All things pass
The weather has been glorious the last few days, bright sunshine, what a joy, and the opportunity to practice Yoga in the garden amongst the daisies and the bumble bees.
Nature is abundant in colour these days, the garden is wonderful, thank you to my beautiful boyfriend for his green fingers and ability to embrace nature and enhance it as he does. We have a daisy ring in the garden, a perfect place for my practice, sheltered in the corner, behind the wild grass ecosystem and the lupines, attracting all their bees and the peonies that are simply stunning in their bright colour.
We have been staying at the folks this weekend, on greenhouse and cat sitting duty. It was has been wonderful actually to take to the West coast with its evening sunset light and the garden with all its trees and peaceful energy. The greenhouse has begun producing loganberries and boysenberries and the cherry tree is laden - what a sight, I must take a photo as it won't look like that for long - I have died and gone to heaven, cherries are my favourite fruit and there they are, almost ripe for the picking.
The asparagus are in full abundance too, and the rocket, with so may other vegetables and fruits on their way soon. Thank you Mum and Dad, it is quite some dream you are living there, hard work, as they tend to be!
Wonderful spiritual chatter with good friends these last few days, funny how the answers arrive to the questions that have been running through one's mind. Sometimes we need to realise when it is time to stop searching outside of ourselves for our self, and turn inwards to our own wisdom instead. Others can guide, prompt, inspired and enhance the light, but they cannot do the work for us, only we can really make the transformation and everlasting change in our own lives, with our own two hands, if that is indeed what we want.
And on the flip side, we can spend our whole life caretaking others, trying to help them to heal and to change, to see the light again, but there comes a time when we must realise that only that person who can make the difference in his/her life is that person, and what right do we have to conclude that that other person is not already perfect just as they are, warts and all. For life is what it is. We are who we are. In the words of Max Ehrmann, "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; You have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should".
For those of you who have been feeling emotional and challenged these last few days, the new moon has now passed (as all things pass- the moon is a great reminder of this) and with it the winds have eased and the weather has changed, the dust will now settle and with it the peace will return.
Go gently, be at peace with your self.
xxx
Keep peace with your soul.
What a joy to see the sun so much this week, such a relief to top up on vitamin D, amazing how much better is can make us feel after all the gloom over the last few months.
I am very excited by the later and lighter evenings too as we build up to the solstice in a few weeks time, how amazing! I was fortunate (I think!!) to wake to see the sun rising yesterday morning, bright red/orange it was, quite incredible. In fact the night before I had been fortunate to catch sunset from a friend's house too. And actually now I think about it E and I saw the sunset behind Lihou on Tuesday too, sadly I forgot my camera, although maybe that is a good thing as you see it directly instead. Still, the world is awash with beauty and abundance, just look at the gardens and the incredible Guernsey hedgerows, I am so proud to live on this wonderful Island, not so many places you can so easily see the sun rise and sun set over the sea in the same day.
Last night we had the most incredible storm that has cleared the air and changed the energy a little, good timing too as it is a new moon tomorrow, Capricorn too, read here for an insight from Rebekah Shaman...http://us4.campaign-archive1.com/?u=bf3182281c10722c7eea99902&id=8496c96f1b&e=eae0fe6be6
I am 16 weeks pregnant now and feeling much better, the sickness has eased and while my energy levels are a little challenged due to a iron deficiency (common in pregnant ladies, especially vegetarian ones), I am feeling much better, hoorah, and with the sun shining and flowers blossoming, life is good, especially as it is soon the weekend!!!
It has been a wonderful week of Yoga, I have been inspired by so many of the students who come to class, such commitment and patience and humour too. Thank you everyone.
Some of you may have seen this before, or read it on the facebook page, but I thought I would share it here as I just love it...do keep peace with your soul...
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Have a lovely weekend, enjoy the bounties of nature and the sunshine.
xxxx
Helping the spirit to shine!
A few of us stayed behind after class one Thursday recently
to discuss the joys, or not, of the dreaded morning sickness and one lady said
to me that she just awoke one morning in her second trimester and just felt
amazing, no sickness and tons of energy, as if she could do anything. Well I have been taking much strength from
her comments and waiting for that day to arrive, the much talked about
honeymoon period!
I think we are almost there.
I was fortunate to enjoy a Reiki session on Friday (thank you Jo) and
this seems to have helped enormously in shifting things a little, so that I
feel almost human again, still tired, but the sickness has eased, hoorah!! Had helped me to feel brighter too, not that
I realised I wasn’t feeling bright, but Reiki certainly helps to balance the
energy and leaves one feeling mentally, physically and spiritually cleaner and clearer
somehow. It is just such a wonderful energy
and the baby is certainly enjoying his/her daily Reiki that I do throughout the
day!!
I was able to do a full practice in the garden on Saturday
too, now that was a joy, in the sunshine with the daisies adorning the lawn and
the simple sounds of the many birds playing around in these lanes, it makes you
feel so pleased to be alive, connected, grounded and part of the bigger
whole. Just to be able to move one’s
body and breathe with awareness without feeling sick is a miracle too, so there
really has been a shift, hoorah, and with the summer ahead it is all rather
exciting.
