Merry Christmas!!
Merry Christmas to everyone. We hope you have a safe, happy and healthy Christmas.
xx
Stillness
I am absolutely loving being a Mummy, but how quickly the time is flying by. Elijah will be 4 weeks old tomorrow, wow!! He is growing rather quickly too, out of his new born clothes and into 0-3, so sweet in his little cheeky monkey outfit!
I am suffering with sleep deprivation today. We had an action packed weekend, swimming in the sea at Petit Bot on Saturday and at Saints yesterday, Elijah all snug in his car seat on the beach (above high tide mark of course, Ewan's idea in case something should happen to us while we are swimming and he is left all alone, wouldn't have even crossed my mind to be honest!!). Shopping around the Island for Christmas presents on Saturday, in and out of shops, breast feeding and changing in Costa, all good fun, and then a swim at Grande Mare Saturday evening while the grandparents happily looked after Elijah for an hour.
Sunday and post swim we went over to Herm again with both sets of parents and enjoyed a picnic in the sun on the common at Shell Beach. Outdoors December breast feeding and change this time, poor little thing, I was frozen by the time we made it back to the boat, Elijah was all snug in his bear outfit! We then visited friends and enjoyed a cup of tea and Elijah had a few cuddles from Julie and Michelle, dressed as he was in his hippie suit from Uncle Ross and Aunite Star in hippie Byron - thank you guys!
Usually he sleeps well, but strangely yesterday we were talking to a couple whose baby did not sleep so well and they were saying that you feel as if you have constant jet lag. Well last night Elijah did not sleep well, he was wired when he should have been sleepy and today I do indeed feel as if I am jetlagged. Fortunately I can justify the copious amounts of 85% pure dark chocolate for my iron deficiency, even if I am eating it merely as a way to survive the day. It is so beautiful outside with the sun shining that it seems wrong to sit on the sofa all day!
In fact today is probably my first day on my own. This morning the doctor signed me off to drive again, hoorah, freedom, I had to do a few star jumps to prove to her that I am ok, not a problem given I have been practicing Yoga for a while now. It has helped, that and the homeopathic remedies I have been taking to help with the healing, and of course the iron rich foods.
Talking of which I was reading a fascinating article in the Sunday Times Style Magazine yesterday, which was about feeling exhausted and it said that on average 25% of women in Britain do not get enough iron. While the iron tablets have horrible side effects, I am intrigued to see how much stronger and more energised I feel when my iron levels are up in the normal range. Only trouble is I will no doubt expel that energy fitting in yet more things to the day. The article in the Style magazine touches on this a little, about the "crazy busy" nature of our lives, I can certainly relate to this, not something to be proud of necessarily.
In fact I am more aware of it than ever with Elijah in my life, and am shocked how ingrained the need to be busy is, and how challenging to be still without feeling guilty for being still. This is perhaps the reason I love sea swimming and Yoga so much, as both encourage present moment awareness and with that a stillness. Elijah too - I am certainly present with him, unless it is the middle of the night and I awake myself by nodding off while breast feeding!! I guess there is always further work to be done!!
On that note, time to be with the little fella and make the most of this glorious weather.
With gratitude.
xx
The healing power of good nutrition
My Mum is an angel. Eighteen days after giving birth to Elijah and I managed to fulfil my intention of taking Elijah to Herm yesterday as part of Ewan's annual birthday celebration tradition. Admittedly I didn't make it all the way to Belvoir Bay and I didn't manage to swim in the sea, but that is because I messed up the boat tickets rather than lacking in energy.
So it seems that a combination of iron tablets and an iron rich diet really does work. Eighteen days after the birth and it is like a switch has been flicked. Not to say that I am fully back to my usual energy levels, but at least I have the energy to gently exercise again and - apparently - have much more colour in my face. Hooray!
Mum has been preparing all our meals since the birth, a real joy because not only have I had zero energy nor time for cooking, but because my Mum is a champion cook and has been producing some wonderfully healing meals. In fact I do believe E is dreading me cooking again as he feels it has been like eating in a restaurant every night with such variety and quality dishes. I am more concerned that I won't continue healing as much as I have done this past few weeks. Thank you Mum.
