow - it could be too acidic for example, or the uterine lining not as thick as it is meant to be thus preventing implantation.  In short there is absolutely no guarantee with IVF that the process will result in an ongoing pregnancy – it is absolutely not an exact science!

Furthermore, IVF is a highly technical procedure and I was only too well aware of the huge demands that the IVF drugs places on the body. I don’t like to take pharmaceutical drugs at the best of times, and now here I was hoping to be given the go ahead to start IVF and be prescribed huge dosages of them to supress my natural cycle, so that my body could be manipulated to stimulate ovulation and grow as many follicles as possible. A delicate hormonal balance would then be maintained artificially to allow the eggs to ripen but prevent ovulation from occurring before the clinic has a chance to retrieve the eggs. All of this controlled by high-dosage pharmaceutical drugs with serious side-effects.

The thing is, side-effects or not, when that is your only option to conceive, well you overlook all the stuff that would ordinarily have you saying, “no, no, no”.  It’s not ideal but I was very aware that there wasn’t a holistic path available to us, no amount of Ayurvedic herbs or Chinese medicine, let alone Bach Floral or Homeopathic remedies were going to help us to conceive. That’s not to say that they wouldn’t compliment the IVF process, but they alone were not going to create a baby. If they could however, well I would have chosen that option first, I don’t feel that anyone should put their body, mind and soul through IVF until they have exhausted all other more natural options!

Still at that point we weren’t entirely sure that we could conceive through IVF either and this was the reason we were here at Wessex in the first place. Our earlier test results in Guernsey had implied that we didn’t have between us what was needed to conceive our own biological baby. However, our consultant was fairly confident that with some further testing – invasive testing at that - they could find what was needed, so here we were for that invasive testing.

The testing was focused on E at this particular appointment, and I shall never forget the moment that our friendly consultant joined me later on that morning in the then-empty waiting room.  She excitedly told me that the good news, that the results of the testing were positive and that while a medical condition would prevent us from conceiving naturally, there was every chance that we could conceive a biological child through IVF. I could have jumped with joy, what a relief; instead I went outside and telephoned my parents and duly burst into tears conveying the good news!

I think often people forget that there are two people involved in conception, at least in terms of requiring both healthy sperm and healthy eggs and when IVF is mentioned, people tend to presume it’s because the woman has fertility issues.  Studies indicate that in the UK, infertility affects at least 20-25% of couples who are of reproductive age. This means that 1 in 5 couples you know will be affected by some degree of infertility. Of the couples having IVF treatment, 50% will be due to male infertility and 50% due to female infertility.

These are interesting statistics and I have become aware that male infertility is often another reason that couples keep their IVF journey a secret. I guess its more of an issue to men from an ego perspective than it is to women to have to admit that they are unable to impregnate their partner naturally. Furthermore, the infertile man may often feels a lot of guilt that their healthy partner has to pump herself full of strong pharmaceutical drugs and go through the stress of IVF to fulfil her dream of becoming a mother when there is actually nothing wrong with her fertility wise.

E and I have certainly gone through our own angst with this and while from an IVF perspective we present as an infertile couple, we are fortunate that the sperm provided by E were good quality. From my side while tests suggested that I was ovulating, we wouldn’t know until we began the IVF treatment whether my eggs would be of a sufficient quality to create a baby. Only time would tell.

Sitting in the waiting room awaiting E, I reflected on the irony of our plight.  I had spent years and an awful lot of time and indeed money trying to balance my hormones naturally.  At the age of 17 I had developed an eating disorder which had caused my periods to stop for a few months and ever since then I had struggled a little with PMS, which became much more intense during my twenties and led to bouts of all consuming depression.  It was PMS and the depression (and running the London marathon and the detrimental effect this had on my body) that led me to yoga and Reiki in the first place back in 2003.

I have worked with both yoga, Reiki intensely and extensively over the years, so too Ayurveda, homeopathy and other complimentary therapies, to help to heal the root cause of the hormonal imbalance naturally. I haven’t suffered with PMS or the bouts of all consuming depression for a good few years as a result of this healing work.  And now here I was about to pump my body full of very strong and very high dosages of pharmaceutical drugs, to control and manipulate my hormonal balance so that I could conceive new life in a test tube in a very clinical environment.  It certainly wasn’t the stuff of dreams.

However, despite the nature of IVF, I was still feeling very positive and extremely excited about the fact we now had the opportunity to try it.  I believe when you’ve had to consider that this may not happen, it’s just a relief to know that there is a way, a possibility, some solidity or grounding then, to the hope that you’ve been feeling.  I recognise that I am lucky and I need to make that point, because I know other couples, friends, family and students who have not been so lucky, who cannot, even with the help of IVF, conceive naturally (at least not their own biological child) and I appreciate that that can be a heart-breaking reality.

