Coming alive
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. because what the world needs is people who have come alive" (Howard Thurman)
I know I shared this quote in an earlier blog posting but I just LOVE it. I want to share it with EVERYONE so that we can all be reminded that we NEED, absolutely MUST, find out what makes us feel ALIVE!
I shared the quote in class the other evening and one of the students commented how she had been swimming in the sea twice that day and had been out on the cliffs and each of those activities had made her feel very alive, and how she tries to do stuff like that, that makes her feel alive, every day.
I know what she means. There was a time when my life was anything but alive. When it was a struggle to leave the house and there was a time when I was so caught up in my lists of things to do that I forgot to live. It easily happens, you try and maintain some degree of control (ha) and before you know it you are so caught up in the mediocre of the mundane that you forget that there is another way.
It is true though isn't it, how many of us have, or still are, focusing on the routine. I always wonder where that comes from, is it the conditioning that we received rom education or from our parents or from society. At which point did we learn that we have to do this and do that and be this and be that before we can just go with the flow of things, or even better, do the things that we truly want to do or be the person that we truly want to be, that is inherent within us, that makes us come alive, alive, alive.
I know the pressure only too well to conform and be the "good girl" regardless of the sacrifices to my soul and spirit. Returning to the Guernsey from University I really didn't know what I wanted to do. I had turned down the opportunity to undertake a PhD in cultural geography (I had the funding and everything) and I had attempted a Masters in the same subject instead but I was done with studying, or so I thought.
I had the idea that I would like to write or I would like to use my geography in some way but every job application which may have led me down these paths was never accepted. So I ended up having to try finance - I had been working within a Trust Department of a local Bank during my University holidays and had learnt a little of how the fiduciary world worked. Still it took a few attempts until KPMG called me in for an interview and offered me a job.
That first day I remember feeling so very depressed. I really had no interest in the routine of the working financial world and I loathed wearing smart corporate clothes that my Mum suggested I wear (she was Head of HR for Europe for a local Bank at the time and very keen that I pursue a career in finance as it had suited her so well) and I absolutely detested the rules and regulations, policies and processes that came from working within in an international accountancy firm. When I think back it couldn't have been more opposite to the life I live now!
Still the good girl in me knew I needed to conform, follow the rules to get on. They insisted I study, which I loathed and inside my soul was slowly crying out but I was too caught up in it all , believing that that was my fate (which it was at the time) and getting awfully angry and frustrated about it. Outside of work I threw myself into netball, playing club, Island and Regional, and coaching too, it was my thing at the time and it gave me a much needed release and the opportunity to make friends.
This fairly much set the scene for the next 8 years. I took some time out from time to time when the mundane became too crushing and a spark within me managed to create some fire for change, so that I spent a summer working at a soccer camp in North America and I took five months out to travel around the world, but only got as far as New Zealand (through Us and Fiji) before life situations brought me back home again so that the shifts were never lasting and before I knew it I would find myself back in permanent employment within the fiduciary industry.
It was really very difficult to leave, because this was all I knew. And at times I really had forgotten that life was for living so that life was all about lists and things to do and rules and regulations and feeling I had no choice in any of it. I distinctly remember when I 'found' yoga and I just could not, absolutely could not stand the relaxation part of the practice.
The classes were held in St Martin's Parish Hall with Ness on a Monday evening and I would find any excuse under the sun to leave before the end of the session because otherwise I would lie there with a million things running through my head, list upon list upon list of things I had to do, or I would ruminate on all the things that had happened that day and all those situations where I should have done this or should have done that. I was anywhere but present and I loathed the stillness that relaxation provided.
But of course yoga worked its magic and with time it helped to increase that spark so the fire burned brighter and in between all the thoughts, there came the odd moment of clarity so that my soul was able to communicate - or be heard then - more clearly. So that things started to shift and transformation began to take place. I guess I started to come alive again. All of a sudden there as another world, and one that resonated more clearly with me.
This was a world of nutrition (what, you mean you eat for good health rather than to maintain a certain weight?), Reiki (what that helps you to heal and feel calm and grounded?), chakras (hoorah, these made so much sense), aromatherapy oils (yes, this resonates, I had been burning synthetic ones for years but now, proper ones!), meditation (a REAL challenge but I was so delighted to be giving it a go nonetheless), crystals (AMAZING, yes, yes, yes I have missed these my whole life), incense (hoorah, other people burn these - I had been burning these for years in my bedroom), calming music (it really works!), and yoga.
And it was also a world where things started to become possible again. I started to feel really alive. There was choice. I didn't need to live like I had been living. One life. My life. From darkness, comes light. There was another way, there is always another way. But the thing is we always look at the external for change, but actually what was happening, was that the more I practiced yoga, the more I meditated, the more I released through Reiki, the more I became lighter on the inside and the more my vibrational energy increased so that it was inevitable that my outer life would begin to shift in accordance with the law of attraction - what you put out comes back to you.
