Merry Christmas!!
Merry Christmas to everyone. We hope you have a safe, happy and healthy Christmas.
xx
Stillness
I am absolutely loving being a Mummy, but how quickly the time is flying by. Elijah will be 4 weeks old tomorrow, wow!! He is growing rather quickly too, out of his new born clothes and into 0-3, so sweet in his little cheeky monkey outfit!
I am suffering with sleep deprivation today. We had an action packed weekend, swimming in the sea at Petit Bot on Saturday and at Saints yesterday, Elijah all snug in his car seat on the beach (above high tide mark of course, Ewan's idea in case something should happen to us while we are swimming and he is left all alone, wouldn't have even crossed my mind to be honest!!). Shopping around the Island for Christmas presents on Saturday, in and out of shops, breast feeding and changing in Costa, all good fun, and then a swim at Grande Mare Saturday evening while the grandparents happily looked after Elijah for an hour.
Sunday and post swim we went over to Herm again with both sets of parents and enjoyed a picnic in the sun on the common at Shell Beach. Outdoors December breast feeding and change this time, poor little thing, I was frozen by the time we made it back to the boat, Elijah was all snug in his bear outfit! We then visited friends and enjoyed a cup of tea and Elijah had a few cuddles from Julie and Michelle, dressed as he was in his hippie suit from Uncle Ross and Aunite Star in hippie Byron - thank you guys!
Usually he sleeps well, but strangely yesterday we were talking to a couple whose baby did not sleep so well and they were saying that you feel as if you have constant jet lag. Well last night Elijah did not sleep well, he was wired when he should have been sleepy and today I do indeed feel as if I am jetlagged. Fortunately I can justify the copious amounts of 85% pure dark chocolate for my iron deficiency, even if I am eating it merely as a way to survive the day. It is so beautiful outside with the sun shining that it seems wrong to sit on the sofa all day!
In fact today is probably my first day on my own. This morning the doctor signed me off to drive again, hoorah, freedom, I had to do a few star jumps to prove to her that I am ok, not a problem given I have been practicing Yoga for a while now. It has helped, that and the homeopathic remedies I have been taking to help with the healing, and of course the iron rich foods.
Talking of which I was reading a fascinating article in the Sunday Times Style Magazine yesterday, which was about feeling exhausted and it said that on average 25% of women in Britain do not get enough iron. While the iron tablets have horrible side effects, I am intrigued to see how much stronger and more energised I feel when my iron levels are up in the normal range. Only trouble is I will no doubt expel that energy fitting in yet more things to the day. The article in the Style magazine touches on this a little, about the "crazy busy" nature of our lives, I can certainly relate to this, not something to be proud of necessarily.
In fact I am more aware of it than ever with Elijah in my life, and am shocked how ingrained the need to be busy is, and how challenging to be still without feeling guilty for being still. This is perhaps the reason I love sea swimming and Yoga so much, as both encourage present moment awareness and with that a stillness. Elijah too - I am certainly present with him, unless it is the middle of the night and I awake myself by nodding off while breast feeding!! I guess there is always further work to be done!!
On that note, time to be with the little fella and make the most of this glorious weather.
With gratitude.
xx
The healing power of good nutrition
My Mum is an angel. Eighteen days after giving birth to Elijah and I managed to fulfil my intention of taking Elijah to Herm yesterday as part of Ewan's annual birthday celebration tradition. Admittedly I didn't make it all the way to Belvoir Bay and I didn't manage to swim in the sea, but that is because I messed up the boat tickets rather than lacking in energy.
So it seems that a combination of iron tablets and an iron rich diet really does work. Eighteen days after the birth and it is like a switch has been flicked. Not to say that I am fully back to my usual energy levels, but at least I have the energy to gently exercise again and - apparently - have much more colour in my face. Hooray!
Mum has been preparing all our meals since the birth, a real joy because not only have I had zero energy nor time for cooking, but because my Mum is a champion cook and has been producing some wonderfully healing meals. In fact I do believe E is dreading me cooking again as he feels it has been like eating in a restaurant every night with such variety and quality dishes. I am more concerned that I won't continue healing as much as I have done this past few weeks. Thank you Mum.