While I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, I do struggle a bit with understanding why some people are able to procreate and others do not have that opportunity physiologically.  Accepting that you cannot have your own biological children must be tough. I don’t know what we would have done if we had found ourselves faced with that reality – just it even being a possibility was enough to challenge me. I have seen those who cannot conceive go on to adopt or take donor eggs/sperm, and others decide to take a different path in life and immerse themselves in their pets or nieces/nephews instead.  

I have seen others become angry and bitter so that they cannot bring themselves to communicate with those who have children or who have managed successful IVF cycles. I guess we each have our own way of dealing with what life throws at us; some manage to find some peace and others struggle to find the level of acceptance required to experience this. I have a huge amount of respect for people who have to go through this and cannot imagine the strain it places on relationships, let alone on one’s faith.

For me, my faith was strengthened as the consultant told me that we were good to start the treatment when we were ready and that this would involve using ICSI (Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection). In conventional IVF at least 100,000 sperm must be placed with each egg to have a realistic chance of achieving fertilisation. ICSI treatment involves the injection of a single sperm directly into each egg, which is really rather incredible when you think about it.  The treatment leading up to and after ICSI is identical to the conventional IVF cycle.

I was keen to get going with the treatment as soon as possible and the clinic were happy for me to start on my next cycle in February.  This felt right somehow, not least because it was the earliest we could begin and I am impatient, but more so because it was the beginning of Spring and from my perspective this was important energetically. Spring is all about new beginnings as nature begins to awaken again from her winter sleep and new life arrives daily so that you can feel the lighter vibrancy of this ‘new life’ energy in the air.

Even Zita West in her fabulous book, “Fertility & Conception” writes, “In my experience, IVF seems to work better in spring and summer, the time for growth and renewal within the natural cycle. In autumn and winter nature is dormant and the body needs rest and sleep rather than action. If time is on your side and you have the choice, opt to begin treatment in spring rather than winter”. So I guess there must be something in it; intuitively it just felt right for us regardless.

I knew it was essential to prepare for IVF to give the process the best possible chance of success and I had been doing this already but now it was time to up the stakes so to speak. I was also aware that it was vitally important to maintain the positivity and to believe in the IVF process. It may not be ideal, it was certainly not the way I had imagined or indeed dreamt of conceiving but it was a way and I was very aware that I needed to seek out any resistance I had to this and let it go if I was going to stand a chance of getting pregnant. 

Sadly, I have witnessed this resistance resulting in repeated failed IVF cycles for some couples.  It comes back to one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given in terms of IVF and it was given to me by a good friend who has successfully conceived through IVF.  She told me that under no circumstances was I to ever give into self-pity during the IVF process. I have found this to be incredibly true, because the moment the self-pity sneaks in, the more you give your power away and lose your focus on the outcome.

This is not to say that self-pity did not sneak in, or at least the opportunity to recognise it appeared. Despite all my positivity and excitement, a week after returning to Guernsey from our Wessex appointment, I had a bit of a down moment. I had to go to MSG here in Guernsey to meet with a local nurse to pick up my prescription for the drugs, run through the treatment schedule and be shown how to inject myself.  It was while she was demonstrating the two different ways in which you inject yourself with the medication that I had been prescribed that I burst into tears. 

I had done so well up until then and had managed to remain fairly level headed, but all of a sudden the reality dawned on me that I was really going to do this, I was going to consciously inject myself with incredibly strong pharmaceutical drugs. I know it sounds silly, because I knew this was the only way I would achieve the outcome I desired, and I thought I was ok with it, but all of a sudden I wasn’t ok with it after all. I was only too well aware that some of the prescribed medication has side effects as serious as recognised links to uterine, breast and ovarian cancer – not ideal that you are consciously injecting that risk into your own body!

As a result, I found myself questioning what I was doing. However, I knew that I had little choice if I wanted to conceive and with that, I was a little saddened at the seeming injustice of it all and the self-pity crept in.  How come it was so easy for so many of my friends and family members to conceive naturally, and why was it so difficult for E and I?  What was the Universe playing at?  It all just seemed so unfair.  I was going to have to do the very thing I had spent years standing against (here was the lesson, right?!), not least the pumping of my body with drugs but also accepting allopathic care and allowing my body to be viewed as just that, without much of a heart or soul, just another statistic, another woman who needs intervention to conceive.  I was heart broken really.

The nurse was very kind and softened the blow as best she could.  The trouble is there is a degree of pity involved in this whole sorry process because IVF is absolutely not an exact science and as a nurse said to me years later, it’s a little bit like taking a roll of the dice. You can do all you are told to do by the clinic but this still may not result in a successful pregnancy and as such you are often pitied. However, I suppose it was this bit, this little flaw in the science of it all (in that it wasn’t an exact science) that gave me a reason to bring my heart and soul into the process, and helped to strengthen my faith.