But of course there have been moments since then when I have slipped back into the grooves of old, so that I have found the light fading and the darkness descending as I got caught up in the mundane, when my faith wavered and my confidence dipped and I started making far too many lists and trying to control things and forgot to make sure I do things, am expressing then, the stuff that makes me feel alive.
Life got a bit like that earlier this year, call it the shock of becoming a mother and the massive transition from the flitting life I used to live where I taught in every spare moment and was always busy to the one which found me having to be at home and having to say no to people and re-prioritise how I was living and I felt a little lost, wondering how I could be an expression of my soul in my day to day living. It was tough and old patterns reappeared. My obsession with the floor being clean became really pronounced again!
I know it sounds silly but this has always been my thing, my way of knowing when things are out of balance. In my old life when I had a house with my brother (pre yoga) I was absolutely obsessed about the floors being clean so I seemed to spend half my life cleaning them - spot OCD, spot CONTROL!! And this crept back in again last year. I realised it was getting out of control (ha, funny that!) when Elijah started becoming obsessed too - oh no, I was conditioning the poor little thing so he would go to my parents and point out the spots of dirt on their floor!
This was coupled with me undertaking the 8 week mindfulness course, which made me very aware how my prioritising was all messed up...floor cleaning over playing with Elijah, floor cleaning over getting on my mat in the fee quiet moments when Elijah sleeps.
And like with other things I have worked on in my life before, it was tough, an ongoing awareness and a need to really let go, so that now, ok I still like a clean floor (it is a Nepal thing, they clean floors all the time, a spiritual thing then to have a clean space inside hence the no shoes in the house, keeping the outside outside and protecting the internal space) BUT I am not obsessed about it. I can let it go (honest Mum!!). I can let it be and prioritise other things. And what a relief!!!
And this is the point. Cleaning floors doesn't really make me feel alive, it is just one of those things that distracted me from spending time coming alive. it is a balance I know, but this whole process, the mindfulness meditations and the chatter that accompanied it, reminded me that we really must try and spend our time embracing the positive things, living in the moment, encouraging flexibility in our scheduling.
So if walking on the cliffs makes you feel alive, then start doing more of it, if swimming in the sea makes you feel alive then keep your bathers in the car so you can make the most of any opportunity to get in the sea, if yoga makes you feel alive then prioritise a home practice or class a few times a week. If you like reading then read. If you like baking then bake. If you like gardening then get out in the garden, if you like dancing, then go dance.
And let go of any little inner voice that tries to tell you NO! That tries to tell you that you don't deserve to feel alive, that you must do this or that or this or that and this and that until you have earned yourself the right to take time out. It is that little inner voice that kills us. It sits on our shoulder and chatters into our ear, on and on and on, the berating, the judging, the planning, the "you are not good enough", "you couldn't possibly do that", "you must do all these things to even stand a chance of doing that". Ah let it go. let the other voice that sits on your other shoulder have more expression, the gentle heart felt one that compassionately leads you on to the light.
I shall leave you with this beautiful extract from a fabulous book I have been reading called "Red Hot & Holy" by Sera Beak:
“While your soul is always with you, there are certain “come hither” gestures you can make to connect even more consciously.
First, right here, right now, with all your heart, simply say to your soul…
That you’re ready.
Ask her to turn up her volume in your daily life, and learn to listen to her when she calls you. Over time and with practice, you will learn to discern her voice from the myriad other voices running around your mind and body. She is constantly communication with you, but it takes a willingness to become accustomed t her language, which is different from your ego or fest, witty mind or even the "love and light" language of your spirit. She speaks through your dreams, metaphor, symbols, synchronicities, your body, and your feelings, always communicating simple, but powerful, life-changing messages such as:
This is not the right relationship. This job is suffocating. Stop meditating so much. Start dancing more. Now, sit still. Ask that difficult question. Dare to hear the answer. Read that book. Volunteer at that organisation. Listen to that friend. Trust that teaching. Vote. Go on that date. Play with your dog. Speak the truth to that person. Breathe. Deeper. Cry. Harder. Laugh. Louder. Get messy. Get clean.”
Soon your soul will start to feel like a palpable presence you are intimately a part of and she of you, and you can invite her more and more into your body’s awareness by consciously sitting with her, dancing with her, moving and listening and speaking and touching and loving as her. Undoubtedly, there will come a time when your soul will demand even more if tur conscious attention. When the pressure to Know and Love and Unleash your Divinity will move up a notch (or ten). There will come a time, a time that’s been decided by your distinct Divine Being (not anything or anyone outside of you) when you will be asked to:
Come forward,
Closer still
Till “closer” has meaning no longer.
And it will be thrilling and terrifying and gorgeous and annoying, and there will be days when you will question everything and tell the Universe to screw itself, and other days you will be trusting everything and telling the Universe to Bring It even more. But no matter the utter insanity of your soul’s sanity, you will know that:
This
Is
IT.