We even managed to make the most of the sunshine and went
over to Herm on Sunday. How wonderful to
finally get to sunbathe on the beach on my own, while E and his Mum went for a
long walk around the Island. I do so
love Herm, it has its own special energy and indeed microclimate, so that you
feel you are truly getting away from it all (despite the crowds of people!) and
getting some much needed sun and Vitamin D in the process. Can’t wait to camp over there next time.
A really lovely midwife visited at 12 weeks, just after we
got back from Thailand. Admittedly there
was an awful lot of fear in a lot of the information presented to me, but at
least one has a choice, and one is supported in home birthing over here
too...inevitably there is a criteria to meet, but the home birthing option is on the increase, so
this can only be good for those who want to stay at home.
I admit it was all a little overwhelming back then, scans
and tests and all sorts of things of things to consider, let alone one’s actual
birthing options. I have read
extensively the last few weeks, Sarah Buckley, Ina May and Pam England, as well
as speaking to some friends who have given birth in Guernsey at home and I feel
a little more confident and comfortable in my own choices. It really has been eye opening though, and I
am amazed about the level of fear that exists in childbirth and indeed
childbearing too.
I can’t help thinking how incredible it is that women have
managed to give birth to so many babies over the years and populated the world
as much as they have, given all the supposed medical risks that come with
bearing and birthing of a child.
Personally I have never viewed birthing as a medical procedure, although
I am only too aware that some women do require the intervention of the medical
profession to ensure that their babies and indeed they survive the whole experience
unscathed.
I could waffle on here for some time about all I have
learned and my opinion as things stand, but I have also learnt that pregnancy
and birthing are a very subjective and personal experience that needs to sit
comfortably with each lady, and while I am fully supportive of tapping into the
spiritual experience of both, I appreciate that not everyone is on this earth
feels the same way as me, we are all different and each here to live our lives
in our own ways. As long as we make
informed, conscious decisions about the choices we are making for ourselves,
our babies and our families, then that can only help to encourage more harmony
in the world.
And this leads me on to a couple of conversations I have had
this week with a few different friends that have all, essentially, revolved
around the subject of loving oneself and the manner in which this lack of love
for oneself plays such a huge role in our experience of life.
It is really rather common, I have some experience having spent
much of my twenties and my early thirties not liking myself. It was like having a parrot on each shoulder,
the good one and the bad one, more often than not you don’t get to hear the
good one for the bad one is so loud and vocal in telling you how stupid, ugly,
fat, waste of space, useless person etc that you are. Like you are never good enough, not good
enough for that job, for that boyfriend, for that house, for that way of
living, on and on and on and on. It is
exhausting, truly exhausting.
It makes me almost laugh now really, to think that that bad
voice, the dark side of the ego, can have such a control. It manifests in all sorts of ways, eating disorders,
not extreme necessarily but enough to spend time, day in day out, obsessing
about food and how you feel about yourself, giving yourself away too easily to
others, beating yourself up constantly, compulsive disorders, living lives that
are not true to you or indeed your nature, killing yourself softly inside.
It is a tricky place to be, this place where the dark side
has taken root, so that you cannot hear the soft whisperings of your heart,
your soul then, the angels that are trying to pull you out and show you the
light. Sometimes the pain is so deep
that you just cannot let it go. It
defines you. You become your pain. You can numb it of course, eat too much,
drink too much alcohol, smoke, take drugs – legal and illegal, work too hard, all
sorts of addictions but it is still there, deep down, eating away at you
inside.
You can see it in people, those who have lost their way,
some more than others, there is a darkness, a blackness, a lot of black clothes
actually, hiding away, insignificant, no joy to share, no colour in the world,
the world has failed you somehow, God, the angels, the Universe, what a load of
rubbish all that is. Sunken hearts,
rounded shoulders, inability to maintain eye contact, heavy energy, anxiety,
depression, negativity, scattered thinking, restlessness, tiredness, constant
illness on and on.
There is a separation between body and mind, here is my
body, here is mind, here is the world, all; separate from one another, alone,
drifting, somewhere. No connection. I have been there, to some dark places where
the voice has been strong. And now, I wonder how it can be that we can experience
such disconnectedness. It is no surprise
when we are there that we almost give up on life, living, some do actually,
give up, give in.
Asked how one finds their way back, well it is difficult to
say, because we are all so different and what works for me may not work for
others. Our experiences that have
created the voice inside are different too, what we are dealing with is
personal in its story, but then perhaps the story isn’t important, for often we
can get stuck there, in that story, with all its blame and anger and
frustration and resentment, which doesn’t help anyone to move forward – it does
us no favours to stay stuck in the past.
Yoga has helped enormously in my life – postures, breathing,
meditation, mudras, chanting, Yoga Nidra, all sorts of techniques and practices. By its very nature, it helps one to recognise
and indeed experience the connection of mind and body, the thwo are so interconnected that it seems
strange to me to think of them being separate, as if you could separate them!. Further, Yoga helps to lead us back to the
heart of the matter, to our heart and to the heart of the world – our spirit
then. It seems to me that this is the
bit we really forget, perhaps because we don’t understand it, or are fearful of
it, our soul, its there, no dogma, why be scared?
As I healed so I heard the whisperings of my heart, my soul,
with its wisdom and guidance, its knowingness.