Here was my chance to truly tap into my spiritual approach to life, and also to the complimentary world, which is called that for good reason as it compliments allopathic care and healing. So in many respects I began to see IVF as another mission, a little like healing from depression, or the eating disorder, and all the other physical, mental and emotional challenges life has presented to me. And believe you me, IVF demands of you not just physically but most definitely emotionally and mentally. And for many, whether they realise it or not, it has a potentially huge spiritual element to it too.

I guess it was in that moment, in tears with the nurse at MSG, that I came to recognise what my friend meant when she had told me not to buy into self-pity.  And it was in that moment that I resolved to let go of any resistance I had to the IVF process, to the drugs and the allopathic care and all the stuff I don’t usually invite into my life, and just surrender to it.  While IVF was not on my list of ways one connects more deeply to spirit, I was coming to recognise that in doing IVF, one has the opportunity to connect more deeply to spirit in the lessons it provides – and the ability to surrender (and therefore let go of the way you believe things should be) is a huge lesson in this.

I decided that while I would read about the drugs on the patient information sheets provided by the clinic on the risks associated with the drug treatment, I would not research them in depth on the internet.  Nor would I be consumed by the side effects, other than just recognising what I needed to look out for in case I had an adverse reaction to them.  I would simply trust that the Universe had my back so to speak and do what needed to be done from a place of love rather than fear. This in itself, I was realising, is a huge lesson too.

I also felt it important to have some understanding of what they were meant to be doing to me, in terms of being able to feel and recognise this in my body - for example were they shutting my system down or stimulating it.  I am well aware that the mind plays a pivotal roll in the workings of our body so the more I could do mentally to support the process the better.  I felt that if I was resistant to the drugs mentally, then there was a chance that the drugs would not work as effectively as if I just embraced them and allowed them to do what they needed to do to achieve the intended outcome.

After seeing the nurse, I only had a week or so to wait until I was due to begin the treatment in earnest so I tried to settle into my zone. I was already practicing yoga and meditating daily, and doing Yoga Nidra where I could, just that now I tried to incorporate an 18-minute version of this healing and relaxation technique into my daily schedule and I started working with a new Sankalpa (resolution).

For me now, it wasn’t so much about getting pregnant (although of course this was still my intended outcome) but more so about producing quality healthy eggs. I was determined to live, breathe and visualise healthy eggs! Without healthy eggs then there was little chance of me getting pregnant, so this seemed an important stage in the process and to me it was all about stages and dealing with each in turn. Thus my Sankalpa now was, “I produce good quality and healthy eggs”.

A woman is born with all of the eggs she will ever possess and egg health is understood to be the corner stone to fertility and thus they need to be nourished to be able to mature, ovulate, fertilise, implant and result in a baby. Evidently the amount and quality of the eggs are genetically determined and reduce over the years, although the environment that the eggs are growing in can be affected by lifestyle factors just like any other cell in the body.

The egg cell is the largest significant human cell in the body and is just visible to the naked eye. It is also the roundest cell, and therefore has the largest volume in relation to its surface. Sperm cells are the smallest of significant human cells and are the straightest cells. Egg cell and sperm are each other’s opposite, large versus small, round versus straight, cytoplasm versus nucleus.

The differences between sperm cells and egg cells are great, yet at the same time opposites attract and they belong together if we perceive the ovum as a sphere and the straight sperm as the corresponding radius.  It’s the coming together of the universal male, positive, yang energy and the universal female, yin energy. The male energy from the heavens and the female energy from the earth, or at least symbolically!

An egg lives for up to 24 hours, which is a short time frame, and it needs to be as healthy as it can be during this time. Furthermore, the right hormones are required in the right amount at the right time during the menstrual cycle to grow, mature and ovulate an egg. During IVF the hormonal levels are manipulated with synthetic drugs to increase the chances of a woman growing, maturing and ovulating at least one good quality egg. There is much we can do to assist this process and increase the chances of good egg health including:

·      Reducing sugar consumption;

·      Eating a diet rich in antioxidants to neutralise free radicals (which damage cells);

·      Ensuring adequate levels of B vitamins, zinc, Omega 3 and Essential Fatty Acids;

·      Eating a healthy diet and avoiding foods contained within cans or packaged in plastic (which contain toxins and affect egg health);

·      Maintaining a healthy weight;

·      Drinking plenty of water;

·      Ensuring adequate sleep and rest;

·      Taking adequate exercise especially yoga and walking;

·      Reducing stress levels;

·      Eliminating activities and people who exhaust and take from you; and

·      Making positive lifestyle choices.

Also, a number of studies have been conducted that have found a positive link between acupuncture and successful IVF cycles for some people. It is possible that this is due to the fact that acupuncture can help to increase blood flow to the pelvic area and the ovaries, and if the blood flow is good, then more nutrients are able to get through and increase the health of eggs. In addition, acupuncture may promote a sense of relaxation and positive thinking which can improve a person’s overall sense of wellbeing and increase the chances of pregnancy.

