Disillusionment about teaching yoga
This week I was hit by this overwhelming sense of disillusionment about teaching yoga. I think it had been building, but it did take me a little by surprise nonetheless. For the first time ever, I also found it difficult to get on my mat one day, that’s definitely a first! I made it in the end, and was pleased for it, it felt like a cross-roads, a no going back and perhaps on some level that was where the resistance came from!
The not teaching yoga anymore though, that one I have been sitting with. It comes in part from a disillusionment with the yoga ‘industry’ and the fact I don’t want to be a part of that. When I trained as a teacher 15 years ago now, teacher training courses were sparse, and I had to apply to get on the course that I chose, with a reputable teacher in Australia.
Now anyone can learn to teach yoga, or what the West now perceive to be yoga, which for many is nothing more than an exercise regime. It’s sad really, that our culture has once again taken something and turned it into an opportunity to make money. Many courses are focused on this alone, how you might make money and run a business from teaching yoga; not about the love of it, the calling, the passion!
But it’s more than that, it’s just this weariness I have about being a part of it, of somehow unintentionally feeding into the illusion of it, just because I teach yoga, when really it is so much more than that to me, because it is my life, my all, my whole being. It is the practice and the sacred and the deep mystery. I don’t want to sell out on that and I don’t want to be confused with those who are, and to maintain all that it is, I wonder if it might be better not to share it and have it be diluted in the process.
I realised though, once I had chatted it through with my brother (my spiritual advisor!!) and my yoga teacher, that it is about boundaries and trust; the boundaries to know with whom to share it and to trust in the mystery of the practice, both of which sit deep in the solar plexus. Perhaps it was no surprise then that my teacher has been taking me deep into this space the last few weeks, to the gateway that lives in this space,, which will reveal itself to us when we are still enough to rest into it.
Strangely, or not so strangely, I have also been aware this week, of insects landing on my skin, to the extent that a random flea (a flea!) jumped onto my foot completely out of the blue, freaked me out a bit! There’s been a theme this year with the mice and ants before lockdown and now the insects. So it came as no surprise, less so because I had had a strange inkling for a while now, that something wasn't right, but the same day I had an ‘ah ha’ moment about boundaries, I found out that I have a parasite living in my gut!
It was a relief actually, to finally have the diagnosis, because I knew something wasn’t right and my skin was indicative of that, yet I knew that I hadn't quite got to the root of it…and might still have some way to go. But let’s face it, there’s no greater boundary issue that letting a parasite enter your gut! The universe couldn’t make it clearer, the other parasites showing themselves this week (the flea!) and me questioning the parasites who are sucking the life out of yoga and feeding into the illusion of the wellness world (an illusion because we couldn't be a more unwell society if we tried!).
Boundary work takes you deep into the heart and the solar plexus. There is an element of self-worth and self-love; how much do you value your time? Do you put other’s needs ahead of your own, or that of your family and those you care about the most? Do you know how to best mange your time? Do you protect yourself from the parasites that suck the life from you? Do you know how to meet your own needs as they arise? Are you capable of looking after yourself? Do you give too much of yourself?
Yet it is never black and white, never quite as clear cut as we might hope it to be, because wrapped up in this is the passion for helping others, for being in service, for living a life of purpose, for exploring what it means to be alive. so that our boundaries might change from moment to moment, depending on where we are at in our life. And tied into this is trust, and settling more fully into that, so that we let go of our attachments, our pushing and pulling and trying to control and make things happen…which is the reason there has to be some flexibility around our boundaries too, to allow the mystery to enter in.
But at its heart of course is ourselves, our true self, and releasing and surrendering any patterns or behaviours that are no longer serving that truth. The universe will make this clear to us, will give us signs, will help us step up and drop in, to hear more clearly that voice within, to trust in where it is taking us, even if we cannot see how life might unfold, if we could only let go into it without having to control it or direct it or in any way sabotage it. There’s a lot of strength in living like that, because we have to develop deep trust in something greater than what we can see and discernment too. But sometimes, like with teaching and practising yoga, we have no choice, there is no other way, we know that deep down!