As I healed so the colour returned to life, so I ditched the black and
sought colour and light, so the world was full of beauty, of life, everything
became clearer, brighter, connected and of course there was support, from the
earth, from the Universe, from all the earth angels around us. It really can be so magical, this world we
live in.
Reiki helped me enormously too, the lovely universal energy
of unconditional love, helping to heal the pains from the past, awakening the
heart space, balancing the imbalances within, quietening the voice from the
darkness of the solar plexus so that I could actually hear the heart
again. Others find reflexology, massage,
crystal therapy, acupuncture, all sorts of holistic treatments. Homeopathy and Ayurveda were hugely helpful
to me too, not least for the opportunity to talk and hear the words you are
saying said back to you but also for the remedies and herbs that help to shift
things energetically.
There are books, Louise Hay, Doreen Virtus, Brandon Bays, Deepak
Chopra, Dalai Lama, Pemba Chrodron, Marianne Williamson, Caroline Myss, Eckhart
Tolle and on and on. Buy some rose quartz
and amethyst, bring them into your environment, get out in nature, sit quietly,
hear the birds, watch the sea breaking onto the shore, get your feet in water
and allow them to sink into the earth, watch the sun set and rise the following
morning, speak to trusted friends and family.
Of course you need to want to help yourself first. You need to want to get out of that place
where we blame others for what is not working in our lives and within
ourselves. We need to take responsibility
for the self and for our own healing. We
need to forgive – “Let go of anger and resentment, and feel yourself
healed. You don’t need to forgive the
action, just the person – so that you can be at peace” (Doreen Virtue).
You will find that asking for help is sometimes all it
takes, an acceptance then. And once you
have asked for help – to the Universe, to the space you are sitting in – be open
to receiving it. You will notice help
immediately, books may literally jump out at you, earth angels will present themselves,
look out for coincidences (there is no such thing), signs, do not ignore things
that happen three times, notice the white feathers and the robins, which will
start appearing for these are all guides, helping you to realise that you are
not alone, that you are supported, you are on the path.
Perhaps we need to learn to love and accept the self as it
is, all over again, unconditionally. They
say, how is it possible to ever love others if we have not yet learned to love
the self? Perhaps better to say, how can
we love and accept others unconditionally until we have learned to love and
accept ourselves unconditionally first.
It is not easy, that dark voice does not drop away over night, but
slowly, slowly, it dims, and the light grows brighter instead and eventually
the light overshadows the darkness and you catch yourself before the darkness
has a chance to ever take root again.
There is this beautiful angel card, one of Doreen Virtue’s
that reads;
“Sometimes it seems that our thoughts choose us, but this is
never the case. We always choose our
thoughts – every moment. Our thoughts
always have an effect, and there are no neutral thoughts. One-half second before you hold a thought,
you decide to hold it. So, with
practice, you can learn to monitor and alter your thoughts. This is the equivalent of putting your hands
on the steering wheel of your life. You
may believe that your concentration abilities are impaired, yet the infallible
mind of God is within your own mind. You
can experience remarkable feats of concentration by affirming “I am now able to focus my mind at will. I hold only loving thoughts, and my angels
act as my gatekeepers in establishing a steady stream of thoughts of love”.
There is so much more I could say, about planting seeds and
samskara and healing those deep grooves, the habitual thinking and behaviour
patterns, how essentially one does need to transform, but really it is simple,
you must try and listen to the heart, allow it to guide you to people, places,
treatments, earth angels, to those who can help you back on the path and into the
light again and you must not buy into negative thinking, or give up when the
going gets tough.
For it will get tough, there will be obstacles and red
herrings, but they are there to make you stronger, to help to strengthen then
the connection you have to the self, to the world, to the Universe as a
whole. And you will be supported, you
only have to ask for help and be willing to accept it when it presents itself
to you. You are worthy, you do deserve
to feel wonderful, happy, whole, healed, to enjoy your life and be present within
it.
I shall leave you with this wonderful poem by Marianne
Williamson,
“Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask
ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually,
who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant
to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that
is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our
own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates
others.”
Enjoy the
sunshine and let the spirit shine! xxx
The first trimester
We found out
I was pregnant the day before the annual Yoga & Wellbeing retreat I run on
the beautiful Island of Herm. I knew I
was pregnant, I had been able to feel through my hands the energy of new life
within me from inception of the embryo.
But of course I still managed to get myself really wound up so that I
didn’t sleep the day before I did that glorious little test and saw the stick
say “pregnant” and tell me how many weeks.
Amazing isn’t it, no blue lines anymore, how things change!
It was of
course a glorious relief, although strangely I had not considered that the test
would have been anything but positive.
We had done everything asked of us by the book, so that it seemed
inevitable that we would get the positive result. Sadly this is not the case for so many
couples and I have only respect for their ability to pick themselves up and
start again.
Fertility,
or infertility then, is such an incredibly stressful experience for so
many. When you are struggling to
conceive all you can see are mothers with babies and it seems that the whole
world has somehow conspired against you. It is ever so easy to fall into the
“why me” zone of self pity, but as I was wisely advised by one of my closest
friends who had also experienced difficulties, this is the worst thing you can
do to yourself. Catch the self pity and
transform it into positive energy.
