The cross-road of truth

What a beautiful day here on Guernsey, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and we are only days away now from the Virgo full moon, also known as the worm moon, and a few days after that, the Spring Equinox. There is a lot to be grateful about and I am digging deep into that, and into practice, because the universe is has been challenging and squeezing each of us!

It’s not been an easy year thus far. Many of us have been navigating changes in our lives, if not jobs, or maybe jobs too, then our relationship to self and to others as a result of this. Sometimes we just grow apart from each other, this is the way of the soul, and while there can be sadness and grief for the broken dreams, there is also much to celebrate if we can navigate this consciously and with heart. Sometimes the greatest gift we can set ourselves and indeed others, is the gift of freedom.

If life is not aligned, then we have to make changes, at least if we hope to find greater peace and contentment. And let’s be honest, if there is one thing the world needs now, then it is greater contentment and peace, which means we all need to start seeing a little but through the illusion, not least in the outer world of politics and materialism but in the inner world too.

E and I have been navigating the growing apart of souls as consciously as we can. We both love and respect each other and have two beautiful boys together. So really not much changes in our day to day living, we co=parent, co-habit, are really good friends, but romantically and emotionally there is greater freedom. This for me (and I’m sure for him too) is a cause of celebration. I haven’t ever wanted to live a unlived life, or to sell out on myself, just for the sake of. [With all the best respect and love, please no emails of sadness or support, it’s a really positive thing!].

There are many others navigating this exact situation. March 2020 began a process which has changed our lives individually and collectively in more ways than we could ever have imagined. There’s not one part of my life, as we approach this March full moon, that remains the same. Life has changed and while it’s not been easy - in fact it has been really difficult at times - there is greater self love, worth and acceptance and much deeper honesty and knowing of thyself.

It’s this that has struck me the most. Some of you were at a Sunday morning Yoni Shakti : Embracing our Creativity session when my life was undergoing some further unravelling, my heart was extremely heavy and my throat was really struggling, simply because I was still coming to terms and voicing that which I had been ignoring. We do a really good job at convincing ourselves that we are living from our heart, being honest with ourselves and speaking our truth, but this is actually a lot tricker in reality than in our mind.

I had been ignoring my heart for a very long time, compromising on my needs because I was so desperate for my dream. This became increasingly obvious over the last year as last March the equinox brought a big shift in awareness for me. But even then, I was so used to all I was feeling that it had become normal to me. I thought I was listening to my heart, and in many respects I was, just that I wasn’t always being honest with myself about how I was feeling, let alone anyone else.

Marie dying, opened my heart in innumerable ways so i could no longer ignore it. It was all there but it took time to unravel what I was feeling from the enormous grief, not least of her loss, but of the loss of part of myself, and the drifting of time and the increased lack of deeper connection and dreaming. There was an emptiness that accompanies grief. Grieving for broken dreams and the emptiness this creates, in the vastness of not knowing what’s next and also wondering how one can have kidded oneself otherwise.

However it is one thing finally listening to the heart and all it is saying and quite another finding the strength and courage of heart and indeed one’s voice to then express what needs to be said. So much of my life has been punctuated by an inability to give voice to what I am feeling and instead, to go along with things for fear of upsetting someone else or creating confrontation, or in any way challenging a view point. Sometimes it has felt easier to go along with things than voice my own truth, compromising on my soul and my innate nature and values instead.

I go into this in more detail in my book From Darkness Comes Light (in proof reading stage now!) about finding our voice, and especially in intimate relationships. It’s something that came up on a Tantric course I’m currently attending, around saying yes or saying no. There have been times when I have sold out on my body and my soul because I couldn’t find the words to say no, even if this has been in safe and loving relationships.

Others have had similar experiences, and it was proposed that silence doesn't mean ‘yes’ either. But then equally, it doesn’t mean ‘no’. Ultimately, and certainly from a consensual basis, we need to know our ‘yes’ before we can know our ‘no’. And we need - on some level - to know ourselves and our wants and our needs beyond what society tells us and the expecatation laid down for us - patriarchy did a really good job at making us women feel that we have to be there for the men…but that’s a whole other story that I could waffle on about for a long time, and men will have their take too as it has done them no favours either, taken away some of their soul.

Ok, ok, I’m going to have to quote from Glennie Kindred’s book, Sacred Earth Celebrations, about this, given that it’s all about the Spring equinox, so timely:

“Many women are now seeking to balance their male and female sides within themselves and are looking for the same balance in men. the ardent young man, who is non-aggressive, in touch with his instincts and can show his feelings, is a precious image to hold. The Greeks gave us Pan with horns, and hooves, part man, part animal. The Celts gave us Cernunnos or Herne, also with horns, in touch with his animal instincts, wise, magical, the master of the three levels of existence, playful, sexual, sensuous, spiritual. He was outlawed by the church, who changed him into the devil, the root of all evil, thereby denying men an essential part of themselves. We need to reclaim him. Women need to find him in the men they know. Here lies the spark, the power in their joining and their joint potential that will change the future”.