The truest thing you were born to Experience.
And you will be
So
Grateful
That you remembered."
With gratitude
x
Healing with crystals
I am absolutely passionate about crystals and am always keen to share them with others. I was initially introduced to crystals many years ago now by my Reiki Master who was a big fan and had them placed in every room of her house. To be honest I cannot believe it took so long for them to appear in my life.
We studied crystals during our Reiki 2 training and very soon they started to appear around my house too. In fact these days we have them in every room in the house, I even have a few in my car and I never travel without a few in my bag. I also wear them as much as I can, selecting those that resonate with my mood.
We even place them in plant pots to help energise the plants and assist their growth - Mum and Dad even have them in the greenhouse.They are magical and I am always keen to give crystals to others so that they too, can be touched by their healing and transformative qualities.
Crystals and frequencies
We live in a world of constant vibration, intelligent vibration actually, because everything that exists is really energy information, or energy in-formation – vibration.
These vibrations form matter, substance or intangible things. The key frequency of vibration of an object or an animal is known as its resonant frequency. Vibrating or oscillating systems will absorb energy if the energy is delivered in the resonant frequency.
Although they may seem like inert objects crystals are very much alive, they are both filled with energy and are conduits of energy – that is one of the reasons crystals are used in watches, radios and modern medical devices.
Crystals amplify their own energy as well as the Divine universal energy, which we already know as Ki, Chi, Prana, Love and Reiki. Crystals have been used for healing since before Egyptian times. With advances in geology and quantum physics, the structure and energy of crystals is beginning to be understood.
Like human beings that vibrate on their own individual frequency crystals vibrate on their own individual frequency. We have all had the experience of meeting a perfect stranger and either liking that person immediately or feeling an antipathy towards them – without in any way being able to explain our feelings or emotions – well that is all down to the resonance of vibration.
Choosing crystals
Crystals should be chosen in the same way. It is important that the crystals, which we choose and use should vibrate on a frequency as close as possible to that of our own. Individual methods of choosing crystals may vary from person to person but would normally include:-
Close your eyes and quietly meditate for a few moments. Then open your eyes and pick up the first crystal to which your eye becomes naturally drawn.
Run one of your hands over all the crystals available for selection. You will soon discover that one will cling to your hand – this is your crystal.
Intuitively you will “know” which crystal you should choose and which is right for you. You may feel as if the crystal is vibrating and sense that the crystal is saying ‘choose me, I am yours’. Or you might sense or even “see’” a strong crystalline light radiating from the crystal and attracting you like a magnet. Sometimes you will feel as if the crystals are actually choosing you!
If you have experience in dowsing then you will be able to select the most appropriate crystal by using your dowsing techniques.
Should you wish to choose a crystal for a friend, follow the same guidelines as if you were choosing a crystal for yourself but visualise as strongly as possible a picture of your friend within your mind’s eye. With a little practice you will soon realise that it is very easy to select a crystal for any of your friends.
Cleansing/energising crystals
Having chosen your crystal it is now important that you cleanse it. Crystals often attract all kinds of energy vibrations both negative and positive. Remember that your crystal may have travelled many thousands of miles and been handled by many people before you received it. Therefore your crystal may have acquired some negative energies.
It will not come as a surprise to you, therefore, that before you start to use your crystal it is very important that you remove all of these negative emotions and vibrations and re-energise it before you begin to use your crystal for healing purposes. This is to ensure that only the most natural and pure energies remain within your crystal. Choosing how and when a crystal needs cleansing is a personal decision as is the time required for cleansing. Be mindful of cleansing crystals after each client to release any energy residue.
There are several ways to cleanse crystals including placing them in sea salt, or in a natural water source (sea, stream, river), burying them in the earth, infusing them with sunlight or moonlight (particularly on a full moon), or holding them in your hand and setting your intention that they be cleansed by Reiki. Be careful if you cleanse them at the beach, I almost lost quite a few sinking in the sand of a rock pool once!
Crystals and colour
Another of the great things about crystals is their colour. Colour, through crystals, can be used to rebalance diminished chakra energies.
Putting the elements of natural earth product, colour and light together, we begin to see the mechanism by which crystals can help us to heal. It is said that there are almost 50,000,000,000 vibrations per second in the human body. Here are some examples of some individual body ‘parts’:
Blood – 82,500 million v.p.s.
Lungs – 67,250 million v.p.s.
Ear – 47,750 million v.p.s.
As the number of vibrations is so high a unit of 10 million vibrations per millimetre was established by Jonas Angstrom an astronomer and physicist, just over a hundred years ago. It is called the Angstrom Unit and has simplified the calculations of cosmic energy vibrations.
Colours are a woven network of vibrations and converted to Angstrom Units, the following are the colours of the chakras;
Base chakra, red, 8,000AU
Sacral chakra, orange, 6,500AU
Solar Plexus, yellow, 6,000AU
Heart chakra, green, 5,000AU
Throat chakra, blue, 4,750AU
Third eye, Indigo, 4,500AU
Crown chakra, white, 2-4,000AU.