I had already been receiving regular acupuncture and certainly felt a benefit in my general sense of wellbeing and energy levels, so I increased these sessions to weekly and made them the main focus of my complimentary work. I had also been receiving regular Reiki, reflexology and massage in the lead up to the IVF and increased the frequency of these to help balance, ground and relax me, and increase my general sense of wellbeing and mental stability. I was fortunate, I should add, in being able to swap many of the holistic sessions (which were given by friends) in exchange for yoga classes with me.

Also, I was well aware that it was vitally important for me to maintain positive thinking and with that mental balance and clarity. Positive thinking is essentially a mental attitude in which you expect good and favourable results – it is a process of only allowing thoughts that create and transform energy into a positive reality.  This works on the understanding that we manifest situations, events and conditions in our lives based on the thoughts we are thinking; thus the more positive the thought, the more positive the situation created in one’s life.

Therefore, I tried to pay attention to my thinking and notice when I was slipping into either negative thinking or self-pity and with that I would try (try, try) to let the negative thoughts go and focus on being more positive instead. It is not necessarily an easy process but it can be very interesting as you start to recognise habitual thinking patterns and negative tendencies. It becomes easier with practice and with this new found awareness one realises that we are the creators of our own destiny depending upon the nature of our thinking.

It is my experience that positive thinking can be further helped by visualisation and in particular vision boards. Basically a vision board involves you putting together a sheet of photos or images of whatever it is you would like to attract into your life.  For example, if you would like to become pregnant and have a healthy baby, then you may stick images on your vision board of you with a pregnant tummy and you holding a healthy baby – you may need to do some cut and pasting! 

It is important that there is an image of you somewhere on the vision board so that there is a link between the images and you. It is also important that you feel what it would be like to manifest your intentions (images) in your life – or at least how you imagine you would feel! Vision boards have always been very powerful for me in terms of being clear visually about what I would like to attract into my life and the positive feelings attached to the images (and the ability to manifest accordingly).

Once you’ve finished your vision board, you should put it somewhere you may see it regularly so that you can remind yourself what it is you are trying to manifest in your life. The process of putting a vision board together may also help you to recognise any unconscious resistance you may be harbouring and which may unintentionally block the IVF/conception process. Such resistance may include you feeling that you don’t deserve to get pregnant and fulfil a dream, or that you are unworthy of bringing new life into the world.

Through my healing work I’ve also noticed that some ladies have unconscious resistance as a result of their upbringing. For some they may have had a difficult relationship with their mother so that they worry whether they can be good mother themselves, or they are so busy mothering other family members that they don’t have the energy necessary to focus on being a mother and creating a family of their own.

Others are bitter about something that has happened to them in their childhood and carry the victim and blame mentality into adulthood. Unconsciously they create some internal resistance to happiness - if having a baby would make them happy, then on some level they resist this, so they can continue to play out the victim role and blame others for their continued unhappiness rather than taking personal responsibility. Healing work is often required to address these deep seated issues so that the individual can forgive and move on.

Another thing that really helped me with the visualisation was placing a statue of a family – man with arm around woman, holding a baby in her arms – on my altar and practising yoga, meditating and praying in front of it. I found this really helpful in being absolutely clear about what it was I was trying to bring into my life and seeing it daily.  It was the same with the fertility bracelet that I bought a good 6 months before we began the IVF process and wore daily. This contained rose quartz, pearls and rhodonite - all crystals which help to promote fertility and which I hoped would put out a clear message to the Universe!

There were lots of other things I did to prepare myself for the IVF and you can read about these on the self-help page on my website under “fertility issues”. This meant that by the time it came around to beginning the treatment, I felt that I had done all that I could to prepare myself and now it was a matter of getting on with it. For the first time in a good 18 months my period could not have come soon enough, I positively welcomed it as it brought with it a new stage on the journey to conceive and with that the beginning of the IVF Antagonist cycle.

The IVF Journey Part 1 - The Very Beginning

It was one of those moments that will be forever etched in my mind and on my memory, one of those moments when time stands still and life suspends.

Here we were, E and I being told by the specialist that we may not be able to have children of our own.

Not have children of our own.

Not have my own children.

The words went around in my head as I tried to process them.

I had yearned to have my own children for as long as I could remember. It was a lifelong dream.  And now here I was, sitting in the specialist’s office in Guernsey, being told that that dream may never become a reality.  No part of this dream had come easily to me so perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised; I knew something wasn’t right, but hearing those words, well they’re not really words that you want to hear.

Needless to say the rest of the appointment drifted over me; there was talk of donors and adoption, and of more tests so that there was still some hope. The specialist was relatively upbeat and joked about the advert from one of the main supermarket chains in the UK, saying that we too should embrace the concept of “every little helps” as he patted his bum as they do in the advert.  I’ll never forget that, not least because he was trying to be positive, but because it’s true, and it has stuck in my mind ever since.