It’s good stuff. But back to where I was…When I delved deeper into the inability at times to say no, as part of my journey to greater authenticity and deeper understanding of what has happened previously and the patterns laid, I did discover that this inability has stemmed from the fear of hurting someone else and denying them what they wanted, even if it’s not entirely what I might have wanted. I realised how easily I had compromised my truth and my needs in the process, putting others’ needs first, perhaps reflecting at that time, my lack of self worth and self respect.

Lack of self-worth and self-respect is such an underlying factor to all of this, not least in who we attract into our lives but the dynamics of our relationships. When we begin to reclaim more of ourself and our inherent worth, then this can create a shift in resonance, not only because our vibration has literally changed, but because, or maybe as a result of this, we see the world and ourselves differently. Once our eyes and our hearts have been opened to a new way of being and relating, then we have no choice really, but to keep moving forwards.

Many will struggle with this though, because it can be a deeply uncomfortable process, and there is a certain comfort that comes from the certainty of a relationship lived, even if that relationship is not healthy, or has by then been outgrown. Many will numb themselves, drink more wine, keep really busy, go away lots, work longer hours, there are all sorts of ways that we can distract ourselves from our reality and convince ourselves that all is well, that we are living the dream, that our lives look the way we want them to look, to confirm, or to otherwise appear OK.

There is a fear that comes with stepping into the unknown, into a life that has not yet been lived, and to do that alone, or at least alone in the sense of deeper connection to one’s own heart and soul, honouring them both, being increasingly honest, able to say both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ in a way that honours the inner knowing. The universe is challenging us all on this, asking us to go deeper. Do we give up now?

I can see the theme bubbling through. We are at a cross-roads. We have been prepared. I have said for a while now that the equinox will be a turning point for us and I still feel that to be true. We are being squeezed and pushed to see if we can stand our ground, be in our centre and stay true to our inner knowing and wisdom. The universe will continue to challenge us because that is how we grow. Opportunities will come to us to see which way we’ll turn, back to what is known and mainstream, feeding more of what has already happened and will continue to happen unless we find another way.

The other way has not been lived, so it involves a leap of faith and a stepping into the unknown. The virgo full moon is creating confusion, because the virgo energy is one of practicality, organisation and detail. We can find ourselves getting lost in all this, trying to work it out mentally, stuck in the mind, rather than feeling and trusting into the heart and the deeper truth of how we want to live our lives and the world we are trying to create, not least for ourselves, but for our children too - one of greater simplicity, harmony and ease.

There was a moment where I couldn’t see the wood through the trees, and this brought with it deep confusion and frustration, causing me to find a sacred space out on the land to surrender to it. The surrendering is never easy, always there is an inner battle between head and heart. The ego has to let go, but the ego hates letting go and being annihilated in the process, it likes to cling on to all that is safe and known. It’s a tricky process to navigate but the full moon and equinox energy are demanding it and we will always feel better for it - it is the journey of the spiritual warrior!

There’s a wonderful quote that fits here that I stumbled across earlier in A book called Buddha’s Brain”

“On the path of awakening, it’s natural to experience some upheaval, dark nights of the soul, or unnerving groundlessness the the foundation of old beliefs falls away. At these times your refuge will catch you and help you ride out the storm”.

So if you find yourself having a momentary dark night of the soul, know that it is momentary, if you can find the space to literally sit with it and let it move through you - we’re in a time of greater truth, of seeing through more of the illusion and opening to greater love. On my way home, I was reminded of Rumi’s poem, The Guest House. This is what this full moon/equinox combo is doing, it’s, in theory, clearing us out for some new delight, and helping us to see and hear more of our own truth and live it - one of increased simplicity and love. Here’s the poem, one can never read it enough!

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

​Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

​I’m looking forward to all that this weekend brings, not least the full moon and the Equinox, but the yoni yoga session to tap into all this and the crystal course too. The Sark Spring retreat is well timed too, on the wane as we settle into a gentler energy, and with us springing forward time wise and bringing even more light into our lives. We do still have a few spaces available on all of the retreat and on all the courses (actually not the crystal one, that’s fully booked but there will be another one on 7 May, foundation and intermediate so please do look out).

I’m also looking forward to the new way not yet lived. This is a time for celebration, to feel genuine gratitude for all that we have in our lives and to acknowledge how far we have come. This is not a time to give up however much we are being squeezed and challenged. If we are being truly honest with ourselves, with our heart, then we will know when the time is right to take the leap and it will be a leap that simplifies our lives and eases stress and brings with it greater peace and contentment. It is coming, but we’re not quite there just yet…patience…enjoy all that Spring has to offer us, its new beginnings are very real.

Love Emma x