There is
this wonderful book that a very kind friend sent to me called “The Stork Club”
by Imogen Edwards-Jones, which is a really helpful read. It may make you both laugh and cry and give
you some hope if it seems rather bleak out there at the time. There are a plethora of online chat sites
where women share their experiences of the whole journey of conception,
although I did my best to avoid these as the single most important thing to me
was not to buy into any fear and these sites are full of exactly that. You have to immerse yourself in positivity,
you really do.
In any event
there we were, in Herm, finally pregnant.
I am delighted with the timing for it means the bean was immersed in the
wonderful world of Yoga and wellbeing from the beginning. I am all into the vibration of energy and
keeping that light, so that you too are light, and I guess I am interested to
see the effect that this has on the bean.
Thankfully in those early days I didn’t really feel any effects within
myself apart from the vibration of the growing embryo, to which I shall always
be thankful to Reiki for providing me with the opportunity to feel energy like
this.
This
happened again in Australia, my brother Ross and I were driving the Great Ocean
Road together and for some reason we got into an argument about something. I was driving and I got so angry with him
that I literally stopped the road in this town, got out of the car and started
stamping my feet at the side of the road because I was so fuelled with anger I
had to get rid of it from my body somehow, before bursting into tears and sat
there calming myself down, with people looking on and my brother totally
thrown. We laugh about it now.
So anyway, E
has not seen me have an anger attack, because I don’t get them anymore, I guess
I have worked out that anger through years of hip opening poses in Yoga (that
is where it literally “sits” for me), Reiki and intensive massage therapy. So it was a bit of a shock to him when we
were returning home from a visit to the shops and a packet of organic ginger
oat biscuits (bought to ease my morning sickness) fell from my arms as I was
struggling to open the front door, and I just lost it, I kicked this packet of
ginger biscuits into the house, picked them up, went into the kitchen and
proceeded to throw them around, stamp on them, absolutely destroy them, with E
not having a clue what was going on, to then feel the calmness return as I
swept up the remains of biscuits that was now littering the floor! E laughed about that with everyone for weeks
to come. Hormones!
So yes, those
early days, say week 6 to week 9 were indeed challenging for my hormones were
all over the place and I would find myself crying at the smallest things. I tend to avoid the news and violent or
distressing films/programmes anyway, but during this period I would get upset
watching the most stupid things. I was also incredibly irritable and snappy. It was confusing because Yoga had provided me
with an opportunity to mange my emotional and mental state, but here I felt I
had digressed to the person I was when I was in my twenties. It was rather disturbing because I wasn’t
sure how long this state of being would last.
We were
fortunate to have early pregnancy scans.
I say fortunate because the jury is out as to whether these may actually
harm the foetus, but we felt we had little choice, so there was no point me
researching this too much. Some times in
life ignorance is indeed bliss. In any event it was indeed rather amazing to
see this heart beat, only one heart beat as it turned out, on the screen. The bean was indeed alive and alone in there.
Those weeks
were testing. People say to you how your
life will change when you have children, but I believe your life changes the
day you decide to have children, let alone the day you give birth to them. I find it rather entertaining how people will
say with some trepidation in their voice that our lives will never be the same
again and we comment to ourselves how that is exactly the point, we want our
lives to change, so that we are not doing the same thing in ten years that we
are doing now, we want to get out of our comfort zone and take on the
responsibility of a new being in this world.
Pregnancy offers a huge
opportunity for transformation. For
while I may have attempted to continue life as I had always known it; I quickly
realised this was not going to be possible. And actually there is some joy in
that. Even my body was changing, all of a sudden I actually needed the support of bras, now that was a revelation!! Still it wasn't all fun, fun, fun and despite the fact I was essentially living a dream, I couldn't shake this depressed feeling for about a week in those early days, hormones are powerful things!!
The sickness
was a challenge, not so much morning sickness as the name has you believe, but
all day sickness, in waves too. Teaching
Yoga was actually a blessing for it distracted me from the intense nausea I was
feeling. Sadly not so sitting at a desk
in the office that was when it was at its worst. It is ironic really that the sickness tends
to be concentrated at the time in pregnancy that you can’t tell anyone, and yet
the time you really should tell people, so they may understand the reason
everything is a bit of a challenge for you!
My diet
changed. For years I have been
insensitive to dairy products but that is all I craved and strangely during
those few weeks I didn’t react to them
as I had done in the past. Salt too and
bread, I haven’t eaten bread for a long time but this has been a saviour to me. This was actually a huge lesson to me in
truly listening to the body and overriding the mentality that told me whether
foods were deemed “good” for me, or “bad”.
It wasn’t about good or bad, it was about what my body needed in that moment.
Admittedly I
did struggle with the craving for fruit flavoured mentos! I can’t remember the last time I ate sweets,
they are not something I generally consider suitable for putting in one’s
mouth, but there you go, pregnancy is a law upon itself!! In Thailand, where we were on holiday from
week 9 to 11, I just could not stomach the Thai food that was cooked for us by
the Thai ladies in the villa every day.
It was such a shame. Even to this
day the thought of sticky mango rice makes me feel incredibly sick!