I am sure there is a little further to go, but it is quite incredible what one can achieve through diet, rest and water alone. Iron rich foods mean lots of pumpkin seeds, dried apricots, spinach, quality dark 85-90% chocolate, quality red meat, eggs, pulses, watercress and a wide variety of fruits and vegetables. Plus some nettle tea!
As for Elijah, well we are both learning together. He is putting on weight and almost making up for lost time as he is munching on my breasts very regularly now. We are still getting sleep - anything between 4 to 7 hours a night - but there is a lot more regular feeding happening in between.
I love it, this being a mummy malarkey. It is simply wonderful. And I have finally slowed down and accepted that life has indeed changed and I can't rush around quite as much as I may have done in the past. And that is fine - as I was reminded by the angel card I pulled earlier - because you are more likely to notice the every day miracles if you slow down. So already Elijah has taught me so much.
I am practicing Yoga where I can to help to strengthen the pelvic floor and generally help with healing and keeping the energy and spirits high. There have been a few emotional outbursts these last few weeks but generally that has arisen as I have been unintentionally battling with what is, rather than accepting it and making peace.
Last weekend we took Elijah to the beach for the first time and while we left him snuggly on the beach, E and I immersed ourselves in the sea. Gosh it was cold. I figured it would be good fir the scar although annoyingly it was still too early on in the recovery process to swim.
Last week was frustrating as I started to get sick of being in the house all the time, or simply going to the shop during the day. Friday that changed and I got to go and talk yoga and pregnancy with the wonderful JKT on Radio Guernsey. Thank you Jen, a pleasure as always.
And then of course yesterday we took Elijah to Herm for his first outing off Island. Aside from feeding - first time public feeding in a rather packed Mermaid, Elijah got shy first! - he slept for most of the trip, so refreshing to get some fresh air, go walking and spending time with our friends. Hoorah for the healing power of nature and laughter with friends,
So these really are very blessed times. Such an opportunity to learn so much about myself and the patterns which no longer serve, and of course to understand and experience this concept of unconditional love for one's child and the way the world reflects back at you with new eyes. Thank you dear Elijah, my teacher indeed.
Off to try a swim and indulge in some quality dark chocolate - any excuse huh!
With much gratitude
x
Yoga in practice
Elijah is 10 days old today, in fact today was his official due date, until we discovered the placenta previa and all due dates went out the window.
I am just delighted we have him with us safe and sound, he is such a precious gift, I did not realise how wonderful it would be not only becoming a mother but also just welcoming new life, our own new life at that, into the world. It does make me reflect on the miracle of this world we live in, and the miracle of creation.
Elijah looks so much like Ewan, it is difficult for Ewan to see it but Mum and I spend the day identifying all the similar mannerisms and facial expressions. This is wondrous in itself, I even catch glimpses of my brother and my Dad. Isn't it funny how we pass from generation to generation so a part of us is always alive.
So we are adjusting well. Due to the C-section and the anaemia I am not allowed to be on my own, not least in case I faint but more so I believe, to make sure I don't overdo it. This means Mum arrives each morning when Ewan leaves for work and she potters around making all our meals, tidying up, winding Elijah and generally being an absolute star to me.
I admit I spent the first week of being home resisting all the help. It is tough when one is used to being so independent and to helping rather than being helped. Still events have caused me to re-address this and just go with the flow.
On Tuesday we took him to have his photos taken with Yasmin who is a baby photographer. It was a present from my parents and while I was super resistant to that too, she was quite amazing with him and it was actually really fascinating watching how she worked. There is no doubt that she has a gift for working with babies and is a baby whisper of sorts, she communicated with Elijah amazingly and I learnt a few tips, which have proved invaluable the last few days.
On Wednesday we were inundated with visitors, or so it seemed, one person after the next and by the end if it all I was absolutely exhausted and Elijah was all out of kilter from being passed around too much and not being in any sort of routine. It was later that evening that the baby blues - albeit later than one would expect - kicked in. I had been warned to expect it but still it seemed to come from nowhere as I just spent the evening and night crying.
I guess Elijah could pick up on my energy and was unsettled himself due to the over-stimulating nature of his day, so he barely slept, which simply compounded my mood and left me feeling rather helpless as he continued crying into the early hours of the morning. It was a horrible feeling and I am only grateful that Ewan took him from me and eased him to sleep, returning him to me when he was nice and settled so that we could get a few hours sleep.