Essentially crystals are a combination of colour and light therapy sending out the vibrational rate equivalent to their colour. Various types of crystals and gemstones are said to have special and subtle energy and healing properties. Certain crystals, most notably quartz, are also thought to be subtle energy amplifiers.
Healing with crystals
The simplest method of using crystals for colour healing (emphasis on resonant frequency) is probably the chakra layout pattern, which involves lying in a supine position on your back and placing the 7 different coloured stones on the 7 corresponding chakra centres of the body. It is suggested that you rest with the crystals in this position for a period of 15 to 45 minutes, but as with everything, it is best to use your intuition.
The following are examples of crystals that relate to your energy centres and what their properties are:
Clear quartz – crown chakra – this is the most powerful healer. It generates electromagnetism and dispels static electricity. It connects the physical dimension with the mind and will also stimulate the immune system.
Amethyst – third eye – this is a powerful healer and protector that can enhance psychic abilities and spiritual awareness. It calms the mind and can enhance meditation and visualisation, relieving physical and emotional pain.
Blue Lace Agate – throat chakra – this calms, cools, lifts thoughts and will work on the throat, heart, third eye and crown to encourage attunement. It is used to treat arthritis and strengthens the skeletal system. You can also use Lapis Lazuli
Jade – heart chakra – this crystal is a symbol of purity and serenity and it will release negative thoughts and soothe the mind. It will aid in emotional release and helps to remove toxins and thus heal. You can also use Aventurine.
Rose quartz – this is the crystal of unconditional love. It will heal and open the heart, calming, reassuring and giving deep inner healing. It aids in self-trust and self-worth, teaching us how to love oneself by encouraging self-forgiveness and acceptance.
Yellow Jasper – solar plexus – this protects us during spiritual work and physical travel. It will channel positive energy and energise your endocrine system, it will also help you to overcome exhaustion and revitalise you. You can also use Citrine.
Carnelian – sacral chakra – this grounds and anchors us to our present surroundings, improves analytical abilities, clarifies perception, motivates in business and will dispel apathy. It has the capacity to cleanse other crystals, heal lower back problems, rheumatism, arthritis and depression.
Red Jasper – root chakra – this grounds energy and rectifies unjust situations, also aiding in dream recall. It will strengthen the circulatory system.
Enjoy your crystals and share them with others as they do really enhance life.
Be the change you want to see in the world
"Be the change you want to see in the world" Mahatma Gandhi
The image of 3 year old Syrian, Aylan Kurdi has touched hearts around the world, and with good reason, humanity is in crisis.
So what are we going to do about it?
For a start we need to unplug from the fear. I am sure I am not the only one who has felt themselves all caught up in this - its inevitable isn't it, that we consider what it would be like if we were in that position, and with that comes a whole heap of emotion, our stuff then, and all the fear that comes with considering the decline of the humanity and the increasing darkness, ISIS and terror and human trafficking and torture and sexual violence. It really is the stuff of nightmares. And for some, real living, breathing nightmares.
And then add to that the helplessness we feel in not being able to do anything to change things for those suffering so much - so that there is all this energy of fear and helplessness hanging in the air - and imagine how the refugees must be feeling, a whole heap more fear and helplessness...and a hope for the love and compassion of humanity...
So actually, us staying pugged into fear and helplessness is helping nobody. From the darkness we must turn to the light.
We need to tap into ourselves. We need to sit quietly and really feel where this whole awful situation is showing up. And we need to love and forgive, love and forgive, love and forgive. Because the thing is, if we get angry, or fearsome, or bitter, or full of blame, or feel helpless and full of despair, well then we are no better than the ones initially causing the pain, because we are now causing pain is us...and believe you me, this is not going to help humanity because we are just putting this all back out there.
Mahatma Gandhi was quite right, WE need to be the CHANGE we want to see in the world. If we want to see more peace, if we want to see more happiness, if we want to see more respect for others, if we want more love, well then we have to find that in ourselves first.
You see we are all made of energy and like attracts like. So if we are full of negativity and anger and pity and shame and bitter and twisted and all of those things, well then we are more likely to attract more of that into our life. But if we are full of love and joy and compassion and forgiveness, if we are light in our vibration on this earth, well then we are more likely to attract more of that into our life. And it doesn't take a genius to work out which one is better for humanity and the world at large.
So it really does come back to us.
Because let us not forget that we are all one. I feel it and perhaps you do too. We are all one. Duality (the separation of self from 'other') is nothing more than an illusion. As my dear friend Jessica Mardon recently said to me, "there is no difference between what I recognise to be myself and the universe at large. Yet the self is an individual expression with individual talents. The purpose of a well-led life is to understand one's individual self design and contribute the best of one's individual talents to create the best collective. We manifest what we believe in. We, therefore, have personal choice to create whatever world we want for ourselves. Personal choice leads to personal responsibility to understand our true nature and unique talents and to apply them wisely for the common good of our collective nature".