I am sure there is a little further to go, but it is quite incredible what one can achieve through diet, rest and water alone. Iron rich foods mean lots of pumpkin seeds, dried apricots, spinach, quality dark 85-90% chocolate, quality red meat, eggs, pulses, watercress and a wide variety of fruits and vegetables. Plus some nettle tea!
As for Elijah, well we are both learning together. He is putting on weight and almost making up for lost time as he is munching on my breasts very regularly now. We are still getting sleep - anything between 4 to 7 hours a night - but there is a lot more regular feeding happening in between.
I love it, this being a mummy malarkey. It is simply wonderful. And I have finally slowed down and accepted that life has indeed changed and I can't rush around quite as much as I may have done in the past. And that is fine - as I was reminded by the angel card I pulled earlier - because you are more likely to notice the every day miracles if you slow down. So already Elijah has taught me so much.
I am practicing Yoga where I can to help to strengthen the pelvic floor and generally help with healing and keeping the energy and spirits high. There have been a few emotional outbursts these last few weeks but generally that has arisen as I have been unintentionally battling with what is, rather than accepting it and making peace.
Last weekend we took Elijah to the beach for the first time and while we left him snuggly on the beach, E and I immersed ourselves in the sea. Gosh it was cold. I figured it would be good fir the scar although annoyingly it was still too early on in the recovery process to swim.
Last week was frustrating as I started to get sick of being in the house all the time, or simply going to the shop during the day. Friday that changed and I got to go and talk yoga and pregnancy with the wonderful JKT on Radio Guernsey. Thank you Jen, a pleasure as always.
And then of course yesterday we took Elijah to Herm for his first outing off Island. Aside from feeding - first time public feeding in a rather packed Mermaid, Elijah got shy first! - he slept for most of the trip, so refreshing to get some fresh air, go walking and spending time with our friends. Hoorah for the healing power of nature and laughter with friends,
So these really are very blessed times. Such an opportunity to learn so much about myself and the patterns which no longer serve, and of course to understand and experience this concept of unconditional love for one's child and the way the world reflects back at you with new eyes. Thank you dear Elijah, my teacher indeed.
Off to try a swim and indulge in some quality dark chocolate - any excuse huh!
With much gratitude
x
Yoga in practice
Elijah is 10 days old today, in fact today was his official due date, until we discovered the placenta previa and all due dates went out the window.
I am just delighted we have him with us safe and sound, he is such a precious gift, I did not realise how wonderful it would be not only becoming a mother but also just welcoming new life, our own new life at that, into the world. It does make me reflect on the miracle of this world we live in, and the miracle of creation.
Elijah looks so much like Ewan, it is difficult for Ewan to see it but Mum and I spend the day identifying all the similar mannerisms and facial expressions. This is wondrous in itself, I even catch glimpses of my brother and my Dad. Isn't it funny how we pass from generation to generation so a part of us is always alive.
So we are adjusting well. Due to the C-section and the anaemia I am not allowed to be on my own, not least in case I faint but more so I believe, to make sure I don't overdo it. This means Mum arrives each morning when Ewan leaves for work and she potters around making all our meals, tidying up, winding Elijah and generally being an absolute star to me.
I admit I spent the first week of being home resisting all the help. It is tough when one is used to being so independent and to helping rather than being helped. Still events have caused me to re-address this and just go with the flow.
On Tuesday we took him to have his photos taken with Yasmin who is a baby photographer. It was a present from my parents and while I was super resistant to that too, she was quite amazing with him and it was actually really fascinating watching how she worked. There is no doubt that she has a gift for working with babies and is a baby whisper of sorts, she communicated with Elijah amazingly and I learnt a few tips, which have proved invaluable the last few days.
On Wednesday we were inundated with visitors, or so it seemed, one person after the next and by the end if it all I was absolutely exhausted and Elijah was all out of kilter from being passed around too much and not being in any sort of routine. It was later that evening that the baby blues - albeit later than one would expect - kicked in. I had been warned to expect it but still it seemed to come from nowhere as I just spent the evening and night crying.
I guess Elijah could pick up on my energy and was unsettled himself due to the over-stimulating nature of his day, so he barely slept, which simply compounded my mood and left me feeling rather helpless as he continued crying into the early hours of the morning. It was a horrible feeling and I am only grateful that Ewan took him from me and eased him to sleep, returning him to me when he was nice and settled so that we could get a few hours sleep.