The moment I reached the car I burst into tears. It wasn’t so much that I was thinking (at that moment) that we really wouldn’t have children of our own, just the reality that it was not going to be like I had imagined. I’m a spiritual being and I had in my mind the conscious spiritual conception with rose petals and gentle music – well ok perhaps not the rose petals, but you know what I mean!  Furthermore, I’d been preparing my body for months and months, and yet that was not enough.

It was ironic really because actually it hadn’t just taken months and months, it had taken years and years. That’s years and years of me searching the world to find the man with whom I may want to have children (only to find him right under my nose here in Guernsey) and a few more up and down years with him to get to a point where we both accepted we were ready to settle down and commit, and another year before he finally agreed to the idea of having a child. And now here we were, a further year down the line, being told that we may not be able to have one after all.

If I’m honest I knew that something was amiss. I’m fairly in touch with my body, in fact it was hormonal imbalance and resulting depression that initially got me into yoga and Reiki and which helped me to connect more deeply with my body and with its wisdom.  Over the years I have done a lot of work on myself, on all levels really, to try to heal the root cause of the hormonal imbalance and the depression which had plagued me on and off for most of my late teens and twenties.

So I had some understanding of my body and I had worked with a hormone specialist to balance my hormones and more recently with an Ayurvedic doctor to enhance my fertility naturally, so when I didn’t fall pregnant I knew something was wrong, albeit I didn’t know what it was at the time. I was intimately aware of my cycle, of its connection with the moon and the manner in which my mood and energy levels changed throughout the month. I was aware therefore – or so I thought – of when I was ovulating and when we should attempt to conceive.

But sadly it didn’t work and the arrival of my monthly period was a source of great sadness and disappointment, marking yet another month of being that one month further away from fulfilling my dream of being a mother. As one month became three months, became six months, became nine months, well it became soul destroying because you start questioning what you are doing wrong.  And the whole time your friends are getting pregnant and you try your best to be happy for them but it just eats you up on the inside and then the fear kicks in so you question whether you’ll ever get pregnant in the end.

It’s poignant really because so many of us women spend some part of our lives trying not to get pregnant so that when you do want to get pregnant, well you assume it will just happen fairly painlessly and when it doesn’t, well it’s a kick in the teeth really. And try as you might to keep the conception as conscious and as special as possible, well truthfully it becomes a bit mechanical, something that you have to do to try and achieve an outcome. Over time it becomes emotionally charged too because you become demanding of your partner, and they feel a pressure to perform. It certainly wasn’t a highlight in our lives, that’s for sure!

So we kept trying for a year, because that is what you are encouraged to do before you seek medical advice, but it felt like an awfully long time and I was desperate for some help.  It was June, just before my birthday, when I finally went to see my doctor and as I explained our predicament to her, I burst into tears at the frustration of it all.  She was incredibly understanding and wasted no time in getting us into ‘the system’.  There were initial tests which both of us had to undertake, to try to gain an initial understanding of what may be amiss and in the interim we were encouraged to chill out and practice!

Sadly, those initial test results indicated that we had a significant problem in our ability to conceive, so we were immediately referred onto the Medical Specialist Group (“MSG”) here in Guernsey. It wasn’t until August, a few months later, when we finally had our first appointment – time takes on a new urgency when you are trying to conceive and the months tick by waiting for appointments! We were assigned to Mr Nzewi, who was new to Guernsey at the time and very passionate about access to fertility treatment, which is not available directly on the Island.

It was at this appointment, as he looked at our results, that he shared the concern that we may never have children of our own. He was very matter of fact about it, because that is what the facts suggested and he mentioned that there may be other options for bringing a child into our life if we were faced with that reality.  But that said, there was a chance that the test results were flawed so he sent us off for repeat tests and in the interim, he advised us to do as much as we could to promote our fertility – healthy eating, exercise, less wine, more rest, the stuff we had been consciously trying to do anyway.

So I tried to remain upbeat and fortunately it was the summer so we were kept busy with all that entails. However, all the worry did finally get the better of me – and I know, I know, worrying is a complete waste of energy as it changes nothing, but it can be difficult not to worry sometimes! At the end of August, we joined friends at a house in France for a weekend of birthday celebrations and on that first night, sat out on the lawn in the late afternoon sun, I drank far too much sparkling wine (so much for moderation!) and got very upset and told our friends what was going on, which was almost a relief really, because it gets to you keeping it all bottled up inside.

You see the thing is I have had my fair share of challenges in life – that’s what makes life life – but this was a particularly challenging time for both of us. For me there was an all consuming ache to become a mother and the pressure of the biological clock ticking, and for E, a pressure to help make that a reality. At that point, like quite a lot of other men we know, he could take or leave it, having a child that is, he didn’t have quite the same burning desire as me, he was just following my lead. But for me it was all I could think about.