Thankfully
we were able to source Western food so it was toast for breakfast, goat’s
cheese and tomato sandwiches with salted crisps for lunch, salted nuts, and
rice with vegetables in the evening. It
sounds rather healthy now I see it in black and white but at the time it felt
anything but that as it was such a shift in my diet and especially as I was
generally chain drinking fizzy lime drinks and ginger ale with tons of ice
throughout the day!
Back home in
the UK, we were in Euston station awaiting
a train across to North Wales and I couldn’t decide which sandwich to buy. The fact I was even buying a sandwich was a
big deal to me and I kept going from one sandwich shop to the other looking at
what was on offer. Essentially all I
wanted was the roast beef sandwich, which of course is a little strange for a
vegetarian! This desire for meat carried on for a few weeks (which bemused E no
end) so I tried to increase my iron consumption in other ways!
Talking to
my friends and other ladies with children, this craving thing is very common
and it amuses me what ladies are drawn to eat.
It seems that dairy products are a commonality, hardly surprising when
you consider the fact you need that extra calcium for the baby to grow bones
etc. I did notice that during the time the
bones are calcifying, was the time I particularly craved the dairy products,
which fascinated me no end. I can’t
account for the desire for “junk” food at a time when the baby is forming
organs and all sorts of sensitivities, but assume there is some reason to it –
I have been assured that the baby takes the nutrients it needs from you first,
so I guess it is ultimately you that suffers in the end!
In any event
from 9-11.5 weeks of pregnancy, Thailand came at a really good time, not least
to be able to have the opportunity to rest, but also to relax and enjoy some
sunshine, family time and time to bond with the life growing within me. I swam a lot, it eased the sickness, and I took myself off the Yoga platform most days
and while my meditation practice has certainly been challenged with the
sickness, I was able to move gently and sit for a very short while before lying
and channelling Reiki to the growing baby – it certainly helps with the
bonding.
Talking of
bonding, throughout the pregnancy and helped of course by the scans we had
seen, we have been following the progress of the baby’s growth through baby
centre (www.babycentre.co.uk), quite amazing to reflect on the size of the little
bean and the affect he/she was having on me.
E still continues to laugh about the amount of food he/she needs when
he/she is smaller than the palm of my hand.
It is fab to get weekly updates and learn a little more about the
changes taking place in you as well as the baby.
The
travelling back home from Thailand was challenging for me, I would not recommend long haul
travel during the first trimester to others.
It messes even more with your hormonal balance, or imbalance and the
sickness was really unpleasant. Our trip
back was not helped by the fact I experienced stomach cramps the day after our
arrival in the UK when we were across near the border with North Wales for a
wedding. The cramping came on very
suddenly in the morning and was accompanied with a discharge that was out of
the ordinary.
Strangely I
had read an article in one of those trashy magazines about miscarriage the day
before on our train journey. - see how our fears can manifest so quickly! Needless to
say feeling particularly tired and jet lagged and incredibly vulnerable I
panicked that I was indeed miscarrying and so we visited the nearest
a&e. The doctor was very pragmatic,
my symptoms sounded like a miscarriage but there was absolutely nothing they
could do for me, it was a bank holiday so there was no chance of scanning for a
few days and even then, well if one is going to miscarry, having a scan is
going to make no difference to the outcome.
It was a bit
of a scary day and back at the hotel I found myself on the internet researching
my symptoms, which I really wouldn’t recommend you do, one sight will ease the
stress while another will make it ten times worse – I have tried to avoid this
since. Needless to say I was on edge
most of the day and was particularly fearful of going to the toilet and seeing
red blood. Thankfully none came and it became quite clear throughout the day
that there was something else going on here and as it happened I ended up with
a stomach bug instead, a little present I had brought back with me from
Thailand.
Sadly the
fear that accompanies the thought of miscarriage stayed with me for some
time. It is unusual for me to taste fear
like this and I had to really go within and face it head on to release the hold
it was having over me - I am very aware that the more you fear something, the more it will present itself to you, hence the joy of Yoga in helping us to address our fears through our practice. I turned to
flower essences too, white chestnut was recommended by Zita West, a well known
fertility expert and I have to say it helped enormously and I would recommend
this to others.
It is crazy really as it all comes down to
trust and faith, but that aside when you have been challenged on the conception
journey, and with friends who have miscarried and with a best friend who sadly had a
stillbirth at full term, one is very aware of the fragility of life in these
early days. The sickness became a
blessing where once it was draining. It
is incredible how our perception of something can change so dramatically
depending upon our experience of it – another reminder to avoid judging until
you have been in that position yourself.
For me this
whole episode was a real wake up call. It
is all very well being strong and carrying on life as usual – I played netball
for the Island vets against Jersey, albeit only for 15 minutes, but all the
same I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time – but life is not as usual. The one thing I continue to learn is the need
to slow down and be gentle, soften then, pregnancy encourages a softening. And here was my reminder to do exactly that.
It changed
my Yoga practice significantly, in fact I wasn’t able to practice for a few
days, which in itself is a rarity. While we were in Thailand, I had managed to
get to two Yoga classes in Chiang Mai, one was a general class which I adapted
and another was a gentle class which the teacher made pregnancy friendly for
me. The penny was already dropping
during these classes that perhaps I needed to back off a bit, but this little
scare was the icing on the cake and the message was loud and clear.