I realised it wasn't so much about Elijah and him not sleeping that particular night. More so it was a mourning for a loss of pregnancy and the whole build up to the birth. Being pregnant becomes a whole new way of being, not least the fact you have this little bean growing inside you but also the fact that you are treated so differently by everyone. And then there is this immense build up to the birth, not just the excitement but also the fear - well for me in any event. Then you have the baby and you are euphoric. And then the exhaustion kicks in and it all becomes too much.
So I guess the baby blues are a combination of all these factors and probably more too, not helped by the weakness and the discomfort of a c-section recovery. It is all too easy to be filled with a sense of self-pity, which of course is compounded somewhat when your baby will not settle and go to sleep, because that is really all you want to be doing and you have zero control over it!!
Mum was pleased to hear the baby blues had hit. I am pleased too, for I have felt so very much better since then. Amazingly so. I guess everything happens in time and you have to see the dark to see the light again.
I have been eating as much iron rich food as possible to address the anaemia, which has not only made me very pale but was causing light headedness and shortness of breath just walking up the stairs. After much deliberation I decided not to have a blood transfusion, I was fortunate to have the choice as my iron levels were on the borderline. It is not so much the screening - albeit that that is a concern - but more so the fact you are taking on someone else's energy, which does not sit so easily with me. They don't say people's blood boils for nothing - it is true that emotions do really live in our bodies.
Instead I have started eating red meat again - the first time in 20 years, which was the last time I was anaemic. I remember a friend being told she needed to eat red meat to get better again and she resisted and I remember saying she was stupid for doing so. Faced with the same dilemma myself I can understand her resistance, but I also appreciate that it is not just about me anymore and if I am to get stronger and have my independence and be able to get out and about with Elijah then I need to be proactive in my decision making. Admittedly there is still the energy side to it, taking on a dead animals' energy and my favourite animal at that. But for whatever reason that sits more easily with me than someone else's blood.
As Mum is making all our meals she has been kind enough to ensure the meat is very good quality, which helps in reducing negative killing energy. The first meat meal was shepherds pie and while everyone was concerned I would feel sick trying to eat it, this couldn't have been farther from the truth. I became almost animalistic about it and could not get enough of the stuff. I have craved it throughout the pregnancy but resisted and now here I was letting go to it and my body could not have been happier. It just proves once more that the body does always know. And I have to say a week or so on I do feel so much better and have more colour in my face again.
I started practicing Yoga asana again this week too. I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful that felt after a week of going without - I believe that may have been the longest time I have gone without since I started practicing over 10 years ago now. It was just so lovely to move my body and to practice postures I have been unable to practice due to the baby bump. Of course I have to move very mindfully as the C-section scar heals - but this just adds to the delight of really going within. It is refreshing too to have 30 minutes on my own without anyone else, some lovely singing bowl music playing and the candles lit. Special sacred times where I can offer my practice as a way of saying thank you for all the abundance of the last few weeks.
At night I have started to be present to my breath as I breastfeed. Sometimes this process can take a good hour with all Elijah's faffing about, and more often than not I lose myself in it all and wonder what happened between sitting and trying to watch my breath and finding myself waking from sleep with Elijah lying across my chest. I guess I do it all in my sleep. Ewan makes me laugh as more often than not it is him who wakes us because he thinks Elijah has stopped breathing or the cover is across his face. It never is, not quite sure how it all works but I think us mothers have a sixth sense and if the baby is on you, well I don't worry about suffocating or squashing him, it just feels natural. Ewan has his turn too and it seems to really calm Elijah if he lies across daddy's chest for a hour or so. Oh the fun we have!!
As for abundance, we have received so many lovely gifts and cards, we are quite blown away with the generosity of everyone. The house is filled with flowers and Elijah received the largest teddy bear I have ever seen, so much so that Mum and I almost cried with laughter when it was delivered. Many people have asked to visit too and while we were initially happy to see everyone, we have now retreated a little so we can establish a routine and enjoy some quality time together, just us and the doting parents.
This weekend I am very much looking forward to spending time with Ewan and Elijah and taking our little man for his first visit to the beach - I suspect it is still too soon for me to swim in the sea, but we shall see. All these things are so good for the soul and I believe it is so important to get out into nature as much as possible when you are trying to heal.