Needless to say, hangover aside, I felt much better for the release, and in many respects it was good to have the support and understanding of our closest friends who all live off Island and who all have children of their own. They were all really keen for E and I to have children of our own too and were positively jubilant that our relationship had finally made it to that point, and they were all truly positive that one way or another we would make it a reality.

Despite the sadness, and the underlying concern of it all, I too was still doing my best to keep the positivity high. I just had this feeling that this challenge was all part of the process of whatever we both needed to go through, on an individual level and jointly, as part of the big Divine plan. During my whole life, but more so latterly, I had come to recognise that I was being continuously tested in patience, trust and faith, and really this was yet another test in all three. That didn’t necessarily make it any easier, but I did feel supported on a spiritual level at least.

I appreciate that my take on the whole infertility issue may sound a little crazy.  But this is how I have come to view life (when I remember!), from an elevated perspective, with the belief and indeed understanding, experience then, that things happen for a reason, that there is no good or bad per se, and that often these challenges are blessings in disguise because they provide you with an opportunity to grow spiritually and to deepen your connection with the Divine. Time and time again I have been reminded that our dreams (if we truly believe in them) can come true in the end, but rarely in the manner in which we intend.

Something was telling me to trust in the process and that was good enough for me! But that is not to say that this trust wasn’t continuously challenged – that is the nature of lessons, they will return again and again until you have recognised the teaching, and trust has always been a big one for me.  And when I say trust I don’t mean some airy fairy notion of “putting it out there to the Universe” and sitting back and seeing what happens; I believe it needs greater grounding than this, crystal clear intention and taking action - and indeed some responsibility - when necessary, and trying to let go of the worry, fear and the doubt that can cloud the mind and intuition.

Sadly, the second set of test results we received during the first week of September came back identical to the first.  I was expecting this, but it still came as a reality check because it proved that there weren’t any problems with the test data itself per se, it just seemed that we didn’t have what we needed to conceive a baby, simple as that really.  Only that it’s never as simple as that, which in this case was a good thing because advances in science mean that there are now options for those of us who are considered infertile and have trouble conceiving.

There was little that Mr Nzewi could do for us other than refer us to a fertility clinic for further tests.  At that point he was trying to establish a better working relationship between MSG and Wessex Fertility Clinic in Southampton to make it easier for Guernsey patients to undertake fertility treatment. All fertility care in Guernsey is private so his intention was to try and help to reduce, at the very least, travel costs and inconvenience where possible, in respect of needing to go over to the UK simply for a scan or a blood test as part of that treatment. 

Luck was on our side in terms of the timing because we were fortunate to be included in the first handful of patients who received appointments with Wessex on their first trip to MSG so that we didn’t even need to leave the Island for our first consultation. Ironically we were due to be off Island that day so I’m not entirely sure that it was any more cost effective for us, but nonetheless we appreciated the contact in Guernsey and the ease with which this happened for us, albeit not until early October which meant another month of waiting!

The consultant and nurses we saw were just great, both very welcoming, positive and calming. The consultant studied our results, looked at us both and concluded that there was indeed hope, we appeared healthy and looked like we most probably both had what we needed; I guess she must get a feel for this after years of working in the fertility world!  She proposed carrying out a procedure the following January which would seal our fate, well our initial fate, one way or another.  In the interim we were welcomed into the world of fertility treatment and all that that entails, namely a ton of forms and seemingly endless screening tests.

It was pretty full on but we were delighted that we had a chance, not as we had intended of course, but a chance nonetheless – the motto was most definitely, “trust in the process”.  I remember very clearly completing those forms.  I was sitting at a table with E and one of the nurses who was guiding us through them and in one of them it asked us whether I would consent to my eggs and embryos (if created) being used for training purposes, and I remember thinking, “wow, this is real”, and “it’s not something I’d usually do, but I’m so desperate to be helped that anything I can do to help others in the future is worth doing, so yes, yes, yes, tick the boxes, yes”.

Then there were questions about what would happen in the event of your death or mental incapacity and what would happen to your eggs and/or embryos, and for E, what would happen to his sperm, and whether you consent to your partner using them, or them being used for training purposes. We briefly discussed our position but to be honest we were so jubilant to even have this chance, to be talking about us having eggs and sperm and embryos and the like that we were happy to sign away on this too, “yes, yes, yes”.

There were also forms to ascertain the welfare of the child, where you had to disclose whether there is any serious violence or discord within your family environment, whether you have any drug or alcohol problems and whether there are any aspects of your life or medical history which may pose a risk of serious harm to any child you might have or anything which may impair your ability to care for such a child.  In many respects I considered that perhaps everyone should have to compete one of these forms before conceiving a child, not just those having IVF!