Rebekah Shaman is well aware of this too. She has recently returned from 10 days of deep isolation in the Amazon jungle working with plant medicine and remarked that "we are a part of this amazing planet, we are nature personified". (Get that, we are nature personified, I love this!). She continues, "We are a humanity in crisis and the next few months are going to get rocky. Plant Medicines are here to assist with the conscious evolutionary shift so that we can remember we are, each one of us, the solution to the challenges that face us." (Get that, each one of us is the solution to the challenges we face).
So what do we do.
Well we need to love and hug. And this makes me laugh because I was getting myself so passionate about all this last night, there had been a number of coincidences in the day so that I felt truly alive with the message being conveyed and then my 21 month old son presented me with a book at bedtime that made me laugh out loud (I love the magic the Universe with its Divine dancing and how it gets the message home) because it was "Hug Time" by Patrick McDonnell, which reads:
"There was once a kitten so filled with love that he wanted to give the whole world a hug..the world is so big. And yet so small, it's time we embrace it all. There's something that we can all do. Start with the one who's closest to you. Hug time!"
It really is hug time! We need to stop doing and we start being (with ourselves). So many of us have lost our way, filling our lives with distraction, which keeps us going around in circles chasing our tails. We are living out of balance - without connection then - with our authentic self, drowning that inner yearning with all our busyness and need to accumulate material wealth (and with that a false sense of things being ok) and led falsely by the ego who feels separate from the rest of the world. Ha!
The process starts at home with the one who is closest to you...YOU. We need to start by BEING the expression of what we want to see in the world and allow the doing to come from that as an expression, rather than starting with that as our goal.
This means we need to dig deep. We need to get on our yoga mat or our meditation cushion or out in nature, and we need to be quiet and we need to listen. We know deep within how we should be living. It is our deepest yearning. We know what individual God given talents we have within us that need expression for the greater good of the collective, of the world then. It is for us to find the strength and courage to allow them expression.
We need to step beyond the fear. We need to let go of the ego, which tells us we are not good enough. WE ARE ALL GOOD ENOUGH. We are as beautiful as the most beautiful sunset, as magical as the most magical sunrise, we are as magnificent as the most magnificent flower, we are as stunning as the most stunning raindrop. We are all the same. Personification of nature. We need to tap into the heart and forgive and love and forgive and love.
We need to find a way to express ourselves in the world, the dreams, make them real, for if you don't, well then the depression and the sadness and the anger and the blame set in. We destroy ourselves, and in destroying ourselves, we destroy humanity and the world as a whole. It is imperative that we express what most makes us feel alive...As Howard Thurman wrote, "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you feel alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive".
And it goes on...be love and light and happy and peaceful, treat yourself and others will the utmost respect - if you cannot love and respect yourself then how can you love and respect others? See, it is not easy, for many that will be the first stumbling block, but you do deserve it, you deserve to love and respect yourself.
And it won't be easy, the demons are close at hand. But we need to find a way to live in the flow of our intuition with faith in ourselves and in the world as a whole, in the Divine who is dancing to wake us all again...wake up, wake up, wake up, the time is nigh.
Don't let Aylan's death be in vain. Love and forgive and make changes. Be the change you want to see in the world, it really is as simple as that.
With love and light
x
To do that I’m going to have to face down a bunch of demons that tell me to plan, to construct and control and instead listen and wonder and allow myself to be moved to where it is appropriate for me to be. To live a life guided by intuition with faith in myself rather than any pre-presribed plan of what I’m going to do.
- Breaking through to this understanding can raise the consciousness of all of us and open our eyes to an expanded set of possibilities
For a more generalised shift in consciousness to occur, we would have to break through the prisoner’s dilemma that keeps us working towards individual ends, however ultimately unsatisfying that is and allows us to step into something that respects our place as part of the whole and works towards a lighter, more inspired existence. The 1% will need to support each other, such that we can build towards a critical mass, at which point it has the potential to be taken up by the general consciousness and humanity’s understanding of itself can shift.
As always, the process starts at home. It’s about being, rather than doing. I need to start by being the expression of what I want to see and allow the ‘what I do’ bit to come from that as an expression, rather than starting with that as the goal.
To do that I’m going to have to face down a bunch of demons that tell me to plan, to construct and control and instead listen and wonder and allow myself to be moved to where it is appropriate for me to be. To live a life guided by intuition with faith in myself rather than any pre-presribed plan of what I’m going to do.
So, that’s about where I’m up to. The process of dismantling is over. The process of transformation can begin.
Coco-Nutty Granola
My Mum makes this yummy granola for me and as she quite right in saying, "be warned, this is addictive and not the cheapest to make, but soooo good!"