I realised it wasn't so much about Elijah and him not sleeping that particular night. More so it was a mourning for a loss of pregnancy and the whole build up to the birth. Being pregnant becomes a whole new way of being, not least the fact you have this little bean growing inside you but also the fact that you are treated so differently by everyone. And then there is this immense build up to the birth, not just the excitement but also the fear - well for me in any event. Then you have the baby and you are euphoric. And then the exhaustion kicks in and it all becomes too much.
So I guess the baby blues are a combination of all these factors and probably more too, not helped by the weakness and the discomfort of a c-section recovery. It is all too easy to be filled with a sense of self-pity, which of course is compounded somewhat when your baby will not settle and go to sleep, because that is really all you want to be doing and you have zero control over it!!
Mum was pleased to hear the baby blues had hit. I am pleased too, for I have felt so very much better since then. Amazingly so. I guess everything happens in time and you have to see the dark to see the light again.
I have been eating as much iron rich food as possible to address the anaemia, which has not only made me very pale but was causing light headedness and shortness of breath just walking up the stairs. After much deliberation I decided not to have a blood transfusion, I was fortunate to have the choice as my iron levels were on the borderline. It is not so much the screening - albeit that that is a concern - but more so the fact you are taking on someone else's energy, which does not sit so easily with me. They don't say people's blood boils for nothing - it is true that emotions do really live in our bodies.
Instead I have started eating red meat again - the first time in 20 years, which was the last time I was anaemic. I remember a friend being told she needed to eat red meat to get better again and she resisted and I remember saying she was stupid for doing so. Faced with the same dilemma myself I can understand her resistance, but I also appreciate that it is not just about me anymore and if I am to get stronger and have my independence and be able to get out and about with Elijah then I need to be proactive in my decision making. Admittedly there is still the energy side to it, taking on a dead animals' energy and my favourite animal at that. But for whatever reason that sits more easily with me than someone else's blood.
As Mum is making all our meals she has been kind enough to ensure the meat is very good quality, which helps in reducing negative killing energy. The first meat meal was shepherds pie and while everyone was concerned I would feel sick trying to eat it, this couldn't have been farther from the truth. I became almost animalistic about it and could not get enough of the stuff. I have craved it throughout the pregnancy but resisted and now here I was letting go to it and my body could not have been happier. It just proves once more that the body does always know. And I have to say a week or so on I do feel so much better and have more colour in my face again.
I started practicing Yoga asana again this week too. I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful that felt after a week of going without - I believe that may have been the longest time I have gone without since I started practicing over 10 years ago now. It was just so lovely to move my body and to practice postures I have been unable to practice due to the baby bump. Of course I have to move very mindfully as the C-section scar heals - but this just adds to the delight of really going within. It is refreshing too to have 30 minutes on my own without anyone else, some lovely singing bowl music playing and the candles lit. Special sacred times where I can offer my practice as a way of saying thank you for all the abundance of the last few weeks.
At night I have started to be present to my breath as I breastfeed. Sometimes this process can take a good hour with all Elijah's faffing about, and more often than not I lose myself in it all and wonder what happened between sitting and trying to watch my breath and finding myself waking from sleep with Elijah lying across my chest. I guess I do it all in my sleep. Ewan makes me laugh as more often than not it is him who wakes us because he thinks Elijah has stopped breathing or the cover is across his face. It never is, not quite sure how it all works but I think us mothers have a sixth sense and if the baby is on you, well I don't worry about suffocating or squashing him, it just feels natural. Ewan has his turn too and it seems to really calm Elijah if he lies across daddy's chest for a hour or so. Oh the fun we have!!
As for abundance, we have received so many lovely gifts and cards, we are quite blown away with the generosity of everyone. The house is filled with flowers and Elijah received the largest teddy bear I have ever seen, so much so that Mum and I almost cried with laughter when it was delivered. Many people have asked to visit too and while we were initially happy to see everyone, we have now retreated a little so we can establish a routine and enjoy some quality time together, just us and the doting parents.
This weekend I am very much looking forward to spending time with Ewan and Elijah and taking our little man for his first visit to the beach - I suspect it is still too soon for me to swim in the sea, but we shall see. All these things are so good for the soul and I believe it is so important to get out into nature as much as possible when you are trying to heal.