Then there was the concept of a multiple birth.  Being 37 at the time it was recommended that we have two embryos implanted at the same time to increase our chances of success. It goes without saying that this would also increase the chances of us having twins and all the risks associated with multiple pregnancy.  Still, I don’t remember us giving this too much thought.  Again we were happy to go with the advice being given to us and we ticked the box, “yes, yes, yes, bring on the twins!! “

To me that kind of summed up the situation.  I never wanted to have fertility treatment – let’s face it who does – but here were Wessex providing some hope and I was willing to do all I could to make that hope a reality. That’s the trouble with hope isn’t it.  I know its frowned upon in some spiritual circles as it has no grounding, no certainty, but hope gives life a reason to be lived and that was good enough for me! The fact we were even considering these options before we knew whether it was even possible was uplifting in some way.

So after seeing the clinic, feeling positive, we had to embark on a number of screening tests including Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C and HIV for each of us and Chlamydia, Rubella antibodies and Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) for just me. As you can appreciate this all gets rather expensive and rather time consuming fitting in all the appointments.  Not only that, but having an HIV test for the first time, for example, is quite full on really so there is some anticipation that comes with these additional screening tests, and some of these, the HIV for example, needing to be repeated annually.

Still it was all part of the process and with all the tests and the paperwork we were given to read we were soon well and truly in the IVF zone and we now had a few months to prepare ourselves physically and – just as importantly – mentally and emotionally for what lay ahead. We were given an information sheet with pre-conceptual diet and lifestyle tips which included the following:

Weight - Ideally you should be as close as possible to the recommended weight for your height when trying for a baby. Apparently being underweight or overweight can reduce your chances of conceiving.

Food - Studies have shown that foods and fertility are linked in both men and women. For that reason you are encouraged to improve your diet three months to a year before conception. The Food Standards Agency recommends eating a variety of foods while trying to conceive including:

·      Fruit and vegetables – aim for at least five portions a day.

·      Carbohydrate foods such as wholegrain rice and bread.

·      Protein such as lean meat and chicken, fish, eggs and pulses.

·      Fish – at least twice a week, including some oily fish, but not more than two portions of oily fish a week.

·      Dairy foods such as milk, cheese and yoghurt.

·      Iron-rich foods such as red meat, pulses, dried fruit, bread, green vegetables and fortified breakfast cereals, to help build up your resources of iron in preparation for pregnancy.

Supplements – Folic acid - this B vitamin has been linked to a lower rate of heart attacks, strokes, cancer and diabetes. It also reduces a baby’s risk of being born with defects to the spinal chord such as spina bifida. Make sure that the supplement you use does not contain Vitamin A or fish liver oil.  In addition, it is good to eat folate-rich foods such as dark green leafy vegetables, citrus fruits, nuts, wholegrains, brown rice, fortified breads and cereals.

For women a supplement for pregnancy before you conceive.  For me, a vitamin preparation containing Selenium Coenzyme Q whilst zinc may be beneficial for sperm health and production.

Alcohol - In terms of alcohol the advice at that time was to drink no more than one or two units of alcohol once or twice a week.

Caffeine - Evidently there is no consistent evidence to link caffeinated drinks to fertility problems however studies have shown that having more than 200mg of caffeine per day may be linked to miscarriage and low birth weight.

To avoid - The Foods Standards Agency also recommends that women who are trying to conceive should also avoid the following:

·      Too much Vitamin A – you need some Vitamin A but too much during pregnancy could harm the baby;

·      Fish containing mercury – high levels of mercury can harm an unborn baby’s developing nervous system.

·      Smoking – cigarette smoke contains harmful substances to eggs, sperm and developing embryos.

Excessive stress – this impacts the way the body functions. Prolonged periods of pre-conceptual stress should try to be avoided to help conception and improve fertility. A hectic, busy lifestyle with little time for relaxation, attention to diet or socialising – a less busy schedule generally promotes more happiness and a greater sense of wellbeing leading to improved pre-conceptual health.

To be honest we were already eating a healthy and balanced diet and we had made a conscious effort to reduce our alcohol intake.  If anything my major issue was stress and a hectic lifestyle.  Ironic really because as a yoga teacher and Reiki practitioner, you’d expect me to have a grip on this, but I am so passionate about yoga and Reiki that I have always kept myself very busy sharing my love of both with others where I can, while also keeping up with the office day job, albeit part-time.

It was at this point that I read Zita West’s marvellous book, “Fertility and Conception” that I recommend to anyone interested in increasing their chances of conceiving whether naturally or with intervention. It really is a fabulous book with lots of useful tips.  And silly as it sounds coming from a yoga teacher, but it was reading this book that encouraged me to re-prioritise my time and incorporate daily meditation and Yoga Nidra into my hectic schedule.

I am absolutely certain that it was these practices that helped me to maintain my sanity during this time and keep myself focused and my spirits high. I began to look forward to my daily sitting, just twenty minutes if I could, but this was more than enough to feel that it made a positive difference; I just felt clearer and calmer too, there is no doubt that my mind was stronger as a result of this, and I felt more level-headed, focused and less emotional somehow.