You need:
3 cups coconut chips (Hansa)
2 cups of about 3 or 4 of the following (or your choice) roughly chopped. I put them in clean plastic bag and bash with rolling pin
Almonds
Cashews
Pecans
Brazils
Walnuts
Sunflower seeds
Pumpkin seeds
Flax seeds
2 cups of jumbo oatflakes (optional)
100 – 120 g coconut oil, melted (or butter if you prefer)
3 or 4 tablespoons rice malt syrup
Preheat oven to 350◦F and line one or two baking trays with baking paper.
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl, then spread evenly on the trays. Bake for 10 – 20 minutes, turning every 5 minutes. Bake until it starts to colour (how dark is up to you) and then remove from oven and allow to cool. Store in airtight container(s).
Absolutely delicious with coconut yoghurt, yum, yum!!
The "art" of forgiveness
I forget the exact timings now but it was certainly after I had been going to yoga for a few months or so and had brought Reiki into my life. I was sitting in an office in my new job, bored to tears, and very aware therefore of the constant chatter in my head that reminded me that all was not well in my world.
Those were very unsettled days of my life. I was in a relationship, but I knew it was not going to go anywhere in the long run but we were best friends and I wasn’t ready to let that go. But I had formed an inappropriate relationship with a director with whom I previously worked. It wasn’t sexual or anything like that, but I had fallen in love with his mind, or so I used to tell myself. He made me feel alive. He shared my love of the English language and he brought passion back to the written word.
We spent hours emailing or texting one another discussing the finer points of a sentence structure, or the placing of a comma or a word, and I realised soon that I was stepping into dangerous territory, clearly there were problems in his relationship as much as there were in mine. It was all starting to get a little complicated especially with office politics and other staff and it was quite obvious that it was time for me to move on and find another job – I was bored in the role in any event and the Universe intervened as it does.
I expected that we would continue to communicate but he shut me down just like that. Overnight. No more texts and no more emails. I was distraught. The worst thing was that I could not really tell anyone. Although of course I eventually did, because I was miserable and heart broken and I needed to come clean. Not that there was much to come clean about, “oh yes, I fell in love with my boss’ mind, we share a passion for the English language”…imagine how my boyfriend at the time felt, it is almost worse to have an affair of the mind and heart than an affair of the body. A cliché and yet not a cliché, the story of my life!!
Anyhow, there I was a few months later, still heartbroken and wounded and stuck. Yes, stuck in my life. I mean things had moved on, I had a new job, I was practicing yoga, I was attending a meditation class each week, I was training to be a Reiki practitioner, I had changed my diet, life was moving on, but there was a part of me that could not move on from this broken heart. Time may very well be a healer but I was getting resentful and resentment leads to bitterness which leads to illness – and I had already lost my gallbladder to this at the tender age of 21 over my bitterness of a childhood incident.
So I googled (as you do, or I do, when I know things need to change, something along the lines of “my heart hurts, I am angry, how do I make it better) and up pops some sites and of course I am drawn to one and there I find that answer that I did not even know I was looking for.
Forgiveness.
Now there was a new concept for me. Much like gratitude when I discovered that one, and blessings and joy and all those lovely words and sentiments that begin to appear in your life when you start treading the spiritual path.
Until that point I didn’t even really know what it meant. I mean I understood the word, but in terms of actually forgiving someone, how does one do that?! Well there it was in black and white and it was kind of one of those “ah ha” moments when I realised that the more I held on to the hurt, the more I was going to suffer whereas old Mr Boss man was perfectly fine and dandy carrying on his life no doubt sharing emails with some other poor unsuspecting soul instead.
So all that anger and resentment I was feeling towards him, all that wounded “I am a victim” stuff, was only wounding me. I was breaking my own heart with all that negativity while he was free!!
B***ocks to that!
So somehow or other – and it certainly was not easy – I gradually began to let go and forgive. And with that forgiving, well my life shifted pretty darn quickly. I was out of the black hole and back to life, reaching for the stars, my world became alive again. I moved on. I didn’t stay much longer in that job, it wasa stepping stone in my life, from the full time ladder climbing corporate role I was pleased to leave behind and into a world of travelling and yoga and angels and healing and writing and lightness and all things beautiful and uplifting. Phew.
So when I read this fabulous article entitled “The surprising things I learned from studying my brain on various forms of meditation for 7 days” and written by Vishen Lakhiani, which touched on the power of forgiveness, it all made such perfect sense to me as I could relate to it. Basically the study was all about the fact that even in meditation, one style does not always fit all and he was trying all sorts of techniques to deduce the effect they had on him and everyone else.
The guy who wrote the article was meditating in a chamber with his brain hooked up to a machine which recorded every peak and trough of his brainwaves as he meditated in different ways, so the researches could pinpoint exactly what was working and what was not working by actual bio-feedback.