Other than that, we shall simply enjoy each moment. There is nothing to make you more present than simply sitting and watching your baby's changing expressions. Yoga in practice indeed, amazing how something so small can help to out the larger picture into perspective so that you no longer - well not for now anyway - sweat the small stuff!!
With much gratitude.
xx
Elijah!
Well this has possibly been one of the more memorable weeks of my life as I became a Mummy for the first time!
Elijah Iain Mcinnes entered the world at 11.34am on Tuesday 12 November 2013 weighing 6lbs and 15oz.
He is named after the Prophet from the Book of Kings who we understand performed miracles and was a miracle himself. He feels like Ewan and my miracle as there was a time when we were not sure we would be able to have a baby of our own, plus I ended up with full grade placenta previa and he stuck in there until my planned C-section without me losing any blood or needing emergency medical care, despite teaching and practising Yoga right up until the end.
In fact it wouldn't surprise me if the Yoga helped to keep the placenta in place. I knew from 20 weeks that the placenta was low lying so I immediately changed my Yoga practice to accommodate this. Usually when you are pregnant, you practise poses to open the groins and cervix, but for me, I practised poses that kept this area closed and strong instead. Interestingly - well for me anyway - my sacrum caused me lots of problems throughout the pregnancy, so that actually any leg opening and folding poses caused me pain, so I guess you could say that the body, with the low lying placenta, was protecting itself already.
Life is full of challenges and while I would not like to go through placenta previa again, it did provide me with an opportunity to really go within. I wish perhaps I had worried less, and had more faith that it would all turn out fine in the end. Not to say I would choose to go through that whole C-section experience again, but with Elijah lying here in my arms, it was all of course worth it.
I am biased of course but he is a joy. It was the strangest feeling being given him to hold in my arms for the first time, a stranger almost, and yet not. I had spent the pregnancy connecting with the bean, and now here he was beside me and no more kicking and hiccupping in my tummy. Five days on and I can't imagine my life without him.
It was strange knowing when we were going to have him. I worked right up until 5.30pm the night before his arrival, always the way with work that it gets super busy before you are going off for any length of time. In many respects this was good, as I was nervous and so this kept me a little distracted.
Neither Ewan nor I managed to sleep much on Monday night - the endless night - and it was a relief when the alarm went off at 6am. I managed to squeeze in a Yoga and meditation practice before we went to the hospital for our 8am start. Due to the low lying nature of my placenta there was a concern that I could lose a lot of blood during the C-section, which may result in the need for a general anaesthetic. It was this that concerned me more than anything else.
I had initially elected for a home birth so I could tap into the spiritual experience of birthing, so to be told that I may not be awake for the birth and that Ewan would not be allowed in the theatre room if it did go to general, was very upsetting for me and I had to dig super deep to try and prepare myself with some level of acceptance and ability to go with the flow if the birth went down this route.
We had to wait around at the hospital for some time as there was an emergency C-section before us. This didn't help. Nor the fact that the ward was short staffed so we were moved from one midwife to another before ending up with Giuseppe, a wonderful male Italian midwife.
I can't really remember exact timings but I have a feeling I went down before 11am. It was all a bit scary really, I am not one for that medical world and it is all so clinical. The theatre staff, however, were wonderful, and I ended up chatting with a lady called Francis about baby names and Yoga, see, it gets everywhere! I knew I needed to be super still for the epidural but couldn't help irrationally shaking. I tuned in to my breath of course and that helped, but not quite the same as checking into it when birthing naturally!!
It was the strangest feeling not being able to move my legs. My blood pressure dropped, which made me feel really sick. Now that was horrible as I couldn't move my legs and had all these things in my hands so I couldn't really move them either and I was wondering how I cold be sick without choking. Fortunately the anaesthetist was able to sort very quickly and then Ewan joined me, which was my major concern, so I was able to relax a little with him beside me.
Ewan got stuck into the whole experience and watched them cut me open and was amused when Elijah's head popped out of my tummy before he rest of him was pulled out too. Ewan identified that he was indeed a boy as we had suspected from the beginning and got to go and sort the cord and watch him being cleaned up while the wonderful Mr Jensen attended to my placenta, which fortunately came out straight away, so that while I still lost over a litre of blood, this was
November sea swimming for the soul
Oh my gosh, we are all going to wash away at this rate, how can there be so much rain?!