This isn’t
to say that one has to temper one’s practice the whole way through pregnancy, I
still remember one of my students practicing crow pose (her choice after all)
the morning of the evening she gave birth and in Byron I remember seeing a very
pregnant lady in handstand against the wal.
But I do believe that in those early months, when the baby is literally
forming within you and the placenta is developing too, that you should honour
this new life and provide it with a gentle, gentle space to thrive.
Upon
reflection the stomach bug provided me with an opportunity to totally slow down
that first week and catch up on sleep, something I needed after the exhausting
nature of long haul travel. You see that
is another thing, you feel so tired all the time, and it is a tiredness that
you cannot push through as I am so used to doing ordinarily. I have to go to
bed much earlier than I have ever done.
And I have noticed that if I am tired one day and don’t sleep well, then
the next day the sickness is worse. The body is very clever in making you listen
and essentially slow down.
Almost 12 weeks
and back home in Guernsey, I returned to find a booking for a visit from the
midwife and a booking for the 12 week scan.
This was a whole new world to me and one that was initially a little
overwhelming. You see I do not believe
in the medicalisation of birth per se but I had been so focused on simply getting
pregnant and getting through the first trimester that I hadn’t given much
thought to what was to happen after then.
Still, that can wait until another time.
Every day I
give thanks for the life inside me and can’t believe my luck that this is really
actually happening to us. With much gratitude
again to all those wonderful beings who have helped to make this possible and
to all those wonderful beings who provide such loving and supporting energy to me, E and our
bean, we are both so excited.
xxxxxx
I am pregnant!
I am pregnant. Three simple words I have longed to be able to say for so very long now. I almost struggle to believe it is happening, finally, to us, E and I!
And the most ironic thing is that until that point of deciding you are going to go for it, you have spent all those years trying not to go for it. Well at least the potential father of your children has spent all those years making sure that there is absolutely no risk of any babies appearing without his consent. So successfully it seems that reversing that process can indeed be quite challenging!
And as for the spiritual and indeed conscious conception, well that’s another matter altogether. I had visions of following the Ayurvedic way of doing things, a bit of a ritual really, taking a lovely bath together with candles and aromatherapy oil, rose petals, soft light, that sort of thing, conscious conception, inviting a beautiful soul in.
Of course the reality is far removed from that vision (it is still there though, you never know!), what with ovulation sticks and perceived peak times, unromantically dragging your partner to bed, insisting that over the course of the next 24 hours we have to do this lots, if not constantly. What threw me was his reaction to this. I figured it was every man’s dream, you know, your partner saying fill your boots, here I am, go for it.
But alas not and I know that I am not alone, talking to friends they all shared a similar experience. It must be the pressure or something that makes the whole “perfect timing” moment more of a chore than a life changing, earth shattering spiritual experience. In fact the whole thing was rubbish and the more the months ticked by without any success, the more the whole thing became one big dreaded event!
To help do my bit to help things along, I started seeing my Ayurvedic doctor in Brighton again. She is a wonderfully wise and spiritual Sri Lankan lady who specialises in fertility and has quite a following of clients in the UK. I took some disgusting tasting herbs for a few months and strictly followed my Ayurvedic diet to try and create the perfect inner conditions for conception to take place. I supported all this with regular Reiki, reflexology and massage from lovely friends who are local therapists.
I guess it all depends on your perspective, but if you are a tiny bit spiritual then you may appreciate the wisdom of the ancient Tibetan Buddhist and Ayurvedic texts that positively encourage both man and women to be in a good shape spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally, the women establishing a regular menstrual cycle and be well connected to the vitality in her body. This means looking intimately at ourselves and at our rubbish and doing what we can to heal past pains and hurts, essentially ridding ourselves of that extra baggage, before we impart some of it on to the new life we are bringing into the world.
But life has a habit of throwing obstacles along the spiritual path and here was one for us. While the Ayurvedic herbs may have helped with healing past wounds, no amount of herbs was going to help us conceive without a little bit of extra help from the medical world on which I have turned my back so many times over the years. So here was my first and indeed second lesson too, ah yes, accepting that sometimes things don’t go the way you planned and being open to receiving help from the medical world.
You have to laugh. All these experiences are blessings in disguise. It may not feel like it at the time and I did my fair share of crying and moping around as I struggled to accept the reality of life at that time. But it strengthened my faith. I didn’t doubt that we would one day have children, but I just hadn’t figured that we would have to overcome so many obstacles in the way.
I spent a lot of time on my own on my Yoga mat where I established a committed daily meditation practice, which helped to strengthen my mind in ways I had not experienced previously. I practiced a lot of Yoga Nidra to the beautiful sound of an Australian friend’s voice that helped enormously in keeping the faith high. So too my asana practice, which took on a renewed dynamic direction, which helped me to deal more calmly with the challenges life was presenting.
I took myself off on a few Yoga retreats, which provided a wonderful opportunity to immerse myself in the Yoga energy and enjoy some much needed time to myself. I received regular acupuncture with the wonderful Andre Sidner, for whom I shall be eternally grateful – it made such a difference. Now I look back it was all preparation really. It took time. Another lesson presented - patience, oh how I have had to learn this one over the last few years. It is a big one, especially in this day and age of instant gratification.