One of the studies tested the power of forgiveness. The guy had to forgive every single person in his life who had wronged him from teachers to family members, however big or small. And the amazing thing they found was that each time he did a round of forgiveness, his alpha waves would spike. Now alpha waves are associated with high creativity, compassion, insight, forgiveness and love and we kind of want to create more of these waves in our life, well in the world generally, so this was pretty good research.
It follows that meditation, Reiki and Yoga all help us to operate more on this level, and it is fascinating to know (on a scientific level) that these waves increase each time we forgive someone. I mean it makes sense. I felt it, and I am sure many of you have felt it in your own lives, that peace that comes from the simple act of forgiveness.
Needless to say that the people behind the research project discovered that the single biggest factor to supressing alpha waves are holding on to grudges and anger. So if we want to feel lighter and have a greater sense of wellbeing, it is essential that we release every bit of resentment and anger from our whole being and system.
But how do you actually do this? Well I was wondering this myself again this week as a situation presented itself that made me realise I needed to forgive. Basically I caught myself feeling angry and irritated by someone as an annual event drew close, simply because I felt wronged by this individual at this event in the past.
After a few days of sulking and feeling miserable and being caught up in a “victim” behaviour pattern, I realised that it was exhausting and unless I learned to let it go and forgive it was going to continue to clutter my life each time the memory (of the event) was triggered. But how to do this?
Well I knew that it is essentially a fairly straightforward process - more on that later - but I also noticed a resistance on my part to truly let go and forgive the person or the event. I still felt so wronged and if I forgave, well wasn’t that saying to the other person – it is ok that your actions upset me and gave me heart ache?
So I did some google searching and came across this fabulous article by Thomas G Plante entitled “7 Rules of Forgiveness”, which appeared in the online addition of “Psychology Today”. This article suggests seven principles that may assist one in the art of forgiveness and include:
“1. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to forget, too. We don’t forgive and forget at all. People who have been terribly abused, neglected, and victimized don’t forget their traumas and they really don’t need to do so. They can learn to forgive, yet remember quite well.
2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re minimizing your victimization experience. By engaging in forgiveness you aren’t saying “it’s okay…it wasn’t that bad.” Not at all! You can forgive yet still admit that the victimization and trauma was very real and very bad.
3. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re a chump. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, naivete, or foolishness.
4. Forgiveness doesn’t depend upon the other person apologizing and accepting your offer of forgiveness. Sadly, you cannot expect that the person who wronged you can fully understand or appreciate that what he or she did was wrong. They may never admit that they did anything problematic at all. That’s okay, because you can engage in forgiveness for your own benefit, not theirs. You don't need anything from them to forgive them.
5. Forgiveness is a process. Forgiveness isn’t an all-or-none, black-or-white kind of thing. It is a process. You may never be able to completely forgive another person but you can work to get closer to do so. You may never get to the 10 on my 10-point forgiveness scale, but you can turn a 6 into a 7 or to an 8.
6. Forgiveness is for your health and well being. Since research shows that holding onto anger is toxic for your health and well being, and since no one wants to be around those who are chronically angry, bitter, resentful, and unforgiving, then forgiveness is something that you do for you. It is in your best interest to forgive others for their transgressions, not necessarily theirs. You are not engaging in forgiveness to do them a favor, but to do one for yourself.
7. The secret sauce in forgiveness is letting go of anger. In my clinical practice I have treated many people who have been terribly victimized and traumatized by physical, sexual, emotional, and financial abuse. I have also treated many who have been abused by those who should have treated them the most kindly, such as parents, siblings, close friends, and even clerics. Those who do well and cope best in life are those who have found some way to forgive themselves and others. They have worked hard to let go of the anger and resentment and moved on. They don't forget and they don't allow themselves to continue to be victimized. They let go of the anger and choose to forgive (deserved or not).”
Well this article talked volumes to me. I knew all of it to be true, but one forgets in the humdrum of the pain and victimhood.
So I dig deep and I forgave. But how did I do this? Well if you google it I am sure you are going to find many different ways, because one size does not fit all and we have to find our own way. Vishen Lakhiani who I mentioned in the article above, found his own way that led to a spike in his alpha waves and you could try this. I will never know if my method had the same effect on my alpha waves, but I do know that I awoke the next morning feeling lighter, brighter, more positive and energised (well actually I felt tired, but in a ‘good, I have just released something’ kind of way as the weight dropped off my shoulders and chest!).
I chose to discuss the matter with a trusted friend who helped me to recognise that life has moved on since the initial event. I then re-lived the event in my mind so I could feel the effect in my body – the tight chest, the tight jaw, the edgy anger and the weight on my shoulders. I then took myself to mat and resolved that by the end of the practice I wanted to be ready to forgive.
When I finished my practice – having worked things through with my body and breath – I spoke to the angels and verbally stated that I now forgave the individual and the situation, not because I condoned the action, but because I did not want to suffer anymore. And then I opened my heart and I sent distance Reiki healing energy to the individual and to the event for extra healing and then I slept on it, and slept more peacefully than I had done for the week prior to then.