Having said that, wasn't Sunday lovely, such a novelty to have a windless and rainless day - well part of it in any event.
E and I managed a few swims I the sea this weekend too. Saturday after a massive clean of the house (me, not Ewan, nesting you see!) we went in at Petit Bot, which was not particularly enjoyable as the waves were quite high but it did make me feel more alive afterwards. Sadly the cleaning, well the hovering, has not helped my sacral iliac and spd issues, I am told it is a common problem for flexible pregnant yoga practitioners but did mean I was positively waddling when we went shopping later in the day and actually there were moments when I didn't feel I could walk much further. Amazing how the body does what it does to help prevent you doing yourself some serious damage. Needless to say Saturday evening was spent lying down and resting the joints.
Sunday I felt much better and so decided to have an active day - I am making the most of it while I can as the baby will be coming this week, by C-section, due to placenta previa. We went for a swim at Saints Bay this time, it was wonderful, high tide and the sun came out. Typically there was one other swimmer there when we arrived but then we did have the place to ourselves. I just love that you can do that over here, find a spot away from the rest of the world. It was cold and the stones underfoot certainly gave the feet a good massage!! Still I felt much more awake afterwards and set me up for the rest of the day.
I made the most of the calmer and drier weather and cleaned my car before going for a walk of sorts with Mum - certainly wasn't our usual pace as I had to waddle to keep my pelvis in check! E and I managed a swim at the Grande Mare a little later, now this really does help the back, you just have to avoid breast stroke. I finished off the day with pregnancy yoga on the ball with the lovely Anita Davies. Admittedly I wasn't able to do much, but all the breathing and relaxation certainly chilled me out for a good night's sleep ahead.
The most challenging aspect of the pregnancy now is the heart burn. This could be complicated by my anaemia and the need to take iron tablets and also the fact the baby is not able to engage so is still quite high and therefore pressing into my stomach but my gosh, I will be pleased to have my digestive system working properly again soon. Aside from that, I am going to miss my bump when the baby has been born. I am familiar with the bean's movements, there is a pattern to it, and it will feel weird to sit and work and not have him/her with me. Same with Yoga, I shall have to sit him/her in the room as he/she may miss the energy of it all as it has been such a part of him/her the last 9 months.
And on that note it is indeed that time of day. Time to go practice and pray for brighter skies later so that we can all enjoy some fresh air without getting soaking went in the process - as a gardener poor E has no choice but to be out there in it!! which reminds me, it is a full moon at the end of the week, so we could be having an interesting time ahead!
With much gratitude and love.
xxxx
This and that
So it seems that we have made some progress with Bazza cat. We let him out and he came back again! I was really chuffed. The funny thing is that now he is able to go out, he doesn't seem quite so bothered. We are not sure if that is due to the other cats in the area or the fact that now the opportunity is there, it is not such a big deal for him.
We had to take Flufster cat to the vet on Saturday. She developed a really dodgy eye throughout the day so we registered her at a vets (bearing in mind she moved in with us) and took her in. It turns out she was is actually a "he", which is kind of strange to get our head around as now we have two boy cats and I can't stop referring to Flufster as a she. Anyhow turns out she has a puncture wound from another cat on the side of her head. We shall never know the truth, whether it was Bazza or not, but all seems rather coincidental to me!!
So life really has been about the cats. And of course a little about the baby. Phew the baby must be getting rather squashed in there the poor little thing. Incredible to think that if everything was going to the natural plan then I could still have another 4 weeks to go, what with them often being late the first time around. Probably just as well I don't have that long to go, not quite sure how I would walk, let alone sleep. The only comfortable place would be the swimming pool where one feels weightless!!
Talking of swimming, we have been going swimming in the sea at the weekends. Last Sunday was particularly rough down at Petit Bot, but a fabulous way to wake up and feel alive. That is the bit I enjoy the most - certainly not the getting in the sea, but the feeling one gets afterwards. I love the fact that it is often just Ewan and I down there too, he thinks I am strange but I love the freedom that comes with having a beach to yourself and the opportunity to change without having to hide behind a towel. You and nature. Can't beat it.
It is rather strange not teaching, all of a sudden I have much more time on my hands, which has been welcomed, work has been particularly busy so it is lovely to come home and be able to go swimming or read or lie in front of the TV and watch the wonderful Downton Abbey! It is a novelty of course, but one I am embracing all the same.