Other than that, we shall simply enjoy each moment. There is nothing to make you more present than simply sitting and watching your baby's changing expressions. Yoga in practice indeed, amazing how something so small can help to out the larger picture into perspective so that you no longer - well not for now anyway - sweat the small stuff!!
With much gratitude.
xx
Elijah!
Well this has possibly been one of the more memorable weeks of my life as I became a Mummy for the first time!
Elijah Iain Mcinnes entered the world at 11.34am on Tuesday 12 November 2013 weighing 6lbs and 15oz.
He is named after the Prophet from the Book of Kings who we understand performed miracles and was a miracle himself. He feels like Ewan and my miracle as there was a time when we were not sure we would be able to have a baby of our own, plus I ended up with full grade placenta previa and he stuck in there until my planned C-section without me losing any blood or needing emergency medical care, despite teaching and practising Yoga right up until the end.
In fact it wouldn't surprise me if the Yoga helped to keep the placenta in place. I knew from 20 weeks that the placenta was low lying so I immediately changed my Yoga practice to accommodate this. Usually when you are pregnant, you practise poses to open the groins and cervix, but for me, I practised poses that kept this area closed and strong instead. Interestingly - well for me anyway - my sacrum caused me lots of problems throughout the pregnancy, so that actually any leg opening and folding poses caused me pain, so I guess you could say that the body, with the low lying placenta, was protecting itself already.
Life is full of challenges and while I would not like to go through placenta previa again, it did provide me with an opportunity to really go within. I wish perhaps I had worried less, and had more faith that it would all turn out fine in the end. Not to say I would choose to go through that whole C-section experience again, but with Elijah lying here in my arms, it was all of course worth it.
I am biased of course but he is a joy. It was the strangest feeling being given him to hold in my arms for the first time, a stranger almost, and yet not. I had spent the pregnancy connecting with the bean, and now here he was beside me and no more kicking and hiccupping in my tummy. Five days on and I can't imagine my life without him.
It was strange knowing when we were going to have him. I worked right up until 5.30pm the night before his arrival, always the way with work that it gets super busy before you are going off for any length of time. In many respects this was good, as I was nervous and so this kept me a little distracted.
Neither Ewan nor I managed to sleep much on Monday night - the endless night - and it was a relief when the alarm went off at 6am. I managed to squeeze in a Yoga and meditation practice before we went to the hospital for our 8am start. Due to the low lying nature of my placenta there was a concern that I could lose a lot of blood during the C-section, which may result in the need for a general anaesthetic. It was this that concerned me more than anything else.
I had initially elected for a home birth so I could tap into the spiritual experience of birthing, so to be told that I may not be awake for the birth and that Ewan would not be allowed in the theatre room if it did go to general, was very upsetting for me and I had to dig super deep to try and prepare myself with some level of acceptance and ability to go with the flow if the birth went down this route.
We had to wait around at the hospital for some time as there was an emergency C-section before us. This didn't help. Nor the fact that the ward was short staffed so we were moved from one midwife to another before ending up with Giuseppe, a wonderful male Italian midwife.
I can't really remember exact timings but I have a feeling I went down before 11am. It was all a bit scary really, I am not one for that medical world and it is all so clinical. The theatre staff, however, were wonderful, and I ended up chatting with a lady called Francis about baby names and Yoga, see, it gets everywhere! I knew I needed to be super still for the epidural but couldn't help irrationally shaking. I tuned in to my breath of course and that helped, but not quite the same as checking into it when birthing naturally!!
It was the strangest feeling not being able to move my legs. My blood pressure dropped, which made me feel really sick. Now that was horrible as I couldn't move my legs and had all these things in my hands so I couldn't really move them either and I was wondering how I cold be sick without choking. Fortunately the anaesthetist was able to sort very quickly and then Ewan joined me, which was my major concern, so I was able to relax a little with him beside me.
Ewan got stuck into the whole experience and watched them cut me open and was amused when Elijah's head popped out of my tummy before he rest of him was pulled out too. Ewan identified that he was indeed a boy as we had suspected from the beginning and got to go and sort the cord and watch him being cleaned up while the wonderful Mr Jensen attended to my placenta, which fortunately came out straight away, so that while I still lost over a litre of blood, this was