I am not sure that it is always that easy but I think you get to a point, like with everything, where you realise that enough is enough and it really is time to move on. Saying that, I know a few people in my life who continuously resist that point, and you can see it in their faces, and the way it impacts on their life so that they continue to play the role of victim, in fact they have become so used to playing that role, that they do not realise that there is another (happier and peaceful) way for them to be. But that is a whole other story and one left for another time.
So if you recognise that you have some forgiving to do in your own life, however large or small, then have a go, because that act of forgiving, however large or small, will be life changing in some way.
Reference
http://blog.mindvalleyacademy.com/vishen-lakhiani/40-years-of-zen
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/do-the-right-thing/201403/7-rules-forgiveness
"Heal your mind and you will heal your life"
I cannot tell how life changing I found the 8 week mindfulness course run by Chris Robilliard earlier this year. I have known Chris for years and years, he is a beautiful soul - a chiropractor who knows the body inside out and a dedicated Buddhist practitioner who has studied the mind and psychology for many years. He is also a dedicated husband and father and brings with him a wealth of knowledge and experience of living in the real world, with a family a career and a passion for knowing himself and the interconnected world a little better.
Chris is running his next 8 week mindfulness training from 16 September...I can highly recommend...but you need to be able to commit 30 minutes a day for 6 days a week of the 8 week period...but it is time well spent...
To find out more, click here http://thestudio.gg/mindfulness/course-details/
This body of mine, a poem
I’ve tortured this body
of mine. I’ve starved it,
cut it, made it take
drugs that I knew
would be no good for it.
I’ve berated it, hated it, loathed it, been
desperately unkind to it.
I’ve pushed it to the limit on my
yoga mat as much as in life generally.
Yet it has been forgiving and forever
giving. It has borne me
a healthy son, helped
me to travel and see the world,
to surf, climb mountains, to
dance, to practice yoga and
to run.
It has held me when
all else seems to be
falling apart, and it wraps
me up and protects
my heart, my soul,
my very being,
It helps me to see God
and it whispers quietly to
me, love, love, love.
I am finally realising
what a gift, what a blessing
a true joy this body
of mine. Not
separate to me to be constantly
changed and made
different, but to be
accepted as it is with
love and kindness,
compassion and respect.
This is living my
yoga, just being
present within my
body, as it is, without
judgement, in this
moment.
I wrap my arms
around myself and
look anew at the
wonder that is my
body, the vehicle
of my soul in
this lifetime and hold
myself gently for the first time in
years.
Thank you.
(Emma 2015)
Out of head and into body...our imaginings and expectations
I just came across this fabulous quote, which fits marvellously with what has been on my mind recently - expectation. Here it is:
"What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how its supposed to be". The Daily Guru.
Ha, so true!
I was presented with two huge opportunities to learn all about this - firstly trying to conceive and secondly giving birth. Both experiences were completely not what I imagined in my head they were supposed to be. Elijah is now 21 months old and I am finally at the end of processing both of these experiences and will share with you soon...when I have the space to put thoughts into words.
In the meantime, I think this idea of "expectation and imaginings" is an interesting one and I notice it playing itself out in my life quite a bit. In fact one of the greatest, more transformative things I learned from the mindfulness training was indeed how often our imagination and expectation of how things should be does indeed create a huge amount of disharmony in our real life experience.
I see it more clearly in others too. The imagined party. The imagined wedding. The imagined day at the beach. The imagined meal with friends. The imagined body we are going to have once we have perfected that yoga pose, followed that diet, been on that holiday, brought those clothes, blah blah blah, the imagined 'perfect' relationship, the imagined career, the imagined way we want our lives to be.
And then BANG. Reality strikes. Here we are. Us, real. Out of head and into body.
Which brings us back to acceptance of what is happening for us in this moment compared to what we imagined or indeed expected should be happening in our life in that moment.
And the thing is, once we start working with this, once we start trusting in the process, and the flow of the Divine, and get us (yes, us) out of the way, and catch ourselves when we start disappearing down the 'rosy, imagining, everything is perfect' scenario that we play in our head, and let go, therefore, of expectation, well actually it is a very liberating experience. Phew. We are not in control after all. And with that letting go and that trust and that acceptance and all that other stuff, well then there is nothing to fight against. And nothing to get screwed up over. And nothing to complain about. Hoorah. No drama!
Ha, if only it was that easy! ( I have only just stopped complaining about Elijah's birth). Still, it is all about awareness and catching oneself when the imagining and the expectation starts cropping up and reminding oneself to get back into the body, be here, be present...there is a plan...but not as we necessarily imagine or indeed expect it to be...
(This is not to discredit from the power and indeed necessity of nurturing our imagination, more so that we need to be realistic sometimes, about our expectations and about accepting our real life present moment experiences)
Until next time...
x