So that is life for me, constantly on the change, or so it seems. Shame the weather seems stuck on rain, would love to see a few more of those crisp autumnal days.
Oh well, time to go practice...
xxx
Acceptance...just sit with it and see what happens!
There was an article in the Sunday Times Style magazine that caught my attention this week. It was entitled "Meditation Generation" and was suggesting that the "Millennials" are turning to meditation where Generation X turned to Yoga. I am not sure I totally agree with this as many people have been meditating for many years, just they don't make a song and dance about it as much as is made these days.
Still I like the opening quote, which reads, "The model and actress Daisy Lowe started practicing transcendental meditation earlier this year. "I do it morning and evening, for 20 minutes, wherever I am. On the bed or the sofa; in the garden with my little Maltese, Monty, in cars, on trains or planes; and once in my friend Joseph Reuben's dressing room".
"It is powerful at first", she says. "So many people in my life fell away". I assume she means flaky showbiz chums and she laughs. "Some of those went, but I had the worst break up with a really old friend. Then people I hadn't seen for years started coming back into my life - people who don't drain me, who I have a balanced relationship with",
Of course this resonates with me too. Beginning a meditation practice was indeed quite a profound experience in terms of how it does change things on the outside, the more you sit with things on the inside. Your energy changes and people do drop away, but more than that, it is that word balance that comes into play. Not least in terms of balanced relationships as mentioned above, but more so balance to one's life.
People frequently tell me they would like to start meditating and do I know of a class they can join. Well I do, but of course going to a class does not make "meditation" any less challenging. Like everything in life you need to practice and yes of course, you can encourage some discipline in your practice by attending a class, but really you just need to get on with it.
I didn't really start practicing meditation in earnest until over a year ago now. I wasn't ready really. I mean I did meditate, I used to attend a class and of course I have attended many Yoga retreats which encouraged daily meditation and I have gone through spells where I have listened to guided meditations or undertaken a 40 day kundalini meditation plan, but I hadn't committed to a regular practice.
That all changed last year where we were faced with fertility issues and most of the holistic material I read suggested incorporating a daily meditation practice into your life. So this is what I did. I started sitting for 20 minutes each morning watching my breath, "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" and trying to catch myself when my mind started wandering and labelling such wandering "thinking" for that is exactly what it is. You do it without judgement, there is nothing wrong with thinking, the challenge is to catch the fact you are doing it, "awakening" to it therefore, and with that awakening comes present moment awareness, and in theory the more you practice that, the more present to you are in day to day life.
Not only that of course, meditation comes with many positive benefits including the prevention, treatment or even cure for many things including stress, chronic pain, depression, backache, colds, weight loss, insomnia, arthritis, eczema, loneliness, anxiety and of course learning to accept and deal with what is happening in each moment and encouraging, therefore, an ability to go with the flow and allow stuff to wash over you so you can maintain greater peace of mind and wellbeing.
While I only sit for 20 minutes a day, it can still be a challenge, but the more you do it, the more you will find you miss it if you don't do it. Taking twenty minutes out to sit in silence is indeed a joy in what is often a noisy and frenetic world we live in these days. I have no doubt that the meditation has played a powerful role in helping me to deal with the challenges that this last year or so has brought to me.
At 20 weeks I was diagnosed with placenta praevia, which affects 1 in 200 women. Basically this means that the placenta sits low in the uterus, which is far from ideal, as it can block the baby's natural exit into the world and result in extreme blood loss for the woman, which could lead to death. There are 4 grades to placenta praevia depending on where the placenta is sitting and I have the most extreme, which I believe takes me to odds of 1 in 1,000.
This was not an easy diagnosis to accept initially. I had planned on a home birth so I could tap into the spiritual energy of the whole natural birthing experience from the peace and quiet of my own home. In fact I was very passionate about it and read many books in preparation. So discovering that I have no choice but to go to the other end of the birthing spectrum and have a C-section in a very medical environment was far from ideal.
Still, as is always the case when life throws such challenges to me, it encouraged yet more time on my mat, to meditate and practice Yoga and just be with what is. I turned to the iching too, a wonderful book that helps one to deal with life's changes, so that you can develop a deeper understanding of what is going on for you. Of course there were tears for the loss of the much longed for and envisioned birth, but also there was an acceptance of the present moment and the fact that this is how clearly how it is meant to be and with that, no doubt many benefits.