So you see it wasn’t all glum. In fact I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was our personal journey, E and I. It has deepened our relationship with ourselves, each other, our family and our closest friends. Priorities have changed, although I still don’t get to play “all that airy fairy” music in the car when we are together, and E doesn’t entirely buy into that whole “but it will positively affect the bean growing in my tummy” thing. But we laugh.
We also appreciate that we are not alone, far from it in fact. Interestingly when you do start to talk about the challenges you have experienced, you find that other couples have gone through it themselves, some having to overcome far more challenges than we have done. I have noticed that there is sadly a lot of stigma attached to fertility issues that people just don’t know what to say, which is a shame, because sometimes talking to others helps enormously in fuelling the positive energy.
And here we are, hoorah, finally on our way to realising our dream. It may not have been all rose petals and essential oils, but ironically (how the Universe laughs) the conception of our little bean was even more conscious than I could ever have imagined - a miracle no less.
Mind blowing too that a combination of my love and E’s loves has created new life, that we have invited in a soul and that soul have chosen us. I can feel the presence growing in my tummy and every day I awake and feel grateful to have this little bean inside me, a part of us both. And while the sickness is indeed challenging, well I wouldn’t have it any other way. But more of that later.
With much gratitude to all you wonderful souls who have helped in so many beautiful ways.
xxxx
It was meant to be!
My Mum took a trip down memory lane and came across this photo of me when I was little. She says I used to do this a lot - funny really as I was only thinking last night how much of my life I still spend in this position - must have been hard wired into there from the start! Amazing really, how the seed is planted from such a young age. I have no doubt we are always encouraged along the path of destiny, should we choose to live in harmony with our soul. Not always easy, a lot of lessons to learn along the way. But I like to think that there are times in our lives where we can sit back and start to see the bigger picture, how the bits of the jigsaw fit together. There is so much potential. It really is a wonderful world we live in.
Absolutely loved the class last night, lovely to see everyone again, had not realised quite how much I had missed that environment, may have accounted for my subdued mood last week! Nothing quite like the energy of a Yoga room, I always leave the class feeling so much lighter than when I arrived, full of that lovely peaceful energy that our combined energy fields create. You cannot put a price on this joyful experience. There is so much more to us than we can see.
And so the rains return to nourish the earth, it is going to be looking even more lush and green out there by the end of this week!
Love and light to one and all.
With much gratitude and thanks
x
Happy new moon! x
Back in the UK it feels so cold after the heat of Thailand. Sadly I brought a bug back with me that has left me feeling rather under the weather, a bit of shame really as it meant I wasn't feeling my best for Cerys and Craig's wedding near Shrewsbury last weekend. Lovely part of the country though, especially popping over into North Wales and enjoying the ambiance of the river and energy of Llangollen. I love Wales!
Back here in Guernsey and it has been strange not teaching all week, but a necessity as I have been in bed very early most nights and only able to entertain the gentlest of practices myself. Being ill really does make you listen to your body more than you already thought you were doing. I am thankful for grapefruit seed extract, which kills all the bad bugs without killing the good bugs like antibiotics do.
Returning to Guernsey, albeit ill and cold, was a joy, what with the beautiful Spring landscape and all my wonderful soulful friends to lighten the energy again. Driving through Talbot Valley to visit my parents last Monday was just an incredible experience - not least the angle of the sun and the play of light on the leaves in the trees and all that colour of bluebells and red campions but so too the sheep and lambs playing in the field below, if you live in Guernsey and haven't seen them, then go and have a look, it will certainly out you off wanting to eat them!!
It was Liberation Day yesterday, a chance to commemorate our peace and freedom, facilitated by all those brave men and women. My grandfather was one of the military police directing the troops off the boats on the beaches of Normandy. he had to wear bright white gloves so was essentially a standing target. Thankfully it wasn't his time and he lived to tell the tale - not for many years mind, it was only when my brother was about 14 and asked him whether he had been part of the Normandy landings that he admitted to it. You just can't imagine can you, the fear that that generation had to live through and without all the counselling and support networks that we have available to us now. With so much gratitude and respect xxx
So here we are, early to mid May, the sun is shining, the wind is blowing, it is a new moon today! Here is what Rebekah Shaman has to say about it:
"Over the winter months we have been getting to know ourselves more while sowing our seeds of desire. This new moon signifies the start of the summer season and the growth, fertility and vitality this incurs.
Now, under the Taurus moon, we start seeing the signs of progress and a piecing together of all the threads that make up who we are. It brings structure to our intentions, strengthens our foundations and manifests our action, helping us shape our ideas into more tangible, physical forms.
It reminds us that we are surrounded by abundance. Mother earth is here to support us to realise our dreams, just as she supports the natural world around us. Resources seem to be more available to us, and the clearer we are of what we want the easier it will be to create it in our lives. This is the time to let the magic of life flow you to the right people and connections that can help you manifest your visions.
Taurus brings a sense of patience and order, and shows us that everything is happening and coming together in perfect timing. Synchronicities abound during this moon and we can find ourselves and our projects revitalised, motivating us to keep going, especially if the last few months have been a hard slog.
Ruled by Venus, this moon heightens our senses so we can enjoy the physical and sensual beauty that surrounds us, feeling the pleasure and passion of being alive more deeply. This is a good time to spend with friends, enjoying the company of others and the connections and inspirations that only comes from sharing yourself and your ideas with the world, (so say yes to the invitations you are hesitating about).