As for Yoga Nidra, well I have always been a huge fan of this but the IVF made me dig deeper into the practice and I would encourage anyone else with fertility issues to tap into this as I have no doubt that this helped me enormously.  Essentially Yoga Nidra is a powerful meditation technique inducing complete physical, emotional and mental relaxation.   During Yoga Nidra one appears to be asleep but the consciousness is functioning at a deeper level of awareness so that you are prompted throughout the practice to say to yourself mentally, “I shall not sleep, I shall remain awake”.

Before beginning Yoga Nidra you make a Sankalpa, or a resolution for the practice.  The Sankalpa is an important stage of Yoga Nidra as it plants a seed in the mind encouraging healing and transformation in a positive direction.  In practical terms, a Sankalpa is a declarative statement, resolution or intention in which you vow to commit to fulfil a specific goal, in this instance to become pregnant with a healthy baby – “I am pregnant with a healthy baby”.

Sankalpa or resolution holds a special and highly esteemed place in the ancient teachings. The concept of Sankalpa appears even as early as the Rig Veda, the most ancient of all the Vedic texts. The ancient concept of Sankalpa is based on the principle that your mind has measureless capacity to effect the quality and content of your life. As the Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think you become”. That said, it is also important that you feel how it would feel to achieve your Sankalpa so there is some felt-sense, some sensation then, related to it.

Furthermore, a Sankalpa provides you with an opportunity to notice any resistance that may be holding you back in creating/manifesting what you dream in your life.  For example, if you are struggling to conceive and there is no recognised medical reason for this, working with Yoga Nidra may help you to realise any unconscious resistance you may have to getting pregnant or becoming a mother.  You may not initially recognise this consciously, but over time, the unconscious element of this will become conscious (bring it out of the shadows) so that you are able to recognise it, if you see what I mean.

It is very powerful indeed and I cannot recommend this enough for anyone wishing to conceive.  Not least working with a Sankalpa, but also just taking the time out for self-care and to rest – this in itself presents many physiological benefits such as lowering of the heart rate and blood pressure, the release of lactate from the muscles that can cause anxiety and fatigue, a more restful night’s sleep and, ultimately, a calming and unwinding of the nervous system, which is basically the foundation of the body’s wellbeing.  So you see our physical health and sense of wellbeing can improve too, which can only help to support the fertility process.

Needless to say all of this certainly helped me to drop even deeper into my spiritual practice.  I already had a daily mat-based yoga practice, but I carved out more time to make this an absolute priority prior to the meditation and Yoga Nidra. For me daily silence is essential too and I’m fortunate in that I have the space to achieve this at home. So each day I would take to my mat; sometimes I needed to move my body and practice actively and other times I needed to practice more gently, quietly or restoratively.

But what became very important to me during this time was prayer.  Now I’m not religious but as I’ve mentioned I am spiritual, and for me prayer has always been a way to connect more deeply with the Divine and with the angels, and now here, I found it essential to my grounding and wellbeing to commune daily with these aspects of being and self. It made a huge difference to me to align on this level and feel even more supported by the Universe, (however you define that), and therefore deepen my trust and indeed faith in the process and wherever it was leading us.

There were other things that I tapped into including She Oak, which is one of the Australian Bush Flower Essences that is very beneficial in overcoming imbalances and bringing about a sense of wellbeing in females. It is said to benefit women who feel distressed about infertility and it helps therefore to remove personal blocks that prevent conception. For me this was essential, doing what I could to ensure that I was ready and receptive on all levels, making sure that I had addressed all aspects of my being, not simply the physical, but the mental, emotional and spiritual too.

I also started Acupuncture.  I had heard that while there is no scientific evidence to support the link, there does appear to be some correlation between acupuncture and successful IVF.  If nothing else it enabled me to take time out of my schedule to lie down and chill out, although I did notice a positive uplift in my energy levels after each session.  I complimented this a little with Reiki, massage and reflexology, fortunate as I was to be able to swap this for yoga and Reiki with friends.

Treatments and spiritual practice aside, life carried on much as usual the rest of that Autumn. I kept myself busy with a combination of my existing yoga teaching and Reiki channelling schedule, and the office job. At that time the company I worked for was being sold to a larger company in the UK and as company secretary this meant many more hours in the office than usual – a welcome distraction from our fertility issues and helped me to earn extra money to be able to pay for the treatment (more on that later!).

Before too long it was Christmas and we decided to make the most of this as we were quite certain – positivity and all – that this would be our last Christmas just the two of us.  We decided that we would enjoy ourselves and have lots of fun.  We even took ourselves away for a night of partying in London, to kind of get it out of our system, knowing that from 1 January it was absolutely all about IVF and conceiving and we were feeling really focused in that 2013 would be our year.  It was just a waiting game really until the next round of tests in late January.