For example I quickly realised how judging I had been towards women who chose a more medical birthing route, and how limiting I had been in considering that one can only tap into the spiritual nature of childbirth from the comfort of one's own home. So if anything, the fact I have had to go through this process has been transforming on many levels. Not least in letting go and going with the flow, but also in terms of realising that every moment offers an opportunity for spiritual growth.
It sounds obvious I know. But I also now know it to be true. As is always the case at times like this, people and books come into your life to help to learn more about whatever it is you are going through. And I don't mean in my case, learning more about the condition, but more so about how to live more in touch with what is going on. In the past I would opt to run away from anything too painful to deal with in the moment, be that literally going away, or be that consuming that extra glass of wine to numb the pain. Being pregnant meant I could neither run away nor drown my sorrows, so that has been a hugely liberating experience, for it has proven to me that there is another way and that other way does involve just sitting with it and making peace on the inside.
It doesn't mean it is always easy, there have been days of self pity, but at the end of the day, we choose our experiences. And meditation, I believe, helps us to catch ourselves when we are choosing an experience that does not compliment our higher self, that does not do us any favours. Of course we are bound to stumble along the way and mistakes will be made, for how else do we learn and grow, but with practice and time, well, I don't know, stuff just changes, we transform. And then the challenge is stepping into that transformation and realising we are not the same person we were a few months earlier, if anything, we are becoming more and more true to ourselves as the "rubbish" drops away.
The whole pregnancy journey has been an incredibly humbling experience and I wouldn't change any aspect of it. So I have to have a C-section, but it could be worse, it can always be worse, and no doubt there is a bigger picture to all this that I am only now beginning to glimpse - I am a great believer that things happen for a reason.
It is like that wonderful quote from Jack Kornfield:
..." Occasionally we get to choose the cycles we work with, such as choosing to get married or beginning a career. At these times it is helpful to meditate, to reflect on which direction will bring us closer to our path with heart, which will offer the spiritual lesson that it is time for in our life. More often we don't get to choose. The great cycles of our life wash over us, presenting us with challenges and difficult rites of passage much bigger than our ideas of where we are going. Midlife crisis, threats of divorce, personal illness, sickness of our children, money problems, or just running yet again into our own insecurity or unfulfilled ambition can seem like difficult yet mundane parts of life to get over with so we can become peaceful and do our spiritual practice. But when we bring to them attention and respect, each of those tasks has a spiritual lesson in them. It may be a lesson of staying centred through great confusion, or a lesson of forbearance, developing a forgiving heart with someone who has caused us pain. It may be a lesson of acceptance or a lesson of courage, finding the strength of heart to stand our ground and live from our deepest values...Difficult cycles are everyone's practice".
Time and time again, if we are indeed following a spiritual path, then we will be given many opportunities for growth and transformation. You could say it is answered prayers, for prayers do get answered but perhaps just not in the way we expect. For example if I pray to be of service, to be a better Yoga teacher, then no doubt life will present me with many an opportunity to delve that little bit deeper, to develop my sense of compassion, or awareness of healing or perhaps my experience of certain situations so that I can have more empathy towards others. There is always work to be done. But the key perhaps is to just get on with living, to let go, let go and let go again, and remember to keep your feet on the ground, smile and laugh and have fun!! Oh and of course, sit and meditate a little every day if you can as you never know what may happen! Which leads me to a final quote from Jack Kornfield:
"Every spiritual life entails a succession of difficulties because every ordinary life also involves a succession of difficulties, what the Buddha described as the inevitable sufferings of existence. In a spiritually informed life, however, these inevitable difficulties can be the source of our awakening, of deepening wisdom, patience and compassion. Without this perspective, we simply bear our sufferings like an ox or a foot soldier under a heavy load. Like the young maiden in the fairy tale "Rumpelstiltskin" who is locked in a room of straw, we often do not realize that the straw all around us is gold in disguise. The basic principle of spiritual life is that our problems become the very place to discover wisdom and love".
It is all so true. Life is full of magic even in the midst of all the madness...or perhaps even more so in the midst of all the madness!
With gratitude.
xx