So enjoy the energy as you let the magic of life flow you like a river to manifesting your dreams. It is all out there, we just need to be clear. This is where Yoga helps enormously, it helps to rid the clutter and rubbish that prevents us from being clear.
Happy times, embrace the energy and feel alive!
xxxxx
Ah the joy of Thailand and the simplicty of life
Our trip to northern Thailand with the family was wonderful. It was hot though, upper 30s, which was challenging, having come from such a cold winter here in Guernsey. Still we were lucky as we were staying in a wonderful villa up in the hills, a 45 minute drive from Chiang Mai, with this wonderful outdoor pool. So we spent much of our time in and out of the pool from 8.30am to 8pm.
There was also this wonderful Yoga Shala on a hill a short walk from the villa itself. It offered views of the mountains in the distance and a gentle breeze so that it made for a wonderful asana practice surrounded as you were by nature in all its beauty and with all its sounds and indeed smells.
How wonderful to see my brother Ross again and also to meet his daughter Willow, who has grown quite a bit in the year since I last saw her. Now 15 months she is rather active, in fact she doesn't stop. Apparently her Mum and I were like that when we were babies so I guess she has it in her genes. This made for an active time for the grandparents who helped to follow her around the garden and play with her in the swimming pool. What a joy.
We were blessed with such kind hearted staff who work in the villa, preparing meals for us and making sure that we didn't want for anything. This was quite a challenge on our part as we still found ourselves helping to clear up etc but they were quick to usher us away. In the end we had too accept that this was their job and us helping was actually not helping them at all.
We did venture out a few times. I went to a lovely yoga class at Wild Rose Yoga in the old town of Chiang Mai. This is a wonderful little studio hidden away. It was quite a challenge to find, which made it all the more enjoyable when we did. I also went to a class with Star, my brother's girlfriend, at Yoga Tree, just outside of the old city and was delighted to find that Esther was teaching, this is a lady I met a few years ago on a retreat in Bali. Strange how small the world is sometimes, but I guess it was inevitable as I had been thinking of her for days before she manifested there in front of my eyes.
One day E and I ventured out with the folks and Star's parents to join Alex, a local British guide, on a trip into a national park where we paddled in a refreshing river before going on a 2 hour walk up the highest mountain in Thailand. I forget the altitude but I was a little breathless, so amazing however to get up into cooler airs and walk through jungle and see this wonderful "cloud mountain" ecology and environment.
We went to the night bazaar in Chiang Mai a few times, now this is fun, bartering for all the wares, needless to say we ended up with far more than we actually needed but that is the nature of these things! We chanced upon a local coffee grower one day too, this went down a treat with the coffee drinkers who invested in the inexpensive and yet quality coffee that apparently tastes as good back in Guernsey as it did out there.
E and I went for a walk one day towards a local village and got picked up by a local couple. We couldn't communicate beyond our names but we smiled to one another and there was the mention of football - they love Manchester United out here, amazing the universal language these days! We wandered around the local market in the hot sun and then walked all the way back to the villa, typical of E to drag me along in such a manner, it was so hot! Still we got to enjoy the landscape and also the wonderful teak trees, they are beautiful. One day we ventured out on the bikes, I wasn't really that keen and thankfully the bikes were so useless that we went back and lay beside the pool instead!
It has been years since I last went to Thailand and since then I have travelled extensively in Asia so it was as if I was seeing Thailand through fresh eyes. It seemed to me such a peaceful and clean country, at least up in the north, we didn't venture down to Bangkok or the Islands in the East. Developed too, so much more than Nepal, which was calling to me throughout my time in Asia again. Thankfully, and unlike Nepal, we were left alone most of the time, no one harassing us to buy anything from them, well aside from the hill ladies in the night bazaar in Chiang Mai who remind me of the Tibetan ladies who walk up and down Lakeside in Pokhara constantly harassing you to buy their wares.
We watched the full moon rise from the Yoga shala one night, now that was special. So too the wonderful sunsets from the villa. We saw geckos and the most incredible dragonflies and the largest butterflies I have ever seen. I'd say it was a fairly grounded, back to nature and simplicity of life experience!
E and I spent our last night in Chiang Mai, upgraded to a wonderful suite in our hotel, with fabulous views of this extensive city. We went for afternoon tea at this wonderful tea house by the river, E enjoyed the typical British feast of tea and scones while I enjoyed a wonderful smoothie, they certainly know how to make their smoothies in Chiang Mai. I could spend hours, days even, pottering around the streets of Chiang Mai, if only it had been cooler it would not have been such a struggle but the 40 degree heat, the air heavy with the need to thunder was relentless at times!
The journey back was hard going as these things tend to be, it is funny how as we get older - well for me in any event - long haul travel has lost its appeal. Still it is a means to an end and what a joy to get to Asia and be reminded of the bigger picture again. It is so easy to get caught up in the trivialities of life back home, to get sucked into the illusion of the material world. Stepping out of it and experiencing the simplicity of the Asian culture, mixing with local people rather than maintaining that separateness, really helps to remind one of the beauty and joy in the simplicity of life.
Om Shanti.
xxx